MORE MAN THAN US  8:00 pm December 28, 2010

The Year In Lovable Crazy Longshot Midterm Candidates

by Jack Stuef

We will never look at a stop sign the same way.This year, we saw some stellar legitimate candidates for Congress who were crazy and won their party’s nomination, such as Sharron Angle and Christine O’Donnell. But there were also some other, more mentally unstable longshot candidates. These candidates brought interesting new personalities and ideas to the fore, such as the notion of traffic-stop slavery, that had been grossly ignored by the media. They may not have had political connections, jobs, or any campaign organization to speak of. But their faith in the democratic process and the marketplace of ideas gave us hope. And funny YouTube videos.

South Carolina’s Alvin Greene was proof that this blind faith in democracy was legitimate, as the man won the Democratic nomination for U.S. Senate despite never campaigning for the office, and being indicted on sex charges. He won, of course, because South Carolina and the nation needed fresh, Daoist ideas in Congress, and early on we picked up on the fact that he is in fact a monk of that order.

Near the end of June, we called him up for an interview. Your editor felt like an asshole for asking so many questions and not even really getting to the important ones, about Daoist philosophy, he jotted down before the interview.

In July, we received a tip about one Basil Marceaux and took a look at his amazing website. The candidate for Tennessee governor had given an interview to a local teevee station, which became an Internet Sensation and eventually landed him a spot on Jimmy Kimmel.

Soon, our investigative unit found out a local DJ of some kind had taken over his “campaign” and was staging YouTube videos with the intent of going viral. These days, they seem to be trying to use his success to launch some kind of music career; we caught up with him to get his midterm predictions, and he was still railing against the evils of traffic-stop slavery and electing Republicans to make America a republic rather than a democracy (what Democrats want) — the sudden fame didn’t make this man flip-flop. At his zenith, Basil joined other interesting Tennessee candidates for history’s greatest debate, which we chronicled, thanks to a lucky tipster witness:

So anyway! The debate. For starters, they tried to open with the Pledge of Allegiance, but Basil refused to say it to the flag that was on stage because it had gold fringe (one of his platforms, remember?) They delayed the debate while they tried to find another flag, but in the end, he just left the room during the Pledge. Then he came back in and everyone had to repeat the Pledge to a picture of the American flag on someone’s CELL PHONE in the corner of the room. [...]

Most of his answers made even less sense than everything he’s said on TV and on his website. He literally fell asleep at the podium between questions also.

Missing from the debate: another great crazy candidate/opponent of Basil’s whom we wrote about: The self-styled “Crazy Man James.”

Finally, the third of our favorite candidates this year: Ernest Pagels, Jr., who first appeared to us in this campaign commercial, the best of the whole cycle:

We looked into his various lawsuits and criminal charges, including a certain incident involving urination and a car tire at a local library.

Later, we interviewed him and came to learn a thing about paranoid schizophrenia and conservative politics. And even later, he gave up his campaign, and we put together a little tribute song with some of the sound clips:

It’s a fitting and noble way to remember all of these candidates. Godspeed, fellows. And never give up that hope.


Hola wonkerados.

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JackObin December 28, 2010 at 8:05 pm

George III is looking better all the time. He was a looney, but a happy looney.

WABishop December 28, 2010 at 10:01 pm

On behalf of the Commonwealth, I can let you know that all is forgiven; you are welcome back any time.

slappypaddy December 29, 2010 at 8:38 am

you don't want us back. we have a case of the clap that will have you pissing fire.

memzilla December 28, 2010 at 8:08 pm

Say, who know who else used the prevalent media of its time to promote its candidates?

imissopus December 28, 2010 at 8:37 pm

The Whigs?

Sophist FCD December 28, 2010 at 9:02 pm

The Visigoths.

slappypaddy December 29, 2010 at 8:39 am

the vandals.

horsedreamer_1 December 29, 2010 at 8:57 am

Is this viral marketing for Warped Tour 2011?

weejee December 28, 2010 at 8:13 pm

Yes there were Alvin, and Basil, and the ever-so-earnest Ernest. But what about Dino Rossi? Eh, what about Dino? And let's not forget Joe Miller, here, either, too, and also. We need to show some respect for those two schmucks as well.

But, and however, the most astringent witchhazel in the mix was clearly Delaware's one and only Xtine O'Donnell. If long shot doesn't include someone who outs themselves as a witch, then sweet baby Jeebus who does the term cover?

Neilist December 28, 2010 at 8:44 pm

I'm with Weejee. There was only ONE candidate in 2010.


trampndirtdown December 28, 2010 at 10:10 pm

Jesus brother, did you double dose on your meds this evening, your comments are not nearly assholish enough tonight. Hope you feel better;-)

Neilist December 28, 2010 at 11:52 pm

I shall endeavor to stoop lower in the future.

