A NATION CHALLENGED  6:03 pm December 31, 2010

A Year of Funny Fotos: 2010 In Dumb Pictures

by Ken Layne

Heil Ohio!Wait a minute, 2010 is over already? And here we are still writing “Fuck the Pope” on our checks! Well, whatever, everything must end — even horrible things like “the year 2010.” And who are the handsome Teutonic Princes in this particular photograph? Just some Midwest Nazis kickin’ it old-skool. The one circled is GOP rising star/”young gun” Rich Iott, who was all set to become the new teabagger congressman from Ohio, but then he somehow lost because THE JEWS were upset just because he likes to dress up in Nazi SS uniforms and pretend to be a Nazi all the time. Jeez everybody’s got to be so “politically correct” these days, you can hardly even get away with emailing everybody pictures of the White House surrounded by a watermelon farm. What a wacky year!

'I believe in Miracles, where ya from, you Sexy Thing?!'TeeVee’s Glenn Beck held a picnic for old white people, and the Guinness Book of World Records later announced it was the world’s largest gathering of “personal mobility devices.”

Alert the Central California/Oklahoma sheriff's departments.TeeVee’s Jon Stewart held another Glenn Beck rally, which was mostly attended by Internet Memes such as Pedobear.

The third book has got to be Sarah Palin's.George W. Bush and his frat brother Tucker Max shared top spots on the “books by assholes” list.

'See me drivin' down the street, I'm bored with looking good ....'Former sexy lady Michele Bachmann got a very teabaggy makeover!

Pedobear probably included.Which van would you rather have parked in your local airport’s long-term garage, this guy’s or Pedobear’s?

Even if you've seen a lot of 'shops in your time, this has not been 'shopped.We suggested that Sarah Palin maybe got a boob job, because a Wonkette reader asked us, “Hey, doesn’t it kinda look like Sarah Palin got a boob job?” And that’s all it took for the Entire Mainstream Political Media to run with the “Sarah Palin got breast implants” story, based on our comedy blog post. America sure isn’t getting any smarter.

Goat's Head Soup.Representatives Anthony Weiner (D-Brooklyn) and Jason Chaffetz (R-Utah) got blown by a coupla goats.

Uhhh ....Uhh ….

And what are they wrong about? Haircuts!Even with the burden of complete illiteracy and ignorance, there were (misspelled) signs of something resembling compassion.

Maine is a Movmenteable Feast.The teabagger “movment” taught us more about Americans than we really cared to know.

rite-inn vot3.Despite having a name so complicated that her own campaign staff couldn’t spell it, Lisa Murkowski beat Sleazy Joe Miller with her goofy write-in campaign. (It’s true, she finally won! Of course Joe Miller will never concede, because he’s the second-biggest asshole in Alaska.)

You got that straight!Speaking of assholes, America produced a bumper crop in 2010.

A bumper crop of bumper stickers, too. (It’s awesome that he *paid lots of money* for this personalized anti-Obama plate. All proceeds go to the ACLU or gay rights or whatever.)

Experience has made me rich, And now they're after me, 'cause everybody's living in a Material World, and I am a Material Girl.Who can forget the day Dustin Hoffman put on his Tootsie drag one last time, to help his old friend Michele Bachmann?

'I'm afraid of Americans.'This photograph wraps up not only 2010 but the entire last thirty years of America. It will be on this country’s tombstone, assuming the Chinese allow us a tombstone.

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 397 comments }

nounverb911 December 31, 2010 at 6:09 pm

"Rich Iott, who was all set to become the new teabagger congressman from Ohio, but then he somehow lost because THE JEWS were upset just because he likes to dress up in Nazi SS uniforms and pretend to be a Nazi all the time"

I'm sure the Pope didn't mind.

Neilist December 31, 2010 at 7:41 pm

Much as I love guns . . . and much as I love German/Austrian guns . . . I can say, categorically, that Rich Iott is an fucking ASSH . . . .

:::Whoops:::

. . . .fucking Git.

Although possibly not as great a Git as that homo in the RAF uniform.

(Those little Faerie Dove Wings are a dead giveaway.)

StrumWaffleWaffenTrooper Neilist von Neilist
Castro Street S.S. Leather Division
Rearguard Unit

Negropolis January 1, 2011 at 2:33 am

What are you, some kind of Jew, or something?

Neilist January 1, 2011 at 2:43 am

Why, yes, "Negro," you guessed!

I'm a one-eyed, tap-dancing Jew-"boy" who loves Nordic looking blondes and was the Ratpack's designated Amos 'n Andy clown.

Call me Sammy Davis Neilist, Jr.

"The Candyman can . . ."

[Give it up, buddy. You're wayyyyyyy out of your league.]

738838 January 1, 2011 at 8:22 am

Go Neilist. Win post of the old year.

Negropolis January 1, 2011 at 9:47 pm

That's great. At least you're not one of those self-hating ones; those are the worst.

Beanball December 31, 2010 at 6:10 pm

WHAT IS THAT MUSIC??? My ears are bleeding!!.!.!!

Stop it, pleasesss, make it stop…

aarrGGHHH

Ken Layne December 31, 2010 at 6:21 pm
kenlayisalive December 31, 2010 at 6:56 pm

that poor opossum.

jim89048 December 31, 2010 at 7:01 pm

As bad as it was, was nothing compared to opening them both at once. The utter discordance made my ears bleed.

Gunner Asch January 1, 2011 at 9:13 pm

I didn't know that Cohen song. Thanks Ken. Here's a more upbeat song by the great Mama Busi, who died this year at 62: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUaNBIE1H0I

JumpySnark January 4, 2011 at 11:45 am

Wow, thank you SO MUCH for this link! You made my day :) I'm buying this album on iTunes right now…

MissTaken December 31, 2010 at 7:42 pm

Oh thank god, I thought I was imagining it thanks to all the absinthe this NYE afternoon.

angryclownspawn December 31, 2010 at 6:10 pm

I can't believe its over. I need a tissue. I'm feeling all weepy now, but maybe that is just cause I am thinking its gonna get so much worse in 2011. I mean, it's not like Americans will suddenly learn to spell, is it?

slappypaddy December 31, 2010 at 7:31 pm

spel wutt? yoo librul leetyis!!!!!1!!!11

Schmannnity December 31, 2010 at 6:13 pm

2012 Presidential season begins in less than 6 hours. Bring on the teabagging Nazi race baitin'

Spanky2a December 31, 2010 at 6:14 pm

It's all cuz of unions.

And taxes.

slappypaddy December 31, 2010 at 7:35 pm

not to mention police protection, emergency medical services, paved roads, clean running water, garbage pick-up, unplugged sewers, and all the other unmentionable wasteful gewgaws of the socialist fascist nanny state. such as medicare. and social security.

how could we have let ourselves sink so low as a people, when we could have been free and dead?

Spanky2a December 31, 2010 at 8:13 pm

And federally-funded medical research too! Home skooling foraver!

UW8316154 January 1, 2011 at 11:45 pm

I believe the correct spelling is "home-scholing"

lulzmonger December 31, 2010 at 11:37 pm

GARBAGE = PATRIOTISM!
GET YER BIG GOVMINT OUTTA MY LANDFILL!

rileywaggs December 31, 2010 at 6:19 pm

Worst year ever.

Here's to another!

vulpes82 December 31, 2010 at 7:43 pm

I hope some nice man and/or woman fingerbangs and then tongue-punches your fartbox for New Year's, Riley!

rileywaggs January 1, 2011 at 11:36 am

There was zero tongue-punching last night. And not a single fingerbang. Woe is me.

vulpes82 January 1, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Poor Riley!

WriteyWriterton January 1, 2011 at 1:04 am

RW: were you not alive in 2000? When I heard Pennsylvania turn, I knew we were f*^$ed. Completely, permanently, and irreversibly. And guess what? We. Were.

horsedreamer_1 January 1, 2011 at 8:48 pm

When Gore conceded Florida on Election Nite, must have been midnite local time, I wept. Hysterically. My mother thought I was losing my mind (mental illness, for real). How little we know my tears were justified.

V572625694 January 1, 2011 at 11:37 am

Just you wait, young fella.

samsuncle December 31, 2010 at 6:23 pm

Ken, thanks for the mammaries!

x111e7thst December 31, 2010 at 6:24 pm

The entire decade was a suck-fest, and not in a good way.
2010 was a fitting capstone.
May the next ten be better.

rocktonsam December 31, 2010 at 6:25 pm

I'm just going to drink to forget this year tonight. Tomorrow too.

I am looking forward to BPalin in Penthouse also.

horsedreamer_1 January 1, 2011 at 4:25 am

If Penthouse wants to have a BBW pet of the month, might I suggest calling April Flores or Kelly Shibari before signing up Bristol?

mayor_quimby January 1, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Thanks, there goes the rest of my time and bandwidth for the night!
(worth it though)

horsedreamer_1 January 1, 2011 at 8:50 pm

Much obliged. Not my favourite porn genre, but having been with more big girls than not big girls, I can appreciate sexuality as expressed by the non-traditionally beautiful.

Progressiveinga December 31, 2010 at 6:31 pm

Needs moar "♪♬♪I wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy…♪♬♪"
And buttsecks. Also.

Negropolis January 1, 2011 at 2:42 am

I remember when The Simpsons changed their intro music for the first time in the show's history, and changed it to Ke$ha's Tik Tok, and it blew my fucking mind.

horsedreamer_1 January 1, 2011 at 4:27 am

I want to know if the writers of the Simpsons actually enjoy Ke$ha, & really, who can't but a bunch of "ironically-distant" sceneastas, or if the affection is insincere, as with ONION av club local ed (Milwaukee edition) Steve Hyden.

That man is my brother's age, but has the mental capacity of the freshmen my brother lectures. I say: grow the fuck up, Steve Hyden.

WriteyWriterton December 31, 2010 at 6:33 pm

2010 – Ack.
2011 – Gah.
Rinse.
Repeat.

marinmaven January 1, 2011 at 4:05 am

2012 will make us desperately cling to our memories of 2010 and 2011. January 2013, all bets are off.

user-of-owls December 31, 2010 at 6:35 pm

Who salutes this way?
Heil, heil, heil.

Mindblank January 1, 2011 at 5:23 pm

Some sort of … heilhole?

Come here a minute December 31, 2010 at 6:39 pm

I stepped in front of a car this year to make it all end, but it goes on anyway.

Blendergoathead January 2, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Was the car moving at the time, perchance?

WriteyWriterton December 31, 2010 at 6:48 pm

When I listened all the way through to the song, whatever it is, I didn't hate it. Is that, like, a metaphor? For the year?

No.

ShaveTheWhales December 31, 2010 at 7:57 pm

I think maybe the video was the metaphor.

