How many days until Christmas? Just 358 days! Oh man, next Xmas is gonna punish, especially if we get Mike Huckabee’s dream gift, which is a box of 1,000 copies of his Xmas book, signed by Jesus and pooped out by reindeer over Iowa. Thanks to “Kevin H.” for the funny bookstore picture.
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{ 53 comments }
Huckabee is the man who came third in the Republican vote behind Henghhh and Mittens.
What else need be said?
Edit: Down voted instantly. Someone here is in a bad mood, or there's a -p bitch in action, or I'm not as funny as I thought I was – but that simply cannot be true.
Edit 2: Ha HA! Fists are up and down like a whore's drawers.
I think Briefart set his goons on us because Wags escaped.
Kinda makes you miss the good old days, when "political dirty tricks" meant wiretapping, election fraud, and high-level character assassination. Or real assassination, for that matter. Now the Breittards feel that voting down liberals' blog comments is a significant blow for the conservative movement.
What's behind Santa's beard? Another fist.
In fairness, he stayed in the race longer than Romneybot and ended up with slightly more delegates (like 6 or 7) somehow after he was already mathematically eliminated from the competition.
Makes a good doorstop and if you need to, you can use it to choke a dog.
I think I saw Cesar Millan doing that last night. He had it tied to a tennis racket.
♫♪I was reading Mike Huckabee's Xmas Book
In the back of teh dirty book store…♪♫
I'd rather eat a 358 day old fruitcake than waddle in to a Christmas with the Huckabees. Or any holiday for that matter. Anyone noticed that the right wing theocracy has managed to co-opt them all?
And it appears as though the right wing theocracy is also stealing our upfists, which, really, when you think about it, makes some sense.
They must do something with the fists – I wonder what.
Downfisting is for losers. Upfisting on the other hand……er, upfisting on the same hand, no, oh forget it.
Oh they're after the pee alright, just can't admit they love the golden shower and thus must sneak and take when we're not looking.
I like the fists, but I don't do them too much, cuz it makes my hand smell.
Look, I heard my last version of the fucking 12 Days of Christmas less than a week ago. I'm not going through that again until next October! There isn't enough spiked Egg-Nog in the world to get me through it any earlier.
Come, they told me, barrup-a-bup bum
The Huck loved Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his speedo was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his brain was two sizes too small.
He'd eat! And he'd eat!
AND he'd EAT! EAT! EAT! EAT!
And the more the Huck thought of that big holiday-Buffet
The more the Huck thought, "I must, um, celebrate, (in fact ruin) this whole thing!
"Why for fifty-five years I've gone run with it now!
I MUST continue Christmas coming!
…But HOW?"
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE HUCK
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Huck gurgled in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Hucky trick!
"With this book and this spam, I've just shit on old Saint Nick!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Huck,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Huck put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow…
But the sound wasn't happy!
Why, this sound sounded angry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS angry! VERY!
He stared down at US America!
The HUCK popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
And what happened then…?
Well…in US America they say
That the Huck's giant ego
Shrank three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He barfed up his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the funds! And no more food for the feast!
And he…
Saw Palin winning the 2012 GOPer nom!
With deepest apologies to Dr Seuss.
Happy New Year, Wonkette bastards and bitches.
Are you going to apologize to all of us for the mental image of Huck in a speedo?! Thanks a lot, Manchu.
A too-tight one, no less.
You're welcome. Now you have more reason to drink tonight.
That was a good one, Manchu.
just fabulous.
Awesome! I won't have to buy rolling papers for a loooooong time!
Keep the "Huck" in "Hucksterism"!
Why do the Conservakooks always attack the evil mainstream media and then trumpet that they are New York Times Bestselling Author?
Even better. Why do the right wing GOPers care what a bunch of east coast libruls care about their tome? Why are they not trumpeting reviews from the Des Moines Register and such.
Sorry to kill the funny, but isn't the Des Moines Register kind of a solidly leftist paper?
