Gotta catch 'em all, CynicMon!As we look back on the 111th Congress, we will remember two things: a mediocre (but actually successful!) health care bill and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and a bit and lots of Republican obstructionism. To mark the end of this joyous legislative year, your Wonkette has gone on this Internet thing for children (such as your editor) to make collectible trading cards of the Senate’s top obstructionists. You can even print them out and give them to children for Christmas! If you hate children, that is.

Lindsey Graham
Gay, bully of gays.

Mitch McConnell
Too evil to still be a cute water Pokemon.

John McCain
Favorite foods: Rare Candy, WALNUTS!

Tom Coburn
Actually a knockoff of real obstructionist senators. You can tell by the goatee.

Jon Kyl
START to kill yourself.

Jim DeMint
SUPER-RARE FOIL CARD!!!1!!!1!!!!!!1!

Yes, even worse than coal.

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  • Well, I like this, it is worse than coal (which is pretty damn bad). Where can I get the full set?

    Just hope my mom doesn't throw them away like she did my baseball cards.

    • Dimitrios_M

      A lump of coal can provide a modicum of heat.

      Senate Obstructionist Trading Cards can only make you hot under the collar.

      • PuckStopsHere

        I'm sure she only threw out your baseball cards because she thought they were drugs.

      • transfatz

        A lump of coal was actually a good present since it meant you could be warm on Christmas night. Along with the gift of these clown cards for your children, I would suggest: a lump of coal, five lumps of saltpeter and one lump of sulfur. (I prefer adding just a dash of magnesium). This will allow the children to clear away the obstruction.

  • lochnessmonster

    Those should be passed out at New Years Tea Parties!

    • elviouslyqueer

      Those should be passed out at like New Years Tea Partiers!


      • x111e7thst

        Any New Years Tea Partiers that I find passed out are going to wake up in the gutter, minus their pants and with their asses whatever color of spray paint is cheapest at my local hardware store.

  • neiltheblaze

    Wonderful! Just the stocking stuffer for my quasi-Republican relatives! They're the type who are against unemployment insurance until they get laid off. This will go a mile and a half up their asses.

  • Jack, are you sayin' Lindsey Graham is a Pokie man?

    • Schmannnity

      Queen of Hearts

  • SexySmurf

    Arlen Specter: Changes sides after every turn, or when politically expedient.

    Lisa Murkowski: Does 2 damage to own side for every Yale educated lumberjack in play.

  • LocalGirlMakesGoo

    Lindsey Graham is a woman?

    • V572625694

      That's what Lindsay's been asking himself since that freshman year moment in gym shower room .

    • jim89048

      We don't call him her Miss Lindsey for nothing!

    • Radiotherapy

      The Queen of Hearts.

    • Apparently. My son thought it was a woman when he saw me looking at the trading cards. First he said, "Pokemon cards!" all happy and then said, "who is that woman?" I couldn't read the whole card because prostitutes.

  • Crank_Tango

    problem with these is instead of chewing gum. they come with a shriveled up, used condom.

    • I guess you could chew on that, is there still flavor left or has it all been frictioned away?

    • Steverino247

      Hey, on Remulac, that IS chewing gum.

    • bflrtsplk

      Yes but, in keeping with the GOOP philosophy that everyone has to tighten their belts, it's reusable.

  • DoktorZoom

    John McCain uses War Hero (again) … It's not very effective!

  • I'd rather get a Red Ryder BB rifle. At least I'd have a chance of getting hit in the eyes and never having to see these GOPer Grumpy old Men Fillabuster: The Gathering Cards.

  • elviouslyqueer

    That picture of Lindsey is the gayest thing in the gay history of gay. Gay, also.

  • Totally giving this to my daughter who deserves coal. She is an obstructionist in the making.

  • DangerHelvetica

    Screw parliamentary rules, they have money.

    • Sophist FCD

      Lindsey's not gay, he's just British.

  • aguacatero

    THIS is why we pay Jack the big bucks.