I note, however, that it will be difficult to get down to your level.

Without borrowing the Deep Water Horizons rig from BP, that is . . . .





Terry December 28, 2010 at 10:30 pm

Any candidate who has to buy airtime to reassure voters that she is not a witch gets a life time achievement award in the crazy category and is thus exempt from the competition.

Sophist FCD December 28, 2010 at 9:22 pm

Oh god, Dino Rossi! I actually had the privilege of voting against that smarmy fucknozzle. After watching about a million of his insufferable ads, putting that ballot in the mailbox was practically orgasmic. I hope he keeps running for things, because that feeling never gets old.

trampndirtdown December 28, 2010 at 10:03 pm

Don't worry Dino's gearing up to run against Maria in 12, he must really skim or just likes to lose to women.

Sophist FCD December 28, 2010 at 11:11 pm

Yeah, really. Just hire a dominatrix already, Dino — nobody's going to care. Hell, that's pretty fucking vanilla by Republican standards.

horsedreamer_1 December 29, 2010 at 8:58 am


user-of-owls December 28, 2010 at 8:14 pm

They may be poopyheads, but they're our poopyheads.

Texan_Bulldog December 28, 2010 at 8:17 pm

Uhhhh…speak for yourself.

fuflans December 28, 2010 at 8:16 pm

seeing this list of losers, i celebrate the knowledge that american democracy has once again triumphed and we will be governed by mature intelligent educated statesmen with our best legislative interests at heart.

trampndirtdown December 28, 2010 at 10:05 pm

Ahem cough cough DeMint.

Terry December 28, 2010 at 10:32 pm

Ahem, Rand Paul, cough. Aqua Buddha was elected in fricking Tennessee.

twaingirl December 29, 2010 at 11:57 am

No, he was elected in Kentucky. Kentucky, where banging your sister is a typical Monday night!

slappypaddy December 29, 2010 at 8:41 am

can i haz summa what yer smokin?

PublicLuxury December 28, 2010 at 8:23 pm

Jeepers Creepers Wonkette. Have you been asleep for the last two years? Somehow, a Negro African American Kenyan Mahslum Socialist Marxist Rebel Solviet staged a coup and made John McCain sit in the back of the bus! This guy ACTUALLY thinks he is preznit and he's not even a 'Merican. Don't you think that should be #1 on the list?

PublicLuxury December 28, 2010 at 8:24 pm

I want to make out with Basil.

trampndirtdown December 28, 2010 at 10:06 pm

Ewwh smelly.

slappypaddy December 29, 2010 at 8:42 am

it goes best on a bed of pasta.

Crank_Tango December 28, 2010 at 8:27 pm

rent is too damn high or GTFO.

angryclownspawn December 29, 2010 at 10:33 am

It makes sense to me, does it to you?

Negropolis December 29, 2010 at 10:29 pm

How about the Is Too Damn High Party?

arihaya December 28, 2010 at 8:45 pm

there is something really wrong when Basil Marceaux is basically less crazy than 99% of Teabagger candidates

Neilist December 28, 2010 at 8:46 pm

BASIL! The BEST Gun Control Policy EVRE!

bumfug December 28, 2010 at 8:47 pm

Alvin still lives with his dad so he started the "I Don't Pay No Damn Rent" party.

twoeightnine December 28, 2010 at 8:53 pm

Carl Paladino is going to rip your fucking testicles off.

(He also ignored the main point of this article because HEY LOOK AT THIS GIRL SUCK A HORSE OFF.)

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 28, 2010 at 10:33 pm

As a great man once said, "Fuck him. Fuck him."

Sparky_McGruff December 29, 2010 at 9:34 am

That's republican "Family Values". America doesn't want those democrat values, like education and health-care. American wants republican family values, like saying "Jesus" a lot and chain-mail horse-on-girl porn.

EdBradly7 December 29, 2010 at 5:22 pm

Carl Palimino, reinforcing Italian stereotypes? Not really he is just a funny guy.

emmelemm December 28, 2010 at 9:00 pm

I love how everybody can immediately suggest EVEN MORE crazy candidates from this year. They're never-ending, like Jesus' loaves and fishes.

rocktonsam December 28, 2010 at 9:00 pm

if you thought 2010 was retarded, 2012 will really be retarded.

oh boy

Neilist December 28, 2010 at 9:03 pm

Never go Full Retard.

Unless you're a member of the Gay Old Part-TAY, that is.

bagofmice December 29, 2010 at 9:32 am

How DARE you insult Trig!

