Sarah Palin Is the Only Real Death Panel

  sarah palin must be spinning in her grave

That Gregory House sure is unorthodox!Way back in the summer of 2009, your Sarah Palin was busy scaring the shit out of The Stupids (i.e., her base) by claiming that the gubmint wanted to vampire-stake Nana in her hospice bed, for fun. Thanks to a new Medicare regulation effective January 1, we will soon relive the halcyon days of snowbilly grifter reality teevee stars attempting to fearmonger your terminally-ill father’s DNR out of existence, because Nobama gave a secret Christmas present to America’s olds: The Death Panels are back!

Here is one of Sarah Palin’s vintage psychotic breaks from ’09, transcribed by a slave from her locked pink plastic Barbie diary and transliterated for subhuman consumption on the Facebooks:

The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s “death panel” so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their “level of productivity in society,” whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil.

The unassailable integrity and intellectual authority of the genius who wrote these words was enough to make President Nat Turner take specific end-of-life planning language out of the final health care bill. But like the once and future King Arthur, Murdercare rises again! Get ready for a brand-new Medicare regulation to take effect on January 1 and immediately make all your favorite senior citizens dead, instantly.

Under the rule, doctors can provide information to patients on how to prepare an “advance directive,” stating how aggressively they wish to be treated if they are so sick that they cannot make health care decisions for themselves.

Sarah Palin will hate this thing, because she is a coddled ice princess who is insulated from human suffering, and also she just does not understand. But most people do understand. You probably understand.

Have you ever seen a beloved or not-so-beloved person in the end stages of a terrible illness? Have you stared at the tubes and watched the monitors and heard the terrible sucking sound of the giant machine that forces air into and out of the inert body? In fancy medical jargon, this is called “not a lot of fun for anyone.”

There is a moment that most humans must eventually face when someone we love or like or are just plain stuck with has passed the point of possible recovery and is being chained to life by machines, legal obligation, and other people’s fear and denial. There will be no improvement. There will be no change. There will be no miracle. There will be no good coffee for the people standing around and waiting, because hospital coffee is uniformly shitty.

There will, however, be a death. The death can be prolonged and agonizingly painful for the patient and for his or her caregivers, or it can be shorter and merciful. Regardless of age, the person can meet the end with, if not joy or peace, then at least some measure of dignity.

The new Medicare rule pays for voluntary annual consultations on end-of-life care along with the usual physical exam. It pays your doctor for the three minutes he spends answering the question, “So, Doc, what the fuck are my options if some crazy shit happens to me?” That’s it. That’s all. That’s the only fucking thing it does.

If there is such a thing as an unforgivable sin, surely it is the act of preventing a tormented being in the end stages of natural life from the merciful conclusion he or she expressly requested when of sound mind. Through willful ignorance, political calculation, or sheer stupidity, Sarah Palin and her idiot ideological cohorts want to eliminate the last bit of dignity many of us are allowed. And for that, if for nothing else, she is a fucking monster.

Sara Benincasa is the executive web director of Team Sarah/SarahPAC.

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About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa

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206 comments

  1. BeWoot

    Just three weeks ago Henry Jones, probably the world's most dignified and wonderful dog, had to face his own death panel. Tragically, we made the right decision. For myself, I would rather work out an "advanced directive" with my doctor than with my lawyer. And I'd rather pound thumbtacks into my gums [thank you, Sedaris] than take advice from Sarah Palin. I'm sure our beloved Henry would agree.

    1. SecretMuslin

      I love my dogs more than I love most of the people in my life, and I dread the day that I have to make that painful (but merciful) decision for them. I'm so sorry for your loss.

    2. SaraJBenincasa

      I am really sorry about Henry. It is sometimes sadder to lose an animal than a person, because animals love you unconditionally.

    3. emmelemm

      I, too, love my dog more than most people I know. I am sorry for your loss.

      And was your dog named after Sean Connery of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade fame? Awesome.

    4. finallyhappy

      I am grateful that we were able to follow our mother's wishes(her advance directive written when she was well and mentally competen)t not to prolong her life with more tubes and more useless surgery when death was inevitable. I also hope Henry has met my Sally in dog heaven(I only think dogs got to heaven- not people).

    5. nappyduggs

      I, too, am sorry for your loss. If I didn't have my animals- in addition to the kiddos, naturally- I may have made my own appointment with a death panel long ago.

      RIP, Henry.

    6. BeWoot

      Thank you all for your sympathy. I always knew the wonketteers were a sweet bunch, but now even the Red State savages have proof: Liberals are good, kind souls.