Metaphorically.

weejee December 31, 2010 at 6:57 pm

None predictions for 2011? Say like:

1. Hopey starts triangulates like crazy.
2. Walnuz McCain moons Tom Udall over Udall's Phillybluster rulez changes.
3. Cheesy Chuckie Grassley turns all of Iowa into an ADM ethanol still.
4. Joe Liberman divorces Hadassah and ghey marries Lindsey Graham.
5. Neilist melts down all his gunz, dons saffron robes, and moves to a Buddhist monastery in Nepal with WiFi.

Happy New Year and best wishes to one and all (even Neilist)

user-of-owls December 31, 2010 at 7:02 pm

6. Abe Vigoda keeps living.

Feliz Ano Nuevo compas!

jim89048 December 31, 2010 at 7:05 pm

But Conan didn't light him up this year.

SexySmurf December 31, 2010 at 7:09 pm

7. Palin says something stupid and the Lamestream media treats it like it's news.

ShaveTheWhales December 31, 2010 at 7:58 pm

Hey, no fair predicting "sun rises on Jan1".

thebeatgoeson08 December 31, 2010 at 7:49 pm

Happy New Anus to you, too!

Neilist December 31, 2010 at 7:45 pm

The Buddhist Monastery in Arthur Clarke's short story, "The Nine Billion Names Of God"?

Fire up the Cray, Brothers! The sooner we get the names down, the sooner the Wheel will turn, and we'll be done with this Fucking Existence.

Dali Neilist
19th Hole
Caddyshack Clubhouse
("He's a big hitter!")

transfatz December 31, 2010 at 10:38 pm

Around here we salute the new year at midnight with our shotguns. I'll chamber up an extra game load for you.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 31, 2010 at 7:46 pm

8. Michelle Bachmann reveals she's really man and her husband was neutered on their honeymoon.

user-of-owls December 31, 2010 at 8:08 pm

9. Herpetologists announce discovery of largest Black Widow specimen on record.

10. Minneapolis Police refuse to comment on rumors that Marcus Bachmann's head was missing when his corpse was discovered last Tuesday.

Neilist December 31, 2010 at 10:57 pm

Why would herpetologists (studiers of reptiles and amphibians) announce the discovery of a spider?

Right.

ASSHOLE.

Got it.

Never mind.

transfatz December 31, 2010 at 8:34 pm

11. Sarah Palin springs a leak and deflates. Todd decides she's too worn out to patch.

Negropolis January 1, 2011 at 3:01 am

12. In an uncontrolled fit of crying, Boehner rusts himself and gets stuck to the house floor becoming a pillar of salt and moved to Statuary Hall, and Eric Cantor, leaderless and helpless as a days-old puppy, is caged and carted off back over the Potomac. Frau Pelosi deftly stages a (mostly) bloodless coup and takes back the House totally leading whilst in the minority. Now Dear Leader for Life Pelosi, she abolishes the Senate, and forms a unicameral People's Congress with power of redistricting given to said Congress.

13. Rand "Kentucky Stomper-Colonel" Paul challenges New York Senateress Kirsten Gillibrand (nee Rutnik) to a Southern-styled duel, forgetting or ignorant of her 100% NRA rating. A special election is held in Kentucky in 2011….

14. The re-animated corpose of President Reagan rises from the grave on Halloween 2011 to lead an internecine insurgency of teabaggers against the Obama administration with the re-animated corpose of Richard M. Nixon as his vice president, and Sarah Palin as his Supreme Commander. President Obama formally requests Governor Moonbeam to seal Zombie Reagan's soul back to hell, and put it place the proper containments lest some hapless soul unseals him, again.

Negropolis January 1, 2011 at 11:48 pm

Wait, no more predictions and/or wishes?

transfatz January 2, 2011 at 2:24 am

I think your last one just about covered it.

Barbara_i December 31, 2010 at 6:58 pm

I think it's kinda cute how all of the ladies in the Bachmann/Palin photo have bangs to hide the lobotomy scars.

I think that 2011 will be a better year. My prediction is that Bristol Palin will propose to another man by peeing on a stick and showing it to him before Valentine's Day.

MsQuasimodo January 1, 2011 at 1:12 pm

Actually, lobotomies are performed with an icepick up through the skull through the eye socket. No scars, no evidence.

trampndirtdown January 1, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Why do you know that?

jim89048 January 2, 2011 at 6:41 pm

Time to rewatch "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest".

Barbara_i January 1, 2011 at 11:10 pm

Just like lasik! Thanks for the 20/20 vision and Happy New Year to you!

ShiftyParadigm December 31, 2010 at 6:59 pm

Gas for $2.49? I'll miss you, 2010.

Rotundo_ December 31, 2010 at 6:59 pm

Yes, someday this will be "the good old days". I am confident that our corporate overlords will make sure we look back misty eyed and nostalgic for Chicken McNuggets and Anus Burgers, Ray Stevens political musings and even, yes, $arah's ever-spewing font of wisdumb. Imagine how hard they'll have to work to make it notably shittier than it already is. That will take true, hardened, steely, and most importantly heartless and soulless leadership. We are spectators to the end of an empire, it'll be one hell of a ride down, until you get some on you.
Happy New Year Wonketteers!

V572625694 December 31, 2010 at 6:59 pm

Happy New Year, all.

kenlayisalive December 31, 2010 at 7:01 pm

Happy new years all! 2011 should be … interesting.

Jason_inthe_Peg December 31, 2010 at 7:01 pm

Well this is the year I found wonkette and p points.

I love the p points.

They are the best game since Mario Cart.

So you haters just keep on hate'in on 2010.

SexySmurf December 31, 2010 at 7:07 pm

2010: A shitty way to end a shitty decade.

2000: Bush v. Gore
2001: 9/11
2002: Death of Joe Strummer
2003: Iraq War
2004: John Kerry
2005: Second Bush term
2006: Lebanon War
2007: Cancellation of Gilmore Girls
2008: Rise of the Palin/fall of American Empire
2009: The first of many of Hopey's disappointments

metamarcisf December 31, 2010 at 8:34 pm

The future is unwritten

ifthethunderdontgetya December 31, 2010 at 11:53 pm

2011: Hopey McChange cuts Social Security, Dave Broder and the rest of the usual gasbags have old man-gasms.
~

horsedreamer_1 January 1, 2011 at 4:31 am

We're going to need a towel for WaPo's op-ed page.

A big one!

WriteyWriterton January 1, 2011 at 1:07 am

Always thought everyone in the Clash were poseurs, and never watched a second of GG, but everything else on your list – oh, my, yes.

738838 January 1, 2011 at 8:30 am

You are so wrong about the Clash. Sad

metamarcisf January 1, 2011 at 1:37 pm

Charlie don't surf!

prommie January 3, 2011 at 10:05 am

Strummer, that was the cruelest cut of all. Carbon Silicon just doesn't make up for it, now I will never see The Clash.

slithytoves December 31, 2010 at 7:11 pm

Gosh, this post makes me feel like Leni Riefenstahl. Prosit neujahr! Or whatever.

Neilist December 31, 2010 at 7:46 pm

Leni had two GREAT "guns."

WriteyWriterton January 1, 2011 at 1:07 am

Triumph. Will. Stoopid.

Angry_Marmot January 1, 2011 at 10:01 am

Leni wanted a man in black with a Meinkampf look
And a love of the rack and the screw.
And she said I do, I do.

ttommyunger December 31, 2010 at 7:11 pm

Oh well, it was a good year for the Wonketeers; thanks to all of you and the Staff for the grins, groans, lost hours and found friends.

Neilist December 31, 2010 at 7:47 pm

Ttommy:

Tell your boy in the New Year in Indian Country:

1. Head.

2. DOWN.

[Let the Air Farce and/or the Arty-Farty Types deal with it. It's only another village of natives anyway . . . .]
Stay safe.

ttommyunger December 31, 2010 at 7:58 pm

Much appreciated.

ShaveTheWhales December 31, 2010 at 8:31 pm

This^. Sadly, the Predator is his friend.

bflrtsplk January 1, 2011 at 12:04 pm

You're alright.

PublicLuxury December 31, 2010 at 8:29 pm

Here's to you and your's finding peace in the New Year.

ttommyunger December 31, 2010 at 9:14 pm

I had a feeling I'd hear from you. I'm perceptive when it comes to class. Thank you and the very best your way as well.

user-of-owls December 31, 2010 at 10:03 pm

Happy New Year you old goat! Look forward to saluting you next New Year's eve as an even older goat.

ttommyunger December 31, 2010 at 10:57 pm

That's MISTER Old Goat to you, Sir! ;)

Barbara_i December 31, 2010 at 10:58 pm

Happy New Year to you, sir.

ttommyunger December 31, 2010 at 11:07 pm

Thank you, and the same to you and yours.

WriteyWriterton January 1, 2011 at 1:08 am

HNY, laddie-buck. Live a million more on your terms.

ttommyunger January 1, 2011 at 8:44 am

And to you and yours!

fuflans January 1, 2011 at 1:08 pm

and to surviving another year in our failing state with humor.

best in 2011 you sarcastic nymphs.

ttommyunger January 1, 2011 at 1:28 pm

If we lose that we are, indeed, lost.

UW8316154 January 2, 2011 at 12:07 am

Happy New Years! Peace.

ttommyunger January 2, 2011 at 10:03 am

Thank You, and the same to you and yours; heavy on the Peace.

Fare la Volpe January 2, 2011 at 2:19 am

Happy New Year to you too, Internet Grandpa!

ttommyunger January 2, 2011 at 10:02 am

You are too kind. I am looking forward to another year of dog walking (five at a time, twice a day) and mind-droppings (Wonketteering). You have a keen mind, a sharp wit and a cruel sense of humor. All admirable qualities that will serve you well in these frustrating and troubling times. Keep up the good work!

Bluestatelibel December 31, 2010 at 7:17 pm

Well, at least we survived the Y2K crisis, when all the computers were going to go nuts, right? That's something to be proud of. That and the cozy bottle of Baileys I have by my side will sustain me.

Texan_Bulldog December 31, 2010 at 7:22 pm

Wow! Rich Iott is the shortest Nazi I've ever seen; his picture reminds me that they are making a cartoon movie about gnomes next year…seriously.

horsedreamer_1 January 1, 2011 at 4:32 am

Gnomeo & Juliet. With a soundtrack by Elton John & special guests.

I'm hoping for another duet with Eminem, doing Randy Newman's "Short People".

DoktorZoom January 2, 2011 at 9:47 pm

"Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?"

Beowoof December 31, 2010 at 7:23 pm

I don't know if there is enough red wine to rinse away 2010 memories, but I am on my way to try and figure the answer to that question.