  • Actually I'm surprised Lins doesn't get a IN THE CLOSET OF FABULOUS SECRETS Bonus.

  • SexySmurf

    Needs a Democratic expansion pack called Compromises and Capitulations.

    • Ruhe


    • Negropolis

      Blanche Lincoln: Playing her automatically takes away your turn, and gives two to the opposing player.

      Joe Biden: When played once, inflicts massive 40 point damage against a Republican card, when played a second time, consecutively, verbal gaffes inflicts 20 point damage on self.

  • JustPixelz

    Lieberman: Gives player 100 Joe-mentum points. Unless player burns card and builds rocket to send ashes into the darkest regions of space.

  • Rotundo_

    If only they could be clipped to a bicycle and hit repeatedly with the spokes like in the good old days, the senators, that is, not the cards. Though I suppose I can settle for the cards, it just wouldn't be as much fun as Coburns' ass getting lashed repeatedly at high velocity with a bicycle spoke. That thought will be my warped and happy place for the day when holiday stress gets to be a bit much.

  • angryclownspawn

    Where's the John Boehner card? Must be laminated to survive when it touches your heart and makes you cry orange tears of joy and/or sorrow.

  • V572625694

    Is it too late to hope for animated Jib-Jab Christmas cards with Barry & Michelle?

  • DoktorZoom

    Check out this awesome Attention Whore card!

    EDIT: OK, this Pokemon is not in the Senate, but it was almost in charge of the Senate, so it's more like a rare variant.

    • Jukesgrrl

      Excellent work, my child. May you receive a visit from an obese, hirsuit house-breaker tonight.

  • EdFlintstone

    Yeah but Elaine Chao, McConnell's wife, has to suffer through the ongoing disappointment of Mitch's frightened turtle.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Critical Hit!

  • bflrtsplk

    How many of those you think i could get for my Mickey Mantle rookie card?

  • V572625694

    OT, but everyone will want to know this earth-shattering news from HuffPo:

    "New iPad 2 Rumors: Larger Speaker, Narrower Bezel, Flatter Back"

    The long tyranny of wide bezels will finally be over!

    • DoktorZoom

      I always liked that Richard Bezel guy on Homicide, but didn't think the character worked so well when they moved him to Law & Order

  • gef05

    Since when did Graham become a member of Coldplay?

  • PsycWench

    I'd like to give my child a generic Republican trading card, which features a person who is given nearly anything it wants or needs but has a hissy fit when something is required of it in turn.

  • WhatTheHeck

    This deck of cards has way too many jokers in it,
    but when you play, all the douches are wild.

  • ttommyunger

    It's HOW BIG Lindsey? No wonder McCain is so cranky.

  • Radiotherapy

    Somehow, the Bernie Sanders holographic card didn't make it off the presses.

  • Ruhe

    Graham is still in the Senate? Man, this ham biscuit story is taking way too long to break.

  • GodShammgod

    Unlike other trading cards, owning a deck of these will cost you value.

  • iburl

    I would totally play this game, given that there is a possibility that I could cast nasty spells on them with an ogre mage.

  • deanbooth

    A few years ago I played Magic cards with my son. He cast the spell "Needs reading glasses," and it hasn't worn off yet.

  • nounverb911

    Is that the gown that Lindsey wore to the "Sessionist" Ball?

  • Jukesgrrl

    Jack, you clever elf, good work!

    OT but I have tell: today my mother received a holiday card (nativity art) from one of her 80-something friends. I use that term judiciously, as she is close to being dumped; Mom is sick of the fact that this woman watches Glenn Beck every day and parrots his opinions. The hand-written message inside said, "Only Christ can bring peace to a world without joy." I find it fascinating that this woman thinks her world is "without joy." She has two daughters who look after her every need, a passel of grandchildren, a beautiful home in a nice town, a healthy bank account, and life-long friends who are still among the living. Yet she believes her world is without joy and needs that ass-clown to help her address it. I think this explains something, I'm just not sure what … I haven't had enough alcohol yet.

    • V572625694

      C²H^5OH delivers much meaning.

