Obama Calls Philadelphia Eagles To Congratulate Them On Dog-Fighter

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Peter King of NBC reported during Football Night in America that President Barack Obama recently called Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie to congratulate the team for giving quarterback Mike Vick a second chance.

President Obama explained that a level playing field rarely exists for prisoners who have completed their sentences. Vick’s success gives all of them hope.

Someone sent us a link to a story saying Vick is a “serial dog murderer” and that “some reprehensible scumbags don’t deserve a second chance.” Interesting how some people (not necessarily you, Wonketteer) couldn’t give a shit about renowned sporting men, say, murdering black people, but suddenly everything changes when we are talking about fucking pets. And then those same people finish their argument by biting into a juicy burger.

President Obama is right. People who have paid their debt to society should get a level playing field. And that field is a pro football field, where ex-cons get paid millions of dollars to play a children’s game 16 days a year.

(Your editor would like to publicly thank this inspiring quarterback for leading his fantasy football team, Tebow’s BenchStars, out of early-season difficulties and into the championship game of his league. But no, he’s not going to call the Eagles to congratulate them on taking a flyer on a player every other team stupidly wouldn’t touch out of fear of the potential pet-related moral outrage of their fans.) [NBC Sports]

 
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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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85 comments

  1. jim89048

    If OJ Simpson had stuck with killing dogs instead of his ex-wife and her paramour, maybe he'd still be playing football or selling Hertz rent-a-cars or whatever, instead of rotting in a prison cell in Carson City.

  2. SorosBot

    Hey, killing dogs is a real serious crime, one that can never be forgiven even after someone has served his time; it's not something fans can just ignore, like say being a serial rapist who has managed to avoid even being charged, much less convicted.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I like to think of the drunken fan who wandered into the Coffee Bean (after-hours) in Zack & Miri Make a Porno as the typical Steelers fan. Might just be me, though.

      BIG BEN… FUCKIN', CHUCKIN' FOOBAW.

      1. SorosBot

        I guess there is some shade of difference between the two quarterbacks that colors fans' disparate reactions to them, but I can't wrap the skin of my fingers around it.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Well, let's imagine the situation reversed: Roethlisberger was running the dog-fighting ring, & Vick was taking advantage of not-legal-drinking-age drunken (white) coeds. Vick would still be the devil, & Big Ben… well, Big Ben would just be guilty of the circumstance in which he grew up (single-parent home in RILLMURICA).

        2. SecretMuslin

          I think they're both total assholes, frankly. And neither should be rewarded with adulation and millions of dollars.

        3. LetUsBray

          From out in the corner of the country where the consensus is that the woman Kobe Bryant allegedly raped was really just a gold-digging, sexually predatory nut job, I can attest that it's not JUST that. There's clearly some ol'-fashioned misogyny in the equation, too.

        4. DataSnake

          Here are some other explanations, that all have the advantage of not being the sort of thing the teabag brigade can point to as evidence that "librulz always play the race card!!1!":
          1. There is no doubt in anyone's mind that Vick committed the crimes he was accused of committing. By contrast, there isn't enough evidence to be sure ANYONE committed the crimes of which Roethlisberger has been accused.
          2. Torturing animals is one of the classic hallmarks of a serial killer in the making.
          3. Even IF we assume that the charges against Roethlisberger in Georgia are true (the other case is someone suing for over 400 grand while neglecting to file criminal charges, all over an event an eyewitness recalls her bragging about), he was drunk and it was one time. Vick deliberately, systematically tortured puppies to death for fun. Comparing the two would be like saying that Ted Kennedy leaving that girl to drown in Chappaquiddick makes him as bad as Ted Bundy.
          4. The President did not call the Steelers to congratulate them on keeping Roethlisberger around.

          1. SorosBot

            Uh, misplaced priorities much? Yes, comparing the two would be like saying that Ted Kennedy is as bad as Ted Bundy, because Roethlessberger's crime is much, much worse than Vick's. As bad as Vick's actions were, his victims were dogs, not human beings. Really, it shows how bad society is with rape apology that someone could actually claim rape is a lesser crime than dogfighting. Oh, but then his victims were just women, not real people. And then there's the usual "those women are just gold-digging sluts" victim blaming bullshit.

          2. DataSnake

            First off, my point was that one act committed while drunk is just not the same as a premeditated pattern of sadistic behavior, not that dogfighting is worse than rape. Second, "victim blaming bullshit?" Let's look at some facts:

            1. In one of the cases, the woman has filed a massive civil suit and no criminal charges, indicating that she is more interested in getting a big payday than in sending him to prison, which is more probable if she is out for cash than if she had a legitimate grievance against him.
            2. She had previously been bragging about the encounter to her friends. How many rape victims do that?

