tough choices are for non-congressmen

Ungrateful Americans Want Congress To Tax Rich To Balance Budget

Also, these people used a Monopoly man for their poll question. No fair! That's our tactic!Once again, we are posting the results of a 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll, which sets up a bowl of suet and has Annie Leibovitz take a snapshot of the Americans around it while Andy Rooney complains about how we don’t use suet anymore. So what is the important lesson we have learned this time, besides what percentage of Americans knows what a quadrillion is? (Pay attention, Card Sharks contestants!) Why, it turns out, to balance the federal budget, most Americans say they would increase taxes on the wealthy as the “first step.” Don’t those ingrates know how much they owe the kind wealth-inheritors of this country? Though actually, the poll is flawed, as it makes Americans choose from things that would actually cut the deficit.

Here are the four options: “increase taxes on the wealthy,” “cut defense spending,” “cut Medicare,” and “cut Social Security.” 61% picked taxing, 20% picked the defense spending, and only a combined 7% chose the other two. Obviously, this isn’t fair, because everyone knows the best way to cut the deficit is to only cut things that would have relatively no effect on the deficit, like earmarks. 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair are so out of touch. Nobody is really in favor of actual solutions to our financial problems.

Rich-people tax cuts, defense spending, Medicare, and Social Security are the four pillars of our government and thus cannot be cut, even if that would make a sizable dent in the deficit. Americans are going to have to learn that, one way or another. Their silly Hope Man did. [Vanity Fair]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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130 comments

  1. Gorillionaire

    Man, Boehner is gonna freak when he sees this. This changes everything!*

    *NOTE: this will change nothing.

  2. bigdupa

    What about cutting funding to PBS? Elmo can get off the dole! There are a million more superficial cuts we could make before anything of substance is discussed. I thought after we de-funded ACORN , we would have a balanced budget? Damn you Fox News!

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      If we would just eliminate the $314 billion a year in slavery reparations, the $520 billion the feds spend for abortions, and the $426 billion spent on federal subsidies for gay porn, we'd be sitting pretty. Then, if we kept Obama from spending $150 billion in taxpayer money to fly to Hawaii on vacation (or another trip to Asia at $85 billion a day), we could all have a pony and shit rainbows.

  3. Beowoof

    Well I for one appreciate the wealthy giving me a golden shower and telling me its just economic plenty raining upon my head.

    1. dr_giraud

      FREE golden showers? Dumb libruls. Glenn Beck told me where I can BUY the best golden showers.

      1. Beowoof

        I have always thought Glenn would know where to get the best golden shower amongst other services for the submissive gent.

  4. Buzz Feedback

    But if we increase taxes on the wealthy my rich uncle won't be able to give the Latino kid who parks his car at the country club an extra $5.

      1. Sparky_McGruff

        God, I hope so. If you give them $5 every day, they will soon get uppity and think they deserve to go to the doctor when they're sick.

  5. charlesdegoal

    They left out the most effective measure: CUT TAXES! (Trickle down theory – always works).

    1. Crank_Tango

      there is no evidence anywhere that it DOESN'T work. Unless you count the past ten years, but who's doing that?

      1. Beowoof

        That means you would have to pay attention to history, which of course is just for liberal pussies.

      2. BeWoot

        30 years, Mr., Tango. Don't forget St. Ronald of Reagan. He believed in hosing the working classes too. And just because his Hoser in Chief, David Stockman, has repented and recanted, doesn't mean the trickle theory ever lost traction with the smegwits on the right.

    1. Ducksworthy

      I was once treated to a whole egg carton full of Arikara corn balls. Cornmeal and kidney suet. Mmmmmm. Kidney suet. So sweet.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      They were voting for Republicans, who promised them the opposite of what they want, because that's the way we do it here.

      USA!USA!USA!

    2. twaingirl

      they're making reasonable suggestions, so they are probably liberals and everyone knows we are too drunk to make it to the polls on time.

  6. Troubledog

    What about the trillions the government spends on NPR, NEA, and translating things into Spanish!

  7. sati_demise

    Too bad we already lost the chance to tax the filthy rich for a couple of years in order to get 13 months of unemployment cash for the poors.

    Nobody in DC gives a fuck what the American people actually want anymore.

