BARRY CAN YOU HEAR ME?  4:00 pm December 24, 2010

Barack Obama Wishes You a Gay Military Industrial Christmas

by Sara Benincasa

Lube up your candy canes!Happy happy Christmas week, you elf-fellating scum! Yes, it’s time for the Season of Lying to Children about the existence of any one of a number of Magical Miracle Men. To truly get in the Christmas spirit, I suggest you cut down a Druid’s tree, set a sacred pagan grove on fire, and start an apocalyptic desert cult that grows into the world’s oldest and largest child-fuckery concern. Make it an LLC, or pretend it is “nonprofit,” whichever suits your tastes! And now, on to the worship of the One True God, Barack Hussein Obama.

On Friday, the preznit went to an elementary school in Arlington, Virginia. The tiny rich imps squealed and shrieked, and then the prezzydent read from “Of Thee I Sing,” the Creative Memories (TM) scrapbook he put together between sponge-painting the front bathroom (the one with the seashell theme!) and having the girls over for Bunco. Then he moved on to “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” and oh, it was so cute. When the children yelled, “Encore! Encore! Encore!” he pretended to walk out of the library, then smiled winningly, bounded back onto the carpet, and totally wailed on a killer 8-minute version of “My Pet Goat.” (Haha, it is really called “The Pet Goat,” did you know this?) After that, he paused while Michelle Obama appeared, leaned down, and whispered in his ear, “I am gonna blow those two big black symbols of American excess UP tonight.” This is what the Obamas talk about when they talk about Barack’s balls, and the oral sex that will temporarily empty them of some of their contents. Never forget.

After that, he met with some people who know a bunch about labor, not like the kind where your wife shot your screaming, wet, red, ugly, improbably-stupid varmint out her pussy (yeah right, she totally had an elective C-section with a tummy tuck), but the kind where people work. Did you know that Hilda Solis, Secretary of Labor, is really pretty? She is. I hope I look that pretty when I am older and also a Secretary of Labor.

Christmas miracle alert! At about 1:19, you get to see the back of Deputy Director of Oval Office Operations Brian Mosteller, who is my own true love and who has been mentioned countless times in this very space. What are you doing New Year’s Eve, Brian? The answer could quite possibly be “me,” not as in you, but as in ME. Email sara@sarabenincasa.com for further information.

On Monday, the president signed the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act, taking all the fun out of having kids.

On Tuesday, Barry ran into Secretary of Commerce Gary Locke. Everybody in D.C. knows Gary is good for one thing and one thing only, so Bammerz whispered, “Yo, you holding?” “You know it,” Gary said, and that’s how Barry scored a hot copy of the 2010 U.S. Census Report. It said that the browns will murder us all in our sleep sooner or later, and that Nat Turner will be elected King. But you knew that. This was therefore a good day for the prazzledent to meet with the Congressional Hispanic Caucus. High-fives all around!

On Wednesday, something beautiful happened. Here is some shit that actually made me cry, for realz. Watch from about 3:09 on to 3:50 and if you like homos (I do) and/or sometimes are one (I am, 35% of the time) then I dare you not to feel a wee bit emotional. Watch Barney Frank cry at 3:40! Sure, our military industrial complex is Mostly Evil, but isn’t it nice that the faggers and dykelings can be a part of it if they want to? Yes, yes it is.

On Thursday, Barry flew away to the Sovereign Nation of Hawai’i, where he is Coconut King, to lick Tom Selleck’s mustache or something.

And that’s about it for this week. Merry Christmas to all you fuckers, and to all a good fucking night!

Sara Benincasa will be distributing special presents to all imps and faggers and dykelings and prazzledents tonight. Act like you are not awake, probably!

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 121 comments }

V572625694 December 24, 2010 at 4:05 pm

"you elf-fellating scum"…damn, did I leave the Webcam on again?

Merry Christmas, all!

PublicLuxury December 24, 2010 at 4:08 pm

As long as Barry doesn't empty his balls on the Oval Office carpet, it'll be fine. The 'Merikans are not paying for anymore carpet cleaning.