            From the above it is clear that the Georgia case is the only one with any merit. That isn't blaming the victim, because simple logic indicates that the woman in question WASN'T the victim at all.

          3. LocalGirlMakesGoo

            Exactly. If someone legitimately rapes you, you don't wait a year and then file a "cash-and-prizes!" civil suit.

  3. Barbara_i

    Mike Vick is a horrible person. I was hoping that when he got injured last month that one of the trainers would hang or electrocute him the same way that he did to his dogs. I lived outside of Philadelphia for 25 years. Hell, I am wearing an eagles hoodie right now. I won't watch them or root for them anymore. I will, however, do some laundry now so that I can take this fucking sweatshirt off. That is as soon as my husband calls to tell me if the washer is the swooshy wet one or the hot and blowy machine.

    1. chickensmack

      my kids had a conniption last year when I announced my intention to install a clothesline outside. This, of course, in contrast to their use of kitchen furniture as a dryer.

      1. Barbara_i

        My treadmill dries sweaters in a very nice way. Why not? It's not being used for anything else?
        Sheets hung up to dry outside make my heart smile.

    1. chickensmack

      That does it; I'm taking a week off to create a canonical compendium list of all Sarah's nicknames.

  4. LionelHutzEsq

    Hey, at least Vick didn't harm any cute animals, like seals. Then there would be no forgiveness.

    1. SecretMuslin

      Amen. I'm the one that sent Jack the note that called Vick a reprehensible scumbag. And I stand by it. Just because the NFL is chock full of reprehensible scumbags does not make Vick a better human being.

      And for the record I don't eat cheeseburgers, Jack.

      1. V572625694

        I"m with you. Killing domesticated animals to eat them has social costs, moral costs, whatever you want to call the karma of killing another living thing. Torturing animals (chickens, cattle, dogs) to death to entertain humans is monstrous, and dehumanizes everyone associated with it. The worst of those fighting dogs was a better creature than Vick will ever be.

        [deep breath]

        1. Sue4466

          I agree with both you and SecretMuslin. Vick is a reprehensible scumbag. That the NFL is full of scumbags does not make Vick any better. And condemning him for what he's done does not drain me of my condemnation for what other players–in the NFL, NBA, baseball, college sports, etc.–have gotten away with. Our society elevates sports players to some status that excuses any and all reprehensible behavior so long as they play ball well enough. Fuck that. And, BTW, I think Roman Polanski should be in jail. And Bush and Cheney should be tried for war crimes.

          Honestly, the stupidity of the comment that condemning Vick somehow means letting everyone else off the hook is fucking astounding, esp. coming from Wonkette.

          And, for the record: even if you don't give a fuck about the dogs he killed and tortured, you should consider that type of behavior is often the first step in similarly cruel behavior towards human beings. Vick didn't "just" fight dogs. He created new and barbarous ways to kill them when they lost. He electrocuted them to death. He drown them. He wasn't just killing them to cull the losers (as disgusting as that is) he was being fucking creative about it either because he was that angry or he's that sick of a fuck or likely both. That mentality should scare anyone away from him.

          But, yes, convicts should get second chances. But those second chances don't have to include multimillion dollar sports contracts or calls from POTUS. Obama should be saving those calls for the ex cons who take less glamorous jobs, those who have to do shit jobs for crap wages with no one wearing their jerseys. Because those are the folks to inspire.

          I don't eat cheeseburgers either.

  5. LionelHutzEsq

    And, Jack, to your point, if OJ was still pounding out touch downs, no one would care who he killed (well, other than she was white and he was black, but you know what I mean). Let this be a lesson to you all. If you are going to murder, rape or do any other crime, do it while you are still capable of leading your team to victory. If you can put up plenty of points, no one really cares.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Michael Vick has done his time and expressed remorse for what he did — but I'm still a little queasy about him wanting a dog. Just to be on the safe side, I say we give him Alberto Gonzales or Scooter Libby, and if he does alright with that, he can have one — under supervision.

    1. Barbara_i

      Yeah, let him have Scooter Libby first and see if the new dog earned learns to scoot his ass across the carpet from Mr Libby.

    2. GOPCrusher

      I too believe that Vick's been rehabilitated, so let him live his life.
      But the idea of Alberto Gonzalez chained to a truck axle in the back yard makes me smile.

