and let's vote for 2016 while we're at it

States All Looking To Have First Primaries of 2012 Election, Probably Next Week

If New Hampshire moves, that could force Iowa — which has similar rules about putting some distance before another state’s voting — into January. That would break a gentleman’s agreement between the two parties to try to keep the official start of the 2012 voting in February, where it was for decades — before that, voting didn’t begin in Iowa and New Hampshire until March.

IT’S A RACE! WHICH OF THE FIFTY STATES WILL WIN?

Quick, everyone write down the name of the first Republican that pops into your head. You got it? Okay, that person is now officially the nominee to take on Obama in 2012! Congrats, Bob Dole. [NYT]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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48 comments

      1. LionelHutzEsq

        See, I was thinking of Larry Craig, who stands (or, at least, sits with a wide stance) for most everything one can cherish in the modern Republican Party.

        1. cheaphits

          I got Sister Sarah, North of the Yukon Territories – if Bush is Post Modern then Palin is Post Post Modern (which actually both she and Bush probably are).

          1. hagajim

            I actually think both Bush and Palin would be post mortem – especially Palin since W. killed the damn country.

    1. PublicLuxury

      I started to think about Buchanan. Nothing says, "Race War," like a Nazi and a Negro going head-to-head. Whadya think? Amirite or amirite?

  1. SorosBot

    It's important to protect the sacred principle that two tiny, nearly all-white states that don't have a single actual city between them continue to have the most important role in selecting our President.

    1. V572625694

      Clearly you've never been to Des Moines. (Wait for the picture to load — you won't be disappointed!) There are three or four multiple-story buildings there. I see no reason why a bunch of yokels shouldn't decide our national future.

      To their credit, they did give us Barry…

      1. SorosBot

        From Wikipedia, it looks like they have a skyscraper! And call the "city" the "Hartford of the Midwest"! Man, that place must be really exciting.

        1. JustPixelz

          Hey! I live in the "Hartford of Connecticut", which we call the "Des Moines of the East". And talk about exciting! Joe-mentum everywhere.

          1. Katydid

            Do you live in Hartford proper, West Hartford, or East Hartford? In which case, ha ha, and how's the pizza working out for you?

            What does go on in Hartford after 4:59 pm anyway?

            And, I'm only kidding, except about the pizza, and Hartford after 4:59 pm. I'd do nearly anything to get back to Connecticut.

          2. Jukesgrrl

            And Iowa City calls itself "The Paris of the Midwest." Which inspired me to call my house "Versailles."

        2. Naked_Bunny

          Man, that place must be really exciting.

          Nope. And that lack of anything better to do is how we stole the primaries from you easily distracted city folk. Mwahaha!

      2. PresBeeblebrox

        Now, come on. Iowa lets teh gheys marry, which is more than you can say for most blue states.

        Of course, the Iowa Supreme Court decision on ghey-marriage did result in the wingteabaggernuts launching a recall campaign to get EVERY SINGLE JUSTICE WHO DARED TO LEGISLATE FROM THE BENCH out of office… which is Exhibit A in why judges should not be elected.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I wouldn't put running past him, but more likely he & Cindy & Meghan are going to try to play kingmaker.

  2. horsedreamer_1

    Mirrors on the ceiling,
    The 2012 campaign to entice.
    And she said, "We are all just prisoners here, of our own device".
    And in the Priebus's chambers,
    They gathered for the feast.
    They stab it with their steely knives,
    But they just can’t kill the Alaskan hag-beast.

    Last thing I remember, I was
    Running for the door.
    I had to find the passage back
    To the place I was before.
    "Relax", said the Mormon,
    "We are programmed to receive.
    You can checkout any time you like,
    But you can never leave"!

  3. LionelHutzEsq

    I don't trust any of these states until they require a long form birth certificate and a full DNA test. We don't want any more Kenyan Black Urban presidents, do we?

    1. JustPixelz

      Yeah, one "birther" position is that Obama isn't natural born because his father wasn't a citizen. That's idiocy of course. But taken to it's logical conclusion, Presidential candidates would need DNA test to prove who is the biological father. Then prove that man was a citizen. Same goes for the mother.

      1. WABishop

        In fact, Ulysses S. Grant was the first president whose father was born in the USA. All the previous presidents' fathers were subject to the authority of some foreign power at birth. Undermines the whole system when you think about it.

  4. jjdaddyo

    ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? YOU ARE MAKING WAY TOO MUCH SENSE SO YOU OBVIOUSLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT POLITICS.

  5. metamarcisf

    Rumor has it that Krauthammer is thinking about running. Also about walking. Also about diving. Also…stop me please.

  6. V572625694

    Ha ha, it's like you think the people in charge of this stuff have the country's best interests at heart. They'll do this right after the Senate gets rid of the filibuster and goes to proportional representation by population.

  7. WABishop

    And who wants interesting candidates? Interesting candidates shake things up. Shaking things up means unpredictability. Unpredictability is bad for business.

    Luckily the system has enough checks in place to keep anything interesting from happening.

  8. Naked_Bunny

    Iowa should move its primaries to the day after the midterm election. Then we can skip this tedious "pretending to be governing rather than running for (re)election" farce.

  9. ttommyunger

    the GOP's evil plan is to turn famous Democrat Hand-Puppet Alvin Greene into a Republican Turncoat and run him against Barry, thereby throwing Democrats nationwide into confusion. According to Haley (Boss Hogg) Barbour: "After all, they all look alike, don't they?"

  10. Steverino247

    As long as the "Super Delegates" go away, I'm a happy camper. What a useless concept. It's right up there with "All Animals are equal, but some are more equal than others."

  11. PublicLuxury

    Bob Dole? Really? Mr. get a stiffy in a jiffy for preznit? Everybody is going to think he's happy to see them.

  12. Negropolis

    My state (Michigan) jumped the gun for 2008, and look what happened to it. I nearly didn't vote for a single Democrat that year because of that debacle, and I actually blame the parties more than I do our intent to force the system to add an actual major industrialized state to the early line-up.

Comments are closed.