the more you know

IMPORTANT: World Now Ending In May, Not Waiting For 2012

It must be true, because look, there's God's true messenger, a pickup truck.Here’s something we appreciate the Associated Press covering, in the interest of humanity: “Exley is part of a movement of Christians loosely organized by radio broadcasts and websites, independent of churches and convinced by their reading of the Bible that the end of the world will begin May 21, 2011.” Well, there you have it! Those heathen Mayans, whom God refused to educate about His existence, thought they could pull a fast one on history’s winningest religion, but they can’t! While Mayans lounge around, satisfied with their armageddon, getting drunk on llama wine and eating aloe steaks, the Protestant Work Ethic has overcome. Let’s have a look at this new, improved, even more impending end-of-days!

“A lot of people might think, ‘The end’s coming, let’s go party,’” said Exley, a veteran of two deployments in Iraq. “But we’re commanded by God to warn people. I wish I could just be like everybody else, but it’s so much better to know that when the end comes, you’ll be safe.”

Jeez lady, can you stop serving your country for five seconds? We want to thank you.

“It’s definitely against the grain, I know that,” she said. “We’re hoping people won’t take our word for it, or Harold Camping’s word for it.

We’re hoping that people will search the scriptures for themselves.”
Camping, 89, believes the Bible essentially functions as a cosmic calendar explaining exactly when various prophecies will be fulfilled.

Yes, obviously. How did people in the pre-Da Vinci Code era ever think the Bible was anything but a sequence of secret codes in need of a cereal-box decoder pen? That’s all religion is, anyway. Secret codes about space science.

This lady is still planning on going to Iraq again, by the way, but:

“I don’t really have plans to come back,” she said. “Time is short.”

So skip out on your deployment! Blame it on the birf certificate! You said this was important! And it won’t matter if they start proceedings against you for desertion! The end is near!

So how is this woman’s campaign going? They did one of these things:

And they stuck some t-shirts on some Ghanaians.

'You're going to give our village access to clean water? Sure, we'll put on these embarrassing shirts.'

We really need to start funding psychological services for the troops. [AP via Yahoo]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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198 comments

  1. SheriffRoscoe

    Does she have any cash, cars or real estate she wants to off-load before she gets raptured? Jack, please put me in touch.

    1. Radiotherapy

      Good idea Sheriff, I'm going to start naked short selling before there is any talk of a margin call.

    2. WABishop

      They probably have a balancing injunction against taken advantage of heathens by selling them soon-to-be-worthless goods. Tough luck, Sheriff.

  2. OkieDokieDog

    We can haz moar stoopid Xtians naow?/?

    Oh hell yeah. They're on a constant crawl out from under their rocks. I'm so tired of these effing people. Shove it up your crazy ass and leave the rest of us the hell alone.

  3. user-of-owls

    An 89-year old and someone planning to go to Iraq and not return are saying the world will end for them in a few months?

    They've already signed up three new believers: that guy with terminal brain cancer, a Chinese miner and Michael Steele.

    1. JoeMamased

      Sales meeting in Cleveland pretty much is the end of the world, although without any rapture, just the hotel bar.

      1. Dashboard_Jesus

        hell yeah, they'll sell like HOTCAKES, at least for 4 months, 21 days (welcome to the club and moar pee for you!)

  4. JustPixelz

    "…when the end comes, you’ll be safe."

    The end isn't the end? Space Jebus is turning out more like another Police Academy sequel ("Police Academy MMXI: Assignment Earth").

  5. SheriffRoscoe

    Also, can they call their congress-critter today and tell 'em not to bother repealing ObamaCare? Why should it matter to them, while it matters a great deal to us.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      can't we get them ALL to hole up in a cave, with their Repig Congressman/woman for 5 months or so and then, predator drone! (gotta use up the missiles, don't want them to go to wast!)

    2. HistoriCat

      *sigh* let me get out the chalkboard.

      ObamaCare = Socialism –> Atheism = No Religion –> No Rapture for anyone

      See – ObamaCare is Socialism. Socialism is an oppressive form of government which leads to Atheism. Since Atheism means not believing in God and having no religion, then this would lead to the Rapture being cancelled.

