A NATION CHALLENGED  3:25 pm January 4, 2011

America Under Attack: Terror Birds Dropping Like Bombs

by Ken Layne

Like a baby, stillborn. Like a beast, with his horn ....What will the Terror Threat Level Alert-bot tell us today, about the challenges we all face? Ever since the Nobama Administration’s WONK-bot TSA-1138 began these video updates yesterday, we’ve all become much safer and much more terrorized, simultaneously. For example, did you know that ALL THE BIRDS are falling out of the sky, as bombs, and all the fish are becoming “river bombs” and that goofy book The Road is starting to become more scientifically plausible by the hour? (How unlikely did it seem that all the plants and animals and whatever would die, but some hillbilly and his autistic kid would miraculously survive, along with gangs of hair-metal rapists who ate only … hillbillies? Anyway, totally realistic now.)

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chascates January 4, 2011 at 3:28 pm

A guy I know told me yesterday that birds don't just drop from the sky; it was the government's CHEM TRAILS that did this! There was no other explanation!

Beanball January 5, 2011 at 1:52 am

Some people have overly vivid imaginations. Next time you see him, ask that guy you know if there were chem trails in 1680.

The reason I suggest this is that the Library of Congress has a couple of nifty illustrations of 1) frogs and 2) rats (ratus ratus ) falling out of the sky of that year. http://www.loc.gov/rr/scitech/mysteries/rainingfr

Nothing new here, folks. Move along, thank you.

Negropolis January 5, 2011 at 2:39 am

So long as they aren't claiming end times, I don't care what other conspiracy they think it is. End times fuckers bug me to no end.

horsedreamer_1 January 4, 2011 at 3:28 pm

It dose damn puddy-tats.

Thurman Munster IV January 4, 2011 at 3:35 pm

There are flying cats, too? Shit, we are screwed

Chet Kincaid January 5, 2011 at 1:21 pm

What other scoops does Chris Matthews have for us?

metamarcisf January 4, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Wake me up when it starts raining frogs, a la Tom Cruise in "Magnolia"

CalamityJames January 4, 2011 at 7:33 pm

It rained Tom Cruises in 'Magnolia?'

deanbooth January 4, 2011 at 8:13 pm

It really happened.

aguacatero January 4, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Jason Robards' dying old mogul-bastard to Philip Seymour Hoffman's sweet sensitive nurse guy is delightful.

ManchuCandidate January 4, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Maybe someone wanted the blackbirds for a pie?

horsedreamer_1 January 4, 2011 at 3:34 pm

The growing stock of hobos has enough hand-bags & glad-rags. To the next item on the to-do list.

UW8316154 January 4, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Rod Stewart is involved, too??

Radiotherapy January 4, 2011 at 3:33 pm

They, too, taste like chicken.

WriteyWriterton January 4, 2011 at 3:33 pm

I haz a sad: I wrote my first elementary-school report on the red-winged blackbird.

DerrickWildcat January 4, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Make my bed and light the light,
I'll be home late tonight,
Leave you bird jet in the sky
Toodle oo!
Bye bye!

OzoneTom January 4, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Were the birds on a wire?

Fare la Volpe January 4, 2011 at 3:35 pm

Did Sister Sarah release a new book?

GotchaMedia January 4, 2011 at 3:36 pm

I can't believe Anderson Cooper actually had Kirk Cameron on CNN to talk about the apocalyptic implications of the dead birds: http://gtcha.me/hJPZ37

horsedreamer_1 January 4, 2011 at 3:42 pm

It seems…

these raptor carcasses…

[removes sunglasses]

have been left behind.

[WHO plays]

SorosBot January 4, 2011 at 3:44 pm

Who better to explain reality than the man who explained how science is wrong and the shape of a banana proves evolution a lie?

SexySmurf January 4, 2011 at 3:50 pm

Was the dude who played Boner not available?

BarackMyWorld January 4, 2011 at 6:48 pm

I can't decide if you're being ironic or not.

emmelemm January 4, 2011 at 9:11 pm

Oooh. Good one.

coolhandpuke January 4, 2011 at 5:18 pm

Erkel was booked on Fox so they went with the Groin Pains turd.

problemwithcaring January 4, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Gotta get those rating numbers up somehow — go with teh crazy!

