nation of food poisoning

Merry Xmas, America! (Don’t Eat the Poison Gingerbread Houses)

You can't catch me, I'm the poison gingerbread house, on fire.Christmas Day is over, pretty much! It’s all down to the weeping and drunken fighting with what’s her name, your relative probably, and the kids freaking out over their broken shoddy toys and the crippling mudslide/snowstorm that will prevent you from ever getting home (which was foreclosed, anyway). Also, the Gingerbread Houses are filled with a special Christmas treat this year: poison! And not the rockin’ ’80s hair band, either! (Haha there was a successful hair band called Poison, we’ve just remembered, because of these tainted gingerbread houses.)

News organizations report on the continuing crisis:

Assembled gingerbread houses manufactured by Illinois-based Rolf’s Patisserie, and sold locally by Whole Foods Market, are among desserts being recalled after possibly causing food poisoning.

All desserts made by Rolf’s, which are sold through retail outlets, wholesalers and online, are being recalled after being connected to several outbreaks of Staphylococcus aureus food poisoning. The bacteria produces toxins in foods and can cause nausea, vomiting, stomach cramps and diarrhea.

CNN adds that basically all baked dessert goods should be considered poisonous, forever:

Pastries, cakes, cookies, pies and other baked goods made by Rolf’s Patisserie in Chicago are being recalled this Christmas Eve, over concerns that the sweets may contain Staphylococcus Aureus bacteria.

In a written statement released Friday, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration says the pastries have already sickened 100 people in Illinois and Wisconsin ….

People started getting sick from this shit about a month ago, so it’s a good thing the FDA waited until last night, Christmas Eve, to put out the Death Warning.

Happy Christmas, people of Wonketteland! Prepare for a week of either a) gastrointestinal illness or b) a bunch of “year in review” articles.

Related

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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229 comments

  1. EdFlintstone

    Well thank god we got that tough new food bill passed, now FDA will inspect them TWICE in a decade.

    1. Dashboard_Jesus

      personally I think if your stupid enough to buy one of these *quaint* ginger houses as a fun way to celebrate Xmas then you deserve to get sick…buyer beware!

    2. WarAndGee

      Hey just apply some conservative right-wing logic to this:

      The FDA certainly made this worse because of it's over-regulation (I won't explain it any more than that, I just won't and um can't. Government BAD)

      and

      The self regulating magic of the corporate free market takes care of this shit because once people are poisoned to death they will never buy more gingerbread houses from you while you're piloting your yacht in the Caribbean enjoying the profits of the faulty products you already sold.

      So take that BIG GOVERNMENT FDA socialist stupids!

      1. Rarian Rakista

        Anyone who believes all natural rights are rooted in the acquisition of property and protected by the free market can justify slavery, remember that. There is no libertarian answer to the question of slavery, Nozick tried and failed and he is the grand daddy of all libertarianism.

      2. Dashboard_Jesus

        plus once they die we don't have to give 'em HEALTH CARE anymore, so how 'bout we give away FREE gingerbread houses with every new Medicare card…we'll call it the 'Hansel and Gretel' plan (HAG) and save some big $$$$ plus those teabaggers won't have to complain about big gummint spendin' no moar!

  2. bumfug

    And HBO's Saturday night movie premiere is The Rock starring as The Tooth Fairy. God bless us everyone.

    1. finallyhappy

      The tooth fairies in HellBoy were pretty awesome- so the Rock and his friends comsume peoples' bones and leave behind piles of goo- what a fine movie for Christmas!

  3. PrezCamacho

    Prepare for a week of either a) gastrointestinal illness or b) a bunch of “year in review” articles.

    If those are my two choices, then bring in the killer Diarrhea!

    1. Barbara_i

      Real Wasilla women know how to roll their own tampons. Leaves more money in the monthly budget for meth.

          1. horsedreamer_1

            I don't know. But I'm pretty sure South African President Jacob Zuma has said smoking period blood is a preventive treatment for HIV (if you have previously had sex with an HIV+ hooker).

  4. guangho

    A fitting holiday season as America seeks to compete with China in the manufacturing sector with both using the brilliant strategy of killing their customers.

      1. guangho

        All we need now is to have a sexy couple and their precocious kids lean back in their chairs after dinner and pull out their toothbrushes and toothpaste. Cut to announcer:

        "Nine out of ten dentists agree, your teeth will thank you for Chi Qui Mi Toothy. The toothpaste for the connoisseur. "

  5. twoeightnine

    Whole Foods? More like HOLE Foo… I got nothing. Well except that I would have preferred explosive diarrhea to watching Little Fockers. America is Focked.™

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Who got you drunk enough to be dragged to see that piece of shit? Speaking of shit (and the food poisoning issue) this is why I worked myself to absolute exhaustion putting on an elegant holiday season for my not-worthy family. No food poisoning in Grandma's gingerbread people. Just blood, sweat and tears.

