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Have you seen Dignity?The empty Saturnalia of Christmas has come and gone again, so it’s time for pollsters to ask depressed Americans if religion is still important. About half say, “I guess, to me, a little.” But 70% admit that their sad devotion to that ancient religion doesn’t really matter, as the actual influence of traditional religion on America’s trash society of mouth tattoos and teen pregnancy and foreclosed homes full of prescription numbing agents and wide-screen pornography is all but finished.

Gallup reports:

PRINCETON, NJ — Seven in 10 Americans say religion is losing its influence on American life — one of the highest such responses in Gallup’s 53-year history of asking this question, and significantly higher than in the first half of the past decade.

Back in 1970, three-quarters of Americans apparently believed religion was waning in this wrecked country — that 75% record is the only year when more Americans than this year thought their religious traditions no longer mattered to the nation at large. And that was the era of riots and Vietnam and TIME Magazine covers with “Is God Dead?” headlines, and also that’s when the nation was very briefly blessed with beautiful young hippie chicks running naked through the parks, so old people just freaked the hell out. But now everybody is horrendous and if you saw an actual Real American naked you’d probably eat your whole bottle of OxyContin just to end the pain, in your eyes. (One of the primary causes of “home suicide” is when Americans accidentally see themselves in the bathroom mirror, after their weekly shower.)

Anyway, experts say we could very much use a completely new religion to give us some sense of purpose and perhaps the ability to live a life that isn’t so tawdry and humiliating. Whatever that new religion will be, it won’t have a goddamned thing to do with people in exurbs going to the steel building/stucco facade warehouse church across from the AM/PM and the vacant strip mall, to be jabbered at by some meth-addict closet case on a fake-wood-paneling stage set with shit synthesizer strings blasting through a too-loud sound system while the massive eleven-year-old “teens” text each other about their ovulation. [Gallup/Christian Post]

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  • slappypaddy

    please allow me to introduce myself…

    • All we need is a new charasmatic leader who writes, gives great speeches and likes uniforms. He should be of a faith that is both old and at the same time being renewed. He should also be reviled by the "other" group and currently popular leaders that have fallen on tough times.

      'Merica needs Glenn Beck. I can see the parades now…

      • MaxNeanderthal

        "His face was blue in the light of the screen,
        As we watched the speech of an animal scream,
        The new party army, was marching right over our heads……"

        The Clash

    • Barrelhse

      Are you a man of wealth and taste?

      • slappypaddy

        just as every cop is a criminal, and all the sinners saints.

        • Barrelhse

          Christ, now I have to pull it up and listen to it.

          • ChuckieJesus

            Pull up the Jane's Addiction version!

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      fucking epic win, AND FIRST! *golf clap*

  • V572625694

    Praise Jeebus, Ken has found his faith at last! It's the one that isn't practiced in pre-engineered buildings.

    So he must be a Catholic — who knew?

    • user-of-owls

      Oh, you are going to pay for that, my friend.

      • V572625694

        Are you sayin Ken's a atheist? Ain't that illegal? Everybody knows atheists have no morals, because how can you have morals if some pederast in a fancy bathrobe doesn't tell you what they should be?

        • ♪♫ Two, four, six, eight,
          Time to transubstantiate ♫♪

          • WriteyWriterton

            "…and fiddle with your rosary…" has assumed new meaning in the current Catholic(k) Church, amiright?

          • No butts about it!

          • WriteyWriterton

            Weejee: I have resolved in the New Year not to answer "Is the Pope a pedohile?" to my devout liberal-Catholic in-laws. It's not a joke they care to get.

          • In nomine Patris et fillii et staus quo.

          • WriteyWriterton

            Uh, a Pax on your house? (Latin-loving Vobi-scum!)

          • ShaveTheWhales

            fiddle about
            fiddle about
            fiddle about

    • He'll pass the biscuits, satus quo. Or should that be ham biscuits?