  7. charlesdegoal

    The playing field may be level but it's covered with snow right now, if I'm not mistaken. Go Vikings, if the game ever tales place.

    1. SayItWithWookies

      Yeah, what the hell with Sissydelphia yesterday? They deserve to have their reputation as a bunch of tough-ass blue-collar no-shitters taken away from them. Or maybe their NFL franchise. There are plenty of cities in the US that would love to host a football team — Cincinnati, for instance.

  8. HateMachine

    For srs, the "level playing field" for ex-cons remark is well made, because jayzus fuck most of the time criminal convictions limit future career options to "more crimes", and employers almost never take chances on ex-cons.

    Were the Eagles really taking a chance by hiring an ex-con who happened to be really, really good at throwing an irregularly-shaped ball past large men at other, more distant men? Probably not.

    But it's the closest high-profile thing to this sort of redemption story that's available. Except, of course, for Abramoff and the kosher pizzeria, which will probably get a call from Barry shortly.

    1. Billmatic

      actually he wasn't really, really good at throwing a ball. He was really really fast. He learned to throw the ball better in his time away from the game and on the bench.

      it's weird how you people call yourselves liberals but you're throwing crap all over this guy. I thought we were the political lean that gave people second chances instead of executing them.

      1. HateMachine

        Yeah, that was effete librul code for "the fuck if I know what I'm talking about, football-wise. He's one of those 'quarter-backs' right?"

  9. chickensmack

    I just want to know that Vick's running game was improved in prison because of his aversion to unsolicited ass sex.

  10. Bluestatelibel

    Vick is a low-life dog torturer, not just a dog murderer. I'm glad Hopey is OK with the torturing shit, though, it really settles it in my mind that he's just Bush Lite.

  11. Billmatic

    full disclosure: Michael Vick won me a fantasy football championship also but here's the big thing: I'd be in his corner anyway. The talons of the ghetto reach out and try to pull guys like Vick back into their dead-end lifestyle. He served time, he nearly lost everything and was completely railroaded in the court of public opinion. I think his obvious dedication in *learning how to play his position* (which I'm sure a lot of the critics don't even understand) shows that he has matured by leaps and bounds from that arrogant son-of-a-bitch telling us that "All around the world people love Michael Vick," as the feds were closing in around his dogfighting ring.

    I'd also like to mention that the dogs Vick and his pals killed would have been killed by the state if they were seized. In fact, the state did kill a bunch of his dogs when he got caught.

    1. SheriffRoscoe

      "I'd also like to mention that the dogs Vick and his pals killed would have been killed by the state if they were seized. In fact, the state did kill a bunch of his dogs when he got caught."

      Yeah, but the state doesn't kill dogs by throwing them down onto concrete, breaking their backs. I'm not sure if you were being snarky, but that seemed like a doofus thing to say.

      1. ttommyunger

        Torturing animals is just too provenly indicative of serious psychosis. It needs to be treated, not excused or justified.

      2. Sue4466

        That, and it's not actually true that the dogs were killed. Vick's dogs ended up in rescues, at places like BadRap, Best Friends Animal Sanctuary, and others. The dogs were rehabilitated, have become pets, therapy dogs. In fact, that these dogs were able to be rehabilitated is one of the few bright spots in this horrible story: the dogs proved that municipalities are wrong in automatically killing Pit Bulls or dogs used in fighting. They helped demonstrate the the dogs can be successfully rehabbed.
        http://www.parade.com/news/2010/08/15-vicks-dogs…. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1209763/

  12. SecretMuslin

    I work for a national pet products company, and we work closely with animal rescue groups across the country. I have 3 rescued dogs and foster bruised and abandoned and confiscated pit bulls to help them become more normal and hopefully go to loving homes. There are so many pit bulls in this country that are abandoned and horribly mutilated, that there are not enough people like me to take them all in. Until you've seen a pit bull puppy that has been doused in hydrochloric acid to make it "mean" you can get off your high horse and quit defending the monsters that do this shit.

    Vick, like it or not, is a role model. And he got away with his crime pretty fucking easily if you ask me. Compassionate people should be outraged by this – and the president shouldn't be congratulating the team for taking this worthless shit on.

    1. Billmatic

      Here's the thing, nobody here that is arguing against this "shithead monster" or whatever is using any sort of logic. They are completely basing everything on "personal experience" and emotuion. It's like when people are horrified and cry over a dog getting shot in a movie but the 17 dudes that died leading up to it? Who gives a shit. I remember there was a flick called Apt Pupil where Ian McKlellan was running around murdering people but the theatre was *horrified* when he put a cat in the oven. Really, really, *really*??

