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Orly Taitz Hanging With Eric Cantor, Writing Play About Army Birther

Edelweiss, edelweissSay, it sure has been a long time since we checked in with Orly Taitz, America’s leading dentist lawyer sanitation-worker waitress accountant fisherman actuary marketing-consultant mortician art-dealer publicist miner bishop truck-driver CEO carpenter professional-basketball-player dolphin. Hey, look, there she is hanging out with Eric Cantor! Those two are a classic comedy duo. Yes, poor Eric Cantor has had a lot of trouble disassociating himself with her in the past, and yet here he is again. She must dispense some really good dental-law advice, or perhaps it’s her stunning beauty. Anyway, Orly is working on a play, or maybe an opera, about that Army birther doctor guy, which sounds great. Good to see she can keep busy with other hobbies despite that evil Kenyan guy making human existence basically impossible.

Today most plays are nothing more, but liberal brainwashing. Corrupt media would not report the truth. Art might be the way to go. Maybe doing a bus tour and re-enacting Lakin’s life, which is amazing, is a way to bring the message home. Lakin came from an ordinary family. He is not a racist, his wife is from Thailand. His 3 children are bi-racial.

Except he got locked up in military prison, leaving his children behind, so maybe he does hate Asian kids, despite their good brains.

Here is a working title ”American POW in America”. We can make it as a drama or as a musical. It can be bigger than “Jesus Christ -superstar”. We have a de-facto crucifixtion of an American war hero by a corrupt regime of the Kenyan usurper. Pontius Pilate bones are turning green with envy in the grave, knowing how American Judges Clay Land, David Carter and Denise Lind overshadowed him. If you want to help in this endeavor, call me 949-683-5411. Orly

There are just no words sometimes.

My family really appreciates arts.

To describe this woman.

My kids did piano, Mission Renaissance art, stand up comedy, acting and my middle son graduated simultaneously with honors from High school and Opera conservatory.

Oh, they will be like the von Trapp family, defeating the Kenyan Nazis with the power of song! [Salon/Orly Taitz]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. metamarcisf

    Since Peter Townshend hasn't been doing much since that Super Bowl debacle, this would be a great collaboration for a rock opera. They could call it "Who Gives a Sweet Shit?"

  2. Clancy_Pants

    Something along the lines of The Count of Monte Cristo with Orly in the title role:

    "Until the day when God shall deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is summed up in these two words,-Wait and hope."

    1. Tundra Grifter

      You beat me to it! I was going to predict this would be the biggest thing on Broadway since SpiderMan hit but you got there first. Dang!

  3. aguacatero

    Shouldn't it be "Pontius Pilate's bones" or at least "Pontius' Pilate bones"? Otherwise seems cogent and well-argued.

    1. V572625694

      There are numerous typographical solecisms in Ms Tate's screed. But as ladies and gentlemen at the Wonkette, we honor her self-evident sincerity and dedication to this important cause by overlooking them.

    2. Tundra Grifter

      If you can ignore the random comma generator she apparently uses when she writes.

      "Today most plays are nothing more, but liberal brainwashing."

      Shakespearan, in its own way.

  4. Texan_Bulldog

    "Yes, poor Eric Cantor has had a lot of trouble disassociating himself with her in the past, and yet here he is again."

    Ha ha ha…maybe this will teach Eric to never have a one night stand with a crazy woman…you just KNOW she's a bunny boiler.

  5. Beowoof

    Eric dogging up on some Oily Taint. And the new play is something to think about, a twist on Exodus with all the Africans coming to America.

  6. Oblios_Cap

    "It can be bigger than “Jesus Christ -superstar”

    Yeah, Baby! Title it "Look at all my Trials and Tribulations".

    I'll be sinking in a gentle pool of wine, thank you.

  7. ChessieNefercat

    And then I dreamed I was reading this article that was so weird even for Wonkette. It was about Eric Cantor sponsoring an NEA grant for Oily Titz to produce a musical about PFC Lakin and his cowardice in the line of duty, and then Titz said maybe it should be an Opera?, and then Cantor said yes and we can stage it in the Naval Observatory (conservatory? whatever…) when the Bidens aren't home, and then Titz said And it should star my kids, and Cantor said wait there's more of you, and then he fainted and I woke up.

  8. neiltheblaze

    I honestly don't know what's more pathetic: Eric Cantor using Orly Taitz, or Orly Taitz using Eric Cantor to get in with their respective crowds. Seems like a lose-lose proposition.

  9. VinnyThePooh

    I'm guessing the title is Springtime For Hopey.

    Opening night will be like an indoor drive-in but with Rascals. They'll even have the little speakers to hang from the handle bars.

  10. weejee

    Take a close look at the picture and tell me they don't look like sibs? In fact Orly looks like Cantor in drag. Wait, is that an Adamz apple there under Orly's chin? Look at the deltoid on her upper arm!! Oh shit, Eric Cantor has a twin brother who is a drag queen – Orly Taitz!!

