mental disorder origin stories

Michele Bachmann Worked For Jimmy Carter, Was Ruined By Gore Vidal

Jimmy Carter blows it again.Michele Bachmann opened up to a gathering of Michigan Republicans on Tuesday about her shameful, Jimmy Carter-loving past. “I was a reasonable, fair-minded Democrat. And another secret you need to know: My husband and I met in college. We worked on Jimmy Carter’s presidential campaign. It’s true, it’s true. This is like a 12-step meeting here today, you know that.” Say it isn’t so! What a disgusting secret! You have to kill like 50,000 Muslims to absolve a sin like that! (Check.) So what happened? “I was reading this snotty novel called ‘Burr,’ by Gore Vidal, and read how he mocked our Founding Fathers.” And then Alexander Hamilton sank his teeth into her, releasing founder venom that turned her into a super-dooper Constitution protector.

I didn’t realize until I went off to college one day — this is the honest to God truth — I was going off to college, and I was reading this snotty novel. It was written by Gore Vidal, and I was maybe like a junior in college, or — yeah, I think was maybe a junior in college. […]

And as a reasonable, decent, fair-minded person who happened to be a Democrat, I thought, ‘You know what? What he’s writing about, this mocking of people that I revere, and the country that I love, and that I would lay my life down to defend — just like every one of you in this room would, and as many of you in this room have when you wore the uniform of this great country — I knew that that was not representative of my country.

And at that point I put the book down and I laughed. I was riding a train. I looked out the window and I said, ‘You know what? I think I must be a Republican. I don’t think I’m a Democrat.’

But then, somehow, she didn’t become merely a moderate Republican. Just because she thought Gore Vidal said something mean about some very dead guys, she became the most insane one of all.

So if we send her something a conservative wrote mocking the founding fathers, she will instantly become a communist Alan Grayson? Sounds entertaining.

Or maybe it will unsettle that brain of hers so much she goes and stabs Jimmy Carter whilst belting out an aria of insanity. So on second thought, maybe it’s a bad idea. [TPM]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. slithytoves

    Amazingly, when I went to college, I became a Democrat. And then I got even more education and became a liberal, heaven forfend.

    She must have gone to Oral Roberts.

      1. slithytoves

        Man, I was joking, but now I get it. Don't buy fireworks for the death of religion yet, people; you don't need a majority, you only need commitment.

      2. PresBeeblebrox

        Wait. LLM in tax law, former tax attorney for the US Treasury in US Tax Court, receives a quarter million a year in crop subsidies, probably got gubbmint munnies for her brood of foster children, not to mention her soshialist death panel gubbmint health insurance. Sounds like a good Republican to me.

    1. slappypaddy

      look closely at her words. she said she "was going off to college," she "was maybe like a junior in college," or zeroing in, she "was maybe a junior in college."

      she does not say she "was actually at and enrolled in a college–any kind of college," nor does she say she "was actually a junior in college."

      i submit, therefore, based on the careful and political slipperiness of her wording, coupled with a public record describable as "wingnutty," and underscored by the oft-times piercing, psychotic glare of her gaze, that the closest she ever got to a college was passing by one on a bus one day and daydreaming out the window how she, too, could be "like maybe a junior* in college."

      *junior because she couldn't be a freshman (they are men and fresh, and she has never been either), she couldn't be a sophomore (she doesn't know what it means, can't spell it, and it sounds like both "soft" and "more," words which, particularly in conjunction, her inner child reviles), and she couldn't be a senior (they are old people), leaving her obviously a junior, as in "junior miss," which sounded vaguely enticing to her in those long-gone halcyon days.

      1. V572625694

        Check the link in my post above. Michele's a "graduate" of a law "school." That's why she had to ask Geithner under what authority he ran the Federal Reserve.

    2. Dr_pangloss

      Jebus is still hanging around the school in his 60ft tall incarnation. Oral keeps telling Him "the check is in the mail". Another thing only a ORU alum knows about 60ft tall Jebus, He goes "commando".

  2. user-of-owls

    I can't quite tell what part of her dialog is the loopiest. Is it that she apparently started college as a junior? Or is it that she is speaking to a roomful of veterans' corpses that "have" laid down their lives for the constitution?

