The Year In Secession

  slaverygasm

Trumping the race card since 1861.Your Jack Stuef has now been an (often “the”) editor for over half of this year, so your affection for all previous editors should now be extinct, and he should be allowed to do year-in-review type things with the consent of the blog-governed. It has been a crazy year in politics (a.k.a. “a year”), so that has been nice for us, as usual, even if that’s not great for, say, mental health. Remember when Barack Obama stoled health care for all the youngs under age 26, for example? And then he became a Republican? And then he came back and passed a gay draft into our military for our gay wars, against the wishes of prominent assumed gays such as Lindsey Graham? Anyway, let us count down some of the important themes of this Great American Novel that was the 2010 shitshow. First up: secession and a return to the Confederacy! Never forget.

Seeing as we were safely in the 21st century, it was suddenly politically expedient to call for your state to return to the good ol’ days of slavery (sorry, “states’ rights”) by seceding from the Union that provides you with highways and a national defense and federal funding and such. This, in turn, gets you attention and the votes and Social Security checks and message-board fervor of crazy white people. And it wasn’t even Rick Perry who did it this year!

In March, Rep. Paul Broun of Georgia let us know that health care would be worthless as Confederate money after the Civil War. Haha, those Confederates were dumb! Wait, no, the low value of Confederate money was the Yankees’ fault, by the way, according to what may be 2010′s biggest, craziest aside:

In April, Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell honored the brave slave-owners who fought an insurrection against their country (*COUGH* traitors) so that they could own human beings. And he did not honor those people who were treated as property (and not even the kind of property you care about if it breaks), because tourism. Forward thinking!

Ugh! It's so hard to choose! Such good choices!
Also in April, CNN did this. And they continued steadily to lose all their viewers forever, somehow.

In July, Congressman Zach Wamp, was in a bitter contest against our pal Basil Marceaux for governor of Tennessee. He said he was super annoyed that states would have to go through that painstaking secession thing again, yet they would have to of course if they didn’t elect people like him to solve the problems (of not-slavery?). He lost his primary, so presumably Tennessee will secede in anger over his loss any day now.

Any day now.

In September, the National Federation of Republican Women had a cocktail party in South Carolina at which everyone dressed up like slave-owners and Confederates. Some black people in period clothing (slave wear) were shipped in and presumably paid, this time.

Oh, and at that thing, they had a “live auction.” Good thing to do so close to an election. In South Carolina, at least.

On election night, Carl Paladino joked drunkenly about his state seceding during his insane concession speech. And the South was like, “No, that is the home of the Yankees, according to sports.”

Also, Arkansas elected a state representative who was (is?) a leader of a group that calls for a restoration of the Confederacy as its primary goal. He said the stars and bars is “a symbol of Jesus Christ.” Yeah, probably. That guy loved enslaving black people. Which is why the valiant Christ bayonetted himself when Lee signed the surrender.

And, finally, last week, South Carolina had ANOTHER FUCKING SECESSION BALL, because those things are so successful with that particular brand of white people and there is no level of public scorn that will ever convince them to do otherwise, until that state blows itself up through its own stupidity.

It was the perfect cap to a banner year for secessionists. Change, Progress, Lean Forward, etc.

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105 comments

      1. LionelHutzEsq

        Don't forget Florida. Or South Carolina. Hell, is there really any of the old confederacy that could survive without hand outs from the North and West?

    1. WarAndGee

      Texas isn't mentioned in the US Constitution, the Declaration of Independence or the Bible so it probably shouldn't be allowed anyway.

  1. chascates

    YES! Become your own Republic and go from a slave to Federalist dictates to being a third world-type bastion of freedom, with broken infrastructure, no education to speak of, and the top 1% dictating what the other 99% of the people do in their serfdom.

    It would make Haiti look like Germany and Somalia look like Canada!

      1. chascates

        But Southerners won't do hard manual labor and would spend all their time waxing about the Glorious Lost Cause.

