two things that smell like fish

Julian Assange Has Book Deal; Julian Assange Dick Photos Are Out There

'FREE GOVERNMENT MONEY!'Julian Assange is still standing in the snow outside of his mansion-prison in the land of animal-blood-eaters, talking to fellow journalists (and all the kids watching at home!) about the dangers of condom use when having sex with a sleeping woman. And also Latin American wiretapping, if they have time. He is still wearing that green jacket that you get when you win The Masters of being accused of rape by Swedish openness fangirls. And he has news for all of us: He got a book deal! And also one of those ladies he did the sex to took a picture of him lying naked on her bed, supposedly to sext to her friends and whatever the international news and/or politics version of Deadspin is (us?).

The dick photo has yet to wiki-leak to the Internet (TIPS@WONKETTE.COM! SO WE CAN VOMIT!), so we don’t know if the disgusting coarse half-shaved white carpet matches the blond-highlighted disgusting drapes (WHOOPS! WE JUST DID VOMIT!). But we do know this:

When she asked him if he was wearing anything, he had allegedly said: “I am wearing you.”

The Battle of the Sexes is over! This guy won it! Thanks, bro.

Oh, meanwhile, that book deal, the one worth $1.3 million because of all the gossipy sex stuff:

“I don’t want to write this book, but I have to,” he told the Sunday Times. “I have already spent £200,000 for legal costs and I need to defend myself and to keep WikiLeaks afloat.”

Oh, he has to write this book. He has to cash in on/bolster his celebrity status. Doesn’t he know Real Journalists are supposed to like writing books? Even Dana Milbank has written a few books, and he works for the Washington Post, so he must be a journalist. [ABC News/The Australian]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. Oblios_Cap

    When she asked him if he was wearing anything, he had allegedly said: “I am wearing you.”

    The Translucent Australian Sex Machine is nothing if not suave! I can see why his wiki leaks so much.

    1. Negropolis

      I'll tell you what, that is one bad-ass line in an insanely cheesy sort of way, but the vast majority of sex talk is cheesy, so….

  2. charlesdegoal

    Bush got seven million and didn't write a single line of his book. I'm sure Julian can find some willing volunteers to contribute their prose to the opus. JUST KEEP YER HANDS OFF OF THEM!

      1. Negropolis

        That, and it's an actual book. The only way he'd ever write so much that the result would be a book is if it were by accident.

  3. OneDollarJuana

    I wonder if she 'shopped the Brett Favre photo onto the Assange photo to impress her friends. Just wonderin'.

  4. nappyduggs

    Wait. I haz a confused. He supposedly violated this lady, who snapped a Polaroid party pic of him, naked, sleeping in bed next to her? Sure, sure. Well, homey may have won the "Battle of the Sexes" but my dude wouldn't stand a chance on that Law & Order: SUV reality game show.

  5. Oblios_Cap

    But will his Opus Dingus be able to knock the Great American Novel "Decision Points" from its lofty perch as the #2 bestselling work of nonfiction on the market today?

  6. Weenus299

    "Sweden is the Saudi Arabia of feminism," he said. "I fell into a hornets' nest of revolutionary feminism."

    He went down, down, down, and the hornets filed more charges.
    And it burns, burns burns, the hornets' nest of revolutionary feminism,
    the hornets' nest of revolutionary feminism.

  7. SexySmurf

    When she asked him if he was wearing anything, he had allegedly said: “I am wearing you.”

    I'm guessing Julian's book is going to just be a collection of his letters that were rejected by Penthouse Forum.

  8. mavenmaven

    It will be a big seller, all he has to do is feature the Palin tweets on the cover and it will fly off the shelves.

  9. Terry

    This is to all the straight men out there.

    Stop taking photos of your exposed penis. The great majority of women don't want to see those photos, even when we like you. Men like nekkid pictures. Women like romance and love and emotional support. Sending a woman a photo of your junk is not romantic. It's sort of feral.

    Just stop it.

    1. natoslug

      I dress my junk in a tiny tuxedo and top-hat, to class things up a bit. It's still cool to include it as my business email sig, as long as it's classy and formal, right?

    2. Oblios_Cap

      When I sent women a photo of my erect penis it was my way of saying "you're number one". I never could afford one of those big foam fingers.

      Well, I got older and got Dunlop's Disease, so thankfully that chapter of my life has ended .

  10. dyedwool

    The revolution will be televised! The classified intel will be Interneted! And the penis will be rammed down our throats via unwanted sext-messaging and WikiLeaks and whatnot!


    I need to go lie down.

  11. lochnessmonster

    I'm going to send a link to this page to all my friends who like dick jokes…this is right up W's ally

  12. Tundra Grifter

    I predict copies of Mr. Assange's book will promptly be pirated and bootleg editions made available on the Internets for free.

    And, of course, he'll be cool with that.

  13. LionelHutzEsq

    I'm sorry, but I just don't care about this story until he hooks up with Lady Gaga or Britney Spears.

  14. kittylittr

    Mr Assange regards himself as a victim of radicalism. "Sweden is the Saudi Arabia of feminism," he said. "I fell into a hornets' nest of revolutionary feminism."
    Does this mean that Swedish feminists are not allowed to drive cars or go out in public without covering up?

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