Mele Kamohoali'i

Obamas Worship Shark God In Hawaiian ‘Church’

She's gone with the Hula Hula boys, she don't care about me ...While you were trying to pry off your frozen Depends in the backseat of the 1987 Plymouth K-Car you call home, fancy Afro-Hawaiian Barack Obama and his family of vegetable-grazing elitists were worshiping the Hawaiian Shark God at the heretical abomination known as “Christmas in Hawaii.”

Look at these people, in their board shorts and aloha shirts, sipping “communion Mai Tais” from the ceremonial skull of a lu ow pig. How is this even Christmas? Did the Baby Lord Jesus kick back on the sand while a sultry breeze warmed his tiny holy testicles? Yes he did, because the Baby Lord Jesus was born in the desert in springtime, ha ha ha, if there ever was a Jesus. One thing we know about for sure, however, is that the Shark God is real and true and we must sacrifice one Australian to this One Real God every year or so, to keep the Earth from being fed to the Sun. [Twitpic because the White House has abandoned Flickr?]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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105 comments

          1. horsedreamer_1

            Sorry 'bout that. Sometimes I slip into what I call "tard-speak" (though, in fact, it is patterned on the speech of former Atlanta Brave Gerald Williams (I have always assumed, for that, that the mid-thirties caucasians who pioneered 'tard-speak', back when they were in college, did so from at least a residual racism (though I would never call them racists, since they would vociferously reject that notion)) when it would not be apparent to the audience that such is what I am doing. Mostly, then, I use it to say "the obvious" &/or the obvious. &, indeed, Barack Obama is a white male in mom jeans.

  1. Oblios_Cap

    the Shark God is real and true and we must sacrifice one Australian to this One Real God every year or so, to keep the Earth from being fed to the Sun

    So that's what really happened to Steve Irwin!

    1. Numbat_Dundee

      Please, please Shark God, take Tony Abbott this year! Take him when he's prancing about on the beach in his budgie smugglers. A grateful nation will then gladly surrender someone useful and attractive each hot yuletide.

      1. Negropolis

        That Tony Abbott looks like an unevolved ape about the face. He just looks creepy in every possible way. Oh, and your prime minister looks like a advertisement for the Botox. I've never seen a genuine smile from the woman.

  2. SexySmurf

    Did the Baby Lord Jesus kick back on the sand while a sultry breeze warmed his tiny holy testicles? Yes he did, because the Baby Lord Jesus was born in the desert in springtime, ha ha ha, if there ever was a Jesus.

    Jesus could clear all this up if only he would just release the long-form.

    1. gef05

      They're singing the "YEAH!" which follows

      "Living just for dying
      Dying just for you"

      Only Malia is really nailing it, though.

      Edit: Oh my. Down votes! Someone hates Black Sabbath.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      Muslins gathered in their masses
      Just like witches at black masses
      Evil minds that plot destruction
      Sorcerers of death's construction
      In the fields bodies burning
      As the War on Christmas machine keeps turning
      Death & hatred to mankind
      Poisoning their brainwashed minds
      Oh, Lord, yeah!

  3. chickensmack

    This is a massive setback, if you think about all the scienc-ey stuff he was doing. White House star party, appearance on Mythbusters — I really thought we were looking at the first agnostic President!

    *sigh*

    Now he's just another Sarah Palin. He might as well just say "Hellelujah" and get saved or something.

  4. donner_froh

    Malia wearing charcoal gray and pink accessorized with pearls. Already showing great fashion sense that will serve her well during her much hoped for steady rise of world domination.

    Malia Anne Obama for World Controller, 2040!

    1. BeWoot

      I'm concerned about her posture, though. Even the daughters of muslin negro kenyan bolsheviks should stand up and be proud.

      1. Rarian Rakista

        They are in some tea bagger's basement, he has the children all greased up and he is making the parents watch, Disney cartoons blare from an old 20" TV and it smells of caked urine, feces and jolly ranchers.

  5. charlesdegoal

    Does the Shark God demand that Julian Assange be sacrificed or would he be OK with, like, Olivia Newton-John?

