Hey look, it’s “POLITICAL COLUMN” from The Politico. According to Roger Simon, he knows Hugh Hefner! Whoa, that is like someone famous! It is very important to politics that Roger Simon be paid money to let us know that Hugh Hefner likes spending money on things. Just like you, follower of politics! You spend money on things!
“That’s the reason that I got the Big Bunny, the black DC-9, the coolest private jet ever,” Hefner once told a reporter. “Like a flying apartment.”
Like a flying apartment. So he would never have to leave home.
Whoa! Insight! Somebody call up the news networks! This Politico employee has an insight!
When I went to Los Angeles to do political stories, I would try to stop by the mansion and talk to Hefner. When I dropped by in 1988, he was watching an episode of “Murder, She Wrote” on his VCR, but he stopped the tape long enough for an interview.
How very news of him. And then politics happened. And some more news. Was there also a sandwich sitting on the table? What kind of sandwich? Did the sandwich also like Murder, She Wrote? The political media is dying to know. And the government too! Let us all put a pause on the exercise of American power so we can all find out about this sandwich.
But not to Hef. Not to the boy who falls “head over heels.” He has found his girl next door once again, and, like the boys of times gone by, he intends to do the right thing by her.
Laugh if you will. But I say: Best wishes, you two crazy kids!
Hey hey! This old guy knows this other, more prominent old guy, and they both think like old guys! Jesus fucking Christ, shut up, old people. [Politico]
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Murder, She Wrote in '86, on tape (since Hef prolly went to bed too early to catch it first-run)?
Are we sure he's only 84 now?
He only watched Murder She Wrote because he was banging Angela Lansbury back in the late '40s.
Memories.
Which was the last time he had an age-appropriate partner.
I always get confused when it comes to Political Columns. Are those the 'doric' or 'ionic' ones?
They're fine Corinthian leather columns. Especially in the grotto.
Thats "rich" corinthian leather, you.
Blast and damn me, you're right, prommie. I haz a forgetful.
I'm torn. Do I shout "KHAAAAAAAN!!!!" or just tell Tattoo to take away your '78 Cordoba?
Politico's columns are usually unintentionally ionic.
No, no–they're the moronic ones.
Fine Corinthian leather.
Yep, just an ordinary guy in his late 80s getting married to a woman a quarter of his age, young enough to be his great-granddaughter. Perfectly ordinary.
Something tells me Roger Simon is jealous.
We already know he's stupid. What else matters?
Hell, I think Jack is jealous.
He stopped by the mansion for the betterment of his political stories. Much like how I read the magazine for the articles.
Yeah. Thank Jebus Hef's taxes didn't go up. He'd have to bang 30 year olds instead.
We've secretly replaced Roger Simon with Jackie Harvey. Let's see if anyone notices!
Does this mean that when I'm 84 then I can bang 24 year old blonds with fake boobies?
Only if you can famousify them by publishing airbrushed naked pics of them in a tawdry jerk-off mag.
Hate to let the secret out, but it's the same reason men become movie producers.
Same reason they fight wars, throw footballs, sing rock songs, run for office, get rich, and try to be witty on Wonkette. We do it all, every little thing, we do it all for the nookie.
It was the best of times, it was the Durst of times.
Wait, what was that part about posting to Wonkette again?
Tawdry jerk-off mag? My friend, I'll have you know that Playboy is a classy jerk-off mag!
How is Playboy even still around now that actual hardcore porn is freely available on the internet?
Because some people really do buy it for the articles?
& Playboy has that covered, too. Granted, the CyberClub is tame, when compared to Vivid Alt & No Fauxxx & such, but it's heavy enough to be the most profitable part of the enterprise.
Also: Playboy bought Spice, among other properties, during the reign of Christie Hefner.
Used to be. Saul Bellow, Norman Mailer, John Updike were all in there among the mammary mutants Hugh convinced the world were beautiful.
As long as you can keep your hands off them between age 60 to 78.
Now I am stuck with the image of Angela Lansbury hanging out in the grotto, wearing a bikini and holding a Mai Tai.
Sexy, she wrote.
Taken from Rape, She Wrote.
She was a hottie, in her own poxy English way, back in her prime. Sixty years ago, or thereabouts.
Need I say it? Pix or GTFO.
