If someone tries to tell your editor this is how backyards are supposed to look in the desert, then think about it for a second: Why are you living in a desert? Those aren’t for people. This is a prison yard. With enough space for her to round up some illegals with a citizen’s arrest and teach them what she remembers of how to jungle-ape dance. And for that baby to be whipped until it digs up a source of oil. [Trulia house listing]
THE END OF DREAMS
December 30, 2010
Bristol Palin’s House Features a Full Prison Yard
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{ 99 comments }
That depresses me just looking at a photo. I'm so happy for her. She deserves it.
Here's a video of how some might have wished to see Buffalo Bristol dance –
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nD51tO7r-4c
Dancing with the stars in Argentina, Taniec z gwiazdami argentyna HOT, HOT, HOT
When I lived in the desert(Vegas) we liked our sodded yards w/sprinkler systems. Prison yards, not so much.
All it needs is an hibachi and a few rusty washing machines, and it'll look just like home.
And don't forget the obligatory El Camino up on blocks.
And none of them hippie fat Al Gore trees in it, neither.
~
She's finally realized her true calling: Queen of the LaBrea Tar Pits.
More like Queen of the Maricopa Gravel Pits.
Interesting: the Google view – teh Google view for Interwebz-savvy Wonketteers – is uninformative. an overhead view – and not very close in – without a street view.
As uninformative as anything Snowbilly Grifter's ever said. Ever.
Gravel yards make excellent:
-maiming surfaces for under swing sets
-litter boxes for feral cats
-thermal absorbers
-etc.
Something for Todd's mouth when he mumble tawks.
Now, fill it with Filipino lifers synchronized dancing to Michael Jackson and you've got something!
I tried to talk the baristas at one of the local coffee-chains into getting together, the various & sundry coffee-slangers, in the parking-lot of the roasting facility/flagship venue, & do the Dougie en masse. Put it up on YouTube, I said, & it'll be the first big thing of 2011.
Sadly, the coffee-slanger scoffed.
I think they gotta pass the scoffin' test before they get hired.
Bad for you.
Good for rest of universe.
Isn't that the set of the Sean Connery film, "The Hill"?
Needs more sand.
Coach Mike Singletary built a Hill for the 49'er's training camp.
After going 5 – 10 he was fired.
The gravel yard is because growing grass uses tons of fresh water. The cement walls keep snakes and other animals out.
Oops! I meant the gravel is to remind her to vote for Mike Gravel. If he moves to AZ. The drab, enclosing walls are to remind her of Mom.
This. So much poorly aimed snark in this one. Silly Wonketteers.
Plenty of room for mom's trailer.
And a shed to house the RNC purchased clothes.
And their Nazi gold. Also.
Hey, it comes with the wall to keep the reporters who keep spying on Bristol in her paranoid Palin imagination out already! Todd won't have to build one.
Almost as inhospitable as the site for World Cup 2018, Qatar.
I had a layover in the Doha, Qatar airport once. Unfortunately, I was too dazed from my usual "take some Xanax then drink until I pass out" flight procedure to really remember anything but all the security. And the sand. So much sand.
2022. Russia's got 2018. Look for exotic poisonings of the home team's opponents and a shirtless Vladimir Putin presenting the trophy.
Polonium-210 will be voted to the best XI of the tournament, at centreback.
What a lovely prison yard to have your wobbly little toddler children play in.
I wonder if Levi will be stopping by to play "escaped convict and warden's wife?
He's going to jump her in his orange prison jumper.
Remember what George said in that episode of "Seinfeld" where he falls in love with a convict~
"You know what's better than make-up sex?"
"No, what?"
"Fugitive sex."
Christ…I've seen walmart parking lots that were more inviting.
A true American would irrigate the fuck out of that, until the water cascades out into the street.
Little Tripper will quickly learn not to fall down in the gravel pit.
I admire your optimism.
Needs a Gigantic Zen Garden Rake. And a couple round teabaggers to pose as stones.
…and Sideshow Bob as the security guard?
She'll mow her 'yard' and break the neighbors windows.
When you're an hard-ass worker, you have to break a few eggs.
God I hate neighbors who won't trim their hedges.
Is that a Christine O’Donnell excessive hair joke?
Ah, welcome all you elitist easterner Wonketeers to the glories of Xeriscaping, a phony classical-sounding name for the attempt to make a desert tract home look like something besides a terrible land use mistake. At its best, with the right plants and washed river rock of varying sizes and colors, it's almost bearable in a Zen-garden sort of way.
Wait til Bris installs a backyard jacuzzi. It'll be like her very own Bathsheba bath, all set up and waiting for some King David to come over and fornicate with her.
This is why you just straight-up fucking do not live in the desert, unless you were the damn Pueblo Indians.
You just visit occasionally to admire the pretty, undisturbed arid rocky wilderness, which is much more so because you aren't fucking it up by living there. Maybe do some hiking.