      1. twoeightnine

        We go to the movies as a family every year and my mom and sister always get to pick the movie. The scary thing is that outside of True Grit it might have been the best movie being shown there.

        Hey Boo-Boo…

        I'd also place good money on the next film being called "The Fockers Next Door."

        1. horsedreamer_1

          Not a fan of Marky Mark's abs & Christian Bale's method bag of tricks? (I will admit: I was embarassed by the air-brushing of Amy Adams's white-power tattoos.)

  6. Barbara_i

    Good thing I am feeling drinky right now. Maybe this will help to take my mind off the ice cold diarrhea I'm going to get tomorrow from my festive buttery baked good poisoned gingerbread house. I should have known better than to buy anything from a bakery that smelled like the sink at the Biloxi Waffle House.

  7. Negropolis

    Prepare for a week of either a) gastrointestinal illness or b) a bunch of “year in review” articles.

    Awwww. Must we choose? Can't we haz moar of both? It's like Sophie's Choice, only no one dies…yet.

      1. DoktorZoom

        HTML command is "blockquote" and "/blockquote" within those "< >" thingies.

        Now, how do I get musical notes?

        1. ChessieNefercat

          Ooh, ooh, I know this one. I read it on a comment thread a few days ago, so I do not deserve the credit. Alt-13 for one note, alt-14 for two notes.

  8. x111e7thst

    How does one tell the difference between a week’s worth of severe gastrointestinal illness and a week’s worth of 2010 in review? It was a truly crappy year and a fitting end to a shitty decade.

    1. GregComlish

      Guys you are breaking tradition. You are supposed to wait until Wonkette's Annual "Another Shitty Year" Retrospective (or at least the NYE Bar Review) before you start reminding us that public life in America has basically been a nightmare since Bush V Gore and other excuses for alcoholism.

  9. Texan_Bulldog

    "sold locally by Whole Foods Market…" We buy our poisonous gingerbread houses at WalMart–it's mucho cheaper and most of the stuff you buy there gives you diarrhea, cramps & vomiting anyway.

    1. Dimitrios_M

      We've got a tinned fruit cake that my Grandmother made, which the family has been exchanging every year since the Coolidge Administration. And even that – I am quite certain — is not poisonous.

      Petrified, no doubt, but not poisonous!

      1. HistoriCat

        Back then they knew how to make fruitcake. Probably used a ton of alcohol – don't get it near open flames!

  10. JoshuaNorton

    nausea, vomiting, stomach cramps and diarrhea.

    We can get the same thing from my Aunt Dot's fruit cake. Or that Swiss Colony sausage and petite fours basket from the neighbors, for that matter.

  11. facehead

    Christmas is over, but who won?

    Anyway, a company named "Rolf" distributed food which caused nausea and vomiting? That's so onomatopoetic! MERRY CHRISTMAS SICK PEOPLE!!!!!

    1. DustBowlBlues

      You obviously have not been working yourself to exhaustion the way I have, or you could have never come up with something so clever. Kudos, you lazy, but literate, asshole.

  12. JackDempsey1

    "Assembled gingerbread houses manufactured by Illinois-based Rolf’s Patisserie… are among desserts being recalled."

    This is the greatest debacle for the gingerbread house industry since Hansel and Gretel.

    1. DoktorZoom

      You wouldn't be so casually making jokes about Hansel & Gretel if it had been YOUR people being casually stuffed into ovens by blonde, blue-eyed members of the Fatherland Youth League. –A holiday message of tolerance from the Christine O'Donnell for President Campaign

  13. vulpes82

    Ah, I've been waiting for a Cheerful Christmas Greeting from Santa Ken. Full of despair and misanthropy, just as I expected! Merry Christmas, Wonkette!

    1. DustBowlBlues

      And I thought the high point of my work myself-to-death week producing holiday memories for my granddaughter (candlelight, Wedgewood bone, sterling silver flatware, shiny crystal goblets and fucking homemade gingerbread. Not to mention no food poisoning) that will be magical memories for her to enjoy someday, she informs me I should wear "plumpy" clothes to church. Then goes on to explain "plump is a polite word for fat."

