Liveblog Part II: May This Boehner Be Long and Earmarks Be Hard On

 
 The members of the House are now supposed to leave the floor so they can escort John Boenher back in, apparently. They will all lock arms but wear rubber sleeves so they don't get all of his orange tan cream on their clothes, we assume. Isn't this exciting! We are moments away from having as our House speaker a man who was raised by diapers and was forced to eat his brothers and sisters when there was no food. So he knows what Americans are going through these days. And he knows they do not want to be taxed. Oh Jesus, he literally cannot even walk he is crying so much.

1: 52 pm — He is shaking. His pockets are full of Kleenex. He is going to melt if Nancy Pelosi doesn't hurry up and give him that title.

1: 55 pm — Somehow Boehner's daughters aren't crying. In fact, they seem to be pretty annoyed by all of this! C'mon dad, embarrassing, jeez. Though they probably aren't really his kids, because they are white .

1: 55 pm — Moments ago, the cameras caught Dan Quayle and his dumb son on the floor, being dumb:

1: 58 pm — Haha, people just booed Pelosi saying "making college more affordable." This Congress should be fun! Assholes.

2: 01 pm — Boehner is not going to be able to talk. Just watch. He's going to get to the mic and find himself mute. He is just so happy to have a new title!

2: 02 pm — Blah blah, Pelosi is a nice person and doesn't care about this because she just wants to pass laws and stuff, blah blah.

2: 03 pm — Internal monologue: "C'mon Boehner, you can do this. You have to stop crying. Just think of dead Iraqi children. Just think of dead Iraqi children. Just think of dead Iraqi children. There we go."

2: 04 pm — Haha, Pelosi just made a boner joke, saying this gavel is bigger than most.

2: 04 pm — Hilarious:

2: 05 pm — Boehner is composed now! The ol' dead Iraqi kid trick worked! Always there in the clutch when you need to feel no emotion.

2: 07 pm — Americans have to remember they are dust, and to dust they shall return, Boehner says. So stop worrying about health care. You'll die eventually anyway, right?

2: 10 pm — Oh, the founding fathers wanted the Republicans to filibuster everything. That was the plan all along, gotcha.

2: 14 pm — Surprise! This speech is awful.

2: 16 pm — "More than a country, America is an idea." No, no it is not. It is actually a very, very large country that takes up a significant portion of the world's literal landmass.

2: 16 pm — Dingell with the long-distance oath.

2: 17 pm — Boehner oathing right back at you guys.

2: 18 pm — C'mon kid, you have ONE CHANCE in life to pretend you are taking the oath of office to become a new member of Congress. Raise your hand! Everyone's doing it!

2: 20 pm — And that concludes this ceremony. Unfortunately for Boehner, he now has to do the actual work of having his new title. Aww, nuts! But it's wine time!