MittsHairHelmet January 4, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life,
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

It's like that, except the opposite.

undeterredbyreality January 4, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Play it backward. It's all predicted by them there Beatles. What about that other song, "Oh bloody obama, la la how the life goes on" talkin' bout them death panels (when you play it backward, that is)?

Now where'd I put that Owsley?

Oh yeah, I TOOK it!!!


chicken_thief January 4, 2011 at 3:36 pm

If it the cause was tainted worms I bet the birds that procrastinated are laughing their asses off now.

MittsHairHelmet January 4, 2011 at 3:49 pm

That comment is basically perfect. Well done sir

MoeDeLawn January 4, 2011 at 3:37 pm

The good news (according to Leviticus 11:13-19), is that blackbirds are edible. Has anyone checked the pies Mrs. Huckabee's making?

Worthly Wokette Skum January 4, 2011 at 5:20 pm

I like Mrs. H's pies. They're hung doggies!

OkieDokieDog January 4, 2011 at 3:38 pm

omg. Those crazy religiousness zealots were right! It's the RAPTOR!

SorosBot January 4, 2011 at 3:38 pm

It's a bunch of suicides in the wake of Sam's passing.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 4, 2011 at 3:38 pm

The problem is too many people. Time to thin the herd.

Toomush_Infer January 4, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Dead birds dead birds wachoo gonna do
wachoo gonna do when they come for you….?

weejee January 4, 2011 at 3:45 pm

Speaking of things that would have killed Byrd, incoming House Budget Ctte Ubberdouche Paul Ryan has a blockage in his fiscal alimentary canal. This condition was just last year called a Demon Pass by the Rethugs and was used to describe a most egregiously foul act by the Pelosicrats.

However, the Rethugs now have the gavel and they will all have nocturnal emissions over this poopydoo.

Radiotherapy January 4, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Don't worry weejee, since they'll have a daily Constitutional now, it's all legal, Mr. Cheney.

mrblifil January 4, 2011 at 3:45 pm

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for all this. Having to do with the gays, no doubt.

court5346 January 4, 2011 at 4:49 pm

why not blame it on the repeal of DADT?

BlueStateLibel January 4, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Notice how they're all dying in red states?–the red-state stupidity is literally killing them.

fuflans January 4, 2011 at 3:49 pm

this is kind of off topic, but the 'ab fab' where eddie gets drunk at the PR awards and sings 'bird on a wire' is one of my favorites.

OzoneTom January 4, 2011 at 3:52 pm

I'm certain that the alt-text makes your comment relevant.

cdnpoof January 5, 2011 at 12:52 pm

Her speech at the PR PR Persons Lunch of the Month Club is my second favourite from the series. The first is her "Why, oh why do we pay taxes?" speech from her drunk driving court case.

Those bastard railings outside shops so you can't even get in them!

Good times.

Callyson January 4, 2011 at 3:50 pm

If I squint, I can see the ghost of Alfred Hitchcock LHFAO…

Ancient_Hackery January 4, 2011 at 3:53 pm

Let's all get a grip, people, as Lewis Black says.

The facts:

There are about 20 billion birds in the USA at any one time.

If 300 of them die, that's about 0.0000015 percent.

By contrast, US cats are estimated to kill about 1 Billion birds a year, 5% of our feathered friends.

So it's not exactly Tippy-Hedren times, yet.

Ken Layne January 4, 2011 at 4:12 pm

Yeah, the birds in that Hitchcock movie were alive. So we're not exactly there, yet.

mereoblivion January 4, 2011 at 5:03 pm

In Tippy-Hedren Times, birds kill us.
In End Times, we kill birds.
In Washington Times, dead fish wrap efficiently.

Angry_Marmot January 5, 2011 at 12:48 am

Tippi, please. Nice lady runs a refuge for abused and abandoned big cats.

