our fragile nation

TSA Announces War On Xmas Against … ‘Insulated Beverage Containers’

Merry Xmas, Allah!Christmas Eve is a very exciting travel day because it’s one of the busiest, most insane times to attempt to get on a plane. Plus, the weather is guaranteed to be pretty horrible because it’s winter. Also, there’s horrific stress as millions of people try to get across the country at the last possible minute because Christmas Eve is both the official start of the Yuletide Family Gathering and a regular work day. Terrible all around! Luckily we have the Homeland Security clown theater troupe, “TSA,” to come up with some random bullshit to ruin whatever hasn’t been ruined by common crowds and weather.

See that coffee thermos thing on your desk? Is that something anyone would even consider trying to walk through airport security when the goons are freaking out over breast milk in little clear plastic bottles? Well, what do we know about anything, ha ha, because apparently lots of people love to carry “insulated beverage containers” through security and apparently this is totally legit. (Because some mysterious canister thing made of metal and kryptonite should be an acceptable carry on item, while a plastic bottle of water must be poured out in a garbage can, for laughs.)

CNN, take it away:

(CNN) — The Transportation Security Administration issued a statement Thursday signaling its intention to focus on insulated beverage containers, noting growing concerns that terrorists might conceal explosives inside such items.


Passengers can still carry insulated beverage containers through security and onto flights, the federal agency noted.

We are super sorry for anyone who has to fly today. Then again, Santa may have to stop bringing a thermos of brandy on every Southwest flight all night as he goes from town to town — last year, Santa was so ruined by the time he hit the Central Time Zone that he pooped on a stewardess and dropped most of America’s presents over a Superfund site in Ohio. [CNN]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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    1. dyedwool

      Not sure, but this is one of the first photos I've seen of Snowki where the magic of her Bumpit(tm) is lost due to the crap photo-cropping job.

      1. LocalGirlMakesGoo

        +1 for "Snowki."

        Interesting aside – "Jersey Shore" is immensely popular in Japan. For whatever reason, though (cultural/geographical reference being too vague?), in Japan it has been re-branded as "The Macaroni Rascals."

  1. CapnFatback

    You'll know things are officially out of hand when TSA agents start freaking out about breast milk in their original containers.

  2. gef05

    The TSA goons must be so distracted by all these "heightened awareness" shticks that the easiest way to get a bomb on board a plane is to carry a large black device with a burning fuse and the word BOMB printed on the side of it.

    1. zhubajie

      How do you get to be a TSA agent, anyway? Sentenced by a judge? It has to be the worst job in the world!

  3. Rotundo_

    Eventually we will have to strip down, have cavity checks and wear single use paper gowns to fly, sized to fit 6'8" 500 pounders, so they truly are "fits all" and toddle around in these things into the plane, barefoot, with wet floppy dirty hemlines, and try to jam ourselves into the airborne cattle cars they euphemistically refer to as "coach". And then get charged 50 bucks for a blanket and a buck if you want to use the toilet. Modern travel, isn't it great!

    1. gef05

      With drugs fed to us intravenously to keep us in a suspended state of stupefaction…

      as a frequent AA passenger it's starting to sound not too bad.

        1. OneDollarJuana

          You know, the actual colonoscopy is waaay better than a plane trip (it's the prep that kills you). The airlines and the TSA could make us much more comfortable if they'd just jam a Versed hypo in each arm as we arrive in the airport. We wouldn't care (or notice much) what they looked at, and for how long, and we'd get a nice nap, too.

          Actually, maybe I should start a colonoscopy prep before my next plane trip, just to give the TSA officers some variety.

          1. PsycWench

            Word. If they'd just knock you out for the prep it would be a nice nap after which a stranger brings you graham crackers. As it is, no one over 50 ever drinks Gatoraid out of choice.

          2. OneDollarJuana

            No kidding! I can't really drink apple juice anymore, either, because when I was younger my doc made me drink quarts of apple juice along with my laxatives and enemas (I've been blessed with colonoscopies for decades).

          3. DemmeFatale

            You REALLY would be scared if you overheard the nurses in the other cubicles (where I got mine) swapping stories about seeing peoples' "big honking polyps."
            Yeah, the prep sucks, but you're a big boy, and it is the gold standard of tests.

    2. GunTotingProgressive

      My vision contains "Tyvek by Du Pont" jumpsuits, Velcro straps (all branded and purchased at significant prices by the TSA) and boards which are slid into slots on the airplane floor. I'm not sure who gets the tranquilizer contracts, since most good tranquilizers are off-patent, and thus not subject to branding upsale. I'm sure Pfizer will come up with something.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        AFAIK, all the drug company needs for a new patent is slightly different packaging. All they have to do is put little wings on the tranqs and hey presto! new patent time.

    3. HistoriCat

      Toilet? No – they're a security risk. Everyone gets to slap on a diaper for the duration of the flight. And forget the paper gown – we'll all be wearing straight-jackets while in the air.

  4. Amaravilha

    You know where else terrorists might hide their bombs? In rolling suitcases. Better profile every a–hole traveler trying to cram their monstrosity into the overhead compartment space that I need. Fuckers.

    Feliz Navidad, US Amerikuns.

  5. harry_palmer

    Another shining legacy of Geo W Bush's preseidency, the gift that keeps on giving – fear, government intrusion etc stemming from the most monumental security fuck-up of all time. On the plus side, he fucked up the economy so bad that the 25% real unemployed can't afford these indignities. It's his way of saying Merry Xmas to us all.