          1. Sophist FCD

            Did I say anything about "closeted megalomaniacs"? No, I did not. So it should be pretty clear I wasn't talking about the legislature.

    7. An_Outhouse

      Don't feel bad, Spud was already there, waiting for Henry. (If the last kid was a boy, his name was going to be Henry – instead we got Katie)

  2. nounverb911

    "because she is a coddled ice princess who is insulated from human suffering"

    She's going to melt living in a trailer behind Bristol's new meth house.

    1. natoslug

      Aren't you supposed to have the better candidate listed first? I'd think you'd get more votes with the Schiavo/Palin ticket.

          1. Kidneys4Sale

            Yeah, I think that'd be the trap to get Joey the Mouth to let fly and get painted as a bully. Take enough of the pitiful out of his opponent and he'll start to look at it as a contest.

          2. twogoats

            yesterday, while jogging, I saw the ultimate wackos bumper sticker: PAUL/KUCINICH – 2012! Unfornately, I was moving too fast (or perhaps suffering mental dislocation) to register which Paul we were to see atop that ticket.

          3. Negropolis

            You know, Apostle Paul is one of the most unlikable guys in the Bible, and that's including the Bible's ridiculously evil villains. That guy really needed some sexytime and/or a good joint to loosen him up, because he was more uptight than Jesus, who was a pretty mellow dude. I wanna grab the dude by the shoulders, shake him like a British nanny, and tell him to chill the fuck out.

          4. mereoblivion

            Right on, Daddy-O! And most misfortunately for all of us, especially the womenfolk, the pissant from Tarsus ended up having a much greater effect on the church than JC his badass self. The misogyny, the gloom, the hatred of the body? Thank Paul for doing everything in his power to spread those poisons far and wide.

  3. edgydrifter

    If "level of productivity in society" really did determine who lived and who died, there would be no Palins at all.

    1. Preferred Customer

      Depends on how you define "productivity." If "productivity" = "ability to poop out kids," as Darwin tells us, the Palins are at the top of the evolutionary tree.

      Top.

      Of.

      The.

      Evolutionary.

      Tree.

      Maybe we should stop teaching evolution after all. I hate evolution.

  4. Cat_Damon

    If "being a member of Congress" was a pre-existing condition, then the HC bill would not only have contained a public option but it would have passed unanimously.

  5. Oblios_Cap

    The America I know and love is not one in which my parents … will have to stand in front of Obama’s “death panel” so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their “level of productivity in society"

    I'm sure you don't $arah, since your level of productivity in society is a negative value.

    1. user-of-owls

      During my bi-annual lecture on the Great Leap Forward (always a hit!), I point out that this was perhaps history's most monumental experiment in value-subtraction.

      For some reason, that just popped into my head. Odd.

  6. lochnessmonster

    Well put. Except the problem is Sarah Mama Grizzly Bear Lipstick on a Pitbull Palin will not read what it is really about, she wil just spout her ignorant comments out and the olds on their scooters will follow her around shouting about death panels and that Obama is a muslin.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      There went an hour of using my Seasonal Affective Disorder anti-depressant light box to waste.

        1. Negropolis

          For me, to begin to cry leads me into further sadness where I begin to cry harder, and the cycle continues until I'm so drained that I fall out from exhaustion. It works, but it hurts.

  7. V572625694

    "…decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care."

    Not hard to see why Sarah fears this. Hedge fund traders are more productive, albeit more hate-worthy too. Unlike the Alaskunt, most of billionare traders have the decency, or well-justified fear of God, to stay out of the public eye.

  8. mdotsota

    Sorry, but I disagree. Drowning in the pool of Nacho Cheez that I've let build up on my unwashed belly over the years is the most dignified way of going I can imagine for myself and every other RILLUMURAKIN.

  9. Maman

    If by "Have you ever seen a beloved or not-so-beloved person in the end stages of a terrible illness?" do you mean "Have you ordered the final shot of morphine to make your beloved 'more comfortable'? " Then the answer to that is fuck yes.

    1. carolinaswamp

      Yup. Justice would entail Sarah Palin dying of an oropharyngeal cancer that shuts off her trachea, after the tumors push the trach tube out so many times that the effort is abandoned, in the absence of any palliative care. That, Ms. Palin, is why people pray for mercy, rather than justice.

  10. OneDollarJuana

    "Level of productivity" already determines your ability to live or die. If you have a high-enough level of productivity and can afford the ever-soaring health care costs, then you live, otherwise the private, for-profit death panels condemn you to death.

    1. HedonismBot

      Americans are producing more and more and earning less and less for their efforts. I think the death panels would consider us lowly serfs to be an expendable commodity.

