Wonkette Senate Obstruction Trading Cards Will Ruin Your Child’s Christmas

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Gotta catch 'em all, CynicMon!As we look back on the 111th Congress, we will remember two things: a mediocre (but actually successful!) health care bill and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and a bit and lots of Republican obstructionism. To mark the end of this joyous legislative year, your Wonkette has gone on this Internet thing for children (such as your editor) to make collectible trading cards of the Senate’s top obstructionists. You can even print them out and give them to children for Christmas! If you hate children, that is.

Lindsey Graham
Gay, bully of gays.

Mitch McConnell
Too evil to still be a cute water Pokemon.

John McCain
Favorite foods: Rare Candy, WALNUTS!

Tom Coburn
Actually a knockoff of real obstructionist senators. You can tell by the goatee.

Jon Kyl
START to kill yourself.

Jim DeMint
SUPER-RARE FOIL CARD!!!1!!!1!!!!!!1!

Yes, even worse than coal.

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Hola wonkerados.

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82 comments

  1. cheaphits

    Well, I like this, it is worse than coal (which is pretty damn bad). Where can I get the full set?

    Just hope my mom doesn't throw them away like she did my baseball cards.

    1. Dimitrios_M

      A lump of coal can provide a modicum of heat.

      Senate Obstructionist Trading Cards can only make you hot under the collar.

      1. transfatz

        A lump of coal was actually a good present since it meant you could be warm on Christmas night. Along with the gift of these clown cards for your children, I would suggest: a lump of coal, five lumps of saltpeter and one lump of sulfur. (I prefer adding just a dash of magnesium). This will allow the children to clear away the obstruction.

      1. x111e7thst

        Any New Years Tea Partiers that I find passed out are going to wake up in the gutter, minus their pants and with their asses whatever color of spray paint is cheapest at my local hardware store.

  2. neiltheblaze

    Wonderful! Just the stocking stuffer for my quasi-Republican relatives! They're the type who are against unemployment insurance until they get laid off. This will go a mile and a half up their asses.

  3. SexySmurf

    Arlen Specter: Changes sides after every turn, or when politically expedient.

    Lisa Murkowski: Does 2 damage to own side for every Yale educated lumberjack in play.

    1. HurricaneAli

      Apparently. My son thought it was a woman when he saw me looking at the trading cards. First he said, "Pokemon cards!" all happy and then said, "who is that woman?" I couldn't read the whole card because prostitutes.

    1. bflrtsplk

      Yes but, in keeping with the GOOP philosophy that everyone has to tighten their belts, it's reusable.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    I'd rather get a Red Ryder BB rifle. At least I'd have a chance of getting hit in the eyes and never having to see these GOPer Grumpy old Men Fillabuster: The Gathering Cards.

    1. Negropolis

      Blanche Lincoln: Playing her automatically takes away your turn, and gives two to the opposing player.

      Joe Biden: When played once, inflicts massive 40 point damage against a Republican card, when played a second time, consecutively, verbal gaffes inflicts 20 point damage on self.

  5. JustPixelz

    Lieberman: Gives player 100 Joe-mentum points. Unless player burns card and builds rocket to send ashes into the darkest regions of space.

  6. Rotundo_

    If only they could be clipped to a bicycle and hit repeatedly with the spokes like in the good old days, the senators, that is, not the cards. Though I suppose I can settle for the cards, it just wouldn't be as much fun as Coburns' ass getting lashed repeatedly at high velocity with a bicycle spoke. That thought will be my warped and happy place for the day when holiday stress gets to be a bit much.

  7. angryclownspawn

    Where's the John Boehner card? Must be laminated to survive when it touches your heart and makes you cry orange tears of joy and/or sorrow.

  8. EdFlintstone

    Yeah but Elaine Chao, McConnell's wife, has to suffer through the ongoing disappointment of Mitch's frightened turtle.

  9. V572625694

    OT, but everyone will want to know this earth-shattering news from HuffPo:

    "New iPad 2 Rumors: Larger Speaker, Narrower Bezel, Flatter Back"

    The long tyranny of wide bezels will finally be over!

