and then straight to rhodes scholarship

Bristol Palin To Fulfill Her Destiny By Attending Arizona State

She will graduate in only four years. Because she keeps her promises.TMZ has learned that America’s greatest tabloid teenage prodigy, Bristol Palin, bought that giant foreclosed heap of architectural sin in exurban Arizona because she wants to attend America’s finest institution of higher learnin’, Arizona State, also known as “The Cambridge of the Great Air-Conditioned Desert.” Sure, your editor, who went to a private university with its “standards” and “minuscule dropout rate,” will make fun of Arizona State, as he just has, because he is a vile elitist with a history of “scholarships.” But for twenty-year-olds of dubious academic achievement like Bristol, who flunked health class and thus had babies in high school and went on to receive a GED out of pity, Arizona State is Harvard. And their quidditch is getting black-out drunk, showing their tits, and getting raped by twenty or so frat boys in their slumber. Which is better than the dorkiness of quidditch, at least.

So far, no official word on which school the 20-year-old has her eye on … but there are a few major clues.

Bristol just purchased a $172,000 home outside the Phoenix area — which she paid for IN CASH! The home is just miles from the Arizona State University school of broadcasting … a school that boasts one of the most state-of-the-art facilities in the country. Bristol has expressed an interest in public speaking.

Is that really how TMZ “has learned” this? Brainstorming what colleges are in Arizona and that seem like a good fit for her? Probably what we would have done, if we weren’t so busy insinuating she will run for Congress.

Because really, Arizona State is Bristol’s destiny (at least for the one year she spends there before dropping out, and the twelve subsequent years she takes online classes at home in an Alaska trailer park in order to graduate). She was born to go there, when you think about it for approximately a nanosecond. That school’s entire history has been about cultivating a culture and identity that would make it the natural home of an infamous dolt teenage-mom reality-show quasi-celebrity. Mazel tov, you two. [TMZ]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

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  • Schmannnity

    Not a fan of Bristol, but a little harsh on the Wildcat.

    • Beetagger

      Sun Devils… Wildcats are Tucson.

    • JustPixelz

      Bristol is America's Favorite Plucky Orphan — after her parents were killed in a tragic ego explosion.

    • ttommyunger

      Ward, you were a little rough on the Beaver, weren't you?

  • RedneckMuslin

    She moved to Arizona to go to Phoenix University Online. The closer she is the faster the larnin'.

    • Oblios_Cap

      That's what I figured her first choice would be.

      • LionelHutzEsq

        But that would mean that George Soros has his talons wrapped around her. Will there be no one that can stand up to the march of Socialism in this country?

    • gullywompr

      She had to move out of Alaska to go to an online university. When Ted Stevens said the internet was a ""series of tubes", he was serious. In Alaska, that's exactly what it is. It takes too much air pressure to fire the pneumatic cartridge all the way from Phoenix.

  • WarAndGee

    They have a cosmetology program?

    • MildMidwesterner

      Wow! Cosmetology! Wow! I didn't know Bristol was capable of space travel!

    • BerkeleyBear

      Well, the Agribusiness school has been known to research putting lipstick on a pig or two, if that counts.

      • Boojum_Reborn

        They've done other things to pigs, a fact which is central to Bristol's enrollment decision. That and the fact that no respectable school would have her.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      ASU has one of the largest church going student populations in the country, outside BYU it is the #1 choice to send Mormon kids. There are spies everywhere to make sure that the Mormon kids do not stray.

  • quatrevingt4

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJZAbG5OAeg

    I just enjoy that there's a state school in the PAC-10 (I will pretend those new schools don't exist) lower on the food chain than my own.

    • marrcus

      Washington Stater?

    • marrcus

      Ah, you are. I went to the University of Idaho, Sarah Palin's alma mater. And W. Mark Felt's. I miss Ferdinand's and Rico's, but I don't miss the snow.

      • quatrevingt4

        Ferdinand's and Rico's! Le sigh. I now live in the Midwest. The snow is much, much worse here and I have to be a fully functioning adult in it.

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    Sure why not lack of a High School diploma or GED never stopped any one from going to ASU.

    • Terry

      She got her GED from a store front tutoring place in Wasilla. No joke.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        Well where else would a hard ass-worker go.

    • BerkeleyBear

      When I was applying to schools, ASU's standard was slightly above the "having a pulse" level of places like Nebraska and the University of Alaska, but not by much. Then again, that was for freshmen – transfers may just need a credit card to pay.