      You're welcome, kid. You'll love the Whole Foods treats you'll be getting next year, served on paper plates with Mason jar goblets.

      Thanks for putting Xmas into perspective, Ken. Now I think I'm going to go search my closet for some plumpy clothes that will fit the waistband that expanded about two inches today.

      1. BerkeleyBear

        Well, better that I suppose than what I got back for my week's effort putting together an awesome holiday spread (aged beef, done just so, with all the trimmings) – a handful of thank yous and a stress level so high I give myself
        (and no one else) intestinal discomfort. At least this year I didn't have my face blow up with an infection (yet).

  14. ManchuCandidate

    On the, um, "positive" side if you eat one of those poisoned cookies then you won't have to worry about losing Xmas weight thanks to the projectile vomiting and diarrhea. You can thank the Staphylococcus tainted invisible hand doing Jeebus' hard work… presenting drug companies, health insurance (cocksucker) companies and paper towel companies with greater value added to boost the economize.*

    *yes, it is Liber/Paultarded.

    Merry Xmas to all you Bastards.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Hey–where's the troll who was around last night? Is it too much to hope the troll did its Xmas shopping at Whole Foods bakery counter?

  15. nounverb911

    "Assembled gingerbread houses manufactured by Illinois-based Rolf’s Patisserie, and sold locally by Whole Foods Market, are among desserts being recalled after possibly causing food poisoning."

    Was it a 1960's post modern gingerbread house?

    Sorry, saw too many stupid commercials during the Cardinals/Cowgirls game.

    1. Jukesgrrl

      Hmmm, God's way of paying Whole Foods back for being owned by a douche who said we don't need healthcare reform? Maybe that gingerbread "house" was supposed to be a free clinic.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        With food poisoning you need flood insurance. And if you live downstairs from them, an umbrella policy.

  16. nappyduggs

    Uhh, is it too late to get a hold of one of these death confections? My former mother-in-law was all the way up my colon all day long, giving me shit and generally making me sick. I'd just LOVE to reciprocate. Holla if you got the connect….

      1. nappyduggs

        I have the honor/grave misfortune of having birthed her only grandchildren. I also have a very good relationship with her son, my sons' daddy. She, on the other hand, is a horrible, over-bearing, Sicilian hose-beast.

        Sigh.

        1. Lefty_Lucy

          Wow. Still, she can't live forever, especially if you get a hold of one of those "special" gingerbread houses .

  17. Negropolis

    Hell must be like… reminiscing about the good old days when we wished we were dead. – Samuel Beckett

    Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

  18. HurricaneAli

    I cannot believe Christmas is over so soon (or not soon enough)! I remember going to a gingerbread house competition in the midwest city I lived in, and it was a pretty huge display of some great gingerbread architecture – my favorite was the Florida summer house for Santa display, with Santa in a floaty tube on a crystal blue gelatin kidney-shaped pool. So I just had to go live in Florida – go figure a gingerbread ranch-style house would make me want to move south.

    1. Zvi_Bleindmeis

      Sucker! That's what they do here in Florida. Lure you into the gingerbread house with pecan pralines and sweet ass tea and key lamb pie, then spring the surprise on you that the temperatures from about May to September are oven-hot every single day.

        1. DoktorZoom

          On the up side, you have your Carl Hiaasen…though now that I think about it, it's quite enough to just be able to read him from a safe distance.

    2. finallyhappy

      so I guess if you came to Hebrew school the day I had the kids make Noah's Ark from graham crackers and animal crackers- would you have beccome Jewish- or bought a boat?

      1. HurricaneAli

        I am easily swayed by baked-good representations of historical and/or fantastical events. I would have waited for the release of "In Search of Noah's Graham Cracker Ark" narrated by Leonard Nimoy before making my final determination, however.

      1. HurricaneAli

        Holy crap, that's awesome – sometime must have spent hours taking little chips out of pieces of pez for the stone facings. Oh my fucking God that is beautiful.

    1. Negropolis

      The acceptable terms, these days, are Gingerbread Persons and Gingerbread-Americans. Gingerbread Men is a sexist term perpetuated by the chauvinistic bourgeoisie.

    2. finallyhappy

      True story- Sherrill's- a bakery now gone on Capitol Hill made excellent gingerbread men. The ancient bleached blond lady(Sherrill herself or maybe Mrs.Sherrill?) told me they were to be called gingerbread guys because that Marines from the barracks on 8th street, SE(not too far away) said that is what they should be called. I didn't want to be rude or funny so I didn't say " but I thought the Marines were always looking for a few good men."