  6. Hera Sent Me

    Some people in 999 AD thought the world would end in 1000.

    Others thought 999 was a good year to buy stuff cheap from those who thought that.

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yes and the 7th day Adventists who were SURE the world would end in the 19th century…oh what egg they had on their faces when JEEBUS didn't show up. I wonder if other apocalyptic nutters give them even more bitters?

    1. GeorgiaBurning

      Jesus strikes me as sort of a Droid guy, after what happened at the original Apple store back in 5545 BC or whenever.

    2. fuflans

      and what exactly do you write in your 'save the date' book?

      end of world thursday, get pedicure wed am?

    3. Dashboard_Jesus

      that would be so cool, I was hoping for one fer Xmas (it's my birfday dioncha know) but noooo, all I got was this stinky frankincense and myrrh (the gold is pretty and shiny tho!)

  7. edgydrifter

    Has Camping explained the little boo-boo he made when he predicted this same stuff back in the oldey-timey days of Y2K? A simple math error, I'm sure.

    1. gvvt

      Further revision was needed. But THIS time, he's really got it. Meanwhile, Family Radio is running public service announcements on preparing your income tax return… Couldn't they just file for a six-week extension?

  8. ManchuCandidate

    Note to all Fundie End of Times types: Ur doing it wron!

    At least those Hale Bopp Cultists had the right way. They committed suicide thus guaranteeing the end of times for them while the rest of us went on with our lives. Please take the hint.

    1. jim89048

      I dunno, there's that castration thing. Might be hard to create any new adherents after that.

  9. DustinDeWynde

    Well, I just got invited to join The Rapture on 21 December, 2012, by Jesus Sonofmary on, where else…

    Facebook.

    Invite is, (and I'm only doing this linky-link in the hope that one of the above mentioned group of Xian whack-jobs somehow catch wind of this outside of FB's Walled Garden and take end up taking this joke as seriously as they do the Stephen Colberts, and they all make the clicky-clicks with their meesy mices), here:
    http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=11505141853

  10. SheriffRoscoe

    Time to quit going to the gym, and start eating fuck-all. You know, like they already been doing for years in anticipation of the rapture.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      No no, Muscular Jesus disagrees. Besides that, I'd wager heaven has a weight limit and no room for hoverrounds.

      Happy New Year to you too, Roscoe!

  11. Crank_Tango

    All I can say is thank fucking god. End this shit right now for all I care. As long as my student loan company stops calling me in Hell, I am fine.

    Then again, hell is probably one long unwanted phone call, like when I used to work in a call center…shit.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      Unfortunately, hell is being ass raped by a demon with a cat penis WHILE you're on the phone to a student loan collection agent. And to make matters worse, the collection agent is right next to you also being ass raped by a different demon with a cat penis.

  12. Radiotherapy

    It's ok to drink, fap and, most importantly, read the Wonkettes in this heaven place? Right?
    If so, then I'll pencil it in, on iCal, for the 21st: Meet Your Maker.

  13. JustPixelz

    Nice of them to give the Ghanans* those nifty T-shirts. Of course, those people could be socialist Kenyan muslins — it's hard to tell, except by skin color.
    ____________________________
    * I hope the hottie next to khaki-pants doesn't get disintegrated in The Rapture™.

  14. MistaEko

    A lot of people might think, ‘The end’s coming, let’s go party,’ Shudupshudupshudupshudup SHUT UUUUUUPPP!”

  15. SheriffRoscoe

    Thus all we have to do is multiply the number of years separating two events by the number 365.2422 to know the exact number of days between them. So from April 1, 33 A.D. to April 1, 2011 there are exactly 2011 – 33 = 1,978 years, each having 365.2422 days. This equals 722,449.07 days. From April 1, 2011 to May 21, 2011 inclusively (including the first day and the last day) are 51 days. Adding these 51 days to the number 722,449.07 gives us exactly 722,500.07 days, from April 1, 33 A.D. to May 21, 2011 inclusively. This number is enormously significant. Presently we will see why this is so.

    Fan his head! He'll be feverish after so much thinking!