  • DemonicRage

    Have you forgotten: American loves Second Acts. No doubt she will major in Economics and, after the Republicans have repealed Obamacare, she will lecture to us from platforms like "Morning Joe" about how to deal with an aging population and its attendant health care needs, without overexpanding the National budget.

    • Terry

      She'll call for death panels?

      • horsedreamer_1

        Par for the Republican course.

        Remember: Mark Foley led the fight to pass COPA.

      • MsQuasimodo

        Personally tutored by Jan Brewer!

    • ttommyunger

      Act 1.- Popping a kid out sans marriage license.
      Act 2.- Competing in "Miss Jiggly Thighs" Contest on the teevee machine.
      This would be the third act: Brilliant academic/homeowner in one of America's most retarded States.

    • zhubajie

      Well, Palin-care will be giving your tithes to the faith-healer of your choice, in return for him/her shouting HEAL! while you put your hands on the TV.

  • marrcus
    • MiniMencken

      I believe Bristle plunked down her cash for that house about five minutes after being shown this clip.

      • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

        I think she is a sexual predator as well.

    • GOPCrusher

      I do believe that Arizona State can count The Keg Stand as one of their contributions to academia.

  • charlesdegoal

    Did John McCain intercede on her behalf or are admission standards really that low?

    • RedneckMuslin

      Both. But John must have interceded to get them to lower admission standards THAT low.

      • Terry

        McCain got her an exception to the SAT requirement. She couldn't break 600 total.

        • ChessieNefercat

          Considering the SAT spots you 200 points for getting your name and address filled in correctly in the little ovals, you're guaranteed 400 points just for finding the test site and figuring out how the doors work. Sigh.

    • BerkeleyBear

      This is dated information, but in the late 80's/early 90s a score in the 900 range on the SAT would get you comfortably into ASU from out of state but you generally had to crack 1000 to get into UA in Tucson. That was before scores got re-centered upwards, so it may take more (or less) today, but it is definitely one of the safety schools of the Southwest.

      In state requirements were supposedly lower, which might explain the home purchase. Then again, it might all be a misdirection in her mother's grand plan to usurp Jan Brewer as the Queen Teatard of the Desert and use it as a platform to avenge poor Johny Mac's defeat.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      John McCain wouldn't pick up the phone to intercede in anyones behalf unless it directly affected John McCain.

      • HistoriCat

        So you're saying McCain made the phone call while Bristol was going down on him?

        "You need to let her in – hengh.
        She's a real asset – Hengh!
        She has my personal recommen – HENGHHH!!!
        (snores)"

  • horsedreamer_1

    I look forward to the Four Chans — but, oddly, they're not all Asian — exposing Bristol's "amateur" porn turn, just as they outed Elizabeth H——–. (I will spare the latter further Googling.)

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      It's a trap!

    • zhubajie

      Any chance Bristol and Julian will get together?

  • x111e7thst

    Just a couple quick questions. Will little 'Tard becoming to Arizona do visit his "nephew" Trapp.? How is the dancing in Maricopa county?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Half-brother. & uncle.

      Get it right.

    • JustPixelz

      Doesn't the Constitution have some plain language to keep the Palins from giving their kids such stupid names — cruel and unusual, maybe. Instead of Trip, Trap, Trik and Trix, let's just call them all "That One".

      • V572625694

        Oddly enough Italy has a law requiring everybody to be named Allessandra or Alessandro

    • BeWoot

      The dancing community there is strong. But the dancers actually try, so Bristol would stand out like a bison in church.

    • jim89048

      How is the dancing in Maricopa county?

      There's a stripper pole on most streetcorners.

      And why is Benincasa's column MIA?

  • lefty74

    ARIZONA? Where men are men and sheep and Mexicans are nervous?
    Good fit Bristle.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Mehbe she thought that she could qualify for in-state tuition to the online Phoenix College?

  • Redhead

    Hmmm… well she's already gotten knocked up and made a fool of herself on national TV. Hasn't she already earned a diploma from ASU? Or is she a little shy of her keg-stand quota?

    • horsedreamer_1

      You're obviously familiar with the work of Jaime Hammer (Penthouse Pet of the Month, Nov '06), I see.

  • nicnack74

    I said it before and I'll say it again. Mommy quitter will move to Arizona to be closer to her grandchild. If she doesn't take the Presidential nomination, she will run for Senate in Arizona.

  • Terry

    "Sure, your editor, who went to a private university with its “standards” and “minuscule dropout rate,” will make fun of Arizona State, as he just has, because he is a vile elitist with a history of “scholarships.”"