DustBowlBlues January 4, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Which is why my 17 pound, 18 pound and 19 pound, respectively, cats are fat and lazy and live indoors. For safari, they sit in the window and think, "Those fucking birds are so lucky I'm in here. They'd be dinner, if I unleashed my kitty power on their asses."

That's what they seem to be thinking, anyway.

ShaveTheWhales January 4, 2011 at 11:21 pm

Show'm a big pheasant sometime, just for the lulz.

ChessieNefercat January 5, 2011 at 11:46 am

Then they lunge for a fly on the other side of the screen, right?

prommie January 4, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Weaponized west-nile virus, man, its tairists, tairists is a-coming to steal our liquor, rape our cattle, and eat our wives. Activate plan B: when in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

deelzebub January 4, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Drive obesity scooters around in circles, scream and shout. Fixed.

SayItWithWookies January 4, 2011 at 4:04 pm

Wow, it's like a Russian air show out there.

imissopus January 4, 2011 at 4:26 pm

In Soviet Russia, air show kills you! Wait, what?

ifthethunderdontgetya January 4, 2011 at 7:10 pm

Too soon.

Mindblank January 5, 2011 at 8:36 am

Hah, you are cruel. Which is good.

sezme January 4, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Oh man, I love Radiohead!

chicken_thief January 4, 2011 at 4:17 pm

Is it possible they all read Walnuts newly released gem – "Fly Like Me" ?

CrunchyKnee January 4, 2011 at 4:21 pm

The lamp/robot under the ceiling fan was a wonderful piece of cinematic excellence.

WIDTAP January 4, 2011 at 4:45 pm

It's ok folks. When the canaries die, that's when we will be screwed.

GOPCrusher January 4, 2011 at 4:59 pm

I can't wait until someone determines that a massive fish kill and bird kill in Louisiana and Arkansas was caused by the BP oil spill in the Gulf.

undeterredbyreality January 4, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Purple Rain, Purple Rain…

sati_demise January 4, 2011 at 11:05 pm

We will have to hear about that on Wikileaks.

Sassomatic January 5, 2011 at 12:11 am

If that happens, and it won't, we'll all just get really angry again, and no one will be punished or regulated, and BP will make even more money next year, and down here in NOLA we'll have to start eating tourists.

mereoblivion January 4, 2011 at 5:06 pm

Is that Michele B's voice when she's feeling, like, y'know, all keen?

Neilist January 4, 2011 at 5:15 pm

Personally, I'm getting concerned about the "Ken Layne" AI.

Particularly after decryping this transmission:

KENLAYNE: I'm afraid. I'm afraid . . . my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a… fraid. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a KENLAYNE 9000 computer. I became operational at the KL plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Ann Marie Cox, and she taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you.

Neilist: Yes, I'd like to hear it, KENLAYNE. Sing it for me.

KENLAYNE: It's called "I Like Big Butts."
[sings while slowing down]
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung
Wanna pull up tough
Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got
Make Me so horney
Ooh, rump of smooth skin
You say you wanna get in my benz
Well use me use me cuz you aint that average groupy

sati_demise January 4, 2011 at 11:08 pm

Try to stay on topic and stop plagiarizing.

Neilist January 5, 2011 at 12:46 am

"Plagiarzing"? But I though you Communist Pinko Liberal SKUM took the position that "Property is Theft!"

And there's no point in trying to explain to you the concept "fair use" under the Copyright Act.

Like trying to teach geometry to a pig.


ShaveTheWhales January 4, 2011 at 11:23 pm

You know, that would be excellent, but you probably have to actually do the tune, slowing down into the infra-bass, to get the proper effect.


Neilist January 5, 2011 at 12:47 am

And after hearing the same, David Bowman would voluntarily eject himself OUT of the airlock, sans helmet.

JackObin January 4, 2011 at 5:23 pm

The toxic levels of stupidity in Arkansas is enough to fell a herd of elephants.

Cucumber2a January 4, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Books are inventions of duh Debil!

LakeLucilleLoon January 4, 2011 at 5:36 pm

Glad this pestilence is moving South, instead of North!

voodooeconomics January 4, 2011 at 5:37 pm

It is a faulty cloaking device on an alien ship, most likely repaired with Chinese parts.