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 28, 2010 at 10:39 pm

According to the Mayan calendar, the 2012 campaign season will be "frickin' apocalyptic" in its hilarity.

wonkettkinkster December 28, 2010 at 9:05 pm

is it just me or did the comments section flip from intensedebate to like wordpress and back?

jim89048 December 28, 2010 at 9:27 pm

If your p-ness is any indication, I'd ask for a refund.

PresBeeblebrox December 28, 2010 at 9:45 pm

It's just you.

JoshuaNorton December 28, 2010 at 9:13 pm

Well, to be fair, most of them weren't used to dealing with voices coming from outside their head.

PresBeeblebrox December 28, 2010 at 9:44 pm

Alvin the Monk now has his own graphic novel: "The Ultimate Warrior." Watch out, Alan Moore.

bflrtsplk December 29, 2010 at 4:51 am

Is it just me or does Alvin Greene bear a striking resemblance to the man posing as a slave in the South Carolina story? It's just me? Okee fine.

bflrtsplk December 28, 2010 at 9:50 pm

Never saw a Jesus loaf. If I were Christian, I'd be going straight to hell. Since I'm not, I don't know where I'm going, which pretty much sums up my life. By the way, would that be white, whole wheat, pumpernickel or rye?

slappypaddy December 29, 2010 at 8:45 am

if you have to ask, your booth in hell is already reserved. it will be in the smoking section, since they don't have a non-smoking.

bflrtsplk December 31, 2010 at 1:46 pm

Then i don't have to give it up, though I will have to listen to my father telling me what filthy habit it is for eternity. How long is an eternity anyway?

skaboomizzy December 28, 2010 at 9:58 pm

SkoalRebel in 2012.

metamarcisf December 28, 2010 at 10:18 pm

Hate to break it to you fellow Wonketteers, but the nuttiest candidates of this or any other year actually got elected, or in Gohmert's case, re-elected. Not to mention Pigford Smith (R) Texas.

Radiotherapy December 29, 2010 at 12:30 am

I'm with you meta, some of the fucking craziest fucks won, silent but deadly. Vitter and Randy Paul to name a few. I guess there is nothing funny about cancers.

PublicLuxury December 28, 2010 at 10:40 pm

For the ultimate fear factor I loved Dale Peterson (Pederson?) running for Ag Commissioner in Alabama. I got the sense that voting for him would mean he'd shoot ya'll.

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 28, 2010 at 10:51 pm

Makes sense to me.

slappypaddy December 29, 2010 at 8:46 am

he'd shoot all y'all. or all o' us'ns.

GOPCrusher December 29, 2010 at 12:43 pm

Oh hell ya. And after he lost the primary, he threatened to take Second Amendment remedies out on anyone fucking with the guy who won the primary, campaign signs. That was serious hardcore crazy.

ttommyunger December 28, 2010 at 10:45 pm

At the risk of redundancy, may I also point out that the younger Quayle retard actually fucking won and will be sworn in next month? We have more than enough crazies actually elected to spend any time on these fuckwad wannabees.

fuflans December 28, 2010 at 11:19 pm

yeah, that was my point.

ttommyunger December 29, 2010 at 10:06 am

I admitted being redundant, but the enormity of the problem requires repetition and emphasis.

GunTotingProgressive December 29, 2010 at 10:41 am

If it makes you feel any better, it's going to snow like a motherfucker here in AZ today, and the freeze down in the valley will probably kill Ben, who will be running around the street trying to catch snowflakes on his tongue.

ttommyunger December 29, 2010 at 10:54 am

One can only hope…

Mahousu December 28, 2010 at 10:53 pm

Hey, what is Rand "Aqua Buddha" Paul, chopped liver? Though come to think of it, a chopped liver Aqua Buddha would pretty much sum up the 2010 elections.

imissopus December 28, 2010 at 11:01 pm

I was a big fan of the douchenoodle who made the ads with a bunch of people dressed up as the Founders and he angrily demanded that Abe Lincoln admit that taxes are the equivalent of slavery. I think he was in Arkansas. God that state gave us some good candidates this year.

Taller than trees and brighter than starlight
I never feel magic unless I'm with you
Oh, Arkansas

DCHatesMe December 29, 2010 at 1:27 am

Oh yeah, Rick Barber. Talking constitutional law with a bunch of drag queens and himself.

fuflans December 28, 2010 at 11:20 pm

jack has earned a long winter's night today.

BeWoot December 29, 2010 at 12:03 am

Where's the vid of that guy running for GOP county chair who bellowed his entire, totally crazed speech? I want that one played at my next wedding–he's the best. (Although Basil is cute as lace underpants.)

Radiotherapy December 29, 2010 at 12:35 am

Do you mean this lunatic?

DoktorZoom December 29, 2010 at 12:50 am

THAT'S….THE GUY!!!!!!!!

