OUR FRAGILE NATION  10:40 am December 24, 2010

TSA Announces War On Xmas Against … ‘Insulated Beverage Containers’

by Ken Layne

Merry Xmas, Allah!Christmas Eve is a very exciting travel day because it’s one of the busiest, most insane times to attempt to get on a plane. Plus, the weather is guaranteed to be pretty horrible because it’s winter. Also, there’s horrific stress as millions of people try to get across the country at the last possible minute because Christmas Eve is both the official start of the Yuletide Family Gathering and a regular work day. Terrible all around! Luckily we have the Homeland Security clown theater troupe, “TSA,” to come up with some random bullshit to ruin whatever hasn’t been ruined by common crowds and weather.

See that coffee thermos thing on your desk? Is that something anyone would even consider trying to walk through airport security when the goons are freaking out over breast milk in little clear plastic bottles? Well, what do we know about anything, ha ha, because apparently lots of people love to carry “insulated beverage containers” through security and apparently this is totally legit. (Because some mysterious canister thing made of metal and kryptonite should be an acceptable carry on item, while a plastic bottle of water must be poured out in a garbage can, for laughs.)

CNN, take it away:

(CNN) — The Transportation Security Administration issued a statement Thursday signaling its intention to focus on insulated beverage containers, noting growing concerns that terrorists might conceal explosives inside such items.

[...]

Passengers can still carry insulated beverage containers through security and onto flights, the federal agency noted.

We are super sorry for anyone who has to fly today. Then again, Santa may have to stop bringing a thermos of brandy on every Southwest flight all night as he goes from town to town — last year, Santa was so ruined by the time he hit the Central Time Zone that he pooped on a stewardess and dropped most of America’s presents over a Superfund site in Ohio. [CNN]

 
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 76 comments }

Barbara_i December 24, 2010 at 10:43 am

Does this woman ever take a photo where she isn't trying to hide that adam's apple?

dyedwool December 24, 2010 at 11:00 am

Not sure, but this is one of the first photos I've seen of Snowki where the magic of her Bumpit(tm) is lost due to the crap photo-cropping job.

LocalGirlMakesGoo December 24, 2010 at 11:16 am

+1 for "Snowki."

Interesting aside – "Jersey Shore" is immensely popular in Japan. For whatever reason, though (cultural/geographical reference being too vague?), in Japan it has been re-branded as "The Macaroni Rascals."

V572625694 December 24, 2010 at 11:21 am

Way better title. Will Darla sing "I'm in the Mood for Love"?

Bettyannhimo December 25, 2010 at 4:57 am

It's day celebration for us so every person do enjoy..
Sunless Tanning Tips

CapnFatback December 24, 2010 at 10:48 am

You'll know things are officially out of hand when TSA agents start freaking out about breast milk in their original containers.

ttommyunger December 24, 2010 at 10:54 am

BTW: Your avatar, one of my favorite movies of all time, "Student Bodies", just fucking hilarious.

lochnessmonster December 24, 2010 at 11:00 am

They already have…and prosthetic ones too.

PsycWench December 24, 2010 at 11:32 am

I'm awaiting the day when they ask heavier passengers to lift up the paniculus, please.

LocalGirlMakesGoo December 24, 2010 at 11:35 am

The modesty curtain?

deanbooth December 24, 2010 at 1:19 pm

"things are officially out of hand"? They've got the whole world in their hands.

gef05 December 24, 2010 at 10:51 am

The TSA goons must be so distracted by all these "heightened awareness" shticks that the easiest way to get a bomb on board a plane is to carry a large black device with a burning fuse and the word BOMB printed on the side of it.

Crank_Tango December 24, 2010 at 11:57 am

unfortunately, acme.com is backordered through Valentine's day.

nappyduggs December 24, 2010 at 12:07 pm

Whilst wearing horizontal black-and-white stripes and a Hamburglar mask.

ttommyunger December 24, 2010 at 10:52 am

Things could be worse, you could be a TSA Agent.

x111e7thst December 24, 2010 at 11:18 am

Those are fightin' words. But I'm old and tired and anyway they were not addressed to me so..

ttommyunger December 24, 2010 at 12:52 pm

TSA Employee, or Hell with a broken back. Hmmmmm. Hi Satan!

zhubajie December 24, 2010 at 7:10 pm

How do you get to be a TSA agent, anyway? Sentenced by a judge? It has to be the worst job in the world!

ttommyunger December 24, 2010 at 7:26 pm

Haven't kept up with it. Maybe like FBI; they used to have to blow J. Edgar. Don't know now.