  • prommie

    That young Steuf fellow, he sometimes finds some passing detail to gnaw on in his amusing, "still idealistic enough to be hurt by the ugliness" way. But Layne, he sees the whole picture, the grand scene entire, as it were, and turns his Swiftian misanthropy up to 11 and indicts the entirety of humanity with his prose.

    • V572625694

      And it's wonderful.

    • SmutBoffin

      Agreed! The one thing I dont' get, however, is this 'mouth tattoo' thing. Has anyone here ever seen a mouth tattoo? What do they look like?

      • V572625694

        There was some talk that the Alaskunt has one or two or whatever you call it.

        • SmutBoffin

          Maybe he is talking about inner lip tattoos? Kids like those since they are invisible to everybody except, uh, Ken apparently.

      • OneDollarJuana
  • Crank_Tango

    mais où sont les "beautiful young hippie chicks running naked through the parks" d'antan ?

    • edgydrifter

      They devolved into bitter PUMAs.

      • horsedreamer_1

        You would too if the men you married proved to be even worse, on account of equality of the sexes, than their fathers.

    • DoktorZoom

      Help him…Help the bombardier!

      • V572625694

        Ha ha. Where are the Snowden's of yesteryear?

        • DoktorZoom

          They've become the TBI and PTSD cases of today.

          See also, "The Soldier in White."

    • Rotundo_

      Dans la biblioteque? La salle de bains? Je ne sais, alors.

      • JustPixelz

        je suis nudite chez mon ordinateur. c'est meme, no?

        • Crank_Tango

          photos ou va te faire foutre (gtfo) !

          • Negropolis

            Oooo! I've learn a new French swear-word! I love the translation. "Go you do/make fuck," indeed.

      • Crank_Tango

        je les cherche, je les cherche encore et toujours !

  • nounverb911

    "experts say we could very much use a completely new religion to give us some sense of purpose and perhaps the ability to live a life that isn’t so tawdry and humiliating"

    What will we do with all of the unemployed pedophile priests?

    • user-of-owls

      Send them to the ComicCon in Tulsa, of course.

      • UW8316154

        One chicken dinner to you, User!

    • slappypaddy

      bottoms are in demand in prisons.

  • HempDogbane

    Real churches have terrible coffee.
    "steel building/stucco facade warehouse church across from the AM/PM and the vacant strip mall" churches have awesome coffee.
    We are doomed.

    • That's because they have actual Starbucks and Peet's franchises inside the alleged churches … and don't forget to pick up a Subway foot-long cancer-ham special on the way out to your Chevy Tahoe.

      • SheriffRoscoe

        Praise the Lord and pass me the donuts.

      • prommie

        They have dry-cleaners, too.

        • SheriffRoscoe

          Well yes, do you know how hard it is to find a dry-cleaner that's open on Sunday?

      • V572625694

        Nothing says devotion like a five-dollar foot-long. It's all right though, because the ham's really made of turkey! Well, certain parts of turkeys.

      • HempDogbane

        Escalade, or GTFO the cross.

      • SmutBoffin

        The cancer makes it more savory.

        • OneDollarJuana

          You might not like it so much now, but it grows on you.

      • This is something I do not understand. If I am going anywhere at anytime in the morning, high end coffee is mandatory. Starbucks and Peets are just mediocrity. You got to order from Henry's House of Coffee in San Francisco. They ship this brown gold anywhere in the US. Its a blue pill – red pill moment. Do you accept the dross, or do you get serious about your coffee addiction?
        I follow no religion that would ask me to compromise on coffee, perfume, or cheese. God would want us to have superior coffee.

    • DoktorZoom

      Unitarians have pretty good coffee, and parking lots full of Volvos and Prii. Just watch out for the occasional unhinged Beck viewer.

      • SheriffRoscoe

        Which argues strongly FOR the right to bring your guns into your churches/coffee houses, for protection.