    I went to a ginormous state university and I'm happy to make fun of ASU, too. Perhaps ASU became the tea baggers' preferred institution after they refused to give Obama an honorary degree last year, with his being a Kenyan muslin socialist pretender and all that.

    • charlesdegoal

      Not just the State university, but AZ in general: the South Carolina of the West.

      • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

        Want to know where all of your Medicare and social security dollars are going, Sun City. Imagine if 100k old people were made to live in a giant development with circular roads, so they could not escape, for our amusement?

  • jjdaddyo

    Or the creationist cosmetology program…

  • slappypaddy

    vile elitist. when a score of frat boys loves you in your sleep, that means you're part of the pep squad.

    • user-of-owls

      Which, of course, makes them part of the perp squad.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      I see you've been reading Dubya's bio.

  • guangho

    Only elitists go to college. And a state school? That sort of government freebie is only for socialists. I bet she'll seek scholarships too the little welfare case. If Bristol was a real 'Merican with gumption like simple folk in small towns, she would just study the Good Book in a Tent while cradling a rifle. Shun her I say!

    • horsedreamer_1

      Pell Grants.

      • ChessieNefercat

        I'm pretty sure that having the $172K to plunk down on her stucco and chicken wire mansion eliminates Pell Grants from her financial aid package.

        • horsedreamer_1

          Don't put a little fraud past a Palin.

          • ChessieNefercat

            Good point!

    • zhubajie

      Was she turned down by Bob Jones U.?

      • guangho

        Well her poppa is part Native American so Bob Jones wouldn't want her anyway. (And if her core audience knew this, really totally truly knew this, Alaskacunt would be toast on the Medicaid self sufficiency lecture circuit.

    • AntonovBureau

      There is no doubt some scholarship for young, unwed mothers. Or one will be created that is even more specific, just for her.

  • jjdaddyo

    I'm sticking to my theory that she will live in an ASU dorm and only use this new house for cooking meth…

    • LionelHutzEsq

      She got back together with Levi?

    • zhubajie

      The meth will pay her tuition?

  • GunTotingProgressive

    Considering that momma bought her a house near (uh, not really near) the school, and how many schools momma attended, maybe this is some sort of personal stimulus program.

  • JustPixelz

    If she doesn't quit, we should demand a maternity test to see who her real mother is.

    • ChessieNefercat

      Oh, she'll quit. mama is the lovely sort of parent with the unspoken rule for her children that you will not make me look bad by doing better than I. The kids are there to reinforce mama's noble victimhood.

      • horsedreamer_1

        I said the same thing about Bristol & Willow being chunky.

        As long as Sarah remains slender(er than her daughters), less competition.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Maybe she's planning to attend the Herberger Institute for Design and the Arts School of Dance at Arizona State University. She could definitely use the instruction.

    • Barrelhse

      More likely "Furburger."

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      No a Broadcasting degree cuz that worked out so well for mama griz.

  • Wilcoxyz

    In selecting the college of her (mother's) choice, Bristol asked, "Hmmm, what school would deny Obama an honorary degree for lack of achievement…"

  • Wilcoxyz

    Also, has she only selected one college? Do you hold off on bailing to Idaho until you see how brown the campus is?

    • V572625694

      No kidding. Probably scarier than mega-multi-culti U of HI was for Sarah & her daddy.

  • Beowoof

    I didn't know ASU did anything out side of football. And with a whole bunch of courses that most football players can pass Brisdull will fit right in.

  • Naked_Bunny

    Bristol just purchased a $172,000 home … which she paid for IN CASH!

    Just like all the Real Americans whom the Palins represent.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Thank God that the Republicans fought so hard that Bristol's taxes won't go up. Can you imagine the state of our economy if 20-year olds who get money for no reason other than being related to someone sort of famous had to pay an extra 2-4% of their top income to Uncle Sam? Who would create new jobs then?

  • SorosBot

    When I went to college, even the most spoiled of rich kids didn't actually own houses near campus; man, this trash really loves to flaunt their newly unearned wealth.

    • V572625694

      Back in the good ol' days of the real estate boom, prosperous parents would snap up a condo for little Todd or Jennifer to live in for the four or five years it took to get through school, and then flip it at a profit. If you try that in AZ today, there's no way you can lose money! Real estate always goes up! They're not making any more of it!

      • SorosBot

        I've said it before and I'll say it again: damn I hate rich people.

