the kids don't stand a chance

A Children’s Treasury of ‘GZ Mosk’ Activists Against Justin Bieber

Children need to know that tolerance is not okay.
Remember when those people opposed to the “Ground Zero Mosk” embarrassed our country over the summer, and then the international news media moved on? They didn’t, apparently, and now they have come to the next front in their epic battle to bring xenophobia to New York City: finding famous people who supported the right of Muslims to have that community center built, and boycotting them. Enemy number 1, according to their Facebook profile image: Justin Bieber. Now, according to Salon, Justin Bieber never actually said anything about the “mosk,” and the source seems to be a story on a fake news site. But that’s not important. What’s important is these people vacillating on Facebook between wanting Bieber dead and deciding to pray for him and Canada, that they too may one day hate Muslims.

“I informed them, ‘Hey guys, guess what? Justin Bieber spoke out for the ground zero mosque,” [community center opponent Andy] Sullivan explained to Salon in an interview. “My little girl took down his poster and said she didn’t want to have nothing to do with him any more. These are my kids, they’re living this thing.”

They are living this thing! Our future Nazi leaders, in action.

Let’s go to the Facebook comments!

Her avatar clues us in to the fact that she has very modern views.
Haha, this CHILD is so immature he has probably never even called a Muslim a mean name! Spending your time on Facebook opposing the theoretical construction of a single building in a city of skyscrapers thousands of miles away is how you act like an adult, you idiot!

Actually, a lot of periods!
Those Canadians just do not understand that you have to bomb Muslim countries and in turn get bombed by crazed Muslims. It’s called being a hero!

Jesus! Hey! Over here! There's a pop star in trouble!
Poor Canada, living peacefully and inclusively with its peaceful Muslim population for decades. Perhaps, if we let Jesus know, He will help them murder the Muslims in their sleep.

Also a target:
BECAUSE YOUR SISTER IS A BETTER, LESS MUSLIMY ACTOR.

Of course! And:
DON'T TALK TO THAT PIGPEN, CHARLIE BROWN! HE IS DIFFERENT FROM YOU!

These people are really good at planning things. Perhaps they can pull together a terrorist attack of their own in due time. Mazel tov! [Facebook/Salon]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
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155 comments

  1. WriteyWriterton

    Perhaps if we wave more Justin-Bieber-shiny-objects in their faces, they'll forget about our favorite Muslin/Commie/Nazi/Lizard Overlord?

    1. Redhead

      Oh, but didn't you see the mention of Nobamer up there? Apparently he's a child, just like Beeber, but most importantly OMGZ DARK PPLE IM SCARED HE MUST WANT TO BLOW ME UP!

      1. WriteyWriterton

        I just hope (Copyright 2008, BHO/Shepherd Fairey. All rights reserved.) they get so immersed in their thread-tangents that they forget the main point of their crazytalk. Like we do. Here.

        1. Redhead

          Eh. I would love it if they switched their target from Obama to Beiber… he just seems a little too white for them to do that (at least for long). Then again, he is Canadian (I'm assuming from all the hate/bomb/pray for Canada logic), which makes him a furriner, so you never know…

          1. GOPCrusher

            And being Canadian, he's obviously snuck over the border to take advantage of our fine for-profit healthcare.

          2. Negropolis

            He's not just a Canadian, but a Canadian emulating black America. I always feel awkward for him when I see him giving interviews in his most bestest, affected black accent.

  2. slithytoves

    Pray for Canada.

    That is the meme for my New Year. I think I'll put it in the signature of my work e-mail.

      1. JoeMamased

        I am boycotting your boycott and replacing it with Murder Canada, which is the logical follow-on to Blame Canada.

        1. gef05

          I am boycotting your comment and replacing it with a screen-scrape of Cynthia Holt's comments from Facebook.

    1. Chet Kincaid

      So many ways of interpreting that line! "Pray for Canada" to liberalize immigration from America. "Pray for Canada" to finally be noticed as an alternative way to live on this continent without fucking up everything. "Pray for Canada" to impose sanctions on America until Barack Obama, the unemployed and the un-health-insured are treated humanely. "Pray for Canada" to continue behaving more like the EU than the US.