  11. JustPixelz

    "…stand in front of Obama’s “death panel” so his bureaucrats can decide…. is evil"

    Well, I for one, agree with Sarah Palin that such a system would be evil. How fortunate … How utterly American that we don't have that system. And never will, as SP would know if she didn't get her news 140 characters at a time from twitter and Fux News.

    And note to Sarah Palin: Only a retarded retard would use her Down's baby for retarded political points then claim she's offended when some retard says "retard" about her retarded family.

  12. NorthStarSpanx

    Under the Sarah-light and Todd-Heavy Administration, the state so mismanaged Medicaid that over 250 people died waiting for the program. Hundreds more did not receive treatment.

    Over eight lawsuits were filed against the state division, bringing the attention of the state auditors, who notified Alaskan officials on June 26 that the entire program was being shut down due to mismanagement. In fact, the Supreme court ruled last year that the state had improperly cut off or reduced services to more than 1,000 needy people.

    No other state in the nation is under such a moratorium, according to a spokeswoman for the federal Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services.

    1. V572625694

      Wonder what kind of pension ex-goobernor Sarah gets. And whether it includes lifetime guaranteed-issue health insurance for her and her progeny. And how much of the premium she pays.

    2. walterhwhite

      I must notify Gov whats-her-name of Arizona immediately so that she can vie for the title of The State That Mismanaged Medicaid Even More Than Alaska"

    3. ChessieNefercat

      Ah, yes. But bitch-face has never explained this, has she? Oh right, that's because all her hateful yammerings are in a one-way direction.

  13. gef05

    The only reason Palin objects to end-of-life-care is the self-awareness that once she gets halfway through letting a loved one go she'll want to quit and insist the process be stopped.

    Which will lead to a HUGE fucking problem.

    1. genxr

      Halfway through her parents' end of life care, she'll quit and announce that she can better serve their needs by going on a book tour.

    2. Dashboard_Jesus

      Hah! you used 'Palin' and 'self-awareness' in the same sentence, is that one o' those fancy 'oxymorons'?

  14. EdFlintstone

    I'm starting my own scare the olds rumor that republicans plan to change medicare to no longer fund goverment paid hoverounds. That should get the attention a snow grifters base.

    1. FlipOffResearch

      I’m planning my own scare the olds rumor too. Obama is going to make you register your guns at the polling booth! I plan on disseminating this rumor via e-mails during the summer of 2012.

    2. HistoriCat

      Why? It hasn't so far – and that's been the Republican wet dream (Medicare dismantling) since it started.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Meanwhile, Arizona governor Jan "Someone-Left-the-Cake-Out-in-the-Rain" Brewer is using her powers of negligence and stupidity to actually kill people in her state who are in need of organ transplants and she's getting off scot-free. It would be a shame if Bristol needed a new liver or something though…

  16. Crank_Tango

    there is not enough raping, bludgeoning, and leaving for dead in the world to give this cunt what she deserves.

  17. SmutBoffin

    While, like Sara, I am upset at the abominable state of the discourse surrounding end of life care in America, I am also upset at the fact that Benincasa didn't refer to her readers as 'labia-clenching masturbation boosters' or somesuch.

    What gives?

      1. SmutBoffin

        This is your prerogative. Sometimes Jim Newell would lay off of his profane, interminable clauses to make an ACTUAL SERIOUS POINT OF SERIOUSNESS, too.

  18. Oblios_Cap

    Well, if House is on the Death panels, all I need to do is to agree to keep him in pain pills and scag and I'll be fine.

    Great Blingee!

  19. jim89048

    Let me get this straight–death panels in, death tax holiday out? At the same time? Outsmarted again, wingtards!

  20. LionelHutzEsq

    Until the death panels are fully armed, this is just another Obama half-measure. Why can't he stand up for his principles?

  21. Radiotherapy

    That's right Sarah, I don't want some gubmint bureaucrat deciding my fate. I want a profit driven insurance bureaucrat, under gubmint bureaucratic regulations no less, deciding my fate.

  22. LionelHutzEsq

    And the Half-Governor/Full-Quitter of Alaska has a point. If you don't plan for death, it will never happen. She is just being a good American and standing up against such defeatist attitudes.

  23. WarAndGee

    I prefer my death panel to be the one I've always had: the whims of the corporate free market.

    Having free will donation cancer fund raisers for baby Amanda at Scooter's Roadhouse Tap is all the health care coverage we need.

    So we should be scrapping the whole socialist medicaid/medicare system anyway, shouldn't we Sarah? Huh Teabaggers?

    1. Progressiveinga

      Totally agree. Healthcare is a commodity to be driven by the free market. Pay up or die, bitches. Capitalism rules!