    1. MaxNeanderthal

      I know it's my favourite meme, but we all know Oily and Sacha Baron Cohen have never been seen in the same room at the same time -there's a reason for this. Oily IS Sacha's latest alter ego…..the truth will soon be revealed to the waiting world, mark my words…
      "My seester, second best prostitute in Kasakhstan!!"

  11. V572625694

    "Doc REMF¹, Superstar." Where do you sign up to invest in this can't-miss sure-fire SRO box-office smash? I know that evil conspirator judge in Columbus GA (a hotbed² of treason, to be sure) fined Orly $20K or so, but she will not be denied!
    ¹rear-echelon motherfucker
    ²home of Fort Benning, one of the US Army's holy places and about a million retirees who dare not stray to far from the PX and commissary

    1. weejee

      Ah, beloved REMFs. But they're a definite step-up quantum leap-up from the chickenhawks who oh so gloriously fill the ranks of boomer Rethugs and lecture vets like Max Cleland (silver star, bronze star, purple heart and none legs) about patriotism.

      1. V572625694

        "…boomer Rethugs and lecture vets like Max Cleland (silver star, bronze star, purple heart and none legs) about patriotism."

        Or John Kerry.

  12. WarAndGee

    "Today most plays are nothing more, but liberal brainwashing."

    Fuck, how sick are we of this constant snivelling by conservatives about their victimhood from liberalism.

    Jesus H already! Look around fuckos you're basking in liberalism, 8 hour work days, YOUR public education, food and drug safety,civil rights, interstate highways, affirmative action for ex military personnel (look it up).

    OK so what it is it with these nutters, if a few hours goes by without sybolically fallating MEMBERS of the armed forces (our most socialist insititution btw) or considering the glory of war, gun ownership, the founding fathers and the bible somehow the media is a liberal brainwashing instrument?


    1. GOPCrusher

      But according to Monica Crowley, the 2010 elections are proof that liberalism is dead and buried.


  13. SorosBot

    Just be careful, the last time there was a post about the idiot birther soldier we ended up getting a real, live birther troll; it seems talking about the crazy attracts the crazy.

        1. metamarcisf

          Thanks. Very enjoyable. Now I would like for every Wonkette who participated in that pissfest with Triper57 to present your natural born birth certificates. Now.

    1. GunTotingProgressive

      You fucking liberals, why can't you just show us the birth certificate already? I mean, how hard is it to prove that the Negro isn't an illegal alien? I mean, it's really EASY to prove a negative…

      Fuck, this is harder than it looks…

    2. ChessieNefercat

      Isn't there some way Ken can spray for them? Hire Orkin or somebody that can apply cyberspray to prevent bad electrons from breeding?

      1. horsedreamer_1

        I am, but my name's not Shirley.

        In the ad, Zucker….recreates former Clinton Secretary of State Madeleine Albright's 2000 visit to North Korea. During the visit, Secretary Albright presented North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il with a basketball autographed by former NBA superstar Michael Jordan. Actress Adele Stasilli-Fernandez, playing Albright, is shown presenting Kim Jong Il with the basketball, painting the walls of Osama bin Laden's Afghanistan cave and turning a blind eye to suicide bombers. In one scene, her skirt rips as she changes the tire of a Middle Eastern dictator's limousine. One GOP strategist said "jaws dropped" when the ad was first viewed. "Nobody could believe Zucker thought any political organization could use this ad. It makes a point, but it's way over the top."

  14. SorosBot

    And hey, a soldier being prosecuted and imprisoned for blatant refusal to follow orders is just like getting strung up and left to die slowly and painfully.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Oh, man, but the parallels are uncanny. Jesus was a famous miracle healer – raised people from the dead! And this Lakin guy was some kind of Army medical-person thing.

  15. neiltheblaze

    The only problem with being the next Jesus Christ Superstar is that the original was such a friggin' bore. She forgot to mention her granddaughter does macrame and tap lessons.

  16. chickensmack

    How do you solve a problem like a birther?
    How many iterations do they enjoy?
    Why does the evidence go without notice?
    The-short-form-cer-ti-fi-cate for this Kenyan boy?

    How do you solve a problem like a birtheeeeeer?
    Just shake your head and walk away in shame.

  17. natoslug

    I went to some really shitty performance art in LA in the late 70's/early 80's, with shit (literally, shit) being thrown at the audience and long soliloquies about rape and how all men are rapists and way too much talk of painting with menstrual blood for my early teenage self to enjoy, and yet, looking back, I realize that was nothing compared to the performance piece known as Orly Taitz. We really need to get cracking on a decent time machine so she can be sent back to spend eternity in a warehouse somewhere in the San Fernando Valley, screaming and sobbing at Los Angelinos sitting in miserable metal folding chairs, drinking shit wine from styrofoam cups and looking on in rapture at the raving fuck on and off the stage.

  18. Oblios_Cap

    Who's the guy standing next to Cantor? Geez – all the women in that photo (Cantor included) are photogenically challenged.

