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Chris Matthews: Dems Love Illegals; Show Me the Birth Certificate

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What’s Chris Matthews been up to the last couple of days? Oh, just looking for a conservative talk-radio gig. Here he is saying Democrats have decided to do nothing about immigration reform because they love illegal immigration so much. And that Obama is going after those who hire illegal immigrants only because he wants the Republicans to let him have more illegal immigrants, or something. Huh? And also Chris Matthews now needs to see Obama’s birth certificate. Hmm.

Sure, seems sort of logical! But those people are not logical, and will just say the birth certificate is fake, so it is not logical.

The Democratic Party is luring illegal immigrants here with promises of Pennsylvania U.S. Senate jobs, jobs that SHOULD belong to Chris Matthews, because he can find the common ground on this whole birth certificate thing. [MSNBC]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  • V572625694

    Tweety's been on a tear lately, to be sure. It was a surprise when he turned Birther. Maybe he'll have Orly on and not let her talk.

    To his credit, he does point out that Repube employers are hypocrites who like teh cheap labor and won't insist on a reliable ID system for workers.

  • Badonkadonkette

    The Democratic Party is luring illegal immigrants here with promises of Pennsylvania U.S. Senate jobs

    Come to think of it, Pat Toomey does look a bit like Beldar.

  • SorosBot

    And yet, my conservative friends will continue to claim that this asshole is a liberal, all evidence be damned.

    • gef05

      Yes, well, from a conservative position, if you oppose the Iraq war that makes you a Liberal – rather than merely sentient.

      • SorosBot

        But what does supporting the Iraq war and praising Bush's invasion and handling of it until it became obvious the whole thing was a clusterfuck, then not only turning around on the war but lying and claiming that you were against it from the beginning, make someone?

        • horsedreamer_1

          John Kerry?

          Boom! Roasted!

        • Boredw/Gravity

          Hillary Clinton.

        • gef05

          Please. You're introducing facts. And as we all know, that's just elite spin, full of gotchas.

    • BorderJumper!

      Conservatives think that dropping the oh-you-are-just-a-Liberal line is enough to win any argument.

      • V572625694

        They say, "You probably watch MSNBC," meaning that you just parrot talking points from the teevee. They assume you do that, because that's what they do.

        • GOPCrusher

          But everyone knows that only people that watch Fox know THE REAL TRUTH.

  • Oblios_Cap

    That quote on the Statue of Liberty – they're just words, dude. That quote was left there by the French.

    America really doesn't believe any of that stuff.

    • gef05

      The only reason that statue is there is because its husband messed around.

    • mavenmaven

      The line was written by a Spanish Jewish woman (and the title of the poem is kinda foreign), aside from being placed there by the French, so it really doesn't apply to Real Merka. And New York itself is not a completely Merkan state, if you know what I mean.

      • Crank_Tango

        Exactly, I mean who would consider NYC a part of Real America, anyway?

        Al Qaeda, that's who! I mean seriously, if AQ thinks NYC is merkin, then it definitely must not be.

      • Radiotherapy

        She must have been a rather Inquisitive poet.

      • Zvi_Bleindmeis

        Wretched refuse.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Lost in Matthews's new-found birtherism is the fact of his committed Catholicism, & surely he must know the barbs suffered by the Papists (at least 'til Kennedy won, though I would suggest, in some precincts, the sentiment against Popery remains strong).

    Surely, too, the relationship between being shunned as a Foreign Agitator, for the Vatican, & shunned for being an Enemy Combatant, in a dual Colonial/Anticolonial Kenyan Fifth Column, is not lost on Matthews.


  • Come here a minute

    The issue of Obama's birth certificate will only be put to rest when I can personally hold in my hands the unique and original document, and then taste and eat it and poop it out and smear it on the Supreme Court steps.

    • SorosBot

      It will never be put to rest; the birthers will next claim the birth certificate is is a forgery, or join in some other bullshit like triper57's pulling a new definition of "natural born citizen" out of his that excludes Obama.

      • DoktorZoom

        Standards of evidence review: Documents could be forged, maybe, so they must not be accepted as evidence of where Obama was born. Scientists are probably biased, since they're all liberals, so there is no real evidence for either evolution or global warming.

        On the other hand, a collection of hand-transcribed texts that have been translated higgledy-piggledy over a couple of millenia are the absolutely true word of God, and we must therefore beat up on teh gays.