      • emmelemm

        Prii? A million thumbs up to you. (I don't know why, but that's awesome.)

      • Negropolis

        "Prii"

        NICE. That is all.

    • Rotundo_

      Actually at the older ones, as the pots get sufficiently resined up from years of use, they mellow and you can get a pretty good cup out of them. The big problem is that they buy the cheapest, shittiest coffee that can be found. The resins in the pot absorb a good deal of the oils and acids (think of it as in-activated charcoal) and it actually doesn't taste as bad. The little old church ladies however, are still the bitter and tasteless brew you always dreaded as younger folk.

      • HempDogbane

        Some of the Lutheran ladies are buying shade grown.

    • Neoyorquino

      Thats why I never wash my coffee cup. Mmm, flavor crystals . . .

  • while 7 in 10 americans also say the KFC Double Down is gaining influence.

    • court5346

      I'd double down on that religion

    • StillGoinGreen

      What do the other 43% have to say about it?

    • Negropolis

      The other 3 in 10 are dead.

  • SmutBoffin

    I've got nothing against church
    Only the people who go there and show they're
    Plain ignorant – they don't understand
    The congregation at weekends will change their behaviour
    So many people are weak enough
    To have to seek answers from peddlers of hope
    I should know I used to go there myself
    That's the day I became antipope

    • DoktorZoom

      Also. (NSFW if you work with/for god-botherers)

  • Badonkadonkette

    That screenshot is from SNL, right? The guy on the left is Will Ferrell?

  • edgydrifter

    Before seeing that photo, I would never have guessed Jesus had a portly, retarded half-brother.

    • SorosBot

      The Gospels actually include several references to Jesus' brothers; in Catholic school, it was fun to hear the contortions the church had come up with to reconcile that with their insistence that Mary was and remained a virgin her whole life.

      • realmurkin

        I, too, went to Catholic school. I always felt super bad for Joseph. He married some crazy pregnant lady who'd already been boned by God (inferiority complex, anyone?), had to haul her around on a donkey, watched her poop out some other guy's baby in a barn, and then after all that, he never got any action. EVAR.

    • natoslug

      That's not Jesus! Everyone knows Jesus was blonde-haired, blue-eyed and well-muscled. Unlike Sally Ride, whose eyes just blew this way and that.

  • BorderJumper!

    Religion as a whole may be fading away, but Fundies are clearly on the rise.

    • SmutBoffin

      Ha, religion is just becoming more concentrated.

      • GunTotingProgressive

        This is what happens in an open-air cesspool. The shit just becomes more and more concentrated.

  • NuttGobbler

    We need a good old-fashioned cult of personality. Beckanalia, anyone?

    The Beck promises you everlasting Cheez Whiz and underbellies free of yeast.

  • Serolf_Divad

    I'd like to believe that this poll portends a less sectarian, more secular soceity, but my suspicion is that what this poll really reveals is the paranoid fears of a growing population of religious nuts who've been raised on right-wing propaganda selling the notion that "religious freedom is under attack" by the "secular left" who are "banning prayer" from schools, public places, etc.

    • Oblios_Cap

      At least we'll still have the religous wackos to persecute.

    • V572625694

      I'm afraid you're right: everybody's worried that everybody else isn't religious enough. Notice that the church-or-synagogue attendance figure is "self-reported," which is to say utter bullshit that people say to pollsters because they fear the disapprobation of the pollster. "I ain't no stinkin atheist, that's fer sure. They're immoral!"

      • SorosBot

        In fact, a recent study found that about half the people who say the attend church or the equivalent are lying:
        http://www.slate.com/id/2278923/

        • DustBowlBlues

          I'm not lying, dammit, and I have gelatin dessert recipes to prove I'm a regular at a United Methodist church in the smack-dab middle of the Heartland. Either coca-cola or seven-up salad–I swing both ways.

