FLOTUS FILES  3:00 pm January 3, 2011

Michelle Obama Is Pregnant (According To Twitter)

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you ...Between conquering Spain, vanquishing obesity and dancing around India, our beloved FLOTUS had some good times in 2010. What will 2011 bring for our First Lady, we wonder? A workout DVD, co-starring Bo the Fitness Dog? Girl Scouts, led by Jamie Lee Curtis, going door to door to sell easy-to-digest yogurt? More likely, we can expect the same brand of stupidity that last year had to offer, like “Cool Mom” Sarah Palin helping kids stay fat, for Freedom, and Michelle Obama getting pregnant, by Twitter.

On Sunday, while a few Americans were at the gym, reading the Bible or “being more patient,” so they could cross these things off their January to-do lists and go back to being slobs, most True Patriots were already back in business, wandering the Internets for stimulation. Luckily for these web-savvy Americans, between stories about the “All Donut Diet” and “Panda Cow,” the World’s Only Reliable News Source broke the exciting news that Michelle Obama is expecting a baby. And, like any news story, it was confirmed by the great minds of Twitter.

At first, reactions ranged from curiosity to elation. Then, the confusion came.

The announcement from the collective Fake Robert Gibbs was obviously believable, so perhaps the red flags were drawn following the apparent death of that Jared person, from Subway, who is very much alive. Thankfully, one Twitter user explained that reliable sources are unnecessary when a search engine can easily confirm or deny the validity of any piece of information:

By day’s end, Twitter was overcome with sadness and rage, as someone realized, despite the well-sourced Twitter evidence to the contrary, that Michelle Obama is not pregnant, to anyone’s real, correct knowledge. However, according to some Internet mom and a psychic named Nikki, Michelle Obama will probably have a baby at some point this year, to lighten the national mood, or something. It worked for Bristol and those girls on MTV! [Twitter]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.


Hola wonkerados.

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Kidneys4Sale January 3, 2011 at 3:06 pm


horsedreamer_1 January 3, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Abort! Abort!

Monsieur_Grumpe January 3, 2011 at 3:06 pm

All right Hopey! Just don't forget the birth certificate this time.

chascates January 3, 2011 at 3:07 pm

What, Twitter isn't always right?!?!?!

ManchuCandidate January 3, 2011 at 3:08 pm

Wow, Barry's got some… assuming it's not a joke.

Buzz Feedback January 3, 2011 at 3:09 pm

I'll look for the birth announcement in the Mombasa Times.

SorosBot January 3, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Michelle Obama is nearly 47; which would make pregnancy still possible, but very, very unlikely.

problemwithcaring January 3, 2011 at 3:18 pm

You just know, in the alternate universe where this would be possible, she would be vilified by teabaggers and PUMAs as a depressed lunatic who conspired with an illegitimate President to fake a pregnancy as means to drum up sympathy for her husband's reelection.

Redhead January 3, 2011 at 7:53 pm

And not a single one of them would even think about Sarah's age during her last pregnancy while saying all that.

horsedreamer_1 January 3, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Elizabeth Edwards had a child at 51. Granted, with extensive hormone therapy, for the good of her husband's political prospects — needed to replace the dead son, to make the campaign lit look glossier — but, still…

valgal2342 January 3, 2011 at 4:07 pm

"needed to replace dead son" Dude, that's just ugly and unkind. I lost my brother in a crash when I was 14 and he was 28. if you would have said that about my mother I would crush you like an insect. Funny is funny but that ain't funny. Obviously you have no idea what it is like to lose a child.

deanbooth January 3, 2011 at 5:32 pm

My mother used to keep jars of her miscarried fetuses under my bed, so, please, no jokes about beds, either!

MarionNYNY January 3, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Highly unlikely without a donor egg and hrt which may or may not have conributed to Elizabeth Edwards cancer. Still, we're talking about Michelle — who after all can do anything.

Jukesgrrl January 3, 2011 at 4:56 pm

But can she give birth and then regain her chastity the way the Palin women can? Ha! I didn't think so.

axmxz January 3, 2011 at 10:55 pm

Cherie Blair and Elizabeth Edwards managed it just fine.

