there's a conspiracy by everyone to not like her!

Christine O’Donnell: FBI Is Under Spell of Evil Warlock Joe Biden

Must be something they put in the french fries.Christine O’Donnell has put out a press release about her investigation by the FBI for misuse of her campaign funds, spent on personal expenses and a hovel-condo where she cooked lost children, presumably. Somehow, the press has not taken this statement and immediately reprinted the important facts it has brought to light. “So given that the King of the Delaware Political Establishment just so happens to be the Vice President of the most liberal Presidential administration in U.S. history, it is no surprise that misuse and abuse of the FBI would not be off the table.” Aha! Joe Biden has mixed up and fed to the unassuming FBI a potion that makes them go after only America’s very best patriots.

Christine O’Donnell continued, “Since anonymous sources are being taken seriously, please allow me to share some tips I’ve received and keep the tipsters’ identities anonymous.

So anonymous sources are not to be trusted? Or are they? It’s so hard to pin someone down when they’re so good on the quidditch stick.

We’ve been warned by multiple high-ranking Democrat insiders that the Delaware Democrat and Republican political establishment is jointly planning to pull out all the stops to ensure I would never again upset the apple cart. Specifically they told me the plan was to crush me with investigations, lawsuits and false accusations so that my political reputation would become so toxic no one would ever get behind me. I was warned by numerous sources that the DE political establishment is going to use every resource available to them.

This sounds pretty serious. Is she suggesting that neither the Democrats nor Republicans want her in their political party — the two legitimate ones in the country? But she is such a good politician! Look at that Senate seat she won for the Republicans!

Of course, this woman’s reputation could not get any more “toxic,” because it is a veritable witch’s brew made by her own hand. Her own hilarious, crazy-person hand. And this sort of investigation only makes her more impressive to her crazy base, which she realizes:

“I have faith that our supporters and the general public will see right through these thug tactics. This is simply an Establishment trick to stop the anti-establishment Tea Party movement in its tracks. Heck, the Presidency is at stake in 2012.”

Heck indeed. (When Christine said this out loud, how did the person writing the press release know she capitalized “establishment” and “presidency” and hit the space bar twice between sentences?)

Will someone tell her how to scheme the Teabaggers into funding a private mountain fortress for her, where she can conjure up conspiracy theories all day long out of nothing more than some lizard dust and a lock of Joe Biden’s hair? We need the entertainment, especially this week. [Weigel]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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152 comments

  1. slithytoves

    "I was told in September that a charge for a mattress was, indeed, for a mattress used to put up a staffer."

    You go, girl. Prostitution and witchcraft: the world's first and second oldest professions.

  2. SorosBot

    Well of course Biden wants to destroy Christine; after all, she nearly defeated him in his last Senate race, which he won by a mere 65-35 margin.

    However, Biden was only alive for the last few years of FDR's presidency, so it's kind of impossible for him to have been "Vice President of the most liberal Presidential administration in U.S. history".

  3. prommie

    She's kinda cute, but I don't think I would want to get behind her either, she's developed a rather large caboose, and the view from behind is the least attractive, unfortunately.

    1. mereoblivion

      Yowza, and that hovel-condo her chumps paid for came with its own meat-curtains–or, as they're identified in the FBI report, the drapes of wrath.

    2. natoslug

      The view from the front isn't such great shakes either, unless you've got a "Chris Burke in Drag" fetish . . . are you now or have you ever been a Corker?

      1. mrpuma2u

        a couple a months in the joint should help her lose that campaign 15, or maybe more like 30 from the looks of it. They can put her on the "sit ups and salads" regimen.

    3. SorosBot

      But in wingnut land, where people pretend Palin is attractive, being kind of cute, for an old lady, makes her the hottest woman ever.

      1. prommie

        "Old lady?" Jesus Christ, you would think I am methusela. Just you wait, you bastard, soon you'll be old and ugly too, and the young hotties won't even look at you, and even if they did, they're off limits, everyone will stare at the old creep with the young chick. Us olds, we got noone to fuck but each other, and don't be shining no harsh lights near us, hazy vision and darkness and shadows are our freinds.

