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The news was fetus-jarring.Can you believe it’s been nearly 38 years since Roe v. Wade was settled? That’s the lifetimes of like two and a half Justin Biebers. So it should come as no surprise that we still have to hear about this thing day in and day out, yes? Good, because that’s the case. Fetuses did not do much themselves this year, but former fetuses, people who think they still know what it’s like to be a young fetus today, did. Among them, of course, was the Bush family, who let us know about the amusing time Barbara had a miscarriage and the fetus was stuffed in a jar that was then stuffed in George W.’s face, still warm. This is always such a fun issue.

“She said to her teenage kid, ‘Here’s the fetus,’ ” the shockingly candid Bush told NBC’s Matt Lauer, gesturing as if he were holding the jar during the TV chat, a DVD of which The Post exclusively obtained.

“There’s no question that affected me, a philosophy that we should respect life,” said the former president

Put it next to those apricot preserves, would you, George? If we can manage to keep our hands out of that delicious fetus jar for a month or two, it will make a terrific Christmas gift!

Later, Barbara shed a little light on the situation, to Larry King:

BARBARA BUSH: I didn’t put it in the jar.

KING: What?

BARBARA BUSH: It’s not in the library. No …

KING: I know.

BARBARA BUSH: George — Paula put it in the jar. And I was shocked when she gave it to him to — but, you know, memories dim a little bit but, anyway — but he was very …

You see, it was the maid who put it in the jar! Blue-bloods don’t do their fetus canning themselves. There are people to do these very normal, everyday things for them.

Nothing can quite match the vomit-inducing thrill of America meeting its near 45th president, Fetus Jar Bush. But there were other things! Sarah Palin would only talk about Republicans saving fetuses if a megachurch paid her, which then made them lose their tax-exempt status (the Christians, not the fetuses). Tom Tancredo briefly ran for president of Colorado and criticized the Teabagger Republican lieutenant governor candidate for being soft on abortion and supporting it in cases of rape. Sharron Angle did something similar. Rape and incest is awesome when it creates precious babies! Yay!

Then there was this:

The anti-abortion activist filmed two skits while in downtown. One of them involved Randall’s employee constructing gallows to hang the mannequin with [Lindsey] Graham’s picture on it.

The other skit involved a stick and a pinata. The workers hit the pinata, which had a picture of Graham on it, until plastic babies fell out of it.

It warranted a Blingee:

Don't go chasing fetus falls.

And Bart Stupak did the only thing he’s ever really done in Congress: Make sure health care reform would force women to have babies. The spirit of this fucking awful wedge issue lives on!

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  • ShiftyParadigm

    Duggar/Octomom 2012!

  • Beowoof

    Fetus in a jar, sounds as if it is a prop Newsmax would advertise for your next anti abortion protest. And if you order in the next 10 minutes Judith Miller will cover your event.

  • bumfug

    If Jesus wanted aborted babies to live, he'd bring 'em back to life.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      And he definitely would not allow us to invent the mason jar.

  • So there were at least two Bush offspring that would have made a better president than the one who was "elected."

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Nah, the Fetus would have brought Cheney in to pick Cheney as its VP also.

      • GOPCrusher

        I think we have to blame Papa Bush for that call.
        Papa Bush : Dick?
        Darth Cheney: Yes, George.
        Papa Bush: I want you to run for VP and keep an eye on lil Georgie. He's a bit slow you know.
        Darth Cheney: Whatever you want George. (Cue the Imperial March Song from Star Wars)

  • When fetuses are outlawed, only terrorists will have jars!

    No wait…

    When guns are out-fetused, can't get fooled again.

    Jarring, isn't it?
    ~

  • littlebigdaddy

    I can't believe no one has ever thought of a fetus pinata before. That is brilliant, and sure to be a big hit at my next cinco de mayo party! Even better would be a partial birth abortion pinata.

    • V572625694

      Really better for a quinceañera, which denotes the official beginning of fetus-creating-ness.