      • slappypaddy

        i went to church this past xmas eve for the annual ceremony observing the birth of yeshua ben-yusef. there was the church, there was the steeple, i opened the doors, where were all the people? i about cried, and i'm a druidic cat. a few years ago, when last i went, the place was crowded. but most of the worshippers there were olds, and i am told they have died. a few years before that, the church had a corrupt minister (imagine that!) in cahoots with a corrupt bookkeeper (also a surprise, nicht war?), and they fudged the figures upwards in their reports to the diocese, so they could get more moneys. jesus saves, but his acolytes embezzle.

    • DoktorZoom

      That was my thought, too, except that 1) Those folks have ALWAYS said that, very very loudly, and the volume and frequency of their paranoia doesn't seem to have changed or gathered more followers, and 2) the poll does seem to show that, while individual belief in deities hasn't changed much, actual churchgoing appears to be declining as well. Give us another century or so and we may be as unchurched as 2010 Great Britain.

      Provided the C.H.U.D.s don't get us first.

    • SorosBot

      Cheer up! Surveys show that religiosity has been dwindling with each generation, and so a lot of the decline comes from the believers dying off.

      • court5346

        but theres still plenty of fundies to indoctrinate their yoots with jebus

  • bumfug

    Best news I've heard in a long time.

  • Tommmcatt

    …have a goddamned thing to do with people in exurbs going to the steel building/stucco facade warehouse church across from the AM/PM and the vacant strip mall, to be jabbered at by some meth-addict closet case on a fake-wood-paneling stage set with shit synthesizer strings blasting through a too-loud sound system while the massive eleven-year-old “teens” text each other about their ovulation.

    This paragraph is evidence of maestro- level poetic talent. Compare for style and rhythmic quality:

    …who threw potato salad at CCNY lecturers on Dadaism and subsequently presented themselves on the granite steps of the madhouse with shaven heads and harlequin speech of suicide, demanding instantaneous lobotomy…

    It's like you are Ginsberg reincarnated, Ken.

  • slithytoves

    As long as money is God, religion is not going anywhere.

  • SorosBot

    It's hard to tell from this, though, just how pessimistic people are; because there's no way to tell fundies bemoaning the secularization of America from people like me, who see less people clinging to the mythology of a middle eastern death cult and beginning to live in reality as a positive thing.

    • vulpes82

      Yeah, I'd be inclined to be happy about this poll, heathen that I am, but I know it's just a bunch of unemployed born-agains who think Obama is the Communist Kenyan Antichrist determined to kill all good (white) Christians in his FEMA deathcamps by declaring martial law due to the War on Christmas.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Damn! This white boy is glad he's an atheist.

  • DashboardBuddha

    Forget Christ in Christmas then….let's put Saturn back in Saturnalia.

  • Oblios_Cap

    That Jesus fellow certainly appears to be a surly illegal messican socialist. I can see why they nailed the bastard to a couple of pieces of wood during his last visit.

    • MaxNeanderthal

      Reminds me of the old joke about the kid who's crap at mathmatics and get's sent to the catholic school to improve, which he does, dramatically. When asked why, he nods at the crucifix and says, "When I saw they'd nailed a guy to the plus sign, I knew they weren't kidding about".

  • Come here a minute

    This poll is wrong. Americans are very worried about the Burlington Coat Factory God taking over our constitutions with Sharia Law.

  • SecretMuslin

    If I had answered that poll I would have said that, depressingly, religion is intruding in our daily lives more, not less. It's a litmus test for every politician and there are mega-churches with congregations in the thousands on every corner. Where is this magical alternate US where religion is dying? Does it have unicorns?

    • LocalGirlMakesGoo

      Canada?

    • jim89048

      Wherever it is, I want to go to there.

    • GOPCrusher

      Agreed. And it's wrapped in a flag of persecution. If there really was an all mighty secular movement in this country, wouldn't Xtianity be dead and buried already?