  8. prommie

    Thats a huge, unwarranted assumption, there, starting from the premise that Amurricans would want to do something rational, scientific, or even reality-based, about the deficit. If such ideas as "water the tree of liberty," "hold a bake-sale," "Nuke Iran," or "Unicorns!" were available choices, they would have gotten just as much approval.

    1. zhubajie

      Quite true. Fantasies about the End of the world, soon, are what they want. Followed by lots of going postal when it doesn't.

      When Born-agins finally lose hope in the Rapture saving them from their own foolishness, they'll blame the Jews, for not building a Third Temple in Jerusalem, re-establishing animal sacrifices, etc.

  9. SorosBot

    Never mind that, the poll also found almost half of Americans don't care if the NFL shuts down next year, which is positively anti-American! And hear I thought that with their newly renewed tax cuts the football players would be content with merely being obscenely overpaid.

    1. V572625694

      Wouldn't it be awesome if there were no NFL for a year? What would those spoiled babies (owners or players; take your pick) do if they couldn't get media attention for 365 days? Dan Snider, for instance, won't someone please consider his needs, FOR ONCE?

      1. SorosBot

        Without the NFL owners, who will hold their cities' hostage with threats to leave unless the taxpayers pay for a shiny new stadium? Besides the MLB, NBA and NHL owners, that is.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    How will Paris Hilton pay for her Valtrex prescriptions and bail for when she gets caught smuggling coke up her hoohoo?

    Isn't that what all US Americans aspire them and/or their kids to be? A useless waste of space?

  11. freakishlywrong

    Holy fuck! Did some dumbass pollster finally figure out how to:
    a). frame a question
    b ).call a cell phone?

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Whoever did this it wasn't Rasmussen, because the folks there can't do either. MInd, they can't even do automated polls, because they contact only rotary-phone owners.

      O/T: We have a connected/working rotary phone in our basement (property of the predecessor home-owner), but it makes real scratchy noises from Interwebz interference. I can't put a filter on it, either, because it's hard wired to the wall. Imagine that.

  12. Ducksworthy

    Cut social security and medicare and confiscate all the hoover rounds to be sold for scrap to the Chinese. That's what they voted for.

    1. jim89048

      Bastards couldn't keep their gummint hands offa mah medicare, it went up $15 a month this year.

  13. DaSandman

    Ah the rich, thank god they don't remember their history. Can any of you 1% tax bracket people remember what happened to the last Czar?

    I have a feeling that this shit is gonna get settled in the streets, just like Jefferson predicted. There's 1% of them, 99% of us. I don't like the odds, don't care how much cash you have…

    1. zhubajie

      Yes, I agree, but I think it'll be a war of all against all. Everyone attacking their favorite scapegoats, who will fight back in revenge. Think about Bosnia, read up on warlord China.

  14. neiltheblaze

    Now that I think of it, we've never actually tried eating the rich here – so we don't really know if that wouldn't work. Wouldn't it be irresponsible not to try?

    1. Toomush_Infer

      I can't stop myself here sorry….I'd rather eat Sara Benincasa…sorry sorry sorry… nevermind me…

    2. zhubajie

      Quite true. Fantasies about the End of the world, soon, are what they want. Followed by lots of going postal when it doesn't.

  15. Spanky2a

    As long as I've got mine, I don't care about anyone else, and if YOU was a good 'Merican, you'd feel the same!

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Sadly, this is also what has become of America's black ministry since the end of the Civil Rights era. T.D. Jakes got his — fuck all the rest of ye!

      Greed: not just for WASP, anymore.

    2. prommie

      We need to change the motto on our coins from that weird old "E Pluribus Unum," to something that reflects our truest, deepest cultural value: "Every man for himself."

      1. Spanky2a

        "We need to change the motto on our coins from that weird old
        "E Pluribus Unum,"
        to something that reflects our truest, deepest cultural value:
        "Every man for himself."

        To reflect the influence of the interwebs, how about:
        "E-penis Onanism!"

  16. iburl

    Another way to cut the deficit: Tell the rich that Annie Leibowitz will do a nude pictorial of the 60 minutes crew in Vanity Fair if they don't pay up.

  17. WriteyWriterton

    They're not getting anywhere near my basement, or my "basement." Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

  18. SheriffRoscoe

    Those string quartets at all those formal White House events, couldn't they be replaced by a jazz trio and save the cost of a whole, entire musician? Why wasn't that solution proposed in the survey I wonder.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Nah, let's just shut down what's left of the NEA….this alone would take care of the deficit somewhere in the 600th Millenium, which could be someone else's problem…

  19. LionelHutzEsq

    So, based upon the American People going Socialist on us, we can conclude that after only two years of Obama, the Terrorist have won.

