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National Zoo Death Panel Murders Brave Bald Eagle

First they came for the sparrows, and I did not speak out...HMM, SYMBOLISM: “Sam, an elderly female bald eagle who had lived at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo since 2003, was euthanized by officials on Dec. 31, authorities said.” First the Smithsonian lets ants just walk all over a crucifix like they own it, and then their death panel decides to kill granny bald eagle, America’s greatest symbol. What’s worse, this socialist D.C.-insider organization put this patriot bird under big-government slavery after simply trying to enjoy the Second Amendment: “Sam… lived in Alaska until 1986, when she was found suffering from a gunshot wound.” Surely she wanted to die living in freedom and not by the hands of some government-funded bureaucrats. Surely Sarah Palin must RT this.

Sam was found lying in her exhibit Dec. 28 and was taken to the zoo’s veterinary hospital for treatment. She initially responded to medical treatment, but her condition began to decline and she was euthanized.

Jesus, you know what they probably tried to do to her? Give her medical treatment. Disgusting. And then they decided George Washington’s best friend wasn’t allowed to live anymore. It is they who should be given the penalty of death. And it would happen, if this had taken place in a Texas zoo.

The zoo currently has one bald eagle left and is considering adding more. The remaining bald eagle is not on exhibit because of construction of the new seal and sea lion exhibit in the Beaver Valley section of the zoo.

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Sure, remove THE PATRIOT SYMBOLS OUR CHILDREN NEED TO LEARN ABOUT AND WEAR ON THEIR XXXXXXXL T-SHIRTS and replace them with a bunch of inferior, lazy, foreign brown creatures.

If Jesus was a bald eagle and his bald eagle mom was trying to give birth to his egg at the National Zoo, there would have been no room at the inn, and this zoo death-panel would have made him into an omelet. [WP]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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88 comments

  1. SorosBot

    The killed Sam the Eagle? First they came for the super-patriot blue muppets, and I said nothing..

  2. Fare la Volpe

    The remaining bald eagle is not on exhibit because of construction of the new seal and sea lion exhibit in the Beaver Valley

    There's a euphemism in here somewhere. Gimme a minute.

    1. V572625694

      Don't be such a speciesist. All animals are created equal, but some are more equal than others. That's what Trotter said, anyway.

    2. chicken_thief

      My first thought when reading that was that the good Lord already made Beaver Valley – and a fine job he did! Maybe they are just prepping the BV for the "sea lion".

  3. SmutBoffin

    I just read that ants/crucifix thing for the first time and WTF? I mean, I hate art as much as the next person who likes art (wut?), but whatta buncha crying baby Christies, man.

  4. Worthly Wokette Skum

    "Bald Eagle" sounds like another GOP honorific for profligate fund raising, one that is at least somewhat based in truth (the bald part), unlike the ridiculous "young gun".

    1. PsycWench

      To say nothing of the National Endowment for the Arts. The crucifix-in-urine debacle of the early 90's is probably still alive and well in some people's minds.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        You know Scalia faps to it every night, when he's not flogging himself to an autographed portfolio of Robert Mapplethorpe's oeuvre.

      1. mumbly_joe

        It's because Our Troops are very special, and deserve the very best care we can offer, because of their service, but also we can't give it to anyone else, because socialized medicine would destroy our health care quality completely, because socialized medicine doesn't work. Wait, what?

  5. PsycWench

    Jesus, you know what they probably tried to do to her? Give her medical treatment and they probably didn't even bill her (ha ha?) for it. You know what this means! Socialized Medicine! And then they euthanized her? THIS is what Obamacare is all about!!

    Jeez that was a little too realistic. Sorry.

  6. angryclownspawn

    This is the saddest story I have ever read. Why couldn't they let Sam die with dignity by flinging her into the air so Sarah Palin could shoot her from a helicopter with a large caliber gun as god intended? Why?

