top ramen larceny

FBI To Put Christine O’Donnell In Azkaban For Campaign Fraud

Nice try, Death Eater. You will never take masturbation away from us.An anonymous source has told AP that perennial Senate witch Christine O’Donnell is under investigation by the FBI for campaign fraud. Which is too bad, because the entire news media would like to high-five this source right now. So how did the crack FBI team figure out that O’Donnell was “using campaign money to pay personal expenses”? Perhaps they talked to someone who has read any news story about her ever, aside from those about the precise blueprints of her vaginal bat cave. Is the entire Tea Party gang and its fundraising prowess nothing more than the result of an illegal witch spell?

Isn’t it strange how a person who has earned no income over the past half-decade and yet is not living on the streets could be charged with any kind of financial fraud? Same old lamestream FBI bullshit. If you listen to the real FBI, the one made by O’Donnell out of pipe cleaners and dragon blood, she’s actually been too good with her finances, and the FBI that’s charging her should be the ones thrown in prison.

Unfortunately, everyone who watched her campaign ads is going to get arrested too. Because she is all of you. Sorry! [AP]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


    1. Tundra Grifter

      Actually, it was Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum who certainly appeared to be using campaign funds for personal use.

  1. V572625694

    Speaking of masturbation, and speaking as a person without knowledge of the investigation, I have to say that this is one fine piece of Professional Journalism!

    "Federal authorities have opened a criminal investigation of Delaware Republican Christine O’Donnell to determine if the former Senate candidate broke the law by using campaign money to pay personal expenses, according to a person with knowledge of the investigation." …The person spoke to The Associated Press on condition of anonymity to protect the identity of a client who has been questioned as part of the probe. "

    This "person" demanded anonymity because it was in his or her interest to remain anonymous, and your writer granted it because he or she was anxious for a story. Couldn't we just fucking say that, instead of dancing around it?

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        This isn't even the canonical version: "The person spoke on condition of anonymity because he/she was not authorized to release the information".

        1. doxastic

          I always thought the canonical version was "The person spoke on condition of anonymity because s/he wanted to have all the perks of mouthing off in public with none of the responsibility."

    1. MsQuasimodo

      And in prison, Xtine will not have to worry about paying for her food or shelter or medical expenses – the taxpayers will! What a sneaky little fucking socialist!!!111 Also.

    1. aqua_buddha

      Sore Loser-Men Blame Master-Debater For Socialist Show-Trial.
      Pretty Pol Nitpicked By Peevish Press.


  2. MittsHairHelmet

    Can't a pretty girl just pay her rent with gullible angry old white people's money anymore? I thought this was America.

    1. GOPCrusher

      The FBI was just waiting for a clue. Kind of like when they found out that the Gambino Family was into garbage collection.

  3. SorosBot

    See, there's the difference between the traditional Republicans and the teabaggers; the traditional GOP candidates are at least smart enough to hide their fraud, and get away with it for at least awhile.

  4. SmutBoffin

    This calls for a nationwide display of solidarity with Our Heroic Candidate of Values and Women Things. I propose that all Americans go home tonight, think about masturbating (but don't do it!), then pray, then be abject failures forever.

    1. mereoblivion

      go home tonight: check
      think about masturbating: What do you mean, "think about" it? What would "thinking about" it sound like? How will I know if I'm "thinking about" it?
      (but then don't do it!) Can't remember how
      pray: Can't remember how
      be abject failure forever: Can't remember how not to

  5. Weenus299

    Let's see if any prison marm turns down that snatch. I don't think they care whether there's a landing strip down there or not.

  6. horsedreamer_1

    Watch CNN & Fox dig up some city council candidate for a town of 5,000 in Ohio or Nebraska, who ran as a Democrat, so they can say, "Everybody does it".

    Then, watch Jon Stewart go along with that canard.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      In which case, at least half of American's (female) (Catholic) high-school population is on the hook, too.

  7. MistaEko

    This is when she hosts a press conference announcing that she's quitting … whatever for the people of Delaware, right?

    The perfect protege, milady.

  8. OkieDokieDog

    Another example of too much government regulations. That money was given to her to spend as she saw fit, even if it was for Tuna Melts and kitty litter.