        1. gef05

          The knife… in my back… must withdraw.

          Actually, the jokes used to hurt. But now that Aussies have a much higher standard of living than the English, it's all gotten a bit embarrassing. Imagine if the US had once owned Canada, how an American would now feel.

          Oh, that's low.

          1. charlesdegoal

            ONJ was admittedly born in England but her father was Welsh father and her mother Jewish, and she was raised in Australia and probably has an Oz passport, or perhaps a US one by now. The Shark God doesn't know the difference, or doesn't care.

          2. Numbat_Dundee

            At least Bon came here young enough to develop and Aussie accent, as did Mel Gibson before he reverted to the original Yank accent he had before hecamne to Australia as an 8 year old. Beware Americans arguing that all these people aren't Australian – you''ll have to claim Mel as your own work entirely.

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      Doesn't Australian citizenship come down to whether or not your father was a rapist? Or has Flight of the Conchords led me astray again?

    2. Numbat_Dundee

      They could take Nicole Kidman who's an Australian born in Hawaii and is past her used by date. But as mentioned above, the vote of the nation would be for Tony Abbott in his budgie smugglers (google image that at your peril).

  6. LionelHutzEsq

    What a diverse congregation. Interesting that they make the black people all stand to one side. Is this a Southern Baptist or Mormon service?

  7. BarackMyWorld

    Pffft. Friggin' half breed muslin president can't be bothered to wear nice clothes to God's house? What's the world coming to?

    1. Over_Ed

      Muslin? I don't cotton to that there buddy. I believe you're makin that up outta whole cloth and your bound to get a lotta flax for it.

    1. user-of-owls

      Oh no, nothing like that. Our friend Zvi was telling us that the Obamas are part of a cargo cult.

      1. chickensmack

        Oh! Sort of a "Barack bring magic fire stick and breathe smoke like dragon!" kind of deal, right?

        If that's the case, he needs to bring that shit stateside stat, because Americans are so woefully under-scienced, they'll buy into it like he's the new Uri Geller or John Edward.

  8. Crank_Tango

    I, for one, cannot believe they allowed the muslins to build a mosque at pearl harbor, the ground zero of the 20th century.

  9. mavenmaven

    Any celebration without representations of snow is an attack on Christmas. Because we know that the Middle East is hit by snow blizzards all winter long, and Jesus was born covered in snow (and frankincense).

  10. V572625694

    They have this thing in Hawaii called a "luau." Interesting to Google it, Ken. It doesn't hurt a bit, even for Lu.

  11. NorthStarSpanx

    Lordy lordy, I knew I was stuck in the HellSouth for xmas when my father-in-law went all Sarah Palin on me and literally yelled that that goddamn vegetable-grazing elitist First Lady better keep her mouth shut on whether or not we well-off, white conservative families should eat dessert.

    Did he have such a visceral reaction to Nancy Reagan's "Just say No" campaign?

      1. Negropolis

        No hippy would ever get so mad so as to shit a brick or anything else for that matter. I call bullshit.

        1. Rarian Rakista

          They went to NORML meetings at the local library for years, I remember smoking cigarettes with the other kids in the adjacent sculpture garden waiting for them to come out.

  12. horsedreamer_1

    It puts the lie in the coconut…

    Wait! I solved it. Barack's real, long-form birth certificate is in a coconut.

    Wing-tards, start climbling those trees!

  13. Naked_Bunny

    It's not really a Christmas church service if there aren't a thousand pounds of winter jackets strewn over the backs of the pews.

    1. tiger_tree

      It's not really a Christmas church service if the average pressure on the pews isn't a thousand pounds … per square inch.

  14. XOhioan

    They mentioned the Shark God–Kwanzaa is his name, right?—in this extraordinarily bitchy piece from AP: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/arti

    "Though Obama speaks frequently about his Christian faith, his family rarely attends church services in Washington."

    By MARK NIESSE (Whiny Twat)
    The Associated Press
    Sunday, December 26, 2010; 10:00 PM

    1. chascates

      Ronald Reagan, who defeated a Southern Baptist President who taught Sunday school, never went to church. He claimed it would create too much commotion but when asked if he had been born again replied he thought so but couldn't remember when it happened and wasn't sure what Protestant church he belonged to.

