IF IT SHITS LIKE A PIG  1:15 pm December 28, 2010

Fun New ‘Soft Earmarks’ Don’t Count As Earmarks For GOP

by Jack Stuef

Nothing to see here.Problem: Your congressional district needs federal funds to keep from disintegrating into an anarchic wasteland of broken infrastructure and roads made out of abandoned plastic Wal-Mart junk, but you hate federal spending and want to ban earmarks. Solution: Just ask/coerce federal agencies very nicely, and they will give you money for your district. And, surprise, earmark-haters like Mark Kirk like to do this. This is apparently called “lettermarking” when it is requested in a letter and “phonemarking” when done over the phone. So, are earmarks made by a member of Congress literally dipping an ear in ink and using it to write the appropriation into the legislation? Perhaps they should get more credit than we thought for that.

But a New York Times review of letters and e-mail to government agencies from members of Congress shows that the practice is widespread despite the fact that both President George W. Bush and President Obama have issued executive orders instructing agencies not to finance projects based on communications from Congress.

Who are you going to listen to: The boss of the boss of your boss, or the people who pay to keep your bureaucratic department running? Actually it doesn’t matter, because unless your part of the bureaucracy is a hot-button issue, it will perpetuate itself forever, whether it needs to exist or not.

But you may as well give Mark Kirk what he wants. Look at that face!

Cakemarks are probably a good option. You spell out your request in icing, and then suddenly your pet project gets millions of dollars. At least then the bureaucrats get something out of it, right? Everyone loves cake.

Or skywritingmarks? Pretty romantic. [NYT]

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lochnessmonster December 28, 2010 at 1:18 pm

What do they call it if the request is face to face? Eyemarking?

Mahousu December 28, 2010 at 7:08 pm

Porking. Missionary porking, to be precise.

gvvt December 28, 2010 at 8:46 pm

very uncomfortable

nounverb911 December 28, 2010 at 1:18 pm

I guess you CAN have your pork and eat it too.

Beowoof December 28, 2010 at 2:31 pm

Oh I am sure that guy in the photo eats pork.

horsedreamer_1 December 28, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Kirk is all about the HBI.*

*Hot Beef Injection.

Not_So_Much December 28, 2010 at 1:23 pm


Kirk seems to be on a mission to prove what a giant bag of dicks he is. I assume he bought the 'Mission Accomplished' banner on eBay for a certain occasion.

weejee December 28, 2010 at 1:34 pm

The swallows have returned to Capistrano DeeCee on January 3rd of each year since 1934.

SayItWithWookies December 28, 2010 at 1:23 pm

To Republicans, earmarks are like sex with underage boys — it's something they're against on bedrock principle, so they only do it when they think nobody's watching.

Negropolis December 29, 2010 at 12:47 am

I think you won the thread, man. Stop winning them all. Give us little guys a chance.

Gratuitous World December 28, 2010 at 1:23 pm

it's only an earmark when it involves someone else's district/state.

you're really gonna question the guy in the $3,600 suit? C'mon!

Maman December 28, 2010 at 2:16 pm

It's only an earmark when a Democrat does it.

Gratuitous World December 28, 2010 at 2:46 pm

ah yes – i believe that's the Chambliss Rule

hagajim December 28, 2010 at 1:28 pm

Hypocrisy by any other name…I assume if Mark Kirk or Lindsay Graham are doing it, it should be called mushroom stamping!

Beowoof December 28, 2010 at 2:32 pm

And I would have thought with those two it was the tube steak boogie.

HeraSentMe December 28, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Series-of-Tubes marks went out when Ted Stevens lost reelection.

hagajim December 28, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Is it just me – or does there appear to be a sort of theme/meme on Wonkette today where the Repugs seem to have faces full of sticky white stuff?

Camaro Nova December 29, 2010 at 12:10 pm

Yeah. It really is not funny, unless you think South Park, Dane Cook or Zach Galifinukis (or whatever the fuck his name is) is funny.

Why doesn't Wonkette put jizz smears on the faces of straight women?

metamarcisf December 28, 2010 at 1:30 pm

Call it what you will. I call it dickmarking.

x111e7thst December 28, 2010 at 1:30 pm

What's it called if you write the request in piss, in the snow?

Beowoof December 28, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Lemon ice cream for Mr. Kirk.