Because even the dumbest goon out there still recognizes "New York Times" as having some cachet, even though the righties consider it the antichrist, cause Rupert doesn't own it yet. That and there isn't as much cachet in "As seen in Manure Digester Technologies Quarterly".
Having worked for a book store/local publisher, it was interesting to see how much sway the local paper had on sales.
Manure Digester Technologies Quarterly: a Division of World Net Daily
Because hypocrisy is their middle name. The gummint doesn't work, so elect me to the gummint! It's po' folk who need the tax break, so give a tax break to the rich! Jeebus is all about love and tolerance, so hate hate hate in the name of Jeebus!
And I thought Mike's book would have been Reindeer I Have Eaten and other stories of the North Pole. (Such as fucking a Walrus takes tact and lots of herring). Reindeer takes longer to cook in the pop corn popper than squirrel does, but it is more tasty.
Hey…you're forgetting all the roadkill venison and Opposum that sustains one living in Arkansas…I'm calling yer redneck credentials into question. Also, does anyone but me think there might be some connection between this steaming pile of shit being published and 10,000 Blackbirds suddenly dying over Arkansas? Or maybe the cause was just a simultaneous breaking of wind by all the real 'Merikans living there…birds got caught in the noxious, global warming causing updraft.
Hate to find out what they're feeding those reindeer.
Venison jerky?
The greatest book of all time: "How I Ruined Michele Bachmann at X-mas Time" by Gore Vidal. One of my Favs.
We could stuff a funnel down Mikeabee's throat, force-feed him, and turn his liver into pate. Or we could, you know, just impotently talk about it?
Who's with me? Who's. With. Me??!!!!!!! [runs out of room]
Another left-wing program forced down a Real American™ throat.
Is there any other kind of left-wing program, throatwardly speaking?
“forced down our throats” is how Repubicans say “democratically enacted”.
More generally, "forced down our throats" is how Republicans say "mmffggghh."
Does the fat kid kill and eat the dog in this one?
Which fat kid?
All of them, Katie.
It's a little known fact that Mike Huckabee was born on Christmas Day and in the year 0.
Some people feel strongly that we should change the popular name to Mikemas.
"signed by Jesus and pooped out by reindeer over Iowa."
Did any hit Grassley in the ass?
I've heard this book has gone one step further than scratch and sniff. Presenting Huckabee's Lick and Taste Can't Wait Till Christmas Book. This is one book you don't want to get from the library.
I thought the Xtine O'D's Pop Up, Scratch and Sniff with Flossing Pubes Fun was the worst book ever.
…And I can't wait for the Huckster's massive coronary thrombosis.
Now, it time for the other Fox-funded Dominionatrix to poop out a illustrated Christmas tome…
Easy target. This "Kevin H." sounds like a real smart-ass douche.
My views on the Huckster have negatively evolved over time: in 2008 I thought he was initially the most formidable GOP candidate what with his whole niceguy image and slight differentiation from the Bush line (thank god he let his wingnut show a bit too much) to now where I classify him with the same intense disdain of Dick Cheney (after he compared people like me to broken down cars and burned out houses while being one of the few wingnuts to take a hard stance in favor of the pre-existing condition denial). Now to me he's just another scumfuck like that war criminal or that grifter bitch Palin.
Edit: Before my injury I was definitely not one of those conservatives who are conservative until their own misanthropic views being applied fucks them over and turns them liberal…the experience just made me more liberal. Now I'm slightly to the left of Anarcho-syndicalism ideologically speaking, even beyond Libtardia…thanks insurance companies (and political whores in bed with you) for giving me more reasons to despise you
By the way…I don't agree with the "pro-life" stance of many in the Catholic church but at least I can respect the ones who actually walk the walk: anti-war, anti-death penalty and pro-universal health care and unions. People like this fat fucker drive me insane, they say they are pro-life while roundly supporting war and torture, the death penalty and the right of insurance companies to say "don't get sick or die quickly" in the name of uber profits; fucking hypocrits.
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