Rotundo_ December 24, 2010 at 11:01 am

Eventually we will have to strip down, have cavity checks and wear single use paper gowns to fly, sized to fit 6'8" 500 pounders, so they truly are "fits all" and toddle around in these things into the plane, barefoot, with wet floppy dirty hemlines, and try to jam ourselves into the airborne cattle cars they euphemistically refer to as "coach". And then get charged 50 bucks for a blanket and a buck if you want to use the toilet. Modern travel, isn't it great!

gef05 December 24, 2010 at 11:06 am

With drugs fed to us intravenously to keep us in a suspended state of stupefaction…

as a frequent AA passenger it's starting to sound not too bad.

V572625694 December 24, 2010 at 11:22 am

Least they could do is give you a prostate check or a Pap smear while they're at it.

PsycWench December 24, 2010 at 11:31 am

I could have had a colonoscopy AND woken up in New England for one low price…

OneDollarJuana December 24, 2010 at 12:13 pm

You know, the actual colonoscopy is waaay better than a plane trip (it's the prep that kills you). The airlines and the TSA could make us much more comfortable if they'd just jam a Versed hypo in each arm as we arrive in the airport. We wouldn't care (or notice much) what they looked at, and for how long, and we'd get a nice nap, too.

Actually, maybe I should start a colonoscopy prep before my next plane trip, just to give the TSA officers some variety.

PsycWench December 24, 2010 at 12:50 pm

Word. If they'd just knock you out for the prep it would be a nice nap after which a stranger brings you graham crackers. As it is, no one over 50 ever drinks Gatoraid out of choice.

GunTotingProgressive December 24, 2010 at 12:13 pm

My vision contains "Tyvek by Du Pont" jumpsuits, Velcro straps (all branded and purchased at significant prices by the TSA) and boards which are slid into slots on the airplane floor. I'm not sure who gets the tranquilizer contracts, since most good tranquilizers are off-patent, and thus not subject to branding upsale. I'm sure Pfizer will come up with something.

OneDollarJuana December 24, 2010 at 12:22 pm

AFAIK, all the drug company needs for a new patent is slightly different packaging. All they have to do is put little wings on the tranqs and hey presto! new patent time.

HistoriCat December 25, 2010 at 6:01 pm

Toilet? No – they're a security risk. Everyone gets to slap on a diaper for the duration of the flight. And forget the paper gown – we'll all be wearing straight-jackets while in the air.

Amaravilha December 24, 2010 at 11:04 am

You know where else terrorists might hide their bombs? In rolling suitcases. Better profile every a–hole traveler trying to cram their monstrosity into the overhead compartment space that I need. Fuckers.

Feliz Navidad, US Amerikuns.

harry_palmer December 24, 2010 at 11:07 am

Another shining legacy of Geo W Bush's preseidency, the gift that keeps on giving – fear, government intrusion etc stemming from the most monumental security fuck-up of all time. On the plus side, he fucked up the economy so bad that the 25% real unemployed can't afford these indignities. It's his way of saying Merry Xmas to us all.

tribbzthesquidz December 24, 2010 at 11:38 am

'Tis the gift that keeps on taking.

DoktorZoom December 24, 2010 at 11:15 am

TSA directives keep getting weirder and more capricious. Are they being generated by throwing darts at a list of possible carryon items, or is the entire organization just a front for a massive conceptual comedy piece?

Andy Kaufman isn't dead–he's secretly running the TSA.

neiltheblaze December 24, 2010 at 11:22 am

But, as we all know, we don't need an adequate railway system at all.

V572625694 December 24, 2010 at 11:24 am

If the Testicle/Twat Stroking Administration had caught even one tairst with their silly performance art theater, you know they'd be trumpeting that success to the skies. Ergo they haven't. Ergo it doesn't work. So let's get rid of it. Everybody agree?