Ducksworthy January 3, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Satchidananda Dukes? This guy is a hybrid created by mating a Hindu with a Dukes of Hazard fan.

metamarcisf January 3, 2011 at 3:11 pm

What great campaign strategy. Just in time for primary season.

mrblifil January 3, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Not possible, as smoking is the number one cause of impotence. As opposed to letting down liberals everywhere, which seems to promote stiffies across the political spectrum.

nicnack74 January 3, 2011 at 3:28 pm

HOWEVER; Mr. Obama has given up da smokes. Raging boners for everyone!

Chet Kincaid January 3, 2011 at 7:40 pm


CalamityJames January 3, 2011 at 9:21 pm

I got a couple of coat hanger kids that would like to debate your "smokey-no-swimmy" theory. Just sayin.

SayItWithWookies January 3, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Well if Judith Miller reported it, it has to be true. Oh wait — she works for Newsmax now, not WWN.

GOPCrusher January 3, 2011 at 4:40 pm

That's where I first learned the news of the pregnancy, in my Weekly World News e-mail this AM.

Mahousu January 3, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Google is now suggesting "Michelle Obama pregnant" as its top choice. So that pretty much confirms it.

Its second choice was "Michelle Obama in India," which seemed a little odd to me, but it went on to explain "Michelle Obama Bollywood." Hopefully she'll have her movie done before the pregnancy's gotten too far; those dance numbers are unforgiving.

James Michael Curley January 3, 2011 at 3:21 pm

What's so unforgiving about Bollywood choreography. The entire rep consists of grandly waiving the arms in the air and stepping to the side while still going forward.

Mahousu January 3, 2011 at 3:55 pm

Yes, but with bare midriff. Tough if you're not ready to pull off a Demi Moore.

Plus, she has to sing at about three octaves above her normal range, which is hard enough without something pushing back on the diaphragm. Though I suppose a well-aimed fetal kick might help.

freakishlywrong January 3, 2011 at 3:18 pm

I haz a confused Wonkett. Did Palin's twitter T knock up FLOTUS? Wait, what??

horsedreamer_1 January 3, 2011 at 3:21 pm

The father? You guessed it… Tony Rezko.

(You thought I was going to say Frank Stallone, huh?)

SexySmurf January 3, 2011 at 3:41 pm

I thought you were going to say Bill Ayers.

elviouslyqueer January 3, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Dear writeli:
There can only be ONE Top Bitch of Honor, and that's me me me me ME. So you better step off, if you know what's good for you.
No love,
Sarah Palin

PS: T, also.

neiltheblaze January 3, 2011 at 3:28 pm

I hope for Michelle's sake it's not true – because everyone is going to make so much fun of her nutrition campaign when she gets a hankering for ice cream and dill pickle smores.

Extemporanus January 3, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Tweet us, FEOTUS!

user-of-owls January 3, 2011 at 6:05 pm

Your insensitivity is jarring.

BeWoot January 3, 2011 at 6:51 pm

And damned funny. (I love a good rhyme and no sacrifice of decorum is too great.)

Extemporanus January 3, 2011 at 9:18 pm

Thank you for not holding the artistic British misspelling license I took with the "First Embryo of the United States" acronym against me.

Extemporanus January 3, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Are you suggesting that I can it?

user-of-owls January 3, 2011 at 10:18 pm

Don't be such a briny baby!

jim89048 January 3, 2011 at 3:35 pm

It's actually Malia's babby. Take a hint from the Alaskunt, will ya?

horsedreamer_1 January 3, 2011 at 4:22 pm

A very precocious Junior Lacrosse Player from the Sidwell team is the baby-father, huh?

Just a coupla seventh graders being curious.

mavenmaven January 3, 2011 at 3:50 pm

White House Anchor Babies!

ifthethunderdontgetya January 3, 2011 at 3:56 pm

White House Anchor Twitter Babies!