  20. user-of-owls

    There is, of course, one source of untapped revenue which could help reduce the deficit:

    "Paula's" tip jar.

  21. freakishlywrong

    We are a center right nation, dammit, and that center is being yanked to the right daily; and we oppose tax cuts for millionaires because, we're eckceptional 'Muricans and we'll be millionaires one day too!

    God help us. The truth shall not stand. Look for a new round of shouty, hateful white folks to be ginned up by the Koch Brothers, (not NEARLY as funny as the Cohen Brothers), to "re-frame the message".

  22. x111e7thst

    The answer is clearly to cut the corporate tax rate. Because Ronald Raygun.
    And to de-fund the EPA. Just on gp.

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Yes I've argued with the economic ideas of more than one wingnut (which means they got them from free republic and Rush) and what they want is of course no more inheritance tax because this is a meritocracy and as we all know that means whoever gets yanked out of a rich ladies crotch deserves all the advantages in life. They want to abolish the EPA and FEC (while strangely empowering the FCC to punish those commonists in Hollywood fer expressin' theyselves, we all know only the right to dump toxic waste in a river which serves as a community water supply is a freedom worth fighting for). They also want to abolish the department of education because they're commonist and while they're at it they want tax payers in poor districts to subsidize school vouchers. Also, the top and corporate tax rates should be 0 while defense is NEVER cut, but SS and medicare are privatized (because theys commonist); this is wingnut universe and their universe is freedumb!

    2. Lost_Teabaggers

      Oh and I forgot Affirmative Action and the 1964 Civil Rights and 1965 Voting Rights Act: gone…so is women's suffrage and Roe V. Wade because the only people who can really decide are rich christian white males. Since god's law (Jim Crow) has been restored there's no need to git rid of them Browns anymore since they can't vote or get citizenship or benefits anyways.. Oh and no more freedom of religion, we've got a national church now and we'll be able to stone gays as they see fit. It seems like all this fits into some sort of warped, retarded amalgam of imperial English and imperial Russian rightwing thought…

  23. An_Outhouse

    There wouldn't be a deficit if Michelle Obama would stop buying all that expensive organic green stuff at Whole Foods and stick with the generic chips from Walmart.

  24. DustBowlBlues

    The job-creators haven't exactly created any real jobs (other than more illegal immigrants on their domestic staffs and valet parking attendants) however, the job-creator engine is so big that it took ten years of obscene profits and tax cuts to get it going.

    Any minute now, Tiffany's, luxury car dealers, plastic surgeons and the best day spas are going to go crazy, hiring more help to meet the demand for ultra-luxury goods and services.

    Economy: fixed. Any questions?

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      Dustbowl you're forgetting two FINAL requirments by the job creators before they'll stop being uncertain and start hiring: cancel the minimum wage and pass a law forbidding employers from providing employees with benefits; everyone knows the single most vulnerable class in any recession is the super rich…why private island sales have tapered off very slightly.

      While we're at it if we really want to make those poor, suffering corporations happy we could just pull a Columbia and start assassinating union organizers and workers rights people…the only right a worker has is to be told how much he or she can work and how often they can work and the employer has every right to not pay them for hours they spend working beyond what the employer decides to pay them for…such as overtime and full time workers who's bosses want to pay them as part timers. We have to compete with China here, people! Those .50 an hour wages aren't going to happen by themselves, you know!

  25. mull_man

    Can we postpone the class war until Tony Robbins unlocks my hidden potential and I become a rich person and move to a foreign country, like Hawaii?

  26. BarackMyWorld

    The government should listen to the will of the people unless it tells us something we didn't already want to do, and the deficit matters more than the economy unless we're talking about a tax increase.

    Got it?

    1. Lost_Teabaggers

      The government should only listen to the will of the people when it's a small minority of selfish white people and corporations speaking…there, fixed it.

  27. Steverino247

    Some people, made rich by those who worship Reagan, taste good served with his favorite vegetable: ketchup.

  28. MistaEko

    To be even more unsurprised, Google "Budget Hero" and the family of "Balance the US Budget" Flash games. Then look at the comment threads, which will invariably be:

    Guy A: I won when I taxed the fuckers.
    Guy B: OK my cuts didn't collapse the country until 2043 but this game has a clearly leftist agenda.