  19. Come here a minute

    Next year you won't have to worry about this — the tea-party-house-of-representatives will defund the FDA and we can have our dysentery without government intervention

    1. LionHeartSoyDog

      The FDA is already a toofless ol' whore. It doesn't regulate anything, except maybe kickbacks from Big Pharma.

  20. Cat_Damon

    Whenever I hear the name Rolf I always think of The Sound Of Music. He was seventeen going on eighteen, but he was also a Nazi.

    1. Dimitrios_M

      Hearing the name Rolf always makes me think of a piano playing dog, but hearing someone rolf always forces me to fight against sympathetic vibrations.

    2. user-of-owls

      Whenever I hear the name Rolf, it evokes painful memories of a particularly vicious massage-style fad some years back.

  21. dyedwool

    What I especially like about this is how much "Rolf's" sounds like our college euphemism for puking. Only more Teutonic and authoritative. Oh, those cuddly Germans.

  22. PublicLuxury

    Where can I get one of those houses? I need to get rid of some house guests, kinda, and this seems the perfect alternative. Is anyone willing to sell me their gingerbread poisoning of beloved family house? Please. Pretty Please?

    1. Rotundo_

      But then you will have all of them fighting for the toilets and messing the place up and the noise will be intolerable. Diarrhea is a weapon for *someone elses' house* not yours.

  23. Beowoof

    As long as my Sam Adams and Pinot Evil are not are not poison, I am okay. And the pre-made ginger bread house industry will pay through the nose on the free market. All those who either died or get sick will no longer buy these high fructose corn syrup diabetes creators. I don't know if that is a win for middle America or not.

    Well back to the box of wine.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Makes me think how fun it would be to preach to a vomiting Paultard that the market will provide the solution to his problem.

      Who wants to be that a Teabagging Paultard will be the first to sue the company and complain that the government shouldn't allow children to be exposed to dangerous cookies?

      1. OneDollarJuana

        Actually, lawsuits ARE the recommended course of action for libertarians. None of that silly regulation, or zoning, or such. Wait till the damage is done, then sue. Of course, you're dead from dehydration, but your heirs can sue and then refuse to boycott Whole Foods.

  24. JoshuaNorton

    a bunch of “year in review” articles.

    Or, even worse, a bunch of "decade in review" articles. We can all get mad a Chimpy & Co. all over again. And hear from the wingnutz how he kept the country safe and danger-free forever. Well, except for that big 9/11 fuck up thingy.

    1. Negropolis

      Well, except for that first big 9/11 fuck up thingy.

      Which ABC reminded us was Clinton's fault in their made-for-TV movie The Path to 9/11. Ugghh.

    2. ChessieNefercat

      "Well, except for that big 9/11 fuck up thingy. "

      Nope, they don't even acknowledge that. Never happened. Not while Bush was prez.

      "No acts of terrorism occurred when GWB was president."
      –Giuliani, Perino, etc. I still get irritated thinking about that Stephanopolous idiot just letting that go by from Rudy. No question, no wtf, no follow up…

      Now I'm aggravated and I haven't even seen the decade in review articles yet.

  25. kribyfred

    I am soooo glad I found "Hypersonic Weight Loss"! I never knew planning and eating the many choices of meals could be fun.

  26. kribyfred

    I am soooo glad I found "Hypersonic Weight Loss"! I never knew planning and eating the many choices of meals could be fun.

  27. chascates

    And so the People were subject to the new Congress
    and a Great Disease came upon the Land.

    And the Filth that the Politicians sprayed from their mouths
    Also came forth from the orifices of the People.

  28. DoktorZoom

    I lost my entire pension plan in the collapse of the Gingerbread Mortgage Derivatives market. Turns out the gingerbread was the toxic asset.

  29. Pragmatist2

    God as my witness – true story.
    It's midnight and I get up and I want a snack and there was this gingerbread house but the grandkids have left and it will go in the trash tomorrow and I say to myself -"Hey, a little gingerbread and milk sounds good right now. " And I prepare my feast and turn to Wonkette to see what crap they are making up now. And I see this story.
    And do you think I am grateful because maybe you saved my life or spared me from a night of two front digestive nightmare? No. I am not grateful.
    I hate you for ruining my snack and as an American that is my right. Indeed, it is my duty.
    There. I feel better.

    1. Negropolis

      It is so good to hear that you won't be Rolfing from both ends.

