Add to Flipboard Magazine.

'FREE GOVERNMENT MONEY!'Julian Assange is still standing in the snow outside of his mansion-prison in the land of animal-blood-eaters, talking to fellow journalists (and all the kids watching at home!) about the dangers of condom use when having sex with a sleeping woman. And also Latin American wiretapping, if they have time. He is still wearing that green jacket that you get when you win The Masters of being accused of rape by Swedish openness fangirls. And he has news for all of us: He got a book deal! And also one of those ladies he did the sex to took a picture of him lying naked on her bed, supposedly to sext to her friends and whatever the international news and/or politics version of Deadspin is (us?).

The dick photo has yet to wiki-leak to the Internet (TIPS@WONKETTE.COM! SO WE CAN VOMIT!), so we don’t know if the disgusting coarse half-shaved white carpet matches the blond-highlighted disgusting drapes (WHOOPS! WE JUST DID VOMIT!). But we do know this:

When she asked him if he was wearing anything, he had allegedly said: “I am wearing you.”

The Battle of the Sexes is over! This guy won it! Thanks, bro.

Oh, meanwhile, that book deal, the one worth $1.3 million because of all the gossipy sex stuff:

“I don’t want to write this book, but I have to,” he told the Sunday Times. “I have already spent £200,000 for legal costs and I need to defend myself and to keep WikiLeaks afloat.”

Oh, he has to write this book. He has to cash in on/bolster his celebrity status. Doesn’t he know Real Journalists are supposed to like writing books? Even Dana Milbank has written a few books, and he works for the Washington Post, so he must be a journalist. [ABC News/The Australian]

Add to Flipboard Magazine.
  • Buzz Feedback

    Is he wearing orange Crocs in the pic?

  • WikiDickie?

    • Oblios_Cap

      It probably glows in the dark and he waves it around like a light saber!

    • "DickieLeaks" was already claimed by John McCain.

      • Negropolis

        But, alas, "WikiDicks" is still very much unclaimed.

    • charlesdegoal

      WeenieLeaks

      • OC_Surf_Serf

        They got pills for that now, too!!

        • Well that's something to clap about.

  • Oblios_Cap

    When she asked him if he was wearing anything, he had allegedly said: “I am wearing you.”

    The Translucent Australian Sex Machine is nothing if not suave! I can see why his wiki leaks so much.

    • Crank_Tango

      and i bet it burns, or at the very least itches, when it leaks.

    • Limeylizzie

      Love you for "Translucent Australian Sex Machine".Brilliant.

    • Negropolis

      I'll tell you what, that is one bad-ass line in an insanely cheesy sort of way, but the vast majority of sex talk is cheesy, so….

  • horsedreamer_1

    If there's a POV sex-tape, it will be called Assange to Mouth.

  • mereoblivion

    Laugh all us wants us to, Wonketeers, but who among us can say "My dick got a book deal"?

    • SexySmurf

      Wilt Chamberlain?

    • V572625694

      Bill Clinton?

    • nappyduggs

      Any of the lesser Kennedy males?

      • LionelHutzEsq

        Oprah?

    • Negropolis

      All of you are brilliant in your own special ways. Mereoblivion set that one up well, also.

  • charlesdegoal

    Bush got seven million and didn't write a single line of his book. I'm sure Julian can find some willing volunteers to contribute their prose to the opus. JUST KEEP YER HANDS OFF OF THEM!

    • JustPixelz

      What evidence do you have that Bush didn't write that book? Oh yeah, the grammar.

      • Negropolis

        That, and it's an actual book. The only way he'd ever write so much that the result would be a book is if it were by accident.

  • MildMidwesterner

    I have a naked picture of Assange. When it looks good, then I know that I am drunk.

  • Crank_Tango

    Today, we all have dick pics out there.

  • OneDollarJuana

    I wonder if she 'shopped the Brett Favre photo onto the Assange photo to impress her friends. Just wonderin'.

    • Negropolis

      If what Favre has is "impressive," well…

  • nappyduggs

    Wait. I haz a confused. He supposedly violated this lady, who snapped a Polaroid party pic of him, naked, sleeping in bed next to her? Sure, sure. Well, homey may have won the "Battle of the Sexes" but my dude wouldn't stand a chance on that Law & Order: SUV reality game show.

    • They got one of those shows in Britain now… Law & Order UK. No doubt the CPS will be looking for CCTV footage of that leak.

  • x111e7thst

    How do I go about getting a Swedish honey to take pix of my dick?

    • Terry

      I'm sure there is a webpage for that.

      • Negropolis

        If not, there is definitely an app for that.

    • 200 an hour, a valid passport and a butt ton of airline miles.

