Constantly alerts you if Barack Obama smokes or Bristol Palin ovulates.Every year, the technology editors at Wonkette review their reviews of the top political iPad apps and then put them together for our popular New Year’s Treasure Chest/Promise Keepers Review Post, “Top 10 iPad Political Apps of 2010.” This year is certainly no different! Whether it’s a cloud-based xml database that tracks liberal disillusionment with Barack Obama’s Republican policies or a GPS-based marijuana/Taco Bell real-time inventory system that crowd-sources whether Bristol Palin is (at this moment) ovulating and in the back of a car with some guy on break from Jiffy Lube while a Kid Rock “rural rap” is sputtering through the one functioning speaker, 2010 brought America some of the best political apps of the previous decade. But which one is Number One, and Who Will Win?

  • Lindsey Graham Backdoor iChat (iPad edition): Does the iPad have a camera? Probably not! That’s why you’ll need this app ($4.99) from a popular gay-outing thing somewhere. Check in often to see (with night vision) what back door Lindsey Graham is creeping out of, tonight!
  • Little Christian Albert Einstein (Palin Toddler Edition): What is that moving on the iPad screen? A real, alive roach or maybe some kind of dingbat devil monster taking away mama’s precious Bugles ™ crumbs? Smack that thing and get points, somehow. Proceeds attack all known science, art and basic human dignity. Can’t be turned off. ($172,000)
  • Newt Gingrich’s Novels Quote Generator: Is somebody talking about Newt Gingrich again? Doubtfully. But just in case you have to work at POLITICO or whatever, keep this handy so that when some numbskull former Washington Times opinion editor/toilet scrubber says, “Oh hey I hear DA NEWT is gettin’ super serious about running for president,” you can kick this person in the mouth and then press the iPad against their face, really hard, while that awful robot voice quotes random Newt “historical novel” things about breasts rubbing against guns in the night. (13 cents)
  • Weeping Orange Drunken Idiot Radar (constantly updated photo/map of John Boehner crying while he tries to urinate): Wondering whether John Boehner is going to pee all over your shoes tonight while he cries? This must-have iPad app ($5.99) shows where John Boehner is currently crying and urinating, so that you have a decent shot at getting away from him. Terrifying orange screen settings will ruin everything else forever.
  • Joe Miller stubble growth indicator: Are you still wondering about that Ivy League greaseball Joe Miller, who apparently ran for the Senate in Alaska and then got shoved down an ice-core sample shaft, for fun? Just hold your iPad against your whiskers and an annoying sound will let you know when you’re starting to look like Joe Miller. Works for women, too! ($1.29)
  • Bristol Palin astronomical calculator/Ovulation App/Taco Bell real-time back-seat inventory database: Oh Bristol, where do you sleep tonight? This official SarahPAC iPad app shows one of the five cars or “basement game rooms” where Bristol can currently be found, along with a lunar ovulation calculator that is automatically updated by Jesus Christ, the endlessly tortured Bible character. Doesn’t work that well but Bristol somehow gets a hundred grand from this. ($12.99)
  • Robert Gibbs Advent Calendar: This delightful peek-a-boo December calendar allows liberals to donate another $50 to the Obama Campaign and then download this app, which features southern Reaganite Robert Gibbs barking such snide comments as, “Well, you knew I was a scorpion when you let me get on your back,” and “Ha ha, liberals suck poopsicles.”
  • Super iPad Time Machine: What will you do when there’s literally nothing left to American Civilization but fast food and cell phone contracts? You’ll still be trying to get an AT&T signal! But it won’t come, and you’re left standing on the Interstate onramp like in some 1990s REM video, and your iPad is basically a rock that’s heavier than the Kindle rock. This app ($10.99) lets you compare the weight of an iPad to the weight of various Kindle models, and then you have a throwing contest in an attempt to crush a stray cat’s skull, so you can eat the stray cat.
  • National Debt Counter: Stupid thing just goes and goes. Random buttons will charge a subscription to Reason Magazine to your debit card or approve Death Panels for your school-aged children. (Free with Social Security number)
  • Angry Turds: Hot new video game hit! Sarah Palin is super angry up in her tree because Michelle Obama is trying to keep kids from getting fat by letting them play and eat apples. But anger-bird Sarah Palin knows kids should get as fat as they want, living in a pool of diarrhea, and then get diabetes and have Canadian Health Care. Updates your Facebook constantly, every six or seven seconds. This game cannot be won. (Free download with seven Happy Meals)
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  • It's all iCrap.

    Solitaire's still more interesting.

    • horsedreamer_1

      My do-it-yourself gynecology practice is waiting to debut the iPap.

      • OneDollarJuana

        My proctologist is working on his iPoop app. Orville Redenbacker is working on his iPop app. The American Kennel Club is offering their iPup app. I'm here all week.

      • MsQuasimodo

        Double, triple, quadruple pee points for this. Someone created a cell phone app that checks for STDs – no fucking idea how, little magic gnomes living inside maybe?

  • Funny, before reading this post, I actually wanted an iPad.

    • V572625694

      No, the Apple fanboys are all gravitating towards the MacBook "Air," with its solid-state drive and instant-on applications. iPads are so 2009.

      • Katydid

        Well, now that they're out of o.b. tampons, iPads will start going up in price.

        I know, I know, groan.

      • MsQuasimodo

        The iPad is becoming the most popular portable computing device of choice among health care providers for electronic medical charting. Before iPad, SmartPhones were the bomb for EMRs, but iPads are larger and easier to read, can look at radiology films, &c. MacAir is too large to carry around from room to room. Health care is always behind the curve.