Sassomatic December 24, 2010 at 4:12 pm

Pffft. Barry's taking a vacation and Muslims don't even celebrate Christmas. When will the lies end?

iburl December 24, 2010 at 5:35 pm

This is what I like about Wonkette. Things that would pass for normal on breitbart and prisonplanet.com become obvious jokes here.
Merry Christmas.

Sassomatic December 24, 2010 at 6:10 pm

Sigh. I know. Totally off my game. I deserved that.

jim89048 December 24, 2010 at 7:26 pm

Yeah, everything is funny to Wonkette…

Fare la Volpe December 25, 2010 at 12:45 am

That's Wonkett, dear. Cougs McCain has final say on the matter.

Negropolis December 25, 2010 at 2:07 pm

I don't know, man. Down the road from me in Dearborn a whole lot of Muslim's celebrate Christmas, but only the secular aspect of it, of course. Hell, one of the elementary schools even rented a Santa to hand out gifts.

Sassomatic December 25, 2010 at 2:57 pm

In Turkey they think New Year's and Christmas are the same thing, so they put up Christmas trees and have really pathetic looking Santas out on the streets handing out fliers. Then on New Year's day everyone tells you Merry Christmas.

x111e7thst December 24, 2010 at 4:15 pm

I had in fact given up fellating elves for Lent, so I don't know what you are talking about.

mereoblivion December 26, 2010 at 1:12 pm

The Lent that ended last spring or the one that starts later this winter?

PsycWench December 24, 2010 at 4:19 pm

So Barry read to kids, listened to semi-important information, signed stuff, got emotional and then had to go somewhere. I didn't even know he was a mom.

nounverb911 December 24, 2010 at 4:36 pm

I bet that Barry can finish "My Pet Goat" in one sitting.

Negropolis December 25, 2010 at 12:18 am

He's a mom with a penis, otherwise known as a "mad" or a "dom."

chascates December 24, 2010 at 4:19 pm

God bless us, every one.

Mindblank December 25, 2010 at 9:03 am

….except for *that* one. But yeah.

jim89048 December 24, 2010 at 4:21 pm

See? I told you Ken would make you work today!

Pragmatist2 December 24, 2010 at 4:31 pm

And a Merry Fucking Christmas to you!

ttommyunger December 24, 2010 at 4:36 pm

"Son, you're going to be President of the United States someday." Thank God my mother was a lying bitch.

SexySmurf December 24, 2010 at 4:37 pm

if you like homos (I do) and/or sometimes are one (I am, 35% of the time)

Pics or GTFO.

V572625694 December 24, 2010 at 4:39 pm

Pics of GTFO?

harry_palmer December 24, 2010 at 4:38 pm

What if you're a self-fellating elf? Blowing your elf-fellating self?

jim89048 December 24, 2010 at 4:44 pm

Mind=blown.

bagofmice December 24, 2010 at 6:22 pm

Head=blown.

MuslinMosk December 25, 2010 at 4:18 pm

Dick=blown.

Negropolis December 25, 2010 at 10:02 pm

Lucky bastard.

Jukesgrrl December 24, 2010 at 5:19 pm

Then might be having sex with your perfect dreamboat.

DoktorZoom December 24, 2010 at 6:00 pm

Far better than being a MILF-inflating sylph.

imissopus December 24, 2010 at 9:26 pm

I actually read it as "self-fellating scum" and thought Yes indeed, why do you think I'm staying home for Christmas?

Pop_Socket December 25, 2010 at 12:02 am

Video or it didn't happen.

Negropolis December 25, 2010 at 12:20 am

That sounds like one hand, clapping, I hear.

WABishop December 25, 2010 at 9:05 am

And to think I saw it on Mulberry Street!

Monsieur_Grumpe December 24, 2010 at 4:49 pm

White House furry Brian Mosteller seems to have caught Sara's eye. Bunny suits are kind of hot… I guess.
http://www.prospect.org/csnc/blogs/tapped_archive

nappyduggs December 24, 2010 at 4:53 pm

Little known fact: Elves are hung like reindeer.