      I remember back in elementary school we made gingerbread houses for Christmas to take home with us. What I remember most about them is that more of the houses ended up in our stomachs than on the display, and also that a lot of the ingredients are quite different from actual tasty candy, some ingredients were down-right unpleasant…but we ate them anyway because sugar (tasty or not) is the crack cocaine of childhood and youth.

    2. Ken Layne

      Now I can tell my kids, "Your daddy saved a life on Christmas."

      Of course I *took* some lives, too. But that wasn't on the Internet.

      /our gingerbread house came from Trader Joe's, and it's a real Nazi German house you have to build yourself, and if it's poison I won't ever know it because IT'S A DECORATION DON'T EAT THE STALE-ASS OLD GINGERBREAD COME ON JESUS.

  30. V572625694

    What makes this story especially poignant is that it was hoity-toity Whole Paycheck selling these certified organic houses of death.

    1. Negropolis

      Whole Foods is also just a faux-liberal front for a decidedly fiscally-conservative owner. I guess that shouldn't come as a surprise with it being Texas-based and all. I know it's based out of Austin, but the owner's originally from Houston.

      1. LocalGirlMakesGoo

        I vaguely recall a Whole Foods boycott when I lived in SF because the owner was a McCain supporter and gave big money to the RNC. But then again, it was San Francisco, and we were always (claiming to be) boycotting the shit outta everything.

      2. V572625694

        "Fiscally conservative"? Do we hate that in a knee-jerk way? Not sure what it means. Just askin, as 'they" say.

        Whole Foods is said (perhaps by its own PR machine) to provide real employee benefits, decent, pay, etc, and thus is a Walmart anodyne.

        1. Negropolis

          If I need to be more clear, how about that the guy has said he loves Ayn Rand and hates unions and health care reform with a passion. While I despise social conservatives, these "rugged individualists" aren't much better.

          Really, not a knee-jerk reaction, but recognizing that Whole Foods owner doesn't exactly reflect his stereotypical clientele, that's all.

  31. Neilist

    Those Gingerbread Houses were all built by Zionists on Palestinian land.

    No wonder they turned out to be poisoned.

    Either that, or the little kosher Gingerbread Men got ptomaine from the Chinese food that they always eat to celebrate murdering Our Lord And Savior.

    [Boy, you really learn a lot watching the Pat Robertson Christmas Special on CBN, you know?]

    1. finallyhappy

      We actually eat Chinese food to celebrate you people worshiping and celebrating the birth of a Jewish baby . I think you have Easter mixed up with Christmas-so be careful about eating those gingerbread rabbit hutches in March

        1. V572625694

          Puerto Rican, actually.

          BTW, did you know the three proofs that Jeebus is Italian?

          (1) Lived at home until he was 33
          (2) Thought his mother was a virgin
          (3) His mother thought he was god.

          1. Neilist

            No, no, NO, You Communist Pinko Liberal SKUM:

            Jaysus, Our Lord And Savior, was IRISH:

            (1) He was 33 years old, with no job.
            (2) He spent all his time hanging out with his mates.
            (3) His first miracle was the creation of alcohol out of water.

            Prof. Neilist
            Department of Guns and Comparative Religions
            Wonkette University, Glen Beck Memorial Campus

  32. chascates

    And let me add this from the Shining North Star, our own Christmas Wench:

    On behalf of the entire Palin family, I wish you a very Merry Christmas; and may the new year let you realize the promise found in 2 Timothy 1:7!
    - Sarah Palin
    “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.” (Isaiah 9:6)

    2 Timothy 1:7 is "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" whatever the hell that means.

    1. chascates

      Oh, one of SarahBear's followers explains 2 Timothy 1:7:

      – II Tim 1.7 is a good scripture for talking about 'a sound mind' vs the spirit of fear…which liberals just never solve any problems they create a whole host of new ones and then camPAIN they are the rescue people to solve they created and really they have no intention of solving anything they sabotagedl

      1. DoktorZoom

        Translation: "In the spirit of 2 Timothy 1:7, we must fight the evil liberals who spread fear, sabotage everything, and hate America!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

    2. ChessieNefercat

      And here I was thinking she realized how awful her Thanksgiving hate-a-rant sounded, and had decided to keep her piehole shut as a Christmas gift to a grateful nation. Shoulda known.

      Well, I suppose it is a gift from the media to a grateful nation that her fb gibbering is not a huge banner article on every news site along with her vicious, yet vacuous, cross-eyed face.

    3. Neilist

      You Heathen Communist Pinko Liberal SKUM clearly don't know your Bible very well.

      The only fitting passage is 2 Kings 9:30-37:

      When Jehu came to Jezreel, Jezebel heard of it, and she painted her eyes and adorned her head and looked out the window.