  3. BarackMyWorld

    On the one hand, lies and xenophobia. On the other, less Justin Bieber fans. Do the ends justify the means? Decisions, decisions…

  4. CapeClod

    "Because I hate Muslims, I'm not going to watch fat people lose weight anymore on TeeVee!'

    My God. Such outrage is sure to be heard.

  5. sportshort

    The 'Merican flag really should have some mean streaks running alongside those stripes. Dumb, ugly means streaks, smeared on with stupid pudgy fingers.

      1. slappypaddy

        be that as it may, today, for the first time, i availed myself of the modern now a-go-go digital communications network to learn about justin bieber (all i knew about him came from wonkette blingees) and catch some of his youtubes. there is such a sweetness about him in what i saw, i can only cringe with foreboding at what evil twistings the gods, fates, and furies may hold in store for him. they play with us mere mortals the way a cat plays with a catnip toy.

        speaking of which, i left a catnip mouse around here somewhere…

  6. SheriffRoscoe

    Wait, what was that bit at the end about Biggest Loser supporting muslims? Don't just drop that little "bomb" and then run away, Jack.

    1. genxr

      It's not the go-go nineties anymore, gramps. It's a new world, where Justin Bieber exists, and he won't get off my lawn!

      1. Crank_Tango

        yeah I am really starting to miss the nineties, but whatever, college girls are still hot and slutty…

  7. Crank_Tango

    also, with a name like "Alida Zichetello," where the fuck is YOUR country? cuz it sure as shit aint USMERKA!

  8. hagajim

    Tigar Beat?! Really? It still exists (even misspelled). I thought for sure after Napoleon Dynamite it would have at least changed to Liger Beat.

  9. GuanoFaucet

    "Someone tell him~what happened on 9/11. someone tell him~when you go to another country, you DON'T disrespect it's citizens. someone tell him~why they REALLY insist on putting the mosque there…"

    Someone needs to tell Cynthia she's a fucking moron.

    1. natoslug

      Once again, I blame Reagan. If that fucker hadn't decided jails, the streets and suburban kitchens were better for housing the mentally ill, we'd still have asylums for these people. And Beck (the cryer, not the singer) too also.

    2. Jason_inthe_Peg

      Don't you dare tell her that!

      I <3 Cynthia

      She needs a blog. She could start by standing in for Pastor Swank.

    3. horsedreamer_1

      I hate to say it, but a lot of Leftists, many of the same who are ragging on Obama for not getting a Public Option & such as, were four-square with Reagan on deinstitutionalizing the mentally ill. For human rights. Oh, those schizophrenics, they don't need to take their meds if they don't want to — they have rights.

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        Could you mention a few sample Leftist names? 'Cause I lived in Cali during the reign of Gov St Ron-bon, and I don't remember that. Of course, that could have been the meds

  10. edgydrifter

    cynthia~ someone tell her~ you can't substitute tildes for all other punctuation marks~ she is grossly mislead~~~ PERIOD~

      1. revmod

        Because ~ I could not stop ~ For Justin
        He kindly stopped ~ For me ~
        The Facebooks held ~ But just ourselves
        And scattered ~ Random tildy ~~~

    1. KochFembot

      First, someone will have to tell her what a tilde is. Cynthia thinks it is a pinky rest with a squiggle mark on it.

      Better yet, tell her that it is frequently used by MESSICANS!!!!

    2. GeoffPeterson

      Cynthia is actually incredibly subversive. She's posing as a right-wing nut job, but what she's really doing is introducing a foreign diacritical mark as punctuation in order to increase the multi-culturalism of the English language, so that Jesus will cry and we will all become a nation of Muslins.

  11. SorosBot

    "My little girl took down his poster and said she didn’t want to have nothing to do with him any more"

    That does not sound like something a little girl would do, but it does sound like a story a wingnut might make up to give himself some bigotry cred.

    1. edgydrifter

      The tell is the grammar. If it were authentic, it would have read "and she didn't want to have nothing to do with him NO more."

    2. Redhead

      I just couldn't get past the double-negative. It shouldn't surprise me anymore, and like edgy said, if it were authentic it probably would have been a quadrouple-negative.

