facts are stupid things

Trash Robot and Dead Actor Honored On Postage Stamps

America's greatest cartoon characters.It’s morning in America, for reals this time! The United States has finally honored its favorite sanitation robot that toiled for 800 years cleaning up the Earth after fat slob humans trashed the whole place. That’s right, WALL-E is now on a postage stamp, so that very old people who still pay bills with stamps will look upon this little adhesive picture of a strange, squat goggle-eyed garbage-compactor puppet and think, “Oh look, E.T. is on a stamp. My grandchildren used to love that movie, before they all died in Iraq.” You know who else loved E.T., the Extra-Terrestrial? That’s right, teevee’s Ronald Reagan. And apparently he is dead now, just like WALL-E, because the Post Office put him on a stamp, too.

The United States Postal Service somehow went another million dollars deeper in debt this morning by emailing this press release:

WASHINGTON — From a former U.S. president to legends of Latin music to the 100th anniversary of the Indianapolis 500-mile auto race to the garden of love, the 2011 commemorative stamp program has something for everyone.

The U.S. Postal Service today officially unveiled the images of its commemorative stamp program. Among this year’s honorees are former President Ronald Reagan, legendary author Mark Twain, award-winning actor and actress Gregory Peck and Helen Hayes, and Latin music giants Selena, Carlos Gardel, Carmen Miranda, Tito Puente and Celia Cruz.

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In addition, former U.S. Congresswoman from Texas Barbara Jordan is the 2011 Black Heritage stamp honoree. Stamps will be issued to observe the 150th anniversary of the Civil War, the 50th anniversary of America’s first manned spaceflight and a celebration of Disney Pixar movie characters: Lightning McQueen and Mater from Cars; Remy the rat and Linguini from Ratatouille; Buzz Lightyear and two of the green, three-eyed aliens from Toy Story; Carl Fredricksen and Dug from Up; and the robot WALL*E from Wall*E on Send a Hello stamps.

It’s not all cartoon characters this year, because there’s something for everyone! Even Mexicans and Blacks can enjoy looking at a stamp in 2011! Also, there are stamps celebrating the 150th anniversary of our greatest war, the War Against Northern Aggression. Just think, if the right side had won that war, we wouldn’t have to worry about stamps featuring Mexican jazz musicians or Black congresswomen, right?!

At the bottom of the press release, after all the robots and actors and cartoons, there’s this part, too:

The third American Scientists stamp issuance honors chemist Melvin Calvin, botanist Asa Gray, physicist Maria Goeppert Mayer, and biochemist Severo Ochoa. The stamps go on sale June 16.

Melvin Calvin was the first scientist to trace in detail the process of photosynthesis and conducted pioneering research on using plants as an alternative energy source. He won the Nobel Prize in chemistry in 1961 ….

Yeah yeah, boring. Let us know when “Melvin Calvin” becomes a Disney character and gets elected president, from space. [USPS]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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124 comments

  1. horsedreamer_1

    It's been fifteen years. Isn't that long enough to wait for the Macarena to get its own stamp, too?

    1. OneDollarJuana

      I buy stamps, you young whippersnapper! And I buy the "forever" stamps, 'cuz I'm gonna live forever, and who knows if I'll need a stamp in the year 2525 (if Man is still alive, if Woman can survive)?

      1. Beowoof

        There is 70's relate I would love to forget. That song ranks in my mind with Stairway to Heaven, overplayed until the radio would turn itself off to not hear it again, if I ever hear either again I will completely lose what little is left of my mind.

      2. slappypaddy

        now it's been ten thousand years*
        man has cried a billion tears**
        for what he never knew***
        now man's reign is through****
        but through eternal night*****
        the twinkling of starlight******
        so very far away*******
        maybe it's only yesterday********

        *or two-point-five million, or five or ten or fifteen billion, but who's counting?
        **conservative estimate, and how many has woman cried?
        ***but he was always willing to make ups some bullshit story
        ****about fucking time
        *****a long, dark time, though not approaching the time spent on hold while waiting for tech support
        ******only for sighted dwellers of planets with transparent atmospheres
        *******but still closer than victory in afghanistan
        ********the one-hundred-fifteenth anniversary of the first house of cinema

        and that's a wrap.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        Yup. Christmas cards, which I will send this week. I like the forever stamps. Never have to look at my little outdated card of stamps again and wonder, "Now do I need a 1 cent stamp or a 2 cent stamp to make these work for this Christmas?