Rotundo_ December 28, 2010 at 5:04 pm

Husky marking

SecretMuslin December 28, 2010 at 1:32 pm

And he'd have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for you pesky Wonketteers!

chickensmack December 28, 2010 at 1:32 pm

So here I was thinking that Jack was just having some fun with his English, when I read the article to discover that these words actually exist!! Phonemarking, lettermarking, territorymarking… Jesus, it's like a whole new world for Oxford English to review!

I think it's time to start hot-branding these hypocrites. We'll call it "hypomarking."

Oblios_Cap December 28, 2010 at 1:33 pm

I imagine that most of the GOP is favor of Santorum-marking, or Dirty Sanchez marking as they say in AZ.

An_Outhouse December 28, 2010 at 1:33 pm

If your representative is not SodomyMarking then its likely you live on an Indian reservation – or your neighborhood wil be resembling one soon.

mavenmaven December 28, 2010 at 1:35 pm

Its not an earmark when its accompanied by prayer.

Progressiveinga December 28, 2010 at 1:37 pm

And what do you call a certain Earmark Hater who claims he received an award he did not receive and that he was shot at when it was not clear his plane was fired upon and he had to clarify that he served stateside, not in the combat zone, during Operation Desert Storm?

Senator Mark Kirk. That's what you call him.

JoeMamased December 28, 2010 at 1:37 pm

Earmarks, lettermarks, phonemarks … Can we now accuse these guys of being Marksists?

V572625694 December 28, 2010 at 1:38 pm

It worked for Mitchell Wade, thanks to CA-R Randy "Duke" Cunningham, who presented that worthy government contractor with "bribe menu" a on congressional letterhead, stipulating certain antiques Duke's wife wanted, and what size contracts Wade would be given.

Funny: Duke's in prison because he picked up the wrong piece of paper. It's all the more poignant because you can see from has handwriting that he's all but illiterate.

slappypaddy December 28, 2010 at 1:38 pm

a huge pile of earmarks will make such a pretty fire.

metamarcisf December 28, 2010 at 1:40 pm

The phrase "parallel porking", created by another Wonkette, should be the new standard by which a Bachmann presidential bid should be measured. Doesn't make any sense what I just wrote, but I wanna mainstream "parallel porking"

HempDogbane December 28, 2010 at 2:18 pm

Unchaperoned Christian side hugs can lead to parallel porking.

Beowoof December 28, 2010 at 2:34 pm

or even horizontal porking.

Limeylizzie December 28, 2010 at 1:40 pm

I think , in his case, it's Jismarking or Markmarking even.

BeWoot December 28, 2010 at 4:45 pm

Marky Mark Ing

Negropolis December 29, 2010 at 12:49 am

An alternate spelling is Jizzmarking, and it's a popular one because you get to use the seldom used zee, or zed for you limeys.

V572625694 December 28, 2010 at 1:41 pm

Pity the poor bureaucrat who's been structuring a program for years and years, trying to satisfy those below him by building a multi-year edifice on the shifting sands of annual funding. All of a sudden Congressman X's chief of staff calls and says, "I'd very much like to know where this project stands on your list of priorities. And what I'd like to know most is that it stands at the top of your list of priorities. And I would like to know that by close of business tomorrow, if it isn't any trouble "

The really interesting part is to see the way this naked exercise of power is masked in nods and winks among the bureaucrats. They know it's wrong just like everyone does. But blowing the whistle won't change it.

WarAndGee December 28, 2010 at 1:45 pm


WABishop December 28, 2010 at 2:30 pm

I don't want to know how you ask for them.

Tommmcatt December 28, 2010 at 7:53 pm

You beat me! Dammit!

HempDogbane December 28, 2010 at 1:45 pm

On Tuesday Night Football there was an ad for a pill you can take now for soft earmarks. Ask your doctor if Firma is right for you.

Progressiveinga December 28, 2010 at 1:45 pm

And schmearmarking is when your congressperson secures funding for a local delicatessen.

revmatty December 28, 2010 at 1:46 pm

I've worked on federal systems. A common design pattern in any piece of custom software is the "Agency got a call from Senator/Congressperson and must now make the following random exception to the law in this one special case" that supercedes the official (documented) business rules.

arihaya December 28, 2010 at 1:46 pm

so ,,, "Soft Sex" is apparently also don't count as Sex for GOP

especially if it was done in an airport toilet or in Argentina

court5346 December 28, 2010 at 4:08 pm

or with a little boy

OneDollarJuana December 28, 2010 at 7:23 pm

"Soft sex" should only apply to about 51% of the population.