  7. V572625694

    The free market already provides captive animals on display at any mall puppy mill. They have some nice parakeets in cages, and many of them will still be alive in the morning. It's not fair for the so-called "National" Zoo to compete with private enterprise. The Zoo's on a nice piece of high-value terrain too. Fire up the D9 Cats: we're gonna redevelop!

  8. Serolf_Divad

    Sam was found lying in her exhibit Dec. 28 and was taken to the zoo’s veterinary hospital for treatment. She responded well to treatment with Avastin, but the medication is costly, and once it was determined that Sam was actually Sarah Palin's learning disabled child, Trig, dressed in an elaborate eagle costume, it was decided to withdraw the life saving drug. Instead government bureaucrats gathered around the infant and laughed heartily as the color slowly drained from his angelic face and his soul slipped its mortal coil, to float on up to Heaven, where it now plays paddy cakes with baby Jesus.

    There, fixed it.

  9. HempDogbane

    Not reported: They used the Piss Christ/Eagle method of euthanasia, as recommended in the fine print on page 296 of the Death Panel authorizing NobamaCare bill.

      1. chicken_thief

        Which, according to Walnuts is torture. Unless Obama sez it's torture, then he agrees that he was misquoted and insists it is just fine.

  10. hagajim

    Euthanized – does that mean strangled by Scalia – because we know Bald Eagles aren't protected by the Constitution.

  11. MaxUdargo

    So when the Eagle soared free in the skies above Alaska, somebody shot it. So the government took the Eagle and put it in a cage where it was no longer free but it was safe, until it was euthanized by government veterinarians.

    It's a silly metaphor, and yet it's perfect. I guess that's the whole problem.

    1. Sophist FCD

      I think executing people with Tucker Carlson clearly falls in the "cruel and unusual punishment" category.

      1. PsycWench

        I imagine it would involve forcing people to view Tucker Carlson until they killed themselves, so maybe it would techically be "assisted suicide"?

          1. HempDogbane

            Today, we execute Tucker Carlson and Hitler. Wednesday, tune in to see Tucker Carlson executed along with his guest, Saddam Hussein, who was a very, very bad man. On Thursday you won't want to miss seeing Tucker and a very limp old eagle from the National Zoo in D. C. executed simultaneously. In a jar of urine.

    2. Kidneys4Sale

      Not sure how I'm supposed to parse that. Either way, I think you've got a hit on your hands.

  12. Sophist FCD

    12/31/2010! NEVAR FORGET!!!

    Does this mean we get to bomb Yemen or Iran or Burundi or wherever?

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Now you know the US empire likes to play duck, duck, goose with countries controlled by minorities…we bombed Vietnam and nuked Japan so Asia has had their turn…Reagan's crazy mass murders in south and central America means brown people have had a go…oh and we threw in Arabs because teabaggers can't tell the difference between an A-rab and a Messican….so now, sorry Africa, but this cruise missle is for you…I'm going to guess we'll invade the DCR because they haven't been fucked over by the west enough until we commence bombing…it's sort of like Bristol Palin being at the end of her usual train of Alaskan hillbillies when suddenly Long Dong Silver wants a turn…..

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yes but Sam wasn't also found abed with an oil lobbyist so therefore she's in the GOP minor hero section next to lightweights like Tucker Carlson…the major section is for the "Dominican Ass Reamer" Rush Limbaugh, Dubya, Cheney, Reagan's corpse and Glenn Beck's scrotum since we know teabaggers took their name from his taint.

  13. Oblios_Cap

    When it is determined that there is no chance of an animal recovering, the medical authorities in charge are allowed to euthanize the creature so that it doesn't die a slow, painful death.

    But if it was a human in the same situation, they would be stuck full of tubes and medicines until every last cent had been drained out of the poor fucker's estate and then the plug might be pulled, unless there were more government dollars to be tapped.

    I wonder why that is?