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      I expect Snowbilly to rappel up Mt. Rushmore & start chiseling Raygun's face to launch her 2012 presidential bid.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        More likely her own. Ronnie can be on Mt. Rushmore as long as he is below her and gazing worshipfully up at her.

        Wait a minute. Would chiseling faces on a mountain be work?

    2. elpinche

      This is bad news for those in the field of proctology . They frown on extracting soggy stamp books out of patriot's anuses.

  2. Oblios_Cap

    Among this year’s honorees are former President Ronald Reagan, legendary author Mark Twain, award-winning actor and actress Gregory Peck and Helen Hayes, and Latin music giants Selena, Carlos Gardel, Carmen Miranda, Tito Puente and Celia Cruz.

    In addition, former U.S. Congresswoman from Texas Barbara Jordan is the 2011 Black Heritage stamp honoree.

    One of these is things is quite definitely not like the others.

    1. user-of-owls

      Well it can't be Barbara Jordan, because we all know how much she liked to wear fruit on her head.

  3. johnnymeatworth

    "You know, Tito Puente's going to be dead, and you're going to be saying 'Oh, I've been listening to him for years, I think he's fabulous….' "
    –Bill Murray, Stripes

    1. SorosBot

      Hey, most younger Americans know who Tito Puente is; he's that guy who guest starred in both parts of The Simpsons' "Who Shot Mr. Burns?".

  4. mumbly_joe

    You know, if they had mailed out that terrible press release, instead of emailing it like non-USPS-using parasites, they would have at least been part of the solution, not part of the problem.

    Well, except for the problem of our accumulating trash and constant environmental destruction, for which we'll need to build Wall-E, like next week. Not that problem.

    Oh, hell, there's just no way out of this Irony Trap, for the US Postal Service.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this Wall-E!".

        And then it would be off to empty the mental hospitals, destroy the ATC Union, and declare ketchup a vegetable for schoolkids to enjoy.

        1. Ducksworthy

          Seen one redwood you seen em all, besides which, they're the main cause of air pollution. I should have moved out when the ignorant amurrikan electorate re-elected bonzo. I came pretty close.

    1. V572625694

      If USPS had snail-mailed the press release, it would have been misdelivered, arrived too late, mangled in the Mk II Facer-Canceller, or smeared in the rain

  5. nounverb911

    "Stamps will be issued to observe the 150th anniversary of the Civil War"
    Will the stamps be aimed at the Northern or Southern consumer?

    1. slappypaddy

      if the usps wants to sell those to southrons, it needs to market them in observance of the 150th anniversary of the war of northern aggression.

      oh. ken already said that. sort of. that's what i get for posting before reading. premature ejaculation, what a mess.

    2. Oblios_Cap

      The Southerners would buy more than the Northerners, especially if the stamps have confederate flags on them. That way they can annoy lots of folks by putting them on their bills when they mail them in. None of them can write letters though.

      1. Sassomatic

        Enough with the ad hoc attacks on southerners. That would be like me claiming that all yankees are total assholes. Which is true, but I generally don't say it.

          1. Sassomatic

            Oh yeah. My bad. Hangover. What the hell does "ad hoc" even mean? I think my understanding has been polluted by reading comments on teh interwebs. Seriously, though. Saying all southerners are stupid is like saying all Jews are good at accounting.

          2. Zvi_Bleindmeis

            Okay, first, unfair generalizations about groups of people are what we do here. All teabaggers are corpulent, insulin-dependent Hoveround jockeys. All Republicans are closeted douchebags or whores. And so forth.

            Second, southerners are not the only ones that are stupid, of course, but there is sure 'nuff a pantload of stupid going on down here. "Crafty" or "shrewd" is as close to intelligent as you will find down here in Dixie.

