Michelle Obama Saves Christmas With Emergency NORAD Santa Hotline

  flotus files

That's MRS. Flotus to you ...A long time ago, a bunch of gullible children in Colorado read a Sears ad in a “newspaper” — an ancient method of distributing information — and spent Christmas Eve calling a telephone number they believed would allow them to track the whereabouts of Santa Claus. Instead, they were connected to NORAD, and since the guys manning the phones were totally bored searching the sky for Soviet missiles, they thought, “How swell!” and decided to sit around telling 8-year-olds how much longer they would have to wait for their stockings to be filled with gas masks and Everlasting Gobstoppers. Half a century later, our North American Aerospace Defense Command still had nothing to do on Christmas Eve, and it invited our FLOTUS to partake in the merriment.

Michelle Obama spent part of Christmas Eve answering calls for NORAD’s Santa-tracking program, talking to children who were desperate to know how soon they would find iPads and Cheetos in place of the Baby Jesus in their inflatable nativity scenes.

First Lady Michelle Obama spent over 40 minutes on the phone with children, answering Christmas Eve queries from kids as to where Santa is and how soon he will be at their home.

“You know that Santa only comes after boys and girls have gone to sleep, no matter where he is in the world,” Mrs. Obama said to each of the children callers. “So Santa won’t be at your house until you’re fast asleep, okay?”

Now that No Fat Kid Left Behind is old news, Michelle Obama will probably be launching a new campaign soon, to fight against children whose parents let them stay up all night calling NORAD, whining about presents. But her anti-obesity, bake-sale hating days aren’t entirely behind her.

 
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The First Lady told the children to put out cookies for Santa and of course vegetables for the reindeer.

Children were perplexed by Michelle’s idea of a healthy reindeer snack, because they were told that reindeer like Budweiser and Krispy Kremes, and being shot with rifles. But one lucky kid named Austin did get to have a heart-to-heart with our FLOTUS, who explained her marriage to the president with the type of passionate language one might reserve for describing a college roommate who isn’t awful but mostly just drinks a lot of beer and watches Frasier re-runs.

Lastly Mrs. Obama said it isn’t hard to be married to her husband.

“He’s a pretty good guy. I mean, it’s a tough job and sometimes you want to do everything you can to help him, but it’s pretty easy being married to him. He’s kind of funny — fun to hang out with.”

“Okay, cool,” Austin said, seemingly satisfied with her answers.

And then Austin returned to the small cot in his windowless room and closed his eyes, dreaming of a Christmas morning when he would drag his feet into the den to find our FLOTUS sitting under the tree. [ABC News]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama’s every move for “The FLOTUS Files,” which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

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About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

View all articles by Blair Burke

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27 comments

  1. Crank_Tango

    Santa doesn't have a twitter? He doesn't "check in" on Facebook? No TLC reality show?

    I am having a hard time believing such a character exists.

  2. ttommyunger

    Good thing Santa's rig is much larger than the average passenger jet, otherwise, NORAD wouldn't be able to track him.

  3. Oblios_Cap

    One day Baby Jebus is going to tired of the competition at Xmas and order NORAD to shoot that fat fucker right outta the sky.

  4. x111e7thst

    Interesting bit on the NORAD "Track Santa" website about how time works differently for Fat Father Xmass. Probably has something to do with black holes, or Delaware Masturbation Witches.

  5. MarionNYNY

    Does her desire for socialistic government control over our lives know no bounds? Clearly, Michelle's attempt to dictate that children greet Santa "her way" shows this woman's obsession with trying to interfere in every aspect of our lives. Why can't the elites allow us to make our own decisions and decide what's best for our children?
    Now if I could only get that down to 144 characters, I could work for Sarah Palin!

  6. LionelHutzEsq

    First they repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and now they are allowing an anti-American Socialist deep inside of NORAD.

    Dear God, Glenn Beck was right!

  7. Sassomatic

    Good God, she's tracking Santa Clause. Next it'll be the Easter Bunny, the the Great Pumpkin, and soon all of us.

  8. jim89048

    During the annual full-retard local affiliate "news" coverage of the NORAD backscatter xray radar displays of Santa travelling the world, the NBC affiliate in Vegas showed him over Rio de Janeiro at the same time that the CBS affiliate showed him over Washington DC, which led to a lot of confusion among the littles that were up watching the local 11:00 news.

  9. V572625694

    “Okay, cool,” Austin said, seemingly satisfied with her answers.

    You gotta admire the way the skeptical journasaur didn't just take the kid's satisfaction at face value.

  10. mereoblivion

    Austin sounds pretty cool himself. I too dreamed of waking Xmas morning to find our FLOTUS sitting under the tree. Actually, Johnny Depp, but same idea.

  11. metamarcisf

    When Sarah is elected and Todd becomes First Dude, Santa's sleigh will be equipped with machine guns in order to strafe reindeer herds up there in the Last Frontier.

  12. Negropolis

    Isn't Mrs. Obama just the shit? She's creating memories, and good ones, too. If Bush would have been taking calls, he'd have accidentally pushed a button and shot down Santa to the absolute horror of children worldwide; he'd have been just the one to do it, that bastard.

Comments are closed.