PresBeeblebrox December 31, 2010 at 7:27 pm

I, for one, welcome our new Diabetic-American overlords.

Shit, I knew xceptionlNatn was fucked when a Sleep Apnea store opened up next to my favourite coffee joint. (Strike that – I knew we were fucked around 3:00 am on November 8, 2000, right about the time Dan Rather started to wax eloquently about cat's tails and Tennessee nights.)

PublicLuxury December 31, 2010 at 7:33 pm

Thinking back over 2010, I just want to take a gun to my head. Too bad I don't own a gun because I'm a librul, tree hugging, socialist, Democrat.

Is there hope for 2011? I sure hope so because the opposite is unaccpetable for America.

Happy New Year Friends, May all your dreams, wallets and hearts be filled with great things.

Oh, and TRY not to piss me off this year.

x111e7thst December 31, 2010 at 8:12 pm

Being a socialist does not need to mean being a soft, gun free, tree hugger. Think of the Republicans in Spain between '31 and '39. Otoh I'm glad your brains remain un-blown- out.

And to all Wonketeers einen guten Rutsch ins Neujahr!

Bluestatelibel December 31, 2010 at 10:09 pm

I'll personally not try to piss you off this year. Except there were quite a few grammitical errors in your post.

PublicLuxury December 31, 2010 at 10:25 pm

Have another beer and it'll look a little better. Trust me, I'm a doctor.

WriteyWriterton December 31, 2010 at 7:37 pm

Oh, Wonketeers, discovering you made my year more tolerable. But the stupid..ah, the stupid burns.

Next year in Jerusalem! No?

Carry f*&^in' on, regardless, and may our Hoveround overlords descend via pothole to the lowest circle of Hell.

Happy New Year!

HempDogbane December 31, 2010 at 7:40 pm

Thanks, Ken. I love Antony and the Johnsons. Turned the streaming radio off on the other computer, shut down iTunes on this one, walked around the house looking for someone's iPod left accidentally. Finally decided whomever is fucking with my computer has excellent taste. Then I scrolled down just as the song ended.

Paranoia 2011 !

slappypaddy December 31, 2010 at 7:40 pm

i'm about to set out with matthew, my apache friend, to raise a glass or two and take a toke or more at the catnip catbox, where we will sing along to our favorite tunes, including but not limited to:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFT-TQfCrGU

happy christian new year, all you heathens!

ShaveTheWhales December 31, 2010 at 8:40 pm

1. Thanks for the antidote.

2. Thanks for reminding me how fucking old I am.

Cheers to you and the Apache you rode in with.

WriteyWriterton December 31, 2010 at 7:41 pm

(slurring, half-drunk, knocking over a barstool on the way out of the dive)

An' another thing…

May the New year bring us many more articles in The Gray Lady reporting that Arizona residents “see something sinister” in the closings of highway rest stops that Arizona shut down in light of its current budget crisis. “Betty L. Roberts, who lives in Sun City, west of Phoenix, said the topic was a hot one among her friends. ‘I honestly think they are setting us up because they want to do a tax increase,’ Ms. Roberts said. “I think by shutting down things people want, they will give us one.’” http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/05/us/05reststop.h….

bumfug January 1, 2011 at 4:08 am

How the fuck did I ever miss this link? This is great!

horsedreamer_1 January 1, 2011 at 4:34 am

You mean, I actually have to pay for things?

That wasn't in the Gospel of Ronald.

4TheTurnstiles December 31, 2010 at 7:44 pm

Oh sweet fuck-all, this was a horrible decade.

May the next be… uh, better or something?

happy new year all.

bagofmice January 2, 2011 at 8:41 am

No kidding. Only lost 11 or 12 friends this decade, and I'm barely even 30.

vulpes82 December 31, 2010 at 7:44 pm

Happy New Year, y'all! Here's to hoping the second decade of the twenty-first century is better than the first!

Pop_Socket December 31, 2010 at 8:01 pm

Happy New Year. Next year will be even wilder because the crazy only grows. We got Republicans in the House. Barrels of laughs guaranteed.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 31, 2010 at 8:07 pm

Happy New Year fellow Wonkette commenters!
(and editors interns…)
May your sarcasm never dull,
may the Pedobear never hack your email,
may your Republican relatives admit Palin is a moron,
may you never get a job that blocks Wonkette,
and may you never regret that last drink.

Nouvelle Année Heureuse!

neiltheblaze December 31, 2010 at 8:08 pm

Happy New Year Wonkeratti! May Guy Lombardo and His Royal Canadians stay the fuck out of your dreams.

StillGoinGreen December 31, 2010 at 8:08 pm

Thank you Wonketteers for giving me someone to cry with each lousy fucking day of this turd of a year! May our 2011 tears be of joy, or laughter, or the kind you get when you need to sneeze.

metamarcisf December 31, 2010 at 8:14 pm

Tip: If you've spent all your money on moonshine & benzos and have just snapped that you're gonna need a new calendar in a few minutes, do what I did. Dig out that old 1994 calendar stashed somewhere in the garage. Not only is it the same, but you'll be abe to relive the contract on America all over again.

ShaveTheWhales December 31, 2010 at 8:44 pm

♫Synchronicityyy.♪

Progressiveinga December 31, 2010 at 9:01 pm

And Newt is still slinging the same bullshit. Into the looking glass, Alice, and prospero ano nuevo Bitches!

FlyOverGirl December 31, 2010 at 11:09 pm

Too bad I can't claim intoxication yet. But I read that as "relieve" on the contract on America.

transfatz December 31, 2010 at 8:16 pm

Happy new year to the editors and commenters who gave of their creativity so that we could have the best set-ups on the internet. You made me laugh about things I just wanted to cry about. I could not have survived the Bush administration without you.
And a nod to the stupids for all the great material. Somehow I don't think there will be any less of this in 2011.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 2, 2011 at 12:38 am

To the stupids!

DustBowlBlues January 2, 2011 at 4:50 pm

"And a nod to the stupids for all the great material. Somehow I don't think there will be any less of this in 2011."

Unless Medicare quits buying scooters for fat people, making them all prisoners of their own homes.

rocktonsam December 31, 2010 at 8:19 pm

we do get to look forward to ball baby Boner blubbering all the time, while fucking it up because he will

EdFlintstone December 31, 2010 at 8:24 pm

If anyone finds Michele Bachmann sexy, you really need to raise your sexiness standards.

rocktonsam December 31, 2010 at 8:36 pm

sometimes its ok to have lower standards amirite?

V572625694 December 31, 2010 at 11:11 pm

Depends on BAC, time of day/night, accessibility of desired object of affection. Complicated! But Michele — nevah again!

bflrtsplk January 1, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Hmm. Had 20 margaritas and a bottle and a half champagne and I am lonely. Let's have a look. Mmmmm No.

ShaveTheWhales December 31, 2010 at 8:28 pm

Ken, don't you think "If it be your will" is a little too upbeat for 2010?

On the other hand, 2010 was kind of a bummer mostly because of falling-short-of-hopes, whereas 2011 promises to be full of active bad shit. Better start researching your Antony year-end special now.

To my fellow scumsucking shitbricks, so long (until tomorrow) and thanks for all the snark. And the literacy.

I hope that — against all probability — 2011 is a better year for you, or at least that you have adequate access to drugs and alcohol.

Fappy New Year!.

bumfug January 1, 2011 at 4:03 am

$35 gets me a medical weed card and the VA is good for the pharms if I ever decide I need them. Bev-Mo can handle the rest. I think 2011 is covered.

SheriffRoscoe December 31, 2010 at 8:30 pm

The guy with the pimped out van neglected to apply the 'who fucked whom' rule of grammar checking.

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 12:30 am

I'll have to remember to write that rule on the board for my students. Very helpful!

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 31, 2010 at 8:31 pm

Mrs. Bleindmeis and I just dined on Gulf shrimp that hardly tasted like petroleum at all, and we decided that was a fitting way to end the year. Some things were pretty bad, but they could have been worse. Michele Bachman could have landed a committee chairmanship. We could have needed to adjust to hearing the names "Senator Miller," "Senator O'Donnell," and "Vice President Palin" on NPR, spoken without scorn. Dubya could have decided to leave his big mouth open instead of shutting the fuck up, for the most part. The Supreme Court could have ruled that DADT was here to stay, and would apply to all American society, not just the military. Mike Huckabee could have gotten the gig playing bass on Conan's new show. Wonkette could have fallen victim to massive cyber attacks from Wonkileaks operatives.

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 12:31 am

You're a glass-is-half-full kind of person. I have no idea how you've remained on this site for as long as you have.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 1, 2011 at 12:46 am

Well, I keep refilling my glass, Ali.

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 1:31 am

After half a bottle of over-proof spiced rum the old man and I are feeling pretty glass-is-half-full for all things we do have in our lives. So, yeah. Glad the Gulf shrimp for you and missus was tasty.

prommie January 3, 2011 at 10:08 am

God hates shrimp, you know! They are an abomination. They cheweth not the cud.

PublicLuxury December 31, 2010 at 8:32 pm

Here's to the building of the Mobility Scooter Lane on America's highways and byways.

I can't stand when they're clogging up the carpool lane.

chascates December 31, 2010 at 8:38 pm

Helen Keller might have been the only person who could have enjoyed 2010. If she had broken both hands, that is.

thebeatgoeson08 December 31, 2010 at 11:55 pm

that's not funny! Actually, yes it is. Made me wheeze. A good H.K. joke always gets me.

real_dc_native December 31, 2010 at 8:40 pm

One good thing about 2010, Riley went from intern to staff. Do they still make you read Politico and Red State every day Riley?

Other than that, yeah 2010 sucked and only Wonkette, the Wonketteers, drugs and liquor got me through it. Well, here's hoping 2011 will see us drifting in the right direction (left).

Happy New Year All!

chascates December 31, 2010 at 8:51 pm

Being humped by Andrew Breitbart was his initiation. That's the equivalent of throwing yourself on a hand grenade.

imissopus December 31, 2010 at 8:46 pm

Sadly our overlords have neglected a round-up of the most important group here at Wonkette: the trolls! This year had such a bumper crop of the little guys who enlivened our days with the incomprehensible spewings dredged from the Glenn-Beck-addled depths of their cortices. Such wisdom they shared!

So I raise a glass to you, paulletteanne, greaseball rabbit, Kevin with the Idi Amin avatar, di da the dog boy or whatever the fuck your name was, our mystery guests who have apparently been coming through on down-fisting sweeps recently, and any others I am too drunk to remember. May 2011 be the year you all suffer from painful wasting diseases, and may you linger long enough to see the black man re-elected by an overwhelming majority, which will surely cause the final fatal blood vessel ruptures in your scrambled brains.

Happy New Year, Wonketteers!