  24. VespulaMaculata

    Benincasa, you are dangerous.

    No woman has ever made me fall in love with her as quickly as you. You flame, me moth.

  25. Barbara_i

    I find it ironic that Sarah knocks the gubmint health care and she was already on it when she said it. Todd is some sort of Oreo-hybrid, Eskimo person and gets health care because of it. How did this family get the good death panels and we are stuck with the cranky ones that will put us down like a dog if we sneeze?

    1. MsQuasimodo

      I betcha she gets free gubmit health care for Trig, being a disabled child, and milks that for all she can get. (Note: Alaskakunt is the retard; Trig just has Downs.) Also. Fucking hypocrite.

      1. Barbara_i

        I detest the way that she lugs that child out for sympathy points. The little eyeglasses that he wears must jack up her ratings. She probably could have gotten decent frames for the lenses and asked for back ordered, super shittified frames from the early 1950's just for extra "look at these Coke bottle lenses" effect.
        Her fans don't realize that every minute that she's on the Facebook, Twitter, Fox news, etc. is another moment that this child is knocked out on Triaminic, with it's "cool grape goodness" What a cunt!

    1. Angry_Marmot

      That was the Roman idea of "compassionate end-of-life care": poking you with a spear to make sure you were dead, instead of breaking your legs with a mallet.

  26. DaSandman

    I dunno I wish I had something clever to say about this. I'm going to go with the classic "Fuck you Sarah Palin, community college half governor mother of whores dropout meth mama fucktard cunt."

    Cut her loose Todd, she's dragging you down you girly looking kept snow machine bitch.

  27. BarackMyWorld

    More wisdom:

    "Conservationists write me these nasty letters because I support an industry like this," she told Todd in the car on the way back to the camp. "They write me these nasty letters using their pretty little pencils on their pretty little stationary not realizing. Where do you think your pencil and your piece of paper came from, people? It came from a tree that was harvested."

    1. ChessieNefercat

      No one can say she has not mastered the art of expressing seething rage smeared over with a thin layer of condescending viciousness.

      And doesn't "pretty little stationery" remind you of "dainty little starlets"?

    2. PsycWench

      I call bullshit. No one under 60 writes letters on paper and no one over 8 writes with a pencil, ergo this claim cannot be true.

      1. DashboardBuddha

        I use a mechanical pencil and a notebook…but that's only when I'm pretending to be a songwriter.

      2. DoktorZoom

        And where do these elitists think their dictionarial-type books come from, with their fancy "real words" and "correct spelling"?

    3. PsycWench

      As a native of NC, I can tell you that paper is made from trees that are grown and harvested for this purpose, by a process that smells very bad. You don't need to take down trees in the wilderness to make paper, so use of paper is not inconsistent with being a conservationist.

  28. slappypaddy

    "Have you ever seen a beloved or not-so-beloved person in the end stages of a terrible illness? Have you stared at the tubes and watched the monitors and heard the terrible sucking sound of the giant machine that forces air into and out of the inert body? In fancy medical jargon, this is called 'not a lot of fun for anyone.'"

    yes, yes, and true. thank you for the reminders. time for a deep dip into the catnip tin.

    1. SaraJBenincasa

      Ugh, sorriez. I was having a sadz when I wrote this, but then I watched "To Catch a Predator" and felt a lot better? So maybe that is an idea? Or…um…sigh.

      1. slappypaddy

        'sokay. you hit best when you hit hardest. pull no punches for we wanketeers. 'sides, we live long enough, we get to see those we love dearest die. no way around that, unless we don't live long enough and they get to see us die.

  29. weejee

    / snark off

    My bride and I are both oldes with our own death paneled walls in our living wills. We have also convinced our GenX and Millennium kiddos, well perhaps the past 40 GenXers are not so kiddo anymore, to do the same. It is really lame to make someone else, like either your kids or parents, to have to decide when to pull your freaking plug.

    Talk to folks near & dear, talk to your doc, and then get with your lawyer and draw up and sign a living will. For a lot of states, you can get downloadables that are generic for your locale, that you can tailor to what you want and then take to an attorney for final tweaks and making locally leagullz for fewer bucks.

    We rarely plan on having the brain cramp where we step in front of a truck. However, that kinda shit happens everyday and is sad. But it is a whole lot more sad after that has happened to make yer sad and weeping mom to have to decide when to pull the plug on her baby (ya still are even past 30, 40 or 50 or 60).
    / snark on

    Can we pull the plug on the whole Palin klan now ???? At least the media plugz ???