            And third, southerners are not just stupid. They are also hypocritical, bigoted, and prissy. They pick their noses and eat the boogers, and they wet the bed, every night. All of them, all the time.

      2. Sophist FCD

        That way they can annoy lots of folks by putting them on their bills when they mail them in.

        Heh! Good one.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      I would personally like a stamp of Cool World's Holli Would. Now THERE is a stamp I would like to lick… you know, if I was a doodle.

    2. GlowneyHouse

      Or the Funky Phantom… In a dream world, they would release a stamp with Charles Nelson Reilly as "HooDoo the Magician" from Lidsville.

  6. weejee

    Sweet, we will be celebrating the sesquicentennial of the War of Ongoing Northern Libtard Aggression that started when those damnedyankees (one word please) shot at those glorious boyz in gray who in an act of Southern hospitality tried to liberate them no good bluebellies from their prison in Ft. Sumter by shelling it with cannonballz.

    The next four years should be grand fun. Can we burn Atlanta to the ground again and call it urban renewal?

    1. V572625694

      Got a few friends there, so just give me a day to let'em know before the pyrotechnic hi-jinks start.

    2. Progressiveinga

      Yeah, let's burn Atlanta to the ground and watch almost 70% of the state's revenue source go up in smoke…….That'll teach the country crackers who hate the urbans a huge lesson!

      1. weejee

        Absolutely. Same thing here in the reals Warshington. The ruralz whine about all their tax dollars going to welfare queens in C'Addle. The truth is that in any given year the only counties that operate in the black State tax-wise are three or four counties who are in the I-5 urban corridor, and all rural counties that get more back, often one hell of a lot more back, in State spending than was collected by the taxman.

  7. Preferred Customer

    "Indianapolis 500-mile auto race"

    Is "auto race" really necessary there? Are there people receiving this PR who would otherwise be thinking "Indianapolis 500? Is that some sort of equestrian event? Or is it like a Cleveland steamer?"

  8. freakishlywrong

    Anyone else just find it hi-larious that the fucking post office emailed the fucking press release about these things allegedly called "postage stamps"?

    1. Oblios_Cap

      Oh Noze! But I've been distracted by trying to fight off the hookworm infestation here on America's Dinghus!

      Unfortuantely I failed and Scott won the election.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I definitely hate Ratatouille more than our 40th President; the rest of the Pixar oeuvre I have not seen, at least, not any of the features, in full (I know a little bit about the most recent Toy Story & saw about 1/2 of UP).

      Not coincidentally, I also loath Patton Oswalt.

    2. Preferred Customer

      In the limited period of time between when I felt comfortable first deploying the Electronic Babysitter and when I let my kid first watch Johnny Cash videos and Star Wars, Pixar was the only thing that kept me sane. Compared to other forms of child infotainment available out there (Barbie in 12 Dancing Princesses, anyone?), it is high art.

      1. Sparky_McGruff

        Barbie in the 12 dancing princesses isn't even the bottom of the barrel for the Barbie franchise. If you can't stand that, don't let the girls get near the Barbie Fairy/Mermaid movies. Girls of a certain age will not let go, like a pit bull on a mailman's ankle, and they will literally suck any rational thought out of your brain.

        1. Preferred Customer

          I have been there. It is truly a dark place–so dark I did not even want to revisit it for the post above.

    1. mereoblivion

      Or how about with his head up his ass? (Too much gutter realism?) And he's asking "Where is the rest of me?"

    1. mumbly_joe

      Oh, but he does, but only briefly, to build dramatic tension, before he's revived. Only then, he has amnesia, and it's even more tragic, although questionable whether young children will understand why. And then he gets more better, and everything is alright, the end.

  9. MistaEko

    botanist Asa Gray

    Jesus, I know science doesn't necessarily pay very well, but is it really so bad that you have to jump into porn?

    1. ChessieNefercat

      I hesitate to say this, but I am a botanist and don't understand what this means. You know what? Never mind! Don't need to know! Carry on!