      2. finallyhappy

        I would never replace my Central American lawn service with lazy, stupid South Carolinians. I understand Spanish- but not that slurred crap they call English in the South.

  2. Texan_Bulldog

    Pretty damn sad when Mark "Appalachian Trail" Sanford is the smartest & least racist (he likey the brown women) thing to come out of SC.

    1. arihaya

      yep,, he is a proven non-Racist

      unlike many GOPers he didn't have any prejudice against Hispanic, as proven by his banging trip to Argentina

    2. Negropolis

      One of the very few silver linings of Republican wins across the country is Nikki Haley, who whatever her thoughts are on other issues, I can't imagine she'll be one for blatant race-baiting. Minority candidates have proven us wrong before, but I don't see Nikki at lavish slave balls.

      Please, please don't tell me I'm wrong about her. Please don't tell me she's a female Piyush Jindal.

      1. finallyhappy

        As we approach the 2012 election(I guess we already approached it given the people who say they are running already)- we will see what she says- or doesn't say.

      2. horsedreamer_1

        If she's not a racialist, I think we'll have to give her an appropriate nickname to demonstrate the rarity of her politics: Haley's Comet.

    3. Chet Kincaid

      Except Argentina is probably the whitest country in South America. 86% euro-descended, only 8% mestizo. And his paramour didn't exactly look like Rosario Dawson.

  3. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    I think we need to lay this whole neo-Confederacy trend on the doorstep of Ken Burns. You know how he sparked wild popularity for baseball and jazz. America had pretty much forgotten about all that stuff until he had to dredge it up all over again.

    1. Sophist FCD

      Ehhh, don't worry. He'll just do a 15 hour documentary about flagpole sitting or something and everyone will move on to the next fad.

  4. Zak44

    I like Rising Hegemon's idea: The Confeds get to celebrate secession, the rest of the Union gets to re-create Sherman's March (I'll bring the matches.)

    Might as well do Appomattox too, while we're at it.

        1. chascates

          The presents from Santa, I mean! My 15 college hours of English has vanished along with my ability to spot irony. Or perhaps its the Jim Beam.

  5. WABishop

    Jack, Jack, Jack, as an/the editor you don't have to actually write a year-in-review piece, you merely have to recycle material you wrote months ago. We're drinkers, most of us, or olds, we won't remember, honest. How did you get to where you are without having perfected the art of phoning it in?

  6. Neilist

    The BEST part of the Confederate Constitution?

    The VERY BEST part?

    I mean, the VERY VERY BESTEST part?

    The section that provided that the 13 (well, okay, 11) States joining the Confederacy could not withdraw from the same.

    Ever.

    Providing, once again, that Bat-Shit Crazy Hypocrisy is the Heart and Soul of This Great Nation!

    Play "Dixie," damn you! PLAY IT!

    Pvt. Neilist, CSA, ret.
    The Raccoon Roughs
    John Brown Gordon, Commanding
    6th Alabama Infantry

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Nationalism as contract law. "See, if the Constitution just said 'no seceding', we'd never have considered it. And if it just said 'Separation of church and state', well OF COURSE we'd support that".

  7. Neilist

    Well, and this part, too, of course:

    "No bill of attainder, ex post facto law, or law denying or impairing the right of property in negro slaves shall be passed."

    BUT REMEMBER: The Civil War had NOTHING to do with "slavery."

      1. Neilist

        Don't bother me with that, you Communist Pinko Liberal SKUM.

        Unless you have pictures of that "White Slavery," that is.

        Circa "Women In Chains." Or "Caged Heat." Or whatever.

          1. Neilist

            "Doctor," when used by chiropractors, is one of those things up with which I will not put.

            Even heavily armed chiropractors.

    1. glamourdammerung

      BUT REMEMBER: The Civil War had NOTHING to do with "slavery."

      And every single CSA "state" using it in their secession documents was merely a coincidence as well.