    1. MsQuasimodo

      Yes. Thank you. And doesn't this stupid grifting bitch know that every time someone is admitted into a hospital, the Admissions clerk gives you a copy of Advanced Directives, which includes a living will, power of attorney, and a checklist of how aggressive end of life care should be – i.e. DNR? Feeding tubes? Etc. AND after that, the registered nurse who admits you ALSO asks you if you have any of these documents, and if not, explains to you or your family what they are and how they should think about getting these documents, even if the patient is a young healthy woman just having a baby. So where's the death panels, Snowbilly? The only ones I know of, as an RN, are those run by the vampire squid for-profit medical industry and Republican politicians. Those of us who actually provide health care resent and despair at the state of the American health care system. /snark back on.

  30. Guppy06

    Palin's America isn't one where her parents have to stand before a death panel, but before a drug court.

  31. mumbly_joe

    Sara: Thank you for this. So much

    I happen to work at a hospital, which is where I am on Shitty-Choked-With-Snow-Nobody-Else-Has-Work-Day, because we count as "essential" personnel. End-of-life issues are hard on everyone: patients, doctors, irrelevant admin staff, everyone. Trying to turn a common-sense provision to make these decisions easier to approach and deal with, by making them early on, into "zomg death panels" was literally the most monstrous thing about the health debate, and it was the *real* evil exposed in that process. Especially coming from the same people who tried to turn a family's private next-of-kin decision into a culture war, two years prior. It really did make me sick as someone involved in this stuff personally, and one really can't call these assholes out on this nearly enough.

    1. Gorillionaire

      Word. Used to be an emergency room personel myself. Another scenerio we used to see was the methhead family who haven't been to a church in twenty years calling a minister, anybody with a thin church credential, to come over and make some quick decision on the spot about granny's aneurism.

    2. SaraJBenincasa

      Two big thumbs up, and the toe-thumbs up (the big toes) up too. I'm sorry you have to be at work today but I am grateful you are there doing the job of helping run a place that all of us end up in at one point or another. Thank you for the comment, for realzies.

    3. finallyhappy

      A year ago, although my mom had an advance directive- no machines, no food, nothing but drugs for comfort and was dying, we had to sign the DNR. We wept- and I think the intern did too- my siblings and I were terribly sad but knowing it was right that my mom who was dying wouldn't be kept alive to suffer a little longer.. I was glad that my mom had done the directive when she was well and mentally competent. The staff was very kind- I cannot imagine having to deal with death on a regular basis or comfort those who are grieving so I am grateful to you and those who work with you and work like you.

    4. Barbara_i

      Thanks for your service. You bring balance to a world that sometimes, makes me want to go running and screaming into the night.

      1. MsQuasimodo

        As all of you commenters here who work in health care know, snark and cynicism towards the motives of those in power is second nature to us because it's how we cope. Others start drinking or pilfering the narcs or burn out, I find snark and black humor and political action more conducive to mental health. See: the movie "Hospital."

        1. Barbara_i

          From your lips to my two daughter's ears, both nurses. Yeah, I took the weak way out and chose to educate my daughters and stay on their asses until they finished their degrees. Had I know that they could have just dropped out, got pregnant and made serious bling…….I would have still stayed on their asses and made them follow through and become nurses.

          1. MsQuasimodo

            Someone here said recently that Bristle should go to nursing school – I'm sorry, I know nursing has a poor public image, but she's a grifter and a quitter and would get kicked out of nursing school, or fired from her first job. Working in health care is hard dirty work, totally emotionally and physically draining. She's not smart enough for medical school. She'd never clean up other people's shit — she enjoys creating it for other people to clean up.

      1. Neilist

        What a coincidence.

        I love ME, too!

        [Can I pop a couple of caps into Granny, now? The 7.65 mm won't do that much damage, and the mortician can fill the holes with a minimum of wax.

        [ASSHOLE. Right. Got it.]

  32. Badonkadonkette

    Thank you Sara. End-of-life counseling keeps medical decisions in the hands of the patient. It's a shame the MSM is so terrified of Sarah's wrath that they won't just call this horrendous, inhumane, un-American (really – it's un-American, especially by Teabagger standards) line of total bullshit for what it is.

  33. Radiotherapy

    was literally the most monstrous thing about the health debate

    Hear, hear, mumbly.
    This fucking bitch put a torpedo into something that we will all face, either ourselves or through loved ones, and sucked the rational discussion right out of the hull — using her fake kid as a prop and for her own political gain. I expect she'll be put front and center again by the Murderoch machine.

  34. ManchuCandidate

    Of course she doesn't want any panel to figure out her worth because it would always be less than what she "believes" it is.

