Michelle Obama Is Pregnant (According To Twitter)

  flotus files

That's MRS. Flotus to you ...Between conquering Spain, vanquishing obesity and dancing around India, our beloved FLOTUS had some good times in 2010. What will 2011 bring for our First Lady, we wonder? A workout DVD, co-starring Bo the Fitness Dog? Girl Scouts, led by Jamie Lee Curtis, going door to door to sell easy-to-digest yogurt? More likely, we can expect the same brand of stupidity that last year had to offer, like “Cool Mom” Sarah Palin helping kids stay fat, for Freedom, and Michelle Obama getting pregnant, by Twitter.

On Sunday, while a few Americans were at the gym, reading the Bible or “being more patient,” so they could cross these things off their January to-do lists and go back to being slobs, most True Patriots were already back in business, wandering the Internets for stimulation. Luckily for these web-savvy Americans, between stories about the “All Donut Diet” and “Panda Cow,” the World’s Only Reliable News Source broke the exciting news that Michelle Obama is expecting a baby. And, like any news story, it was confirmed by the great minds of Twitter.

At first, reactions ranged from curiosity to elation. Then, the confusion came.

The announcement from the collective Fake Robert Gibbs was obviously believable, so perhaps the red flags were drawn following the apparent death of that Jared person, from Subway, who is very much alive. Thankfully, one Twitter user explained that reliable sources are unnecessary when a search engine can easily confirm or deny the validity of any piece of information:

By day’s end, Twitter was overcome with sadness and rage, as someone realized, despite the well-sourced Twitter evidence to the contrary, that Michelle Obama is not pregnant, to anyone’s real, correct knowledge. However, according to some Internet mom and a psychic named Nikki, Michelle Obama will probably have a baby at some point this year, to lighten the national mood, or something. It worked for Bristol and those girls on MTV! [Twitter]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

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Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke

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67 comments

  1. SorosBot

    Michelle Obama is nearly 47; which would make pregnancy still possible, but very, very unlikely.

    1. problemwithcaring

      You just know, in the alternate universe where this would be possible, she would be vilified by teabaggers and PUMAs as a depressed lunatic who conspired with an illegitimate President to fake a pregnancy as means to drum up sympathy for her husband's reelection.

      1. Redhead

        And not a single one of them would even think about Sarah's age during her last pregnancy while saying all that.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      Elizabeth Edwards had a child at 51. Granted, with extensive hormone therapy, for the good of her husband's political prospects — needed to replace the dead son, to make the campaign lit look glossier — but, still…

      1. valgal2342

        "needed to replace dead son" Dude, that's just ugly and unkind. I lost my brother in a crash when I was 14 and he was 28. if you would have said that about my mother I would crush you like an insect. Funny is funny but that ain't funny. Obviously you have no idea what it is like to lose a child.

      2. deanbooth

        My mother used to keep jars of her miscarried fetuses under my bed, so, please, no jokes about beds, either!

    3. MarionNYNY

      Highly unlikely without a donor egg and hrt which may or may not have conributed to Elizabeth Edwards cancer. Still, we're talking about Michelle — who after all can do anything.

      1. Jukesgrrl

        But can she give birth and then regain her chastity the way the Palin women can? Ha! I didn't think so.

  2. Ducksworthy

    Satchidananda Dukes? This guy is a hybrid created by mating a Hindu with a Dukes of Hazard fan.

  3. mrblifil

    Not possible, as smoking is the number one cause of impotence. As opposed to letting down liberals everywhere, which seems to promote stiffies across the political spectrum.

    1. CalamityJames

      I got a couple of coat hanger kids that would like to debate your "smokey-no-swimmy" theory. Just sayin.

    1. GOPCrusher

      That's where I first learned the news of the pregnancy, in my Weekly World News e-mail this AM.

  4. Mahousu

    Google is now suggesting "Michelle Obama pregnant" as its top choice. So that pretty much confirms it.

    Its second choice was "Michelle Obama in India," which seemed a little odd to me, but it went on to explain "Michelle Obama Bollywood." Hopefully she'll have her movie done before the pregnancy's gotten too far; those dance numbers are unforgiving.

    1. James Michael Curley

      What's so unforgiving about Bollywood choreography. The entire rep consists of grandly waiving the arms in the air and stepping to the side while still going forward.

      1. Mahousu

        Yes, but with bare midriff. Tough if you're not ready to pull off a Demi Moore.

        Plus, she has to sing at about three octaves above her normal range, which is hard enough without something pushing back on the diaphragm. Though I suppose a well-aimed fetal kick might help.

  5. horsedreamer_1

    The father? You guessed it… Tony Rezko.

    (You thought I was going to say Frank Stallone, huh?)

  6. elviouslyqueer

    Dear writeli:
    There can only be ONE Top Bitch of Honor, and that's me me me me ME. So you better step off, if you know what's good for you.
    No love,
    Sarah Palin

    PS: T, also.

  7. neiltheblaze

    I hope for Michelle's sake it's not true – because everyone is going to make so much fun of her nutrition campaign when she gets a hankering for ice cream and dill pickle smores.

        1. Extemporanus

          Thank you for not holding the artistic British misspelling license I took with the "First Embryo of the United States" acronym against me.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      A very precocious Junior Lacrosse Player from the Sidwell team is the baby-father, huh?

      Just a coupla seventh graders being curious.

  8. iburl

    If the first lady can't get pregnant, maybe she can use one of the Bush family's special preserves?

  9. SheriffRoscoe

    The Obamas had unprotected sex in the Lincoln Bedroom. How much more of this disrespect do you want to take, America?

  10. fuflans

    yesterday i too would have been a "True Patriot back in business, wandering the Internets for stimulation" only there is no wonkette on sunday.

    instead (and oddly coincidentally) we watched two movies with pete postlethwaite.

  11. Sophist FCD

    So, will she be gestating the fetus in the traditional uterine manner, or in one of her glorious biceps? ENQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!

  12. PublicLuxury

    Does Steve King know about this? Does Barry know about this? Does Michelle know about this? The people that need to know are listed in ranking order!!

  13. Barbara_i

    Oh Lordy, just wait until Sarah and her daughters, aka "the bun in the oven coven" find out about this. They can't stand for anyone to steal their thunder.

  14. Redhead

    The Weekly World News broke the story?

    Does that mean Michelle got pregnant after a threesome with not-really-dead-zombie-Elvis and a weird, pointy-head martian? So they'll be an actual alien in the white house, not just an African voodoo "alien"?

  15. GodShammgod

    Now all they have to do is make a fake birth announcement in the DC papers, so the baby can safely be born in Kenya.

  16. Negropolis

    Oddly enough, I've always thought it was at least probable that we may actually hear this sometime during the presidency.

  17. nonbeliever7

    Obviously, they need a male child to become president, seek revenge against those who hurt Daddy, then write an idiotic book about it.

    1. HistoriCat

      (I'm sorry but I have to go there …)

      Or to found a doomed magazine and then die in plane crash?

  18. mumbly_joe

    Meh, according to Twitter, though, Macaulay Culkin is somehow relevant for some reason right now.

  19. assistantatlas

    I'm just glad, for the first time in my life, that I'm proud to imagine my President and his hot, hot wife having sex. And proud that I might actually want to watch, for America.

    1. Negropolis

      Yes, for America; keep telling yourself that. You want to watch it for your lonesome, and I don't blame you.

  20. benjo765

    The arteries of twitter pump through many strange places and dimensions, many which we could barely even imagine. Who are we to second-guess it?

    I wish this Obama-baby well, and just hope it doesn't cry at public events or something (less it offend Glenn Becks sensibilities).

Comments are closed.