Rarian Rakista December 24, 2010 at 6:18 pm

Do they taste like Reindeer?

angryclownspawn December 24, 2010 at 6:27 pm

Taste like chicken

WABishop December 25, 2010 at 9:06 am

In my house they are hung like coats.

WhatTheHeck December 24, 2010 at 5:13 pm

So Sara, what would you like in your stocking tonight? I mean… from the guy coming down your chimney.

bumfug December 24, 2010 at 6:07 pm

"…the guy coming down your chimney." Is that code?

Come here a minute December 24, 2010 at 5:14 pm

Sara, you have been so bad, Santa is not going to leave you coal, he is going to slide down your chimney (not a metaphor! jeez…) and steal all your stuff. You're gonna wish you never even heard the name Santa.

Jukesgrrl December 24, 2010 at 5:20 pm

Geez, I thought one of you guys would offer to spank her. Where's the love?

DoktorZoom December 24, 2010 at 6:02 pm

Oh little elf! Little elf!

PsycWench December 25, 2010 at 11:10 am

"Away in a Manger" in a Billie Holiday voice or GTFO.

gullywompr December 24, 2010 at 5:37 pm

Did you know that Bams took the entire Pacific Fleet with him to Hawaii? How much is that costing us? Exactly – gazillions.

finallyhappy December 24, 2010 at 5:39 pm

Yeah, well, we served food at a shelter, saw A MOVIE and now we will eat Chinese food because that is what Jews do(well ,not religious Jews because it is the Shabbat, after all)

Steverino247 December 24, 2010 at 5:49 pm

Oh, shit! I ate Chinese left-overs for lunch! Does that make me Jewish? Or is that only if my mother had Chinese, too? I'm confused.

WhatTheHeck December 24, 2010 at 6:07 pm

What's important after eating Chinese food on Christmas, wether Jewish or not, is being able to say: “Deck the harrs with boughs of horry…”

finallyhappy December 24, 2010 at 6:02 pm

If you also saw a movie in a movie theater today- you are now jewish- or if your mom ate Chinese and saw a movie in a theater – that works too! If your dad did it- you are only a reform Jew.

DoktorZoom December 24, 2010 at 6:15 pm

I am one happy Yule-ignorer myself–my married lover just dropped by with my Xmas present, which consisted of a bottle of Johnnie Walker and an officially-licensed Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. Now all I need is the Charlie Brown plushie that talks about how depressing Christmas is when you pull his string.

Rarian Rakista December 24, 2010 at 6:19 pm
bagofmice December 24, 2010 at 6:27 pm

I got to puke like a boss. Four times!

Neilist December 24, 2010 at 6:30 pm

Sara, please:

That's "Communist Pinko Liberal Elf-Fellating SKUM."

And you have any pictures of those 35% incidents? If so, please post ASAP.

Have A Happy NRA Christmas

Neilist
Loading up the Remington for those "Reindeer Games"

Blendergoathead December 24, 2010 at 6:30 pm

Speaking of elf-fellators… hey Benincasa! Just *how* did you land that A-list gig of deciding the Duke awards over on TPM? Heennnggghhhh?

sarabenincasa December 24, 2010 at 8:39 pm

Being FUCKING awesome is how I landed that gig, bitch.

elpinche December 24, 2010 at 11:00 pm

Heheheheh..you have 69 pee points..heheheheh heheheheh.

Negropolis December 25, 2010 at 12:25 am

Ha! Well played, Sara; well played.

Beowoof December 25, 2010 at 11:32 pm

And I read that being as been.

horsedreamer_1 December 25, 2010 at 8:38 pm

I have started to imagine that final question, first uttered by WALNUTS!, as a Chewbacca tribute.

BaldarTFlagass December 24, 2010 at 6:34 pm

I totally read Sara's post with that badass piano tune "Linus and Lucy" from Charlie Brown Christmas playing in my head. Thank you Vince Guaraldi.