    BTW, it's the square root of -1 which is considered by those of us in the math world as the irrational number.

    1. slappypaddy

      but if you plug it into einstein's famous formula, you can find yourself (and everything else) on the other side of the light barrier, with no way to slow down and no way to get back.

    2. SmutBoffin

      Uh, is i irrational? I mean, if you write i in ordered pair form i = (0,1) then you have that each component is a rational number (over R, &tc.).

      But what does that get you, since you could have some complex number c = (a,b) with a rational and b irrational? What would that make c?

      Imma go lay down now.

      1. ChessieNefercat

        I picture one of her flying monkeys puzzling over your comment, an arrested look of vacuous, painful stupidity on his/her face, before concluding you're (your?) just another librul writin' that muslin Ayrab stuff like it was just as good as the English Jesus wrote the bible with.

  35. Tundra Grifter

    "Way back in the summer of 2009, your Sarah Palin was busy scaring the shit out of The Stupids…"

    In other words, she was talking "with" her kids? But probably not for two whole hours…

  36. Steverino247

    Watched my father and father-in-law die of brain cancer and mother-in-law of Alzheimer's. Hospice care and as much advanced directive stuff as you can get is the way to go and remain sane. Those, like Sarah Palin, who offer platitudes instead of planning, should let left on what's left of the Arctic ice to die.

    So, somebody push the bitch off on one up there!

    1. Boojum_Reborn

      Stick her on a Death Floe, club Trig like a baby seal, and feed their overfed corpses to the few remaining polar bears.

      1. SaraJBenincasa

        NO TRIG GETS TO STAY! And so does Piper, until she does something as annoying as anything her older sisters have done. Todd also gets to stay, because he is handsome beefcake.

    2. SayItWithWookies

      No, Sarah Palin needs to taste her own medicine — feeding tubes, respirators and Miracle-Gro for her until she dies a natural death the way The LORD intended — even if she outlives Methuselah and has to be carted from one civilization to another in her near-eternal quest for a hospital than can sustain her when she's nothing more than a shriveled sack of dry bone protecting that hiccupping schizoid random word generating raisin that passes for a brain.

      1. SaraJBenincasa

        " hiccupping schizoid random word generating raisin that passes for a brain."

        A Pulitzer prize for commenting to you right now, this fucking instant.

      2. ChessieNefercat

        "hiccupping schizoid random word generating raisin that passes for a brain"

        Oh dear God, like Sara said. Best descriptor ever. If there is not a Pulitzer prize for blog comments, there should be. I think it's the word raisin that did it for me.

      3. finallyhappy

        stomach tubes, repeated intubation, a trach, diapers, amputations, wires and IVs in many places with collapsed veins- all she wishes for others should be hers.

  37. ChessieNefercat

    Thank you for this post, Sara.

    Now, we all know what Palin's pod people accomplished with "death panels."
    Maybe we can all do our best to accomplish the opposite this time around with the very accurate term "monstrous", when it comes to describing opposition to the Medicare provision?

    Monstrous. Monstrous. Monstrous.
    Example: Only horrible, hateful, monstrous people could be against advance directives.

  38. Senator_Bateman

    I miss Sara….Benincasa, not Palin….I feel like I haven't seen an adequade Bachmann impression in forever.

    1. SaraJBenincasa

      Oh, she will return. I just have to teach myself FinalCut Express and also how to use my new camera. So, probably in 2013 she will return. NO way, I will learn faster than that, I promise!

  39. tribbzthesquidz

    Teabagderz are only concerned with the freedumbz of business and industry. Individual freedoms are negotiable especially when they concern mawral issues and Yahweh Santa is always watching, even from the toilet.
    Did you know "The Market" is more of a person than people are now? The "Invisible Hand" is the only entity allowed to "play Gawd." We sub-species will have to settle for whatever reasonableness we are allowed because of arbitrary demands made by a famous teevee blowup doll who probably has spoken in tongues and thinks the earth is 4000 years old.

  40. DemonicRage

    Sarah will find some way to spin this into: "Well, did you catch that? SEE? I was right!" Then she will hire some underling to piece together an anthology of patriotic quotations, and go around the nation on another book tour. Soon she will begin showing up at Iowa a lot, in anticipation of the beloved caucuses. Then the fun will really begin, as she and Newt Gingritch step over pig shit at the county fairs, to get in front of microphones and denounce the Socialists in D.C. Get ready for it.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I seem to recall last January's Esquire (meaning: January 2010) the writers producing a timeline of the year to be, & for December 30, 2010, or something close to that, they had "Sarah Palin announces launch of Presidential Exploratory Committee". I wept.