    4. MrsBiggTime

      I though Sarah's breeding hips were great but this Christine is turning my bedknob into a broomstick. "…the Delaware Democrat and Republican political establishment is jointly planning to pull out all the stops to ensure I would never again upset the apple cart…" Yes, finally, something to bring together our warring political factions, "Let's put aside our petty, insignificant differences about war, taxes, and all that insignificant bullshit, and work together to stop Christine from saving the USA!"
      It's all part of that Obama post-partisan "we're not red states and blue states, but united states" malarkey. How did we NOT see that coming?

    5. MaxNeanderthal

      Kinda cute? Fuck me sideways, if that's cute, my cock's a baked alaska… Last time I saw teeth like that they were on the front end of an attacking mako.

  4. Crank_Tango

    Stare into my gleaming white teeth…this is a big fucking deal…do not trim that bush, guys love a raging 70's bush…stare into my gleaming white teeth…these aren't the droids you're looking for…

  5. Serolf_Divad

    We’ve been warned by multiple high-ranking Democrat insiders that the Delaware Democrat and Republican political establishment is jointly planning to pull out all the stops to ensure I would never again upset the apple cart.

    Christine, honey, I have it on good authority that Democrats have sent hair samples to Nazi scientists in Argentina and Brazil in an effort to clone you and ship multiple copies of you off to competitive races next year hoping you'll "upset the apple cart" a few more times and help deliver the congress back into Democratic hands in 2012.

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Yeah! Those high-ranking Democrats really have her back on this one. Except for the second highest ranking one.

    2. GOPCrusher

      Considering that this loon stated during her concession speech that she won, I think the statement that she's been warned by multiple high-ranking Democrat insiders of this plot to destroy her, should be viewed with a wee bit of skepticism.

  6. metamarcisf

    She's right. The FBI is on her like a Palin on a lumberjack and it's all Biden's fault. She more clever than we thought. Kudos to her. As Jesus said of the blind prostitute, "You really have to hand it to her."

  7. Come here a minute

    Don't eat the apple from her upset apple cart — it will make you fall asleep until you are kissed by a handsome prince!

  8. Hera Sent Me

    But we love you, Christine. I'll be happy to chip in on your rent so long as you keep running for office. Any office.

    Senator, congressman, governor, Attorney General of Guam. Just so long as you're out there everyday, being your cute-n-crazy self.

  9. SorosBot

    Christine, since you were already grifting from your campaign funds, you could have at least used some of that illegal money for a Brazilian.

  10. V572625694

    You wish that all these Repubes accusing Obama and Biden of thuggery could meet some real thugs and experience some authentic thuggery. It doesn't come in the form of clean-shaven Mormon-boy FBI agents politely asking you questions.

      1. Crank_Tango

        I hear they are banning bare-chest photos from his vacation because they are sick of shopping out his "thug life" tattoo…

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Or at least that Dave Chappelle would re-create his various sketches about the white man's worst nightmare to remind them what they were really supposed to be afraid of. To paraphrase, President Obama makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.

    2. slappypaddy

      "[C]lean-shaven Mormon-boy FBI agents politely asking you questions."

      these guys are actually a lot scarier than thuggy thugs. their calm, professional approach is based in their understanding that their outfit is the one with the nuclear weapons and predator drones.

      1. V572625694

        Had some GAO guys arrive in my office one sleepy Friday afternoon. That was a bit scary for just the reasons you mention.

        V572: "You came all the way from DC — how come you didn't call first?"
        GAO guy: "We just like to drop in…"

  11. forgracie

    Shut up and get a job bitch. A real job, not some think tank bullshit–make something or do something for Christ's sake.

  12. mumbly_joe

    Please. As though VPOTUS Joe Biden gives a shit about this trifing bitch. He actually has a job that he does for his income, you know, instead of illegally using campaign donations from idiots to buy groceries.

    Seriously: we all knew she was delusional, and had an ego and a half, but she honestly thinks that she's a political threat to Joe "Big Fucking Deal" Biden. Laughter.

    1. WriteyWriterton

      Christine O'Donnell + Joe Miller
      ——————————————
      Alvin Miller x (Basil Marceaux – Sharron Angle) = ?

      40 points.

      1. slappypaddy

        i calculated that one, teach. the answer crosses the schwarzschild radius and vanishes into the black hole of infinite stoopid.

          1. MaxNeanderthal

            Little Chrissy is well over the Chandrasekar limit of moron-mass to sustain her own incalculable cretinosity when the fuel of media interest is finally exhausted. Look for increasingly desperate attempts to burn other fuels before the inevitable giant crunch of collapse comes and all light vanishes from her, for ever….