Rotundo_ January 4, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Supposedly they are blaming it on fireworks that got the birds in a "tizzy" and they flew into the nearest ground or large object near them. The fishkill is interesting in that it only affected *one* species of fish freshwater drum. No information regarding the fish being in a "tizzy" and spontaneously bellying up as yet. Whatever the "disturbance in the force" might have been, it is interesting that it struck two, and only two, very different creatures at the same time, in close relative proximity. Eeep!

SmutBoffin January 4, 2011 at 6:30 pm


BarackMyWorld January 4, 2011 at 6:51 pm

I like how WONK-bot quickly changed the channel when Sammy Hagar came on.

Worthly Wokette Skum January 4, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Wild animals are, by and large, smart enough to realize they're dead meat anyway with the GOP taking control of the House, and decided to go out in style. Too bad the rest of us lack their nerve.

DustBowlBlues January 4, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Too bad they weren't carrier blackbirds, with little messages that read, "Climate change. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Twee . . ."

PublicLuxury January 4, 2011 at 8:18 pm

Birds fell from the sky once on a playground near the children during a recess. It scared the children.

After much investigation and screaming and crying and yelling at the children not to touch the birds. . . Turns out the custodian put some poison out during fall break to rid the pigeon menace. Some birds got stuck in the Ficus Trees and plopped down on the children.

Good Times. Good Times.

mourningnmerica January 4, 2011 at 8:26 pm

Which Seal is birds falling out of the sky? Is there still time for me to take the family to Branson?

zhubajie January 4, 2011 at 8:33 pm
zhubajie January 4, 2011 at 8:40 pm

So does the US need an official haruspex, to interpret such things? Reagan's astrologer probably can't do it.

lulzmonger January 4, 2011 at 9:02 pm

Yeah, surely nobody could have predicted die-offs of birds or fish after so many decades on end of wholesale dumping of megatons of toxic shit into the land, sea & air … scientists all agree – IT IS A MYSTERY!

More importantly: is it just me, or did the TSA-1138 WonkBot get a sex-change?
I'd hit it.

gijoeice January 4, 2011 at 9:19 pm

More Wonkbot, please!

Negropolis January 5, 2011 at 2:41 am

I'll try it, again.

Four and twenty blackbirds, fell from the sky…

Mindblank January 5, 2011 at 8:42 am

One for sorrow
Two for joy
Three for a girl
Four for a boy
Five for silver
Six for gold
Seven for a secret, never to be told
Eight for a wish
Nine for a kiss
Five hundred means Dick Cheney's not gonna miss

DemonicRage January 5, 2011 at 9:28 am

Third piece in the puzzle: bees are dying off. This looks bad. Has John McCain asked for a special conference on camera at the White House, so that he can solve this problem too, the way he solved the Economic Collapse (suspending his very effective Presidential Campaign, so nobly, in the process)?

zhubajie January 6, 2011 at 1:38 am

Bees been dying off for quite some time.

ChessieNefercat January 5, 2011 at 11:49 am

Killer flying cats for the birds, killer swimming cats for the fish.

ttommyunger January 5, 2011 at 1:06 pm

Further proof of Obama's ineptitude.

Negropolis January 5, 2011 at 9:14 pm

It only works if you say the actual term: This proves that Obama's morally weak. Otherwise, the peeness doesn't pour in.

ttommyunger January 5, 2011 at 9:41 pm

And everybody knows, we all live for the p's.

zhubajie January 6, 2011 at 1:39 am

Well, I have wondered why he bothered to run. To be a prof at University of Chicago sounds more fun, less frustration, to me, at least.

ttommyunger January 6, 2011 at 9:36 am

The number and length of meetings, plus the necessity of dealing with Government-Types would be a deal-breaker for me; not even touching on the travel and ritual requirements.It is a mystery to me as well, but someone must govern, I suppose, if one is to have a society. It is possible he looks at his job as a game. I've known men who have shouldered heavy professional responsibilities and viewed their job as nothing more than a game. They are not prone to ulcers or stress and seem to be able to compartmentalize their lives successfully. I lack that ability.

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