YOU CAN'T NEVER FORGET HARD ENOUGH  2:36 pm January 4, 2011

National Zoo Death Panel Murders Brave Bald Eagle

by Jack Stuef

First they came for the sparrows, and I did not speak out...HMM, SYMBOLISM: “Sam, an elderly female bald eagle who had lived at the Smithsonian’s National Zoo since 2003, was euthanized by officials on Dec. 31, authorities said.” First the Smithsonian lets ants just walk all over a crucifix like they own it, and then their death panel decides to kill granny bald eagle, America’s greatest symbol. What’s worse, this socialist D.C.-insider organization put this patriot bird under big-government slavery after simply trying to enjoy the Second Amendment: “Sam… lived in Alaska until 1986, when she was found suffering from a gunshot wound.” Surely she wanted to die living in freedom and not by the hands of some government-funded bureaucrats. Surely Sarah Palin must RT this.

Sam was found lying in her exhibit Dec. 28 and was taken to the zoo’s veterinary hospital for treatment. She initially responded to medical treatment, but her condition began to decline and she was euthanized.

Jesus, you know what they probably tried to do to her? Give her medical treatment. Disgusting. And then they decided George Washington’s best friend wasn’t allowed to live anymore. It is they who should be given the penalty of death. And it would happen, if this had taken place in a Texas zoo.

The zoo currently has one bald eagle left and is considering adding more. The remaining bald eagle is not on exhibit because of construction of the new seal and sea lion exhibit in the Beaver Valley section of the zoo.

Sure, remove THE PATRIOT SYMBOLS OUR CHILDREN NEED TO LEARN ABOUT AND WEAR ON THEIR XXXXXXXL T-SHIRTS and replace them with a bunch of inferior, lazy, foreign brown creatures.

If Jesus was a bald eagle and his bald eagle mom was trying to give birth to his egg at the National Zoo, there would have been no room at the inn, and this zoo death-panel would have made him into an omelet. [WP]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 88 comments }

user-of-owls January 4, 2011 at 2:38 pm

They murdered a BIRD?! This time, it's personal.

PsycWench January 4, 2011 at 2:56 pm

In Twitter language, this would be "birdered". Gotta make those 140 characters count.

mumbly_joe January 4, 2011 at 9:02 pm

Tucker Carlson is pretty sure that's a capital offense.

SorosBot January 4, 2011 at 2:40 pm

The killed Sam the Eagle? First they came for the super-patriot blue muppets, and I said nothing..

Lazy Media January 4, 2011 at 3:07 pm

Wouldn't be the first time he died on stage. Hwawhawhwahuh!!!

/Statler&Waldorf'd

LionelHutzEsq January 4, 2011 at 4:42 pm

They killed Michael Steele? Is Mit "Guy Smiley" Romney next?

MozakiBlocks January 4, 2011 at 2:41 pm

THIS WILL NOT STAND!!!

TO ARMS…er…TO WINGS!!!

Fare la Volpe January 4, 2011 at 2:42 pm

The remaining bald eagle is not on exhibit because of construction of the new seal and sea lion exhibit in the Beaver Valley

There's a euphemism in here somewhere. Gimme a minute.

V572625694 January 4, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Don't be such a speciesist. All animals are created equal, but some are more equal than others. That's what Trotter said, anyway.

chicken_thief January 4, 2011 at 3:46 pm

My first thought when reading that was that the good Lord already made Beaver Valley – and a fine job he did! Maybe they are just prepping the BV for the "sea lion".

AngryGeometer January 4, 2011 at 7:32 pm

The founder of American Apparel has a mansion there.

ShaveTheWhales January 4, 2011 at 10:55 pm

I think you're looking for Xtine.

ManchuCandidate January 4, 2011 at 2:42 pm

I dunno. I'd be more worried if it was those old grannies at the Audubon Society who killed Sam. Those binocular carrying bitches are CRAZY.

SmutBoffin January 4, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I just read that ants/crucifix thing for the first time and WTF? I mean, I hate art as much as the next person who likes art (wut?), but whatta buncha crying baby Christies, man.

Worthly Wokette Skum January 4, 2011 at 2:44 pm

"Bald Eagle" sounds like another GOP honorific for profligate fund raising, one that is at least somewhat based in truth (the bald part), unlike the ridiculous "young gun".

freakishlywrong January 4, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Look for NPR to be defunded over this. Actually, look for everything to be defunded.

