PRINT OUT UR INTERNETS  11:31 am December 24, 2010

Wonkette Senate Obstruction Trading Cards Will Ruin Your Child’s Christmas

by Jack Stuef

Gotta catch 'em all, CynicMon!As we look back on the 111th Congress, we will remember two things: a mediocre (but actually successful!) health care bill and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and a bit and lots of Republican obstructionism. To mark the end of this joyous legislative year, your Wonkette has gone on this Internet thing for children (such as your editor) to make collectible trading cards of the Senate’s top obstructionists. You can even print them out and give them to children for Christmas! If you hate children, that is.

Lindsey Graham
Gay, bully of gays.

Mitch McConnell
Too evil to still be a cute water Pokemon.

John McCain
Favorite foods: Rare Candy, WALNUTS!

Tom Coburn
Actually a knockoff of real obstructionist senators. You can tell by the goatee.

Jon Kyl
START to kill yourself.

Jim DeMint
SUPER-RARE FOIL CARD!!!1!!!1!!!!!!1!

Yes, even worse than coal.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 82 comments }

cheaphits December 24, 2010 at 11:39 am

Well, I like this, it is worse than coal (which is pretty damn bad). Where can I get the full set?

Just hope my mom doesn't throw them away like she did my baseball cards.

Dimitrios_M December 24, 2010 at 12:53 pm

A lump of coal can provide a modicum of heat.

Senate Obstructionist Trading Cards can only make you hot under the collar.

PuckStopsHere December 24, 2010 at 2:33 pm

I'm sure she only threw out your baseball cards because she thought they were drugs.

transfatz December 24, 2010 at 10:39 pm

A lump of coal was actually a good present since it meant you could be warm on Christmas night. Along with the gift of these clown cards for your children, I would suggest: a lump of coal, five lumps of saltpeter and one lump of sulfur. (I prefer adding just a dash of magnesium). This will allow the children to clear away the obstruction.

lochnessmonster December 24, 2010 at 11:41 am

Those should be passed out at New Years Tea Parties!

elviouslyqueer December 24, 2010 at 12:00 pm

Those should be passed out at like New Years Tea Partiers!

/fixed

x111e7thst December 24, 2010 at 12:32 pm

Any New Years Tea Partiers that I find passed out are going to wake up in the gutter, minus their pants and with their asses whatever color of spray paint is cheapest at my local hardware store.

neiltheblaze December 24, 2010 at 11:41 am

Wonderful! Just the stocking stuffer for my quasi-Republican relatives! They're the type who are against unemployment insurance until they get laid off. This will go a mile and a half up their asses.

weejee December 24, 2010 at 11:42 am

Jack, are you sayin' Lindsey Graham is a Pokie man?

Schmannnity December 25, 2010 at 1:14 am

Queen of Hearts

SexySmurf December 24, 2010 at 11:48 am

Arlen Specter: Changes sides after every turn, or when politically expedient.

Lisa Murkowski: Does 2 damage to own side for every Yale educated lumberjack in play.

LocalGirlMakesGoo December 24, 2010 at 11:49 am

Lindsey Graham is a woman?

V572625694 December 24, 2010 at 12:08 pm

That's what Lindsay's been asking himself since that freshman year moment in gym shower room .

Rarian Rakista December 24, 2010 at 12:38 pm

What song do you think was playing when that happened?

My guess http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1u4CXlIYjyE

DoktorZoom December 24, 2010 at 1:14 pm
jim89048 December 24, 2010 at 12:45 pm

We don't call him her Miss Lindsey for nothing!

Radiotherapy December 24, 2010 at 12:56 pm

The Queen of Hearts.

HurricaneAli December 24, 2010 at 2:45 pm

Apparently. My son thought it was a woman when he saw me looking at the trading cards. First he said, "Pokemon cards!" all happy and then said, "who is that woman?" I couldn't read the whole card because prostitutes.

Crank_Tango December 24, 2010 at 11:50 am

problem with these is instead of chewing gum. they come with a shriveled up, used condom.

Rarian Rakista December 24, 2010 at 12:39 pm

I guess you could chew on that, is there still flavor left or has it all been frictioned away?

Steverino247 December 24, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Hey, on Remulac, that IS chewing gum.

bflrtsplk December 24, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Yes but, in keeping with the GOOP philosophy that everyone has to tighten their belts, it's reusable.

DoktorZoom December 24, 2010 at 11:51 am

John McCain uses War Hero (again) … It's not very effective!

ManchuCandidate December 24, 2010 at 11:54 am

I'd rather get a Red Ryder BB rifle. At least I'd have a chance of getting hit in the eyes and never having to see these GOPer Grumpy old Men Fillabuster: The Gathering Cards.

elviouslyqueer December 24, 2010 at 11:54 am

That picture of Lindsey is the gayest thing in the gay history of gay. Gay, also.

Maman December 24, 2010 at 11:55 am

Totally giving this to my daughter who deserves coal. She is an obstructionist in the making.

DangerHelvetica December 24, 2010 at 11:56 am

Screw parliamentary rules, they have money.

