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Disgraced Iraq-Enabling Reporter Judith Miller Winds Up At Newsmax

You know what they do with people like her in prison? Yoga.Judith Miller was once an important war reporter person at The New York Times, but then she was sent to jail. But not for writing up fake stories about weapons of mass destruction that helped the Bush administration wage an illegal war! No, it was because she protected Scooter Libby’s telling her the name of Valerie Plame, another person from that decade. Anyway, Miller has finally found an actual journalism job, and it’s with Newsmax, which is rather hilarious, because that’s not really quite journalism, especially for a former Times reporter. Let us look at the stupid e-mails those people have sent us recently and use them to make fun of her.

Here are some subject lines from the past few weeks:

1 ‘Weird’ Trick of a Tiny Belly?

Exposed: Stop Wearing Glasses; Restore Your Eyesight Without Surgery?

Related video

Ronald Reagan’s 100th Birthday Fast Approaching

Is Your Prostate Keeping You Up at Night?

The Jesus Question: Will He Ever Return?

Rub it on Anywhere it Hurts and Feel the Difference – Within Minutes

Mike Huckabee Says Veto-Proof Repeal Possible!

Palin Tells Barbara Walters: I Read Newsmax

Congrats to Judith Miller, who will now report whatever the acai berries tell her to write. [Weigel]

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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102 comments

    1. Sophist FCD

      Hey, if Judith Miller didn't protect her sources so zealously then the voices in her head might be too scared to come forward.

    1. Not_So_Much

      Well, if she's a real journalist, let's send her into the Kandahar war zone with just a notebook, a pencil and a jar of petroleum jelly and see what kind of hard-hitting story she produces.

    1. Rotundo_

      Damn, I'll swear there is a polka tune by that name, if there isn't, there really should be one. Play it right after "She's too fat for me." or something like it. The olds would get a kick out of it.

  1. slappypaddy

    looks like a step up in the world for her. before you know it, she might move on to something worthwhile, such as washing cars or watching paint dry.

  2. donner_froh

    Weigel: "Miller's latest story for Newsmax marks a return to the men-in-danger-at-the-outskirts-of-American-empire reporting she used to do for the Times."

    Miller must be buying that Rub it on Anywhere it Hurts stuff by the 55 gallon drum to make pain from that go away.

  3. SheriffRoscoe

    Get Rid Of Hemorrhoids By Eating Chocolate Doughnuts – The Amazing Cure!

    (It probably fell into your spam folder Jack.)

  4. BeWoot

    I like the idea of Judith Miller working the prostate/rub-it-on-anywhere beat. She has found a good home.

  5. mereoblivion

    Exposed: Palin Says Jesus' Veto-Proof Return on Reagan's 100th Birthday to Keep Judith Miller Up at Night by Teaching Her That Weird Trick of Rubbing it on Her Tiny (?) Belly and Anywhere Else it Hurts Possible!

      1. Beowoof

        I don't know doing Scooter seems beyond taking one for the team, you would think they would have given her the 5AM show on Fox for that.

    1. Jason_inthe_Peg

      No shit. That sort of thing must leave a mark. Good thing they've got something at Newsmax to rub on the pain.

      Hope the jail time was worth it.

  6. V572625694

    The Jesus Question: will He ever return?

    Uh, no, being as how he's dead, if he ever lived. You're welcome!

    1. V572625694

      That bible: so right about so many things! For instance this part:

      Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.
      Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them.
      Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.
      Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.
      Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.

    2. SorosBot

      And the Bible says that Jesus' return will bring about the fall of the Roman Empire; considering that the Visigoths and Vandals already took care of that that's gonna be a little tricky.

  7. yellowerdog

    Newsmax = new media, allows shortcut and paste, for example:

    Barbara Walters Exposed Prostate Proof
    Jesus Fast Hurts Reagan
    and my favorite – Rub it on Palin at Night Without Surgery

  8. SecretMuslin

    You know you've reached the top of the journalism mountain when yours is the only "journalism" that Sarah Palin reads. Congrats Judy!!

