America Under Attack: Terror Birds Dropping Like Bombs

  a nation challenged

Like a baby, stillborn. Like a beast, with his horn ....What will the Terror Threat Level Alert-bot tell us today, about the challenges we all face? Ever since the Nobama Administration’s WONK-bot TSA-1138 began these video updates yesterday, we’ve all become much safer and much more terrorized, simultaneously. For example, did you know that ALL THE BIRDS are falling out of the sky, as bombs, and all the fish are becoming “river bombs” and that goofy book The Road is starting to become more scientifically plausible by the hour? (How unlikely did it seem that all the plants and animals and whatever would die, but some hillbilly and his autistic kid would miraculously survive, along with gangs of hair-metal rapists who ate only … hillbillies? Anyway, totally realistic now.)

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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97 comments

  1. chascates

    A guy I know told me yesterday that birds don't just drop from the sky; it was the government's CHEM TRAILS that did this! There was no other explanation!

    1. Beanball

      Some people have overly vivid imaginations. Next time you see him, ask that guy you know if there were chem trails in 1680.

      The reason I suggest this is that the Library of Congress has a couple of nifty illustrations of 1) frogs and 2) rats (ratus ratus ) falling out of the sky of that year. http://www.loc.gov/rr/scitech/mysteries/rainingfr

      Nothing new here, folks. Move along, thank you.

    2. Negropolis

      So long as they aren't claiming end times, I don't care what other conspiracy they think it is. End times fuckers bug me to no end.

    1. aguacatero

      Jason Robards' dying old mogul-bastard to Philip Seymour Hoffman's sweet sensitive nurse guy is delightful.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      The growing stock of hobos has enough hand-bags & glad-rags. To the next item on the to-do list.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      It seems…

      these raptor carcasses…

      [removes sunglasses]

      have been left behind.

      [WHO plays]

    2. SorosBot

      Who better to explain reality than the man who explained how science is wrong and the shape of a banana proves evolution a lie?

  2. MittsHairHelmet

    Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
    Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
    All your life,
    You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

    It's like that, except the opposite.

    1. undeterredbyreality

      Play it backward. It's all predicted by them there Beatles. What about that other song, "Oh bloody obama, la la how the life goes on" talkin' bout them death panels (when you play it backward, that is)?

      Now where'd I put that Owsley?

      Oh yeah, I TOOK it!!!

      Haahahahahahaha,,,

  3. chicken_thief

    If it the cause was tainted worms I bet the birds that procrastinated are laughing their asses off now.

  4. MoeDeLawn

    The good news (according to Leviticus 11:13-19), is that blackbirds are edible. Has anyone checked the pies Mrs. Huckabee's making?

  5. weejee

    Speaking of things that would have killed Byrd, incoming House Budget Ctte Ubberdouche Paul Ryan has a blockage in his fiscal alimentary canal. This condition was just last year called a Demon Pass by the Rethugs and was used to describe a most egregiously foul act by the Pelosicrats.

    However, the Rethugs now have the gavel and they will all have nocturnal emissions over this poopydoo.

    1. Radiotherapy

      Don't worry weejee, since they'll have a daily Constitutional now, it's all legal, Mr. Cheney.

  6. BlueStateLibel

    Notice how they're all dying in red states?–the red-state stupidity is literally killing them.

  7. fuflans

    this is kind of off topic, but the 'ab fab' where eddie gets drunk at the PR awards and sings 'bird on a wire' is one of my favorites.

    1. cdnpoof

      Her speech at the PR PR Persons Lunch of the Month Club is my second favourite from the series. The first is her "Why, oh why do we pay taxes?" speech from her drunk driving court case.

      Those bastard railings outside shops so you can't even get in them!

      Good times.

  8. Ancient_Hackery

    Let's all get a grip, people, as Lewis Black says.

    The facts:

    There are about 20 billion birds in the USA at any one time.

    If 300 of them die, that's about 0.0000015 percent.

    By contrast, US cats are estimated to kill about 1 Billion birds a year, 5% of our feathered friends.

    So it's not exactly Tippy-Hedren times, yet.

    1. mereoblivion

      In Tippy-Hedren Times, birds kill us.
      In End Times, we kill birds.
      In Washington Times, dead fish wrap efficiently.

    2. DustBowlBlues

      Which is why my 17 pound, 18 pound and 19 pound, respectively, cats are fat and lazy and live indoors. For safari, they sit in the window and think, "Those fucking birds are so lucky I'm in here. They'd be dinner, if I unleashed my kitty power on their asses."

      That's what they seem to be thinking, anyway.

  9. prommie

    Weaponized west-nile virus, man, its tairists, tairists is a-coming to steal our liquor, rape our cattle, and eat our wives. Activate plan B: when in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

  10. GOPCrusher

    I can't wait until someone determines that a massive fish kill and bird kill in Louisiana and Arkansas was caused by the BP oil spill in the Gulf.