  29. hagajim

    The majority of Americans want to tax the rich and the majority of Congress is assfucking the rich for cash….how do you think they'll vote?

    1. zhubajie

      A large share of that majority figures they'll BE the rich someday, and then will want the privileges.

    2. transfatz

      I think the majority will vote the way the rich tell them to. I think congress will go with the lube.

    3. 97pqf

      LOL well they say if you pop in in hard enough it will pop out the other side ..we were referring to cup's and a straw's right

  30. Lost_Teabaggers

    It makes me laugh that teabag Republicans made extending tax cuts for das rich their hill to die on and have pledged to cut $100 billion from the budget…yeah, that'll sure fix that deficit these wingnutted teabaggers have been screaming about.

  31. PublicLuxury

    It is proven.

    'Mericans are dumber than shit on a post. They don't even know the bestest way to wipe them own asses. If you tax the rich they won't make any jobbys for the poors. Then the poors won't be able to pull hisselfs up by hisselfs booties.

  32. hooray4anything

    the problem with all this is the moment Congress starts actually taxing the richies, there'll be all sorts of polls out there saying that the American people don't want to do that and the Democrats will be voted out of office for it. Or the polls will stay consistent but a loud, vocal majorty of fat white people will scream about it and the press will call it a major political movement and pretend that's how the country really is and the end result is the Democrats will be voted out of office

    1. 97pqf

      If the grow a set ,00 and do it …ill vote for them.so will every one that wants this to happen .every one that does..

  33. ttommyunger

    Pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps only works if you can afford boots; but my favorite is the one about a rising tide lifting all boats. These rich motherfuckers are the only ones who can afford boats; the rest of us are doing well to tread water, and if you've ever tread water, you know it doesn't matter how high the tide is, you are doing well just to keep your head above water.

  34. Schmannnity

    Defense, Social Security, or Medicare? How about everyone over 65 joins the armed forces, gets VA healthcare, and gets their social security as Army wages? Three overlapping programs combined, inefficiency eliminated, and Hallandale, Florida evacuated.

  35. Negropolis

    Didn't we JUST give these bastards this VERY option on November 2nd, you know, to return the top bracket earners to Clinton-era tax rates?

    Americans don't know what the fuck they want.

  36. Makemyownchoice

    How about we not get sucked into this class-warfare. I've noticed both sides of the political aisle are stirring up class envy. Perhaps a distraction tactic?

    We should all pay the same percent, say 10 percent of our income, or what ever the number comes out to be. That way we're all paying our fair share, we all shoulder the burden of our government's checkbook.

  37. 97pqf

    Why, it turns out, to balance the federal budget, most Americans say they would increase taxes on the wealthy as the “first step.” Don’t those ingrates know how much they owe the kind wealth-inheritors of this country?
    jack stuef
    Hum you called every one that voted for this an ingrate?.. OK
    Explain one thing to me How much money can 1 wealthy person make "Without using Labor" doing all the work all by them selves? Very little.
    Any one that makes money of any kind, off of some one else Labor and they make more money than the one actually doing the work..is Degradable. a user. its kinda like a Flee on a Dog ..the dog being the Laborer. I believe in Flat TAX also yep flat % rate tax everyone make every one pay 3% on all income "None" exempt. Debt would be gone. less than 1 yr.
    When my boss tried that card on me, I quit him..and started my own business.Doing the same as his, Now he having trouble paying his bills.Because I can do the job, by my self, And I Under cut him on price and 3 more like him ,in my area. put 2 out of business. Now guess who wants to be partner's..50/50 LOL.. Sooner or later others like will wake up and realize who's doing the work and Who's making the money.For the work..If your all ready doing the work, stupid people do it for your self.
    When I was in school 12th grade they all ways ask who's going to get a job after school out. Every one raised there hand except me, and she the teacher came over to me and and ask what I was going to do,
    and I told her I'll start a business and hire 2 or 3 of them "maybe,". And they all put the hands down….LOL

  38. 97pqf

    Your comment must be approved by the site admins before it will appear publicly. haha never seen this before..so much for freedom of the press??
    O by the way I was not the smartest one in the class book sence. But I was the only one with the most common sense by far. choices were, make money for someone else or make money for my self, It has a very easy anwser don't it

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