  9. slithytoves

    Any anonymous source

    Damnit, Jack, just give me the super-secret access code, and I'll start fixing these spelling errors for you already.

    Unless of course, you really do mean "any."

      1. DashboardBuddha

        The way these young 'uns come up with double entendres makes my poor old head spin. I can't keep up.

  10. Ducksworthy

    This is just absurd. If all you ever do and all you've ever done is campaign, then every expense you have, including your house and meals and student loans etc. is a campaign expense. Also the Brazilian wax.

  11. weejee

    Isn't there something about chasing hurlz after wine? No, eh casings whirled before vines. Still not right? Ah, rapping about twine and curls. Shit… oh yeah, casting swine in pearl chokers. That's it.

  12. Oblios_Cap

    O’Donnell, who set a state record by raising more than $7.3 million in a tea party-fueled campaign this year

    I realize that we truly live in the United States of Stupid when an airhear like Xtine can raise that kinda money to run a half-assed campaign for the Senate.

    1. GOPCrusher

      You would think that these Tea Baggers that want to burn the government to the ground because a black man is spending their tax money providing for the common good, would be showing up out side of Xtine's with pitchforks and torches looking to burn this witch at the stake for spending their munnies for personal needs.

      1. Rotundo_

        No. First, it was going to an appealing (to them, at least) white woman, not to anyone of color or poor. Second, pitchforks and torches would be something of an admission that they were fucking morons and were grifted by a woman, something they would gladly let the money sail away for, rather than admit. For the dumb slobs that sent their money to this bitch, it is easier to shut up and watch the money burn than admit that it was their money burning away

      1. ttommyunger

        It WOULD be fun to see how she does with her prison ministry. Prolly be “The Church of Don't Fap Me Now.”

  13. genxr

    "Feds probe Christine O’Donnell"

    Let's not beat around the bush. When she shows full disclosure but doesn't want you to probe, that's a clear case of erection fraud.

  14. Neilist

    I'd hit it.

    Sex with Da Crazy B/Witches is The BEST!!!!!!!

    Neilist MacBeth
    Thane of Cawdor

    P.s. Eye of Newt makes a kicky anal lube!

      1. Neilist

        Well, you scrape off the residual with the toe of frog, and then swab off your Ben Johnson with some wool of bat, before Xtine gives you a bit more of her tongue of dog, etc.


        Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you Communist Pinko Liberal SKUM?

      1. ShaveTheWhales

        This is a disquieting admission, but I'd fuck her with my own dick. This hinges on two main points:

        1. She is crazy, but does not appear to be aggressively stupid or evil, unlike, e.g., the Alaskunt or the Coultergeist.

        2. At my age, I cannot reasonably set the bar too high — say, about high enough for her to bend over it;

        1. Neilist

          You may be Communist Pinko Liberal SKUM, Whales.

          But I like the way you think.

          [Set the bar at about 3 feet?]

          Hey, LIMBO!

  15. prommie

    Must be the season of the witch-hunt.

    But really, poor Christine, non-profit grifting is the only way to make a living she has ever known. She should have gone into the clergy, in our society its only socially acceptable for priests, parsons, ministers, rabbis, and such to make their living peddling lies to the credulous rubes. For all others, such as your Madoffs, and other Ponzi artists, it is considered a major faux pas.

  16. Steverino247

    "…the exact dimensions of the vaginal bat cave…"

    Personally, I refer to that area as the Magic Kingdom, because it's the "Happiest Place on Earth" whenever I get to visit.

    Vaginal bat cave makes me think I need to look for my car keys or something.

  17. Gorillionaire

    Nothing to be afraid of, Christine. It's not like you hacked into an Alaskan governor's private illegal Yahoo account by guessing her stupid password or anything terrible like that. You'll walk.

    1. Crank_Tango

      exactly. it's more like she walked into a US senator's office and tried to fraud her way into tapping the phones. harmless "youthful" prank.

  18. Redhead

    It's not really her fault. She thought all those "I am not a witch!" campaign ads and interviews were she talks publicly about dabbling in various religions like witchcraft gave her tax-exempt status as a religious organization, so she didn't have to pay taxes on or report or do anything with the money she got that was at all related to the "I am not a witch!" religious organization money.

    Well, either that or she took Palin's advice.