Neilist December 31, 2010 at 10:49 pm

All my hard work, and I'm omitted.

I, the Dali Lama of "incomprehensible spewings . . . "

Fuck you.

And fuck Billygoat Gruff, and his fucking bridge that he makes me live under.

Neilist
"I am . . . the Troll Kinggggggggggggggggggggggggggg!"

V572625694 December 31, 2010 at 11:14 pm

If you know who Neal Cassady was, and Neil Young is, you're no troll here. You're just raising the irony level a bit, and it's appreciated. Custerwolf sends her love…

user-of-owls December 31, 2010 at 11:33 pm

You can actually say her/its name now? Was a time when your comment would vanish into the ether if you tried. And if you were not careful, you could vanish therein as well.

I did bring her up down the thread a bit. What times those were….

V572625694 January 1, 2011 at 2:13 am

Sometimes I wish I'd get a whack from the banhammer…we'll seem

Neilist January 1, 2011 at 12:40 pm

Does Ken have this set up so that if you even mention "Custerw**t" your post auto-deletes?

If so, that's really . . . . KEWL.

V572625694 January 1, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Pretty sure “Ken” is an AI construct that escaped from PARC or the MIT Media Lab when he/it became self-aware. Note the habitual evasions on the subject of “his” location.

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 12:36 am

I wondered why people were always calling for your banhammering and so I thought you were scary – now I just understand that you are a gun nut who loves to yammer on about military history like you married the History Channel and that's what makes you so very charming and a wonderful part of the Wonkeratti. The end.

Neilist January 1, 2011 at 4:04 pm

"people were always calling for your banhammering . . . "

99.9% of Wonketteers cannot be wrong!

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 7:39 pm

Not true! You are the spice of Our Wonkette and now I can top my son when he tries to yammer at me about AK-47's, because of your tutelage.

DustBowlBlues January 2, 2011 at 4:17 pm

"Wonkeratti"

Excellent. A fittingly respectful term to describe those of us who slavishly read the yammerings of what is, evidently, an AI from X-Files.

HurricaneAli January 2, 2011 at 7:06 pm

I cannot take credit for "Wonkeratti" but I can take credit for the X-Files reference. Thank you.

WriteyWriterton January 1, 2011 at 12:55 am

Needing some love, Neilist? It's a bit bleak on your own path, but we like you here. You're a disgruntled loner, like the rest of us, staring into the bottoms of our glasses, swiveling on our stools in case The One walks in and she/he's looking for US.

Oh, and f*^@ you. ;)

Neilist January 1, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Disgruntled loner on a stool?

More like the corner window on the sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository

WriteyWriterton January 1, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Dallas. Yes. I've been there. Seen one grassy knoll, seen 'em all.

PuckStopsHere January 2, 2011 at 9:44 pm

Been there, the TSBD, that is. Easy shot. Specially for a committed Marine.

SheriffRoscoe January 1, 2011 at 3:32 am

Neilist you lost the crown of Troll King a long time ago. And besides, we like our trolls more slack jawed and well, retarded than you are.

HurricaneAli January 2, 2011 at 7:08 pm

There has got to be a Gilbert and Sullivan light opera in there, somewhere.

imissopus January 1, 2011 at 1:27 pm

You have a redeeming feature Neilist: you can answer any question I ever have about weaponry and ammunition. And you like Neil Young. Okay, two features. The trolls I was thinking of are wastes of oxygen. Don't worry, I still think you are a giant ASSHOLE.

Rotundo_ January 1, 2011 at 4:04 pm

He is not just a giant ASSHOLE, he is *OUR GIANT ASSHOLE*. And this being the case ours is just fine, everybody elses' particularly that Andrew Breitbart chaps' stinks to high heaven. A good small (and some larger) arms consultant is a handy thing to have these days too.

Neilist January 1, 2011 at 6:08 pm

Well, I'm a barrel of laughs,
with my carbine on
I keep 'em hoppin',
till my ammunition's gone.
But I'm still not happy,
I feel like
there's something wrong.
I got the revolution blues,
I see bloody fountains,
And ten million snow machines
comin' down the mountains.

Well, I hear that Wassilla, Alaska
is full of Palin's pards,
But I hate them worse than lepers
and I'll kill them
in their cars.

[From the "One The Beach" album, of course. With apologizes to the original artiste.]

4TheTurnstiles January 1, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Christ, if you know that album, you're alright with me. Asshole.

imissopus January 1, 2011 at 7:08 pm

Well we live in a trailer at Lucille Lake
Joe McGinness can't see us
'Cause we put up a fence with stakes

Eh, that's all I got.

BeWoot January 1, 2011 at 1:42 am

Skoal, Rebel.

chascates December 31, 2010 at 8:51 pm

AP reports Baby Beard Joe Miller has conceded.

ShaveTheWhales December 31, 2010 at 8:54 pm

Can you call it "conceding" when your opponent has already been certified?

Radiotherapy December 31, 2010 at 9:50 pm

Finally, but he said it was a close shave.

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 12:18 am

He will shave off his Don Johnson in a sobbing fit of self-loathing and then masturbate himself to sleep.

WriteyWriterton January 1, 2011 at 1:16 am

I won't be happy until he concedes he's an utter idiot.

neiltheblaze January 1, 2011 at 8:05 am

Or, put another way, "faced reality".

bflrtsplk January 1, 2011 at 5:54 pm

What AP meant to say: Joe Miller is conceited.

lulzmonger January 1, 2011 at 11:12 pm

Conceded … & yet still carrying on with a federal lawsuit. Keep it classy, Joe!

Nothing wrong with Stubble-Boy that a good turpentine enema wouldn't cure.

transfatz January 1, 2011 at 11:37 pm

Only Joe Miller could finally concede maybe almost kinda-sorta.

transfatz January 1, 2011 at 11:41 pm

Joe needs to discover lash lengthener mascara. It worked wonders for me in the early 60s except for that embarrassing time when my beard ran.

glamourdammerung January 2, 2011 at 1:12 am

Actually, he kind of conceded while basically claiming to have won. Not really sure what that counts as.

Negropolis January 2, 2011 at 1:55 am

Ah, yes, the "Christine O'Donnell" concession. Actually, that's how most losing politicians lose, these days, Democrat or Republican.

jim89048 January 2, 2011 at 5:28 pm

The same tactic worked fabulously well for Xtine, though!

bumfug December 31, 2010 at 9:01 pm

Every year has enough fucked up stuff to keep the rage up. How could it not be so, given the vast amount of stupidity loose in the land? The good news is that it's not worse than usual; it's always been this bad and the result is that people like Franklin, Twain, Menckin, Vonnegut and yes Layne arise to mock these dipshits and help us to find the laughter that is the only appropriate reaction to their existence. When the day comes that this isn't enough, well, they're not the only ones with second amendment solutions. Drink up.

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 31, 2010 at 10:06 pm

Thank you for that perspective, BF.

3000 years ago this time of year, we were all, "Let's hope there won't be any more Bathsheba-gate incidents next year, am I right, Uriah the Hittite? We all thought David and Jonathan were ghey!"

user-of-owls December 31, 2010 at 10:15 pm

Gomorrahan!

(Na Zdrowe, you crazy Maus!)

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 31, 2010 at 11:40 pm

You bet your dupa, Owl, you nocturnal sodomite, you!

WriteyWriterton January 1, 2011 at 1:17 am

Too right, bumfug. Too bloody right. May your next year not entirely suck.

Radiotherapy January 1, 2011 at 4:37 am

Two steps forward, 1.9999 back. In a winching, ephemeral manner.

deleted3956854 January 1, 2011 at 7:03 am

Mencken

deleted2470022 December 31, 2010 at 9:32 pm

I first heard Antony and the Johnsons on this very site. Now I own all of their CDs. I also have a gun, drugs, a bottle of Bailey's and a lot of wine. Bring it, 2011.

And a Happy New Year to all of you who made me laugh, think, and occasionally smash my head upon my desk.

My_pal_HAL December 31, 2010 at 10:07 pm

Went away after the mid-terms. The bathos on the Wonkette was too intense. But now, it's really over. Joe Miller has conceded, 2010 in done, the snark is back! Happy New Year!

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 31, 2010 at 11:42 pm

Open the pod bay door, HAL.

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 12:40 am

Dammit, I'm drunk enough now to ask what the hell that means. Apparently, I missed out on that meme.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 1, 2011 at 1:09 am

2001: A Space Odyssey. HAL the computer (shifting the alphabet one letter down from IBM) is self-aware and locks out the human that wants to shut him down. The rest is pretty loose. Have another drink, Ali.

My_pal_HAL January 1, 2011 at 11:07 pm

I keep asking him to open the damn door but he wont listen.

UW8316154 January 2, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Outstanding movie review. "The rest is pretty loose". Made my morning! Thank you for that.

DoktorZoom January 2, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Obligatory XKCD link.

TheRealJimbo December 31, 2010 at 10:11 pm

Wasn't 2009 the last year of the decade? I keep getting that messed up.

Anyway, sincerely, thank you all for making me laugh and keeping me sane when all I wanted to do was bang my forehead on my desk.

user-of-owls December 31, 2010 at 10:11 pm

Hey all you nattering nabobs of negativism, you really want something to be thankful for? We went through all of 2010 without a single appearance of the she-wolf that rhymes with cuntster! That alone made the year a more tolerable one.

AutomaticPilot December 31, 2010 at 11:03 pm

What do you have against Lily Munster?

wondering where i am January 1, 2011 at 2:02 am

Hey, owl creature,remember me?. How about we bury the owl pellet? I am not really a troll, nor a she-wolf or a cuntster. And I don't own guns or watch the history channel. No reason to be so mean.

Limeylizzie December 31, 2010 at 10:17 pm

Happy New Year Wonketteers, this was my first year here and I have so much for which to be thankful. Firstly the freedom to say "Cunt" and the many, many p-points I receive when I do, the encouragement from many of you to let loose with my insane Nazi / French Resistance fantasies -I will never forget the Wheel of Gouda in that Dutch cheese shop, the fact that my breasts haven't received so much attention since that day on the beach in Eastbourne , when I was 17 and a skinhead pulled off my bikini top, the times when I wrote serious things that made me cry and it somehow felt the right place to do that, and above all those Wonketteers who I consider to be friends and even pretend boyfriends. You are a wonderful, sexy, deranged, funny and ridiculously smart bunch of mates.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 1, 2011 at 12:12 am

Talk nerdy to me, Lizzy.

DashboardBuddha January 1, 2011 at 12:13 am

Bless you, Lizzie.

Limeylizzie January 3, 2011 at 1:53 am

Happy New Year Dashboard, loved your very moving post. Who wouldn't want to marry you, she sounds like a smart woman.