        • WABishop

          A higgledy-piddledy collection of documents that condemn homosexuality with the same vigor it reserves for cotton-polyester blends, no less.

        • SecretMuslin

          900,000 thumbs up for you, kind sir.

        • SorosBot

          We know everything in the Bible is true because it is the word of god, and therefore can't be false; and we know it's the word of god because it says so right in the Bible.

          This is an actual circular Fundie argument.

    • GOPCrusher

      I thought the whole issue was settled when it was decided that Malcolm X is Obama's real father.

      • HateMachine

        Nah, he's Michelle's uncle. This leaves room for both Barry being a furriner and opens the possibility for a virtual infinity of "whitey" videos from the family as a whole.

    • snoopyfan2010

      Only "real" Americans have the right to verify documents. The rest of us don't matter.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Tweety is stuck in between lawyers and smart liberals and figures going a little Beckian may boost his shitty stance on the network???

    He keeps hinting he want to run for Something Important (as an old-skool Democrat), but I think he saw his Blue Dogs get there ass handed to them, proving the old notion that the people will vote for a real Republican over a Dem pretending to be one…

    • horsedreamer_1


  • dyedwool

    Say it don't spray it, Chris.

  • Amaravilha

    Everyone knows that illegal immigrants vote DemocRAT. They jump out of the woodwork, bust up our chiffarobes, seduce our white daughters, take our jerbs, and pull the levers for Obamanation. While headless, or something.

    And all this despite cowering in fear of ever being discovered and deported, without getting anything from payroll taxes and without recourse against abusive actions by landlords, employers, and almost anyone.

    Truly, they are kings/queens among us.

    • horsedreamer_1

      They jump out of the woodwork, bust up our chiffarobes, seduce our white daughters, take our jerbs, and pull the levers for Obamanation. While headless, or something.

      The sequence of chiffarobe busting & white daughter seducing has me lollering, again, at my favourite Wonkette comment. Cannot recall who made it, but in the dust-up over Juan Williams's Towel-bating, one of you fellows made a reference to other things that scare J-Dub, including "all these Messicans ogling my obese white girlfriend". Cracks my shit up.

    • DoktorZoom

      I know how to read. If you got any readin' to do, I'm your man.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I've advanced the arguement that immigrants are a non-voting, low-paid labor pool with no ability to protect themselves through the established institutions that the rest of us have access to, and so the GOP has no intention of ever "reforming" immigration laws, but my conservative collegues don't buy that.

      Of course, the ones that own construction businesses like the low wage part of the equation and pretend they're doing Mexicans a favor by hiring them and paying them less than they would have to pay a "local".

      • DoktorZoom

        All true, but needs more chiffarobe-busting.

  • JustPixelz

    Mathews needs to STFU. I mean that literally: He never stops talking, never lets his guests* answer a question, and focuses on the most peripheral issue imaginable. Like how Sarah Palin waves her hand.
    * mannequins used as stage props

    • finallyhappy

      I have only seen Chris Matthews once but I like the guy who played him on SNL- a much better Chris matthews than the real thing

    • Chet Kincaid

      And his understudy Dylan Ratigan squares the obnoxiousness.

      • Negropolis

        My god, while I watch both of them, I find Dylan's self-righteousness and questions that can take nearly a full two-minutes to utter in which he essentially answers the question he asking, absolutely obnoxious.

  • iburl

    I see Chris is still on his crusade to get everyone using the words 'ethnic' and 'ethnicity' on a daily basis, as he does.

    • V572625694

      He should know that the current terminology is "very, very urban."

  • BarackMyWorld

    Obama should offer to release his original birth certificate when Chris Matthews releases his discharge papers from the mental institution.

    • donner_froh

      He wasn't discharged. He just walked away from the mental institution and straight into MSNBC.

      • bflrtsplk

        And the institution decided to let it be because MSNBC and the nuthouse are one and the same.

  • Beowoof

    Stephanie Miller called Tweety a right wing tool to his face on his show. She to my knowledge has never been invited back on No Balls and Tweety continues to prove her assessment correct.

    • thebeatgoeson08

      and his feelings were sooooo hurt by that! For awhile he seemed enamored of Obama (all that tingly leg stuff). So much for the "liberal" media and über-liberal MSNBC.

