barry can you hear me?

Barack Obama Wishes You a Gay Military Industrial Christmas

Lube up your candy canes!Happy happy Christmas week, you elf-fellating scum! Yes, it’s time for the Season of Lying to Children about the existence of any one of a number of Magical Miracle Men. To truly get in the Christmas spirit, I suggest you cut down a Druid’s tree, set a sacred pagan grove on fire, and start an apocalyptic desert cult that grows into the world’s oldest and largest child-fuckery concern. Make it an LLC, or pretend it is “nonprofit,” whichever suits your tastes! And now, on to the worship of the One True God, Barack Hussein Obama.

On Friday, the preznit went to an elementary school in Arlington, Virginia. The tiny rich imps squealed and shrieked, and then the prezzydent read from “Of Thee I Sing,” the Creative Memories (TM) scrapbook he put together between sponge-painting the front bathroom (the one with the seashell theme!) and having the girls over for Bunco. Then he moved on to “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” and oh, it was so cute. When the children yelled, “Encore! Encore! Encore!” he pretended to walk out of the library, then smiled winningly, bounded back onto the carpet, and totally wailed on a killer 8-minute version of “My Pet Goat.” (Haha, it is really called “The Pet Goat,” did you know this?) After that, he paused while Michelle Obama appeared, leaned down, and whispered in his ear, “I am gonna blow those two big black symbols of American excess UP tonight.” This is what the Obamas talk about when they talk about Barack’s balls, and the oral sex that will temporarily empty them of some of their contents. Never forget.

After that, he met with some people who know a bunch about labor, not like the kind where your wife shot your screaming, wet, red, ugly, improbably-stupid varmint out her pussy (yeah right, she totally had an elective C-section with a tummy tuck), but the kind where people work. Did you know that Hilda Solis, Secretary of Labor, is really pretty? She is. I hope I look that pretty when I am older and also a Secretary of Labor.

Christmas miracle alert! At about 1:19, you get to see the back of Deputy Director of Oval Office Operations Brian Mosteller, who is my own true love and who has been mentioned countless times in this very space. What are you doing New Year’s Eve, Brian? The answer could quite possibly be “me,” not as in you, but as in ME. Email sara@sarabenincasa.com for further information.

On Monday, the president signed the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act, taking all the fun out of having kids.

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On Tuesday, Barry ran into Secretary of Commerce Gary Locke. Everybody in D.C. knows Gary is good for one thing and one thing only, so Bammerz whispered, “Yo, you holding?” “You know it,” Gary said, and that’s how Barry scored a hot copy of the 2010 U.S. Census Report. It said that the browns will murder us all in our sleep sooner or later, and that Nat Turner will be elected King. But you knew that. This was therefore a good day for the prazzledent to meet with the Congressional Hispanic Caucus. High-fives all around!

On Wednesday, something beautiful happened. Here is some shit that actually made me cry, for realz. Watch from about 3:09 on to 3:50 and if you like homos (I do) and/or sometimes are one (I am, 35% of the time) then I dare you not to feel a wee bit emotional. Watch Barney Frank cry at 3:40! Sure, our military industrial complex is Mostly Evil, but isn’t it nice that the faggers and dykelings can be a part of it if they want to? Yes, yes it is.

On Thursday, Barry flew away to the Sovereign Nation of Hawai’i, where he is Coconut King, to lick Tom Selleck’s mustache or something.

And that’s about it for this week. Merry Christmas to all you fuckers, and to all a good fucking night!

Sara Benincasa will be distributing special presents to all imps and faggers and dykelings and prazzledents tonight. Act like you are not awake, probably!

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About the author

Sara Benincasa is an award-winning comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, and has earned her an ECNY (Emerging Comedian of New York) Award and a Webby nomination. Her memoir, "Agorafabulous!: Dispatches From My Bedroom," (William Morrow/HarperCollins), was based on her critically acclaimed solo show about panic attacks and agoraphobia. She is currently working on a novel for young adults.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa

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121 comments

  1. PublicLuxury

    As long as Barry doesn't empty his balls on the Oval Office carpet, it'll be fine. The 'Merikans are not paying for anymore carpet cleaning.

  2. Sassomatic

    Pffft. Barry's taking a vacation and Muslims don't even celebrate Christmas. When will the lies end?

    1. iburl

      This is what I like about Wonkette. Things that would pass for normal on breitbart and prisonplanet.com become obvious jokes here.
      Merry Christmas.

    2. Negropolis

      I don't know, man. Down the road from me in Dearborn a whole lot of Muslim's celebrate Christmas, but only the secular aspect of it, of course. Hell, one of the elementary schools even rented a Santa to hand out gifts.

      1. Sassomatic

        In Turkey they think New Year's and Christmas are the same thing, so they put up Christmas trees and have really pathetic looking Santas out on the streets handing out fliers. Then on New Year's day everyone tells you Merry Christmas.