      Nancy was believed to be agnostic but famously was interested in astrology.

  15. WriteyWriterton

    "While you were trying to pry off your frozen Depends in the backseat of the 1987 Plymouth K-Car you call home…"

    Oh, Ken. That made my day/week/month/decade. For that, you can whinge about TSA grope-fests for-evah, and I'll not look away.

  16. Neilist

    Which of the daughters is going to grow up to be the Evil Black Ex-Wife of President Palmer in the second season of "24"?

    [Which I am just getting around to watching on Netflix, via my laptop.

    Neilist's 18" Sony had a little disagreement with Mr. Model 1911A1 back before law school. Television, cable or broadcast, has never been the same.]

    Neilist
    Norman Lincoln Rockwell Endowed Chair of Race Relations
    University of Wonkette

    1. Over_Ed

      Oh Oh – don't spoil it for me. I saw every episode of season 2 EXCEPT for the finale. I swear, one of these years I want to watch that so don't come back here and tell us how it ends.

      please

      1. Neilist

        You're asking that ASSHOLE Neilist NOT to be a complete . . .well . . . ASSHOLE?

        (Fucking guy can't even get GEORGE Lincoln Rockwell's name right.)

        The ending: Kiefer Sutherland DIES . . . of BAD ACTING.

        [God. I am SUCH an . . . ASSHOLE.]

        1. Neilist

          I know I'm replying to my own post, and that this is off topic. But it's too good not to share:

          [From Wikipedia entry for George Lincoln Rockwell]:

          Hatenanny Records and the Hate Bus

          In the 1960s, Rockwell attempted to draw attention to his cause by starting a small record label, named Hatenanny Records (the name was based on the word "hootenanny", a term given to folk music performances). The label released several 45 RPM singles, including recordings by a group credited as Odis Cochran and the Three Bigots, and were sold mostly through mail order. A truncated version of one of the band's recordings, "Ship Those Niggers Back" appears in the documentary The California Reich. When the Freedom Riders drove their campaign to desegregate bus stations in the deep South, Rockwell secured a Volkswagen van and decorated it with swastikas and white supremacist slogans, dubbing it the "Hate Bus" and personally driving it to speaking engagements and party rallies.

          "Hatenanny Records."

          Okay, "reality" has beaten me once again. Even I can't top that one.

          Neilist von Neilist
          Packing Up His Lederhosen And Filing Away His Lyrics To The Horst Wessel Lied

  17. ChessieNefercat

    I've been in that chapel! Many (well, 20-ish) years ago, my ex was stationed at KMCAS. The kids and I attended mass in the base chapel. They put up a huge crucificix for the Catholic mass (us), and swapped it out for a huge plain cross for the non-denominational protestant service.

    Why, I was this: ll close to meeting the prez and his lovely family! And my younger son has a birth certificate that looks just like President Obama's. His is acceptable, however, due to the color of his skin.

  18. voodooeconomics

    That mooslim ritual seems like fun… They could be singing and dancing for crying out loud.
    A Republican president would have gone to the bankrupt Chrystal Cathedral Of The Republican Lord in California and pray really hard for 2 hours.

  19. Negropolis

    Speaking of Hawaii and black politicians, the late Coleman A. young, Dictator of Detroit from 1974 to 1993, onced opened with an "Aloha, motherfuckers!" to Detroit journalists on a closed-circuit television appearance. I miss the old bastard. This was a time when big city machine mayors were corrupt, but colorfully so.

    Here are some other quotes by the great Coleman Young:

    "I'm smiling all the time. That doesn't mean a goddamned thing except I think people who go around solemn-faced and quoting the Bible are full of shit."

    And my personal favorite:

    "Swearing is an art form. You can express yourself much more exactly, much more succinctly, with properly used curse words."

    Amen to that. That like the motto of The Wonkette.

  20. ttommyunger

    Counting down to the moment when Glenn Beck breathlessly and tearfully accuses the President of checking out his daughter's pubescent cleavage.

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