    1. DoktorZoom

      I always liked that Richard Bezel guy on Homicide, but didn't think the character worked so well when they moved him to Law & Order

  10. PsycWench

    I'd like to give my child a generic Republican trading card, which features a person who is given nearly anything it wants or needs but has a hissy fit when something is required of it in turn.

  11. iburl

    I would totally play this game, given that there is a possibility that I could cast nasty spells on them with an ogre mage.

  12. deanbooth

    A few years ago I played Magic cards with my son. He cast the spell "Needs reading glasses," and it hasn't worn off yet.

  13. Jukesgrrl

    Jack, you clever elf, good work!

    OT but I have tell: today my mother received a holiday card (nativity art) from one of her 80-something friends. I use that term judiciously, as she is close to being dumped; Mom is sick of the fact that this woman watches Glenn Beck every day and parrots his opinions. The hand-written message inside said, "Only Christ can bring peace to a world without joy." I find it fascinating that this woman thinks her world is "without joy." She has two daughters who look after her every need, a passel of grandchildren, a beautiful home in a nice town, a healthy bank account, and life-long friends who are still among the living. Yet she believes her world is without joy and needs that ass-clown to help her address it. I think this explains something, I'm just not sure what … I haven't had enough alcohol yet.

    1. DoktorZoom

      Taking Glen Beck seriously would be sufficient to convince her that the world is without joy. It is a scary, dangerous place full of conspiracies, traitors, and negroes (ah, but I repeat myself).

      1. Negropolis

        Awesome.

        OT, my dad called me today, and when I asked him what he was doing for the day, he sayed nothing, because every day is Christmas for him, and that he's been done with the commercialization for years, now. It's sugar-sweet, and I teased him about it, but I was so happy for that call. It made what was going to be a pretty depressing day for me just a little bit better, and that's Christmas to me.

  14. x111e7thst

    John Kyl's expression when Harry Reid bent him over the desk and crammed the START Pact up his ass was a thing of beauty.
    I just wish Harry had had enough sense of occasion to tell Kyl to squeal like a pig.

      1. x111e7thst

        Being one of John Kyl's constituents is natures way of telling you it's time to move back to New Jersey.

        1. Jukesgrrl

          Ah, if I didn't have commitments here I couldn't turn my back on … but, honestly, that Chris Christie isn't all that much better.

          I consoled myself by watching The Making of Darkness on the Edge of Town, that I had saved to view on Christmas night. I managed not to cry until I saw an image of the old Palace Amusements building, photographed through a car windshield in the rain. That did me in. The rest of the film was Bruce's youth, but that quick image of a disappeared landmark was mine.

  15. Extemporanus

    Super stuff, Stuef.

    I very much look forward to a time when our Wonkette converts to an all-trading card format and is sold on eBay to a divorced hoarder in Kenosha.

  16. lulzmonger

    Wow, thanks for this. I presumed the Wonkinati would be too busy doing unspeakable things to reindeer while firing a Sidewinder at Santa's sleigh to produce any more content this week, & I'm delighted to be wrong.

    Truly a feast of lulz for the dark season … & the alt-text is like finding out that the jumbo bong under the tree is already pre-loaded!

  17. Negropolis

    Michele Bachmann:

    Attacks:

    - Crazy Eyes: Opponent is hypnotized and loses a turn.

    - Screech Attack: Similar to the hypnotic Crazy Eyes attack, but also inflicts 20 damage points against opponent.

    - Bat-shit Insanity: A fatal play, both players lose all their life points in a crazy, self-destructive suicide blast, but the player gets the subsequent play over his opponent.

    Weakness:

    - Logic-type Senators

    I know she's not a senator (yet), but she can be in the Congressional Edition.

  18. AntonovBureau

    I think these would also work well as a deck of playing cards, similar to those post-Iraq invasion playing cards handed to the troops so they could identify all those involved in the WMD and chemical weapon development, etc.

    This deck will consist of only jokers and queens of course.

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