Sophist FCD December 24, 2010 at 4:46 pm

Lindsey's not gay, he's just British.

aguacatero December 24, 2010 at 11:57 am

THIS is why we pay Jack the big bucks.

ManchuCandidate December 24, 2010 at 11:59 am

Actually I'm surprised Lins doesn't get a IN THE CLOSET OF FABULOUS SECRETS Bonus.

SexySmurf December 24, 2010 at 12:01 pm

Needs a Democratic expansion pack called Compromises and Capitulations.

Ruhe December 24, 2010 at 1:04 pm

Brilliant.

Negropolis December 24, 2010 at 11:19 pm

Blanche Lincoln: Playing her automatically takes away your turn, and gives two to the opposing player.

Joe Biden: When played once, inflicts massive 40 point damage against a Republican card, when played a second time, consecutively, verbal gaffes inflicts 20 point damage on self.

JustPixelz December 24, 2010 at 12:05 pm

Lieberman: Gives player 100 Joe-mentum points. Unless player burns card and builds rocket to send ashes into the darkest regions of space.

Rotundo_ December 24, 2010 at 12:07 pm

If only they could be clipped to a bicycle and hit repeatedly with the spokes like in the good old days, the senators, that is, not the cards. Though I suppose I can settle for the cards, it just wouldn't be as much fun as Coburns' ass getting lashed repeatedly at high velocity with a bicycle spoke. That thought will be my warped and happy place for the day when holiday stress gets to be a bit much.

angryclownspawn December 24, 2010 at 12:10 pm

Where's the John Boehner card? Must be laminated to survive when it touches your heart and makes you cry orange tears of joy and/or sorrow.

V572625694 December 24, 2010 at 12:11 pm

Is it too late to hope for animated Jib-Jab Christmas cards with Barry & Michelle?

DoktorZoom December 24, 2010 at 12:20 pm

Check out this awesome Attention Whore card!

EDIT: OK, this Pokemon is not in the Senate, but it was almost in charge of the Senate, so it's more like a rare variant.

Jukesgrrl December 24, 2010 at 1:15 pm

Excellent work, my child. May you receive a visit from an obese, hirsuit house-breaker tonight.

EdFlintstone December 24, 2010 at 12:20 pm

Yeah but Elaine Chao, McConnell's wife, has to suffer through the ongoing disappointment of Mitch's frightened turtle.

Fare la Volpe December 24, 2010 at 2:04 pm

Critical Hit!

bflrtsplk December 24, 2010 at 12:28 pm

How many of those you think i could get for my Mickey Mantle rookie card?

V572625694 December 24, 2010 at 12:41 pm

OT, but everyone will want to know this earth-shattering news from HuffPo:

"New iPad 2 Rumors: Larger Speaker, Narrower Bezel, Flatter Back"

The long tyranny of wide bezels will finally be over!

DoktorZoom December 24, 2010 at 1:06 pm

I always liked that Richard Bezel guy on Homicide, but didn't think the character worked so well when they moved him to Law & Order

gef05 December 24, 2010 at 12:42 pm

Since when did Graham become a member of Coldplay?

PsycWench December 24, 2010 at 12:47 pm

I'd like to give my child a generic Republican trading card, which features a person who is given nearly anything it wants or needs but has a hissy fit when something is required of it in turn.

WhatTheHeck December 24, 2010 at 12:48 pm

This deck of cards has way too many jokers in it,
but when you play, all the douches are wild.

ttommyunger December 24, 2010 at 12:59 pm

It's HOW BIG Lindsey? No wonder McCain is so cranky.

Radiotherapy December 24, 2010 at 12:59 pm

Somehow, the Bernie Sanders holographic card didn't make it off the presses.

Ruhe December 24, 2010 at 1:08 pm

Graham is still in the Senate? Man, this ham biscuit story is taking way too long to break.

GodShammgod December 24, 2010 at 1:10 pm

Unlike other trading cards, owning a deck of these will cost you value.

iburl December 24, 2010 at 1:18 pm

I would totally play this game, given that there is a possibility that I could cast nasty spells on them with an ogre mage.

deanbooth December 24, 2010 at 1:26 pm

A few years ago I played Magic cards with my son. He cast the spell "Needs reading glasses," and it hasn't worn off yet.

nounverb911 December 24, 2010 at 1:30 pm

Is that the gown that Lindsey wore to the "Sessionist" Ball?

Jukesgrrl December 24, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Jack, you clever elf, good work!

OT but I have tell: today my mother received a holiday card (nativity art) from one of her 80-something friends. I use that term judiciously, as she is close to being dumped; Mom is sick of the fact that this woman watches Glenn Beck every day and parrots his opinions. The hand-written message inside said, "Only Christ can bring peace to a world without joy." I find it fascinating that this woman thinks her world is "without joy." She has two daughters who look after her every need, a passel of grandchildren, a beautiful home in a nice town, a healthy bank account, and life-long friends who are still among the living. Yet she believes her world is without joy and needs that ass-clown to help her address it. I think this explains something, I'm just not sure what … I haven't had enough alcohol yet.