      As Jehu entered the gate, she said, "Is it well, Zimri, your master's murderer?"

      Then he lifted up his face to the window and said, "Who is on my side? Who?" And two or three officials looked down at him.

      He said, "Throw her down." So they threw her down, and some of her blood was sprinkled on the wall and on the horses, and he trampled her under foot.

      When he came in, he ate and drank; and he said, "See now to this cursed woman and bury her, for she is a king's daughter."

      They went to bury her, but they found nothing more of her than the skull and the feet and the palms of her hands.

      Therefore they returned and told him. And he said, "This is the word of the LORD, which He spoke by His servant Elijah the Tishbite, saying, 'In the property of Jezreel the dogs shall eat the flesh of Jezebel;

      and the corpse of Jezebel will be as dung on the face of the field in the property of Jezreel, so they cannot say, "This is Jezebel."

      [The "king's daughter" is a misprint. The original Greek in the Pentateuch read: "Eskimo Cunt."]

      Prof. Neilist, D.D.
      Department of Religion and Childrens' Fairy Tales
      Wonkette Community College

    4. Troubledog

      On behalf of the entire Palin family, some more Timothy!

      2:11-15
      (11) A woman[a] should learn in quietness and full submission.
      (12) I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man;[b] she must be quiet.
      (13) For Adam was formed first, then Eve.
      (14) And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.
      (15) But women[c] will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.

  33. Barbara_i

    Just think of it as the Bank of America robo signing off on a foreclosure of a gingerbread house in a little brownstone in your colon.

  34. wondering where i am

    It’s all down to the weeping and drunken fighting with what’s her name, your relative probably,

    Raises hand. Had a knock down with my sister last night. She was drunk. It was about her sweet college age daughter, my niece. This sterling representative of generation Zzzzz decided to explain to us why politics had no effect on her life and she would never vote, Obama accomplished nothing while he was president, only 2% of Californians had voted to legalize marijuana (probably the only political issue she ever cared about), etc. In sum every word that came out of her mouth was stupid and/or contrary to fact. So I begged to differ with her and Sis thought I was being mean to her little Snookums.

    WHY work to make this country better, if we are just going to hand it over to the likes of this girl?

    1. Barbara_i

      I spent 5.7 seconds on Facebook and read the rants of my niece, Brandy. She DEMANDS the repeal of socialized health care. I didn't have the heart to tell her that she is the only child of a Podiatrist, who makes most of his cash from medicaid and medicare patients, as he trims their toenails and Ka-CHING! another check from our dear Uncle Sam. I'd hate for the little Princess to have to shop at Payless and not have a fresh pair of Ugg boots for every outfit she wears to the Bama games, roll Tide! She also wants everyone to know that it is not "Happy Holidays!" Jesus, tap dancing Christ, its just the lazy person's way of saying "Merry Christmas AND Happy New YEAR!" and not a Muslim sign of the end of the world as we know it.

      1. nappyduggs

        Thank you, for this. If I have to listen to another screed about how we need to keep the "CHRIST" in Christmas, I am going to start my own holiday, called ShitGotdamnMutherfuckMas. Everybody-even the Christians-knows that Jesus was so not a Capricorn. But "that's when we choose to celebrate." Get the fuck out of my face. I didn't choose to celebrate this crap on the 25th of December. If so, I wouldn't have been born in early anuary, and stayed getting humped out of a proper birthday observation for the past 36 years. Sorry, but it's really just ridiculous now.

        1. Barbara_i

          I heard a rant about "happy holidays" For me, it's just a lazy person's way of saying "Merry Christmas AND Happy New Year" and not "Let's all buy the Muslim postage stamps and send anthrax to each other.

    2. HurricaneAli

      I can sympathize with you and Barbara, but only because I teach the youngs of which you speak at a land grant uni. I think what's going on here is a couple of things; they're in an "adult" situation for the first time (away from home) and therefore invincible, coupled with the fact that they have absolutely no clue how the world works beyond their home base and therefore you get a lot of parroting of familial politics. So you get them making these bold declarations (at family gatherings, oh joy) where more functioning relatives can shake their heads and sigh (and sometimes laugh). In my capacity I encourage them to research these issues and in two seconds they realize they're full of shit and just parroting their parents or whatever;
      it's a gentle way to steer them in another direction and, yes, I am one of those hippie liberal arts instructors who are the scourge of the assembly-line university system.

      God that was fucking long – my bad, it's 6am and I want to go back to sleep.