  41. shirleyplz

    Thank you sara, I faced this with my slowly dying unconscious mother this year. thanks to massachusetts health care regulations, her doctor was able to represent her clear wishes to die with dignity to the neurologists at the hopital, and we carried out her wishes. It was not me or my family that benefitted most from these laws, it was she who was able to finally rest in peace the way she had wanted.

    1. SaraJBenincasa

      I am really sorry you lost your mom, and I am really glad that you were able to let her die with dignity. I wrote this post while thinking of my mom's long struggle caring for her dying mother.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        Neither of my parents were in the hospital all that long. In fact, Daddy died while we were trying to figure out where to put him for hospice when the hospital would no longer provide care. I was in the room with him. He died hooked up to tubes and all manner of shit and the last minutes weren't what I'd wish on anyone, including me. My ten year old was with me the whole time.

        My mother, a 40 year smoker (two packs of Camels a day) died after heart surgery because she could never breathe on her own again. Like anyone thought those damaged lungs would ever be able to pick up the slack. The surgery was completely needless. This was 14 years ago. The cardiological surgeon got his $95,000, the hospital a bundle and anyone else who could charge my dad's insurance. The only losers were my family.

        The American way of death is hideous. So are the people who use it for political gain.

  42. Schmannnity

    Isn't it Down's Syndrome, not Down Syndrome? Maybe she means "I gotta put this baby down cause I've got a plane to catch."

      1. DashboardBuddha

        Yeah…if it was Down's syndrome, and I had a kid with this affliction, I would be all…hey…if it's Down's syndrome, give it the fuck back to him!

  43. 102415

    Sarah doesn't/didn't give a shit about any death panels it was just Koch PR to scare the old stupids into believing in the teabaggers and it worked. The old smarts know how to read and have seen the worst already. I cheered when I saw what they did with this. Haha. Suck it!
    As for pretty pencils, really, just stick them in your ear Sarah and push real hard we'll harvest them later as needed.

  44. Tundra Grifter

    Meanwhile, Pat Buchanan predicted The Guv'Nuh will get The Pole Position in 2012.

    Is that the 360 swing-around while wearing a G-string, the double-wrap or the ever popular tush-to-the-pole and wave the new assets in the mark's face position?

  45. Pragmatist2

    You just don't get it. You give people information one day and then the next day they start thinking and the day after that they start acting rationally. Pretty soon they are voting for Democrats.
    It's a slippery slope and the Republican Party will do anything to stop it.

  46. JackObin

    Sarah darling, the America you love is fat, stupid and lazy. I think a death panel would declare it brain-dead, frankly.

  47. Redhead

    "so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their “level of productivity in society,” whether they are worthy of health care."

    Well, at least she has it together enough to know that if the panels ever WERE applied, her previous meal ticket Bristol would be cut off of medicaid, food stamps and all the other socialist government programs she's currently on.

  48. chascates

    My mother spent the last 3 years of her life essentially as a vegetable, in the last stages of Alzheimer's. We had to wait until 'God took her' rather than stop tube feeding her and end her life. With tens of thousands of dollars paying for her care from Social Security and medicare.

    The greatest medical expenses most people will run up occurs in the last years (or months) of a long life. I loved my mother very much but there comes a time when you have to let go.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      I've made my wishes clear to my kids. Seriously, my only concern is that they'll start unhooking tubes when I'm simply in the hospital to have some work done. I'll be like a Monty Python skit, screaming through the bandages, "I'm not dead yet!"

    2. Barbara_i

      Hugs to you, Chascates. We went through something like this with my mom and my sister managed to find a doctor who was willing to help in the end.

  49. Neilist

    I don't want to be on a Death Panel.

    I'm holding out for Death Panel EXECUTIONER!!!!

    [I'm assuming the job comes with an ammunition allowance? If not, forget the whole thing.]

    Neilist
    PPK 7.65 mm Product Placement Department
    Katyn Forest Massacre Division
    Carl Walther GmbH Sportwaffen
    Munich, Germany
    "22,000 Dead Poles Can't Be Wrong!"

    1. MsQuasimodo

      You're joking around. No man with a soft spot for cats could really feel this way. (No, the Austin Powers bad guy with the hairless cat doesn't count.)

  50. Spanky2a

    Just before I die I'm going to convert to their politics just because I'd rather have one of them die than one of us.

  51. emmelemm

    In seriousness, thanks for this post, Ms. Benincasa. It rings out with the dulcet tones of purest truth.

    God DAMN I hated that healthcare debate nonsense. It was the most fucked up, twisted shit ever to be spun.