And this was one of his calmer performances, I hear.

BeWoot December 29, 2010 at 1:51 am

Yeah! "I'm going to repeat that so I have clarity."

slappypaddy December 29, 2010 at 8:52 am

"i believe in the axiom–" (looks down, checks notes) "–that primal scream therapy is a way of life, that dictatorship is the only valid form of government, and that i'd better find a toilet before i piss my pants."

Monsieur_Grumpe December 29, 2010 at 9:10 am

I bet this guy cries more than Boehner.
Probably sweats more also.

BarackMyWorld December 29, 2010 at 12:29 am

This shit's gonna get worse before it gets better.

transfatz December 29, 2010 at 3:03 am

That's all right. Someone has to face the new year with optimism. I suspect that this shit's gonna get worse before it gets worse.

Negropolis December 29, 2010 at 2:09 am

Wait, no love for martial arts instructor and perennial political candidate Jimmy (Jimmy Mack) McMillan?

transfatz December 29, 2010 at 3:13 am

At the very least he deserves an honorable mention for the mustache.

Negropolis December 29, 2010 at 10:44 pm

I know, right? Because, surely, somewhere in this great nation, the rnt will always be too damn high. And wherever this is, Jimmy will be waiting.

Radiotherapy December 29, 2010 at 2:16 am

How about these two losers?

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 29, 2010 at 7:54 am

Wow. Somebody has done some impressive work here.

Either a Nobel Prize in Photoshopping needs to be awarded for this, or recognition needs to go to the photographer, the fluffer, and the publicist who kept this out of the lamestream porn press.

I only wish I lived in a state that allows medical marijuana to ease the nausea I'm experiencing.

slappypaddy December 29, 2010 at 8:54 am

the best sex either one of them has ever had.

GOPCrusher December 29, 2010 at 12:45 pm

Always will be, too soon.

Progressiveinga December 29, 2010 at 8:23 am

Hey, what about the candidate for Gov in Georgia who declared that his past behavior of having sex with a mule and with watermelons is "behind him". And his name is Horsley. He at least deserves honorable mention, amiright?

zhubajie December 29, 2010 at 8:47 am

"behind him"

You mean the mule is f*cking him now?

ShiftyParadigm December 29, 2010 at 8:27 am

Alas, Harold Stassen– you died too soon.

slappypaddy December 29, 2010 at 8:58 am

i pledge allegiance
to the flag
of the cell phone of america,
and to the twittering
masses who stumble
down the sidewalks,
punching buttons,
and who care not where they walk.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 29, 2010 at 9:00 am

Marceaux sounds French. I'm not sure I like that.

DaSandman December 29, 2010 at 9:03 am

Sharron Angle and Christine O’Donnell aren't considered as crazy as shithouse rats? How's that?

horsedreamer_1 December 29, 2010 at 9:04 am

Wisconsin's 7th went to a Real World MTV alumnus.

I think those creeps from Ashland, Rhinelander, Wausau, Stevens Point deserve some kind of Meritorious Achievement in the Stupid award, apart from the stupid candidates, above.

Oblios_Cap December 29, 2010 at 9:16 am

Thanks to Basil I'll never look at a gold-fringed flag the same way again. And, thanks to the Rent's too High fellow, I'm glad I'm a homeowner.

Sassomatic December 29, 2010 at 10:25 am

Was that double rainbow guy a candidate or was he just high as fuck on LSD? It's hard to know the difference these days.

hagajim December 29, 2010 at 10:43 am

Is it just me – or will 2010 go down in history as the year of the batshit crazy candidates? And God forbid some of them (Rand Paul) even won.

GunTotingProgressive December 29, 2010 at 10:46 am

Anyone who brings a baseball bat to a concession speech has to jump NEAR the head of the pack.

Slim_Pickins December 29, 2010 at 1:17 pm

Unfortunately, Pagels is sane compared to senator-elect Johnson.

bflrtsplk December 29, 2010 at 5:32 pm

He repeats "homoseckshality" because he's learning to speak English phoenetically. It's his first six syllable word.

mishari December 30, 2010 at 12:33 am

Basil Marceauxdotcom…half man, half website…what's not to love? A candidate for the age of the interwebz. I'd vote for him just for the lulz.

I wish our scumbag politicians (I'm in the UK) were half as likeable as Basil. He's a dope but he's kind of sweet in a Goober Pyle shit-for-brains kinda way and let's face it–could he really be more of a disappointment than Barak 'The Man From Wall St' Obama?

Tell you what: you send us Basil and we''ll send you David Cameron. Deal?

slappypaddy December 29, 2010 at 10:45 am

no, it's nostalgic wanking for the raping and pillaging europe tour. they killed 'em in rome in 455.

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