'My crystal dildo tells me Maricopa is the new Wasilla!'Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like the exciting news that 20-year-old Bristol Palin — known for getting pregnant as a teenager and not knowing how to dance at all — has bought a house! Hooray, Bristol! Times are tough for everyone, but somehow she scraped up $172,000 from under Sarah’s burrito wrappers on the couch and now Bristol is the proud (?) owner of some utterly random foreclosed tract house in some abandoned Arizona exurb. We cannot even begin to make sense of this.

The Arizona Republic reports:

The purchase of the five-bedroom house represents a typical real-estate saga in Arizona. Public records show the home was built in 2006 and bought for $329,560. It went into foreclosure in January of this year.

Said the person who bought the REO for $137,200 and cleaned it up and sold it to Sarah Palin’s Alaskan daughter for some reason, “I’m not sure why she wanted to buy that home, but we are real happy for her.”

No one’s sure.

Remember, this is Maricopa, Arizona. This is not a resort area. This is not Scottsdale or Sedona. This is the flat, awful, very far edge of the Phoenix sprawl. The two-lane highway that doubles as Maricopa’s “Main Street” is lined with the decrepit shacks of cotton pickers and lonesome old people waiting to die.

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Beyond this tragic strip of cracked blacktop, there are a handful of vulgar tract home developments — mostly abandoned now, a grim enough situation that ABC’s Nightline program did a special report on Maricopa and called it the “poster child of the housing crisis.”

Wonkette operative “Steve M.” suggests there’s something more to Bristol’s WTF home purchase than her congenital need for a shoddily constructed exurban stucco travesty she can fill up with babies and unused Bow Flex machines just like back home in Wasilla. He says this means she has political ambitions, beyond all her other obvious talents such as being able to get pregnant without a condom:

So here’s the best part.

Maricopa is a half-empty town south of Phoenix. Most of the homes are either in foreclosure or heading in that direction. That’s why she could buy a 5 bedroom house for $172,000.

But guess what? Arizona will get a new, 9th Congressional District thanks to the new census. Most observers think Maricopa will end up smack-dab in the middle of this new district.

Bristol for Congress!

Think I’m joking. I live in the 3rd Congressional District, represented by none other than Ben Quayle!

We sure hope Santa kills us all tonight, because this is getting to be a bit much. [Arizona Republic]

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