more man than us

The Year In Lovable Crazy Longshot Midterm Candidates

We will never look at a stop sign the same way.This year, we saw some stellar legitimate candidates for Congress who were crazy and won their party’s nomination, such as Sharron Angle and Christine O’Donnell. But there were also some other, more mentally unstable longshot candidates. These candidates brought interesting new personalities and ideas to the fore, such as the notion of traffic-stop slavery, that had been grossly ignored by the media. They may not have had political connections, jobs, or any campaign organization to speak of. But their faith in the democratic process and the marketplace of ideas gave us hope. And funny YouTube videos.

South Carolina’s Alvin Greene was proof that this blind faith in democracy was legitimate, as the man won the Democratic nomination for U.S. Senate despite never campaigning for the office, and being indicted on sex charges. He won, of course, because South Carolina and the nation needed fresh, Daoist ideas in Congress, and early on we picked up on the fact that he is in fact a monk of that order.

Near the end of June, we called him up for an interview. Your editor felt like an asshole for asking so many questions and not even really getting to the important ones, about Daoist philosophy, he jotted down before the interview.

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In July, we received a tip about one Basil Marceaux and took a look at his amazing website. The candidate for Tennessee governor had given an interview to a local teevee station, which became an Internet Sensation and eventually landed him a spot on Jimmy Kimmel.

Soon, our investigative unit found out a local DJ of some kind had taken over his “campaign” and was staging YouTube videos with the intent of going viral. These days, they seem to be trying to use his success to launch some kind of music career; we caught up with him to get his midterm predictions, and he was still railing against the evils of traffic-stop slavery and electing Republicans to make America a republic rather than a democracy (what Democrats want) — the sudden fame didn’t make this man flip-flop. At his zenith, Basil joined other interesting Tennessee candidates for history’s greatest debate, which we chronicled, thanks to a lucky tipster witness:

So anyway! The debate. For starters, they tried to open with the Pledge of Allegiance, but Basil refused to say it to the flag that was on stage because it had gold fringe (one of his platforms, remember?) They delayed the debate while they tried to find another flag, but in the end, he just left the room during the Pledge. Then he came back in and everyone had to repeat the Pledge to a picture of the American flag on someone’s CELL PHONE in the corner of the room. [...]

Most of his answers made even less sense than everything he’s said on TV and on his website. He literally fell asleep at the podium between questions also.

Missing from the debate: another great crazy candidate/opponent of Basil’s whom we wrote about: The self-styled “Crazy Man James.”

Finally, the third of our favorite candidates this year: Ernest Pagels, Jr., who first appeared to us in this campaign commercial, the best of the whole cycle:

We looked into his various lawsuits and criminal charges, including a certain incident involving urination and a car tire at a local library.

Later, we interviewed him and came to learn a thing about paranoid schizophrenia and conservative politics. And even later, he gave up his campaign, and we put together a little tribute song with some of the sound clips:

It’s a fitting and noble way to remember all of these candidates. Godspeed, fellows. And never give up that hope.

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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98 comments

  1. weejee

    Yes there were Alvin, and Basil, and the ever-so-earnest Ernest. But what about Dino Rossi? Eh, what about Dino? And let's not forget Joe Miller, here, either, too, and also. We need to show some respect for those two schmucks as well.

    But, and however, the most astringent witchhazel in the mix was clearly Delaware's one and only Xtine O'Donnell. If long shot doesn't include someone who outs themselves as a witch, then sweet baby Jeebus who does the term cover?

        1. Neilist

          I shall endeavor to stoop lower in the future.

          I note, however, that it will be difficult to get down to your level.

          Without borrowing the Deep Water Horizons rig from BP, that is . . . .

          What?

          Really?

          When?

          XTINE!!!!!!!!!

      1. Terry

        Any candidate who has to buy airtime to reassure voters that she is not a witch gets a life time achievement award in the crazy category and is thus exempt from the competition.

    1. Sophist FCD

      Oh god, Dino Rossi! I actually had the privilege of voting against that smarmy fucknozzle. After watching about a million of his insufferable ads, putting that ballot in the mailbox was practically orgasmic. I hope he keeps running for things, because that feeling never gets old.

        1. Sophist FCD

          Yeah, really. Just hire a dominatrix already, Dino — nobody's going to care. Hell, that's pretty fucking vanilla by Republican standards.

  2. fuflans

    seeing this list of losers, i celebrate the knowledge that american democracy has once again triumphed and we will be governed by mature intelligent educated statesmen with our best legislative interests at heart.

  3. PublicLuxury

    Jeepers Creepers Wonkette. Have you been asleep for the last two years? Somehow, a Negro African American Kenyan Mahslum Socialist Marxist Rebel Solviet staged a coup and made John McCain sit in the back of the bus! This guy ACTUALLY thinks he is preznit and he's not even a 'Merican. Don't you think that should be #1 on the list?

  4. arihaya

    there is something really wrong when Basil Marceaux is basically less crazy than 99% of Teabagger candidates

    1. Sparky_McGruff

      That's republican "Family Values". America doesn't want those democrat values, like education and health-care. American wants republican family values, like saying "Jesus" a lot and chain-mail horse-on-girl porn.

  5. emmelemm

    I love how everybody can immediately suggest EVEN MORE crazy candidates from this year. They're never-ending, like Jesus' loaves and fishes.

  6. JoshuaNorton

    Well, to be fair, most of them weren't used to dealing with voices coming from outside their head.