  19. mavenmaven

    Won't someone finally point out that an American serviceman married to an Asian woman is not proof of non-racism?

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Indeed. It can be evidence of racism or sexism at the least. I was married to a Marine for 20 years. A commonly heard refrain was that picking up a wife from the Phillipines or Asia was a smart move because women from those countries knew their place, etc., unlike those problematic American women.

      What was comical was seeing how quickly these brides learned that life was indeed different in the US of A and that they could, in fact, tell their husbands to polish their own damn boots, and to use someone else's head for an ashtray.

      1. Pithaughn

        Don't forget, military men marry the first woman they fuck. So an Asian bride for many is almost a certainty and has nothing to do with not being a racist. One of my customers would remind his wife/slave that she was living in a grass hut until he married her, so stfu and bring me another natty light.

        1. zhubajie

          "Don't forget, military men marry the first woman they fuck."

          So what's his name, the Son of Sarah Palin, will bring home a Yezidi? Or worse a Chaldaean (Eastern-rite Catholic)?

      2. zhubajie

        Lots of Asian women are powerful at home, too. My experience of Chinese girlfriends is that they like to be in control.

  20. JustPixelz

    "He is not a racist, his wife is from Thailand."

    Unless he got her off the internet, because everybody knows that Asian women are subservient great wives.

    1. DashboardBuddha

      True story time…

      I once worked alongside this loathsome right wing asshole that was married to a very nice lady from the Philippines. We were talking about this very thing and I had in my mind an image of a lonely serviceman, far from home and a smart, ambitious young woman…eyes across a crowded room blah blah blah.

      (First a little bit about me…I used to have this really bad habit of blurting out the first thing that came to mind. It was all brain to mouth with no filter of any kind.)

      Before hearing the rest of the story (and thus getting critical information), I said, "That's cool…I'm glad it wasn't one of those creepy mail-order bride thingies."


  21. cheaphits

    Is bad art better than no art?

    Probably so, but I'm impressed to see anyone from deep right field express an interest in anything artistic aside from gunsmiths and quilting.

  22. gef05

    In Orly's play, Jesus and Barry have a light-saber duel, and all seems lost for Jesus when Malcolm X falls from the sky and attacks with his Short Form of Blackness. But suddenly, still reeling from the shackles of his false imprisonment, Captain Everyman Lakin swings in on a rope made from the after-births of Muslins and strikes down Barry and Malcolm with his shimmering Long Form of Truth.

    Or something.

  23. mavenmaven

    gefo5- dont forget the crucial line- this being a Taitz play, just as Darth Vader appears poised to kill Barry, he must say "I am your father and you were BORN IN AFRICA"

  24. hagajim

    "Orly gives Cantor Oral"

    That's the play that should be on Broadway. While waving her birth certificate as well – also.

  25. MiniMencken

    I'm currently composing a musical about Orly entitled "A Shonda für Die Goyim." Maybe Eric wants to be an angel?

  26. Ducksworthy

    I'm scratching this into the green paint on the toilet stall in the courthouse. call me 949-683-5411. Orly

  27. RedneckMuslin

    Does Cantor realize that he has been photographed with the guy who got caught ( photographed) leaving Lindsay's place the other night?

  28. user-of-owls

    Pontius Pilate bones are turning green with envy in the grave

    You know, Pontius, a little silver polish would take care of that.

  29. PeaceWithHonor

    Scene 1: An antebellum plantation. Lakin stops picking cotton long enough to compassionately rescue a stricken beetle that has landed on its back. Overseer Obama rushes forward, whip in hand, to deliver a righteous lashing.

  30. yellowerdog

    It's always a pleasure to see the Repubs bring a little culture, and a little drama. Didn't know they were into George Bernard Shaw. Check the photo – 'Arms and the Man"

  31. deanbooth

    I recommend Shatner for the lead. Only he could capture the strange, pauses called for, in the script.

  32. ttommyunger

    I haven't seen smiles that big since I spotted Newt Gingrich and Lucianne Goldberg pumping away behind that dumpster in Cartersville, Georgia. BTW, easy to spot the "top" in this couple, check out the guns on that cunt, the blonde one.

  33. BarackMyWorld

    There is no nutjob the GOP won't cozy up to in order to get some votes/contributions, exhibit 32454.

  34. xzargo

    GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! TAKE IT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  35. UpstateYorkee

    So, New York State just sent me a 'certificate of live birth' rather than a 'birf cerftificate' for my most recent spawn. Does that mean she cannot run for preznit in the next five or six years?

  36. Negropolis

    I dreamed a dream of time gone by…

    Don't stop believin' , Orly, you poor, stupid martyr, you. Oh Lordy, your trouble so hard, oh lordy, your so hard, don't nobody know your troubles but God, ain't nobody know your troubles but God…

    First they came for the Orly Taitz, and I said nothing because I wasn't a delusional, coked-out bimbo…

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