    • DustBowlBlues

      Would that be the magical US where 60% of the population doesn't believe the Genesis creation story (the first one. most of these idiots don't know there's a second, more fun version in Genesis) is the literal truth? The magical US that accepts science?

      The magical US where people who claim to be Christian DO take the Sermon on the Mount seriously? Yeah. That magical US, where over the half the population doesn't have its head up its collective ass.

    • Actually, Christians have taken the unicorns and dragons as part of their world view. A Kentucky Creationism Museum is including unicorns and dragons (also known as dinosaurs) as being real.
      "The biblical unicorn was a real animal, not an imaginary creature. … The absence of a unicorn in the modern world should not cause us to doubt its past existence. (Think of the dodo bird. It does not exist today, but we do not doubt that it existed in the past.). … To think of the biblical unicorn as a fantasy animal is to demean God’s Word, which is true in every detail."
      Religion invades more and more and is not even trying to pretend to be rational or even factual.

  • Sassomatic

    When you don't have to pretend to be the biggest Bible-thumping born-again in the land to get elected POTUS, I'll believe it.

  • LocalGirlMakesGoo

    I recently attended the baptism of my nephew in an awesome old Catholic Jesus-castle church. The god stuff both freaked me out and bored me, but the architecture was amazing and the frankincense-n-myrrh they burned made me three kinds of horny.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Yes, yes. The theater is quite nice also.

    • SorosBot

      If the stuff makes the girls horny then maybe I shouldn't skip out on those baptism invites any more.

      • LocalGirlMakesGoo

        It certainly makes up for all of that sit-stand-kneel shit they make you do.

        • DoktorZoom

          The Youngs aren't getting enough exercise anyway. So, calisthenics or secksytime?

        • Jason_inthe_Peg

          That's because they have it backwards. It should be kneel-stand-sit.

          If you know what I mean.

        • SorosBot

          Churches need a way to stop people from falling asleep, and the kneel-stand-sit shit works, but Catholic masses would be much more enjoyable with the black Baptist method of continual good singing throughout the service.

          • LocalGirlMakesGoo

            Well, that and drinking.

    • Neoyorquino

      Incense, you say? (makes notation on shopping list).

    • horsedreamer_1

      So, you're Michael Corleone?

  • horsedreamer_1

    Me So Thorny.

    • DashboardBuddha

      That's probably what Mel kept saying to himself all the while he was editing the Passion of Mel Gibson.

  • bitchincamaro2

    When I picture Americans on their knees, I don't picture them in prayer.

  • bitchincamaro2

    I too, blame Stipe.

    • WriteyWriterton

      REM = "Meh" misspelled, backward.

    • SorosBot

      Oh Stipe; he's bigger than you, and you are not me.

      • DoktorZoom

        Got my spine, I've got my Orange Crush.

  • Tengu

    But what will we cross stitch onto our samplers now?

    • SmutBoffin

      TAKE ME ROUGHLY FROM BEHIND

  • forgracie

    Obscure Dylan alt-text for the win Ken….

  • SheriffRoscoe

    I think I enjoy these 'religion is retarded' threads even more than the 'politics is retarded' ones. All the pleasure none of the guilt, or something.

  • PublicLuxury

    This is happening because of the Marxist, Socialist, Leninist, Nazi, Soviet lovin' Communist, Kenyan, Muzlin, Negro, Black, Homie guy that got hisself elected preznit. He and his vegetable addicted wife have ruined MY cunt-tree.

  • freakishlywrong

    I know one thing. I get religiously giggly watching all those fat, white, ignorant xtians clobbering each other over shit made in China to celebrate the birth of their Lord.

    while the massive eleven-year-old “teens” text each other about their ovulation. Perfection.

  • HolyCow!!

    Worship me. At least I'm real.

  • PublicLuxury

    Which one is Jeebus? I think it is the one on the left, 'cause the goatee was really popular about 2000 years ago. And the safety razors. . .Gillette could learn a few things from the ancients.