TanzbodenKoenig December 24, 2010 at 7:04 pm

Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays, you worthly Wokett Skum!

Bluestatelibel December 24, 2010 at 7:10 pm

I actually think Santa would get "quite the kick" out of our Sara, so refreshing after the endless insipid cookies and whining brats. God bless us all, every foul-mouthed little one of us.

DashboardBuddha December 25, 2010 at 12:17 am

Merry fucking Christmas, BSL!

chascates December 24, 2010 at 8:17 pm

Lest you think even a national holiday of good cheer and sharing should be free of ideological taint I give you the 'Conservative' Night before Christmas:
http://www.examiner.com/conservative-in-pittsburg

What with Ann Coulter screeching that Liberals are the real Scrooges: http://townhall.com/columnists/AnnCoulter/2010/12
And Fox News complaining about the NBA (filled with very urban players) scheduling games on the alleged date of the birth of Yeshua (the original Hebrew proper name for Jesus of Nazareth): http://mediamatters.org/blog/201012230009

remember the true meaning of the season: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas#Economics

Also: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1loyjm4SOa0

Also.

Happy Festivus, everyone!

elpinche December 24, 2010 at 10:57 pm

I just read "'Conservative' Night before Christmas", and now I want death .

But we should feel jesusy for giving the guy the only two views of that awful post

DoktorZoom December 25, 2010 at 1:15 am

Oy, that first link:

"But in a panic Obama, he set to a deal
With Republicans he put in motion the wheel."

Jayzus, that's just painful. Isn't it against the Geneva Conventions to do something like that to the English language?

GunTotingProgressive December 25, 2010 at 10:20 am

Who knew Yoda was a teabagger?

DoktorZoom December 25, 2010 at 12:59 pm

Heh..I see our resident troll has been spending Xmas morning voting comments down–there's a whole bunch of zero-pee posts in this thread at the moment.

Attention, troll: Keep up the important work! The Great Ideological Struggle of the Age will be determined by the comment rating system on a blog somewhere!

Neilist December 25, 2010 at 11:34 pm

Troll? Resident Troll?

That's "Resident Ass-Troll" to you, Sir!

Radiotherapy December 25, 2010 at 3:35 am

So Föx employees have Christmas day off? Really? fuckin' assholes.

transfatz December 25, 2010 at 4:43 am

And a prosperous Idealogical Taint to you!

WABishop December 25, 2010 at 9:11 am

I think the first link is giving me computer cooties.

undeterredbyreality December 24, 2010 at 8:42 pm

Tonight we are all self-fellating elves. Or is that elf-fellating selves? I forget.

LetUsBray December 24, 2010 at 9:56 pm

Hey, I told the elves that until they got better about washing they could just settle for hand jobs. You have to set some limits.

And a happy Birthday of the Unconquered Sun to everyone!

mrblifil December 24, 2010 at 10:17 pm

If I could self-fellate, I wouldn't need the INTERNETZ.

Oh. Elf-fellate? Look that dude told me he was a chick, and then it turned out the present "she" had for me was a dick and a box.

WABishop December 25, 2010 at 9:12 am

I'd never leave the house!

Wait, I already never leave the house.

Beowoof December 25, 2010 at 11:37 pm

I would go out to work, and then probably spend half the day in my office with the door closed.

mumbly_joe December 24, 2010 at 10:49 pm

start an apocalyptic desert cult that grows into the world’s oldest and largest child-fuckery concern

You know, that apocalyptic bit was always the thing that gets me, whenever someone pretends that the sacred ghost stories from aforementioned apocalyptic desert death-cult have anything meaningful to say about "courtship" or whatever those crazy kids 50 years ago called finger-banging, and also "family values" and so on. No they didn't, when Paul wrote his business, everyone was sure that Jeebus would come back any day now and everything, so why bother with raising families, or finger-banging, or anything like that, especially if it might make Jeebus frown. That's why SELL ALL YOUR POSSESSIONS seems like a good idea, and so forth, after all; it's not like there's any need for it, once the aliens hiding behind the Hale-Bopp comet Son of Zeus Odin YHWH comes back for us.

