As Wonkbot (the dean of the military masturbation-joke press corps) first reported, the Navy has opened an investigation into a series of instructional videos made by the former Executive Officer of the USS Enterprise, Captain Owen Honors, after The Virginian-Pilot got its hands on this guy’s clip show of favorite moments. And wow, this guy really is the world’s greatest sketch comedian! Why did he ever decide to be in the military? He could have created the world’s best selling line of “these two Navy ladies are pretending to take a shower together but aren’t really!” DVDs. Sailors on this important Iraq-shooting boat were audience to the best in comedy, from mock masturbation to mock sodomy to mock dick shots to mock donkey sex to mock semen (seamen semen!). Comedy gold after the jump!
We’re not sure you want to sit through this entire thing to see this man’s acting skillz, but here it is anyway. This clip show is apparently hosted by three Owen Honors. One is Owen, one is a cool Owen, and one is another Owen who is lame and TOTALLY GAY! Lolz! There was, apparently, some instructing going on besides forcing inferior officers rub each other shirtless in the shower.
On one film, Honors admits there have been complaints about the films and says: “This evening, all of you bleeding hearts … why don’t just go ahead and hug yourself for the next 20 minutes or so, because there’s a really good chance you’re gonna be offended.”
Whoa! He totally quieted those hecklers. Burn!
This ship was powered by NUCLEAR ENERGY, by the way, the whole time. But there is plenty of time to make sure the ship doesn’t explode in a giant mushroom cloud when the guy in charge isn’t making overly detailed masturbation jokes, right? [Hampton Roads/CNN]
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Still better than an episode of NCIS.
But it can't touch "McHale's Navy."
This guy is a better actor than Marc Harmon too.
The U.S.S. Enterprise is actually powered by sophisticated turbines that harness steamy gay sailor sex. Like every Navy vessel, BTW. Don't let the official government spokesmen try to convince you otherwise*.
*I read it on Wikileaks.
But has been verified to standards that would be acceptable to Pulitzer Prize winning and free speech martyr journalist, Judith Miller?
I, for one, would rejoice in the return of the "Good Old Days" when most citizens tended to have a healthy distrust of the military. A few more "Heroes" like this loser might help us get there.
Doesn't he mean Nukular Wessel?
ok
This guy is VERY funny!!!!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
I offer him my ejaculations.
Winston Churchill observed the foundations of the Royal Navy were rum, sodomy and the lash.
These vidoes need more rum. And the lash.
["The Lash" would make a great Wonkette handle - up there (or, if you prefer, down there) - with "Pacific Rimmer" and "Luggage Lifter."]
all you bleeding holes, just lay there and bite your pillow cuz the admiral is on the bridge!
Giving new meaning to "cabinboy" – as in "Come into my cabin, boy!"
Meanwhile, there is something slightly fay about "The Virginian-Pilot." You betcha!
Homosex, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the aircraft carrier Enterprise. Its 6 month mission: to explore strange new sex, to seek out new strange and new glory holes, to boldly blow what no US American has blown before.
Chekhov and Sulu never were moved by Uhura.
Scotty however did give the Captain all he's got.
I can imagine Kirk taking a walk on the wild-side.
With the anonymous guy in the red shirt who was always on the landing crew.
You mean the one who always dies?
Needs moar volleyball scenes.
This Honors character, he's gay, right?
"This ship was powered by NUCLEAR ENERGY"
I thought the USS Enterprise was powered by matter-antimatter reactions, controlled by dilithium crystals.
Nrrrrrrd!
This is a very cool comment and I understand why you would be compelled to offer it. On the other hand, as pointed out tastefully by fetchingly named Swampgas-Man, it exposes you as a Nrrrrrrd.
I assume you struggled with this paradox all morning, eventually giving in to the fact that, fuck, this is such a cool comment.
These guys are so busy making movies where do they find the time to do the killing?
It's the Navy. They leave killing to Marines.
Yes, the Navy has always been a little… fey.
(Village People, as noted down the thread a bit.)
Everyone knows the navy is gay. Back in the day, they actually tried to change the uniform for the swabbies (I have no idea how to spell that, having never written it) because hippies were fond of wearing navy clothes. Assumingly, the navy brass gave up. Not being one who gives a shit about the military, I haven't followed the progression of uniform styles. *
*My Judith Miller verification-of-truth meter, a little JM spirit that sits on my shoulder and plays the Jiminy Cricket role in my psyche, compels me to confess that I am informed as to one uniform: the frontier cavalry. With the western style hat and gold kerchief, it was HOT. If the old man actually wanted to get lucky (as opposed to just cruising porn on the interwebs) he would join a group of cavalry re-enactors and learn to ride a horse and shoot Indians.