    • user-of-owls

      Oh sure, this from a robot who could buy a mansion with his p-points!

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      My older brother bought a repo for his son and daughter to live in while at college, thought it better than paying rent for 6 or 7 years with the benefit of selling the house when darlings left school. My question would be why is he paying their fucking rent?

  • OneDollarJuana

    and getting raped by twenty or so frat boys in their slumber

    I didn't know Julian Assange went to ASU.

  • Barbara_i

    I'm sure she will flunk out of every course and still graduate "summa cum loudly." Let's just hope that Mama doesn't come to see her Chubby Cub and stay for the football games or she might just shoot the mascot to try to impress her cyber buddy, Ted Nugent. So what that it turned out there was a human under there? You took him out with one clean shot

    • BerkeleyBear

      I'd like to think she'd bomb out of anything requiring more thought that Communications, and even there here "hard ass worker" level of skillz would put her in the bottom quintile, but she probably wouldn't flunk out entirely. You can't buy your degree from public schools, but there is a real pressure the lower you go to have high graduation rates.

      • Barbara_i

        I think that Bristol has it in her mind that when you go somewhere you walk away with swag and a big Tiger Woods sized check. Class usually means that you give them money and you leave behind assignments and stuff. What, no bendy straws? What a dump!

        • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

          That's how it worked for Rodney in Back to School, so what the fuck? Van Wilder too. Also

  • problemwithcaring

    She moved to Arizona to take some Public Relations classes?? Hahaha…right.

    My guess? She's stalking some Wasilla meathead, who has been dicking her down since Levi left, and following him to ASU. These Palins "ladies" don't do shit if it can't get 'em pregnant.

  • schwnj

    I don't buy this. The house that Palin bought is almost an hour away from ASU. Unless it's merely to establish residency and she'll actually live somewhere closer.

    • Katydid

      What, you think it's dumb or something to spend $172,000 on a five-bedroom house in Pigfuck, Arizona, to establish residency to get lower college tuition, and then have to rent or buy another place to actually go to that school?

      Logic is elitist, and you're a commie.

      • mumbly_joe

        Oh, it's completely Trigged, but if there's one thing I've learned from watching the Palins thus far, it's that you never bet against fraud where the Snowgrifters are involved.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        She'll probably buy a fucking Hummer to commute to school.

    • smokefilledroommate

      I thought the same thing–the house is in Maricopa which is nowhere near downtown Phoenix. Also–did anyone explain the real estate situation in AZ to her, or care to? Oh, her mother prolly just wants her out of the house so Sarah can focus on Sarah.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    She has a five bedroom house near the campus but still relatively isolated. Its could be a whorehouse, a retreat for Christian singles or both.

    • mumbly_joe

      Methlab.

      • zhubajie

        Xtn whorehouse and methlab?

  • ttommyunger

    Hairdressers world-wide rise up and demand an apology, Charles.

  • Bildungsromania

    Hahahaha, poor/less smart people getting raped!

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    How's the dancing in Maricopa, you ask? Well, the tips are OK in the VIP room, anyway.

    • Schmannnity

      Bristol on a pole. Must clear mind. Must stab out mind's eye.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        Better be a stout pole.

  • mavenmaven

    Think of the celebrity stories! She'll be like Emma Watson at Columbia! Every week the Palins can be in the news again! There will be all those pictures of her carrying books, sitting on lawns looking student-like, and then of her furrowing her brow for "exams", while in all likelihood she won't even show up without a phalanx of armed guards. And always, shots of Sarah being "so proud".
    Prediction: People story featuring "Bristols' College Styles!"

    • zhubajie

      Who will tend the kid? Someone from Mexico?

    • http://michaelfountain.blogspot.com/ Angry_Marmot

      Math class is tough!

    • finallyhappy

      I thought Emma goes to Brown with the Eurotrash?

  • ttommyunger

    The capper will be when little miss jiggly thighs receives her commission as a Special Deputy Sheriff from Joe R. Piehole. Look for her on the teevee machine riding shotgun with Sheriff Joe, armed to the teeth with an specially engraved .44 Magnum presented to her by her Momma's good buddy, Ted (Tiny Goober) Nugent. Keeping with the Conservatard Policy of Privatization, the new diggs will be leased to the Maricopa County Jail System and used as a work-release facility, halfway house and sub-station. It will be interesting.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Little Miss Jigglythighs, I love that and will do my level best to spread it.

      • ttommyunger

        Hope you don't mind long lines.

