latke? michelob?

Wasted Newt Gingrich Sees Polar Bears On Shore Of ‘Lakke Michogan’

Papa Polars
What is it with this man and polar bears? He just sees them wherever he goes. Is it because they’re the embodiment of the American Dream, which is to be as large and white as possible? Any way, it looks like he and his family got really drunk this New Year’s. On LSD. Oh, we found a news report about this!

“He just stood out, and I’m like, ‘That can’t be,’” said John Enockson, 56, of Plymouth. “I just walked up to him and said, ‘You’re…’ and he’s like, ‘I’m Newt Gingrich.’ Oh. Bingo.”

There you go. And then he starting singing “Bingo Was His Name-O.”

If we are to be fair to Newt (though why would we be?), perhaps this is just his way of pandering to the 2012 electorate. He’s choosing his own bear symbol, à la Sarah Palin, and his grammar and sense of reality are breaking down, à la the first caucus state’s favorite senator, Chuck Grassley.

Haha, no. Newt is tripping on something. How else is he supposed to cope with the existence of THE GROUND-ZERO MOSQUE? [Twitter/Sheboygan Press]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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81 comments

  1. MuslinMosk

    I know you can get high from licking toads, but what about licking a Newt? I imagine the copious amount of sweat he produces is just filled with all sorts of delightful hallucinogens.

    1. angryclownspawn

      Honest to god, I could've happily lived my ENTIRE life without any sort of Newt-licking mental image. Thanks.

          1. cheaphits

            Hell, I find even the concept of Newter being high somewhat disturbing. People as crazy as he is don't need to be drinking or getting loaded, now or ever. Who knows what the crazy sumbitch could do in and to Sheboygan, MI.

  2. JadedDissonance

    This coming from a "speak americun-only" sort of chap.

    Please understand that one cannot seriously purport to support a nationalized idiom while simultaneously and tirelessly working to subvert it (in 140 characters or less).

  3. freakishlywrong

    What the fuck does that even mean? And that's laKKKe to you, you fucking, bloated, miserable bigot.

  4. slithytoves

    His daughter's last name is Lubbers? "Def: awkward, stupid person."

    Apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

    Personally, I think that is the lamest comment I'ver ever made on this site, but what the hell.

          1. Crank_Tango

            not the first time. I just want the next time to be by a nice amerasian lady and not a Kona-Kenyan blend.

  5. bordo2

    If Newt Gingrich jumped into Lake Michigan, it would cause a tsunami that might destroy Chicago. The man is fat. Really fat. And that's just his head.

  6. GodShammgod

    Polar Bears? Is that the new code name for self-loathing closeted gay Republicans from northern states?

  7. Makemyownchoice

    Wow, personal attacks on the guy because you don't agree with him? That is productive

    Disclaimer>>> I do not agree with him either

  8. elviouslyqueer

    He's twatting like he's got impending frostbite. Which is surprising, given the sheer amount of blubber surrounding his grubby fat fingers, not to mention the hot air spewing forth every time he opens his gob.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

      What?

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Thanks for that blast from the past. And let her pic serve as a warning — if you thought Nancy had a smile like the Siberian winter, imagine watching Callista stare vapidly at Newt as he signs a bill permitting federal funding for church-based orphanages. My testicles are retracting at the very thought.

    2. Sophist FCD

      Wow, Newt Gengrich is apparently marrying The Man Who Laughs. I did not know this.

      Nor did I want to.

  9. Sophist FCD

    At least he wasn't shooting them from a helicopter. Assuming one exists that could lift his ego, let alone his corpulent corpus.

  10. Toomush_Infer

    Actually, it is a little like Grassley, since Cheboygan (where I live) is spelled with a C, and the idea of Newt being here and not standing out like Bingo is fairly insane. He is the right color- it's pretty white and nor-german here. I would like to see him jump into the ice and have it seal back over him, however…

    1. zhubajie

      I was thinking of someone shoving him UNDER the ice, to be rediscovered after the spring thaw….

  11. Oblios_Cap

    I'm sure he didn't go in himself. If Newt's pecker shrank any more it would perforate his intestines.

  12. LionelHutzEsq

    In the part of the news story you didn't report, Newt dumped his daughter for a younger, more attractive aid while she was shivering getting out of the lakke.

  13. fartknocker

    That obese fuck must have went to the ITT Technical Institute Sarah Palin School of Twattering – another shining example of a teatard who can't spell or conjugate a sentence.