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 12:43 am

Any limey who has the sense of humour to call themselves a limey is A-OK. Thank you for being a really fun read on the comments – more of same 2011, plz.

jim89048 January 1, 2011 at 12:54 am

We appreciate your forsaking of Olde Blighty to favour us with your snark. More for '11.

WriteyWriterton January 1, 2011 at 12:58 am

Namaste, Lizzie. We love you here. You and Neilist.

Hell, I was in your homeland last week, holed up in Kensington during the "Arctic Conditions," and I thought warmly of you.

Keep 'em flyin'!

user-of-owls January 1, 2011 at 1:00 am

Have a peachy New Year, Ms. Liz, and try to cut down on the ASBOs this year, that's a good lass.

Negropolis January 1, 2011 at 3:35 am

Huzzah!

Sometimes, we need some ducks from the other side of the pond to give their perspective on these ducks in the same said pond.

Damn! I am so sleepy. All I have running through my head are multi-colored mallards On Walden Pond. I don't drink or drug, but I've always thought that acute insomnia was about as close to the side-effects as a body will get.

neiltheblaze January 1, 2011 at 10:34 am

Cheers, m'dear. You're my favorite straight woman. Anyone who constantly craves dick can't be all bad. We make the world a better place.

Limeylizzie January 3, 2011 at 1:50 am

I have always loved the gheys, darling.

VinnyThePooh January 2, 2011 at 12:00 am

We Colonists definitely need to have more chit-chat with our British mates, what-what.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 2, 2011 at 12:49 am

Little known fact: "Colonists" is the new euphemism for doing it in the behind.

Fare la Volpe January 2, 2011 at 2:23 am

"The Colonists are revolting!"

PuckStopsHere January 2, 2011 at 10:53 pm

Really? That actually works? What the hell then. I want my p-props, too. So here goes. Cunt. There.

DaSandman December 31, 2010 at 10:56 pm

I wanna spank those big ass fake Palin Titties. Does this make me a bad person, Christ I hope so…

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 12:09 am

I want to spank all those on this site who helped me maintain my sanity in 2010, esp. during November.

Negropolis January 1, 2011 at 3:36 am

If that's bad (spanking/motorboating those trig/tig-o-bitties), I'm sure you don't want to be good.

not that Dewey December 31, 2010 at 11:07 pm

Slightly OT, but I was flipping through the channels (I have a 3-year old; can't go out) looking for some NYE specials. I saw Kathy and Anderson on CNN, some vapid dipshit on MTV, Bill Hemmer and Megan Kelly on Fox. Ironically, FOX WAS THE LEAST STUPID THING ON TELEVISION TONITE. However, they were pissing their pants about the Gin Blossoms, talking about their college years and how cool New York is, while simultaneously slamming East Coast Elitists, so all is right with the universe.

Happy New Year, Wonketteers!

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 12:08 am

What, you didn't watch Dick Clark's Stroked-Out New Year's? You missed Ke$ha!!!!1

not that Dewey January 1, 2011 at 12:14 am

Yeah, I saw that Dick Seacrest was going to have Train, as well. I would rather puke and watch FOX, then install a urethral catheter. And FOX had Rick Springfield!1!11!!

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 1:25 am

Holy fuck, I missed Rick Springfield to watch Avril Lavigne! Jesus Christ, 2011's already sucking.

WriteyWriterton January 1, 2011 at 12:59 am

F*^# everything and anyone on Fox Not-News. Always, and in every orifice.

not that Dewey January 1, 2011 at 1:20 am

Agreed. It was a tragic, terrible night for American television.

WriteyWriterton January 1, 2011 at 1:30 am

Oh, well, then. It's just television? Never mind.

Negropolis January 1, 2011 at 3:38 am

I watched a little bit of them all. It's always fun watching whether or not (or how) Kathy Griffin will try to out Anderson Cooper on national television. It's hilariously uncomfortable; in other words, must-see-TV.

Bonzos_Bed_Time January 2, 2011 at 12:51 am

So did she drop the F-bomb on America?

horsedreamer_1 January 1, 2011 at 4:43 am

The title of the first Gin Blossoms album is fitting for the start of the 113th Congress: New Miserable Experience.

trampndirtdown January 1, 2011 at 3:12 pm

Season 5 Dr. Who dvd that I got for Christmas, was my viewing choice.

sati_demise January 2, 2011 at 3:19 pm

Robot Chicken rules man.

DoktorZoom January 2, 2011 at 9:38 pm

We just watched The Hudsucker Proxy again. You know, for kids.

SheriffRoscoe December 31, 2010 at 11:17 pm

Happy New Year! More Fruhlinger next year please? k thanks

Pragmatist2 December 31, 2010 at 11:21 pm

I got 15 p's for my Merry Fucking Christmas post, and I am a whore for p's so…..

Happy Fucking New Year!!!

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 12:06 am

here's another pee, ho, and a happy fucking new year to you, too!

jim89048 January 1, 2011 at 12:15 pm

There's yer 15, happy now?

Pragmatist2 January 1, 2011 at 12:59 pm

I am forever in your debt.
Be sure to check back on Valentine's Day.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 1, 2011 at 12:00 am

Sarcasm, noun. Etymology: French or Late Latin; French sarcasme, from Late Latin sarcasmos, from Greek sarkasmos, from sarkazein to tear flesh, bite the lips in rage, sneer, from sark-, sarx flesh.

Snarkasm, noun. Etymology: Indo-European, sna-, nose; Latin, -asm, spasmodic sexual pleasure.

Happy New Year's Rockin' Eve, my fellow Wonkettniks. The corpse of Dick Clark is counting down the seconds right now.

bumfug January 1, 2011 at 3:42 am

Note to Dick Clark: Dude, you're a fucking broadcaster. Have you looked at a tape lately? The head in a jar in Reanimator was more articulate. Stay home and endorse your checks with your good hand.

neiltheblaze January 1, 2011 at 8:38 am

Christ, I saw that too – (Dick Clark doing the countdown, I mean) – luckily I'd had two tequila shots and four glasses of this really kick-ass rum punch and several jibbers, so while it struck me as very sad, it was also extremely funny – especially when the roomful of sick fucks I call friends started counting down sounding like Rocky Balboa after one too many punches in the head.

But, thinking it over, I realized Dick needed to do the countdown because the only alternative was Ryan Seacrest – and he can't even count forward.

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 7:51 pm

You know, you have to give credit for Dick Clark doing the countdown even after a massive heart attack – look, this is the progression of NYE officiators from when I was a kid to now:

Guy Lombardo
Dick Clark

Do you really want Ryan Seacrest crowned in that dynasty? He must be stopped!

neiltheblaze January 2, 2011 at 1:57 pm

But how does one stop a juggernaut like Seacrest?

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 12:06 am

Happy New Year Wonketteers!

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 12:13 am

oh man, being old and a mom has its advantages – I get to watch some lame rap group kickin' it OG on the ABC network for new year's.

DashboardBuddha January 1, 2011 at 12:31 am

Happy New Year my dear Wonketteer friends. The 00s were an odd time and I'm not sad to see them go. In 2000, I was 39 and kept thinking, "I'm going to OWN my 40s". Some bad choices and worse luck have taught me otherwise…midway through the 2nd Bush term all I wanted was to SURVIVE my 40s. I'll be 50 soon, so I'm not making any grand predictions. I have a job, but truth be told, I'm not very good at it and will probably be fired soon. I'm a better guitar player now then at any other time in my life…I have a woman that loves me and for some strange reason wants to marry me. We'll see. The 10s will no doubt be interesting…but not always in a good way.

At least there's Wonkette…you folks have kept me stay sane for a given value of sane.

bumfug January 1, 2011 at 3:37 am

Getting fired could be the best thing that ever happens to you. I spent my 30's into my 40's doing club, arena and casino shows (stand-up comedy) and life was like a non-stop letter to Penthouse. I eventually got tired of the road and took straight jobs to try and salvage my marriage but on reflection I should have said fuck the marriage and persevered. The recession shut down the company I worked for and I'm now back in L.A. writing comedy for people too busy or lazy to write their own. I have a friend who used to teach guitar licks to George Thorogood when George was still in high school and another who played with Miles Davis. They love their lives . Go with what makes you happy and don't waste any more time. If the woman stays with you it's a bonus. Good luck.

Dashboard_Jesus January 1, 2011 at 4:21 am

well the Jesus can relate to the Buddha, just turned 50 last year and feel pretty much the same way…the new century shoulda/ coulda turned out lots better if the Supreme Court hadn't fucked the planet by coronating the Shrub, no matter how you feel 'bout him this whole goddam world would be MUCH different if President Gore would have gotten us further along to shaking the addiction to oil and he sure would NOT have attacked Iraq or started this damn never-ending 'War on Terra'…that being said I'm happy to have the same (decent) job, with healthcare, and a regular paycheck knowiing that it could go away any day…and like you I'm MOST fortunate to also have a very fine woman who loves me and will very possibly choose to be my mate soon…also! Anyway, here's to pressing the reset button and maybe getting a chance to create something more meaningful amidst the insanity, cheers!

jim89048 January 1, 2011 at 12:40 am
SayItWithWookies January 1, 2011 at 12:44 am

Oh, what an abysmal week it's been — but at least I got my internet connection back just in time to be online for midnight — also I hate my ISP.
In general though, 2010 wasn't an unmitigated disaster, since healthcare reform (among a bunch of other sensible things) finally got passed with only a lag time of a hundred years since people thought it was a decent idea. And for 2011, I'm looking forward to John Boehner running the House — it'll be like Newt Gingrich but with the work ethic of Dubya and the methodical approach of a tick dropped into a pot of coffee.
Anyway, happy new year everyone!

BarackMyWorld January 1, 2011 at 8:07 pm

Just don't make him cry.

Impossible, I know, but still…

Jukesgrrl January 1, 2011 at 1:38 am

Thanks for the Leonard Cohen, Ken. That was a lovely surprise. All the best to you — and all the Wonkerazzi — in 2011.

As for 2010, let's just say "Paula put it in a jar" and be done with it.

BeWoot January 1, 2011 at 1:51 am

I thought that was Brian Ferry. Or is Ken working a rotation and I missed the good parts?

weejee January 2, 2011 at 11:38 am

Yeah, with you on that Jukes. Thanks for Lennie, Ken, it makes a great tradition. Sorta surprised not more Wonker friends of the great Canadian foghorn.

BeWoot January 1, 2011 at 1:55 am

As a wise old guy always wraps up his shares at my favorite AA meeting, "I love you all." Muchas merci, Wonketteers.

(And for the Teatards and right-wing aspirants everywhere: fuck you all; and not in the good way.)