    • DoktorZoom

      Taking Glen Beck seriously would be sufficient to convince her that the world is without joy. It is a scary, dangerous place full of conspiracies, traitors, and negroes (ah, but I repeat myself).

      • Negropolis

        Did someone say negroes? My negro-sense is tingling.

    • lulzmonger

      Xmas is only one day a year … but self-pity is forever.

      • Negropolis


        OT, my dad called me today, and when I asked him what he was doing for the day, he sayed nothing, because every day is Christmas for him, and that he's been done with the commercialization for years, now. It's sugar-sweet, and I teased him about it, but I was so happy for that call. It made what was going to be a pretty depressing day for me just a little bit better, and that's Christmas to me.

    • Radiotherapy

      She didn't see that flock of geese go across the Christmas sky? A miracle.

  • x111e7thst

    John Kyl's expression when Harry Reid bent him over the desk and crammed the START Pact up his ass was a thing of beauty.
    I just wish Harry had had enough sense of occasion to tell Kyl to squeal like a pig.

    • Jukesgrrl

      As one of Kyl's constituents, I was deeply grateful for that moment.

      • x111e7thst

        Being one of John Kyl's constituents is natures way of telling you it's time to move back to New Jersey.

        • Jukesgrrl

          Ah, if I didn't have commitments here I couldn't turn my back on … but, honestly, that Chris Christie isn't all that much better.

          I consoled myself by watching The Making of Darkness on the Edge of Town, that I had saved to view on Christmas night. I managed not to cry until I saw an image of the old Palace Amusements building, photographed through a car windshield in the rain. That did me in. The rest of the film was Bruce's youth, but that quick image of a disappeared landmark was mine.

  • Extemporanus

    Super stuff, Stuef.

    I very much look forward to a time when our Wonkette converts to an all-trading card format and is sold on eBay to a divorced hoarder in Kenosha.

    • Radiotherapy

      I'll sell my "p" values.

  • "Senate the Gathering"? These are Pokemon parodies, goddammit! Congratulations you just canceled Christmas for this cowboy.

  • chascates

    At least Newt Gingrich and Tom DeLay aren't going to be in this set.

  • Mahousu

    I think these cards are better than regular coal.

    They're not better than clean coal, though.

  • Troubledog

    Well played, Mr. Stuef. Two thumbs up.

  • arihaya

    This. is. awesome !

  • lulzmonger

    Wow, thanks for this. I presumed the Wonkinati would be too busy doing unspeakable things to reindeer while firing a Sidewinder at Santa's sleigh to produce any more content this week, & I'm delighted to be wrong.

    Truly a feast of lulz for the dark season … & the alt-text is like finding out that the jumbo bong under the tree is already pre-loaded!

  • transfatz

    Buy them! Sell them! Collect them! Trade them!

  • Great. Now Lindsey has an excuse to show up at Comicon dressed up as a furry.

  • Negropolis

    Michele Bachmann:


    – Crazy Eyes: Opponent is hypnotized and loses a turn.

    – Screech Attack: Similar to the hypnotic Crazy Eyes attack, but also inflicts 20 damage points against opponent.

    – Bat-shit Insanity: A fatal play, both players lose all their life points in a crazy, self-destructive suicide blast, but the player gets the subsequent play over his opponent.


    – Logic-type Senators

    I know she's not a senator (yet), but she can be in the Congressional Edition.

    • Negropolis

      Needs more pee-ness.

  • Joey_Ratz

    So… Lindsey Graham has a weakness for fisting? Am I reading that card right?

  • Caption for Lindsey's photo, " I saw a cock in the shower this big"

  • AntonovBureau

    I think these would also work well as a deck of playing cards, similar to those post-Iraq invasion playing cards handed to the troops so they could identify all those involved in the WMD and chemical weapon development, etc.

    This deck will consist of only jokers and queens of course.

  • smokefilledroommate

    That was fun! Here's Mine.

    • Negropolis

      That is just brilliant. Abdicate and Trig, evolving from Double Wide; it's all good.

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