      I am compassionate, to dogs AND people. What goddamn sense does it make to crucify this guy? How am I not compassionate in saying, "This man deserves a second chance and by god he's making good on it"?

      There's such an ugly double standard at work here, especially coming from people who claim to be on the left. And as always, it's the sanctimonious ones that are making everyone look like a pack of hypocrites. You bash my state for murdering people on death row (which we do, constantly and it upsets me greatly) but when it really comes down to it, you don't have any more forgiveness in your heart than the Texas Court.

      1. SecretMuslin

        Obviously this is an emotional issue – as it should be when we're talking about cruelty on this scale. Vick is repulsive, but that aside, the president SHOULD NOT be giving credibility to someone who did what he did by calling his employers to congratulate them. Did he call the Vatican to congratulate them on giving all the pedophiles a second chance? Should he?

        1. Billmatic

          Nah this isn't really about the Prez givin ole Vick a call (that is some ole bullshit, see WritelyWriterton's excellent point below), it's about people being sanctimonious jerks and saying, on a liberal blog, that he should be electrocuted and murdered like the dogs that he killed. Or even still, that there is never a point where he should be forgiven, even if he opens Michael Vicks Home For Orphaned Pets and becomes a vegan and spokesperson for PETA. Wait, scratch that last one out.

          People can change, they can redeem themselves and to think otherwise is to be very cynical indeed.

          I also love Ron Artest so I might just be absolutely insane.

          1. SecretMuslin

            See, I never said Vick should be electrocuted like his dogs. Check out all of my comments in this thread. I just don't think he deserves to be a millionaire athlete and role model. And it disappoints me that our president would give him any additional credibility. There are some crimes that don't deserve to whitewashed. Torturing animals is one of those.

    2. MiniMencken

      Vick should be given a second chance, in a job and at a pay scale commensurate with his abilities off the playing field.

    3. undeadgoat

      I'm not sure I want to live in your alternate universe, where people actually give a shit about the pasts of athletes and other entertainers, it sounds much more fun than caring about the plots of television shows and the outcomes of games.

  13. WriteyWriterton

    The BHO/Michael Vick story just confuses the H-E-2xHockey-Sticks out of me. I get all the anger from the haters of pet abuse (I'm a once-and-current owner of a dog and six cats), and I get all the anger from the up-from-the-ghetto-mentality defenders of Vick, but why does Barry have to get in this business?

    I'd prefer if Our Favorite Muslin spent that 15 minutes telling Bibi Netanyahu to unclench his gluteus cheeks so he could remove his head from between them. OTOH, that would have been worse than wasted time.

      1. snoopyfan2010

        I get that part but what I don't get is why people are so against giving someone a chance to prove that they have changed. He can learn from his mistakes and become an advocate for groups like the SPCA but if we don't give him a chance, we won't know.

        1. ttommyunger

          Animal torture is not a mistake. He was not an impressionable youth. It was not an isolated incident. Worst of all, it is proven that this practice is indicative of severe underlying psychosis. I'm only saying that a prison sentence is no palliative in this case. He needs therapy and he needs supervision by qualified professionals. He is intelligent, talented, telegenic and articulate (O.J.?). This makes us want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I will do that gladly, but would feel better about his future if the foregoing precautions were put in place.

          1. snoopyfan2010

            I see your point. Maybe he should be required to get theraphy. It is just funny to see so many Wonkette comments sound like Tucker Carlson's.

  14. iburl

    All hail the national religion of football. All shall marvel at the redemptive power of being able to run out of the pocket. All bow before the glory of light beer, hot wings and traumatic head injuries. Football shall washith away all sins and all dog blood. Thank god our nation is at peace and our president has time to call NFL owners for hiring dog-murdering scum fucks.

  15. Cat_Damon

    The 'Skins fan in me wants both the Eagles and the Giants to lose to whomever they play in their first games in the playoffs, but I'm secretly rooting for Mike Vick to get to the Super Bowl (and lose to the Patriots). The last pet I remember having – my grandparents' dog – was run over by a car when I was 4 or 5. I like dogs, but can't say I'm crazy about them. I don't pretend to understand the extent to which these dogs were cruelly treated. But abstractly speaking, Vick served his sentence, and deserves the chance he's getting to get as close as he can to a normal life. I think I would say the same thing if his profession were an NFL player, a janitor, or anything else.