    1. SorosBot

      So how was the math effected by the transfer from the Julian to the Gregorian calendar in the1500s? How about the leap seconds periodically added to account for the gradual lengthening of the day?

      1. SorosBot

        The whole faking his death thing was a really good prank, though; the look on the Apostles' faces when they saw him was priceless.

  16. freakishlywrong

    I feel another Jonestown coming on. The nutty is is prevalent a permeated throughout the..wait,… who ARE these people?

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      In that case is there anyway we can get a megachurch or 6 to jump on board? I would sorely enjoy seeing Faux news and Rush Limbaugh's audiences suddenly vanish…that would be heavenly.

  17. PresBeeblebrox

    So much for coming like a thief in the night. This thief, apparently, leaves calling cards with the date and time of his planned burglary.

  18. DashboardBuddha

    May 21st? Fuckin' nice…around the time we start getting nice weather around here, the world ends. Thanks for nothing, God.

  19. SorosBot

    A world where all the fundies suddenly vanished would truly be a much better place to live, but I'm not going to bet on it.

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yeah..if the fundies all suddenly got vacuu-sucked into space (god's going to need a strong vaccum when he tries that shit over Arkansas) that would be like an end to tribulations and an ushering in of paradise for the rest of us.

  20. Steverino247

    The Rapture: For those too stupid to understand calendars.

    But on the other hand, boy, are probate lawyers gonna be busy!

  21. DustinDeWynde

    Well, I just got invited to join The Rapture on 21 December, 2012, by Jesus Sonofmary, on, where else…

    Wait for it…

    The Facebooks.

    I ordinarily wouldn't do this, but if just one of the above mentioned Whack-A-Doodle In The Noodle Xian Fundie types up above catch wind of this, fail to get the joke and take it for as realsies as they do the Stephen Colberts, and/or really confuses and befuddles them entirely on account of the conflicting dates, then it will be totally worth it.

    So here it is:
    http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=11505141853

    What I've been telling my FB fiendrs about it is:

    Still over 143,000 seats left, but I wouldn't dilly-dally, not something one wants to be cut out of.

    Especially if it turns out to be True.

  22. V572625694

    “We’re hoping people won’t take our word for it, or Harold Camping’s word for it."

    Harold Camping's word is law around here. Whoever the fuck Harold Camping might be.

    1. mourningnmerica

      Fuck that. The handling fee of $12.50per ticket are ridiculous. I'll wait for the day of. Maybe it'll be like Woodstock.

  23. Toomush_Infer

    Um, here in Northern Michigan, the world ended back in 1929, and nobody goddammit noticed it….but I'd like to know just where God told these interfering folks they had to take out a perfectly good unused billboard to tell the rest of us….(also – if I were the billboard company, I'd make sure the check wasn't predated….)

    1. Negropolis

      The world ended a few decades later down here in the Lower Peninsula at about the end of the 60's, and the national media didn't take notice until the Big Three almost croaked.

      1. Dashboard_Jesus

        yo my brotha from anotha mutha, I recently noticed yer a late-night Wonketeer like me…kinda sucks gettin' all the leftover pee don't it? at least you got more p-ness than me, obviously (btw, keep up the good work! :)

        1. Negropolis

          I do pretty well for myself, huh? It's not the ideal role to play, but cleaning up after-hours here has its minimal benefits.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      is that the UP, eh? been there once in the winter and if'n I had to live there full time I'd be PRAYING fer the rapture, to anywhere warmer, even the hell these 'tards is destined for!

  24. SheriffRoscoe

    Also, "Save The Date." The fucking billboard tells us to save the date for judgement day. That. Is. Awesome.

    1. edgydrifter

      Ballsy, too. It's like standing at home plate pointing at the center field bleachers. You'd better deliver, or you're going to slink off looking like a real douche.

  25. Oblios_Cap

    Damn. I was going to visit my in-laws in Jersey that week and then head into the City for a few days.

    Maybe my personal heaven is Ocean City?

  26. Lost_Teabaggers

    You know, you'd think after as many historical no-call, no shows Jesus has inflicted upon his followers they'd probably have fired him by now; maybe if he was a Brown who asked one of these chubby xtians for a raise would do it?