    1. Come here a minute

      It's very sad that she was riding a socialist train — why wasn't she driving an SUV that daddy bought for her? Damn liberal parenting, that's why!

  3. SorosBot

    So the mean gay liberal's mockery made her turn Republican and hate gay people while marrying one of them; that's typical Bachmann-style insane troll logic.

  4. genxr

    What he’s writing about, this mocking of people that I revere, and the country that I love, and that I would lay my life down to defend — except instead I got a fifth deferment — just like every one of you in this room would, if you didn't have other priorities at the time, and as many of you in this room have when you wore the uniform of this great country in the Texas Air National Guard.


  5. V572625694

    Gore Vidal: is there anything you can't blame him for? Wish I could remember the exact passage in Burr when Davy Crockett says something like, "Well goddamn you all for a passel'a'Mexican cornholers!" I was already a LIEbrul by then, so found this mockery of an American holy man most entertaining!

  6. Pithaughn

    Maybe she became Republican by hot meat injection? Wink wink, nod nod, likes to sport around does she?

  7. DonnyKerabotsos

    How in fuck did she know that Gore Vidal was (is) a Democrat? And why did she assume that his 'snotty' book somehow was representative of all Democrats and the wider Democratic party?

    And why am I attempting to apply logic to the harping of a midwestern loon?

    1. genxr

      I didn't know it was required reading. Being a Democrat is complicated! I'm going to throw out all my books and just be a Republican. They don't gotta read shit!

  8. gef05

    What they published:
    "and I said, ‘You know what? I think I must be a Republican. I don’t think I’m a Democrat."

    What she said: "and I said, ‘You know what? I think I must be a wingnut stoner bitch who wants to piss in the open mouths of the dead because really, I'm this close to slitting my wrists and forming a covenant. I don’t think I’m a Democrat."

    1. Jason_inthe_Peg

      You know what they say:

      An ignorant, hate-filled, right-wing fucktard was once a fair-minded democrat that discovered they weren't smart enough to understand satire or get laid.

  9. DaSandman

    And apparently none of the smarts and compassionate worldview of the Nobel Peace Prize winning president and great humanitarian rubbed off on the stupid bitch

    She is literally the poster child for abortion on demand.

  10. BorderJumper!

    Oh, cause I'm sure Gore Vidal being gay and all had nothing to do with it. One witch article a day is as much as I can handle, Jack!

  11. SheriffRoscoe

    It was when she put the book down and laughed that she became a republican, but it was when she discovered the train's rhythmic vibrations could be strangely pleasant, that her crazy eyed look took hold.

  12. mavenmaven

    …And there was that time that I was watching Flip Wilson on the TV, and I didn't like one of his jokes, and realized at that moment that no Black person could ever Represent this Country I love so much, and when Bob Dylan started using electric guitars in his music I realized that….

  13. SexySmurf

    Good thing she didn't read the strap-on scene in Myra Breckinridge. Who knows what she would have become?

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Who knows, but with any luck nobody but the local PD vice squad would ever have had to deal with her. *Sigh*

  14. Redhead

    "and as many of you in this room have when you wore the uniform of this great country"

    She's either talking about those tacky flag bikinis or greatly confused about the audience…

  15. WriteyWriterton

    [snark off] Has she been appointed to chair any committee in the '11 House yet? If so, which?

    [snark on] There is so much wrong in every sentence MB utters that – oh, hell, never mind. Happy New-Wonkette-Year to all, and make mine a double. I need it. Come to think of it, just leave the bottle.

  16. JoeMamased

    Geez, I remember reading Burr in high school and realizing that the history we were being taught may not be exactly the truth, the whole truth, etc., and certainly not from the perspective of history's losers.

    But I'm not blaming Gore Vidal for making me a snotty liberal.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      I remember reading Burr and thinking, "Heh, this is kinda fun."

      But not as fun as the part in Pynchon's Mason & Dixon where George Washington is getting the surveyor boys stoned, along with with his stand-up comedian slave. Now there's some kinda revisionist history.

    2. WABishop

      See? If you had read the book and been repelled by the feeling of new ideas and novel points of view invading your brain, you would now be a Republican, a Tea Partier even.