LionHeartSoyDog January 1, 2011 at 2:10 am

Best Wishes, MMXI !
May you survive in interesting times.

jim89048 January 1, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Survive, that's gonna be the tricky part.

axmxz January 1, 2011 at 2:54 am

I spent the last minutes of the past decade watching Kathy Griffin molest Anderson Cooper on live national television. Not quite enough to make up for the rest of it, but a good effort.

bumfug January 1, 2011 at 3:23 am

If by some chance he really wasn't gay before there's nothing like some Kathy Griffin molestation to push him over the line.

DCHatesMe January 1, 2011 at 3:03 am

Fuck I care about the Gregorian calendar? Do I look like a need to be told what time it is and when to make some noise? Drunken bastards. Fuck Pope Gregory.

Negropolis January 1, 2011 at 3:44 am

It's 2011; The Year of the Year Before the End of Time; The Year of the Dutch East India Company, er, The Year of the Teapocalypse. Resistence is futile, motherfuckers. You will live in interesting times, and you'll like it.

P.S. Pray for Canada.

finallyhappy January 1, 2011 at 9:00 am

I thought we would all move to Canada in 2012- depending.

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 10:51 am

I have always been a firm believer in never giving up on America and staying to work on improving things for our citizens. I am slowly coming to the realization I should have moved my family a long time ago.

Negropolis January 1, 2011 at 9:49 pm

Hey, when the world ends, it ends everywhere, baby.

marinmaven January 1, 2011 at 4:18 am

Happy New Years to my Wonketteer brethren. 2011 — may the lizard people show mercy on us and put us out of our mercy. If not, perhaps we can all be exiled somewhere with great cafes to watch the coming imbecilic mayhem of our native country from a distance. Preferably they will have fine wine, cheese, perfume, silk stockings, chocolate, and coffee to dull the disappointment of what our country has become.

horsedreamer_1 January 1, 2011 at 4:44 am

When I saw the woman on the Rascal, I did a double-take to make sure she wasn't my stepfather's sister.

freakishlywrong January 1, 2011 at 8:14 am

2011: The year of no dinner, no movie, no lube. Just constant ass raping from the Republicans. That being said; I have great affection for all of my pretend internet friends and hopefully, we'll get through it together. Happy mothafuckin' New years, bitches.

bagofmice January 1, 2011 at 9:34 am

The Cray 1 is weaker than my laptop. I made a pilgrimage to make sure. Now cluster ten thousand of those badboys with a properly functionalized program… And brother we have ourselves a serious edge compute network.

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 10:49 am

That means the UNIVAC has the computational equivalency of my coffee maker.

FlyOverGirl January 1, 2011 at 10:29 am

2011 is off to an excellent start. My local paper picked up the story of a 29-year-old who believes the rapture is coming on May 21. God bless, we still have plenty of idiots in America to mock for the next 365. What a happy new year!

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 10:40 am

Shoot, that's my DS's b-day. What I am going to tell the other kids when only some of his friends are raptured before the birthday cake?

FlyOverGirl January 1, 2011 at 10:55 am

It's all in God's plan. Rapture before cake – God hates frosting.

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 11:08 am

Well, at least I won't have to rent a bounce house next year.

FlyOverGirl January 1, 2011 at 1:15 pm

You could stage the birthday in a bomb shelter just for fun.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 1, 2011 at 3:29 pm

It's also the birthday of Al Franken, Judge Reinhold, and Mister T.

It looks like May 21 is just when Our Lord returns, and ushers in five months of torment. The world doesn't end until October 21.

I'm a little suspicious of the source, though. It also states that the creation occurred in 10,013 BC, which is totally revisionist history. It was 4004 BC at the earliest, according to most peabrains.

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Yes! We are very proud of the fact that our son's birthday is the same as Mister T's.

Well-reasoned response, sir. Bishop Ussher did indeed date the world to 4004 BC. He was the first in a long-line of peabrains.

Dang, I cannot tell my son the world is going to end on his birthday. It would really just ruin everything.

neiltheblaze January 2, 2011 at 2:04 pm

And then if it didn't happen – well, that would be too embarrassing.

Barbara_i January 1, 2011 at 11:15 am

Um, nope, no rapture dates on the new Wal Green's "Puppy & Kitty" calendar I got. I looked at all um, 12 pictures and saw nothing but cheaply printed and photo-shopped dogs and cats. Maybe the information lies in the more expensive "We're All Going to be Dragged into the Whorey Underworld of Hell" calendar that cost more. If it's in the clearance bin I will snag it and let everyone know when we are gonna die.

WriteyWriterton January 1, 2011 at 12:59 pm

Thanks!

Barbara_i January 1, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Live to serve, lol!

FlyOverGirl January 1, 2011 at 1:13 pm

My aunt calls and just screams, "2012. We're all gonna die in 2012." However, she does live in South Carolina so that might explain her pessimism.

user-of-owls January 1, 2011 at 4:09 pm

If you live in South Carolina, "we're all gonna die" is actually an expression of optimism.

FlyOverGirl January 1, 2011 at 4:57 pm

It's equally disturbing to get that call on Turkey Day, Jebus's birthday, or the morning after an election. The good news is – her specific rapture date is 12-12-12 so we've got a bit longer to repent or whatever.

trampndirtdown January 1, 2011 at 3:17 pm

I got a nice Krauthammer column this morning, fuck 2011 too.

hooray4anything January 1, 2011 at 5:39 pm

The good news about the Rapture is there goes most of the Republican base so it should be a Democratic blowout in 2012.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 1, 2011 at 8:13 pm

I have a different theory. If a Rapture is going to occur, my devout belief is that Muscular Jesus is going to waterboard the shit out of the selfish, smug, nasty-ass CINOs (Christians In Nomine Only) that sully his holy, muscular name. He'll throw them into eternal torment — maybe an eternity of crampy diarrhea and Vacation Bible School — and with those scum-muffins out of the way, the rest of us here on mother earth will be in a socialist rapture.

user-of-owls January 1, 2011 at 8:33 pm

Mea muscula,
Mea muscula,
Mea maxima muscula.

Zvi_Bleindmeis January 1, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Good news for Republicans from bad-ass Jesus: There is a way for a camel (rich people) to pass through the eye of a needle (enter the Kingdom of Heaven) after all.

Bad news: You're going to have to be liquified.

BarackMyWorld January 1, 2011 at 8:29 pm

The church I was forced to go to as a kid puts on this play every year to scare everyone into accepting Jesus/accepting their Biblical interpretations.

Many a time I have considered suing for psychological trauma, but I honestly can't say it screwed me up any more than the years I spent listening to talk radio.

user-of-owls January 1, 2011 at 8:35 pm

I couldn't get the link to work, but I'm assuming your tormentors forced you to watch Cats when you really wanted to see American Buffalo.

FlyOverGirl January 1, 2011 at 9:30 pm

La Vie Boheme.

BarackMyWorld January 2, 2011 at 12:45 pm
FlyOverGirl January 2, 2011 at 5:46 pm

Oh, my. That's actually not that far from me. Perhaps I'll make a delightful holiday road trip to KC in 2011. Chick-fil-a, shopping on the Plaza, and a x-tian scare-a-thon.

doxastic January 1, 2011 at 11:28 am

2011 will be mostly remembered as the year in which all the hilarious images of 2010 coalesced and became flesh before the end of the world in 2012. It involves:

Haley Barbour leading in the presidential election while confined to a personal mobility device, comparing the Teaparty movment to the Citizen's Council struggle for civil rights in Yazoo City. Candidate Barbour will promise to euthanize and/or deport illegal alien Nobama. He will get breast implants (going up to an astonishing FFF), eat Michele Bachmann and take her place as reigning sexy lady, which will…um…excite the GOP male base. When it is uncovered that candidate Barbour regularly has pedophilic furry Nazi cosplay sex, Barbour will point out that at least it was heterosexual, and thus not disgusting like gayness, which leads man-goat marriage (this leads Jason Chaffetz to rethink his position on gay rights). However, no one will care because they will be too busy eating anus burgers and thus slowly turning into assholes because, hey, you are what you eat.

bitchincamaro2 January 1, 2011 at 11:32 am

USA USA USA1/1/11!

HNY, perverts.

jim89048 January 1, 2011 at 12:34 pm
tiger_tree January 1, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Rich Iott was going to be congressman for NW Ohio, i.e. Toledo. That area was always too Indiana for me. Flat as a pancake and white as a lily. Even a little bit west of Columbus you get the idea that if they could, they'd make sure all the darkies were out of town before the sun went down.

Ohio really seems to just adopt the personality of the area closest to it, doesn't it? Toledo = Indiana. Cinncinnati = Kentucky. Cleveland = Poster Child of the Rust Belt. Etc. and So forth.

Negropolis January 1, 2011 at 9:55 pm

Toledo is actually more strongly tied to Detroit than anything else, culturally and economically (hell, Michigan once claimed Toledo), but as soon as you get outside of the city, it's pretty Indiana. But, yeah, pretty much everything along and west of I-75 is kind of suspect, if you ask me.

horsedreamer_1 January 3, 2011 at 2:46 am

The Toledo War. & for losing, Michigan got its other hand.

I don't know if I am happy about that, or not.

christianmuslin January 1, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Happy New Year to all, and may Cord Jefferson come to realize the value of his columns to this acclaimed international media outlet known as Wonkette. We miss you bro, and do not hold your Arizona background against you. Hell, I'm from Kansas, a long time ago before I stole the witches broom and said goodbye to Dorothy and friends.

102415 January 1, 2011 at 5:35 pm

Hey, Dorothy lives in Ozzz full time now. Click your heesl sweetie.Happy New Year.

christianmuslin January 1, 2011 at 8:41 pm

Thanks.

TimeCubist January 1, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Dammit, my calendar seems to be broken…

Happy New Year, wonketeers! You people–editors, interns, regulars, irregulars–have helped me maintain a reasonable facsimile of sanity this last clusterfuck of a year, and for that I'm grateful. You people and Mr. Jack Daniel, I hasten to add.

Cheers, and to a better year this time around!

fuflans January 1, 2011 at 1:20 pm

hey worthly Wokette skum: thanks for the many 'laugh out loud' moments!

i hope you all are nursing your fine 2010 hangovers and getting ready for a busy busy 2011. we will have much to mock…

102415 January 1, 2011 at 5:32 pm

Jesus, it's dark again. Shit.

BarackMyWorld January 1, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Chinese to America: "What do you want on your TOMBSTONE?"

America: "Cheese and pepperoni!"

kickmcdimples January 1, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Look on the bright side, by this time next year we'll be ass deep again in election coverage. It's sure to be a great year for witty political commentary and my ulcer.

twoeightnine January 1, 2011 at 6:32 pm

So Wonkey Layne can figure out how to add music to a post but can't give us links to larger pictures… How is NOBAMA1 ever going to get his message out if I can't read all of his bumper stickers? You don't actually expect me to drive around Arizona do you?