  6. DoktorZoom

    TSA directives keep getting weirder and more capricious. Are they being generated by throwing darts at a list of possible carryon items, or is the entire organization just a front for a massive conceptual comedy piece?

    Andy Kaufman isn't dead–he's secretly running the TSA.

  7. V572625694

    If the Testicle/Twat Stroking Administration had caught even one tairst with their silly performance art theater, you know they'd be trumpeting that success to the skies. Ergo they haven't. Ergo it doesn't work. So let's get rid of it. Everybody agree?

    1. LocalGirlMakesGoo

      Well, not entirely. I still like the idea of having them around to administer the ham sammich litmus test.

  8. Pop_Socket

    The only use of an insulated container is to keep your water cold after you fill them it from the water fountain on the other side. The TSA must be getting kickbacks from the Overpriced Airport Vendors Association.

    1. Crank_Tango

      without a doubt. and when you get past security, you could go to cinnabomb and get all the macguyver bombmaking equipment you could ever need.

      that molten glaze could easily bring down a jetliner.

  9. Steverino247

    Speaking of railway systems, what device has killed more passengers in the past ten years? Bombs or cell phones?

  10. weejee

    A Federale ixnay on the thermos but still a big thumbs up on cameras, cell phones, and laptops? The TSA is so silly. They need to hire some good engineers who knew their high school vice principal on a first name basis. This is not a job for little angle teacher's pets but folks who spent more than 10 minutes in detention and can think way outside the box. Just sayin'.

  11. JustPixelz

    There's a sad futility in all this. Obama gets pounded because the "underwear bomber" (weapon of ass destruction) got on a plane in London. So we get presented every conceivable way someone could get an explosive on the plane. As if a determined suicide attack could be thwarted.

    And I don't feel safer.

    Tired, drunk, inexperienced pilots crash planes too. Lack of health insurance kills people. Carcinogens in the water kill people. Global warming will probably kill millions, if not billions. Regulations on those killers are called "job killers" and die.

    If global warming was linked somehow to terrorists — "Is al Queda is planning to use hotter summers to infiltrate swimming pools?", you decide — the Repubicans would ban CO2 emissions by noon tomorrow.

    1. Crank_Tango

      also, wtf, why attack a plane anymore anyway? aren't there just as many people in a fucking movie theater? I think they forget that on 9/11 the planes were the WEAPON, not the target.

      1. Plowmon

        Because the human animal is a lot tougher to kill than most realize, it'll take a LOT of explosives to kill everyone in a theater. Blow a 2' hole in a theater and it pretty much sits there, blow a 2' hole in a plane at 36k feet and it's probably all over with…

        1. Crank_Tango

          Very good point, but one could still park a u-haul full of ANFO next to tinsel town with no problem at all.
          Anyway, if you are going out to see the latest Vince Vaughan vehicle on xmas, death is probably a better alternative.

      2. zhubajie

        As OBL has said himself, all he needs to do is raise a flag somewhere and the US govt will go ape-sh*t!

    2. OneDollarJuana

      Obama should get pounded on this issue. The bulk of the security measures are political theater, purely to make the sheeple feel safer, which of course, they aren't. Things won't change, though, until the public either demands reasonable security, evidence-based security. Or people get so pissed-off at the misery and ever-rising cost of flying that they quit flying and the airlines start suffering financially. Take the train!

      1. iburl

        They made Billions (literally) on the new checked baggage fees last year, anyone who quits flying will be assumed to be because of the economy and they will just raise fees again. None of this will get better without leadership from liberal democrats (funny, I know)

        1. OneDollarJuana

          Actually, they're not doing badly in the lame duck session. Maybe it's due to the screaming (literally) phone calls I've been making to my congresspeople.

    3. Beanball

      Once upon a time, the adage "proceed at your own risk" applied, and Americans seemed more than capable of doing just that. Maybe there were more adults extant as well, but as the light fades for me on this mortal coil, all I can see in every direction is helpless, retarded children.

      I hope to be reincarnated as a brick. Perhaps someone will use me to smash a window at the TSA HQ. In any case, I won't have to think about this sort of bullshit idiocy any more.

      1. lulzmonger

        Thank you for Speaking Truth To Stupid … I've been using the phrase "infants with pubic hair" for some time now. Teh Man loves him some infantilization ("50 is the new 30!") because kids don't think so good, they're both lazy & helpless, & their emo-centric reality makes them as easily led as hypnotized chickens.

        The Next Big Thing = Hipster Depends with skulls, band logos & flamejobs.

  12. bflrtsplk

    Do we really need to know all this BEFORE we head for the airport? Can't they just tell us AFTER we get to gramma's?

  13. VespulaMaculata

    If Santa doesn't bring this good boy his Palin Chia Pet for Christmas, I'm gonna shame Dawn Davenport's tantrum over those cha cha heels.

  14. iburl

    Here is the full list of things that terrorists cannot easily put explosives in:
    1) The Sun
    This concludes the TSA list of safe carry-on items.

  15. PublicLuxury

    Fuckin' A. Fuckin' B and Fuckin'C. If I have to sit next to the fat fucker loping over into my space then I had better have my insulated thermos drinking thing-y.

    What will the TSA walking butt plugs do if I chug the contests of said insulated thermos thing-y filled with naughty stuffs. Pump my tummy for the liquid explosives? Stick a fuse in my ass and light it?

    1. HistoriCat

      The entire TSA is an AQ victory. The slow self-demolishing of American ideals is the ultimate AQ victory/

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