    1. SorosBot

      Well at least now Medicare will pay doctors to discuss options over DNR orders with their patients, which means DEATH PANELS! DEATH PANELS!! THEY"RE GONNA KILL YOU'RE GRANMA!!1!!1

      1. PsycWench

        The kicker to that one is that for four years prior to her death, my grandma prayed nightly for "Jesus to take her".

        1. SorosBot

          My grandmother was like that for her last two months, and it was awful; four years of that must have really been hell.

    2. HedonismBot

      "they would be stuck full of tubes and medicines until every last cent had been drained out of the poor fucker's estate and then the plug might be pulled, unless there were more government dollars to be tapped."
      Gee. If said situation did not occur, the survivors would be freer to contribute money into the economy, and the gubmint would be spending less money, thereby reducing the deficit. This provides more proof (as if we needed it) as to the TeaOhPee's REAL concerns about the economy and deficit.
      By all means, repeal Obamacare, because soshulisms.

    3. Lost_Teabaggers

      Eh my grandmother found a different solution that proved how stubborn and willful she could be…she just stopped eating. She had esphagial cancer and after surgery with a stent in her throat she just decided it was time to go be with my grandfather…on a serious note, this may sound sentimental and dumb but I'm an agnostic simply because I'd rather hope their is a heaven where people like my grandparents can be reunited free of the pain and baggage of human existence than instead just decide the lights go out and blackness..empty non-existence awaits us. Now that I've inappropriately tossed that thought in….I'll go back to my patented brand of humor by reporting that Glenn Beck is probably crying while on the toilet (the most pathetic place for a man to cry, truly) after hearing he's been cancelled in NY and Philadelphia…those e-vil fashist commonists is winnin, rally the teabaggers!

  14. SayItWithWookies

    The damn National Zoo is just playing politics — they know the only way to get federal funding is to go before the Republicans in the House and tell them they euthanize ill eagles.

  15. SudsMcKenzie

    He was set to retire at the end of the year, … only three days from retirement.

    SMITHSONIAAAN!!11

  16. Neilist

    Sam — aka "Samantha" — served 17 years in the U.S. Navy before she came out of the closet.

    And was dishonorably discharged under DADT.

    So for her mustering out, she dumped a load on the XO of the U.S.S. Enterprise that would have been the envy of Lt. Cmdr. Wade McCluskey's SBD squadron at Midway.

    Only it was birdshit instead of 500 lb. bombs.

  17. problemwithcaring

    “Sam… lived in Alaska until 1986, when she was found suffering from a gunshot wound.”

    Wow. Apparently there are as many skilled hunters living in Alaska as there are people not receiving government benefits.

  18. LionelHutzEsq

    The eagle is dead, and yet the pandas and camels live. Do you need a clearer sign that Obama has sold us out to the Chinese and the Muslims? If George Bush was still President, don't you think they would have Sam hooked up to the same machines/dark magic that keeps Cheney alive?

  19. SorosBot

    At first, I thought this said they euthanized a Byrd, and figured that David Crosby's past had finally caught up to his liver.

  20. Jukesgrrl

    No Congresspersons cut short their Christmas vacations to try to Terry Schaivo this creature? (I thought only dogs had it better than people in the US of A.)

  21. JackObin

    The national symbol of this corpulent nation is not the Bald Eagle, but rather a large bowl of macaroni and cheese, washed down with a large Diet Coke.

  22. ShaveTheWhales

    So this eagle was at least 24 years old, and had recovered from a gunshot wound in Alaska (note — it's illegal (har, har) to shoot bald eagles).

    I don't know what eagle years are, but since they are predator/scavengers I'm sure they're not the same as parrot years. If Sam were a dog, she'd be long since dead; if a cat, at least almost dead; Wolf: dead; cow: dead; sheep: dead; horse: bloody fucking old; hawk: dead; duck: dead; chicken: extremely dead.

    Wait — I've just gotten all worked up over a trivial news story that Jack jacked up.

    Never mind.

  23. ttommyunger

    No doubt Cheney was flown in with his trusty shotgun to do the honors. Speaking of Honors, can we shoot that asshole, too?

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