    1. bflrtsplk

      Is it just me or does Alvin Greene bear a striking resemblance to the man posing as a slave in the South Carolina story? It's just me? Okee fine.

  7. bflrtsplk

    Never saw a Jesus loaf. If I were Christian, I'd be going straight to hell. Since I'm not, I don't know where I'm going, which pretty much sums up my life. By the way, would that be white, whole wheat, pumpernickel or rye?

    1. slappypaddy

      if you have to ask, your booth in hell is already reserved. it will be in the smoking section, since they don't have a non-smoking.

      1. bflrtsplk

        Then i don't have to give it up, though I will have to listen to my father telling me what filthy habit it is for eternity. How long is an eternity anyway?

  8. metamarcisf

    Hate to break it to you fellow Wonketteers, but the nuttiest candidates of this or any other year actually got elected, or in Gohmert's case, re-elected. Not to mention Pigford Smith (R) Texas.

    1. Radiotherapy

      I'm with you meta, some of the fucking craziest fucks won, silent but deadly. Vitter and Randy Paul to name a few. I guess there is nothing funny about cancers.

  9. PublicLuxury

    For the ultimate fear factor I loved Dale Peterson (Pederson?) running for Ag Commissioner in Alabama. I got the sense that voting for him would mean he'd shoot ya'll.

    1. GOPCrusher

      Oh hell ya. And after he lost the primary, he threatened to take Second Amendment remedies out on anyone fucking with the guy who won the primary, campaign signs. That was serious hardcore crazy.

  10. ttommyunger

    At the risk of redundancy, may I also point out that the younger Quayle retard actually fucking won and will be sworn in next month? We have more than enough crazies actually elected to spend any time on these fuckwad wannabees.

    1. GunTotingProgressive

      If it makes you feel any better, it's going to snow like a motherfucker here in AZ today, and the freeze down in the valley will probably kill Ben, who will be running around the street trying to catch snowflakes on his tongue.

  11. Mahousu

    Hey, what is Rand "Aqua Buddha" Paul, chopped liver? Though come to think of it, a chopped liver Aqua Buddha would pretty much sum up the 2010 elections.

  12. imissopus

    I was a big fan of the douchenoodle who made the ads with a bunch of people dressed up as the Founders and he angrily demanded that Abe Lincoln admit that taxes are the equivalent of slavery. I think he was in Arkansas. God that state gave us some good candidates this year.

    Taller than trees and brighter than starlight
    I never feel magic unless I'm with you
    Oh, Arkansas

  13. BeWoot

    Where's the vid of that guy running for GOP county chair who bellowed his entire, totally crazed speech? I want that one played at my next wedding–he's the best. (Although Basil is cute as lace underpants.)

      1. slappypaddy

        "i believe in the axiom–" (looks down, checks notes) "–that primal scream therapy is a way of life, that dictatorship is the only valid form of government, and that i'd better find a toilet before i piss my pants."

    1. transfatz

      That's all right. Someone has to face the new year with optimism. I suspect that this shit's gonna get worse before it gets worse.

  14. Negropolis

    Wait, no love for martial arts instructor and perennial political candidate Jimmy (Jimmy Mack) McMillan?

      1. Negropolis

        I know, right? Because, surely, somewhere in this great nation, the rnt will always be too damn high. And wherever this is, Jimmy will be waiting.

    1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Wow. Somebody has done some impressive work here.

      Either a Nobel Prize in Photoshopping needs to be awarded for this, or recognition needs to go to the photographer, the fluffer, and the publicist who kept this out of the lamestream porn press.

      I only wish I lived in a state that allows medical marijuana to ease the nausea I'm experiencing.

  15. Progressiveinga

    Hey, what about the candidate for Gov in Georgia who declared that his past behavior of having sex with a mule and with watermelons is "behind him". And his name is Horsley. He at least deserves honorable mention, amiright?

  16. slappypaddy

    i pledge allegiance
    to the flag
    of the cell phone of america,
    and to the twittering
    masses who stumble
    down the sidewalks,
    punching buttons,
    and who care not where they walk.

  17. horsedreamer_1

    Wisconsin's 7th went to a Real World MTV alumnus.

    I think those creeps from Ashland, Rhinelander, Wausau, Stevens Point deserve some kind of Meritorious Achievement in the Stupid award, apart from the stupid candidates, above.

  18. Oblios_Cap

    Thanks to Basil I'll never look at a gold-fringed flag the same way again. And, thanks to the Rent's too High fellow, I'm glad I'm a homeowner.

  19. Sassomatic

    Was that double rainbow guy a candidate or was he just high as fuck on LSD? It's hard to know the difference these days.

  20. hagajim

    Is it just me – or will 2010 go down in history as the year of the batshit crazy candidates? And God forbid some of them (Rand Paul) even won.

  21. GunTotingProgressive

    Anyone who brings a baseball bat to a concession speech has to jump NEAR the head of the pack.

  22. bflrtsplk

    He repeats "homoseckshality" because he's learning to speak English phoenetically. It's his first six syllable word.

  23. mishari

    Basil Marceauxdotcom…half man, half website…what's not to love? A candidate for the age of the interwebz. I'd vote for him just for the lulz.

    I wish our scumbag politicians (I'm in the UK) were half as likeable as Basil. He's a dope but he's kind of sweet in a Goober Pyle shit-for-brains kinda way and let's face it–could he really be more of a disappointment than Barak 'The Man From Wall St' Obama?

    Tell you what: you send us Basil and we''ll send you David Cameron. Deal?

Comments are closed.