PsycWench January 4, 2011 at 2:54 pm

To say nothing of the National Endowment for the Arts. The crucifix-in-urine debacle of the early 90's is probably still alive and well in some people's minds.

elviouslyqueer January 4, 2011 at 2:57 pm

You know Scalia faps to it every night, when he's not flogging himself to an autographed portfolio of Robert Mapplethorpe's oeuvre.

Monsieur_Grumpe January 4, 2011 at 2:51 pm

See what happens when you socialize veterinary medicine!

PsycWench January 4, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Dang, you beat me.

SorosBot January 4, 2011 at 3:05 pm

What's next, vet care reform?

Graham Cracker January 4, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Socialized medicine for Vets????? What??? Oh, we already have that. Nevermind.

mumbly_joe January 4, 2011 at 9:05 pm

It's because Our Troops are very special, and deserve the very best care we can offer, because of their service, but also we can't give it to anyone else, because socialized medicine would destroy our health care quality completely, because socialized medicine doesn't work. Wait, what?

doxastic January 4, 2011 at 2:52 pm

This would never have happened if we'd just gone with the noble turkey instead. It would have made Sarah Palin's post-election Thanksgiving grand guignol so much funnier.

PsycWench January 4, 2011 at 2:52 pm

Jesus, you know what they probably tried to do to her? Give her medical treatment and they probably didn't even bill her (ha ha?) for it. You know what this means! Socialized Medicine! And then they euthanized her? THIS is what Obamacare is all about!!

Jeez that was a little too realistic. Sorry.

angryclownspawn January 4, 2011 at 2:52 pm

This is the saddest story I have ever read. Why couldn't they let Sam die with dignity by flinging her into the air so Sarah Palin could shoot her from a helicopter with a large caliber gun as god intended? Why?

V572625694 January 4, 2011 at 2:53 pm

The free market already provides captive animals on display at any mall puppy mill. They have some nice parakeets in cages, and many of them will still be alive in the morning. It's not fair for the so-called "National" Zoo to compete with private enterprise. The Zoo's on a nice piece of high-value terrain too. Fire up the D9 Cats: we're gonna redevelop!

Serolf_Divad January 4, 2011 at 2:53 pm

Sam was found lying in her exhibit Dec. 28 and was taken to the zoo’s veterinary hospital for treatment. She responded well to treatment with Avastin, but the medication is costly, and once it was determined that Sam was actually Sarah Palin's learning disabled child, Trig, dressed in an elaborate eagle costume, it was decided to withdraw the life saving drug. Instead government bureaucrats gathered around the infant and laughed heartily as the color slowly drained from his angelic face and his soul slipped its mortal coil, to float on up to Heaven, where it now plays paddy cakes with baby Jesus.

There, fixed it.

fuflans January 4, 2011 at 3:05 pm

la palin's followers are going to think 'mortal coil' is some kind of meth burner you know.

WriteyWriterton January 4, 2011 at 3:27 pm

It isn't?

HempDogbane January 4, 2011 at 2:56 pm

Not reported: They used the Piss Christ/Eagle method of euthanasia, as recommended in the fine print on page 296 of the Death Panel authorizing NobamaCare bill.

doxastic January 4, 2011 at 3:36 pm

Urine-boarding?

chicken_thief January 4, 2011 at 3:56 pm

Which, according to Walnuts is torture. Unless Obama sez it's torture, then he agrees that he was misquoted and insists it is just fine.

doxastic January 4, 2011 at 2:56 pm

It will be replaced by John Boehner, America's greatest weeping eagle.

problemwithcaring January 4, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Let the Eagle Soar!

hagajim January 4, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Euthanized – does that mean strangled by Scalia – because we know Bald Eagles aren't protected by the Constitution.

Gratuitous World January 4, 2011 at 2:58 pm

Isn't it obvious Sam was an Israeli spy?
deep breaths, aipac.

PsycWench January 4, 2011 at 3:22 pm

and transgendered to boot.

Buzz Feedback January 4, 2011 at 2:59 pm

Maybe they can bring in Eddie the NRA Eagle and kill him, too.

MaxUdargo January 4, 2011 at 3:04 pm

So when the Eagle soared free in the skies above Alaska, somebody shot it. So the government took the Eagle and put it in a cage where it was no longer free but it was safe, until it was euthanized by government veterinarians.

It's a silly metaphor, and yet it's perfect. I guess that's the whole problem.

Radiotherapy January 4, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Tastes like chicken.

weejee January 4, 2011 at 3:20 pm

That's what the Alaskunt tweets.

LakeLucilleLoon January 4, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Can we put the "other one" from Alaska in a cage until it's time to euthanize it?

user-of-owls January 4, 2011 at 3:06 pm

"Tonight, on 'People Who Should Be Executed with Tucker Carlson'…"

Sophist FCD January 4, 2011 at 3:12 pm

I think executing people with Tucker Carlson clearly falls in the "cruel and unusual punishment" category.