JM is telling me to delete that third condition.
The videos were made by then-Captain Owen Honors (sic), not Admiral John (or Paul) Harvey, or whoever, who ordered the investigation.
Lemme understand — these are the STRAIGHT officers doing teh gai-sex videos, right? What does this leave for the GAY officers to do?
Well, previously, they were hiding in the closet…but what they really want to do is direct!
Don't ask.
Wait… wait… there's homoerotic behavior in the Navy? Next you're going to tell me the YMCA is just a cheap place to stay for a night.
Everyone in our military is a Macho Man, and none of them are gay!
Wow, this gives a whole new meaning to "giving Private Santiago a Code Red…."
Wow – that was the most non-hilarious video clip I've seen this year so far.
Wow, first we gotta relive the Clarence Thomas hearings, now the Tailhook scandal.
Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it (in summer school), indeed!
This is actually a refreshing change. Usually, these things are accompanied by the standard "I'm sorry if anyone was offended" non-apology. This guy just pees on our shoes and says "Haw Haw fukk you faggot!" It's like he learned etiquette from playing Xbox Live.
2011: The Year of Unapologetic Assholery!
And those embassy guards drinking shots out of each others butt cracks, they were straight too. Right? Sure.
You know – I'm as gay as the next faggot, and I've never done that. Further, I don't know any other gay person who has ever done that. I think this is a Penthouse inspired, hetero re-enactment of something they think faggots do all the time. Them macho straightz have the quaintest notions.
Riker always did strike me as a bear.
Yvan eht nioj.
Now when you hear Chief Engineer Scott say, "She canna take nae more o'this, Cap'n!" it has a whole new meaning.
That's what she said?
She ganna bleew!
When this story was posted on Breitbart earlier today, mine was the only Star Trek related comment. I was accused of being a Trekkie Troll.
Headline of the day:
"500 Seamen Stranded on Ice-Bound Russian Ships"
I wish I could think of a funny comment about THAT.
FYI… there is a super weird cameo by Glenn Close at the end.
Thanks for seeing that, too. I thought I got rickrolled or something. Phew!
I had no idea Benny Hill was on the faculty at Annapolis.
Mock semen
How do we know the man is sterile?
Note to homophobes: when you make a video about the gayz, it makes you look, well, gay.
Homophobes collectively respond: "And your point is . . .?"
Investigation? The most pressing need here is a full-scale probe into who stole the comedy laffs from this video!
Haha, I said "probe."
James T. Kirk would never have let this shit go on if he was still the captain of the Enterprise.
Steuf Fail. This is not the guy you say it is.
Erm, yeah. Harvey, the four-star head of the Navy's Fleet Forces Command, is probably jealous of Owen Honors's acting chops and launched the investigation. It's Good Morning Vietnam all over again.
Goddamit. I would never have guessed that Judith Miller, truth 'bot of journalism, would follow the wonket, let alone choose a screen name like largefooted. I took her for being more of a "Pulitzer Prize Winning Journalist" screen name with a beautiful gal avatar. Or that one of the blonde looking over her reading glasses. What ever happened to that wonkeratti, anyway?
Someone needs to tell Captain Owens Hornblower that he could have saved himself the trouble and just showed Operation Petticoat.
Cool split-screen technology! But I've seen this one already: regular Honors, cool Honors, and gay Honors decide to team up to harness the collective powers of their feigned sex acts in order to get their parents to marry one another. Heartwarming and very, very erotic.
The needs of the many do indeed outweigh the needs of the few.
To all you uber-macho straight men out there. When you guys try to mix jokes with sodomy, just, don't. You're doin' BOTH RONG.
They were going for anal, and wound up with banal.
I think he deserves a gold star and his sailors a purple heart for participating, but still, its all a bit twee compared to this naval sketch… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DlN4Sh06po
Relax, the Navy's been doing shit like this for YEARS. They need to educate and inform the crew about safety, standards of conduct and all sorts of boring stuff, so they put videos or interviews on the ship-wide TV system. Most of the crew blows them off and goes about their business. They never put the whole crew of a CVN in one place and lecture them because somebody's got to steer the ship, watch the reactor, cook the meals, etc. They play it over the system and their mandatory training asses are covered for another quarter. The only reason this is "news" is because somebody ran to the press with a copy of it to get even with the (former) Captain. (This is also typical bitchy Navy behavior, by the way.)
Meh. Needs more vodka-shots-in-the-crack footage. Also, that is one tired looking stuffed parrot.
its not dead, its pining for the field.