In fact, this is actually why Paul was so avid in writing his business in the first place for that matter: they didn't reproduce, they had to recruit, etc. etc.

WABishop December 25, 2010 at 9:14 am

Also, belief in the apocalypse means you can justify anything in the present, since you don't have to worry about real-world consequences in the future.

Oblios_Cap December 25, 2010 at 10:58 am

I hear Bristol Palin's setting up the cult's HQ as we speak…

Negropolis December 25, 2010 at 2:05 pm

they didn't reproduce, they had to recruit

Whenever I hear that talking point, now, I can't help but laughing out loud. Seriously.

VinnyThePooh December 24, 2010 at 10:56 pm

Did somebody remember to send Shaker Weights to Mann Coulter for Christmas?

elpinche December 24, 2010 at 11:20 pm

And tonight let us celebrate the anniversary of the whelping of the alien offspring of Jesus Christ (aka. Obama) by buying ipads, Chilis gift cards, and stretch jeans .

May the new year begin with joy as we prepare for another election season filled with delightful comedy and human retardation.

lulzmonger December 24, 2010 at 11:22 pm

♫ ♫ ElfNutz roasting on an open fire … ♫ ♫

Pop_Socket December 25, 2010 at 12:05 am

Fucking with children is the best part of Christmas. And I mean that in the metaphorical sense only.

DashboardBuddha December 25, 2010 at 12:17 am

Happy Hogswatch, all!

HistoriCat December 26, 2010 at 10:03 pm

Yes, the sun will come up tomorrow!

Fare la Volpe December 25, 2010 at 12:57 am

the oral sex that will temporarily empty them of some of their contents. Never forget.

Unf, how could I? Barry Baby, just drop a present right on my face.

Sorry, Fare hasn't been laid in 2 months and it's starting to get to me. I've taken to downing white wine and humping the couch like a dog while fantasizing about my exes. And in the end, isn't that what Christmas is all about?

Have a Merry one, you elf-fellating turds!

mumbly_joe December 25, 2010 at 10:06 am

Oh, Fare. I, for one, would certainly wish to offer to extend my comfort to you this Holiday season. After all, what is this, if not the season for giving, of oneself, unto others?

Neilist December 25, 2010 at 3:35 pm

Fave:

Care to draw the large caliber repeater from my pants?

Well, okay, the rusty Red Ryder Daisy air rifle from my briefs?

::::Sigh::::

fuflans December 25, 2010 at 1:15 am

oh hey wonkette! have a merry x-mas or christmas or festival of lights or kwanza or new years or elf garden gnome festival or whatever pleases.

and please, come back next year as a year w/out wonkette is a year w/out sunshine or booze and way too many republicans from random places like AK or AZ which until recently didn't really exist. and still shouldn't.

SheriffRoscoe December 25, 2010 at 2:20 am

I made Baby Jesus's favorite birthday rum cake tonight. My secret is to soak my nuts in rum for nearly a week. Don't forget the baby Jesus, you godless motherfuckers.

elpinche December 25, 2010 at 3:29 pm

Rum..it softens your scrotes while family and friends enjoy the sweet and salty festivus rum cake.

transfatz December 25, 2010 at 4:45 am

Thank you Sara, may we have another?

Jukesgrrl December 25, 2010 at 6:22 am

Holiday greetings to all the Wonkerazzi from Arizona. We have did everything we could this year to amaze you utterly.

Neilist December 25, 2010 at 3:33 pm

Ass-tound and Ass-pall would be more accurate.

Great gun laws in Arizona, though . . . .

Mindblank December 25, 2010 at 9:06 am

Today, we are all merry elves on the watch for some fellatin'.

voodooeconomics December 25, 2010 at 9:07 am

Sara Benincasa made me feel dizzy with this article. Just too much information for a X-mas morning.