V572625694 December 24, 2010 at 1:58 pm

C²H^5OH delivers much meaning.

DoktorZoom December 24, 2010 at 2:24 pm

Taking Glen Beck seriously would be sufficient to convince her that the world is without joy. It is a scary, dangerous place full of conspiracies, traitors, and negroes (ah, but I repeat myself).

Negropolis December 25, 2010 at 3:05 pm

Did someone say negroes? My negro-sense is tingling.

lulzmonger December 24, 2010 at 10:05 pm

Xmas is only one day a year … but self-pity is forever.

Negropolis December 25, 2010 at 3:07 pm

Awesome.

OT, my dad called me today, and when I asked him what he was doing for the day, he sayed nothing, because every day is Christmas for him, and that he's been done with the commercialization for years, now. It's sugar-sweet, and I teased him about it, but I was so happy for that call. It made what was going to be a pretty depressing day for me just a little bit better, and that's Christmas to me.

Radiotherapy December 25, 2010 at 3:15 am

She didn't see that flock of geese go across the Christmas sky? A miracle.

x111e7thst December 24, 2010 at 2:31 pm

John Kyl's expression when Harry Reid bent him over the desk and crammed the START Pact up his ass was a thing of beauty.
I just wish Harry had had enough sense of occasion to tell Kyl to squeal like a pig.

Jukesgrrl December 24, 2010 at 2:34 pm

As one of Kyl's constituents, I was deeply grateful for that moment.

x111e7thst December 24, 2010 at 3:54 pm

Being one of John Kyl's constituents is natures way of telling you it's time to move back to New Jersey.

Jukesgrrl December 26, 2010 at 10:00 pm

Ah, if I didn't have commitments here I couldn't turn my back on … but, honestly, that Chris Christie isn't all that much better.

I consoled myself by watching The Making of Darkness on the Edge of Town, that I had saved to view on Christmas night. I managed not to cry until I saw an image of the old Palace Amusements building, photographed through a car windshield in the rain. That did me in. The rest of the film was Bruce's youth, but that quick image of a disappeared landmark was mine.

Extemporanus December 24, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Super stuff, Stuef.

I very much look forward to a time when our Wonkette converts to an all-trading card format and is sold on eBay to a divorced hoarder in Kenosha.

Radiotherapy December 25, 2010 at 3:16 am

I'll sell my "p" values.

Thedongsofwar December 24, 2010 at 3:13 pm

"Senate the Gathering"? These are Pokemon parodies, goddammit! Congratulations you just canceled Christmas for this cowboy.

chascates December 24, 2010 at 3:30 pm

At least Newt Gingrich and Tom DeLay aren't going to be in this set.

Mahousu December 24, 2010 at 4:21 pm

I think these cards are better than regular coal.

They're not better than clean coal, though.

Troubledog December 24, 2010 at 5:06 pm

Well played, Mr. Stuef. Two thumbs up.

arihaya December 24, 2010 at 9:43 pm

This. is. awesome !

lulzmonger December 24, 2010 at 10:11 pm

Wow, thanks for this. I presumed the Wonkinati would be too busy doing unspeakable things to reindeer while firing a Sidewinder at Santa's sleigh to produce any more content this week, & I'm delighted to be wrong.

Truly a feast of lulz for the dark season … & the alt-text is like finding out that the jumbo bong under the tree is already pre-loaded!

transfatz December 24, 2010 at 10:54 pm

Buy them! Sell them! Collect them! Trade them!

seppdecker December 24, 2010 at 11:12 pm

Great. Now Lindsey has an excuse to show up at Comicon dressed up as a furry.

Negropolis December 24, 2010 at 11:30 pm

Michele Bachmann:

Attacks:

- Crazy Eyes: Opponent is hypnotized and loses a turn.

- Screech Attack: Similar to the hypnotic Crazy Eyes attack, but also inflicts 20 damage points against opponent.

- Bat-shit Insanity: A fatal play, both players lose all their life points in a crazy, self-destructive suicide blast, but the player gets the subsequent play over his opponent.

Weakness:

- Logic-type Senators

I know she's not a senator (yet), but she can be in the Congressional Edition.

Negropolis December 25, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Needs more pee-ness.

Joey_Ratz December 24, 2010 at 11:45 pm

So… Lindsey Graham has a weakness for fisting? Am I reading that card right?

trampndirtdown December 25, 2010 at 12:53 am

Caption for Lindsey's photo, " I saw a cock in the shower this big"

AntonovBureau December 25, 2010 at 2:52 am

I think these would also work well as a deck of playing cards, similar to those post-Iraq invasion playing cards handed to the troops so they could identify all those involved in the WMD and chemical weapon development, etc.

This deck will consist of only jokers and queens of course.

smokefilledroommate December 25, 2010 at 4:58 am

That was fun! Here's Mine.

Negropolis December 25, 2010 at 3:09 pm

That is just brilliant. Abdicate and Trig, evolving from Double Wide; it's all good.

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