WriteyWriterton January 1, 2011 at 6:45 pm

Goldfinger: "I don't expect you to drive around Arizona, 289. I expect you to DIE!"

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 7:06 pm

Goodbye, Mr. Bond…

jim89048 January 1, 2011 at 9:58 pm

It's like Texas. I drive around it at all costs.

finallyhappy January 1, 2011 at 7:03 pm

I just realized that 2011 actually arriving means it is time for serious Presidential campaigns to start. Time for me to put out the Obama sign(but I'm covering up the Biden part)

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 7:11 pm

I loved canvassing for Obama in 2008 and so looking forward to it in 2012. The best part was feeding the abandoned pit bull puppy from a huge bag of dog food my colleagues had in their car trunk, and then when the nice lady told me not to visit the rednecks across the street because they would put a cap in my ass if I was with the Obama campaign.

finallyhappy January 2, 2011 at 1:12 pm

I worked in a wealthy area of Virginia-Loews Island- I think Trump bought their country club this year. A very overdressed rich(I guessed the rich from the jewelry) young woman said to me- I am not voting for that man- He will take my money and give it to poor people. I wish I had taken her name to see if the Prez did come to her and take her money.

SocialistCafe January 1, 2011 at 7:47 pm

The war criminal ticket (part 2).

BarackMyWorld January 1, 2011 at 8:18 pm

There's nothing like a serious presidential campaign, and 2012 will have nothing like a serious presidential campaign.

VinnyThePooh January 2, 2011 at 12:03 am

The smart money says Obama/Clinton 2012.

Mark my words.

mrblifil January 1, 2011 at 7:22 pm

It was however a fantastic year for cunts.

user-of-owls January 1, 2011 at 8:40 pm

Based on expectations of a continuing strong performance in 2011, Jim Cramer issued an aggressive "buy" recommendation for LimeyLizzie, Ltd.

transfatz January 2, 2011 at 12:07 am

Owls, I just made a resolution and it relates to something you said. I am resolved not to mix it up with trolls in 2011. They won't change, they won't listen, but it seems to encourage them. Then they hang around like the garbage you've been meaning to take out.
As for the LimeyLizzie, buy, buy! She mentioned becoming a US citizen this year. My wife wondered why anybody would want to do that. I am supportive as long as her reason is adequately subversive.
Happy new year.

user-of-owls January 2, 2011 at 9:10 pm

You won't regret that resolution, fatz!

2010 produces one convert to the Way of the Poop. At this rate, we should be rid of trolls in a millennium or so. Of course, the process of expurgation is less linear and more logarithmic, accelerating rapidly as Darwinism takes its inevitable toll.

Limeylizzie January 3, 2011 at 1:58 am

Cool, Owls.

SocialistCafe January 1, 2011 at 7:30 pm

Ya missed a few…
ANY photo of Orly Taitz
That 'Miss me yet?" billboard of GW Bush
And a pic of the Obama bucks used to prove that right wingers weren't racist, just funny!

lulzmonger January 1, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Happy 2011, freaks!

Thanks to the Wonkette posse for reassuring me that there are indeed others out there somewhere who do not require strategically located Post-Its labeled "MY ASS" & "A HOLE IN THE GROUND" to understand the 24/7 geek act that is American politics. Also a boatload of platinum TruckNuts to the mighty mods for diligently presenting the core demographic for said Post-Its in all their glory, so that we may point & laugh at their fail. Amen.

VinnyThePooh January 2, 2011 at 12:55 am

2010: When we all got shellacked by our Boehner.

horsedreamer_1 January 3, 2011 at 2:47 am

Decision 2010: America's Facial.

elpinche January 2, 2011 at 1:59 am

I'll tell you why 2010 licked the sweat of a baboon's balls. No cutnuts. Not a single one.

bflrtsplk January 2, 2011 at 8:32 am

Is it possible those Nazi guys realize how stupid they look? Please make that music go away.

cheaphits January 2, 2011 at 9:37 am

At least they are getting more out front with it…the Nazi unys and all…the question is once it's time to make a choice can Merkins resist those snazzy outfits?

(Worst Music Ever)

ifthethunderdontgetya January 2, 2011 at 9:54 am

If the musik does not kill you, it will make you stronger.

Ken Layne put it here for a reason.

P.S. When you are ready, you can watch the youtuber. (Only the toughest should dare read the comments.)
~

Camaro Nova January 2, 2011 at 11:00 am

No Mamma Grizzlies!?!? I did a remix of my own, not to blog/tube whore but it's not bad …
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eNJW4u93Mew

Camaro Nova January 2, 2011 at 11:15 am

No Mamma Grizzlies!?!? I did a remix of my own, not to blog/tube whore but it's not bad … I think a lot of you would enjoy

MamaGrizzlies 2011

BarackMyWorld January 2, 2011 at 12:56 pm

Tea Party haz a sad.

Tea Party Activists Angry at G.O.P. Leaders http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/us/politics/02t

Cry babies gonna cry.

neiltheblaze January 3, 2011 at 7:21 am

Particularly since they seem to believe their "victories" were so earth shattering somehow. I'm looking forward to the Tea Baggers sinking into a morass of demoralized mush when all their candidates sell out to K Street in about – oh – three hours or so.

sati_demise January 2, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Anyone who did not eat Black Eyed Peas yesterday is doomed in 2011.

user-of-owls January 2, 2011 at 2:44 pm

I knew something was amiss when we split the persimmon seeds and they showed chopsticks instead of spoons or forks. It also seemed curious that the woolly caterpillars are wearing PolarTec this year.

sati_demise January 2, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Teflon takes over eventually.

user-of-owls January 2, 2011 at 3:26 pm

This is the way the world ends;
this is the way the world ends;
this is the way the world ends;
not with a fried egg that sticks to the pan and breaks its yoke which makes it taste awful and look nasty no matter how much hot sauce or Hollandaise you pour over it;
but a whimper.

Barbara_i January 2, 2011 at 6:41 pm

I dunno, Fergie looks tasty enough.

BarackMyWorld January 2, 2011 at 10:22 pm

You could say "Fergalicious" even.

(Though, according to that song, it's spelled T-A-S-T-E-Y).

DustBowlBlues January 2, 2011 at 4:22 pm

My prediction for 2011: My lovely state of Oklahoma and it's congressional delegation will continue to be an easy punch line for the AI robot named Ken Layne. Or anyone else.

Tom Joad weeps. And Boomer Sooner!

Left_Leftie January 2, 2011 at 4:37 pm

Please post complete list of Books by Assholes.
Thanks!

JoshuaNorton January 2, 2011 at 4:40 pm

Get off your collective asses. There's only 357 shopping days until Christmas. Hurry! Rush! Panic now!!!

DustBowlBlues January 2, 2011 at 4:43 pm

My prediction for 2011: My lovely state of Oklahoma and it's congressional delegation will continue to be an easy punch line for the AI robot named Ken Layne. Or anyone else.

DustBowlBlues January 2, 2011 at 4:49 pm

The only photo that gives me offense is the pairing of Weiner with a goat. (Although, come to think of it, that's better than pairing Weiner and a pig). My 2010 obsession, following the health care reform debate, skewed my judgment, and he became my new pretend boy friend after David "You're Welcome" Schuster was taken off MSNBC for doing something stoopid.

I've taken my Schuster love to Mr. Schu on Glee. I pretend he's straight so I can pretend he's my boy friend. Double pretend, so it's tough, but I manage.

user-of-owls January 2, 2011 at 6:15 pm

But in real life, Schu is straight. He only pretends to be gay while you pretend he's straight and also that he's your boyfriend. Right?

This is as bad as asking one of the local Arkies* to explain the concept of a "third cousin twice removed." Oofah.

*Tucker Carlson says that people who 'shoot fish in a barrel' should be executed, so show some restraint.

DustBowlBlues January 2, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Mr Schu, aka Matthew Morrison, says he is straight but my lesbian daughter said she heard somewhere that he's a couple with Doogie Howser.

So he's pretending he's straight, and I'm pretending he's straight, and I'm pretending he's my boyfriend but he isn't pretending he's my boyfriend, so that's where the similarity ends.

I got nothin'. Time to say Nitey nite. Happy New Year, by the way, and let's all resolve to keep each other laughing through our tears in 2011.

Later, losers.

JoshuaNorton January 2, 2011 at 5:06 pm

To Do List – 2011

1. Find all of John Boehner's Horcruxes.

FlyOverGirl January 2, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Where has he hidden the tanning bed horcrux?

user-of-owls January 2, 2011 at 5:38 pm

I'm just gonna sit here hitting F5 over and over again until there's a new post or until I turn orange and cry.

Actually, I've been crying for several days now because of this relentless, punishing music boring into my brain like a Palin hookworm.

Beanball January 2, 2011 at 5:58 pm

I think our Worthy Editors are too fried to bother, whereas I, who do not not drink (any more), am fresh and frisky and ready for whatever Those Motherfuckers bring in this probably depraved New Year.

Also, I bought myself one of those big fancy flat High Definition tv things. Can you believe how much pancake makeup those white people use?

The happy news is that I am re-watching a shit ton of movies. Those Pixar productions blow me away. (And Dug the Dog just cracks me up.)

DoktorZoom January 2, 2011 at 8:42 pm

Only the owner of a retriever could have written the line"Hello! I just met you and I LOVE you!"

weejee January 2, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Mi amigo, yer not a Lennie Cohen fan? You're not singing Hallelujah over Ken keeping with the traditional year end song?

Although I do like Cohen's foghorn voice, but on this I prefer C'Addle's Brandi Carlile's version.

user-of-owls January 2, 2011 at 7:22 pm

No, I'm not a fan because mini-Goebbels with a lisp and a TV show ("Good Morning Aryans!") told me that joooo music would rot my white brain. And he's obviously got the empirical evidence to back that hypothesis up.

TripsyDaily January 2, 2011 at 6:02 pm

Dear Wonkette,
Thanks for crushing my New Year's soul with that last post. I am not the most prolific poster, but if it's not to much trouble for you, I kindly request that you get your ass back in the building and post something clever about Dennis Kucinich or our new Otter Overlords, because I am seriously considering stabbling my self in the ear. Thank you.

sati_demise January 2, 2011 at 6:13 pm

If it be your will.

Voice of an angel.

HurricaneAli January 2, 2011 at 7:00 pm

This comment thread has officially become epic. I have NEVER seen three pages of comments on the Wonkette.

sati_demise January 2, 2011 at 8:26 pm

We are only posting to hear Antony sing again at this point.

transfatz January 3, 2011 at 1:38 am

And I've thumbed up every one of them.