WABishop December 25, 2010 at 9:18 am

I've got your Druid’s tree right here, baby!

x111e7thst December 25, 2010 at 9:34 am

I am concerned that in this sad time of increasing commercialization the true spirit of Saturnalia is getting lost. There seem to be fewer and fewer drunken orgies, tomfoolery and reversal of social roles, more and more time is instead spent at the mall.

Barbara_i December 25, 2010 at 10:45 am

Merry Christmas bitches! Hope you all enjoy your reindeer games!

donner_froh December 25, 2010 at 10:58 am

I initially read "elf-fellating scum" as elk-fellating scum and thought that Sara had toned down her Christmas message from oral sex with a mythical demon spirit from Hell to a much more sedate oral sex with a huge animal.

Thank goodness I was mistaken.

Wadisay December 25, 2010 at 11:03 am

Joe Biden thinks it's inevitable that he's going to be gay married. Won't Jill be surprised!

Oblios_Cap December 25, 2010 at 11:22 am

<A href "= http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P37xPiRz1sg"&gt; Merry Christmas From the Family.

jim89048 December 25, 2010 at 12:06 pm

P for that. I saw REK do that live at the Catalyst in Santa Cruz 9 or 10 years ago; I've never been the same since.

DoktorZoom December 25, 2010 at 1:10 pm

Absolutely lovely, and now tied with Tim Minchin's White Wine in the Sun for my favorite Christmas song.

Oblios_Cap December 26, 2010 at 9:52 am

Thanks for sharing. I've never heard that. Great lyrics.

elpinche December 25, 2010 at 3:37 pm

Glorious…I almost missed that one this xmas. It's just one of those things I gotta see or hear during the holidays (e.g. BIng Crosby Christmas Classics and Christmas Story) .

MoeDeLawn December 27, 2010 at 10:34 am

a little late but bless you. REK takes the edge off back-to-work…

rhshark December 25, 2010 at 11:39 am

Merry Christmas Sara.

Neilist December 25, 2010 at 3:32 pm

I love that joke.

freetheleaf December 25, 2010 at 4:16 pm

BEST PRESENT EVER. for 40,000+ reasons.
visit——&gt ;www.facebook.com/free.the.leaf
cannabis=industry.medicine.peace.

BeWoot December 25, 2010 at 5:07 pm

I'm disappointed. It's Christmas Day and I thought surely Ken would at least make Riley work, probably Jack, too. But no. Apparently we're here without adult supervision.

GunTotingProgressive December 25, 2010 at 5:28 pm

Seriously. Doesn't Ken have a few Jooz on his staff for just such an emergency?

BeWoot December 25, 2010 at 8:05 pm

Good point. Guess they all went out for Chinese then an hour later they had to go out for it again. And again.

alaninthecastro December 25, 2010 at 7:54 pm

The NFL is asking us to thank the American service people stationed in 175 countries around the world. Can someone please explain why there are 17 countries in the world we are not presently occupying?

PresBeeblebrox December 25, 2010 at 7:59 pm

If Obama is the One True God, does that make all of us terrorist supporters of the Soldiers of The One?

Negropolis December 25, 2010 at 10:00 pm

How existential.

Yep, you're drunk, now.

tribbzthesquidz December 25, 2010 at 9:52 pm

Happy Hollandaise liberal insect trash! Wassail! Wassail!
Taking a break from the drinking, sobbing, and compulsive genital clutching to wish everyone warm, wet, and safe Xmasses and Hanukkahs and so forth.

HeraSentMe December 26, 2010 at 9:33 am

I'd forgotten why I stopped clicking on this Wonkette "feature", so I did again.

Now I remember. You aren't funny, Sara.

mereoblivion December 26, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Dear Sara,
Which 35%?
love, m.o.

hollywoodmeme December 27, 2010 at 2:27 pm

Thank you Barack. Are you gay or lesbian and serving in the military? Thank you for your service! Join http://OutMilitary.com and be counted!

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: