the decomposed jaws of defeat

Hey Look, Joe Miller Finally Quit

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Happy New Year! Joe Miller must have had to wait until 2011 to quit being an asshole for tax purposes. Yeah, that’s it. Let’s see how he starts his statement:

“In what can only be described as actions that are reckless, irresponsible, and immoral

You embarrassed your kids by fighting Lisa Murkowski for months in court after you clearly lost?

we continue to pass on trillion-dollar debt to our children.


This delusional

MAN? Oh, finally, he looked in the mirror!

spending has no regard for the burden placed on them and no consideration for the difficulties placed on themselves.


Can’t wait until this guy murders someone and is back in the headlines! [YouTube]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • WriteyWriterton

    Nice 'do on the missus there. I'd date it at ~ 1984. Coincidentally.

    • johnnymeatworth

      That blue shirt of hers is quite stylish. I guess she just got off from her shift at Blockbuster?

      • WriteyWriterton

        And Joe's probably reading the back of a box of Raisinets (TM).

      • elviouslyqueer

        Blockbuster? As if. That's a Wal-Mart frock if ever I saw one.

        • WriteyWriterton

          Frock or pants? And if the latter, relaxed fit or elastically banded?

      • DemmeFatale

        My husband has a shirt in that color. Whenever he wears it, I ask if he's here to fix the furnace.

        • Pragmatist2

          My wife often "mistakes" me for the pool boy. Games are fun.

    • SmutBoffin

      Why does she even need to be there? Everyone knows that you only put yr. wifey next to the podium when
      1) admitting to infidelity with prostitutes
      2) resigning an elected office you already have to spend more time with your chubby kids
      3) that's it

      • WriteyWriterton

        You forgot 4): Announcing the date of an announcement concerning your plans to run for higher office, and

        5): announcing – through your lawyer, of course – that you intend to fight these political charges vigorously and that you look forward to testifying at trial and clearing your name, i.e., invoking the Fifth Amendment and not testifying.

        • indecencycmdr

          and coming out as a "gay American" or declaring you are not gay and you love your wife.

          • WriteyWriterton

            Or doing both.

          • GOPCrusher

            Especially effective if just being caught having ghey sex and doing lines of meth with a male prostitute.
            Just add tears and invoke the Jeebus.

      • PresBeeblebrox
        • neiltheblaze

          That pic never gets old.

        • V572625694

          Manful resolve and brave face on the failed candidate, weary resignation in the dutiful spouse, no-White-House-wedding-for-me thinking oldest daughter, son envisioning his Columbine-style rampage, and youngest with doll in matching dress just telling it all in one face: "Why, Jeebus? WHY?"

          Best polit pic evah.

        • GOPCrusher

          That look on little Malachi's face in the right hand corner, just screams Children Of The Corn.

    • Progressiveinga

      Hairdo? That's what that is. I thought that Joe brought his work tool with him to the podium so he could go back to scrubbing floors right after the presser.

  • iburl

    Lumberjack-off normally has goons do his dirty work, but it is possible that he may have to murder one of his own goons. For tea-party discipline enforcement purposes.

    • WriteyWriterton

      …and that will forever be known as "The You Betcha Putsch."

    • Negropolis

      I mean, you just can't let people live after losing in a humiliating write-in defeat, right? What kind of example would that set for future campaigns?

  • WriteyWriterton

    Hey, where's everyone else? Did everyone go to lunch and not invite me? Again?

  • x111e7thst

    Joe Miller is a fucktarded piece of shit. I wish him neither health nor wealth, nor yet a rope to hang himself.

  • horsedreamer_1

    How's that quitty, retreaty thing workin' out for ye?

    • Negropolis

      Awww fuck; shit just got real…

  • edgydrifter

    Did I miss the part where he says he'll give back his farm subsidy payments?

  • LionelHutzEsq

    I'm surprised you didn't include the video of Joe Miller leaving the podium for the wilderness at the end of this speech:

  • ManchuCandidate

    Note to Joe, sometimes quitting is honorable and good but not always–see Grifter Snow Princess. Especially when you finally realize that you've been tilting a windmill and showcasing your thuggish stupidity.

  • elviouslyqueer

    So long, Neckbeard! And don't let the door hit 'ya where the good Lord split 'ya.

  • V572625694

    Pretty sure the little lady is actually a short gentleman in a string-mop wig. See the way the shirt buttons, left over right?

  • JustPixelz

    It's Miller Time in the news today. Joe Miller admitting people would rather learn to spell Murcowsky than vote for him. Judy Miller giving hard-learned journalism lessons (check your sources). I assume there's a Dennis Miller story about to break; maybe something about using shorter sentences, fewer allusions on Fux News. And, of course, I'm ready for the"Barney Miller Goes to Hawaii Easter Special".

    • WriteyWriterton

      Don't put Barney in the same boat with the other Millers.

    • JoeMamased

      Glenn Miller Orchestra or GTFO.

    • transfatz

      This tale is done, and God save all the rout!

  • user-of-owls

    Can’t wait until this guy murders someone and is back in the headlines.

    Wrong tense, Jack. You used the future imperfect when a simple past tense is called for.

  • Radiotherapy

    You could easily shave more than 20 minutes off this 21:10.

    • Failure_Artist

      Joe Miller doesn't look like he knows how to shave.

  • neiltheblaze

    Bye bye Joey! Nobody's going to give YOU a reality show. Some grifter you are! Piker.

  • ttommyunger

    Who knew Newt would be so hot in a blonde wig? I would definitely hit that!

  • BarackMyWorld

    "….we continue to pass on trillion-dollar debt to our children."

    I'm still amazed Republicans can say stuff like this with a straight face.

    • problemwithcaring

      Especially one with two jobs, still collecting VA benefits.

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Oh shit! Did Palin grow wings and fly too?

  • PublicLuxury

    Her name is embroidered in red on a big white oval. This helps her remember how to spell her name when she has to sign her time slip.

  • straighteight

    Nice of Robert Plant to stand next to him during his speech.

    • aguacatero

      Eight kids is indeed a Whole Lotta Love.

  • Negropolis

    Hey Mrs. Miller! Yeah, you in the handsome uniform. The early 90's called; they want their hair back.

    Too soon?

  • NorthStarSpanx

    ". . .we continue to pass on trillion-dollar debt to our children."

    Oh and Joe, even if I were a blind, illiterate paraplegic, there was no way I was going to mess up spelling Murkowski on my ballot. Fuck off Asshole, Happy New Year.

  • neiltheblaze

    Since his announcement, I've felt a ripple in the crazy.

  • Negropolis

    As if a million tea baggers screamed in abject misery, but were quickly silenced.