Wilcoxyz December 28, 2010 at 1:47 pm

Here in David Vitter's Louisiana we call it skidmarking.

Beowoof December 28, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Wouldn't that be diapermarking?

Tommmcatt December 28, 2010 at 9:20 pm

You beat me too ! AAAUGH!!!!

PhilippePetain December 28, 2010 at 1:52 pm

Dude, Mark Kirk's picture reminds me of when I was a kid and I went to Baptist church camp and some pastor dude would talk to me and I, not yet knowing what a chi-mo was, felt creeped the fuck out.

Boredw/Gravity December 28, 2010 at 1:52 pm

Puppymarks. Requests accompanied by fuzzy warm puppies.

CapeClod December 28, 2010 at 2:03 pm

Why doesn't Kirk just go to the appropriate government agency and moan to them about how a certain district in Illinios really, really needs a new bridge soooo badly and he doesn't know where the money is going to come from, puctuated with heavy sighs and sad head shakes. Eventually the bureaucrats will just give him the money if he will just fucking go away. Call it passive/aggressive marking.

Buzz Feedback December 28, 2010 at 2:06 pm

If I knew it was gonna be this kinda party, I'da put my dick in the mashed potatoes.

Sparky_McGruff December 28, 2010 at 9:18 pm

Note to self: stay home next time Buzz throws a party.

wegot2dobetter December 28, 2010 at 2:09 pm

This entire blog can be shipped to Afghanistan, no one has lost any

ttommyunger December 28, 2010 at 2:28 pm

That fucker looks gay enough without the added jism. Not that there's anything wrong with that, except when you pretend to be a straight, Christian war hero Crimestopper.

Beowoof December 28, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Creepy looking shit , tell you all about Jeebus at Xtian boys camp then try to blow you in the woods at the camp fire.

ttommyunger December 28, 2010 at 2:46 pm

Nailed it! That's our boy.

PublicLuxury December 28, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Hope the Holiday was a good one for you Tommy.

I made sure all the 'man stains' were not photographed. Unlike the 'Cumstopper' in the picture.

ttommyunger December 28, 2010 at 3:03 pm

You are too kind. Your sentiment is returned, with interest.

horsedreamer_1 December 28, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Never mind that earmark freezes are cosmetic.

mereoblivion December 28, 2010 at 2:53 pm

Kirk's theme song–or it would be if only it weren't by a group called Foreigner:

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to blow me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can blow me
Aaah woah-oh-ooh

(Spelling of last line approximate)

Camaro Nova December 29, 2010 at 1:17 pm

Oh we made up words to that one in high school (also approximate):

I wanna find an open wound
One that's dirty and infected
I wanna lick it 'till I swoon
And I want pus injected …
In my eyes
So I can feel the pain
Destroy what's left …
of my tiny brain
My tiny, worthless, brain

MadBrahms December 28, 2010 at 4:08 pm

I prefer singing-telegram-marks, myself. If you really want to double-dip, you can pay for your messages with NEA funds!

assistantatlas December 28, 2010 at 4:13 pm

How do people not know that Mark Kirk is gay? I mean, when drawing Perez Hilton-style cum on your portrait actually makes you look marginally less gay, that's pretty damn gay gayface.

Tommmcatt December 28, 2010 at 7:51 pm

Is that a drawing? It looks so natural.

Rotundo_ December 28, 2010 at 5:13 pm

Hating government while playing it like Hells' very own original Wurlitzer Theatre Grand Organ, it's The New GOP with Tea Party Goodness!

comrad_darkness December 28, 2010 at 7:45 pm

Infrastructure costs money?? No way. These are Republicans. God just waves his magic wand and makes it so.

Tommmcatt December 28, 2010 at 7:50 pm

My term for this kind of insincere, hypocritical, douchey posturing while bilking the public trust?


gvvt December 28, 2010 at 8:58 pm

Well, here's what the Senator posted on his website a couple of weeks ago – in a fit of either remarkably revealing self-awareness or faulty grammar:
FACT CHECK: Earmark Moratorium
December 14th, 2009
Myth: Misleading reports claim Congressman Kirk rejected Washington’s system of wasteful, pork-barrel earmarking earlier this year.

transfatz December 29, 2010 at 12:43 am

Why do they always look so creepy, like their mummified mother has been drying out on the easy chair antimacassars for a decade or so?

Negropolis December 29, 2010 at 12:52 am

Dude looks like a gay Howdy Doody. That is all.

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