      • L188188

        The tingly leg stuff was never said, it was a "thrill" going up his leg. Michelle is that you?

        • thebeatgoeson08

          my bad. I mis-remembered it. And wouldn't I LOVE to actually BE Michelle…

  • Rotundo_

    So the Dems lurve those illegals eh? Those swarthy shifty types coming up here to take our gardening, restaurant and meat processing plant jerbs while leaving us nothing-right? Or could it be that the Democratic party actually has the sense to look at demographic projections and realize that a goodly bunch of us *legally here, who vote* will be hispanic and need to be considered as we go on. Nah, the Demoncraps just loves faggits and messicans and afrikan americuns cause they cain't git no one else to vote aginst freedumb!
    Jebus! Tweety, take your meds and STFU!

  • MoeDeLawn

    Tweety only knows, say, twelve things, believes in eight of them, and really understands three. So he ends up on cable, and is the victim of time. He's "good" for maybe a half hour, or even an hour per week, if he has guests who can shout over him. But he doesn't have the time or intellectual heft to think everything through before he starts spewing.

    • DoktorZoom

      "Tweety only knows, say, twelve things, believes in eight of them, and really understands three"

      In other words, he's still a filthy elitist compared to the average Real American?

      • MoeDeLawn

        Jawohl, Herr Doktor.

  • ttommyunger

    Face it; opportunistic suck-ups cannot be conservative, liberal, Democrat or Republican. That would require a core basic belief system, something Tweetie does not possess. He gets that "tingle down his leg" when he hears his own voice; and that is about the only voice heard on his show.

  • Terry

    Matthews must be desperate to get his ratings up.

  • freakishlywrong

    But..But..MSNBC is just like Fux, only it's liburl! That's what they keep telling me on CNN! I mean, Fux gives a partisan left wing Democrat ex-house member 3 hours of prime-time in the A.M., right? Give Alan Grayson Fox n' Retards slot and then we'll talk. And Mathews fucking spits all over everyone and laughs at his own jokes. Fuck him.

    • DoktorZoom

      If Alan Grayson had a show on MSNBC, I might just get cable…

    • horsedreamer_1

      Leave Burl Ives out of this!

      But I hope you had a Holly Jolly Christmas.

  • weejee

    Well Tweety asked one question that I'd have to answer with a big "yeah, duh."

    "Is 43 percent of the (American) population incorrigibly stupid or resistive to truth?"

    Yeah, duh.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Right! Those are not opposing conditions.

    • Sassomatic

      It's that same 40% that would consider voting for Palin for president. They are unbelievably stupid indeed.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Hell, man, that's a majority.

      This comment brought to you by Scott Brown for President 2012.

    • HateMachine

      I wouldn't say "Yeah, duh."

      I'd call that the most conservative estimate in human history.

  • PresBeeblebrox

    So what are Tweety, Orly, and the other Birfers going to do when Neil Abercrombie emerges from his marijuana-smoke-filled gubernatorial office and finally releases the Kenyan's Actual Live Bird Surifikat which shows beyond a doubt that Obamar was indeed born in the foreign city known as Honolulu? I know they have the "Obamar's dad was Kenyan, therefore he's not Natural Born even if he was born in the US!" argument as their alternative theory, but that argument puts the kebash on at least 7 past Preznits, more if you count all of the Preznits whose parents were British subjects residing in the US before independence.

  • arihaya

    Chris Matt-who ??

  • Pragmatist2

    Matthews heard they pay more on Fox News.

  • neiltheblaze

    He's apparently off his meds again. You can tell when he's on them, even though it's rare, because those are the odd moments he makes sense and doesn't sound like a nut yelling random things on a subway platform.

    • PresBeeblebrox

      The first sign of an attack of dementia is tingling up his leg.

  • donner_froh

    I just looked at the video and realize I hadn't watch Hardball for a while.

    Chris Matthews is really piling on the pounds–he never had a lean and hungry look but now he is getting fat as a pig and working on a real set of jowls.

    • iburl

      You try eating nothing but potatoes at every meal.

    • Beetagger

      He's giving us with diabeetes a bad name.

  • slappypaddy


  • elpinche

    Is Hardball still on? Pcch! Damn.

  • kenlayisalive

    Look, Chris is just fondly remembering the good old days when America was populated and ruled by overweight, blond alcoholics named Chris Matthews. Is that so wrong?