      1. problemwithcaring

        Keep fighting the good fight. I would have slapped a bitch, so your way sounds slightly more effective and more in the spirit of the holidays.

          1. Rarian Rakista

            It would be nice if some of them actually knew what Marxism – maybe even Post-Marxists like Zizek – stand for, instead of blaming them for the problems of Social Democracies, Authoritarian Regimes or failed Liberal policies. All of which have nothing to do with Marxism.

      2. PsycWench

        I salute you, sir. I'm at a much smaller school and their exposure to actual Muslim and Jewish students who, surprise surprise, worry about exams and their boy/girlfriends and get mad at their parents, well that accomplishes a lot. I have an assignment in which they have to take information about prejudices and look up several hate sites and apply that knowledge. Talk about eye openers.

        1. finallyhappy

          My daughter went to a midwest college(from the big city here). She was the first Jew some of her friends had known in person. She learned her politics from me and her dad so she is virtually a commie socialist

      3. Barbara_i

        I think they should be teaching my niece about the Presidential VETO in college, duh! She's in a sorority and they are always sending out letters, asking for donations. Put on a bikini and offer to wash trucks with confederate flag stickers and get the $5.00 up front.

  35. donner_froh

    Enough lard, refined white sugar and high fructose corn syrup neutralizes the Staphylococcus Aureus bacteria. They must have been skimping on one of those necessary ingredients at Rolf’s Patisserie.

  36. ShaveTheWhales

    Hola, wonketeering shitscum.

    A brief check in from my field trip to upper central Cali. It was quite nice. I was particularly pleased to realize that the next gen down (my in-law nephews and nieces) seem considerably more sensible than their parents. It's almost enough to make you think about "hope".

    Continue in your perversion. See you in a couple days.

    1. jim89048

      My nephew is a xtain fundie, and his sister is a serially-married octo-mom. I have NO faith in this next generation of tards.

  37. elviouslyqueer

    Today we are all drunken, family-loathing, Solstice-worshiping crankpants in dire need of a toxic gingerbread colonoscopy followed by a barium and eggnog chaser.

  38. schvitzatura

    From 8/2010 issue of Baking Management, re: Rolf's Patisserie:

    Lloyd and Ford Culbertson purchased the business in 1984 . . . Lloyd, a former investment banker is president of the company.

    Invest in some soap and water for your line workers, former I-banker scum!

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Hey! Lay off the investment bankers! We gotta protect the job-creators. Whoever got a job from a bacterium?

      1. Rarian Rakista

        Didn't we all evolved from bacteria and we have 10x the amount of bacteria in our bodies than all of our cells combined, so I would say all jobs are dependent on bacteria.

  39. bflrtsplk

    My Bank of America branch – er Banking Center – is made… from … Gin … ger …. Bread. Rolf!

  40. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Some members of my wife's side of the family had the brilliant idea of a Polish themed Christmas dinner. After a few bites I discreetly found a garbage can and disposed of the stuff. Look! Clean Plate!
    I later found out that prunes were part of the main dish. I might be having explosive diarrhea of my own here in sympathy with the ginger bread house victims. Merry Post Christmas Libtards!

  41. x111e7thst

    OT. It looks like the Barack Hussein administration will bring back by regulation the death panels it did not manage it achieve legislatively. I will spend some time this morning drawing up a list of suggested victims which I will be sending to the appropriate part of the bureaucracy as soon as I figure out what that is.

  42. ttommyunger

    Do not blame the FDA for delaying the warnings for a Month. Sales were a little slow this year and it took that long for the tainted items to clear the shelves. Need I remind you that our dear FDA exists to serve commerce, not the stupid, shit-spraying, projectile-vomiting public. That, sadly, is not snark, it is in their Charter.

    1. OneDollarJuana

      That's the same philosophy behind rebates. You pay full price, but maybe you won't cash in your rebate. Ka-ching! for the seller. And you pay sales tax, where applicable, on the full price. Ka-ching! for the state. Win-win. Sort of.

  43. weejee

    nausea, vomiting, stomach cramps and diarrhea
    a bunch of “year in review” articles

    Ken, are you telling us to get ready for a bunch of articles about Dick Cheney, Sarah & Bristol Palin, and either of Arizona's senate duo of Jon Piece of Shit Kyl and John Walnuts McShame?

  44. Steverino247

    Rolfs, where the Syph meets the Staph.