    Excuse me while I go move my bowels and clean up with his old "Contract With America."

  14. ManchuCandidate

    “He just stood out, and I’m like, ‘That can’t be,’” said John Enockson, 56, of Plymouth. “I just walked up to him and said, ‘You’re…’ and he’s like, ‘I’m Newt Gingrich."

    And I'm… "What the fuck is a Gingrich?"

  15. SorosBot

    Someone tell Newt that the actual remaining polar bears don't go anywhere near as far south as Lake Michigan, what he saw was just a regular old brown or grizzly bear covered in snow.

      1. SorosBot

        As an activist for minority rights, a socialist Canadian and a man with hair-trigger rage, he'd probably gut Newt on the spot.

    1. problemwithcaring

      This assboil's Twitter message is all the proof teabaggers need that scientific evidence of global warming is all a hoax.

  16. MadBrahms

    Like a true Constitutional Conservative, everything Newt writes will now be in the "language of the framers". "Muft stoppe construction on Mahommadean victuales in New Yorke"

  17. hagajim

    Sheboygan watching in Michogan….tranny reference and poor spelling….I wonder if Kathy's real name is Lindsay?

  18. horsedreamer_1

    Watch Newt twist this into braving Afghanistan — something our morally-weak CIC would never do — & being at the Taliban-shelling of Shebergan.

    Just watch.

  19. JustPixelz

    I must be a Luddite because absolutely nothing about tweeting appeals to me. Especially if it means I'd get Important Updates like Newt mashed out using his ham-hock-sized-thumbs.

    Nevertheless, only 21 people re-tweeted this gem. Sarah Palin gets more re-tweeting with just the letter "T". So suck it Newt, that makes SP a winner in someone's book. ("book" ha ha — like anyone even knows what those are anymore.)

  20. fuflans

    to be fair, leaving VA in january to go to sheboygan WI makes about as much sense as anything else newt has ever done.

  21. WriteyWriterton

    I believe he meant "Latke Meshugenah." He's a little late (or way early) for Hanukkah potato-pancake consumption, but not, of course, for the crazy. He's always on time for the crazy.

  22. largefooted

    Gingrich was probably trying to get into the Yacht Club (right next to that park) so he could take a boat out to go ice fishing.

    He saw the fat skinny-dipping Wisconsinites (including a few of my wife's uncle's) and had to go and gawk instead.

  23. Tundra Grifter

    He can spell "Sheboygan" but not "Lake Michigan?"

    Lakke? His daughter went swimming in a potato pancake?

  24. rocktonsam

    His fingers were probably really greasy from all those brats he ate at the Brat Stop and he couldn't type so well with those fat greasy fingers.

    mmm brats

  25. PublicLuxury

    Perhaps Newt is drunk on L.O.V.E. He may be having an affair. I know it is very unlikely, but think outside the box for one little minute, Wonketters.

  26. mourningnmerica

    The mistakes were just because his fingers were cold. He meant to post "I'm an obese, needy, narcissist, serial cheating megalomaniac, who can't admit that I have been over for a decade and a half."

  27. ShaveTheWhales

    Okay, look. I have no idea what the fuck the Newtron Bomb was doing in Sheboygan, but being a Milwaukee native I do know that — in this context — "Polar Bears" are fucking idiot humans who jump into, and instantly back out of, Lakke Michicoan — often through holes cut in the ice — on New Year Day.

    The misspellings in Newtie-patooties twats are likely due to (1) he was fucking cold, and (2) he's a moron.

    Chances are, the Newter would have been a better PB than his kid — adipose tissue is a well-known insulator; most Polar Bears of my acquaintance were pretty zaftig..

    16F air temp is, for this time of year, pretty unremarkable. The water is, of course, near 32F, and so warmer than the air, which is why people do this shit in the first place.

    Oh, and fuck you Newt, you enormous piece of shit. I hope your daughter is not indelibly tainted by your evil.

  28. Negropolis

    Someone needs to tell him that 140 characters is not an actual requirement, rather, it is a limit.

  29. ttommyunger

    I'm sitting here musing as to what sort of "person" would actually follow the Newtster's tweets? I'm visualizing a mobile home in Mississippi, a kitchen table with a laminate top (mottled red) and chrome legs and trip. Vinyl covered chairs, torn in places. A Marlboro burning in the ashtray, Fox blaring on the 19" teevee machine and a couple of rug-rats somewhere in the vicinity. Internet access? Your guess is as good as mine.

Comments are closed.