Funny thing about the desert: before humans start to mess with it, it's beautiful. As soon as you put one little Rubbermaid storage shed in the middle of it, it looks empty and desolate.
Yeah, that's it, hiking! Bristol's gonna do just a shitload of hiking!
Yeah she'll hike all the way out to the Hummer and drive to Taco Bell.
Or vice versa…
By "the right plants," you mean stolen cacti with ginormous needles, a few cute lil' "teddy bear" jumping cholla to lure the unwary closer, those gnarled little "shade" trees that the deadly variety of scorpions like to infest… Yeah! just what that yard needs!
Tripp will invite Trig to visit for the express purpose of Trig's being the front man in all play-in-the-"yard" activities.
That looks like a good scene for Mel Gibson to stage the crucification, for God's sake. Or for survivorman to eke out a living on tiny lizards for a week. Place is as empty and flat as Snowbilly's brainpan.
Look, this is an exact replica of the places where Bristle spent some of her happiest hours, the gravel parking lots of the local bars that let under age drinkers get sauced and tossed.
Good times…
Maybe the bleakness of the yard reminds her of the tundra? Or she will be too busy inside her love nest that she doesn't care what the outside looks like? I mean, she was fucking wildly when she lived with her mother, imagine what she will be doing now that she on her own and surrounded by swarthy Mexicans?
Her milkshake will bring all the boys to the yard.
Seeing as they cannot get with Juan Williams's obese white girlfriend — Juan & the Real Big Girl are exclusive — Bristol will be a nice second choice.
Sometimes I think this whole world is one big prison yard. Some of us are prisoners, the rest of us are guards.
Having lived in the frozen north until now, she is sure to enjoy the ambiance of a backyard barbecue on a sultry July evening there in the Phoenix area.
location, location, location.
Looks like a good exercise yard for her next boyfriend.
Aw, c'mon, it's a desert and it's Arizona, naturally they are going to build tall fences to keep the browns at bay.
Lived in Las Vegas during the late 70's/early 80's. It is absolutely soul crushing to look out and see nothing but brown day after day. This time of the year is the only time anything is green, and that's because of the scrub brush.
Jan Brewer also hates staring out the windows and seeing nothing but brown(s).
Needs moar litter.
It's about time we got a Gitmo West! #FeelingLeftOut
By the way, it's hilarious that there's an ad on this page for Chase – and they call it "freedom."
APOLOGY:
In a comment I made earlier in this thread, I typed in a Bob Dylan lyric without attribution. In order to avoid the fate the ESPN anchor encountered earlier today for the same offence, I have been forced by my lawyers to say the following: "I made a horrible mistake and I'm deeply sorry. I did not live up to my high standards or Wonkette's, I sincerely apologize for my sloppiness, especially to Bob Dylan, viewers and colleagues. In my 15 years in broadcast journalism, nothing like this has ever happened and I will make every effort to ensure it won't happen again."
Seriously? You need to attribute Bob Dylan? Why? He doesn't.
(no, no, no, it ain't me, dave…)
worth noting that our robbie zimmerman was poaching poets from all centuries for his whole career…
looking to put the whole thing to eternal rest by recording desperate zombie-christmas album, that actually calcifies furry boomer olds right in their snuggies … dylan scores a stately, plump, mulligan.
Ahemp.
God Bless You, metamarcisf -115p.
I pray that this heartfelt apology of yours results in Our Father raising your p-ness quotient to -114, at least.
~
At least somebody finished the dang wall! I hope somebody leaves bottled water out there for the Messicans trying to cross that forbidding landscape.
Well, no, not quite. Needs broken glass and piano wire along the top, like in Tucson.
Too bad her uterus wasn't as barren as that yard. She wouldn't still be carrying that extra 75 pounds of baby weight around….
Perfect spot for Tea Party Rallies and Prayer Meetings. Neighbors won't dare complain.
All it needs for the trus desert ambience is a couple of headless bodies.
It's perfect: she can let all her illegitimate babies (present and future) just mozy about the place unattended, untroubled by worries that they might wander off into the desert and expire from heat stroke or get eaten by a gila monster.
Brees milshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like "It's better than your's." Damn right, it's better than your's, she'll teach you'll but of course she'll have to charge (because she's a Palin).
Oh, almost forgot…
"Leave Bristol alone! You're just mad and jealous that she's a hard ass-worker, and you aren't."
Give her a break, it will be much more colorful once Sheriff Joe R. Piehole stocks the facility with fifteen or twenty convicts in pink jumpsuits. Naturally, she will be compensated for the expense of housing prisoners; all strictly legal, Maricopa County style. Word has it she has requested all sex offenders; college should be a broadening experience.
Cue child-eating trampoline in 3…2…
Oh no, that crazy decomposed granite (gravel in the rest of the U.S.) attracts bark scorpions like the nobody's business. Our house (North Phoenix) was surrounded by a sea of decomposed granite and desert trees. One summer I managed to dispatch 124 of those little devils using a black light and a cheap can of bug spray from the .99 cent store.