    2. BerkeleyBear

      In her mind (where her Democratic sources live) it was her amazing 35 percent showing in 2008 and not Castle's reputation that kept Beau Biden out of the race. BTW I think Beau got Wally Pipped by the new guy and may have to move to another state to ever be in the Senate.

  13. Blendergoathead

    She should thank her pagan goddess it's only Biden behind this "sinister" plot.

    The Clintons would've just had her murdered like those dozens of cops and hookers back in Ar-Kansas.

    1. mumbly_joe

      Well, there's no conclusive proof that every murder that happened in Arkansas while he was Governor wasn't committed by Bill Clinton, personally, (other than alibi, lack of motive, other people found guilty beyond a reasonable doubt by a jury of their peers, and also the fact that some of them weren't actually murders, also) so what more evidence do you need? Especially if you make up contradictions to some of that paranthetical stuff from whole cloth?

      1. V572625694

        That's one very informative Web site! For instance, I did not know that Ted Olsen's wife was actually killed by the Clintons, who are responsible for the crash of AA 77 into the Pentagon on 9/11.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          It's well known that Hillary Clinton used proceeds from the sale of Wal-Mart stock to buy into the bin Laden Group.

          Also: why do you think Clinton's predator drones missed OBL when he was at that planning session back in '98?

  14. hagajim

    "We’ve been warned by multiple high-ranking Democrat…"

    Yeah like any Democrat worth 2 cents would even talk to this dumb ass. I'm sure her sources were conjured up in a witch's brew and she was able to use that brew to listen in on what was really happening with the establishment. Only thing she has established is that she is loooooonnnnnnneeeeeeeyyyyyyyy!

    1. HateMachine

      Also implying that any Democrat worth his/her salt wouldn't want Xtine running in every general election ever.

  15. Oblios_Cap

    She's just using this latest persecution – she's a Christian and a Christine; twice the Christ! – to fleece the flock out of more cash for her legal defense against this Travesty of Justice.

    Accountability – it's for other people!

    1. Ducksworthy

      Of course she's using her persecution to raise monies from her flock. But where's the harm in that? More power to her I say. You keep right on fleecing Christine. They deserve it. And if it wasn't you it might be somebody truly dangerous.

  16. walterhwhite

    Specifically they told me the plan was to crush me with investigations, lawsuits and false accusations so that my political reputation would become so toxic no one would ever get behind me.

    If no one wants to get behind her, she can always stick that quiddich stick up her self-import butt.

  17. mavenmaven

    Next: OK, the fancy hotels weren't my idea, but my boy friend Pudding-Beard's idea. He said," hey, I'm a Christian Rocker and you're on Fox news, dude, we should be able to rock out in a fancy hotel. God Bless and lets get naked!"

      1. DoktorZoom

        I'm not sure what hurt O'Donnell more–her complete insanity, or her sickly resemblance to Henry Fonda.

      2. Oblios_Cap

        He has the surname Major, and at birth his father gave him the first and middle names Major and Major,

        Actually, I made him a civilian.

  18. slappypaddy

    once she's finished cornering the market in doofus, she can rack up the prices, re-sell it to others more gullible than she (they must be out there, somewhere), and hire herself a competent attorney, the kind who will tell her to for god's sake stfu, as the feds have neither senses of humor nor of irony and anything she says can and will be used against her. for fuck's sake, she doesn't have the sense god gave a gnat.

  19. PublicLuxury

    Biden is sucha bully to be picking on precious. How mean is he? Why would the people of DE keep electing this meany to the Senate? Poor spore such toil and trouble she has cooked up ALL BY HERSELF.

    I don't know the man personally, from what I heard Biden is supposed to be a pretty nice and decent man. No wonder he's being attacked by "The Season Of The Witch".

    1. Pithaughn

      well he at least speaks his mind. No public figure speech filter for old Joe. Our losing guy here in the high country, Andrew Romanoff did not have much of a filter, and we love him. It was painful to campaign for Bennet, but fucking A we did it!!

  20. CapeClod

    Looks like she's about to begin soliciting the dopes that gave her money in the past to contribute to her legal defense fund. This woman will do anything to avoid getting a job.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      True.

      Biden gets better weed than Tom Petty. G-13, baby!