  27. hagajim

    Awesome…I will pencil it in. And maybe we ought to hold these dipshits accountable when it doesn't happen. If it does WTF do we care – we'll all be burning in the Hell anyway.

    1. gvvt

      True dat. I forget the exact number, but Brother Camping has announced that something like 5,000 folks will be saved. TOTAL. Probably seemed like a big number when it was first announced 1900 years ago, but…

    1. PubOption

      I see they have bumper stickers in Spanish. Do Mexicans get to heaven legally, or do they have to climb a fence?

      1. Sophist FCD

        Well, Heaven is a gated community, so that probably means plenty of yard maintenance work to be done. I mean, you don't expect white people to be out there with a leaf-blower blowing the angle dust off the front lawns of their celestial McMansions, do you?

    2. mourningnmerica

      Hey wait just a God damned minute. Their website says that In the United States, approximately 220 million adults spend an average of 87-100 minutes driving per day. Hey, they are only 300 million people in the country. About half are adults. And some of us work up at the corner.
      Gosh, if they would lie about this…

    3. gvvt

      Limit of 100 "Save the Date!" Pocket Calendars.

      I would REALLY like to see one of these. I do believe I'll have to order 100.

  28. metamarcisf

    The important thing for the new republicans in congress is to repeal that health care law in time for the rapture.

  29. PublicLuxury

    Well, I never! I'm not going to believe this until my favorite Xtian virgin nonmasturbator big bushed oracle weighs in. Xtine, I'm waiting for your divine guidance.

  30. Billmatic

    Well this is good news, now I won't have to worry about getting a new Hover-round for the two month gap between when its warranty expires and the end of the world in 2012.

  31. CherryGarCAhhh

    Will Wonkette be liveblogging this monumentous event? Just in case I miss it or something.

  32. angryclownspawn

    At least we will all be spared Sarah Palin's presidential campaign. There is always an upside.

  33. user-of-owls

    Meg Stapleton just announced that Jesus is denying that he received an invitation to the event, noting, "this is the first we have ever heard of a rapture."

    1. Negropolis

      Meg is like the press agent to the stars, huh? I mean, to snag a big Jesus contract like that makes her something.

  34. Redhead

    According to a different (earlier) story about the same group of people:

    "So I asked whether there was anything I can do to prepare.
    The answer: Not much.
    Warden believes God has already decided who's going where."

    http://www.newsobserver.com/2010/12/20/872198/cru

    So there's really nothing you can do at this point – might as well get drunk and enjoy teh ghey buttsecks!

  35. weejee

    May 21st is Ascension Day, when the baby Jebus rode the sky elevator to the big Macy's in the clouds. They'll be rapturing in Columbia after celebrating with a Guinness record line of blow.

  36. DerrickWildcat

    Hmmm, she sounds a little wacky… "In August, Exley left her home in Colorado Springs, Colorado" Ok, that explains it. Colorado Springs is the epicenter of Religious kookdom.

    However, the jokes on them. As everyone knows….everyone meaning the Oneida Colony…that Jesus came back to the Earth in the year 70. Yup, the year 70. We are already in Heaven and you can do whatever you want because there is no sin in Heaven!

    "Postmenopausal women were encouraged to introduce teenage males to sex, providing both with legitimate partners that rarely resulted in pregnancies. Furthermore, these women became religious role models for the young men. Likewise, older men often introduced young women to sex."

    Read more fun stuff about the sexy Oneida Colony here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oneida_Community

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I'm trying to draw an analogy between my washing machine and the fun sex in the Oneida Colony, but I'm drawing a blank. Maybe when I put my undies on the delicate setting, it salivates on them? After all that speculation on my part, I think I'm ready for the end of the world. I'll go to heaven and give the devil my naughty appliances.

    2. mourningnmerica

      Oneida Colony sounds suspiciously close to Odey Coloney, the skunk in King Leonardo and his Short Subjects. Remember Biggie Rat and Itchy Brother? I'm just sayin' there may be a bible code connection.

  37. Come here a minute

    This is the way the world ends
    This is the way the world ends
    This is the way the world ends
    Not with a bang nor a whimper, but with pure unadulterated crazy.