Well played.
Hey guys, I think there's a gauge over there that needs checking. Oh, and mess crew, that pot of chili ain't gonna stir itself.
Capt. Honors is just bucking for a promotion to Rear Admiral.
Silly me. I read another word for "bucking."
I'm sorry, I didn't read "bucking" the first time.
This whole video is like those awful SNL skits where one psuedo famous athlete after another steps into a skit and says one choked line each and a few people laugh because "hey there's that guy and he sucks as an actor".
Methinks the cocksmoker doth protest too much…
Support Our Fruits.
What's the Diva Of Faux Outrage got to say about this? Probably not much; I mean, it's not like they used the word 'retard' in their video of non-stop lulz.
Well, she's not likely to take much offense since she doesn't know any "fucking faggots" personally. Which just so happens to perfectly explain both her tragic hairdo and her white trash couture wardrobe.
Ironic that the diva wanna be's who need us the most, are the least likely to realize it. Happy New Year, Elvis.
I think she said it best in the last episode of Sarah Palin See's Alaska For the First Time:
"These environmentalists, these delicate little Hollywood starlets, these long faced Senators and folks with their lunch on their ties playing on their blackberries, these limp, pathetic pajama clad sambo bitches cackle of rads write to me and complain with their pretty little pencils on pretty little stationary, rearing their heads, and where do you think these come from? Trees!"
You know, that's my old ship, and I was proud to serve aboard her, but we had a d-bag XO that became the CO then, too. Replaced one of the greatest COs ever. There appears to be a recurring theme, here.
And side note: women on the 'prise! Wow, how many times did we wish that were possible…of course, we weren't thinking of ABs or AXs…
It's the Navy, the entire fleet runs off of overly detailed masturbation jokes.
Countdown to "liberals are hypocrites" comments on the Virginian-Pilot website in 4…3…2…1… It looks like the rotting corpse of Chester A. Arthur has risen from the grave to tell us that Barney Frank has Gay Sex Parties.
Submitted by chester arthur on Mon, 01/03/2011 at 10:01 am.
Well,it had to come to this.A paper that regularly diminishes or ignores the foibles of liberal political candidates and always promotes that agenda finds time to attack the military over mere shipboard videos.Read a Jim Webb book and tell us which is more purient in content.Film a party at Barney Franks house and show that,if you could.Air the funny business at the office file that floats out there about Mark Warner.I guess not.It's gotten to the point that using the Pilot as bird cage liner is degrading to the droppings that might touch it.I don't know if the journalistic dilettantes who write for the Pilot realize this,but when real people are engaged in real warfare,sometimes they use less than careful,politically correct humor.
Next up on XO's Movie Night watch how the lower reaches of the Enterprise are transformed and we present Amistad.
Aaaaaaaaaaarg! There is a SPACE after punctuation, Chester.
Where's the film on one of Congressman Eric Massa's famous staff tickle fights?
Needs moar snorkeling.
Kind of fitting to see the syphillis ad next to a Navy story.
Let me guess- he's a "Christian."
It is obvious that the men/seamen/semen in this video are the victims of a radiation leak the size of the Chernobyl incident. It has caused excessive brain damage and birf defections.
Will this cause them to grow to enormous size?
Ah – your tax dollarz at wurk. Is this what the Navies do when they aren't painting Mission Accomplished banners? I imagine this guy probably feels like he's been hoisted on his own canard.
Haha canard and petard both rhyme with retard.
Bad episode of gurlz gone (not so) wild.
I never want to join the Navy now.
Ah, poor Owen. Such a promising lad. But he gave it all up for his art.
Apparently no one under 50 has ever read Shakespeare: "Methinks she doth protest too much!"
Yes, this is EXACTLy the type of morons we want to see commanding multi-million-dollar nuclear warships! Great job, Navy! Let's assign some more idiots to command these ships!
This nimrod should be fired, effective immediately. What an idiot.
This guy's got "gay" written all over him, and Owen Honors sound like some kind of porn name.
ok. honestly, don't see the big deal. but i am a little tipsy and have always found the military to be, while honorable, a bunch fratty. going to go read some articles on the interwebs about the OUTRAGE to clue me in.
…aaaaand according to CNN he's being relieved of his command.
Some people have the sense of humor, and thick enough skin, to laugh at situations like this. I don't think any harm was intended. He did provide a disclaimer, if your offended, do not watch. Left the choice up to the individual.
Hmmm. Not really that offensive nor very funny. Just lame. Although it is kinda flattering to know how terrrrrribly curious straight men are about my sex life. Hopefully, now that we can tell without being asked, all their questions will be answered….
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