Young Angela Lansbury, around the time of Gaslight;
and here, the Hugh Hefner version.
Sure, Hef is a normal 84 year old man. He craps himself, falls asleep at the dinner table, and shouts "Huh?" whenever he thinks he hears a conversation happening. But unlike 'normal' 84 year old men, he can afford to have a bevy of buxom blonds wipe his wrinkly ass rather than be stuck in some home in which he is abused by mostly illiterate trailer-trash nurse's aids. Yep, Hef's just a normal guy. Jesus Christ.
Now King David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat. So his servants said to him, "Let them seek a young virgin for my lord the king, and let her attend the king and become his nurse; and let her lie in your bosom, that my lord the king may keep warm." So they searched for a beautiful girl throughout all the territory of Israel, and found Abishag the Shunammite, and brought her to the king; and now he's starting to gat a little heat.
"We compared shriveled nutsacks. Hef's hung to his knees; mine had retracted into my swollen bladder. Bonding!"
FYI to all the male Wonketteers out there, a friend of mine worked at an Old Folk's home and he told me that it was imperative for men to wear snuggy briefs rather than boxers because all the men who had worn the latter all their lives had insanely saggy scrotal sacks.
That's news I can use, L. Thanks! (But it might be too late for me…)
Glad to be of help Writey, snug 'em up anyway love, better safe than sorry.
My compromise is boxer briefs: snug on the junk, but long in the leg. Keeps the cheap-jeans scratchies at bay.
No briefs for me. I'm getting a testicle-tuck procedure. And maybe implants.
That is good to know. I will be sure to pass it on to all my friends and family.
What about boxer briefs?
My cuppa, S-Bot.
See my response to SorosBot.
Boxer briefs are fine, also I personally like the looks of 'em.
I've been a boxer briefs guy for ages, but plan on getting six or seven neuticles implanted, just for heft. I'll be the old guy stumbling around, hauling his implanted junk in a wheelbarrow.
Like these?
Oh christ. This does not bode well for avians who go commando.
Comment is bitchin, camaro2….
Yeah, the wealthy are all "just the guy next door". Assuming that you're next door neighbor has private jets and freshly implanted blondes delivered monthly. They're all just ordinary average guys. They need those tax cuts to keep putting those saline bags in those kids to keep *America's Spirits* up. They need those tax cuts for fine Italian motorcars to drive once or twice a year. Without those tax cuts they won't buy the yachts that make us smile from outside the marina, or the walled mansions. Just like us.
I hear they burn better than the poors. Grab a torch and let's go find out.!
This is good news for McCain, right?
John McCain is too young for the Hef.
Megs seems just the right size, tho'
Roger Simon used to be a columnist for one of Chicago's finest (i.e., two) newspapers. Then he went away. He brightened the city by leaving it. (Apologies to, I think, Oscar Wilde. Or Oscar the Grouch. Or Oscar, but not Felix. Whatevs.)
He's that Roger Simon? I have an impression of reading Simon on the El back then that he could neither write nor report. Looks like that is still the case.
He is, but I made an error: he was at the Tribune, according to the-rotten-fake-political news site whose name we do not mention here, but I think he was the S-T, too.
Anyway, he's heading down the Newsmax hole, with any luck.
The "Big Bunny" was "the coolest private jet ever?" Are we sure it is not also the grooviest and the most really gone private jet ever, Daddy-O? I guess Hef has never seen the inside of one of those 747s customized for use by the rulers of some of the Persian Gulf oil states. Now they know how to customize a jet…
A really rich guy's maid described the interior of his 737 as "jus like home". Home is a $25million dollar address on Park Ave. I must say that it was jus like home, myself and some other peons unloaded 24 cases of Evian . They were not sure if the sleepy burb of Wail Colorado had fancy frenchy things like nasty tasting mineral water.
He graciously expunged the interlude in which Hef started huffing nitrous and screaming "Baby wants to fuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!".
I know there are many things in the world more loathsome than Hugh Hefner but he gets more repellent as he ages.
He did move up a spot when Bob Guccione died.
Just spray some Off and he'll leave the good people alone.
Roger Simon's editor needz to break out the
ridingwriting crop. Roger you've been a naughty little boy swat, snip, clipIts a touching testament to the power of money. And also, the power of pussy. Just look at that Texas billionaire that married Anna Nicole.
