Robert Gibbs Resigning, Becoming Part of Professional Left

  debasements

WE GET IT. YOU KNOW OBAMA. SHEESH.We did it, you guys! We defeated Robert Gibbs with our restless coverage of his LEGO-based terrorism when there was nothing else to write about last week! Yes, Mr. Robert Lane Gibbs, famed White House press secretary, is leaving the White House forever, to go work in an actual building like an actual professional member of the left, instead of working in the back of some guy’s house as a favor, which is what he has been doing for the past couple years. But don’t worry! He will “defend Mr. Obama on television—and will expand his presence on Twitter and other Internet platforms.” PROFESSIONAL LEFT! PROFESSIONAL LEFT! PROFESSIONAL LEFT!

He said he has no intention of establishing a political consulting or lobbying business, but he intends to work [as an advisor to Obama] from the same downtown Washington office where David Plouffe has spent the last two years. Mr. Plouffe, who was Mr. Obama’s campaign manager, will move to the White House and work as a senior adviser to the president.

And to help pay rent, they will get a local college student as a roommate, who will alternately infuriate them by spilling beer on their laptops and getting rid of their desks for a place to store his surfboards and teach them an important lesson about having fun.

The leading potential replacements for press secretary include Jay Carney, a spokesman for Vice President Joseph R. Biden Jr., along with Bill Burton and Josh Earnest, who work as deputies to Mr. Gibbs. Other candidates also could be considered, an administration official said.

That Ellen DeGeneres is always good, Obama. [NYT]

 
Related video
Related

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

113 comments

    1. fuflans

      oh man that would so awesome.

      whpc: 'ms. poundstone why is president o'bama spending five billion dollars to travel to an asian summit with furreigners when he should make furreigners come to us america?'

      pp: 'well, i don't really know anything about that but i DO know that, uh, the, uh – hold on a second i have to turn my microphone up – ok now i'm back and i DO know that fred rutherford was the dad on 'leave it to beaver' and rutherford is my cat who is hard to shop for.'

  1. horsedreamer_1

    Obama should do away with the charade of press-conferences & give all his briefings on facebook & twitter. If the success of Sarah Palin is any guide, it's what the American people want.

          1. horsedreamer_1

            The above, by elvious, is the first iteration I have seen, outside of the original post.

      1. BruceMajor

        Jake Tapper is married with children.

        If he has a single gay cousin that Tapper is welcome on my dance card any time.

    1. BruceMajor

      Yes. Because when Leftovers start cable news shows or radio talk shows like the conservatives do, everyone pays attention.

      I can see 2012 from my netbook!

  2. Pragmatist2

    Speaking as a member of the Amateur Left, we are sorry to lose Gibbs> We are pretty much hopeless and he was pretty funny.

  3. Blendergoathead

    Hmmm… Gibbs quits the White House, and Lindsay Lohan is out of rehab – at the SAME TIME.

    Get Rep. Issa on the phone, we need to start issuing subpoenas.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Tapper, too – although I'd go with a silver back lowland gorilla. Bigger loads, stronger arms and the distinct possibility of territorial ass-kicking.

  4. JackDempsey1

    I heard that he and his brothers were unpacking the leisure suits and re-uniting for a farewell tour.
    Staying Alive.

  5. harry_palmer

    Let's see, whines about leftists, quits in middle of term, takes "new job" screeching on Twitter. No wonder he and Palin have never been photographed together.,

    1. horsedreamer_1

      &, actually, the roles of 'Sarah Palin' & 'Robert Gibbs' are being played by Eddie Murphy.

      Norbit Goes to Washington in theatres in IMAX & Digital 3D Independence Day 2011.

  6. SnarkoMarx

    Wait- don't people leaving the federal government's payroll automatically step into high paying jobs at Monsanto/AEtna/Wall Street as a payment for their service?

    1. finallyhappy

      I left the Fed gov't and stepped into writing comments like this on Wonkette. I was offered a part time job in Lancaster, PA- I think this wonkette gig is a better idea.