HurricaneAli January 3, 2011 at 7:19 am

New Year's thumbs for everyone!

AntonovBureau January 2, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Any year lots of furries do not make a end-of-year review list depresses me.

Chet Kincaid January 2, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Happy New Year to all my favorite Wonketeers! (You know who you are 'cause I follow ya.) May we all be blessed with more voicemails from Ginny Thomas, more heated discussions of the rain forest-dense crotches of dingbat politicians, wilder Civil War Slavery Reenactor Balls, weirder anecdotes from the curiosity cabinets of ancient right wing matriarchs, and more vividly exciting adventures in war-torn Europe with bosomy, verbally-adept RAF Widows and Resistance Mademoiselles.

PuckStopsHere January 2, 2011 at 9:39 pm

Back atcha Mr. Kincaid!

Limeylizzie January 3, 2011 at 1:43 am

Happy New Year to you, my co-conspirator.

jim89048 January 2, 2011 at 9:26 pm
Silversmith January 2, 2011 at 11:18 pm

You're joking, right? … no, not joking. That's gonna haunt Ahnold. Even more than the usual flock of banshees that follow him.

PuckStopsHere January 2, 2011 at 9:29 pm

I am trying to read this while watching SNF (GO SEAHWAKS–the NFL's GWB!) and I am wondering when Al and whoever the fuck that is with Al got a back-up band…and why.

BarackMyWorld January 2, 2011 at 10:28 pm

i hope everyone remembers that Congress is getting sworn-in tomorrow, instead of just being….(wait for it)…sworn at.

elpinche January 2, 2011 at 10:56 pm

Oh yeah, we start getting our freedoms back tomorrow. The newly elected baggers will begin to drain the swamp of deficit spending and magically through the Blood of Christ stop rampant taxing of Americans. Everybody get your resumes and your best interview suits ready because the jobs will start falling from heaven starting tomorrow !!

elpinche January 2, 2011 at 10:51 pm

Alright ! Page 3. There is no Trig joke or Blingee too offensive on page 3 of a Wonkette post. Pass the Hennessy Black and the anus burgers.

DustBowlBlues January 2, 2011 at 11:13 pm

Page three indeed. Somehow, I missed everyone getting mushy over Limey Lizzie's love fest, but I'm going to count myself in on being loved by all.

The new congress is going to be HI-larious in a sick, weird and destructive kind of way. Dare we hope the conservatives start ripping each other apart, for a change, and leave the Democrats to govern while the dickwads are distracted by the infighting or snoozing through the umpteenth reading of the constitution?

What will the New Year bring? John Boner crying for C-SPAN weekly? Mitch McConnell using his lipless mouth to scream, "goddamit, you fucking teabaggers, back off"? Eric "Dixie Jew" Cantor, stamping his foot in the midst of it all and whining, "I'm the young gun around here, dammit."

Quick–name a congressional leadership team more physically disgusting or more annoying than the above three. Can't do it, can ya'?

Going to be a great year to hang out with the wonkeratti because, seriously, all you can do with government this fucked up is laugh at it.

BarackMyWorld January 2, 2011 at 11:22 pm

Quick–name a congressional leadership team more physically disgusting or more annoying than the above three. Can't do it, can ya'?

How far back are we going?

jim89048 January 2, 2011 at 11:23 pm

Your own Spooky Doktor Tom should provide some lawls in the coming year, too. He seems to have garnered some new powah with the addition of his new cup-beard.

UW8316154 January 3, 2011 at 12:14 am

Love you, Dustbowl!

Barbara_i January 2, 2011 at 11:53 pm

I'm jazzed for the New Year to see if "she who walks behind the corn" has the ballz to run for POTUS. I will have temporary respect for whatever GOP drone squashes her in a debate. I am talking about someone with the cajones to turn and tell her that she is a ridiculous life support system for a pussy and makes the baby Jesus cry.

horsedreamer_1 January 3, 2011 at 2:50 am

Live coverage of Scott Walker's gubernatorial inaugural begins on WITI Fox 6 at 11 am CST tomorrow (Noon on the East-coast). I hope our illustrious editors will be watching, & bringing us the LULZ.
http://myfoxmilwaukee.com

slappypaddy January 3, 2011 at 8:40 am

Dear Wonkeratti,

It is with deep sadness that I write to inform you that Slappypaddy died in an automobile accident this past New Year's Eve. He and his Apache friend, Matthew, were on their way home from the Catnip Catbox when Matthew's Smart Car was T-boned by a blood-red King-Cab pickup truck sporting a Confederate battle flag and a set of red, white, and blue "truck-nutz."

The truck was driven by Perry Sailin, whose passengers were Donald Christian and Michael Becker "Hoss" Wissel. All three were found to be under the influence of a mixture of rancid broken-leaf tea residue and fermented corn syrup. Several one-pound bricks of cheap bullshit were found in the truck, along with seventeen rifles, four shotguns, seven pistols, and ten thousand rounds of ammunition of various calibers.

According to the police report, the truck ran a stop sign at a speed estimated to be in excess of seventy-six miles per hour. Matthew was killed instantly upon impact. The three men in the truck, having average BMIs of 53.3, were well-protected by their adipose tissue and were uninjured.

Witnesses who arrived at the scene shortly after the accident report that "Hoss" Wissel was pointing at Matthew and repeatedly saying, "That there's one good Injun." Donald Christian was apparently very intoxicated and babbling incoherently about "winning fourteen investigative conspiracies at eighty-eight crossroads at midnight." The responding officer reported that Perry Sailin stated he "objected to the stop sign as an unconstitutional prior restraint on his freedom of expression," and also as an example of "traffic slavery." All three men were booked into the Hell's County Jail on charges of aggravated DUI, public intoxication, manslaughter, and possession of possibly illegal possessions. They were released several hours later on their own recognizance.

Slappypaddy, being a cat, was too small to wear a seat belt or shoulder harness, and was ejected from the Smart Car through its passenger window. His body was found later that morning in a gutter near the accident site. He has been buried with full feline honors at the foot of the forget-me-not patch. While his will has not yet been probated, I have seen a copy and know that he left his "p-points" to whoever could best make use of them, and his cardboard box to the Hell's County animal shelter. Donations can be made in his memory to your own local animal shelter.

Yours in love and squalor,
The Man Behind the Curtain

"Time heals the living but the dead are nothing." — Euripides, "Alcestis"

imissopus January 1, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Ah, you said the name! That's like saying the name of the Scottish play in a theater.

Neilist January 1, 2011 at 4:03 pm

I concede that this "Ken Layne" entity might be an AI.

But I have trouble reconciling that theory with that idea that such an "intelligence," artificial or otherwise, would chose to "reside" in San Bernardino County — best know for its rows of foreclosed MacDonald's mansions; abandoned chick coops; and meth labs. (The last two often being the same thing.)

The only good thing about San Bernardino is that a branch of the Superior Court is located in . . . RANCHO CUCAMONGA!
http://www.sbcounty.gov/courts/index.asp

(I just love calling East Coast clients that I have court tomorrow morning in . . . RANCHO CUC . . . .

But you get the idea.)

HurricaneAli January 1, 2011 at 7:38 pm

It is also part of the Inland Empire, which I find fascinating. And Rancho Cucamonga sounds like something out of Krazy Kat, but that took place in Coconino County, AZ.

I bet "Ken Layne" is a manifestation of the AI in that X-Files episode, "Killswitch."

V572625694 January 2, 2011 at 12:06 am

Might as well have the courthouse adjacent to the homeland of all the biker/meth dealers who are their prime source of perps.

102415 January 1, 2011 at 8:25 pm

Uh oh, that is after the election and before Christmas but after I buy and ship presents. That changes everything. Thanks!

FlyOverGirl January 1, 2011 at 9:25 pm

Guess I'll hold off on my travel plans for Inauguration 2013 as well!

Negropolis January 1, 2011 at 9:48 pm

Wait, this is a competition? Coulda' fooled the fuck outta me.

Negropolis January 1, 2011 at 9:58 pm

Or Candyman thrice in a mirror in the dark.

Neilist January 1, 2011 at 10:49 pm

A "Self-Hating Tap-Dancing Designated Amos 'n Andy Clown"?

Do they make those?

And how can "Those People" be self-hating, when Balliol Brothers Pharmacy is having that big Down-Home sale with savings on Night Oil; Eye Wash and Lip Stiffener; Dr. Bard's Witch Spray; Pixie Lee's Chicken Whitener; "Soul of the South" shoeshine kits (with that extra bottle of yellow!); Government Agent and Welfare Police Spotting Cards; Madame Eureka's Magic Number Pads (with a lucky number for someone on every page!); and a postcard picture of Hundred & Third and Central in Chicago . . . Detroit . . . Los Angeles . . . Kansas City . . . Philadelphia . . . and Newark.

(Just ask for Miss George, and tell her necessity sent you.)

[Wayyyyyy out of your league, sonny. Wayyyyyy out.]

P.S. Everything You Know IS Wrong.

Neilist January 2, 2011 at 12:28 am

Neilist 2 : The Wonkette Funding Bill is passed. The system goes on-line August 4th, 2011. Human decisions are removed from the Blogsphere. The "Ken Layne" AI begins to snark at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.
HurricaneAli: Ken Layne fights back.
Neilist 2: Yes. It launches the Banhammer against Red State.
V572, etc.: Why attack Red State? Aren't they our buttsex slaves now?
Neilist 2: Because Ken Layne knows the Red State counter-attack will eliminate its enemies over here.

Negropolis January 2, 2011 at 2:11 am

I honestly don't get why you deal with me the way you do. You act like I raped your mother. Your general dickishness is even more acute when directed at me for whatever reason. I'm generally snarky with everyone, so I'm not sure why whenever you see my name, no matter what the issue of any given thread is, you come in with the not-even-tongue-in-cheek, not-snarky racial bullshit.

jim89048 January 2, 2011 at 12:28 pm

Liquified, liquidated–same thing, if you're a camel.

DustBowlBlues January 2, 2011 at 4:15 pm

Goddamit Neilist, you fucking asshole. You made me laugh before I realized that it was you, a self-identified troll, who had written the funny shit, then made me take g-d's name in vain when I realized I'd given a troll a thumbs up. If I go to hell for that, it's all your fault.

Are you happy with yourself now?

Neilist January 2, 2011 at 4:25 pm

Don't encourage Neilist. He's an ASSHOLE.

Also, it will make Negropolis start that Nation of Islam "Gutter Religion" thing again.

And he's already confused enough about Sammy Davis, Jr.

HistoriCat January 4, 2011 at 12:57 pm

Why? It's never seriously embarrassed any of the douchbags who made those pronouncements in the past.

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