PsycWench January 4, 2011 at 3:21 pm

I imagine it would involve forcing people to view Tucker Carlson until they killed themselves, so maybe it would techically be "assisted suicide"?

LionelHutzEsq January 4, 2011 at 4:46 pm

You see, I saw it as people you would want executed along with Tucker Carlson.

HempDogbane January 4, 2011 at 8:27 pm

Today, we execute Tucker Carlson and Hitler. Wednesday, tune in to see Tucker Carlson executed along with his guest, Saddam Hussein, who was a very, very bad man. On Thursday you won't want to miss seeing Tucker and a very limp old eagle from the National Zoo in D. C. executed simultaneously. In a jar of urine.

Kidneys4Sale January 4, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Not sure how I'm supposed to parse that. Either way, I think you've got a hit on your hands.

Sophist FCD January 4, 2011 at 3:07 pm

12/31/2010! NEVAR FORGET!!!

Does this mean we get to bomb Yemen or Iran or Burundi or wherever?

Lost_Teabaggers January 5, 2011 at 2:01 am

Now you know the US empire likes to play duck, duck, goose with countries controlled by minorities…we bombed Vietnam and nuked Japan so Asia has had their turn…Reagan's crazy mass murders in south and central America means brown people have had a go…oh and we threw in Arabs because teabaggers can't tell the difference between an A-rab and a Messican….so now, sorry Africa, but this cruise missle is for you…I'm going to guess we'll invade the DCR because they haven't been fucked over by the west enough until we commence bombing…it's sort of like Bristol Palin being at the end of her usual train of Alaskan hillbillies when suddenly Long Dong Silver wants a turn…..

FlownOver January 4, 2011 at 3:10 pm

"Sam was found lying…"

and therefore eligible for inclusion in the House majority's new Pantheon of Martyred Heroes.

Lost_Teabaggers January 5, 2011 at 2:04 am

Yes but Sam wasn't also found abed with an oil lobbyist so therefore she's in the GOP minor hero section next to lightweights like Tucker Carlson…the major section is for the "Dominican Ass Reamer" Rush Limbaugh, Dubya, Cheney, Reagan's corpse and Glenn Beck's scrotum since we know teabaggers took their name from his taint.

elviouslyqueer January 4, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Keep killing that eagle, DC.

MistaEko January 4, 2011 at 3:12 pm

The Eagles of Death Panel

Oblios_Cap January 4, 2011 at 3:13 pm

When it is determined that there is no chance of an animal recovering, the medical authorities in charge are allowed to euthanize the creature so that it doesn't die a slow, painful death.

But if it was a human in the same situation, they would be stuck full of tubes and medicines until every last cent had been drained out of the poor fucker's estate and then the plug might be pulled, unless there were more government dollars to be tapped.

I wonder why that is?

SorosBot January 4, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Well at least now Medicare will pay doctors to discuss options over DNR orders with their patients, which means DEATH PANELS! DEATH PANELS!! THEY"RE GONNA KILL YOU'RE GRANMA!!1!!1

PsycWench January 4, 2011 at 3:20 pm

The kicker to that one is that for four years prior to her death, my grandma prayed nightly for "Jesus to take her".

SorosBot January 4, 2011 at 3:33 pm

My grandmother was like that for her last two months, and it was awful; four years of that must have really been hell.

Sophist FCD January 4, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Because FREEDOM you fucking pinko!

HedonismBot January 4, 2011 at 8:18 pm

"they would be stuck full of tubes and medicines until every last cent had been drained out of the poor fucker's estate and then the plug might be pulled, unless there were more government dollars to be tapped."
Gee. If said situation did not occur, the survivors would be freer to contribute money into the economy, and the gubmint would be spending less money, thereby reducing the deficit. This provides more proof (as if we needed it) as to the TeaOhPee's REAL concerns about the economy and deficit.
By all means, repeal Obamacare, because soshulisms.

Lost_Teabaggers January 5, 2011 at 2:11 am

Eh my grandmother found a different solution that proved how stubborn and willful she could be…she just stopped eating. She had esphagial cancer and after surgery with a stent in her throat she just decided it was time to go be with my grandfather…on a serious note, this may sound sentimental and dumb but I'm an agnostic simply because I'd rather hope their is a heaven where people like my grandparents can be reunited free of the pain and baggage of human existence than instead just decide the lights go out and blackness..empty non-existence awaits us. Now that I've inappropriately tossed that thought in….I'll go back to my patented brand of humor by reporting that Glenn Beck is probably crying while on the toilet (the most pathetic place for a man to cry, truly) after hearing he's been cancelled in NY and Philadelphia…those e-vil fashist commonists is winnin, rally the teabaggers!