      (All the straight-edge kids I knew, in high-school, who for some reason were fixed on weed, claimed G-13 was the shorthand for the super-potent strains that gov't workers got to "research", by which I mean, smoke.)

  21. ManchuCandidate

    Raven hair and ruby lips
    A forest that's between her hips
    Crazy voice from the Right
    She’s a grifting spirit on an endless fight
    Wooo hooo witchy woman, see how
    Big she Lies
    Woo hoo witchy woman she got
    The FBI in her eye
    She tried to make a newt in the night
    Blabbing loads of Palin-lite
    Crazy laughter in another
    Room and she bought herself a matress
    With campaign dough
    Wooo hooo witchy woman, see how
    Big she Lies
    Woo hoo witchy woman she got
    The FBI in her eye

  22. PsycWench

    We’ve been warned by multiple high-ranking Democrat insiders ="we read on the internet"
    my political reputation would become so toxic = "they realize that I'm really crazy; it's not a schtick".

    Makes more sense now.

  23. Rotundo_

    It must be one hell of a moment when you discover that the entire of your life for the last 8 some years is in violation of campaign laws and you are being investigated for said violations. She almost certainly thought that those donations legitimately could be used to clothe, feed and shelter the candidate. Stupid can be funny, but this almost leaps the chasm into pathetic territory. Palin milking the tea party morons is amusing because she is likely just a little smarter than her marks, but this one really believes her own delusional bullshit. Eeeesh, good luck in prison, megamuffy.

  24. Redhead

    “So given that the King of the Delaware Political Establishment just so happens to be the Vice President of the most black Presidential administration in U.S. history, I'm going to assume that anything they say or do that I disagree with is an evil conspiracy against me because I don't like or trust dark people.”

    Fixed.

    Oh, and "so that my political reputation would become so toxic no one would ever get behind me." – WOULD? Sweetie, you're there. Maybe try casting a sanity spell on yourself next time.

  25. WABishop

    Isn't one of the anonymous sources "that are being taken seriously" her own (ex-) campaign manager? Whose chosen mode of anonymity was to record a robocall containing the allegations under her own name?

  26. glamourdammerung

    O'Donnell herself stated she paid rent with campaign funds. This is not legal to do under any circumstances. Biden did not go to O'Donnell's house, put a gun to her head, and make her embezzle funds.

    Of course, admitting wrong after admitting to doing the wrong act instead of whining about being a victim would show some of that personal responsiblity conservatives like to talk about be never actually display

  27. Tundra Grifter

    From today's AP story:

    "O'Donnell said she found it suspicious that she, her campaign staff and her lawyer have not been informed of a federal investigation…" I've watched a lot of tv, and the first thing law enforcement does when it opens an investigation is announce to the suspect that it has started.

    "'Given that the king of the Delaware political establishment just so happens to be the vice president of the most liberal presidential administration in U.S. history…,' she said." The most liberal presidential administration in U.S. history was under Roosevelt, Theodore.

    Remember: Most white collar criminals go to prison for what they did after they were indicted!

    1. slappypaddy

      for whatever record this is, when a law enforcement agency opens an investigation and when it informs the suspects they are being investigated are two different things that don't always meet. which means, you can be a subject of a law enforcement investigation and never know it. that doesn't usually happen, since law enforcement agencies don't usually waste their resources investigating innocent people, but what it means is that law enforcement agencies generally prefer, if possible, to gather the information and evidence necessary before tipping off the perps. or alleged perps.

  28. Ducksworthy

    Ahem. You all can mock sweet bushy Christine but keep in mind that the teabaggers sent her $7.3 million of their Social Security dollars. How much did they send you?

  29. MarionNYNY

    If you think about it, it's a brilliant scheme (a) find the most awful candidate ever (b) run for office (c) raise lots of money from gullible investors er contributors (In Old Lady and Grumpy Old Man Land), (d) lose the election by an overwhelming margin so you won't have to pay anyone back (e) hightail it to Brazil before the authorities get wise.

    And when you got it: Flaunt it baby!

    She would have been in an even bigger mess if she had WON.