LocalGirlMakesGoo December 24, 2010 at 11:28 am

Well, not entirely. I still like the idea of having them around to administer the ham sammich litmus test.

jim89048 December 24, 2010 at 12:03 pm

Cheap way to garner p-points, but I'm in!

LocalGirlMakesGoo December 24, 2010 at 11:24 am

Great. One less place to hide my flying pills.

Crank_Tango December 24, 2010 at 12:00 pm

keester'em!

Brendan_M December 24, 2010 at 11:25 am

We're Eastern Time Zone in Ohio, out of touch coastal elites.

Pop_Socket December 24, 2010 at 11:28 am

The only use of an insulated container is to keep your water cold after you fill them it from the water fountain on the other side. The TSA must be getting kickbacks from the Overpriced Airport Vendors Association.

Crank_Tango December 24, 2010 at 12:01 pm

without a doubt. and when you get past security, you could go to cinnabomb and get all the macguyver bombmaking equipment you could ever need.

that molten glaze could easily bring down a jetliner.

Steverino247 December 24, 2010 at 11:29 am

Speaking of railway systems, what device has killed more passengers in the past ten years? Bombs or cell phones?

LocalGirlMakesGoo December 24, 2010 at 11:44 am

Ain't no deadly like Caltrain deadly!

weejee December 24, 2010 at 11:37 am

A Federale ixnay on the thermos but still a big thumbs up on cameras, cell phones, and laptops? The TSA is so silly. They need to hire some good engineers who knew their high school vice principal on a first name basis. This is not a job for little angle teacher's pets but folks who spent more than 10 minutes in detention and can think way outside the box. Just sayin'.

V572625694 December 24, 2010 at 12:06 pm

Government employees by definition do not think outside the box. They are the box. Every try JPAS?

JustPixelz December 24, 2010 at 11:47 am

There's a sad futility in all this. Obama gets pounded because the "underwear bomber" (weapon of ass destruction) got on a plane in London. So we get presented every conceivable way someone could get an explosive on the plane. As if a determined suicide attack could be thwarted.

And I don't feel safer.

Tired, drunk, inexperienced pilots crash planes too. Lack of health insurance kills people. Carcinogens in the water kill people. Global warming will probably kill millions, if not billions. Regulations on those killers are called "job killers" and die.

If global warming was linked somehow to terrorists — "Is al Queda is planning to use hotter summers to infiltrate swimming pools?", you decide — the Repubicans would ban CO2 emissions by noon tomorrow.

Crank_Tango December 24, 2010 at 12:04 pm

also, wtf, why attack a plane anymore anyway? aren't there just as many people in a fucking movie theater? I think they forget that on 9/11 the planes were the WEAPON, not the target.

Plowmon December 24, 2010 at 2:01 pm

Because the human animal is a lot tougher to kill than most realize, it'll take a LOT of explosives to kill everyone in a theater. Blow a 2' hole in a theater and it pretty much sits there, blow a 2' hole in a plane at 36k feet and it's probably all over with…

Crank_Tango December 24, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Very good point, but one could still park a u-haul full of ANFO next to tinsel town with no problem at all.
Anyway, if you are going out to see the latest Vince Vaughan vehicle on xmas, death is probably a better alternative.

zhubajie December 24, 2010 at 7:15 pm

As OBL has said himself, all he needs to do is raise a flag somewhere and the US govt will go ape-sh*t!

OneDollarJuana December 24, 2010 at 12:36 pm

Obama should get pounded on this issue. The bulk of the security measures are political theater, purely to make the sheeple feel safer, which of course, they aren't. Things won't change, though, until the public either demands reasonable security, evidence-based security. Or people get so pissed-off at the misery and ever-rising cost of flying that they quit flying and the airlines start suffering financially. Take the train!

iburl December 24, 2010 at 1:02 pm

They made Billions (literally) on the new checked baggage fees last year, anyone who quits flying will be assumed to be because of the economy and they will just raise fees again. None of this will get better without leadership from liberal democrats (funny, I know)

OneDollarJuana December 24, 2010 at 1:08 pm

Actually, they're not doing badly in the lame duck session. Maybe it's due to the screaming (literally) phone calls I've been making to my congresspeople.