    • SorosBot

      Hey, I for one have always wanted a device that's just like a laptop except that it can't do anywhere near as much stuff, and you need to use one of those annoying touchscreens instead of an actually useful mouse.

      • V572625694

        Or keyboard.

        • Crank_Tango

          Yeah I still want one because I work all day on my desktop, and when I am hanging out on here using my laptop it gives me wicked carpal tunnel/zoidberg claw. And besides, I don't need a keyboard for porn. You CAN watch porn on them, right?

          • Only if you don't want to see videos in flash format(75% of vids btw).

      • (Said the person who's never actually used one.)

  • horsedreamer_1

    But Kid Rock is attempting a career revival working with that known Buddhist Rick Rubin (also, Jew?). No way a RILLMURICAN would listen to any music that would come of that.

    • SayItWithWookies

      I know compassion for all of humanity is a tenet of Buddhism, but working with Kid Rock is taking it to the extreme. And what the hell is up with that awful name? I'm assuming Middle-Aged Anthemic Crap was taken.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I more I see of Bristol the closer I get to just saying "fuck it" and becoming an asexual.

  • chickensmack

    The Reagan Presence App — determines within ±0.05% how much of Reagan's cold-hearted spirit is being invoked in a room of true-believers. Really isn't worth more than the $4.99 download fee, but is a great novelty to demonstrate The Gipper's approval or disapproval of the current grousing and bitching.

    Weirdly, it goes up by only 3.29% (benchmarked!) when the Fox News Channel is on in the background.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    "…and then you have a throwing contest in an attempt to crush a stray cat’s skull, so you can eat the stray cat…."

    That's why I steer clear of 'moo goo gai pan', and any other delicacy with 'goo' as part of it's name.

  • samsuncle

    When asked about his sexual orientation Lindsey replied " I got ninety-nine problems but a bitch aint one".

    • Crank_Tango

      BEING a bitch, however, is one of his biggest problems.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    The "James Dobson Taking A Shower With His 5-year Old Son" App ($14.99)

    Sure it's one of the more expensive apps, but where else are you going to learn the difference in penis sizes between grown men and little boys, and have it still be considered normal, healthy, hetero-promoting sexual behavior, instead of everyone groaning with disgust and the cops showing up to cart your deviant ass off to jail?

    • chickensmack

      Americans are just giving their freedumbs away left and right…

    • user-of-owls

      For just $1 more, you can tack on the "Chris Hansen Proximity Alarm" app.

  • smokefilledroommate

    The Mitch McConnell: Turtle Power! app. Using his poké power 'Shell Attack', watch Mitch block all kinds of legislation in real time!

  • WarAndGee

    What about "uDildo!" app? Oh wait forgot to invent that. I'll be right back. Will K-Y wreck an iPhone?

    • mereoblivion

      I don't think KY allows iPhones. Wait, I'll go ask Mitch.

  • Radiotherapy

    How about a Bachmann Constitution app? 24/7 All Constitution, all the time.
    Comes with optional rotary phone access.

    • GunTotingProgressive

      Would this be the expurgated version (nothing about freedom of speech, religion; any amendment other than the 2nd or 10th)?

  • PsycWench

    I'm waiting for the "Bryan Fischer Gets Caught With An Underage Prostitute Countdown App". Once the inevitable happens it converts into an alarm clock that plays "Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy" at the appointed time so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

    • V572625694

      Dya think Fischer just simply hasn't heard about yet? Cuz we could tell him.

  • Katydid

    When I was in school, the school's biggest social events were at J-Box at 4 in the morning. The more boxes of fries a person was eating, the more stoned he was. The pre-med nerds even had a formula to calculate it.

  • slappypaddy

    thanks, ken! you're a lifesaver! i think i'll snatch some of these up while they're discounted, and give them as christmas gifts next year.

    (um… what's an "app"? and i don't have pads over my eyes, but i have bags under them. will the apps still work?)

  • iPad, iPhone, iPod, iPiddle (oops leaking a secret of the oldes there).

    Here's hoping HAL will give everyone an ILLIAC III instead of their usual New Year's hangover. Open the iPod bay doors, please Hal Steve

    • V572625694

      You're cruisin' for a core dump, old-timer.

  • gef05

    As soon as they offer an iBlowJob app I'll sign up.

    But until then: meh.

    • Katydid

      There once was an app from Nantucket….

      • prommie

        You from Philadelphia? With that greeting, 'what are you looking at?", its natural to suspect.

        Its pretty low tech, but still, you can set the iphone to vibrate, but its not even close to a blowjob. Closest thing to cyberdildonics, and its free!

  • hagajim

    Should that App for Lindsay tell you what backdoor he is going in and out of?

    • jim89048

      Pretty sure he's a bottom.

  • An_Outhouse

    Where's the Megan McCain's Boobs App?

    • Removed by the App Store for violation of terms of service (too boring).

  • bigdupa

    Maybe 2011 will bring us the long awaited iTouch Myself- Adobe will go down so low that APPL will buy it, allow Flash, yadda yadda, porn apps, stock goes to $800.

  • Lucidamente1

    The Ken Layne Anger Manager App:

    Monitors Ken's blood pressure and heart rate every time he posts. Warns when his righteous anger threatens his cardiovascular health.

  • ttommyunger

    What about what's going in and out of Lindsey' back door? I'm guessing it rhymes with Boehner.

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