Liveblogging the Tears: John Boehner Gets a New Title!

We are watching this thing on C-SPAN and two people have been nominated for House speaker: John Boehner and Nancy Pelosi. WHO WILL WIN? THIS IS SO EXCITING. The Democrats actually cheered like she was going to win that job again! And John Boehner left the House floor to go cry some more. (He is hoping to have no tears left when he is actually handed the gavel, maybe?) WAIT, SOMEONE JUST VOTED FOR HEATH SHULER! THAT GUY WAS NOT NOMINATED! Nancy Pelosi is probably going to kill whatever blue-dog a-hole just did that. We guess we are liveblogging this thing now. Join us.

12: 46 pm — Boehner was just asked to vote. And it took like 30 seconds. He totally was doubled over in the lobby in a fort made of Kleenex.

12: 50 pm — Jim Cooper votes Shuler. And also people are voting for Dennis Cardoza? These people are falling apart, diluted by the iron tears of the Boehner.

12: 52 pm — Heath Shuler will totally win this thing, we think. He can throw a football! You can make the gavel into a football and he can spike it on the podium!

12: 55 pm — C-SPAN keeps cutting to shots of Allen West. It's like they think he will snap at any moment and start shooting everyone for running up budget deficits. (He will.)

12: 59 pm — Twitter says Cardoza voted for Jim Costa and Costa "returned the favor" by voting for Cardoza. GLAD TO SEE YOU GUYS ARE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY.

1: 01 pm — Haha, "King of Iowa." That is definitely how we would describe Steve King's tyrannical, gun-to-the-head reign over the un-aborted children of his state.

1: 05 pm — There are a lot of children here. We assume they won't go up when the gavel is handed over like they did the last time. They are just here as representatives of children everywhere to hear John Boehner tell them their families will no longer have health care.

1: 07 pm — Haha what? Joe Scarborough is on the House floor? And then he just walked out? "Too many Labels in here, you guys. I gotta get some fresh air."

1: 10 pm — Pelosi votes Pelosi! The final dagger in the Shuler insurgence.

1: 13 pm — Uh oh, Pelosi is down 60 votes. She might lose this thing! Why did nobody report on this?! We should have seen this coming!

1: 14 pm — Haha, Steny Hoyer is so annoyed somebody just voted for him. He is about to cry.

1: 15 pm — Shuler votes Shuler. Nice try, bro!

1: 18 pm — And it's a majority, apparently. A moment of triumphant for the orange race.

1: 23 pm — Hmm, John Boehner is House speaker, yet the budget isn't balanced. He lied.

1: 25 pm — We spot at least one member of the House sleeping. Others doodling.

1: 28 pm — Break time. Everyone go get a chicken gyro.

1: 38 pm — John Lewis got twooo votes! Shuler got 11. It was a close vote.

1: 39 pm — And the clerk lady announces Boehner as speaker. Everyone stands up and does their best Fonzie impression: "Ayyyyeeeeee!"

1: 40 pm — This really does not deserve so much clapping. This is John Boehner we're talking about, not someone who has ever accomplished anything.

1: 52 pm — Liveblogging continues here!