  9. VespulaMaculata

    Hey if Spitzer can have a TV show, and Diaperman is still a senator, who's expecting Miller to hang her head in shame?

  10. neiltheblaze

    What? I thought that even in the journalistic free fall she finds herself in Miller would have landed at the Moonie Times first – before the crack-whoredom that is working for Newsmax would be necessary. Guess she's damaged goods, even for the Reverend's fishwrap.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      She should have pulled a David Brock & gone left.

      In fact, why didn't Media Matters for America give Judy a blog?

  11. slithytoves

    Is Your Prostate Keeping You Up at Night?

    No, someone else's is.

    Okay , I'm going back to work now and leaving you all alone.

  12. nounverb911

    "Ronald Reagan’s 100th Birthday Fast Approaching
    The Jesus Question: Will He Ever Return?"

    Seriously, do we really want Reagan back?

  13. gef05

    "Ronald Reagan’s 100th Birthday Fast Approaching"

    They must be using the dog-aging algorithm to measure this. Otherwise, it's not approaching faster than anything else.

  14. hagajim

    Is Your Prostate Keeping You Up at Night?
    Rub it on Anywhere it Hurts and Feel the Difference – Within Minutes

    I think those headlines must be for Lindsay Graham.

    Newsmax – the Tampax of news (except for Fox of course which is the king extra large of all Tampax news)

  15. prommie

    Hmm, she was an accomplice in mass murder, and she has gone to Newsmax. Does this mean the Aspens turn together, and when the cock crows thrice, the blind beggar shall stumble?

  16. Oblios_Cap

    Newsmax, the conservative web and print venture founded in 1998 by Christopher Ruddy and built into a multi-million dollar company.

    Newsmax is a multi-million dollar company? Does that mean they're losing millions of dollars a year? Geez, Palin must really be living large if there are that many Stupidz out there.

  17. weejee

    How does Miller's fellow Manhattan Instituttifrutti fellow Dame Peggy Noonerton feel about Judy joining Newzmaxx? Are Dame Peggy's past particles all aglow?

    But when ya get down to it, isn't Newzmaxx just a dumbed-down Mad Maxesque bulletin board?

  18. Radiotherapy

    A willowy wispy blond she was,
    A gussied up bombshell.
    Billion dollars a month they spent,
    A poignant story to sell.

  19. aqua_buddha

    Aspens turn, Judy spins, Bush has a bestseller.
    Slam dunk, name your meme.

    Everything turns out okay in the end.

      1. aqua_buddha

        It's a koanza, special for the season.

        Judy, Judy, wasn't she the one with the silver bullet ?
        Maybe it's all to do with werewolves or something ..?

        Snow News Is Good News.

  20. Clancy_Pants

    Why I get this shit I don't know:

    Today's Breaking News from Newsmax.com:
    Limbaugh: Obama Disarming U.S. With START
    Special: Get Heart Rate Monitor, It Could Save You
    Kissinger Defends Nixon Tape Remarks About Jews
    Ken Starr Makes Impression at Baylor
    Money: 100 Banks Set to Fail – Again
    ALERT: Dick Morris Sees Obama 'Aftershock' Coming, Prepare Your Investments
    Tea Party Revolution Will Tear Down Washington
    Feeling Down? Try These Six Super-Foods That Beat the Blues

    1. Beowoof

      is Whiskey on that list of superfoods. I signed up for Newsmax to find out what the other side was thinking, a short time after looking at some of the stories I concluded there was little thinking and lots of bs ing going on; which means Judith Miller will fit right in with the news max stable.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Probably should get to Pacific Palisades, or whatever town they dumped his rotting corpse, and get into the line to urinate on his grave.

  21. Come here a minute

    Which is more embarrassing, the reporter who used to work for the prestigious New York Times winding up at trashy Newsmax, or pure conservative Newsmax hiring someone who used to work for the liberal New York Times? I can already imagine the angry letters from readers threatening to cancel their subscriptions, to the Internet.