      • MommysFetusJar

        Ha ha. And for the quinceañera party favors: tulle wrapped, brand new, empty fetus jars with the celebrant's name and quinceañera date printed up on decorative labels affixed to the jars. I think these might work for wedding favors as well. The fetus jar industry is a vast universe of endless possiblities.

        • PublicLuxury

          Fetus Jar Industry will soon overtake the Funeral Casserole Industry.

      • littlebigdaddy

        That's true! Innovations like this require the development of an etiquette. I am just now wondering if it is acceptable to mix in dismembered doll parts with some bloody stew meat.

        • the_problem_child

          If your stew is still bloody, you're doing the stew part wrong.

  • Oldskool_

    Threads like this scream for theme music. Dead Babies, for example.

    • Dead babies can take care of themselves
      dead babies can't take things off the shelf

      sometimes i forget how awesome alice was.

      • BeWoot

        Was is the key word here.

    • AddHomonym

      Lightning crashes, Bar Bar cries.
      Her fetus falls to the floor.
      When Paula opens her jar, the ideology sets in,
      Before George can even come in from the hall.

      Oh now see the image comin' up again
      Of a jarred-up fetus — chase that away!
      Forces pullin' from the right wing of the GOP
      I can feel it !

  • JackObin

    Pickles in a jar. It might be tough to fit her buttocks in, however.

  • not that Dewey

    22 weeks is such a fun age.

    • PublicLuxury

      22 weeks fun? They hang out at truck stops and rest areas just looking for trouble. That ain't right.

  • DaSandman

    I always thought that Babs was a ball busting common scold. I was right, look at Georgie 1 & 2. Those eyes alone belong in a zombie flick.

  • PublicLuxury

    First we are being FORCED to shower with teh gay and now we have to shower with fetus-in-a-jar!

    I want MY country back.

    I will NOT pick the soap up for a fetus. No way. Not now. Not ever.

  • OkieDokieDog

    Denying women Freedom of Choice is a high priority by the Christian Conservative Cocksucker Cunts in Congress.

    And the Christian Conservative Women are against it too.

  • Radiotherapy

    I think User-of-Owls comment about the Iraqi kids in jars was the best of the year.
    His hookworm meme was a close second.

    • user-of-owls

      As always, my wavelengthed friend, my feathers are gratefully ruffling…whrrr, whrrr.

    • Oblios_Cap

      "Poopyhead"ing the trolls was a brilliant move, too.

  • user-of-owls

    Fetuses, jars and dead Iraqi children put owls on the map. Three hundred fifty odd fists. If only I'd had the sense to never post again.

    • gef05

      Oh, I just moused over your avatar. +1 for being a Popul Vuh fan (band or mythology – personally, I prefer the band).

    • Would it be too jarring to make a fetus piñata with a poopyhead?

    • Not_So_Much

      You won't fists any more odd than this bunch…

  • VicariousMe

    It's too soon.

  • I still have to read the rest of this screed (and comments screed) but I just want to say how FUCKIN AWESOME that Blingee is. No, it's no longer a Blingee, it's a Blingee! is what I'm going to say from now on.

  • Crank_Tango

    unsurprisingly, jar jar bush still has the most brains in the family, and he is probably in a landfill somewhere, or a bar, maybe running a cartel down in mexico.

  • Now I feel really sad – Bush is so liquor-addled that he thought his mom gave him the canned fetus. Why doesn't that man have jake-leg is what I'm saying.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Roe v. Wade is just the prototype. Republicans are already calling for the overturning of the Supreme Court Cases on the commerce clause that outlawed child labor, safe products and anything else the Federal Government has touched. Soon they will be yelling that Brown v. Board of Education must go, as who is the government to tell us that our child must sit next to a brown (possibly Kenyan born) child. Hell, the Teabaggers and Glenn Beck won't be happy until Marbury v. Madison is overturned and John Roberts rules that the Founders did not understand the original intent of the Constitution.

    • You paint an apocalyptic picture but who's to say it won't come to pass? I'm only halfway snarky on this point, and that's sad. More rum and coke, plz.

      • DashboardBuddha

        RE Rum and coke: I'm fighting a cold right now and I'm finding that apple brandy and orange juice is a delightful combination.

