the decomposed jaws of defeat

Hey Look, Joe Miller Finally Quit

Happy New Year! Joe Miller must have had to wait until 2011 to quit being an asshole for tax purposes. Yeah, that’s it. Let’s see how he starts his statement:

“In what can only be described as actions that are reckless, irresponsible, and immoral

You embarrassed your kids by fighting Lisa Murkowski for months in court after you clearly lost?

we continue to pass on trillion-dollar debt to our children.


This delusional

MAN? Oh, finally, he looked in the mirror!

spending has no regard for the burden placed on them and no consideration for the difficulties placed on themselves.


Can’t wait until this guy murders someone and is back in the headlines! [YouTube]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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    1. johnnymeatworth

      That blue shirt of hers is quite stylish. I guess she just got off from her shift at Blockbuster?

      1. DemmeFatale

        My husband has a shirt in that color. Whenever he wears it, I ask if he's here to fix the furnace.

    2. SmutBoffin

      Why does she even need to be there? Everyone knows that you only put yr. wifey next to the podium when
      1) admitting to infidelity with prostitutes
      2) resigning an elected office you already have to spend more time with your chubby kids
      3) that's it

      1. WriteyWriterton

        You forgot 4): Announcing the date of an announcement concerning your plans to run for higher office, and

        5): announcing – through your lawyer, of course – that you intend to fight these political charges vigorously and that you look forward to testifying at trial and clearing your name, i.e., invoking the Fifth Amendment and not testifying.

          1. GOPCrusher

            Especially effective if just being caught having ghey sex and doing lines of meth with a male prostitute.
            Just add tears and invoke the Jeebus.

        1. V572625694

          Manful resolve and brave face on the failed candidate, weary resignation in the dutiful spouse, no-White-House-wedding-for-me thinking oldest daughter, son envisioning his Columbine-style rampage, and youngest with doll in matching dress just telling it all in one face: "Why, Jeebus? WHY?"

          Best polit pic evah.

        2. GOPCrusher

          That look on little Malachi's face in the right hand corner, just screams Children Of The Corn.

    3. Progressiveinga

      Hairdo? That's what that is. I thought that Joe brought his work tool with him to the podium so he could go back to scrubbing floors right after the presser.

  1. iburl

    Lumberjack-off normally has goons do his dirty work, but it is possible that he may have to murder one of his own goons. For tea-party discipline enforcement purposes.

    1. Negropolis

      I mean, you just can't let people live after losing in a humiliating write-in defeat, right? What kind of example would that set for future campaigns?

  2. x111e7thst

    Joe Miller is a fucktarded piece of shit. I wish him neither health nor wealth, nor yet a rope to hang himself.

  3. ManchuCandidate

    Note to Joe, sometimes quitting is honorable and good but not always–see Grifter Snow Princess. Especially when you finally realize that you've been tilting a windmill and showcasing your thuggish stupidity.

  4. V572625694

    Pretty sure the little lady is actually a short gentleman in a string-mop wig. See the way the shirt buttons, left over right?

  5. JustPixelz

    It's Miller Time in the news today. Joe Miller admitting people would rather learn to spell Murcowsky than vote for him. Judy Miller giving hard-learned journalism lessons (check your sources). I assume there's a Dennis Miller story about to break; maybe something about using shorter sentences, fewer allusions on Fux News. And, of course, I'm ready for the"Barney Miller Goes to Hawaii Easter Special".

  6. user-of-owls

    Can’t wait until this guy murders someone and is back in the headlines.

    Wrong tense, Jack. You used the future imperfect when a simple past tense is called for.

  7. BarackMyWorld

    "….we continue to pass on trillion-dollar debt to our children."

    I'm still amazed Republicans can say stuff like this with a straight face.

  8. PublicLuxury

    Her name is embroidered in red on a big white oval. This helps her remember how to spell her name when she has to sign her time slip.

  9. Negropolis

    Hey Mrs. Miller! Yeah, you in the handsome uniform. The early 90's called; they want their hair back.

    Too soon?

  10. NorthStarSpanx

    ". . .we continue to pass on trillion-dollar debt to our children."

    Oh and Joe, even if I were a blind, illiterate paraplegic, there was no way I was going to mess up spelling Murkowski on my ballot. Fuck off Asshole, Happy New Year.

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