  8. Zak44

    I like Rising Hegemon's idea: The Confeds get to celebrate secession, the rest of the Union gets to re-create Sherman's March (I'll bring the matches.)

      1. natoslug

        That's sort of what I was thinking. America needs to become two coasts, with a vast, glassified wasteland separating said coasts. Sorry, DustBowlBlues and the rest of you stuck somewhere in the middle, but you're going to have to become martyrs for the cause. Then we can finally ignore the bullshit of the south and midwest and get down to important things like East Coast vs. West Coast rap. Or did we already solve that? Hell, is it even called rap anymore, or is everything hip-hop? I peaked in the mid-eighties, so I may be a bit behind the times. Get the fuck off my lawn, dammit!

          1. natoslug

            That, and all the music by the Artist Formerly Known As Prince Although He May Again Be Prince In Which Case He Is The Artist Known As Prince Again as you can fit on your iPod. Although skulking may be difficult in a glassy wasteland. Or a gassy wasteband.

        1. bflrtsplk

          Ít's called Slip Slop…? No wait. That's what they say after sex with a Palin offspring. How 'bout Bip Bop? Uh no, that's sort of that 40s thing and we don't want to trample on the dead. I'll keep working on it.

  9. Blendergoathead

    Since Mexicans weren't included in the Constitution as it was written by THE LORD, can we enslave them instead?

  10. chickensmack

    Jack, honey, I was born in Tennessee. I'm not likely to ever leave, after having lived here all these many years. Until there's a way for you to designate me an "ex-pat" while still living square in the middle of all this disturbing "blue-state-ry", just remember that there's some of us here who like many of the amenities that Tennessee offers — even if we're surrounded by armed Christian Republicans.

  11. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Jack, you did not include Rand Paul's belief, stated to Rachel Maddow, that the Civil Rights Act should not have applied to private businesses like, say, lunch counters.

    Okay, not technically secession, but halfway there.

    1. Sophist FCD

      Not so much secession as apartheid. Which I suppose is technically better, in the same sense that falling out of a 50th-floor window is better than falling out of a 51st floor window.

  12. Guppy06

    "until (South Carolina) blows itself up through its own stupidity. "

    See, there's the rub: you have to be stupid enough to have a nukular accident, but smart enough to know that faith-based cyclotrons just don't work.

  13. predilectrix

    Halfway through your lede, Jack, I braced myself for another "your mother and I are getting a divorce and I'm outta here, but don't worry, your new stepdaddy is on the way!" announcement. Thank babby jesus I was wrong.

    1. Sophist FCD

      Once he finishes eradicating guinea worms maybe we can get him to come back here and start working on confederate flag stickers and trucknutz. One epidemic at a time…

  14. slappypaddy

    complimentary sherman's neckties can be made available for all interested secessionists. clip-ons this time, attached with hot rivets.

  15. MaxUdargo

    I don't care what anybody says, Abraham Lincoln was the worst president ever.

    We fought a war – a fucking WAR? – to keep these people IN the Union? Didn't Lincoln get that backwards? Shouldn't we have been fighting a war to EXPEL these people from the Union?

    Can you imagine how wonderful things would be right now, if it weren't for that idiot Lincoln? All these people fucking up America would instead be illegal aliens sneaking across the Ohio River looking for jobs, their children benefiting from the generous DREAM act we passed 80 years ago.

    They never understood America, they never liked America, they wanted to leave America, so why didn't we let them leave? Lincoln didn't see any problem FORCING these people to stay in the Union?

    You say to me: But Max! What about the poor Negroes? We couldn't just leave them to their fate!