  12. SmutBoffin

    I've heard that if you play Bieber albums backwards it's a recording of Osama bin Laden chanting "Allu Akhbar"…

  13. Come here a minute

    Thank you Mosk boycotters! Now I have the jazzy little Peanuts theme playing in my head, and that is a pretty decent way to try and forget about a bunch of racist assholes.

    1. genxr

      I am now forced to boycott the Charlie Brown Christmas Special for at least the next 11 months, and instead buy a new bottle of Maker's Mark.

      1. BarryOPotter

        I'm giving her a +1 for the use of "Someone" at the beginning of sentence, as well as the selection and order of the words that follow that most auspicious start. Well done, Limers!

    1. neiltheblaze

      I find it wonderful that she's willing to make Justin Beiber, of all people, Rolling Stones caliber "forbidden fruit". That's just pathetic.

    2. natoslug

      I've known cunts. I've been friends with cunts. And Cynthia Holt is no cunt. A twat, perhaps, but not high-class enough for cuntery.

        1. natoslug

          Sigh . . . very well. Can we at least preface the word with something descriptive and appropriate for her, like festering, putrid, or cankerous?

        2. Chet Kincaid

          Oh Lizzie, stop insulting your cunt! I'm sure it is more sensitive and flexible than a dried up old "Cynthia Holt", which sounds like more of a sausage grinder.

  14. x111e7thst

    It is not good for fucktards to think too much about J.B.
    Such thoughts cause uncomfortable stirrings in portions of the fucktard anatomy that would remain unmentioned in polite society if such a thing still existed.

  15. Oblios_Cap

    I think the one thing I admire most about these Unhinged Reichtards is their command of every aspect of the English language.

    1. CapeClod

      It must be difficult to live with such a limited means of expressing yourself, married to the temperment of a moray eel and the critical reasoning ablities of a sulphur crested cockatoo.

  16. PublicLuxury

    Intolerance they name is Christianity which has NOTHING to do with Christ. "Christians" have been slaughtering Mawsluns forever. How many souls have been lost to the cult of Christianity?

    Beiber is obviously an intelligent young man despite of the way he combs his hair.

  17. NuttGobbler

    Don't they know that "A Charlie Brown Christmas" is only a thinly-veiled Marxist indoctrination piece rejecting capitalism and celebrating a limp pagan icon? Good grief.

  18. OkieDokieDog

    That's it! I'm burning all my Justin Bieber albums and memorabilia! Now what am I going to do about this Bieber tattoo on my butt?

  19. HempDogbane

    I am clearly not getting the full Facebook experience. Craig Fowler, Hemp Dogbane would like to be your friend. And that's a fucked up way to refer to a pigmented terrorist.

    1. genxr

      No kidding. Where do I find facebook friends like that? Even the wingtards from my East Texas high school mellowed out a bit after I posted links to the Mayo Clinic health policy blog in support of Obama's HITECH ARRA initiatives, along with a few of the more amusing and/or insulting links from teh Wonkette.

  20. V572625694

    Islam is not a religion? Let's see:

    1. Believes in jealous, all-powerful sky-god Nobodaddy who cannot countenance other deities;
    2. Adheres to strictures in incomprehensible ancient text allegedly dictated by (1) to some "prophet";
    3. Uses real or imagined slights to (1) as justification to annex territory and slaughter innocents; and
    4. Cherry-picks items from (2) to claim holy goodness, while ignoring same when they might interfere with (3).

    If that isn't a religion, then Glenn Beck isn't a Mormon!

    1. SorosBot

      You've got to put yourself in the full insane fundie mindset. Sure, Islam may seem like it's pretty much the same as Christianity except with Jesus as a prophet instead of god and a few stuff added at the tail end, but these guys actually believe that demons exist, and Allah was one of them, and as Muslims are actually devil worshipers.

      Now that may make Scientology's Xenu story seem downright sane, but these people are actually batfuck crazy enough to believe it.

      1. doloras

        A good way to explode wingnut heads: point out that, when the Bible is translated into Arabic, "God" is translated to "Allah". (Or even better, hand them an Arabic Bible, tell them it's a Qur'an and get them to burn it.)

    2. SheriffRoscoe

      1. Believes in jealous, all-powerful sky-god Nobodaddy who cannot countenance other deities; … who It presumably understands aren't real, since It is the only one, but since when has that ever stopped a jealous person…..?

      I thought I would just carry your thought out a little further there….