  • Oblios_Cap

    This can't be good for ASU's recruiting.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Have you seen the douchebags that go to ASU

  • Katydid

    With the thoughts she'd be thinkin'

    She could be another Lincoln

    If she only had a brain…

  • edgydrifter

    HA! She has no idea what she's doing (as usual). ASU? She isn't blond, she isn't Boehner-toned, and she isn't thin. She won't last a month in Tempe. Hopefully, someone will convince her to start with an Associates Degree in Bulimia Studies from Maricopa Community College before she steps up to the big school.

  • Cat_Damon

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7RmG4IM1dU

    Jack Donaghy: A parent is the one person who's supposed to make their kid thing they can do anything; says they're beautiful even when they're ugly, thinks they're smart even when they go to Arizona State…"

  • chickensmack

    If mommy paid cash for her house, does this conflict with conservative values like rugged individualism and pride through realized self-worth?

    • mavenmaven

      Conservative principles always apply only to other people. Except tax cuts for the wealthy when you are suddenly making millions off of your true believers, those need to be applied immediately.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    First it was she was running for college. Now it's she is going to ASU. Have you all missed the obvious answer? Clearly, Sarah Palin made a deal with John McCain, where she would be named vice president in exchange for her giving her eldest daughter to become McCain's new child bride. I would guess the marriage is planned for this summer.

    But even if she is planning to go to college, surely this is just the first stop in a series of safety schools, as she follows her mother's career path of getting more out of the Peter Principle than anyone living. . . well, except for "w." (And, why is it to be considered a viable candidate for the Republican nomination do you need the words "Misserable Failure" to proceed your name?

  • metamarcisf

    Those halibut clubbing lessons from Mom will come in handy in the Grand Canyon state.

    • Barrelhse

      Nice p's. Something you said?

  • fuflans

    why the hating on tmz? who else has the journalistic balls to dedicate an entire category to teen moms and bristol's double chins?
    http://www.tmz.com/2010/12/26/bristol-palin-arizo

  • Joey_Ratz

    Haha! This University of Arizona student is delighted that Lil' Palin will attend ASU – serves those fuckers right. And if it turns out that ASU's standards are a little too high, there's always Central Arizona College right down the I-10 in Arizona City.

  • TheDongsofWar

    Hopefully she won’t have to transfer 4 times like dear old mom.

  • nounverb911

    If Bristol doesn't like her grades, she can always second amendment her professors. They seem to encourage gun play on campus.
    http://www.wtop.com/?sid=1067309&nid=25

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Isn't there a big rift between AZ State and ASU? Like Texas A&M and the other one?

    One of her former half-term Uncle's went to ASU. In just about four years too, I think. He sells office furniture. I'll bet he put in a good word for her.

    She has an interest in public speaking? If she's going to expand on her "It sucks" and "It's awesome," verbiage, she'll have to do better than what AZ can offer. Nothing they can do with her wet sock charisma.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Hey it worked for Megs McBoobs, she just needs some twitpics.

  • chascates

    Maricopa Skills Center has a cosmetology program :
    ENTRY REQUIREMENTS
    Students must have a valid Social Security Number or Tax ID card for State Board Licensing Exam. Students under 23 need either a High School Diploma, GED, or 10 high school credits with two credits in English.

    She needs to learn to walk before she learns to run.

  • 102415

    Bingo, some Wassila kid she's doing moved there.
    Plus don't forget the lawyer who keeps the keys to the Palinbot contribution box Van Flein went to ASU and has gone to work for some teabagger named Gosar.
    House is a laundry pure and simple. Nothing is on the fair and square with the Palins ever.
    Frankly, I hope they all get stuck there. My mother once moved to Mesa and cried every day til she moved away. Hemet looked good after that place. It's all Mormon and nothing is there but houses and churches and blinding heat. How does Mitt fit into all this?? Watch out Mittens!!

  • JackObin

    Arizona State. The only person that comes to mind is that insufferable Yid Al Michaels. Maybe he and the Palin doughnut lover can perform a Jewish wedding dance on the TV.

    • Barrelhse

      Jesus, I always found his voice really annoying.

  • FlyOverGirl

    Paid for in cash?? She can count that high? And how is she paying for Levi Jr's day care?

  • Negropolis

    Wait, ASU Party School Extraordinaire?

    Can't blame the girl. Seems like a perfect fit for her personality, and it'll get her in out of the cold.

    Well, she's no Meghan McCain, which isn't exactly saying much.