    2. BruceMajor

      Actually if you work in DC in a business where you have clients who are political appointees from some medium sized town in the US who move here for their plumb book job, they will basically tell you they are taking the job as a spring board to a more lucrative lobbying or PR job.

      Though it doesn't always work out for them.

  7. Allmighty_Manos

    "He will “defend Mr. Obama on television—and will expand his presence on Twitter and other Internet platforms.”

    Uhhh, isn't that the press secretary's job?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Two months? Hell, I give him two weeks, and it'll be repeated postings about Lindsey Graham on Fleshbot.

  8. HempDogbane

    Mr. Gibbs leaves, to be replaced by a guy with a Real-American name like Carney, Burton and Earnest.

    Meanwhile the Republicans are trying to choose between Reince Priebus, Saul Anuzis, Gentry Collins and Maria Cino.

  9. Ruhe

    If they aren't considering Jim Harbaugh then the White House is the only organization in the country that isn't looking to hire that guy.

      1. WriteyWriterton

        Can Mr. Harbaugh come back to Michigan? Pleeeezzz! We promise not to suck in bowl games against the real/pre-professional college conferences anymore (SEC/PAC10, 12, 47, whatever).

      1. horsedreamer_1

        I'd watch even if the briefings were just a cardboard cut-out of Scarlett, with a piece of clothing removed for each 2% spike in Obama's approval rating.

    1. twogoats

      Scarlett clearly classier, but the Lindsay Lohan camp has a strong arument: she can match twitter twat with Palin. Johansson too literate.

    2. SorosBot

      Bush almost had a good idea in selecting a hot woman for press secretary, but ruined it because Perino was as much of a moron as him; Scarlett's actually smart and could do the job while making briefings worth watching, possibly while wearing the Black Widow outfit or a low-cut top with a… wait, I've lost my train of thought.

  10. freakishlywrong

    I wonder if he'll be satisfied when he has Canadian healthcare and eliminates the pentagon? I mean, really, he should be drug tested.

  11. iburl

    Hmm, let me try and think like Obama for a minute….maybe one of the Harold and Kumar guys or a midwest Republican who seems nice and promises to have my back or Sanjay Gupta?

    1. finallyhappy

      The Kumar guy is back -he came back last month according to the WaPo. during his last time here, I saw him walking in Lafayette Square- I think I stared and said " hey, it's you". He didn't answer(he could have said "yes") and kept walking. A few months later, he was mugged on 14th street-guess he didn't answer someone else that time.

  12. neiltheblaze

    By Professional Left, you mean "Professional Slightly Right of the Realigned Post-Reagan Center", correct?

    I think it would be wonderful if the next Press Secretary was required to wear a clown suit at every press briefing.

  13. horsedreamer_1

    In DC & looking for work: Donovan Mc Nabb.

    But only make the hire if Eagles fans are given at least five seats in the press gallery.

  14. hagajim

    "He said he has no intention of establishing a political consulting or lobbying business."

    Then what exactly the fuck is he doing? Looks to me like he's doing political consulting for the President – and I'm sure he's now officially graduated to the professional left (from the amateur) where he was before. He'll be on Hardball anytime now….wait for it…

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Auburn, you say?

      Issa has just announced the investigation into White House ties to the Cam Newton scandal. & the cover-up, insomuch as Gibbs leaving the White House in the dark of nite.

  15. donner_froh

    expand his presence on Twitter and other Internet platforms

    He will post pictures of his expanding girth and multiplying chins as he gets into living the good life.

  16. HurricaneAli

    and getting rid of their desks for a place to store his surfboards and teach them an important lesson about having fun.

    Is this "R" or "unrated" version? I vote for "unrated." ANTICS! HIJINX!

  17. Extemporanus

    First Helen Thomas, now Robert Gibbs?

    This shit has "burgeoning sex scandal" written all over it.

  18. imissopus

    That would just be too awesome if every question from Chuck Todd was answered with "Looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's ass and ended up as a brown stain on a mattress!"