Beanball December 24, 2010 at 5:35 pm

Once upon a time, the adage "proceed at your own risk" applied, and Americans seemed more than capable of doing just that. Maybe there were more adults extant as well, but as the light fades for me on this mortal coil, all I can see in every direction is helpless, retarded children.

I hope to be reincarnated as a brick. Perhaps someone will use me to smash a window at the TSA HQ. In any case, I won't have to think about this sort of bullshit idiocy any more.

Karma_Suture December 24, 2010 at 7:07 pm

god… that was………..beautiful

spanks

lulzmonger December 24, 2010 at 10:32 pm

Thank you for Speaking Truth To Stupid … I've been using the phrase "infants with pubic hair" for some time now. Teh Man loves him some infantilization ("50 is the new 30!") because kids don't think so good, they're both lazy & helpless, & their emo-centric reality makes them as easily led as hypnotized chickens.

The Next Big Thing = Hipster Depends with skulls, band logos & flamejobs.

bflrtsplk December 24, 2010 at 11:58 am

Do we really need to know all this BEFORE we head for the airport? Can't they just tell us AFTER we get to gramma's?

jim89048 December 24, 2010 at 4:53 pm

But then you might not come back.

VespulaMaculata December 24, 2010 at 12:03 pm

If Santa doesn't bring this good boy his Palin Chia Pet for Christmas, I'm gonna shame Dawn Davenport's tantrum over those cha cha heels.

iburl December 24, 2010 at 12:55 pm

Nazi Pope vishes you unt yours eine wery merry gas ch…er…um…Christmas!

iburl December 24, 2010 at 12:58 pm

Here is the full list of things that terrorists cannot easily put explosives in:
1) The Sun
This concludes the TSA list of safe carry-on items.

Plowmon December 24, 2010 at 2:02 pm

2) Members of Congress.

iburl December 24, 2010 at 2:59 pm

Barney Frank and Jerry Nadler might surprise you, then.

WhatTheHeck December 24, 2010 at 1:02 pm

The only way not to get cavity-searched, is to super glue all cavities shut.
Take that, TSA.

cheaphits December 24, 2010 at 2:59 pm

TSA continuing the fine tradition of the Spanish Inquisition.

Bluestatelibel December 24, 2010 at 3:10 pm

You'll take my insulated beverage container out of my cold dead hands…Too soon?

PublicLuxury December 24, 2010 at 4:15 pm

Fuckin' A. Fuckin' B and Fuckin'C. If I have to sit next to the fat fucker loping over into my space then I had better have my insulated thermos drinking thing-y.

What will the TSA walking butt plugs do if I chug the contests of said insulated thermos thing-y filled with naughty stuffs. Pump my tummy for the liquid explosives? Stick a fuse in my ass and light it?

zhubajie December 24, 2010 at 7:17 pm

All this has to count as an al-Qaida victory, right?

HistoriCat December 25, 2010 at 6:06 pm

The entire TSA is an AQ victory. The slow self-demolishing of American ideals is the ultimate AQ victory/

lulzmonger December 24, 2010 at 10:35 pm

The TSA just gave Bin Laden yet another Xmas present.

SANTA AKBAR, INFIDEL DOGS!

OneDollarJuana December 24, 2010 at 1:06 pm

No kidding! I can't really drink apple juice anymore, either, because when I was younger my doc made me drink quarts of apple juice along with my laxatives and enemas (I've been blessed with colonoscopies for decades).

Lascauxcaveman December 24, 2010 at 1:15 pm

I've never had a colonoscopy, nor heard one described in detail, but I just turned 50 and you people are scaring the hell out of me.

V572625694 December 24, 2010 at 5:19 pm

I can send you the DVD of mine

DemmeFatale December 26, 2010 at 2:23 am

Do you like lemon jello?

DemmeFatale December 26, 2010 at 11:15 am

You REALLY would be scared if you overheard the nurses in the other cubicles (where I got mine) swapping stories about seeing peoples' "big honking polyps."
Yeah, the prep sucks, but you're a big boy, and it is the gold standard of tests.

Spanky2a December 25, 2010 at 8:03 pm

or post the Youtube link…

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