  • Oblios_Cap

    But will his Opus Dingus be able to knock the Great American Novel "Decision Points" from its lofty perch as the #2 bestselling work of nonfiction on the market today?

    • walterhwhite

      "Decision Points" is nonfiction?

      • Considering it was mostly cribbed from newspapers and magazines, I suppose so.

  • Weenus299

    "Sweden is the Saudi Arabia of feminism," he said. "I fell into a hornets' nest of revolutionary feminism."

    He went down, down, down, and the hornets filed more charges.
    And it burns, burns burns, the hornets' nest of revolutionary feminism,
    the hornets' nest of revolutionary feminism.

    • Kidneys4Sale

      The charge…of rape is sweet.
      When he wears…you on his meat.

      I'm here, all weak.

    • Lying about wearing a condom is considered assault in some states in the US, he is lucky he did not do that here.

  • SexySmurf

    When she asked him if he was wearing anything, he had allegedly said: “I am wearing you.”

    I'm guessing Julian's book is going to just be a collection of his letters that were rejected by Penthouse Forum.

  • mavenmaven

    It will be a big seller, all he has to do is feature the Palin tweets on the cover and it will fly off the shelves.

  • Terry

    This is to all the straight men out there.

    Stop taking photos of your exposed penis. The great majority of women don't want to see those photos, even when we like you. Men like nekkid pictures. Women like romance and love and emotional support. Sending a woman a photo of your junk is not romantic. It's sort of feral.

    Just stop it.

    • natoslug

      I dress my junk in a tiny tuxedo and top-hat, to class things up a bit. It's still cool to include it as my business email sig, as long as it's classy and formal, right?

      • nappyduggs

        Does it have one of those curly mustaches? And a monocle? Now that's a fella I'd like to meet!

        • Terry

          It only needs the one lens, truth be told

        • natoslug

          I go full Mr. Moneybags, which is even easier now that I'm graying.

    • Oblios_Cap

      When I sent women a photo of my erect penis it was my way of saying "you're number one". I never could afford one of those big foam fingers.

      Well, I got older and got Dunlop's Disease, so thankfully that chapter of my life has ended .

    • What if I put it in a box?

      • Negropolis

        A Dick-in-the-Box is so much classier than a Jack-in-the-Box. It shows you care.

  • Terry

    Waxed, he's completely hairless other than his head.

    • Negropolis

      Which one?

      I couldn't help myself. The spirit's willing, but the flesh is oh so weak.

  • elpinche

    He's working on getting America's approval. Everyone needs to have a sex tape or genitalia photo.

  • dyedwool

    The revolution will be televised! The classified intel will be Interneted! And the penis will be rammed down our throats via unwanted sext-messaging and WikiLeaks and whatnot!

    Ugh.

    I need to go lie down.

  • ttommyunger

    The joke's on her if those sheets were white: NOTHING will show up in a pix.

  • deanbooth

    Leave Julian alone! *cries*

    [My doing this again proves that my tears are real.]

  • lochnessmonster

    I'm going to send a link to this page to all my friends who like dick jokes…this is right up W's ally

    • walterhwhite

      And if it's not up W's ally, someone should shove it there.

      • lochnessmonster

        Hahaha

  • Tundra Grifter

    I predict copies of Mr. Assange's book will promptly be pirated and bootleg editions made available on the Internets for free.

    And, of course, he'll be cool with that.

    • zhubajie

      Esp. if he gets the advance up-front.

      • Tundra Grifter

        z:: But the Internets are all about being free – not about making money…

        • Negropolis

          I think he got you, man.

  • edgydrifter

    I'll bet it looks like a cross between an icicle and a flatworm.

    • fuflans

      oh. dear. god.

    • I bet it smells and tastes like a blue Otter Pop.

    • Negropolis

      I bet it looks like a bleached, skeletal index finger. **shudders**

  • LionelHutzEsq

    I'm sorry, but I just don't care about this story until he hooks up with Lady Gaga or Britney Spears.

    • Maybe they can work together to get gays in the military in Saudi Arabia.

  • PhilippePetain

    This guy just keeps seeming more and more like a Kids In The Hall sketch.

  • Guppy06

    Do I really need to blow $30 on Amazon to hear tales of pretentious USFB?

  • Mr Assange regards himself as a victim of radicalism. "Sweden is the Saudi Arabia of feminism," he said. "I fell into a hornets' nest of revolutionary feminism."
    ——
    Does this mean that Swedish feminists are not allowed to drive cars or go out in public without covering up?

  • AntonovBureau

    "I am wearing you" would be a great title for his book – it has meanings on so many levels

Previous articleBristol Palin To Fulfill Her Destiny By Attending Arizona State
Next articleHappy New Year, Washington (Be Nice To Your Liver!)