    Here at the Steverino household, we had a very functional family day with a great German dinner and political commentary we are were all in agreement with. We just couldn't call Sarah Palin a cunt because the word upsets my mother. And also because we didn't want the grandkids to ask their mothers on the next day's supervised visit what a "cunt" was because the only honest answer would be "It's a woman who left your daddy."

  45. HurricaneAli

    See, this is why you gotta make your own goddamned ginger bread – lazy fucks relying on store-bought crap. Down with store-bought baked goods! Except for donuts because they are really tasty and I cannot make them at home /sad

    1. BeWoot

      I've made donuts at home and they were delish. Funny thing, though, the actual recipe was for six donuts. Six! I ate the first batch before I finished the third. But yeah, store bought is for people dependent on hot plates and toaster ovens.

  46. elpinche

    A Merry Christmas(tm) Message from Jesus and FoxNews & Friends:

    http://www&shy;.peopleofw­almart.com­/?p=26736

    Watch FoxNews and shop until you shit yourself, if you love Jesus.

  47. GregComlish

    We had to reach back to the 80s hairband Poison? Oh what? Does somebody think they are too good to make a reference to Bell Biv DeVoe?? "That Gingerbread house is Pooooooiiiiiiiison. Got to get her out my system. Poison. POISON. Poison. POISON"

  48. Sassomatic

    This is clearly a conspiracy to kill off that communist Santa Clause with his socialist one-world government ambitions.

  49. finallyhappy

    I did drink soy eggnog in honor of your holiday. I also watched 6 or 7 versions of Christmas Carol(I remember Kelsey Grammer, Patrick Stewart, George C. Scott, Vanessa Williams, Aliastair Sims and a cartoon version which had the voice of Kate Winslet and her sister) . God bless you, every wonketteer!

  50. bitchincamaro2

    Real America is gorging on raw cookie dough, not gingerbread. It's in the bill o' rights.

    Happy new world order, Wankers.

  51. Dimitrios_M

    Is there some special medical test to tell one whether the nausea, vomiting, stomach cramps and diarrhoea is from Staphylococcus Aureus bacteria, and not just my body's normal reaction to close habitation with my in-laws?

  52. icanhazpbr

    I shop at the WF on Ashland and School. I don't know anything about the gingerbread cookies, but I do regularly dip my balls in the mashed sweet potatoes on the hot buffet, so that might be part of the problem.

  53. Bluestatelibel

    In my Repubatard family, holidays are always a good time for subverting the young 'uns. Just remind them how uncool their boring, suburban Republican parents are, and ask them if that's how they want to be when they grow up. Works like a charm.

  54. weejee

    Happy Boxing day Limeylizzie and the rest of you pommies (diaspora, bastards, or no). Is this sorta like the Hobbits' second breakfasts but with a holiday instead of a meal?

  55. BarackMyWorld

    This gingerbread housing crisis happened because the government forced the mortgage companies to make bad loaves, and not because of a lack of baking regulations.

  56. user-of-owls

    It's possible that if you get the vomiting, you might make a noise that sounds like urbi. But it is almost certain that if you get the diarrhea, your anus won't be producing any orbi.

  57. Cicada

    I'm tired of people wanting the nanny-state to protect us from every little thing. If you're so worried about a little food-poisoning, do what I do and eat nothing but Flamin' Hot Cheetos and Bud Light Lime. Nothing lives in that shit, and my neighbors stopped complaining about the odor from my septic tank a few years back.

    Sack up, nancies!

  58. voodooeconomics

    I ate mine and washed it down with Jose Cuervo. Jose is good for any kind of Montezuma revenge; in this case JC is pissed off at something.

  59. Steverino247

    I don't know. Is it cheaper to have the Agriculture Department inspect gingerbread houses or the local building inspectors?

  60. bagofmice

    On a serious note, if Anyones NYE resolution is to drink less, or stop, beware. Alcohol is a he'll of a drug, and the stopping cold is a massive strain on your heart. Had a friend die that way. Make sure you have backup booze, and when the hallucinations kick in, drink more. Also have plenty of Gatorade, with electrolytes. It has what drunks need.
    Use a professional monitoring service.
    Worst christmas ever!

    1. PsycWench

      Alcohol is probably the only drug that can kill you from an overdose OR from withdrawal. And yet it's legal and widely available. Go figure.

  61. Negropolis

    Ah! The day after Christmas. I can't not tell you how much better a mood I'm in. I'm damn-near optimistic, today. Seriously.

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Considering the founder is an hippy-dippy libertardian who came out against health-insurance reform (since the uninsured are ignorant & unhealthy, thus deserving their fate), I am not surprised, really.

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