"Crestfallen" best describes the look on the faces of my male friends when I tell them that my 93 year old father-in-law's new girlfriend is 87. I think I'll start telling them he's got a second one on the line and she's 69. Boys are so silly.
You can totally make out the contours of Hugh Hefner's skull in that picture… like the Tales from the Crypt version of geriatric camel-toe.
Phrenology for Dummies.
It would have been so simple to put actual politics in this POLITICAL COLUMN — all he needed to do was find a way to mention masturbating, or witches.
Mr Limey Lizzie will turn 70 in March, he will also testify to the power of the pussy.
We all know that you're way hotter than Angela Lansbury.Hubba, hubba!
Suddenly, I feel like playing a game of solitaire to pass the time.
The power of pussy compels us, we are slaves to it.
Old Folks Doing Shit! At least that's what me and the missus like to say.
Pussy rules! (whimper)
No matter how many 20-somethings he vampirizes by banging, Hefner is going to die like the rest of us.
That widescreen Hef is awfully spookacious. But I spose the fullscreen version is downright horrifying, so please do not adjust the format to fit my brain TV.
As Tip O'Niell once observed "All politics is geriatric horn dogs". A maxim for the ages.
Why is an old man that walks around in his jammies and fantisizes and presumably fucks once in a while, women who are too young for him news?
Stuff associated with "women who are too young for him" comprises approx. 24% of the USAmerican economy. This is no time to fuck with that. Go Hef !
It's not so much news as human interest story, like "dog licks own balls."
Because he can.
Simon also mentioned wearing an onion on his belt, as was the style, but it was cut from the article. Damn copy editors.
And that's how Roger Simon invented "Sycophanting With The Stars".
And that's how Roger Simon came up with "Two and a Hef Men".
And that's how Roger Simon's first bro-mance began.
And that's how Roger Simon invented "Pajama Media".
If any one like Hef or even Hef are enjoying the comments section here… a reminder, this is supposed to be a trickle down economy. So when I meet your private jet on the tarmac, destroy more of what's left of my hearing, drive 70 miles on a highway so slick that we pass two roll overs, help you dig out your giant SUV at the Telluride airport, then drive on up to the mega mansion in Mountain village, $40 is an insult tip. Just digging out the stupid Suburban is $40 ok?
The sad thing is that Hef is now so old that even he must wed to keep getting laid.
This augers ill for horny Boomer men with nothing but Social Security and government subsidized prescriptions for Viagra.
Roger Simon may well know Hugh Hefner, but does Hugh Hefner know him?
How many of you smartasses have shoulder pads in your pajamas? Well?
So Hugh Hefner is a politician now?
Next thing you'll be trying to tell me that Roger Simon is older than 13.
I banged an Old for a short while, until I decided the $5 million in his bank account wasn't worth his taint in my mouth.
Totally fucking gross.
/shudder
TMI!
Simon left out the part where he overhears the new fiancee riding Hef hard in the next room, as she yells, "Come on Daddy, fill my womb with dust!"
Given how much Playboy's stock price has dropped in the last 10 years, she better hope he dies soon.
I'm sure Hugh is every bit as ordinary as I think he is.
Hugh Heffner, the henpecked swinger. He's probably a Republican and listens to Lawrence Welk these sad days. I remeber his Playboy TV show where he hosted JFK and Miles Davis. Age, in this case, does not equal wisdom.
Watching Murder She Wrote? I didn't watch that common channel filler when I was young (and I was when that show was hot) and I wouldn't watch it now if you pulled a gun on me. I always thought Playboy was sophmoric and just a little too "hep cat" for me. Hef could be doing anything ( or anyone) he wants and he sits on his nuts in front of the tube and watches crap TV. Just guessing, but I'll bet he hasn't given a good old Missouri horse-fucking in his entire life. He's spent a lifetime selling the sizzle, oblivious to the existence of steak.
Maybe incessant exposures to herpes keeps your arteries clean and supple. Who'd have guessed?
And, I like the irreverant comedic stylings of Sarah Silverman and Pepsi products. The question, however, remains the same: Who the fuck gives a shit?
Look, there. Only on Wonkette would I be encouraged, yea, pressured, into seeing how close I can get my cuss words to one another.
Either's okay, but if he takes the Cordoba, he has to take the cinderblocks on which it rests.
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