    I'm thinking the black people would have worked things out down there, maybe faster and more definitively than 100 years of civil rights activism. I don't have any clue what the FUCK a mint julep is, but I'm pretty sure eating and/or drinking them doesn't put a lot of steel on your bones. Neither does standing around on the porch in lacy tranny clothing wearing a big hat and watching other people work your fields. Grits maybe make you strong, I don't know. I don't know anything about grits except you can't cook them properly in less than 20 minutes, which I only know because it is impossible to continue clicking through channels when Marisa Tomei appears on the screen in adorable-girlfriend mode, but grits sounds like something that might give you some subcutaneous steel. Or maybe it's just the eye patch. And that's like a totally different movie anyway. Two movies. What was I talking about?

    Oh yeah, regardless, doing field work is always going to make you tougher than watching people do field work. And doing field work is always going to make you more resentful of people watching you do field work than the people watching you do field work feel toward the field workers being watched. Fuck I'm lost again already.

    Anyway, the brothers would have worked it out. Fuck Lincoln. Dumbass. Everything wrong with America is Abraham Lincoln's fault. Sometimes you just have to let go.

    1. LetUsBray

      I dunno; don't you think that an independent CSA would have joined the Axis in WWII? That could have caused some problems.

      1. MaxUdargo

        Don't taunt me with fantasy images of American B-25s carpet bombing Lubbock. Not today.

        Besides, I suspect by the 1940s that whole "working in some sissy-boy's field for no money while he watches me from the porch" thing would have been worked out and Arthur Mitchell would probably be president of the CSA and happy to join us in the fight against the Nazis.

        Or all the black people would have fled north, leaving the South full of people with only one skill: watching other people work while eating and/or drinking mint juleps and waiting for your grits to cook or bake or whatever and such people probably wouldn't be very good at building tanks or airplanes.

    2. Sophist FCD

      If you love half a continent, set it free. If it comes back to y…oh, shit, it's coming back! Quick, turn off the lights and pretend we're not home.

      Is it gone yet?

    3. HeraSentMe

      Some people down South wanted to remain Americans, and it would have been rude to leave them to the mercies of their treasonous, inbred, six-toed, slave-owning neighbors.

      Remember that if this comes up again.

    4. Negropolis

      I have one word for you: Haiti.

      The Southerners should be thanking the ghost of Lincoln he came down and liberated that land, black, white and otherwise from the unsustainable scourge that was slavery, because it was headed toward internecine genocide against one side or the other. You see, by the time the war hit, slavery was already on the downturn, and there was no way for them to keep their large and growing population and there was no way they'd have ever let them go outside the South for fear of revenge down the road.

      The North took a HUGE hit on the front end by "winning" the war, but they surely averted what would have been a catastrophe that'd have made the Civil War look, well, civil in comparison. So all of this revisionist bullshit you hear spouted by the Neo-Confederates is just that. All this stuff about the North sitting by licking its chops waiting to divide up the South and all of that is bullshit. The North didn't want this war, and they certainly didn't need the war in the short-term. They correctly calculated that they'd take the hit now, rather than take a bigger one down the road. Lincoln rightfully saw would kind of basketcase he'd have to deal with the CSA being on our Southern border, and how this secession dealy would always leave open the door for other states to think they too could get away with it.

      No, thank god for Lincoln for settling, for good, at least two big questions that had loomed over the nation since its founding. He did what the presidents before him had been too cowardly to do.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        While I agree with your sentiments, Lincoln did not and would not have chosen war if given the option of, say, gradual manumission or even compensated emancipation. Hell, he wasn't really popular with the abolitionist wing of the GOP (sorta like our current beloved leader's relationship with the far left). But the South, ala modern Fox News, worked itself into such a tizzy that he'd be turning all the Nat Turners of the their imaginations loose on the white women (and the creamier Lindsey Graham-esque men) that they forced the issue. And deluded themselves into thinking Southern valour, whatever the hell that is, would beat numerical and strategic advantages.