  16. Negropolis

    A few things…

    - Ray Lewis, human murderer extraodinaire, is doing Old Spice commercials at this very moment in time and is more popular than ever before. Color me shock-and-awed.

    - I largely agree with Jack on this one. Vick spent actual time in prison, where comparable athletes who've done equally nasty things if not even worse things haven't spent a day in prison after going through the American justice system. It shows money can only buy you out of so much, and what is and isn't an unforgivable sin in most people's eyes.

    - I call TOTAL and UTTER bullshit on Obama's take on this, and I'm disappointed in him. The ONLY reason Vick has been redeemeed is because he can thrown a ball really far and accurately and can run with it like no one's business. He doesn't give one damned average any hope whatsoever of a seamsless transistion back into society because those people are still shit upon and treated as pariah every fucking day of the year, and this administration has continued as violently as any other its immoral war on drugs with its harsh sentences. I want that bastard to come to my community where his DEA continues the same as ever arresting medical marijuana patients and growers. Unless your average prisoner can run a 40 in under 4.5 and score a 30 on the Wonderlic, Vic ain't a hope to any prisoner but incarcerated millionaire sports stars of which there is ever only a few at any given time.

    Go piss on someone else's leg and tell them it's raining, Mr. President, but I'll be damned if you do it on mine.

    [/rant]

  17. ttommyunger

    Worth repeating: torturing animals is proven to be a characteristic of deep psychosis. Vick was not a youngster when he did those acts, and they were not an isolated incident. He is a seriously sick fuck and needs treatment. We will hear more from him in the future, I'm sure, and I'm not talking football.

  18. lestro

    wow. look at all the people who don't believe in the criminal justice system, in rehabilitation or in second chances.
    amazing.
    i am no fan of dogfighting. i think it's terrible and wrong.
    of course, if i was raised to think that this is just what people did, then maybe i'd be OK with it as well. i mean, i personally think that watching a bunch of redneck morons turn left for three hours is a tremendous waste of time, but sure enough, the south loves NASCAR because it grew out of their culture of booze-running through the 'dry' counties still set up all over the former confederacy.

    my culture thinks that car racing is a waste of time. my culture also thinks that dogs are pets but cows are food (and ask a Hindu about their view on that for a new perspective on animal cruelty…). there are many cultures in the US that disagree. that's kind of what makes this a great place to live.

    but the larger point is that if we think that people can be rehabbed then we have to allow them to prove they are rehabbed and i applaud the Eagles (to be fair, i am an Eagles fan) for giving Mike Vick the opportunity to show that he served his time and now realizes what he did was wrong.

    or we just accept that anyone who commits any crime anywhere anytime is a criminal Forever and should never be let out.

    whether he is a "sick fuck" or not i think is kind of irrelevant. he served his time. he has a right to work. i think the president's call to Jeff Lurie was more about that than the actual crime itself.

  19. Negropolis

    Let this be a lesson to you future sports stars. If you are to get caught in any violent scandal, stab a man at a bar for looking at you funny, shoot a guy at a club for nothing, serial rape your way across this great land, drive drunk and run over group of orphans on a fieldtrip, but don't you dare ever turn another animal loose against another of its own kind. Well, except chickens; we'll forgive you for that. But don't you ever fight what we deem as historically and socially attractive animals, you heartless fuckers.

    Meanwhile, a couple million Chinese families are sitting down to a dinner of farm-raised roasted dog, tonight. No, seriously.

    Give me a fuckin' break every last one you.

    1. XOhioan

      "But don't you ever fight what we deem as historically and socially attractive animals"

      We anthropomorphize dogs: point taken. It's still shocking and revolting to behold a privileged public figure indulging in this kind of cruelty. Note that Vick did not get life in prison or the death penalty, as he would if he had tortured and killed human beings. Note also that he can now resume his lucrative career. Sounds pretty sweet to me.

      1. Negropolis

        Yeah, because sports stars get life in prison and executed all of the time for killing humans. And, no, no human should ever face life in prison or execution for killing an animal.

        We have a very sick society, one sick all the way around the edges, apparently. I've never liked Vick, before or after this specific part of his life, but this conflation of human lives with animal ones is sick. You guys are some tribalized, sorry-assed, misanthropic poseurs, is what you are.

  20. undeadgoat

    Human beings have used cruelty of all sorts as entertainment throughout all of time and space. Unlike myself, most commenters here, and the President, Michael Vick was not raised by middle-class white people who lived in one of the EXTREMELY rare human cultures (taking time as a variable) that consider unwitting violence of this sort as "beyond the pale."

Comments are closed.