  52. DustBowlBlues

    One: Excellent post, Ms. Benincasa. Bible Spice was wise to hire you. (You are the official web director of Sarahpac, right?)

    Two: What really pisses me off is that no one will sign on to the DustBowlBlues cheap and easy solution to the social security problem, the Medicare funding crisis and the health care crisis, all with one, simple solution.

    Because there are so many fucking Baby Boomers, we screw up the system no matter what age we are. Too many of us for the schools; too many of us being in the jobs; too many of us needing nursing home care or home care, soon.

    My answer? Give the Baby Boomers what we dreamed of when we were in college: All the drugs we want. Not trippy or speedy drugs, no: Opium! Put us in high class opium dens with music of our individual choice piped in and a soft bed with low light. Toss in some incense, of course. Let us waste away in bliss, returning to our adolescent conundrums, like, who IS the cutest Beatle?

    If I'm facing a nursing home with music provided by 1001 Strings Does Country and Western alternating with polka, I much prefer the opium den. Hell, if that's my future, I'd rather the vet put me to sleep.

    1. 102415

      I personally have no intention of going any where like that for at least forty -five more years. And no Beatles or boring opium! Seriously. The holidays must have worn you out. Next time do take out and concentrate on the playlist and your hair.

  53. guangho

    "The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s “death panel” so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their “level of productivity in society,” whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil."

    I hate this woman. I hate her so very very very very very very much.
    Very.

    P.S.: As has been pointed out before, if level of productivity in society was the standard, most of the R party would be dead by now.

    P.P.S: Anyone else feel that she carried Trig to term just so she can exploit the kid for the next 16 to 30 years?

    1. ChessieNefercat

      "P.P.S: Anyone else feel that she carried Trig to term just so she can exploit the kid for the next 16 to 30 years? "

      No way she birthed that kid, but yes, the plan is to exploit him for the next 16-30 years. Or longer if need be.

  54. VinnyThePooh

    Choose your Death Panel: Gubmint forced into deficit reductions by Boomer T. Bagger or United Healthcare beholden to shareholders. Sorry, Scooter Nation. Through either taxes or insurance premiums, we can no longer afford to give you the free health care ride anymore so the plug is getting yanked out.

    I'm tired of reading about parents that can't afford health care for their children just so you can get a couple extra years of droolitude. It isn't our fault that you suddenly realize – at death's door – that you haven't lived a full life. You had your chance. Too fuckin' bad.

    Fuck. You. And the tired notion that you've earned free health care by simply reaching old age. Growing old is natural, not an achievement.

  55. kathrynmuniz

    I have posted this already here before You guys should stop complaining because, one the health care we have now isnt as good as it was supposed to be. also the law has just been signed so give it some time. so if u want to say u have the right to choose tell that to ur congress men or state official. If you do not have insurance and need one You can find full medical coverage at the lowest price check search online for "Wise Health Insurance" If you have health insurance and do not care about cost just be happy about it and believe me you are not going to loose anything!

    1. Barbara_i

      Bristol, please go check on the babies and eat some saltines or something before you go to bed, lest you awaken in a pool of your own sick.

      My conscience is telling me not to push "submit comment"

      Dude, did you check the sign above the velvet ropes of this "Club Happy?" We aren't the saviors of the world here, we are saviors of our own sanity, or lack thereof. If anyone here doesn't have health insurance, just send me a message and I am willing to adopt you and allow you to work in my sweatshop and God, I can't continue. Again, did you read any post before you posted?

  56. Whatever

    The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s “death panel” so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their “level of productivity in society,” whether they are worthy of health care.

    Actually you stupid Kunt that is what we have now.
    The free market determines that since you is a poor you don't get care, or if you do you are in debt foreva. This hile grifters like you skim from actual productive poors and therefore can afford care for your downs babe.
    If the assholes in DC were human at all then America would have whatever health care CONgress gets.

    /minor rant

  57. nonbeliever7

    OK, way late on this, but whatever. Once again we are seduced by alaskunt bashing…which, BTW, is an honorable vocation. However, let's give a hearty terrorist fist jab to our muslin overlord, who, once again, gave us a very honorable gift in a very humble way. Suck it you angry loud useless wingtards.

    1. sarabenincasa

      That is one of the reasons why I write "Barry, Can You Hear Me?" every Friday. I love that fucking Muslim.

  58. ttommyunger

    Damn, Benincasa, you totally lost your snark on this one. Considering the topic, can't say I blame you.

  59. HistoriCat

    After his long non-filibustering filibuster, I was Bernie Sanders bitch. But now I am Sara Benincasa's bitch.

Comments are closed.