        • Ooh. Fist up for delightful-sounding combinations. NYR is to be more edumacated on cocktails.

          • BeWoot

            Tequila, champagne and a dash of grenadine. I call it the Mr. Woody and it'll cure anything but snarkiness.

          • Yikes, does that mean you'll get a "Mr. Woody" after drinking said concoction? I do not want it to cure snarkiness because I need moar of it for 2011.

          • BeWoot

            Well, results may vary. But it is a remarkably tasty beverage.

          • /adding to list

    • Negropolis

      and John Roberts rules that the Founders did not understand the original intent of the Constitution.

      I was laughing my ass off, and then stop and got the sadz because I realized how much of a reality that could be not-so-far down the road. :(

      • JustPixelz

        Paleotelepathy : The ability of TP'ers to read the thoughts of the long-ago deceased, see seance

        • horsedreamer_1

          This is the common ground the Republicans will cite in nominating that heathen, Mitt Romney, in 2012. It's not so far from paleotelepathy to baptism of the dead.

          • Ducksworthy

            When baptism of the dead becomes the law of the land, we will know we have arrived.

          • GOPCrusher

            Can't see it. Mormons weren't on the Mayflower.

          • Negropolis

            But, the people that would become the Mormons were. Ah! See what I did there?

            It always surprises me that the state with the highest percentage of residents who claim English ancestry is Utah. I always thought Utah would be a lot like the South, where people that don't care much for history back beyond the Civil War simply claim "American" ancestry.

        • WriteyWriterton

          Paleotelepathy is enabled by the condition known as "anachrocephaly" – jamming your head up your past.

          • MsQuasimodo

            They have the condition known as "anencephaly" – lack of brain matter above the brain stem.

      • OneDollarJuana

        And we all know where those types of actions always lead. Revolution in 1… 2…

  • TanzbodenKoenig

    Is it bad that a phrase like "Fetus Jar Bush" makes me know that I really fit in here? 'Cause if that's wrong, I don't want to be right.

    • GOPCrusher

      Fetus Jar Bush would make a great band name.

  • Sassomatic

    Putting your dead fetus in a jar is Respect for Life, just like sending kids off to fight pointless wars.

  • rocktonsam

    which was the successful one?

    JR. or FETUS

  • Tommmcatt

    If I were Beiber, my orgasm would produce rainbow bridges as well.

    If only…..

  • slithytoves

    Re: the fetus (I wrote that!) "Paula put it in a jar"? And where exactly was it before then? Put on the stove by the cook for some pudding? Wrapped in foil underneath the vanity? Rich people.

  • Barbara_i

    The wrong baby was in the jar. Babs had her D.C. D&C and we got stuck for two terms with the one who should have been in the jar in the first place.

    • Redhead

      When you get that nifty pill abortion that they do now, as opposed to the more traditional vacuum one, you actually take one medicine one day and then take a different medicine a day or two later to complete the induced miscarriage. Before you get the first dose, the doc makes you sign a piece of paper saying you will finish the process, because if you don't the first dose by itself causes birth defects and severe mental retardation.

      Apparently no one made Babs sign that form…

  • SudsMcKenzie

    I heard that fetus was looking for aluminum tubes and yellow cake.

  • FETUS: Mrs. Palin, Mrs. Palin.
    SARAH: Yes Fetus
    FETUS: Mrs. Palin a high plains grifter is over making trouble at the Wrong Dance Saloon.
    SARAH: I thought Ms. Kitty's place was the Long Branch?
    FETUS: Yessem, used to be called that, but that was before Bristol finished second there dancing with jars.
    SARAH: Fetus, you mean Dancing with the Stars.
    FETUS: No'mam, it got the name switcheroo after Babs Bush give Rick Perry a Mason jar with a Cabbage Patch doll in it, or maybe she gave her son Shrub a Bell jar with his Dad's balls in it, or she gave her maid a jar with Cletus in it. I haz a confused.
    SARAH: Maybe we need Perry Mason to see who was balling Babs about the Bell jars?

    • oh my gosh, if I wasn't so lazy I'd be on Xtranormal turning that into an animation.

