FLOTUS FILES  11:27 am December 27, 2010

Michelle Obama Saves Christmas With Emergency NORAD Santa Hotline

by Blair Burke

That's MRS. Flotus to you ...A long time ago, a bunch of gullible children in Colorado read a Sears ad in a “newspaper” — an ancient method of distributing information — and spent Christmas Eve calling a telephone number they believed would allow them to track the whereabouts of Santa Claus. Instead, they were connected to NORAD, and since the guys manning the phones were totally bored searching the sky for Soviet missiles, they thought, “How swell!” and decided to sit around telling 8-year-olds how much longer they would have to wait for their stockings to be filled with gas masks and Everlasting Gobstoppers. Half a century later, our North American Aerospace Defense Command still had nothing to do on Christmas Eve, and it invited our FLOTUS to partake in the merriment.

Michelle Obama spent part of Christmas Eve answering calls for NORAD’s Santa-tracking program, talking to children who were desperate to know how soon they would find iPads and Cheetos in place of the Baby Jesus in their inflatable nativity scenes.

First Lady Michelle Obama spent over 40 minutes on the phone with children, answering Christmas Eve queries from kids as to where Santa is and how soon he will be at their home.

“You know that Santa only comes after boys and girls have gone to sleep, no matter where he is in the world,” Mrs. Obama said to each of the children callers. “So Santa won’t be at your house until you’re fast asleep, okay?”

Now that No Fat Kid Left Behind is old news, Michelle Obama will probably be launching a new campaign soon, to fight against children whose parents let them stay up all night calling NORAD, whining about presents. But her anti-obesity, bake-sale hating days aren’t entirely behind her.

The First Lady told the children to put out cookies for Santa and of course vegetables for the reindeer.

Children were perplexed by Michelle’s idea of a healthy reindeer snack, because they were told that reindeer like Budweiser and Krispy Kremes, and being shot with rifles. But one lucky kid named Austin did get to have a heart-to-heart with our FLOTUS, who explained her marriage to the president with the type of passionate language one might reserve for describing a college roommate who isn’t awful but mostly just drinks a lot of beer and watches Frasier re-runs.

Lastly Mrs. Obama said it isn’t hard to be married to her husband.

“He’s a pretty good guy. I mean, it’s a tough job and sometimes you want to do everything you can to help him, but it’s pretty easy being married to him. He’s kind of funny — fun to hang out with.”

“Okay, cool,” Austin said, seemingly satisfied with her answers.

And then Austin returned to the small cot in his windowless room and closed his eyes, dreaming of a Christmas morning when he would drag his feet into the den to find our FLOTUS sitting under the tree. [ABC News]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

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Crank_Tango December 27, 2010 at 11:33 am

Santa doesn't have a twitter? He doesn't "check in" on Facebook? No TLC reality show?

I am having a hard time believing such a character exists.

charlesdegoal December 27, 2010 at 11:35 am

That same NORAD telephone number was used by WikiLeaks to download all of those documents.

Sassomatic December 27, 2010 at 12:11 pm

I heard Julian Assange has the Naughty List. This should be embarrassing.

ttommyunger December 27, 2010 at 11:36 am

Good thing Santa's rig is much larger than the average passenger jet, otherwise, NORAD wouldn't be able to track him.

Oblios_Cap December 27, 2010 at 11:38 am

One day Baby Jebus is going to tired of the competition at Xmas and order NORAD to shoot that fat fucker right outta the sky.

OneDollarJuana December 27, 2010 at 12:15 pm

No, that didn't happen! Flight 93 was crashed by the hijacking muslin djinns! It wasn't shot down!

Negropolis December 28, 2010 at 12:45 am

I heard it was Santa who crashed at Roswell. The Alien Santa Autopsy videos are real, y'all!

lochnessmonster December 27, 2010 at 11:41 am

The Santa I know likes red wine (Shirazz or merlot) and chocolat.

simplyblue7 December 27, 2010 at 12:02 pm

Shows how much you know about Santa. He's more of a pinot noir man.

Lascauxcaveman December 27, 2010 at 12:35 pm


CessnaDriver December 27, 2010 at 4:48 pm

I can see Santa having a shot of Jack.

x111e7thst December 27, 2010 at 11:50 am

Interesting bit on the NORAD "Track Santa" website about how time works differently for Fat Father Xmass. Probably has something to do with black holes, or Delaware Masturbation Witches.

OneDollarJuana December 27, 2010 at 12:16 pm

Or in military parlance: Witches, Masturbating, Delaware, or WMDs.

Angry_Marmot December 27, 2010 at 12:38 pm

Diddling witches or GTFO.

Terry December 27, 2010 at 11:54 am

Michelle Obama is my bff, I swear.

MarionNYNY December 27, 2010 at 11:54 am

Does her desire for socialistic government control over our lives know no bounds? Clearly, Michelle's attempt to dictate that children greet Santa "her way" shows this woman's obsession with trying to interfere in every aspect of our lives. Why can't the elites allow us to make our own decisions and decide what's best for our children?
Now if I could only get that down to 144 characters, I could work for Sarah Palin!

OneDollarJuana December 27, 2010 at 12:19 pm

MO is Soclst obssd w BigGov ctrl of r Childrns. Elites h8 real Amercns!

LionelHutzEsq December 27, 2010 at 11:59 am

Did NORAD at least destroy the incoming target? Or did the terrorist win?

LionelHutzEsq December 27, 2010 at 12:02 pm

First they repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and now they are allowing an anti-American Socialist deep inside of NORAD.

Dear God, Glenn Beck was right!

simplyblue7 December 27, 2010 at 12:03 pm

Reindeers also enjoy bullying…and not allowing different kinds reindeers take part in their reindeer games.

Sassomatic December 27, 2010 at 12:13 pm

Good God, she's tracking Santa Clause. Next it'll be the Easter Bunny, the the Great Pumpkin, and soon all of us.

jim89048 December 27, 2010 at 12:22 pm

During the annual full-retard local affiliate "news" coverage of the NORAD backscatter xray radar displays of Santa travelling the world, the NBC affiliate in Vegas showed him over Rio de Janeiro at the same time that the CBS affiliate showed him over Washington DC, which led to a lot of confusion among the littles that were up watching the local 11:00 news.

V572625694 December 27, 2010 at 12:34 pm

“Okay, cool,” Austin said, seemingly satisfied with her answers.

You gotta admire the way the skeptical journasaur didn't just take the kid's satisfaction at face value.

mereoblivion December 27, 2010 at 12:44 pm

Austin sounds pretty cool himself. I too dreamed of waking Xmas morning to find our FLOTUS sitting under the tree. Actually, Johnny Depp, but same idea.

metamarcisf December 27, 2010 at 1:29 pm

When Sarah is elected and Todd becomes First Dude, Santa's sleigh will be equipped with machine guns in order to strafe reindeer herds up there in the Last Frontier.

Jukesgrrl December 27, 2010 at 4:50 pm

They let Santa up into the airspace over our HOMELAND without so much as a TSA pat-down?!?

Negropolis December 28, 2010 at 12:48 am

Isn't Mrs. Obama just the shit? She's creating memories, and good ones, too. If Bush would have been taking calls, he'd have accidentally pushed a button and shot down Santa to the absolute horror of children worldwide; he'd have been just the one to do it, that bastard.

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