Every year, the technology editors at Wonkette review their reviews of the top political iPad apps and then put them together for our popular New Year’s Treasure Chest/Promise Keepers Review Post, “Top 10 iPad Political Apps of 2010.” This year is certainly no different! Whether it’s a cloud-based xml database that tracks liberal disillusionment with Barack Obama’s Republican policies or a GPS-based marijuana/Taco Bell real-time inventory system that crowd-sources whether Bristol Palin is (at this moment) ovulating and in the back of a car with some guy on break from Jiffy Lube while a Kid Rock “rural rap” is sputtering through the one functioning speaker, 2010 brought America some of the best political apps of the previous decade. But which one is Number One, and Who Will Win?
- Lindsey Graham Backdoor iChat (iPad edition): Does the iPad have a camera? Probably not! That’s why you’ll need this app ($4.99) from a popular gay-outing thing somewhere. Check in often to see (with night vision) what back door Lindsey Graham is creeping out of, tonight!
- Little Christian Albert Einstein (Palin Toddler Edition): What is that moving on the iPad screen? A real, alive roach or maybe some kind of dingbat devil monster taking away mama’s precious Bugles ™ crumbs? Smack that thing and get points, somehow. Proceeds attack all known science, art and basic human dignity. Can’t be turned off. ($172,000)
- Newt Gingrich’s Novels Quote Generator: Is somebody talking about Newt Gingrich again? Doubtfully. But just in case you have to work at POLITICO or whatever, keep this handy so that when some numbskull former Washington Times opinion editor/toilet scrubber says, “Oh hey I hear DA NEWT is gettin’ super serious about running for president,” you can kick this person in the mouth and then press the iPad against their face, really hard, while that awful robot voice quotes random Newt “historical novel” things about breasts rubbing against guns in the night. (13 cents)
- Weeping Orange Drunken Idiot Radar (constantly updated photo/map of John Boehner crying while he tries to urinate): Wondering whether John Boehner is going to pee all over your shoes tonight while he cries? This must-have iPad app ($5.99) shows where John Boehner is currently crying and urinating, so that you have a decent shot at getting away from him. Terrifying orange screen settings will ruin everything else forever.
- Joe Miller stubble growth indicator: Are you still wondering about that Ivy League greaseball Joe Miller, who apparently ran for the Senate in Alaska and then got shoved down an ice-core sample shaft, for fun? Just hold your iPad against your whiskers and an annoying sound will let you know when you’re starting to look like Joe Miller. Works for women, too! ($1.29)
- Bristol Palin astronomical calculator/Ovulation App/Taco Bell real-time back-seat inventory database: Oh Bristol, where do you sleep tonight? This official SarahPAC iPad app shows one of the five cars or “basement game rooms” where Bristol can currently be found, along with a lunar ovulation calculator that is automatically updated by Jesus Christ, the endlessly tortured Bible character. Doesn’t work that well but Bristol somehow gets a hundred grand from this. ($12.99)
- Robert Gibbs Advent Calendar: This delightful peek-a-boo December calendar allows liberals to donate another $50 to the Obama Campaign and then download this app, which features southern Reaganite Robert Gibbs barking such snide comments as, “Well, you knew I was a scorpion when you let me get on your back,” and “Ha ha, liberals suck poopsicles.”
- Super iPad Time Machine: What will you do when there’s literally nothing left to American Civilization but fast food and cell phone contracts? You’ll still be trying to get an AT&T signal! But it won’t come, and you’re left standing on the Interstate onramp like in some 1990s REM video, and your iPad is basically a rock that’s heavier than the Kindle rock. This app ($10.99) lets you compare the weight of an iPad to the weight of various Kindle models, and then you have a throwing contest in an attempt to crush a stray cat’s skull, so you can eat the stray cat.
- National Debt Counter: Stupid thing just goes and goes. Random buttons will charge a subscription to Reason Magazine to your debit card or approve Death Panels for your school-aged children. (Free with Social Security number)
- Angry Turds: Hot new video game hit! Sarah Palin is super angry up in her tree because Michelle Obama is trying to keep kids from getting fat by letting them play and eat apples. But anger-bird Sarah Palin knows kids should get as fat as they want, living in a pool of diarrhea, and then get diabetes and have Canadian Health Care. Updates your Facebook constantly, every six or seven seconds. This game cannot be won. (Free download with seven Happy Meals)
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