  • GunTotingProgressive

    I'd like to use this venue to officially announce the Church of the Invisible Sky Gandalf. There will be no steel-framed buildings, so your contributions (delivered via the great PayPal collection plate) go right to the primary tenets of the religion (whisky and pr0n, mostly).

    • VinnyThePooh

      I thought a Cessna Citation was also required to spread The Word faster.

  • NuttGobbler

    Totally off topic, but WTF is up with the National Guard ad? Those jokers must really be desperate, what with everyone returning from their fifth deployment to their unemployment (*BUT EMPLOYERS LOVE THE TROOPS!*), pathetic (if existent) medical and psychological follow up, oh yeah, and all that PTSD business WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT EXIST, like the WMDs and Boener's tanning bed.

    Sorry, but… weird ad, is all.

  • hagajim

    Religion down, wingnuts up!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Oh, swell….another rallying cry for fundamentalists to "take the country back!"

  • VinnyThePooh

    "There's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over."
    – Frank Zappa

    • V572625694

      "Believing and shitting are two very different things."
      ~ Mozart

  • hagajim

    Fading away – on the thin ice of those darn gays!

    • slappypaddy

      i hear flutes now!

  • Oblios_Cap

    re: the picture

    Jesus walked on the water
    and I believe it's true
    Sometimes I think that preacher man
    Would like to do a little walking, too.

    • slappypaddy

      as if they don't.

  • Steverino247

    In his Easter bonnet
    With all the thorns upon it.

  • Redhead

    Eh, 70% say their religion seems to be losing its influence on Americans. I'm not so sure it's Americans losing their religion so much as it is Americans playing the victim (the gubmint stole my cheetohs!) and feeling that they and their views are being ignored and not loved enough by the rest of the world.

    These are probably many of the same people who insist that "separation of church and state" isn't in Jesus's constitution, and therefore all the brown people (who are obviously all crotch-detonating muslins) are disrespecting them and their religious beliefs by disagreeing with them.

  • chascates

    Iran, Afghanistan, and Pakistan are some of the few countries where religion still plays an important part in life. Thank heavens so many people here are pushing us towards those countries' types of societies.

    • DustBowlBlues

      "countries' types"
      The correct use of the apostrophe to make a plural noun possessive. Fucking intellectual commies. The wonket's full of your type.

      Fuck–I had a sudden brainstorm that could make me a fortune. While I'm designing the Tim McVeigh commemorative tees that are no doubt going to be in great demand in the Heartland any minute now, I'll make truck nutz with that cowboy church symbol on them. A guy in a cowboy hat and chaps on his knees with a cross behind him. You've seen it–if you have the misfortune in living in an area where fucking right-wing cowboy church is the rage.

      You know–the kind of people who will never master (nor care to) the smarty pants way you did the apostrophe up there.

  • mavenmaven

    Let's just follow the Scandinavians again, the Odin fans have the best music nowadays anyway, and Natalie Portman will be in the Thor movie. Raise the Hammer High! And everyone can still have their Tannenbaums, eggs, and bunnies!

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Mjolnir! Respect!

  • Pithaughn

    This is a damning indictment right here I say: "steel building/stucco facade warehouse church across from the AM/PM and the vacant strip mall, to be jabbered at by some meth-addict closet case on a fake-wood-paneling stage set with shit synthesizer strings blasting through a too-loud sound system "
    Compared to a cathedral,like for instance Saint Patrick’s Cathedral in Dublin, it is no wonder this new brand of Christianity is ok with the opulent mac-mansion lifestyle of its adherents and leaders. I've been to both, SaddleBack in the OC and Saint Patrick’s Cathedral in Dublin. Saint Patrick’s Cathedral gave this grizzled old atheist goose bumps and chills, it was so beautiful and spiritual, while preacher McPurpose made me violently angry when he introduced his special guest, Dr. James "Hate all who dare to be different "Dobson. Only the silk wrapped nails of my sister stopped me from bolting into the aisle to rush the stage and scream obscenities at that sack of wasted protoplasm.