      If there was one thing that made no sense to me as a fundie youngun, it was why a real god would be jealous of all the fake gods. Sort of like being jealous of your boyfriend or girlfriend showing affection to a stuffed animal. Oh, and there was that whole "the words in the bible don't mean the same as when you see those same words in other books" problem. So I guess that makes two. Two things.

      1. SorosBot

        It would almost make one suspect that the earlier books of the Bible were written at a time when the Israelites were polytheistic, perhaps following the same pantheon as the rest of the Canaanites, and were edited later to reflect a conversion to monotheism that occurred around the 5th century BCE, under the influence of the Zoroastrian monotheistic Persians who freed them from the Babylonians, and that there is quite a bit of archaeological evidence to support this. Maybe.

      2. ShaveTheWhales

        Or the fact that the whole "plagues on the Egyptians" thing, including the big Red Sea finale, came about because God "hardened Pharaoh's heart" whenever Pharaoh was ready to give in, so that God could show off some more by killing more Egyptians.

        To whom was he showing off?

    3. Redhead

      You're missing the main difference, as fundies see it.

      Beck is white. All muslins are dark people (therefore all dark people are muslins). This is why it's acceptable for Beck to rape and murder young girls, but not acceptable for anyone the fundies arbitrarily decide is muslin (since muslin=dark skin, remember) to botch a self-castration.

      1. Fare la Volpe

        Where did you hear that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990? I'm gonna need some hard evidence that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 before I believe a statement like that. Honestly, you can't just start throwing out accusations that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990 just willy nilly without some bit of proof.

    4. lulzmonger

      The God Of Abraham is the one & only Final Boss of Christianity, Judaism & Islam alike – so if Islam isn't a real religion, neither are the others. Q to the E to the motherfuckin' D.

      Why do wingnuts hate & condemn their own God?

  21. neiltheblaze

    Well, Pamela – let's construct the argument another way – "Even Justin Beiber is more evolved, worldly, and compassionate than a fully grown, insipid, willfully ignorant Jeebus bot like yourself."

  22. weejee

    The Mosk-tards hate Justin Beiber and the NAACP loves Haley Barbour all in one day.

    Holy pidgin poop, has the speaking in tongues begun? Or perhaps the New Year's gin swilling has started early? Or have the Feds decriminalized meth? Has Saturn reclaimed his crown? Is Wonkette getting more hits that Google?

  23. JoshuaNorton

    I blame all our country's problems on the Facial Book and the Titter.

    Now all you kids get off my lawn!!!! And get a hair cut, dammit.

  24. Sassomatic

    Justin Beiber fans deciding they hate Justin Beiber out of the same stupidity that made them like him in the first place. It's like a snake eating its own tail. Is that in Revelations?

    1. Atomic26

      Ouroboros predates Jeebus by about 2300 years. So if it was in Revelations that John dude jacked it from the Egyptians, or maybe the Greeks, or Romans. Christianity tends to be lacking in originality.

  25. chicken_thief

    Pamela McGarry Curley is one ignorant cunt. Jayzus, woman, is it possible to any less coherent of thought?! "He's been indoctrinated with this multi-cultural thing since birth. (Wah, my pussy hurtz.) Most Canadians are surprised by our outrage. (Wah, my pussy hurtz.) Pray for Canada."

    I'm glad that let me know that "America, the melting pot" is a BAD thing and maybe if I rustle up some moah Bible thumpin sons-a-bitches we can whip our hatred of a religious group that lives peacefully yards from our border into a porno super money shot of prayer jizz beseaching them to be…. less tolerant? More dumb-fucked, like us?

    If there truly is a God, it would be nice of Him to take a few seconds out of His busy day to tell Pammie how fucking stupid she is. Or send one of them archangels.

  26. Sassomatic

    Why won't Canadians respect America by telling our citizens where they can build community centers?

  27. Rorgg

    Best part is that it's not even true. It's a PARODY of Bieber that later goes on to talk about how all religions can get together and decide what his best song is.

    But I suppose once you've gone that far into self-parody, actual parody is unrecognizeable.

  28. mumbly_joe

    Ugh, I am so torn here. Justin Beiber is my second-least-favorite thing, but then again, racist fucks are my least favorite thing, so.