  22. ttommyunger

    She interviewed with the American Spectator but it turns out they prefer their blowjobs be given by men.

  23. Gorillionaire

    Damn, Judy, that is some rough shit. Even Bill Fucking Kristol got a soft landing after all the shit he pulled.

  24. chascates

    This should start a trend:
    David Brooks to be columnist at U.S. Chamber of Commerce newsletter
    Pat Buchanan named communications director for Sons of the Confederacy
    Bill Kristol to become editor of award-winning Magazine of Fantasy & Science Fiction

    1. walterhwhite

      Forgot to add, Guns and Ammo is "The leader in the field of recreational shooting, it is edited for the sportsman with a keen interest in the safe and proper use of sporting firearms." hahahahaha!

  25. Tundra Grifter

    "Ronald Reagan’s 100th Birthday Fast Approaching."

    And while I certainly appreciate the head's up! so I can eat up, why in the world would I have to fast for Mr. Reagan's 100th Birthday? Is this a hunger strike? Or is the date 40 days before Easter?

    Yes – I am confused!

  26. AtlanticCapers

    The funny thing: Hiring a totally discredited reporter will greatly bolster the journalistic integrity of Newsmax.

  27. BarackMyWorld

    The article link "The Jesus Question: Will He Ever Return?" should lead to a webpage composed of "NO" written over and over in all-caps.

  28. Troubledog

    BREAKING: Plug pulled on reality show "Judith Miller's Legitimate Sources" after no cast members could be found.

  29. elpinche

    Is Newsmax rock bottom for a complete neocon tabloid female nutsack?

    It could be worse. She could be taking a lunch break with K-Lo and that other husky fellow from NRO at KFC/Burger King.

  30. DashboardBuddha

    "Is Your Prostate Keeping You Up at Night? "

    The only thing I can think of after reading this is, "does your prostate lose it's flavor on the bedpost over night?"

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Nay laddie ( or lassie), I just have a long memory. I hear stuff like this in my aging fever dreams…you'll here stuff by lady Gaga. i'll take my fever dreams, thank you.

  31. Veritas78

    Just imagine the mortification she must endure, deep within her soul, knowing how far she's sunk. I wonder if she introduces herself as "Hi, Judith Miller, with the Newmumblemumble…"

    This almost makes up for Ken Lay dying during appeal, thus erasing his conviction. Almost.

  32. Rotundo_

    I love this photo of her: Either someone just passed a brimstone burrito bomb in her general direction or they just showed Judy her new office, either way, that expression will be permanently etched into her face and soul if she posesses one.

  33. Troubledog

    I'd like to mount her Pulitzer on the end of this cordless Sawzall.

    :: doing some research ::

    Well, it looks like it's actually a medallion. It was a nice idea though.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      A gig at Newsmax with his fellow Iraq-war cheerleading girl friend would be so much better. Someone mention a Pulitzer. I thought I heard back during her imprisonment that she'd won a Pulitzer.

      Does this make her the first Pulitzer Prize winner to write for Newsmax? I'm surprised that don't bill her as such on their masthead, or whatever you call the internets thingy.
      Is the woman even self-aware enough to realize how ludicrous she looks? Once, she was a stealth stooge for the right. At least Newsmax made an honest woman of her.

  34. Negropolis

    My, how the mightly have fallen. Ms. Miller has been banished to the fringe of the realm of Newslandia to peddle news-ish stories in the West Palm Beach, the less Cuban Miami-lite.

    Ha Ha!

  35. MiniMencken

    In the old days, when word came that you had displeased Adolph Ochs, the disgraced staffer would get in a warm bath and open a vein. How standards have fallen!

  36. GregComlish

    If our justice system couldn't be legally brought to make her "ride the lightning" then it's only fair that she be brought to "ride the scooter"

Comments are closed.