IMPORTANT: World Now Ending In May, Not Waiting For 2012

  the more you know

It must be true, because look, there's God's true messenger, a pickup truck.Here’s something we appreciate the Associated Press covering, in the interest of humanity: “Exley is part of a movement of Christians loosely organized by radio broadcasts and websites, independent of churches and convinced by their reading of the Bible that the end of the world will begin May 21, 2011.” Well, there you have it! Those heathen Mayans, whom God refused to educate about His existence, thought they could pull a fast one on history’s winningest religion, but they can’t! While Mayans lounge around, satisfied with their armageddon, getting drunk on llama wine and eating aloe steaks, the Protestant Work Ethic has overcome. Let’s have a look at this new, improved, even more impending end-of-days!

“A lot of people might think, ‘The end’s coming, let’s go party,’” said Exley, a veteran of two deployments in Iraq. “But we’re commanded by God to warn people. I wish I could just be like everybody else, but it’s so much better to know that when the end comes, you’ll be safe.”

Jeez lady, can you stop serving your country for five seconds? We want to thank you.

“It’s definitely against the grain, I know that,” she said. “We’re hoping people won’t take our word for it, or Harold Camping’s word for it.

We’re hoping that people will search the scriptures for themselves.”
Camping, 89, believes the Bible essentially functions as a cosmic calendar explaining exactly when various prophecies will be fulfilled.

Yes, obviously. How did people in the pre-Da Vinci Code era ever think the Bible was anything but a sequence of secret codes in need of a cereal-box decoder pen? That’s all religion is, anyway. Secret codes about space science.

This lady is still planning on going to Iraq again, by the way, but:

“I don’t really have plans to come back,” she said. “Time is short.”

So skip out on your deployment! Blame it on the birf certificate! You said this was important! And it won’t matter if they start proceedings against you for desertion! The end is near!

So how is this woman’s campaign going? They did one of these things:

And they stuck some t-shirts on some Ghanaians.

'You're going to give our village access to clean water? Sure, we'll put on these embarrassing shirts.'

We really need to start funding psychological services for the troops. [AP via Yahoo]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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