    • Guess I wasn't so lazy, after all. Merry something or other.

      • slappypaddy

        open the pod bay doors, hali.

        • Is that the 21st-century equivalent of the hook?

  • Jukesgrrl

    We had exciting wingnut abortion news in Tucson, too, this year. For half a century, the vice president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has always been elevated to the presidency when the previous president's term of office expires. But not this year. Oh, noes!!

    Tucson Bishop Gerald Kicanas (who doesn't demand citizenship papers before offering communion!!1!) had earned the job by serving three years as vice president. That is until a cabal of "right-wing Catholic bloggers" (would that be YOU, KLo???), urged their readers to deluge the hotel where the bishops were meeting with protest faxes and phone calls demanding a more "orthodox" president. (And probably also one whose name sounded more Irish.)

    According to the Associated Press, "Kicanas has not denied Communion to any Catholic politicians and rejected calls to punish the president of the University of Notre Dame for honoring President Barack Obama, who supports abortion rights. Kicanas instead urged bishops and Catholic university presidents to start a discussion about their differences." The nerve of him.

    The presidency instead went to New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan (of the ASSIMILATED immigrant Dolans, who speak ENGLISH). Do any of you remember him kicking the thrice-married Rudy Giuliani to the curb, because I don't. So much for orthodoxy.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Perhaps Archbishop D will start sessions of the CCB by reading the Constitution aloud.

      I'm not even Catholic and I'm wondering when I died and went to Bizarro Limbo. (I'm sure Limbo must be back by now). Or Bizarro Purgatory (did Purgatory ever go away?)

      • Jukesgrrl

        I consulted with my Still-Attending-Mass-But-Not-Enthusiastically mother. She says limbo did its limbo and has not returned. Apparently, many Catholics were really freaked out by the idea of invisible, unbaptized baby-souls — including the Bush fetus, no doubt, unless they had a Mexican servant who did the job — hovering about in a state of distress. Purgatory, however, lives on — as a concept at least. I'm sure if we need a vivid description of it, Rick Santorum would happily oblige and K-Lo would believe him.

  • user-of-owls

    "Paula put it in a jar" is this generation's "What's the frequency, Kenneth?"

    • Not_So_Much

      "Paula put it in a jar" could be a euphemism for just about any unnatural act in that family…

      • not that Dewey

        "Paula put it in a jar" versus "rub it on Anywhere it Hurts and Feel the Difference" — I can't decide; it's just too much.

  • natoslug

    If God had wanted us to make our own decisions, he would have given us free will. Wait, what?

    • Not_So_Much

      And jars. He wouldve given us moar jars. Also.

      • natoslug

        Mason canning jars: Doing the lord's work since 1858 (for all your fetal canning needs, and More!).

    • ShaveTheWhales

      No Calvin stamps for you.

    • Oblios_Cap

      You've only got free will to make the right decision. Otherwise, you're screwed.

      But no one believes in fate. It's not like gawd has drawn you a personal road map that he expects your life to follow.

    • JustPixelz

      My favorite Bible passage is Eve eating the fruit of knowledge. She knew what it meant — mortality, defiance of all-powerful God, knowledge of good and evil. She eats it anyway. Eve's great gift to us is free will.

      Then Adam comes upon her, sees she's eaten the fruit. He too knows what it means — Eve will die. Then he eats the fruit too, to die with her rather than live without her. Adam's great gift to us is love.

      • natoslug

        And then they had some kids and grandkids, a few of which turned out to fundies, who promptly claimed that Eve was a whore who doomed us all, and thousands of years later, they'll still harping on it. Truly, a kind and loving God would have provided access to safe and affordable abortions in the Garden of Eden and saved us from having to deal with the hatred and narrowmindedness of those who claim to be his truest believers.

      • Negropolis

        Yeah, it was all the woman's fault and the man's fatal flaw was that he loved too much, right?

  • Steverino247

    The issue is never going away because political operatives on both sides of the argument are able to raise too much money off it. It also provides a quick-and-dirty way to tell one candidate from another. For example, a candidate is either a baby killer or a righteous man to one side and an enlightened rational being or a wingnut to the other.