  17. johnnymeatworth

    I notice she doesn't recount the time she tried to read Naked Lunch and ended up swigging Mugwump jism in Interzone….

  18. KochFembot

    That picture makes me think John Boehner doesn't like our Michele. Otherwise, he would show her how to properly spray on a tan.

  19. metamarcisf

    I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm buying the charisma. I'm ready to print the bumper stickers: "Michele Porkmann – 2012"

  20. Steverino247

    Well, she's certainly got the crazy eyes necessary to try to block entrance to health clinics. I used to escort people past the crazies and those eyes are a dead give away. Crazy eyes or sullen, dull looks, were all you got outside.

  21. gijoeice

    "that I would lay my life down to defend — just like every one of you in this room would, and as many of you in this room have when you wore the uniform of this great country"

    So she's speaking to a room full of Republicans and war dead?

  22. lochnessmonster

    She could still lay her life down for this country she loves so much and the Constitution by joining the military as they take anything breathing nowadays, only I think she'd be part of the 25% who can't pass the Army test.

  23. hooray4anything

    I could see her reading Harry Potter and decide she wanted to be a Death Eater because JK Rowling was a little too hard on them.

  24. Tundra Grifter

    Because I ordered a pair of tickets to the Bachmann/Palin concern in Minnesota (although I live in Califormia) I still get One-L Michele's emails.

    And she keeps asking for money. Over and over again.

    I read she raised some $11,000,000 – more than any other House candidate in the USofA. But that wasn't enough. She keeps asking for cash. And asking. And asking.

    You know, those free tickets just weren't worth it…

    1. slappypaddy

      "She keeps asking for cash. And asking. And asking."

      the obamites do the same thing. and they run the printing presses now, you figure they could take care of their own cash needs.

  25. HedonismBot

    "Or maybe it will unsettle that brain of hers so much she goes and stabs Jimmy Carter whilst belting out an aria of insanity. So on second thought, maybe it’s a bad idea."
    Jimmy Carter deserves better than that. But anything that gets Crazy Eyes in Guantanamo and out of our hair can't be all bad.

  26. twoeightnine

    It took her 3 years to read a book? I figured it would at least be 4.

    (She started reading it when she went "off to college" and finished it her junior year. No one goes off to junior year.)

  27. SaintRond

    Somebody might point out to that disgusting grifter bitch that Gore Vidal was one of the Marines who landed on Iwo Jima.

    1. JoeMamased

      Actually, it was Vidal's boyfriend who landed (and was killed) on Iwo Jima. Vidal, who enlisted, served on an Army freighter in the Aleutian Islands.

  28. HempDogbane

    "And at that point I put the book down and I laughed. I was riding a train. I looked out the window and I said, ‘You know what? I think I must be a Republican. I don’t think I’m a Democrat.’ "

    Franz Kafka, is that you?

  29. MistaEko

    This is just like my junior year. I took Fluid Dynamics only to find my textbook was gleefully shitting all over simple newtonian mechanics, a subject I loved so dearly. And I said to myself, "You know what, maybe I'm not an engineer. I think I'm actually a sociology major."

    Of course I'm not building your wastewater treatment plants (or am I?)

  30. mumbly_joe

    You know, nobody's pointed this out yet, but "reasonable, fair-minded" people don't complete rewrite their personal philosophy based on one book -pro or con- generally speaking. Randroids like Paul Ryan do, but that's what makes them terrible. Although, not as terrible as someone who *ahem* claims that they did a complete philosophical 180 because they perceived one particular novelist as mocking something that they valued. I know for a fact that things I care about* are routinely mocked by both liberals and conservatives, and the fact that liberals are typically not overtly vicious about it actually ranks pretty low on my list of reasons I'm a liberal. I know, big surprise.

    *Not revere, mind you, because revering real-world figures and issues is a hair's breadth away from mythologizing them, and conversely, is also called "idolatry", which I hear is blasphemous to certain world religions out there.

    1. Angry_Marmot

      What puzzles me most about Bachmann– after scanning her bio– is how someone can spend so much of her life working so hard against so many things, from light bulbs to Pell grants. It must be exhausting.