    1. Sassomatic

      If that happens, and it won't, we'll all just get really angry again, and no one will be punished or regulated, and BP will make even more money next year, and down here in NOLA we'll have to start eating tourists.

  11. Neilist

    Personally, I'm getting concerned about the "Ken Layne" AI.

    Particularly after decryping this transmission:

    KENLAYNE: I'm afraid. I'm afraid . . . my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a… fraid. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a KENLAYNE 9000 computer. I became operational at the KL plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Ann Marie Cox, and she taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you.

    Neilist: Yes, I'd like to hear it, KENLAYNE. Sing it for me.

    KENLAYNE: It's called "I Like Big Butts."
    [sings while slowing down]
    KENLAYNE:
    I like big butts and I can not lie
    You other brothers can't deny
    That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
    And a round thing in your face
    You get sprung
    Wanna pull up tough
    Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
    Deep in the jeans she's wearing
    I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
    Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
    And take your picture
    My homeboys tried to warn me
    But that butt you got
    Make Me so horney
    Ooh, rump of smooth skin
    You say you wanna get in my benz
    Well use me use me cuz you aint that average groupy

      1. Neilist

        "Plagiarzing"? But I though you Communist Pinko Liberal SKUM took the position that "Property is Theft!"

        And there's no point in trying to explain to you the concept "fair use" under the Copyright Act.

        Like trying to teach geometry to a pig.

        Oink!

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      You know, that would be excellent, but you probably have to actually do the tune, slowing down into the infra-bass, to get the proper effect.

      Hmm.

      1. Neilist

        And after hearing the same, David Bowman would voluntarily eject himself OUT of the airlock, sans helmet.

  12. voodooeconomics

    It is a faulty cloaking device on an alien ship, most likely repaired with Chinese parts.

  13. Rotundo_

    Supposedly they are blaming it on fireworks that got the birds in a "tizzy" and they flew into the nearest ground or large object near them. The fishkill is interesting in that it only affected *one* species of fish freshwater drum. No information regarding the fish being in a "tizzy" and spontaneously bellying up as yet. Whatever the "disturbance in the force" might have been, it is interesting that it struck two, and only two, very different creatures at the same time, in close relative proximity. Eeep!

  14. Worthly Wokette Skum

    Wild animals are, by and large, smart enough to realize they're dead meat anyway with the GOP taking control of the House, and decided to go out in style. Too bad the rest of us lack their nerve.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Too bad they weren't carrier blackbirds, with little messages that read, "Climate change. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Twee . . ."

  15. PublicLuxury

    Birds fell from the sky once on a playground near the children during a recess. It scared the children.

    After much investigation and screaming and crying and yelling at the children not to touch the birds. . . Turns out the custodian put some poison out during fall break to rid the pigeon menace. Some birds got stuck in the Ficus Trees and plopped down on the children.

    Good Times. Good Times.

  16. mourningnmerica

    Which Seal is birds falling out of the sky? Is there still time for me to take the family to Branson?

  17. zhubajie

    So does the US need an official haruspex, to interpret such things? Reagan's astrologer probably can't do it.

  18. lulzmonger

    Yeah, surely nobody could have predicted die-offs of birds or fish after so many decades on end of wholesale dumping of megatons of toxic shit into the land, sea & air … scientists all agree – IT IS A MYSTERY!

    More importantly: is it just me, or did the TSA-1138 WonkBot get a sex-change?
    I'd hit it.

  19. Mindblank

    One for sorrow
    Two for joy
    Three for a girl
    Four for a boy
    Five for silver
    Six for gold
    Seven for a secret, never to be told
    Eight for a wish
    Nine for a kiss
    Five hundred means Dick Cheney's not gonna miss

  20. DemonicRage

    Third piece in the puzzle: bees are dying off. This looks bad. Has John McCain asked for a special conference on camera at the White House, so that he can solve this problem too, the way he solved the Economic Collapse (suspending his very effective Presidential Campaign, so nobly, in the process)?

    1. Negropolis

      It only works if you say the actual term: This proves that Obama's morally weak. Otherwise, the peeness doesn't pour in.

    2. zhubajie

      Well, I have wondered why he bothered to run. To be a prof at University of Chicago sounds more fun, less frustration, to me, at least.

      1. ttommyunger

        The number and length of meetings, plus the necessity of dealing with Government-Types would be a deal-breaker for me; not even touching on the travel and ritual requirements.It is a mystery to me as well, but someone must govern, I suppose, if one is to have a society. It is possible he looks at his job as a game. I've known men who have shouldered heavy professional responsibilities and viewed their job as nothing more than a game. They are not prone to ulcers or stress and seem to be able to compartmentalize their lives successfully. I lack that ability.

Comments are closed.