    1. Steverino247

      Classy apology, though. None of this "If I offended anybody" bullshit. Took your idea and ran with it–below.

  19. Steverino247

    R. Lee Ermey for Press Secretary? Uh, ok! (and it was classy of him to apologize for going over the top.)

    "Hell, I like that question! I'm going to let you come over to my house and fuck my sister."

    "I'm going to give you exactly two fucking seconds to get that follow up question out or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull fuck you!"

    "This is my rifle, this is my gun! This is for briefings, this is for fun!"

    "Private Birther! Do you like that name? What kind of scumbag goes by the name of 'Orly Taitz?'"

    "Bullshit! I still can't hear you. Sound off like you've got a pair!"

    "Helen Thomas could make Presidents and Press Secretaries squirm from the back of this Press Room. Where did she learn to do that? In the Marines!"

    "I don't care if you're with Fox, CNN, the Times, the Post, the AP, Reuters or McClatchy. Here you are all equally worthless!"

  20. undeterredbyreality

    How 'bout Ernestine? "You are not dealing with just anyone's fool. I am a high-school graduate."

    1. BruceMajor

      I liked him because I always thought of the fat guy in "Deliverance" whenever he held a press conference.

  21. glamourdammerung

    I am thinking Lieberman would be ideal for the job of continuing to insult the folks that voted for President Obama.

      1. glamourdammerung

        I see the Breitards are still cowardly trolling threads from multiple days back.

        Being obnoxious just to be obnoxious is not a valid political stance. It is a sign of a deep personality defect.

        1. BruceMajor

          Ah it is so amusing that you people think you are smarter than Breitbart or Palin, when they have come from nowhere to wield influence and make your masters spend all their time responding to their tweets. While you sit in your cubicle shuffling papers.

          And even more amusing that you think you are intellectual, when your ilk spends its time bleeting about Bush or Boehner while your every superstition was long ago refuted by Hayek and other thinkers you cannot fathom.

          And you whine about someone being obnoxious to you before you go back to chortle at rape jokes by Letterman or Bernhard.

          Please don't change. Keep it up. I can see 2012 through the empty holes in your skulls.

          1. glamourdammerung

            And yet, you managed to not bother to refute anything I stated.

            I am not the one shitting all over old threads because I was told to.

  22. SecretMuslin

    Hopefully he can find someone a little more moderate. Moderation + triangulation + appeasement = Success!! What's Mike McCurry up to these days?

    1. BruceMajor

      If only they could get that internet censorship rule fully passed, Then the Bolsheviks could turn off the Menshevik's printing presses before they round them up and send them to the Gulag, like last time.

      I wonder which side Wonker readers will be on on that forced icy march?

  23. Jukesgrrl

    How about Gov. Paterson? He needs a job and he's pretty funny when he's on Saturday Night Live.

  24. Negropolis

    I'll call it right now: the new WHP will be former Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm, who has been coy and teasing as hell about her plans after her governorship, but has said that by mid-January she'll announce something.

    She's been wanting to get to Obama administration in the worst way, but didn't want to pull a Palin and quick her job unless offered something huge (like the Supreme Court seats she was angling for any lost).

  25. BruceMajor

    Ah Washington! The town where failures like Bob Shrum get to fail again and again and then teach at Ivy League schools on how they failed; where failures (hey Al Gore!) like Donna Brazile get to pretend to be straight on "This Week" and discuss Gov. Perry's pulchritude and the panty perspiration it causes; and radicals and reformers like Hillary Rosen get to start lobbies like Business Forward and shake down people for papal indulgences for only $75,000 each.

    So what I want to ask you assembled liberaltards is: now that there are these mass deaths of fish and birds in every state, with no explanation from the Obamanoids (perhaps the tykes forgot to child proof their chemical weapons back when they drove oil drilling off the shore into depths technology couldn't deal with?), do you peeps have nightmares where Jehovah washes your town away in a fire, for your sins of hypocrisy and corruption?

    Maybe if you started performing human sacrifices with each other you could placate Him before he takes you all out?

Comments are closed.