  31. zhubajie

    I had the opposite experience. I was raised Republican, voted for Nixon in '72 (from an aircraft carrier in the Tonkin Gulf). But as I got older and more experienced, I learned the Reps didn't want people like me and the Dems did. Nowadays, I'm an absurdist, writing in names like Captain Beefheart (RIP) and Long Dong Silver.

  32. SnarkoMarx

    This is no lie- listening to Gore Vidal speak and reading some of his essays was what moved me to the left initially years ago. I had the opposite reaction that ol' crazy eyes had. Come to think of it, I usually do.

  33. BarackMyWorld

    And that switch, like everything else she believes, came from a logical fallacy where she linked two things together in a way that makes no sense. Yes, her entire life for the last 30 years is based on a non sequitur. Oh, the stupid….how it must hurt….

  34. ttommyunger

    She liked goober-boy because she still had her looks back then and she could tell he lusted for her in his heart, and a little in his penis, too. Vidal, on the other hand, could never be tempted by her fetid netherparts, no matter how much she batted her eyes and licked her lips in his general direction and gave him that "You haven't lived until you've balled a completely certifiable nutjob" look.

  35. PublicLuxury

    Jack posted this at about 3:30 and I can't stop coming back to the photo again and agian to admire the sunglasses outline on her half tanned face. She looks like a real live teatard rectum. There. Now I will be able to rest.

  36. les_gvt

    heaven forbid any of you get out and snow ski, because then you too would have a wind burn on your face, and I won't dare suggest you get out of your carbon emission powered air conditioner during the summer to go water skiing

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      I don't know why I'm bothering to do this (actually, I do — I'm putting off some annoying work), but:

      1. Not windburn. Her lower face, neck, and right arm are all the same tan.

      2. That would be water-skiing behind the carbon emission powered, oil-polluting ski boat, would it?

      1. les_gvt

        Her face looks just like most of my families after the last few days at Ruidosa, running around on snowmobiles and snow skis.

        And where we live, we get all 4 liberals in the county to blow on the sail of our boat, to propel it while we ski. However, to get the boat to the lake, I do drive my 78 smoke belching 454 one ton dually with the BBQ going in the back

        I get 4.5 mph going downhill, the windows open and jammed into neutral- free wheeling- where I can.

        ps, every 30 min or so, we turn on the trolling motor to give them a break

        pps- now that i think about it, maybe i can hook the a/c motor to the boat, and make it go faster

      2. les_gvt

        Sorry- but with your moniker, I was laughing so hard, I had to write the other. I almost asked how many cans of Barbasol and how many Good News razors it takes to shave a whale

        I too am putting off annoying house work

    2. JoeMamased

      Um, what makes you think that photo was even taken during (snow) ski season? From her clothing and surroundings, looks like warm weather.

  37. elpinche

    “I was a reasonable, fair-minded Democrat…..until the nail gun accident. They said all 30 nails that my husband misfired penetrated my skull, but look at me now! "

  38. Negropolis

    I can't believe no one made mention of the fact that not only was she reading Gore Vidal and working on Carter's campaign, but the bitch was on one of them fancy, socialist Amtraks, you know, the devil's personal coach.

    And, woe is Michigan for hosting her. Apparently, out completely sane and liberal Republican governor-elect invited her to give teatarded street-cred to his Michigan GOP chairman pick, you know, the one who it was found how donated to the campaigns of just about every local Democratic politician in Detroit and Michigan…oh, and Nancy Pelosi and Al Gore, too. Snyder thought this was a good way to make-up for the fact that he thinks his base is bat-shit insane and easily fooled.

    1. HistoriCat

      Sorry I'm late to the party but "he thinks his base is bat-shit insane and easily fooled" – so you're saying he's Republican insider? Because I assume that applies to the Koch brothers, Rove, etc.

  39. Hera Sent Me

    I just love the "logic" involved:

    I'm X.
    Somebody else who's X says something I don't like.
    So I must not be X.
    Therefore I'm -X.

  40. JackalTalk

    Michele Bachmann is God's punishment on thinking people. Don't think! Maybe she'll go away. ;)

  41. twistin

    She talks "Northern".

    apart from that, she's a much smarter cookie than you lispers have ever seen up close.

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