  38. problemwithcaring

    OMG! It's January 3rd and they are just getting around to posting the Save the Date paranoid billboards?

    This only leaves two or three months to erect the Formal Invite paranoid billboards and get all the RSVP's in before the bridegroom cometh. And has anyone given the slightest thought to seating arrangements and a DJ? I fear this supper will be just as awkward as the last.

  39. indecencycmdr

    I don't trust anyone who is "part of a movement of [anything] loosely organized by radio broadcasts and websites". Now I'm going to listen to NPR and read huff post.

  40. DustBowlBlues

    If Spooky Doktor Tom signs on to this theory (and why not, since he's got his ready-for-the-rapture facial hair carefully groomed) you'd best prepare yourselves for a plethora of even wackier legislation coming out of his office. He'll want to get every single batshit idea he's ever had on the floor–and his handsome, manly face in front of every camera he can find.

    Spooky Doktor Tom: always ready for his closeup. And supremely confident about his superiority to the rest of humanity. When the Rapture comes, he'll be like Pirate Jenny: "Lining up people and asking me, kill them now, or later." Doktor Tom will be the judge of that, of course, saving Jesus the bother.

    Oh, that's right–Spooky Tom thinks HE is the Second Coming. As a voter in his beloved Oklahoma (actually, he has utter disdain for these stupid people), how could I have forgotten?

  41. Neoyorquino

    An apocalypse t-shirt? This is why I have to say "no, not like those people" when discussions of my Christian faith occure. And while I can't provide verbatim scriptural foundation for it, I try to abide by the precept of "Don't be a dick."

    1. WriteyWriterton

      What about apocalypse WET tee-shirt, for the gender/gender-orientation of your choice?

  42. UpstateYorkee

    My plan was to dry out a little in the first quarter after ravaging my body through the holidays.

    Fuck it I guess…

  43. MadBrahms

    Man, the rapture is coming already? I was hoping we'd at least get to see a hilarious Michele Bachmann senate run before she got whisked off. And who will make our Mosk protest signs?

    1. gvvt

      I want the All-Idiot Palin-Bachmann ticket. Luckily, we'll all be left behind, and current trends clearly point to Hell-on-Earth to keep Wonketteers entertained.

  44. Native_of_SL_UT

    I was going to start a diet, but what's the point now?
    Also, I think I will file for an extension on my taxes this year. Why pay if I don't have to.

  45. Jukesgrrl

    I used to laugh my ass off at these people until I got to know a couple who fell for it. They met in a church that preached end-days, fell in genuine love, and married. But they decided not to have children because they really believed their kook pastor who told them the world was ending on a particular date. After YEARS, they began to doubt him, but stuck around just in case the grand finale turned out to be true. Of course the date came and went. Now, after years of toiling at their jobs, they have nothing but each other and a tiny townhouse. No kids that they really wanted, no money since they gave most of it to their guru, and no faith that had sustained them. They know they have no one but themselves to blame, they take responsibility for their poor decisions, and are much less free of bitterness than I would be, so I feel sorry for them. Unfortunately, most of these people never recover from their delusions — they just think they calculated wrong. At least these two are living in the real world now.

    1. GOPCrusher

      It easy to feel sorry for them, especially since they now realize that they screwed up.
      It's the ones that refuse to see the mistake they made of their lives that you can't help but laugh in their faces.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      I hear ya, an old guy I used to work with did pretty much the same thing…him and his nice old wife of 40 years got sucked in by that asshole Jim Bakker and gave him all their money for years, just waitin' til they could join him in that heaven called Heritage USA, to wait for the Jesus of course…until they learned he was just the same old snake in a different skin and all their money was GONE…dude had a decent job and kids, grandkids, etc. and last I knew he was still workin' into his 70s…fuck I hate these phony fuckin' Christian Taliban/ con men, they prey on the simple-minded and the only thing different from the Muslin version is they kill their victims slowly, very slowly, as they suck the life out of 'em…

    1. DashboardBuddha

      I was thinking that very thing…but there's a fly in the ointment. Sure…all of the Christians will be whisked away to Heavenland…but all of the rest of the world's religions will still be in place.