  30. helctic

    ring….ring…."Hello"
    "Uuh, hi, Christine. High ranking Democrat insider here. Now you didn't hear this from me, but the higher ups are upset with your poison apple cart chicanery and plan to crush you with investigations, lawsuits, false accusations or possibly a falling house. The eventual goal is to make your behind toxic."
    "My behind?"
    "Yes, your caboose, your turd cutter…anyway the initial plan I hear is to label you a witch."
    "I'm not a witch. That's ridiculous! Next they'll say I'm a Muslim witch…are you still there?"
    "Where were you born, Christine?"

  31. DashboardBuddha

    I have faith that our supporters

    Our supporters…OUR? No Christine, there is no "our". The FBI is not interested in the petty little ducklings blown about in the gale of your erstwhile campaign bid. No ma'am…they going after the mama duck…you. Enjoy your time in stir you miserable little grifter.

  32. Gold_ManSacks

    Clearly Joe doesn't understand how much gingerbread house construction costs have risen since that African Witch Doctor voodooed his way into the White House

  33. WriteyWriterton

    I want to see the scene where she talks to herself in two voices about the nasty Bidenses, and decides to lead them to their death, after the one Biden reveals her to Faramor (i.e., US Attorney/DOJ/FEC) when she's diving for fish in the forbidden pool.

    Also.

  34. genxr

    Of course. We couldn't defeat her in the election, so now we have to go after her with some underhanded trick called "law."

  35. imissopus

    Pssst, Christine…I think those high-ranking Democratic insiders are just fucking with you so you can make yet more public statements that sound like they come from a crazy homeless person on a subway. Then they sit back and laugh to each other. It's a slow time of year news-wise and they take their entertainment where they can get it.

  36. Eve8Apples

    "…no one would ever get behind me."

    Oh Chrissy, there are plenty of Wonkette boys who love to get behind a crazy bitch like you. Don't be so hard on yourself.

  37. Native_of_SL_UT

    When do we stop calling Republican campaign contributions "campaign contributions" and start referring to them as what they really are – "victim restitution funds."

  38. GOPCrusher

    Sounds like Bible Spice's writer is also working for Xtine.
    If there is such an All-Powerful Democratic Organization capable of destroying the political careers of Xtine, Bible Spice, Sharron Angle, etc. , silencing any media opposition, and committing widespread voter fraud, why are we about to have Drunky McNicotineStain as Speaker Of The House?

  39. Tundra Grifter

    From today's AP story:

    "At least two former campaign workers have alleged that she routinely used political contributions to pay personal expenses including her rent as she ran for the Senate…O'Donnell has acknowledged paying part of her rent with campaign money, arguing that her house doubled as a campaign headquarters…

    "Federal law prohibits candidates from spending campaign money for personal benefit. FEC rules state that this prohibition applies to the use of campaign money for a candidate's mortgage or rent 'even if part of the residence is being used by the campaign,' although O'Donnell's campaign has maintained that it was told otherwise by someone at the agency. "

    She admits she broke the law but refuses to accept responsibility for it. Why bother actually researching the rules? And she thinks she should be in the United States Senate?

    Remember: Most white collar criminals go to prison for what they did after they were indicted!

  40. Sassomatic

    How is she supposed to get elected to the institution she wants to dismantle if she is forced to follow the rules of that institution? That's not fair!

  41. Slim_Pickins

    Next she will say, "Show me where in the Constitution its says I can't spend contributions to my campaign any way I please."

  42. AlaskaGrrl

    Soooo… instead of responding with, like opening up her campaign spending records to public inspection and saying she has nothing to hide, she plays the victim and blames Joe Biden? Yeah, that will do it.

    1. SorosBot

      So let's get this straight: it was a conspiracy that the IRS audited her just because she may have cheated on her taxes a bit; um, Christine, if the authorities are after you because they have reasonable suspicion that you have broken the law, that is not a conspiracy but doing their job.

  43. Veritas78

    Nothing brings out the FBI's Retribution Squad like losing 35 to 65. True fact: they fear the biggest losers the most.

  44. Negropolis

    Honestly, guys, how do you expect a woman whose party rails against unemployment benefits to make a living? "Get a job." is only advice given to welfare queens, browns, and blacks. Grifting is an honorable profession in the white-people's Republican Party.

  45. Tundra Grifter

    Am I the only person who thinks Christine O'Donnell never really left high school?

    She thinks she's picked on because so many people hate her. she doesn't have a real job so she survives on money she's given, she hangs out on ClusterFox with the same little group of friends, and she's always talking without having much to say.

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