    • DustBowlBlues

      I attended a Palm Sunday community worship service at the fastest growing church in town, because my peacenik pastor was preaching, and I feared she might need someone to help her get out of that place before they got down to some serious stoning.

      It was in a prefab building. The "sanctuary" sported nary a bible nor a cross, just two American flags behind the "stage" and a cheap banner featuring a scythe. (Even their only fucking religious symbol was capable of doing bodily harm.)

      For Christians, it's Passion Sunday. This was after Bush's second war had just begun and the only passion was for killing Muslims.

      The service began with a girl in uniform parading around with a flag, commenced to do a couple of cheesy "praise hymns" like they play when they try to sell those crap cds on cable and no one mentioned shit about Jesus, just patriotism. Or, more accurately, hatriotism. Our pastor began, "Jesus entered Jerusalem not as a king, more like a protestor" and I started looking around for the rocks.

      We all made it out alive but shit, what a bogus excuse for religion these dickwads enjoy.

      • It's worshiptainment. Then step over to the Subway/Cinnabon to partake in the snackraments.

        • user-of-owls

          Cuneiform!

        • DustBowlBlues

          I enjoyed the worshiptainment and snackaments terms so much, I emailed my pastor about them.

          • Thank you, Dusty. It's good to know that my two degrees in religion are paying off.

            I have been tinkering with the idea of marketing a sparkling sacramental wine called Soave Maria.

          • DustBowlBlues

            If sell it over the interwebs as a package deal with my Cowboy Church decal truck nutz with some Snackraments (Chex mix and Dr. Pepper) I believe we could make a fucking fortune.

        • ShaveTheWhales

          "snackraments" is worth stealing. Apologies in advance (and upfist)

      • Pithaughn

        Right arm. I'm not sure what is they get out of it, but there is no way it can be called learning and following the teachings of JC. One thing obvious to me is that they have their spirituality, patriotism and militarism all in the same box.

  • fuflans

    i'm not technically a lapsed christian, i just get distracted by living.

  • JustPixelz

    Thank God religion and zealotry are waning in America. What? … oh. Thank God religion is waning in America.

  • DustBowlBlues

    As a resident of the Bible Belt, my prayer is that religion fades faster. These fucking fundies are driving us mainstream United Methodists fuckin' nuts.

    BTW–Thanks for the description of what goes on in those freak churches, Ken. I've always wondered but, obviously, didn't want to risk getting near one.

  • edywin2

    Where do I get me one of them fancy Jesus hats?

  • voodooeconomics

    Jeebus started calling in the bad debts: Crystal Cathedral is bankrupt. Word from the Lord is that The Mighty Worship Reverend Schuller's mortgage was in a bad debt swap by some Chinese brokerage house out of Hong Kong.

    BTW, According to the catholic mantra all this crap being written here is being duly recorded by an angel somewhere hovering around my beer. You die and they pull your file.

    • gvvt

      And I'm sure they're as organized as they are coherent up there. Why EXACTLY did He have to give His only begotten Son because He so loved the world?

  • JackObin

    Christ, there may be hope for this blighted land after all. Just get rid of the tatoos and blubber, and we may be on to something.

  • gvvt

    Seeing as that picture is about Putting Christ Back in Christmas (as opposed to Easter), Immaculate Conception looks like it had its downside about nine months later…

  • rmjagg

    a sex church would be a real cash cow

    • DustBowlBlues

      The one on 1st. Ave in Seattle sure was. I believe it had a very classy name. Temple of Venus. (Tax exempt, you know).

