Christine O’Donnell has put out a press release about her investigation by the FBI for misuse of her campaign funds, spent on personal expenses and a hovel-condo where she cooked lost children, presumably. Somehow, the press has not taken this statement and immediately reprinted the important facts it has brought to light. “So given that the King of the Delaware Political Establishment just so happens to be the Vice President of the most liberal Presidential administration in U.S. history, it is no surprise that misuse and abuse of the FBI would not be off the table.” Aha! Joe Biden has mixed up and fed to the unassuming FBI a potion that makes them go after only America’s very best patriots.
Christine O’Donnell continued, “Since anonymous sources are being taken seriously, please allow me to share some tips I’ve received and keep the tipsters’ identities anonymous.
So anonymous sources are not to be trusted? Or are they? It’s so hard to pin someone down when they’re so good on the quidditch stick.
We’ve been warned by multiple high-ranking Democrat insiders that the Delaware Democrat and Republican political establishment is jointly planning to pull out all the stops to ensure I would never again upset the apple cart. Specifically they told me the plan was to crush me with investigations, lawsuits and false accusations so that my political reputation would become so toxic no one would ever get behind me. I was warned by numerous sources that the DE political establishment is going to use every resource available to them.
This sounds pretty serious. Is she suggesting that neither the Democrats nor Republicans want her in their political party — the two legitimate ones in the country? But she is such a good politician! Look at that Senate seat she won for the Republicans!
Of course, this woman’s reputation could not get any more “toxic,” because it is a veritable witch’s brew made by her own hand. Her own hilarious, crazy-person hand. And this sort of investigation only makes her more impressive to her crazy base, which she realizes:
“I have faith that our supporters and the general public will see right through these thug tactics. This is simply an Establishment trick to stop the anti-establishment Tea Party movement in its tracks. Heck, the Presidency is at stake in 2012.”
Heck indeed. (When Christine said this out loud, how did the person writing the press release know she capitalized “establishment” and “presidency” and hit the space bar twice between sentences?)
Will someone tell her how to scheme the Teabaggers into funding a private mountain fortress for her, where she can conjure up conspiracy theories all day long out of nothing more than some lizard dust and a lock of Joe Biden’s hair? We need the entertainment, especially this week. [Weigel]