  46. ttommyunger

    The Bible clearly cautions its dear readers not to try to determine the date of such things, and then the "faithful" who SWEAR by the immutable precepts of the Bible, set about figuring the date of such things. Unfuckingbelievable!

  47. Guppy06

    Deuteronomy 18:20-22 says that people who claim God will do something, and that something doesn't happen, need to be put to death. I'm willing to chip in to buy the ammo for the circular firing squad on May 22, but I'm wondering if I should start collecting some nice, smooth stones to throw instead.

    Since we're talking about Colorado Springs, I'm thinking the appropriate place for this is one of the USAFA's athletic fields.

  48. glamourdammerung

    It would almost be worth the ridiculousness of Christian mythology being true just to get rid of these clowns in May.

  49. JackObin

    If this wonderful world doesn't end on that date, can we end all religious thought? I am a betting person, and am open to all those who want a little wager. All in the name of our holy father, of course.

    1. gvvt

      Boy, if they were scientists forecasting this and they were off by even a few minutes, we'd never hear the end of it…

  50. DashboardBuddha

    Ok…have headache now. Let me see if I understand a few of things here. The "seals have been broken"…on the same book we've had for 1000 years. Nothing has changed, a sequel hasn't been written, we haven't gotten a memo from the home office. Where are these broken seals??

    Also, from the billboard: "Save the date". Really? Do we have a choice? Jesus is coming…will you be at the rapture? No…I'm going bowling as a matter of fact. See? It says so right here in my Daytimer. I guess I should have "saved the date".

    And another thing…is it me, or does the bible sound really creepy when read in a robotic voice?

    Finally, wasn't that cartoon video some of the best circular logic you've ever heard?

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      oh yeah, you KNOW the Jesus is comin' for ya, look in yer rear view mirror…or maybe on yer DASHBOARD, HENGH?! :)

  51. KochFembot

    That's my birthday! I hope I get my wish — that Jebus will come pick up all his followers and take them away!

  52. zhubajie

    This is Harold Camping's outfit. He also predicted the end of the world in 1994! Maybe the Ghanaians went along for the free T-shirts.

  53. xsluggo

    The sign should read:
    Save The Date!
    Return of Christie from Disney World Vacation
    May 21, 2010

  54. Sophist FCD

    Yes, obviously. How did people in the pre-Da Vinci Code era ever think the Bible was anything but a sequence of secret codes in need of a cereal-box decoder pen?

    I keep trying to decode my bible, but the only message I ever get is "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine".

  55. Negropolis

    Bugging the fuck out of some random Ghanaians and forcing T-shirts upon these relatively peaceful people should be considered cultural genocide and a war crime.

  56. Negropolis

    "In August, Exley left her home in Colorado Springs, Colorado…"

    So, she's a suicide bomber, amirite? You know, wacky religious visions, onward Christian soldier, and one-way plane tickets and all that.

  57. DerrickWildcat

    Yup, Sarah is sure looking all Presidential and shit.

    "HeyTammyBruce But this hypocrisy is just truly too much. Enuf already–the more someone complains about the homos the more we should look under their bed 22 minutes ago via web Retweeted by SarahPalinUSA >

    Look quick, because I have a feeling it will disappear.

    http://twitter.com/sarahpalinusa

    1. SorosBot

      Shocking, that a woman who raised two girls who use "faggot" as an insult is a homophobe.

      (although you probably meant to say this on the next thread up).

  58. frailamerica

    Why would you need to write it down in a day planner? When it happens, won't you pretty much know it's happening?

  59. gvvt

    You're not paying connecting the dots. That was caused by nerve gas we stole from Iraq. We're shipping it to Afghanistan, and the cargo plain had a computer malfunction; in fact, the same plane had same malfunction on two consecutive days. The second one killed the birds, the first one killed 100,000 fish. I read about it on the internet, and the report mentioned Fox News AND a leaked report prepared by the "Foreign Military Intelligence Directorate (GRU)" for Putin. So it must be true.
    There's also a dead guy involved – former "Special Assistant to the Acting Assistant Secretary of the Air Force for Installations, Logistics and Environment."
    http://www.eutimes.net/2011/01/top-us-official-mu

Comments are closed.