SayItWithWookies January 4, 2011 at 3:17 pm

The damn National Zoo is just playing politics — they know the only way to get federal funding is to go before the Republicans in the House and tell them they euthanize ill eagles.

Sophist FCD January 4, 2011 at 3:28 pm

I'm pretty sure punning is grounds for immediate death paneling.

Extemporanus January 4, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Today, we are all birds of pray eagle-y awaiting the raptor.

GOPCrusher January 4, 2011 at 4:52 pm

Or change the name to the Reagan Zoo.

horsedreamer_1 January 4, 2011 at 3:18 pm

Raptorture.

SudsMcKenzie January 4, 2011 at 3:20 pm

He was set to retire at the end of the year, … only three days from retirement.

SMITHSONIAAAN!!11

Neilist January 4, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Sam — aka "Samantha" — served 17 years in the U.S. Navy before she came out of the closet.

And was dishonorably discharged under DADT.

So for her mustering out, she dumped a load on the XO of the U.S.S. Enterprise that would have been the envy of Lt. Cmdr. Wade McCluskey's SBD squadron at Midway.

Only it was birdshit instead of 500 lb. bombs.

problemwithcaring January 4, 2011 at 3:22 pm

“Sam… lived in Alaska until 1986, when she was found suffering from a gunshot wound.”

Wow. Apparently there are as many skilled hunters living in Alaska as there are people not receiving government benefits.

court5346 January 4, 2011 at 3:24 pm

are they going to start killing off Newt's polar bears, too over at the Smithsonia zoo?

WriteyWriterton January 4, 2011 at 3:31 pm

The New! Improved! Republican House of Representatives balled eagles? Wait, what?

FlyOverGirl January 4, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Long live Butterstick!!!

chicken_thief January 4, 2011 at 3:42 pm

I suspect the heirs just wanted to avoid the Death Tax…

chascates January 4, 2011 at 3:42 pm

From her cold, dead talons.

LionelHutzEsq January 4, 2011 at 4:48 pm

The eagle is dead, and yet the pandas and camels live. Do you need a clearer sign that Obama has sold us out to the Chinese and the Muslims? If George Bush was still President, don't you think they would have Sam hooked up to the same machines/dark magic that keeps Cheney alive?

MissTaken January 4, 2011 at 4:56 pm

I keep envisioning John Ashcroft singing about soaring eagles and it makes me weep.

SorosBot January 4, 2011 at 5:05 pm

At first, I thought this said they euthanized a Byrd, and figured that David Crosby's past had finally caught up to his liver.

Jukesgrrl January 4, 2011 at 5:25 pm

No Congresspersons cut short their Christmas vacations to try to Terry Schaivo this creature? (I thought only dogs had it better than people in the US of A.)

JackObin January 4, 2011 at 5:26 pm

The national symbol of this corpulent nation is not the Bald Eagle, but rather a large bowl of macaroni and cheese, washed down with a large Diet Coke.

Sparky_McGruff January 5, 2011 at 8:22 am

Diet coke? Needz mor corn syrup. Try Mountain Dew.

OneDollarJuana January 4, 2011 at 5:37 pm

Female eagle, huh? And all these years I thought it was Uncle Sam.

Cabbage2a January 4, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Of course, Holder will not prosecute the murderer!

PublicLuxury January 4, 2011 at 7:52 pm

I like Denver Omelets.

cheaphits January 4, 2011 at 7:53 pm

Need moar beaver.

ShaveTheWhales January 4, 2011 at 11:09 pm

So this eagle was at least 24 years old, and had recovered from a gunshot wound in Alaska (note — it's illegal (har, har) to shoot bald eagles).

I don't know what eagle years are, but since they are predator/scavengers I'm sure they're not the same as parrot years. If Sam were a dog, she'd be long since dead; if a cat, at least almost dead; Wolf: dead; cow: dead; sheep: dead; horse: bloody fucking old; hawk: dead; duck: dead; chicken: extremely dead.

Wait — I've just gotten all worked up over a trivial news story that Jack jacked up.

Never mind.

transfatz January 5, 2011 at 1:37 am

Euthanasia the ill eagle aliens has be gun.

ttommyunger January 5, 2011 at 12:58 pm

No doubt Cheney was flown in with his trusty shotgun to do the honors. Speaking of Honors, can we shoot that asshole, too?

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