    • V572625694

      Tip O'Neill never thought so.

  • Steverino247

    I think anybody who believes Barack Obama isn't a citizen should be taken to the vet and put down permanently.

    Be lots less traffic, too.

  • horsedreamer_1

    So, when Matthews takes two or three weeks off in summer to go to Lesotho, it's not to catch up with his Peace Corps hangs but to search for Obama's birth certificate?

    Seriously, though, I could never hate the guy, given this PC connection.

  • Callyson

    I just hope that Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, and all the other women who have been the object of Tweety's woman issues are looking at this and laughing…you know, the way you're supposed to laugh at someone who flashes a tiny little reproductive organ…

  • Gorillionaire

    Tweety is always about six months or more behind whatever people are talking about. And always fixated on the stupid. He is the Jay Leno of cable news.

  • Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Hey, that isn't Chris Matthews! It's Richard Wolffe, who rose to prominence playing one of the telepathic aliens on the old Star Trek.

  • Sassomatic

    He's a cactus!

  • MarionNYNY

    Trying to talk a person with a fixed delusion out of it is as futile as getting involved in a land war in Asia. So, yeah, I guess they'll be releasing it soon.

  • Pop_Socket

    While we are asking for birth certificates, can we see Trig Palin's too? There is still something fishy about that set-up and it isn't a clubbed halibut.

  • hagajim

    I've got nothing…because Chrissy throws a hissy and sounds like a big sissy when he gets pissy….that is all.

  • Tundra Grifter

    That brief clip is proof nobody listens to Chris Matthews (including Chris Matthews) and why he should be ignored.

    He compares a "long form certificate of live birth" with a "thinner form" and his cogent analysis consists of "I'm not sure it [the second form] has less information."

    Here's a free tip on how to be a journalist: Read it!

    Matthews states it is a "manufactured controversy" and he wants to "end this nonsense" and then adds fuel to the fire. Whiskey Tango Foxtwat?

    Matthews asked "Are you saying 43% of the country is incorrigibly stupid?" Yes – based on the number of people who voted for McCain/Palin – the figure is at least that high.


    Wonkette Comment #300 – thanx to one and all for your support! Anybody here from Connecticut? I'll be here all week…try the sea bass…

  • JackObin

    Chris Matthews' birf certificate states he was born in Schmuck, Droolistan. Anybody know where that is?

  • mumbly_joe

    Democrats are for illegal immigrants…

    No, Democrats are for basic human rights and also for economic justice. I can see how you might get those two confused, though, Tweety.

  • Negropolis

    I'm going to go out on a heretical limb, here, but having actually watched that full episode on the show, more than giving his personal value judgement on illegal immigrants, it really sounded to me as if he was just stating things like they actually are. He's right, the Dems don't care about the border security part of the issue, or at least it's not a priority, and both parties directly benefit, politically, from not solving the issue.

    I say this as someone that who believes that basically, if you've risked your life to cross a border, and border security doesn't stop you, like baseball, you're safe. I also say this as someone that thinks we need to hire a shit-load of naturalization workers to basically process any law-abiding immigrants or resident (legal or not) who applies.

    Again, I really think Chris was stating a reality. And, my personal judgement is that like taxes, this is something the Democrats could theoretically get out in front of and take away its power as a wedge issue. A country that doesn't really have control over its borders isn't really a country, at all. We have a helluva broken system, and my thought is that a nation has the perogative to oversee its borders, and that immigrants have the perogative to seek a better life, legally or otherwise, and as the system goes at the moment, I don't blame either for doing what they have to do. Hopefully, our politicians have the balls to fix this shell game of a system.

    As for the birther shit, he's playing right into their hands. He's obviously not a birther, but he's using their talking points. Same with Neil Abercrombie. Both of them need to realize that that genie got out of the bottle a long time ago and they aren't putting it back in. Not now. Too late, so stop trying.

    • horsedreamer_1

      With Abercrombie, & any Hawai'ian otherwise, it's a point of pride that their state, the last one in (until Puerto Rico finally wises up that independence does not mean being an Hispanohablante Singapore), has produced a President. There was always some question of how "American" &/or American that remote island chain was — note: I said remote, not exotic — but now there is no doubt. Hawai'i is as American as basketball & jazz.

      So, I give the Governor some leeway. Prolly not Matthews, though.