  3. PsycWench

    So Barry read to kids, listened to semi-important information, signed stuff, got emotional and then had to go somewhere. I didn't even know he was a mom.

  4. ttommyunger

    "Son, you're going to be President of the United States someday." Thank God my mother was a lying bitch.

  5. WhatTheHeck

    So Sara, what would you like in your stocking tonight? I mean… from the guy coming down your chimney.

  6. Come here a minute

    Sara, you have been so bad, Santa is not going to leave you coal, he is going to slide down your chimney (not a metaphor! jeez…) and steal all your stuff. You're gonna wish you never even heard the name Santa.

  7. gullywompr

    Did you know that Bams took the entire Pacific Fleet with him to Hawaii? How much is that costing us? Exactly – gazillions.

  8. finallyhappy

    Yeah, well, we served food at a shelter, saw A MOVIE and now we will eat Chinese food because that is what Jews do(well ,not religious Jews because it is the Shabbat, after all)

    1. Steverino247

      Oh, shit! I ate Chinese left-overs for lunch! Does that make me Jewish? Or is that only if my mother had Chinese, too? I'm confused.

    2. WhatTheHeck

      What's important after eating Chinese food on Christmas, wether Jewish or not, is being able to say: “Deck the harrs with boughs of horry…”

  9. finallyhappy

    If you also saw a movie in a movie theater today- you are now jewish- or if your mom ate Chinese and saw a movie in a theater – that works too! If your dad did it- you are only a reform Jew.

  10. DoktorZoom

    I am one happy Yule-ignorer myself–my married lover just dropped by with my Xmas present, which consisted of a bottle of Johnnie Walker and an officially-licensed Charlie Brown Christmas Tree. Now all I need is the Charlie Brown plushie that talks about how depressing Christmas is when you pull his string.

  11. Neilist

    Sara, please:

    That's "Communist Pinko Liberal Elf-Fellating SKUM."

    And you have any pictures of those 35% incidents? If so, please post ASAP.

    Have A Happy NRA Christmas

    Neilist
    Loading up the Remington for those "Reindeer Games"

  12. Blendergoathead

    Speaking of elf-fellators… hey Benincasa! Just *how* did you land that A-list gig of deciding the Duke awards over on TPM? Heennnggghhhh?

    1. horsedreamer_1

      I have started to imagine that final question, first uttered by WALNUTS!, as a Chewbacca tribute.

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    I totally read Sara's post with that badass piano tune "Linus and Lucy" from Charlie Brown Christmas playing in my head. Thank you Vince Guaraldi.

  14. Bluestatelibel

    I actually think Santa would get "quite the kick" out of our Sara, so refreshing after the endless insipid cookies and whining brats. God bless us all, every foul-mouthed little one of us.

  15. chascates

    Lest you think even a national holiday of good cheer and sharing should be free of ideological taint I give you the 'Conservative' Night before Christmas:
    http://www.examiner.com/conservative-in-pittsburg

    What with Ann Coulter screeching that Liberals are the real Scrooges: http://townhall.com/columnists/AnnCoulter/2010/12
    And Fox News complaining about the NBA (filled with very urban players) scheduling games on the alleged date of the birth of Yeshua (the original Hebrew proper name for Jesus of Nazareth): http://mediamatters.org/blog/201012230009

    remember the true meaning of the season: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas#Economics

    Also: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1loyjm4SOa0

    Also.

    Happy Festivus, everyone!

    1. elpinche

      I just read "'Conservative' Night before Christmas", and now I want death .

      But we should feel jesusy for giving the guy the only two views of that awful post

    2. DoktorZoom

      Oy, that first link:

      "But in a panic Obama, he set to a deal
      With Republicans he put in motion the wheel."

      Jayzus, that's just painful. Isn't it against the Geneva Conventions to do something like that to the English language?

        1. DoktorZoom

          Heh..I see our resident troll has been spending Xmas morning voting comments down–there's a whole bunch of zero-pee posts in this thread at the moment.

          Attention, troll: Keep up the important work! The Great Ideological Struggle of the Age will be determined by the comment rating system on a blog somewhere!

  16. LetUsBray

    Hey, I told the elves that until they got better about washing they could just settle for hand jobs. You have to set some limits.

    And a happy Birthday of the Unconquered Sun to everyone!

  17. mrblifil

    If I could self-fellate, I wouldn't need the INTERNETZ.

    Oh. Elf-fellate? Look that dude told me he was a chick, and then it turned out the present "she" had for me was a dick and a box.