(WHATB, you see)

iburl January 3, 2011 at 3:52 pm

If the first lady can't get pregnant, maybe she can use one of the Bush family's special preserves?

SheriffRoscoe January 3, 2011 at 3:56 pm

The Obamas had unprotected sex in the Lincoln Bedroom. How much more of this disrespect do you want to take, America?

fuflans January 3, 2011 at 3:59 pm

yesterday i too would have been a "True Patriot back in business, wandering the Internets for stimulation" only there is no wonkette on sunday.

instead (and oddly coincidentally) we watched two movies with pete postlethwaite.

jus_wonderin January 3, 2011 at 4:33 pm

Next week could you watch two Tom Cruise movies???

user-of-owls January 3, 2011 at 6:06 pm

And Fahrenheit 911 too???

PresBeeblebrox January 3, 2011 at 4:51 pm

how is babby formed
how flotus get pragnent

Vinnie Saltine January 3, 2011 at 5:02 pm

Isn't Twitter the name of one of Sarah Palin's kids?

JustPixelz January 3, 2011 at 5:21 pm

Another scoop for the twit stream media. Now it's on to DWTS for MO.

ttommyunger January 3, 2011 at 5:27 pm

Preggers or not, Michelle needs fucking three ways: long, hard and continuously.

MozakiBlocks January 3, 2011 at 5:55 pm

Line forms to the right buddy!

ttommyunger January 3, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Gladly wait in line for that!

Sophist FCD January 3, 2011 at 6:26 pm

So, will she be gestating the fetus in the traditional uterine manner, or in one of her glorious biceps? ENQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW!

PublicLuxury January 3, 2011 at 7:11 pm

Isn't there an IPhone app that automatically updates Michelle's pregnancy status?

PublicLuxury January 3, 2011 at 7:13 pm

Does Steve King know about this? Does Barry know about this? Does Michelle know about this? The people that need to know are listed in ranking order!!

Barbara_i January 3, 2011 at 7:29 pm

Oh Lordy, just wait until Sarah and her daughters, aka "the bun in the oven coven" find out about this. They can't stand for anyone to steal their thunder.

Redhead January 3, 2011 at 7:51 pm

The Weekly World News broke the story?

Does that mean Michelle got pregnant after a threesome with not-really-dead-zombie-Elvis and a weird, pointy-head martian? So they'll be an actual alien in the white house, not just an African voodoo "alien"?

GodShammgod January 3, 2011 at 7:51 pm

Now all they have to do is make a fake birth announcement in the DC papers, so the baby can safely be born in Kenya.

Pragmatist2 January 3, 2011 at 10:32 pm

I never had sexual relations with that woman…not ever.

axmxz January 3, 2011 at 10:59 pm

Between that baby and the Royal wedding, the best investment of 2011 is shaping up to be tabloids.

Negropolis January 4, 2011 at 1:00 am

Oddly enough, I've always thought it was at least probable that we may actually hear this sometime during the presidency.

nonbeliever7 January 4, 2011 at 8:41 am

Obviously, they need a male child to become president, seek revenge against those who hurt Daddy, then write an idiotic book about it.

HistoriCat January 4, 2011 at 4:46 pm

(I'm sorry but I have to go there …)

Or to found a doomed magazine and then die in plane crash?

mumbly_joe January 4, 2011 at 8:41 am

Meh, according to Twitter, though, Macaulay Culkin is somehow relevant for some reason right now.

assistantatlas January 4, 2011 at 3:32 pm

I'm just glad, for the first time in my life, that I'm proud to imagine my President and his hot, hot wife having sex. And proud that I might actually want to watch, for America.

Negropolis January 5, 2011 at 12:33 am

Yes, for America; keep telling yourself that. You want to watch it for your lonesome, and I don't blame you.

benjo765 January 5, 2011 at 4:56 am

The arteries of twitter pump through many strange places and dimensions, many which we could barely even imagine. Who are we to second-guess it?

I wish this Obama-baby well, and just hope it doesn't cry at public events or something (less it offend Glenn Becks sensibilities).

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