  • ttommyunger

    Sounds to me like the unmistakable voice of experience, Ken. Assembly of God, Pentacostal, Church of God? No matter, don't look for the demise of organized religion any time soon. The Shamans are quick studies and the infusion of Rock-Like Music, lighting, overpowering sound systems, family services (gymnasium, youth programs, senior activities) and the subtle but strong emphasis on emotional stimulation is catnip to the masses who are alternately bored/scared shitless in their daily existence.

    • DustBowlBlues

      According to the CS Monitor, the Jesus lemmings are moving to the Calvinist, sit-there-and-memorize-hard-shit, kids–churches now. Hard work, study, dogma, blah, blah, phony baloney blah-blah.

      As an aside, has any word ever been more apropos to the subject than dogma? Because god is dog spelled backward? And dogma is religion gone to the dogs–wait, I like dogs. Whatever.

      • ttommyunger

        Dog-Ma. Mama dog? Female dog? Bitch? It is a bitch, ain't it?

        • ShaveTheWhales

          Or, played backwards, Am-God, short for USAmerican-God.

          Oh, fuck it, I got nothing.

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Calvinists? Oh dear. You have no free will, you are (by luck of the draw or something) destined to be an unredeemed sinner and rot in Hell for eternity, and you can do nothing to change this because God has ordained it, but it is still your own personal fault.

        Worst. Motivational. Program. Ever.

        • Negropolis

          I grew up around Calvinists — the (Dutch) Reformed Church types to be exact — and while I appreciate their academic rigor and their rejection of materialism (at least more so than your average American Christian), their worldview is just absolutely depressing. Calvin was misery personified. It was like "let's take all of the most depressing aspects of early Christianity and bring them to modern times."

          That said, this new watered down bullshit Walmart Christianity in America makes me gag.

          I guess it all makes me mad when I think about it.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      "Opium to the masses", neh?

      • ttommyunger

        Afraid so; also catnip to millions of underachievers who can rise to high stature/office just by showing up and memorizing the catch-phrases, as Dubya so stupidly bragged during a recorded conversation.

  • DustBowlBlues

    Organized religion may be fading, but ignorance is on the rise.

  • DustBowlBlues

    This is horrible to say, but say it I will. Just got an email from the pastor about a call from the local public health nurse about a family of 2 adults and 8 children whose trailer burned to the ground. She listed their ages and sizes. The older they got, the fatter, right up toXXL shirts with 38-32 pants. I know it isn't funny but, damn, these people are just walking stereotypes. See? That's why I hang out on the wonket. Because the first thing I notice is, fuck, these are fat hillbillies. And the next thought, of course, was whether it was a meth lab.

    Just so you know I'm not completely awful, I have a Goodwill box going and will try to help but, damn, even the fat clothes I'm giving away aren't that fat.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      1. Evidently, they didn't pay their $75?

      2. Of course, the being burnt out of house and home thing isn't funny (exactly), but I personally think that black (or gallows, to be excessively PC) humor is a major human strength.

      3. However, what's so damn funny about size 38 pants, huh?

  • Negropolis

    Whatever that new religion will be, it won’t have a goddamned thing to do with people in exurbs going to the steel building/stucco facade warehouse church across from the AM/PM and the vacant strip mall, to be jabbered at by some meth-addict closet case on a fake-wood-paneling stage set with shit synthesizer strings blasting through a too-loud sound system while the massive eleven-year-old “teens” text each other about their ovulation.

    I'm actually crying with laughter, from that one. That was a thing of sheer beauty.

    "Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it … and my heart is going to cave in."

  • I find your lack of faith disturbing.

    • bhosp

      Good try but he already made that joke.

  • neen006

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  • neen006

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  • bhosp

    Jesus Hussein Christ, Layne….

    Every one of your posts recently makes me want to ask you the "safety questions" therapists ask when people tell them their lives have completely gone to shit. ("Do you ever think about hurting yourself?", etc.)

    I don't even *like* religion and this made me want to stop taking my medicine or take too much "medicine" or something.

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