  18. mumbly_joe

    start an apocalyptic desert cult that grows into the world’s oldest and largest child-fuckery concern

    You know, that apocalyptic bit was always the thing that gets me, whenever someone pretends that the sacred ghost stories from aforementioned apocalyptic desert death-cult have anything meaningful to say about "courtship" or whatever those crazy kids 50 years ago called finger-banging, and also "family values" and so on. No they didn't, when Paul wrote his business, everyone was sure that Jeebus would come back any day now and everything, so why bother with raising families, or finger-banging, or anything like that, especially if it might make Jeebus frown. That's why SELL ALL YOUR POSSESSIONS seems like a good idea, and so forth, after all; it's not like there's any need for it, once the aliens hiding behind the Hale-Bopp comet Son of Zeus Odin YHWH comes back for us.

    In fact, this is actually why Paul was so avid in writing his business in the first place for that matter: they didn't reproduce, they had to recruit, etc. etc.

    1. WABishop

      Also, belief in the apocalypse means you can justify anything in the present, since you don't have to worry about real-world consequences in the future.

    2. Negropolis

      they didn't reproduce, they had to recruit

      Whenever I hear that talking point, now, I can't help but laughing out loud. Seriously.

  19. elpinche

    And tonight let us celebrate the anniversary of the whelping of the alien offspring of Jesus Christ (aka. Obama) by buying ipads, Chilis gift cards, and stretch jeans .

    May the new year begin with joy as we prepare for another election season filled with delightful comedy and human retardation.

  20. Fare la Volpe

    the oral sex that will temporarily empty them of some of their contents. Never forget.

    Unf, how could I? Barry Baby, just drop a present right on my face.

    Sorry, Fare hasn't been laid in 2 months and it's starting to get to me. I've taken to downing white wine and humping the couch like a dog while fantasizing about my exes. And in the end, isn't that what Christmas is all about?

    Have a Merry one, you elf-fellating turds!

    1. mumbly_joe

      Oh, Fare. I, for one, would certainly wish to offer to extend my comfort to you this Holiday season. After all, what is this, if not the season for giving, of oneself, unto others?

    2. Neilist

      Fave:

      Care to draw the large caliber repeater from my pants?

      Well, okay, the rusty Red Ryder Daisy air rifle from my briefs?

      ::::Sigh::::

  21. fuflans

    oh hey wonkette! have a merry x-mas or christmas or festival of lights or kwanza or new years or elf garden gnome festival or whatever pleases.

    and please, come back next year as a year w/out wonkette is a year w/out sunshine or booze and way too many republicans from random places like AK or AZ which until recently didn't really exist. and still shouldn't.

  22. SheriffRoscoe

    I made Baby Jesus's favorite birthday rum cake tonight. My secret is to soak my nuts in rum for nearly a week. Don't forget the baby Jesus, you godless motherfuckers.

  23. Jukesgrrl

    Holiday greetings to all the Wonkerazzi from Arizona. We have did everything we could this year to amaze you utterly.

  24. voodooeconomics

    Sara Benincasa made me feel dizzy with this article. Just too much information for a X-mas morning.

  25. x111e7thst

    I am concerned that in this sad time of increasing commercialization the true spirit of Saturnalia is getting lost. There seem to be fewer and fewer drunken orgies, tomfoolery and reversal of social roles, more and more time is instead spent at the mall.

  26. donner_froh

    I initially read "elf-fellating scum" as elk-fellating scum and thought that Sara had toned down her Christmas message from oral sex with a mythical demon spirit from Hell to a much more sedate oral sex with a huge animal.

    Thank goodness I was mistaken.

    1. jim89048

      P for that. I saw REK do that live at the Catalyst in Santa Cruz 9 or 10 years ago; I've never been the same since.

    2. elpinche

      Glorious…I almost missed that one this xmas. It's just one of those things I gotta see or hear during the holidays (e.g. BIng Crosby Christmas Classics and Christmas Story) .

  27. BeWoot

    I'm disappointed. It's Christmas Day and I thought surely Ken would at least make Riley work, probably Jack, too. But no. Apparently we're here without adult supervision.

      1. BeWoot

        Good point. Guess they all went out for Chinese then an hour later they had to go out for it again. And again.

  28. alaninthecastro

    The NFL is asking us to thank the American service people stationed in 175 countries around the world. Can someone please explain why there are 17 countries in the world we are not presently occupying?

  29. PresBeeblebrox

    If Obama is the One True God, does that make all of us terrorist supporters of the Soldiers of The One?

  30. tribbzthesquidz

    Happy Hollandaise liberal insect trash! Wassail! Wassail!
    Taking a break from the drinking, sobbing, and compulsive genital clutching to wish everyone warm, wet, and safe Xmasses and Hanukkahs and so forth.

  31. HeraSentMe

    I'd forgotten why I stopped clicking on this Wonkette "feature", so I did again.

    Now I remember. You aren't funny, Sara.

Comments are closed.