  29. lochnessmonster

    What did these people do before the interwebs brought them Face Place Space to yell about things?

    1. slappypaddy

      they beat up their families and kicked their cats, then they went to honky-tonks and fought each other with pool cues. the good old days.

    1. SorosBot

      Maybe Jack figured his joke of always sticking Bieber in his blingees wouldn't work if it was actually relevant.

    2. lulzmonger

      Let me be the first to have the honor of giving that stunning editorial on modern reality the five stars it so richly deserves … & this link gets a p!

  30. mumbly_joe

    Also,

    LOL, it's funny that anyone would consider anything that idiotic immature CHILD has to say… The Bible is right when it predicts that in the last days, we would be ruled by children

    Yeah, if there's anything Jesus ever advocated in the Gospels regarding children, it was that we should all talk shit about them, all the time.

  31. MistaEko

    DO YOU WANT TO PROTEST THE MOSQUES?

    What? No!

    BUT WE ARE BOYCOTTING JUSTIN BIEBER, JOHN CUSACK, AND THE BIGGEST LOSER!

    ……..go on.

  32. freakishlywrong

    Grabbed this before the Facebook nannies disappeared it.
    Ha Ha Sullivan you stupid asshole. Fuck you and your kids. I hope the TV networks run your ignorant ass through the wringer.

  33. dinkybossetti

    "He`s been indoctrinated with this multi-cultural thing since birth"

    It's so true. I'm marrying a Canadian next year, and I find tolerance to be his worst character flaw. It just drives me crazy that he thinks diversity is a thing to be appreciated and celebrated.

    I often wish he had grown up somewhere a little less multi-cultural, like I did here in the States, where everybody is so exactly the same as one another!

  34. BlueStateLibel

    And I bet these retards bitching on Facebook could have cared less about the bill providing health care for the 9/11 first responders.

    1. whiskeybaby

      NEVER FORGET!!!!1!
      Never forget to exploit 9/11 for all it's worth, except when it comes to the actual, you know, humans, who were affected by it. 'Cause fuck them.

    1. Gleem_McShineys

      "Poking your eyes out with sharpened sticks carved out of dog poop is a terrible, terrible danger to our collective American-quality goodness*, and this Administration will do everything in its power to stop this menace."

      *bonus points for using some awkward phrasing that a devout paranoid Becktard could imagine as a call toward socialism or something.
      Witness an epidemic of emergency rooms filled with shit-blind morons, now with literal shit, literally blinding them. BEST NEW YEAR EVER!

  35. ttommyunger

    I can barely tolerate the banal idiocy on my own fb, now I've got to read it on Wonkette? Wonkette, meet bottom of the barrel, bottom of the barrel, Wonkette.

  36. lulzmonger

    "WE REJECT YOUR REALITY & SUBSTITUTE OUR OWN!"

    This fake controversy, like all those before it, will soon join them at the bottom of the Memory Hole ( = goatse for reichtards). Being a weapons-grade dipshit 24/7 means not even noticing your growing collection of footbullets as you "DON'T RETREAT – RELOAD!"

    The Idiot Club™ – membership has its privileges.

    Also, thanks for reminding me yet again why I avoid Facebook like the plague it is.

    The best thing I can say about it is that it keeps these millions of chromasome-challenged mouthbreathers off the streets … for which benefit a warehouse full of heroin would also suffice.

  37. Gainsbourg69

    Wouldn't it be funny if Cynthia's daughter started giving blow jobs on the bus because her mom ripped up her Justin Beiber posters?

  38. Negropolis

    Pray for Canada, indeed. With their tyres, and kilometres, and tolerance, and devil-dear (moose), and their parliament, and hockey, and First Nations, and red-coated mounties, and Canada Français…it's like they want to be their own nation, when they are only America's hat.

    P.S. Dear Canadia, that was just a joke so as not to attract unwanted attention from our fat-slob brethren. You know, keeping up appearances, wot, wot. Please annex my state of Michigan. Quickly, while the Teabaggers are distracted with mosques and Mexicans. We're dying, down here.

  39. benjo765

    Jesus whisper'd in my dreamz last night that we shud kill all muslins and start som kinda holy war – cuz' dem terrorists r krazy religus extremisms and hella intolerent.

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