        1. Negropolis

          I kind of said as such. Lincoln was the last one to want war, and he wasn't some paragon of wisdom when it came to race, and I don't praise him for any of that. I praise him, because when it came down to making a decision, he made the right choice, something his predecessors couldn't bring themselves to do. Sometimes, the ends really do justify the means, and however Lincoln got there concerns me far less than the fact that he made the right decision at the right time.

          Lincoln was a man of his time. He didn't believe in racial equality anymore than anyone else at the time (save for a few really, really enlightened folks)

    5. Grizzlyalbert

      That's right.
      And Robert E. Lee was the COnfederacy's worst possible choice. With anyone else, the war would have ended years earlier.

  16. PsycWench

    Anyone remember in the early '90s when Vladimir Zhirinovsky was elected to the Russian something or the other and a lot of American panty-wadding ensued b/c he was rumored to be planning to reclaim Alaska?
    Why were we worried, exactly?

  17. Pragmatist2

    Can we skip the fighting part and just move to the part where we hang all their leaders as traitors? That's the best part.

  18. Negropolis

    Let me just put it out there that any black person that willfully attends one of these celebratory events in character should be, well…I don't even want to joke about it. Fie on them all, and their children, and children's children for debasing and disrespecting themselves in such a manner.

    1. Neilist

      You are such a RACIST.

      What if they attended as Nat Turner? Or Demark Vesey?

      Or better yet, as a member of the 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Regiment, United States Colored Infantry?

      "Col. Montgomery: That wouldn't have been necessary if that sesesh woman hadn't started it. They never learn. You see sesesh has to be cleared away by the hand of God like the Jews of old. Now I will have to burn this town."

      [Yeah, yeah, I know that was the 2nd South Carolina Volunteers. I just like the thought.]

  19. fuflans

    also, that picture is just gross.

    i would use the 'shameful part of american history' meme but that should be reserved for less gross things.

    like K Lo.

  20. Negropolis

    I can't get over this revisionism shit; this whole idea that it was the North that started this. The South had been pushing the envelope for decades before with the likes of their aggressive lobbying for Kansas and the rest. Texas fucking seceded so that they wouldn't have to obey the enlightened laws of fuckin' Mexico. The United States suffered these fools longer than they should have, if anything. Even when it was clear that the war was inevitable, Lincoln still tried every which way he could to figure a way with peace with them.

    You wanted it? You got it, Southerners.

    1. HeraSentMe

      I spent my first school years in the North, then my family moved South. It was like going through the looking glass. The Civil War became The War Between the States. Its causes changed from preserving the Union and ending slavery to states' rights and resisting Yankee invasion. Its aftermath – Reconstruction – was no longer a noble, if futile, attempt to integrate Southern society. It was a hideous foreign occupation, where ape-like freed slaves held sway and demonstrated why their kind shouldn't be allowed hold office, vote or live next door.

      It worked out OK, though. By tenth grade I learned never to believe anything somebody in authority told me without checking for myself. Some people never learn that.

  21. bflrtsplk

    We are at war with South Carolina. We have always been at war with South Carolina. Jack Stuef has always been Editor at Wonkette. Jack Stuef will always be Editor at Wonkette. Just so there are no misunderstandings.

  22. Oblios_Cap

    These are the same folks that think Bill Quantrill is an American folk hero.

    It is amazing that the North wanted the South to stay in the Union. Other than New Orleans, there wasn't much that they had that the North needed, especially before the invention of air conditioning.

  23. Bluestatelibel

    I really think a group of enterprising libruls should get together and commemorate Sherman's March. We could dress up as Union soldiers and march through Georgia, pretending to burn everything down whilst taunting all the crackers.

  24. cheaphits

    I would point out that there are people in abundance in the state where each of you live that feel the same as these folks in South Carolina. The U.S. is pretty much the same all over.

    Effects of civil wars reverberate for hundreds of years. The Ghost of Christmas Future may lay in results of the wars in Korea, Viet Nam, Iraq and Afghanistan "Winning" a war does not end the war. Only killing and enslaving the other side sometimes does that.

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