    "As long as there's a steady paycheck in it, I'll believe in anything" is not just a good line from Ghostbusters.

    • AddHomonym

      I call false equivalence! Who are you, Jon Stewart?!

    • Between this comment and the Three Stooges avatar, it's clear you're not a woman.

      • Steverino247

        I've escorted women past the crazies at clinics, including one where the bomb failed to explode as I got there that morning. I don't have a uterus, true, but respect the rights of those who have them to do what they want with them.

        My comment has to do with political reality, not reproductive choices. I'd love for the issue to be resolved (i.e., for women to have complete reproductive freedom without any interference or financial obstacles), but that's not going to happen. Having been politically active in the past, I have first-hand knowledge of why–fund raising.

  • Schmannnity

    Still, a Bush fetus in a jar is better than a Palin in the Whitehouse.

    • natoslug

      If only the rest of the stillborn Bush's had been canned . . .

  • MittsHairHelmet

    I retracted my previous comment. We have to keep a certain level of decorum here. We're talking about a member of the Bush family.

  • ttommyunger

    So, the rightards want a hung Lindsey Graham to have their baby, right? Sounds like something Lindsey would go for, too. Maybe a Ham Biscuit thrown in for good measure. Yowsuuuh!

    • hey-o!

      • ttommyunger

        Meka-Lika-Hi-Mini-Hiney-Ho!

  • Veritas78

    The fetus was the lucky one. The rest of her spew had to serve out their full sentences in that nasty cunt. Hard time, indeed!

  • FOTUS

  • mourningnmerica

    Contrary to speculation on this site, I doubt that FETUS will be POTUS. Hey wait, that sounds like a Danny Kaye routine.

  • chascates

    …a philosophy that we should respect life,” said the former president.

    So he could have actually had less respect for the lives of people in the Middle East if he hadn't be introduced to Sister Science-Experiment-in-a-Jar?

  • Negropolis

    They sure do seem to have a hard-on for hanging shit down there is South Crackalacka, don't they?

  • smokefilledroommate

    I imagine a lonely, friendless young Dubya carrying the jar with him everywhere he went:

    ♫ My Fetus, My Fetus,
    Wherever I go, it goes.

    My Fetus, My Fetus,
    I’ll teach it everything that I know ♪

    My Fetus and me
    Like to climb up a tree ♪

    My Fetus and me
    We're the best friends that could be! ♪

    My Fetus, My Fetus
    My Fetus and Meeeee! ♫

  • PsycWench

    “There’s no question that affected me, a philosophy that we should respect life,” said the former president

    How would this work? Was that a live fetus in the jar b/c of space-age technology? Did the tiny fetus hold a tiny sign that when viewed up close read "This Could Be You"?

  • Come here a minute

    Shrub's 'autobiography' omits the other dozens of jars that are important in his life. After he was awakened to the awesomeness of a life, in a jar, he realized he needed to keep all his half-lives in a jar as well. Thus the world will be enriched by the GWB Library Masturbation Jar Wing, opening fifty years after the death of the (whole) former preznit. (Every single one is sacred.)

    • I am seldom grossed out by Wonkette comments. Congratulations, I guess.

  • Ducksworthy

    I am proud to live in a country where thousands of borned peoples die every year to assure that government of the fetus, by the fetus and for the fetus shall not perish from the earth. Amen.

  • GunTotingProgressive

    Whack fore a daddy-o,
    Whack fore a daddy-o,
    There's Foetus in a jar!

  • hagajim

    Fetus Jar Bush – our next President – damn I thought Fetus Jar Bush was our last President's brain.

  • walterhwhite

    Has anyone else noticed that every year, W looks more like a chimp?

  • MiniMencken

    Too bad Babbs didn't have the corpse of an Iraqi hit with a 25 millimeter chain gun round in her Houston freezer to show Georgie. Things might have gone differently in 2003.

  • I am of the opinion that Fetus Jar Bush would have made a better President.

    "Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong." (the only funny thing Dennis Miller ever said)

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