    2. GunTotingProgressive

      Hot shit! In college, our biology society was named after Asa, as he was from the area… Yes, I actually did get laid in college…

  10. donner_froh

    "Melvin Ellis Calvin (April 8, 1911 – January 8, 1997) was an American chemist most famed for discovering the Calvin cycle…" (Wikipedia, of course)

    That's really nice. There was a process in nature with the same name as the scientist who discovered it. Heck of a story and a one in a million chance of it happening but does that kind of coincidence really deserve a Nobel prize?

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Kind of a non-sequitur, but I work in the department of the university at which he earned his PhD.

      I'll bet my life will be so different now! Huh. No, no it won't.

      Enjoy your stamp, Calvin.

      1. Preferred Customer

        Yes, but that really was his parents' fault. They should have thought of that before naming him Lou.

  11. SheriffRoscoe

    Sorry if I take this thread on a detour, but there's just something I've been meaning to say for a while. I always thought Ronnie was kind of a girly way of spelling 'Ronny.' What's up with all the machismo conservtards and their tendency to feminize a perfectly wonderful male name?

  12. x111e7thst

    Maria Goeppert Mayer was kind of hot in a nerdy way when she was younger. I would buy a stamp of her as long as it was cheap and she was topless.
    Besides, "On closed shells in nuclei'=SEXY.

  13. Come here a minute

    If the marketing geniuses at the Post Office really want to sell some stamps, they need to honor the Nobel prize-winning South Carolina scientist who invented the Ham Biscuit!

  14. MarionNYNY

    I get the need for advertising,, but these "sponsored posts" for fake-schools of last resort that take poor people's money and put them in debt for ever and ever while scamming loan programs — really bugs me. If you have to do the ads because maybe some ad-guy has a picture of Ken Layne doing a pony or something, okay, but couldn't you at least do a real post snarking the fake "colleges"?

    1. user-of-owls

      a) you want to do something positive? How about you click that link a hundred times. It costs them and it pays Wonkette;

      b) do you ever actually read the "real posts" before bemoaning the lack of one that gives you a girl boner?;

      c) whiny baby, whiny baby!

      1. MarionNYNY

        a) Thank you for the information about clicking them. I will now do that repeatedly.
        b) Yes, I do read them. Though sadly I'm so old my lady-parts rarely get excited these days.
        c) How did you learn my spouse's secret pet name for me?

    1. Chet Kincaid

      Yes! JLo must turn and walk slowly, sensuously away from fame, her sumptuous haunches neatly bisected by a thong and each well-tanned half-fanny bunching and relaxing in a languid yet mesmerizing rhythm as she leaves it all behind.

  15. JustPixelz

    The Reagan stamp is for his supposed 100th birthday. But has anyone checked his birf cert.? Otherwise, mail with his stamp could be illegal. That means my tax return — ironically sent with a Reagan stamp — would not be properly postmarked. And I could end up in front of an Obama IRS death panel. Just sayin', birf cert or GTFO.

  16. Preferred Customer

    Has anyone alerted Glenn Beck et al. to the War on Christmas that is currently happening on the Postal Service site?

    There's four grafs over there talking about their "holiday ornament" stamps, discussing the winter tradition of decorating an evergreen tree, and generally smarming up the joint, and the word Christmas is never actually used. Kind of amazing.

  17. Steverino247

    Here's my idea of a commemorative stamp series for the Civil War. You know how related images are put in stamps on the same sheet (e.g., ten different lighthouses)? The following images in this order: Slave auction, slave punishment, secession convention with a quote from the declaration regarding slavery (the only challenge will be which is the nastiest to use), rebels firing first at Ft. Sumter, Lincoln and the Emancipation Proclamation, the 54th Massechusetts Infantry attacking, Sherman among his men with "…as we go marching through Georgia" on it, Unites States Colored Troops storming fortifications outside Richmond, something related to Juneteenth, Jeff Davis in prison. The USPS would call it the "Fuck yes, it was about slavery" series.

  18. JackObin

    Ronnie Raygun on a stamp for an entity that is six billion dollars in the red. What will Mommy think?

Comments are closed.