  19. Ducksworthy

    I can't look at a picture of Christine now without remembering the revelations about her hairy nether reaches. However, in my own defense, I realize this makes me a horrible person.

    1. prommie

      See that kinda low hairline on her forehead, and how thick her hair is? Thats a sign, she may be one of those that has to shave her arms, if you know what I mean. Think of the legendary Playboy photos of the young Demi Moore. Coppola wasted so much money shooting in the Phillipines, when he could have filmed "Apocalypse Now" entirely in the impenetrable jungle of Demi Moore's pudenda.

      1. Rotundo_

        "Don't get off the boat man, fuckin' tigers and mangoes man, dont get off the boat." I'd stay right next to the little guy in the boat, and hang on for dear life…

  20. PresBeeblebrox

    Palin and O'Witchcraft are both grifters. The difference is that Palin is much slicker while Xtine is utterly incompetent. I mean, shit, paying your own rent with campaign money?

    To use a weird analogy, O'Witchcraft is "Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark" to Palin's "Cats".

  21. Barbara_i

    How ironic that the witch is going to be traded in prison for a carton of Salems. Everyone is going to get a sample of that. Pretty much the Salem witch trial. Big Bertha thrusts her hamhock into the air, "my turn!"

  22. BarackMyWorld

    So she not only lost her election by a huge margin, but now might even go to jail because of it?

    Icing, meet cake.

  23. Blendergoathead

    Damn. I was in the middle of a post-christmas funk, but thinking of the possibility of that witch spending some time in the pokey made teh Sadz go away.

  24. Crank_Tango

    Hopefully we will/won't find out wtf a "pudding cup beard" is. And if she wears "eye-patch underwear."
    Too soon?

    Too late?

  25. JackObin

    It would appear doughnuts are high on her illegal spending list. I count three….no, four chins on the little girl. Republicans do enjoy their junk.

  26. Jason_inthe_Peg

    With the FBI on to her, can the muff divers be far behind?

    Get it? Female Body Inspectors?

    Did I mention I'm only 12 yrs old?

  27. Veritas78

    That Alvin Green was not today the subject of rumored FBI investigations proves that Obama is a racist. I'm surprised Christine did not herself draw attention to the disparity of their treatment. Let's hope wiser heads soon prevail.

  28. DustBowlBlues

    I was just reading this thing when I heard the funny nose/glasses guy doing Countdown read the same news, except with the fun wonkette touches left out. At the same time I was reading this! That's kismet, people. Fucking KISMET. I am going to buy a lotto ticket tomorrow, assuming this is the start of the big time that will help me forget what a fucked year 2010 was by living rich in 2011.

    Okay, now the sad Humane Society ad. Buzz over. Nope, the magic moments are continuing, after all. While I watch sad, rescued animals on the teevee one of my rescued cats threw up on the furniture.

    Life. It's just magic, isn't it?

  29. aqua_buddha

    What a photo !!
    She looks like she's about to wilt, from a relentless bout of celibacy or something.

    Does she have a book deal ?

    Dunno, but right off I'm seeing "Patriotism's Hand Maid" or similar …
    "Take Back Our Country : Take Advantage Of Yourself"
    "America Thinking InsideThe Box"
    "Our Constitution : My Own Manual Overide"
    "This Little Kitty Takes The Fifth"
    "I'm You"

    Thinking there's a lotta leeway there to rub out a few buckaroonies, lawyer-up, etc.

  30. lulzmonger

    So the FBI takes anonymous tips from Captain Obvious now? Woot!

    "I'm you ,,, at least until the statute of limitations runs out."

  31. Negropolis

    Wait, so the FBI is just now finding out that the Tea Party is now the nations largest racket? Really?

    How is it that Sarah Palin hasn't been indicted, yet?

  32. Negropolis

    Did anyone hear that she blamed Joe Biden, essentially saying that this was a professional hit on her? Bless her heart, believing that she ever, EVER crosses Joe's mind. Joe is so very mentally far and removed from provincial Delaware politics, right now, that it's not even funny.

    1. SorosBot

      Well in 2008, she nearly defeated him for Senate, with Biden winning by a slim 65-35 majority, so no wonder he fears her.

      1. aqua_buddha

        Gotta think that's the *Soft Bigotry Of Low Expectations* that our former president 43 was so empathetic about.

Comments are closed.