Chances are pretty good Lil Tater will be found in respiratory arrest somewhere near the Rubbermade shed (meth lab) with one of those nasty scorpions stuck to his tongue. No doubt Bristol will be too busy doing the Cha Cha Cha out on the front drive for the neighborhood boys to notice the screams of her melon headed child / brother. Oh yeah, this type of yard also attracts black widow (spiders) and rattlesnakes.
Welcome to Phoenix, Bristol. The Teabaggers will be at your beck and call. Just toss a few extension cords out the window so they can recharge their Hoverounds and Jitterbug cell phones.
+1 for the "melon headed"….
"Decomposed granite"? Thank you for the edumacation. That is a marketing term of art that way surpasses "river pebbles" (aka, fucking rocks).
…This beautiful 4000 square foot home boasts pride of ownership in every way–from the ultramodern kitchen with tile backsplash, recessed lighting, and upgraded maple cabinetry to the desert landscaped backyard featuring a bunch of fucking rocks.
No, it actually is decomposed granite, you can crush it and it will crumble. A bit different then pea gravel. They pull it out of a quarry north of Phoenix.
Quite honestly, it looks too big to be decomposed granite. I'm pretty sure it's standard 1" Apache Brown or Saddleback Brown landscaping rock or something similar. (Unfortunately I live in AZ and am familiar with fucking rocks.)
You could be right about that, it is pretty big. Perhaps we should meet at Bristol's new digs and figure out what kind of fucking rocks the landscaper used. I'll bring the goat for the barbecue and you can drive the monster truck.
I feel a strong bond with anyone who lives in this shit hole and can still maintain a sense of humor.
Even after living here for an undisclosed amount of years, I still maintain that I am from southeastern PA…
Also–won't goats and trucks attract Messicans? How would that work?
A prison yard is an understatement, it's more like a heavy security prison compound!!
ookisa
Perfect for Penal County.
This could be the ideal prison for Christine O'Donnell. Caged Vixens 2012!
In keeping with the metamarcisf attribution standard, caged vixens is from "Red Meat"
It's still an improvement over Alaska's Bible Belt, the Mat-Su Valley, and Wasilla, also too.
Bristol will now be on the front lines with all the Minute Men – which will remind her of Levi and all their minutes of passion.
This is what happens when you kick out all the Mexican gardeners.
Looks like a great place to host a local militia entertainment event for the troops fresh off the battlefield of confronting the central amerikans who want to come here and have the ankor beebees. All she has to do is build a stage, put on a suggestive outfit, and dance and sing…excuse me, I have to throw up.
Don't pry apart my knees, Arizona.
La nueva Evita !!
El pollo loco !
/Uhm yeah I can kinda taste the throwup too.
That semi-circle curb along the far wall used to outline a statue of the Virgin Mary. Where'd it go?!!
Tsk, Tsk.
That back yard shudda been left as the original virgin Nevada Prarie composition of loose tan dust and sand. .
All those hard rocks pack real tight and your basic shovel just stops dead. make it impossible to dig a quick grave for your ex-boyfriend in the middle of the night.
Just sayin'.
Poking away at this lovely, tubular sausage is starting to feel a bit like last year's barbecue.
Give us some grotesque closeups of Messrs Aryan-Jawbone-Thune, Big-House-Massah Bob McDonnell, or maybe Haley "Jim Crow" Barbour.
Wonketizens demand new contestants.
(but any santorum or macaca throwback will do, and let's hound that Joe Miller idiot the way he's litigated his own post-career…. maybe he's interested in some reverse-acorn connivery…)
Go wonketards,& happy new year. Oh yeah, keep the joementum.
In all fairness, she thought she was moving to a place with a dessert yard.
I'm just shocked that it's not a lot of green grass and oak trees kept alive in the desert by 24/7 sprinklers fed directly from the Colorado.
I came out of hiding to share this with my fellow Wonkebators–
The reason her backyard looks like shit is because developers threw the ugly shitboxes known as suburban homes up so fast that they didn't bother doing anything to the backyards.
And, recent Arizona transplants, afraid of that big yellow-orange thing in the sky, never, ever, EVER go the fuck outside, so any landscaping they might pay an illegal immigrant to do only dies after they vote to deport said illegal immigrant.
So don't call the miserable pit she lives in a Phoenix suburb. Glendale is a Phoenix suburb. Scottsdale is a Phoenix suburb. Tempe is its own damn city with its own damn suburb.
This place– called Cass-a Grand-ee by the residents because trying to pronounce something in Mexican might make them Soshulist– well really all I can say about that place that hasn't already made apparent, is, fuck that place with a million spiky poisoned rat dicks.
She'll hum out to the hiker?
She'll give a hiker a hummer?
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