terrorism reviews

Confused (?) People (?) Hit Chilean, Swiss Embassies With Parcel Bombs

A package bomb exploded at the Chilean embassy and at the Swiss embassy in Rome today, injuring the one person (intern? professional Santa?) who opened them at each location, but not killing him(s) or her(s). On its surface, this is one of the most confusing bombings in recent history, because aren’t there, well, better things to bomb? Let’s do a review of this terrorist attack.

We are not advocating terrorism by any means, and we’re grateful nobody died or whatever, but c’mon, bombers.

1. Location
Really? Rome? What is this, a Fellini film? Get with the modern world.

2. Choice of embassies
What is Switzerland’s response to this supposed to be other than, “Why the fuck would somebody bomb us?” What are you trying to do, make them more neutral on global intervention and entanglements? Impossible. They’re not trying to take over your homeland/religious homeland! Don’t worry!

And Chile? You feel threatened by a country the width of a Toyota Corolla? Are you upset by the celebrity of those cheerful trapped-miner guys?

“It’s a wave of terrorism against embassies, something much more worrisome than a single attack,” Mayor Gianni Alemanno told reporters.

Yes, much more worrisome when they pick actual countries with actual weapons and actual things to be angered about.

3. Choice of day
Oh! Christmas Eve Eve, the day when the Virgin Mary had a craving for orange sherbet and tamales and spent the day watching a season of Lost DVDs. Our most holy of days.

4. Carnage level
Why did you even bother?

Terrorism review: 1.2
Don’t even bother renting this one. [NYT]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. BaldarTFlagass

    Say what you will, no one has a cooler uniform cap device/emblem than the Italian Carabinieri. (at 0:15)

    Obviously, Fedex got the wrong address and fucked up the delivery of the printer cartridges.

    1. SmutBoffin

      Ha, in Italy the carabinieri are renowned for their combination of stupidity and swagger, much like the 'Southern cop' archetype here in the USA.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Also, service is compulsory, I have a couple buddies that had the choice of Carabinieri or Esercito (army) and opted for the Keystone Cops. They said it was a joke.

    2. PresBeeblebrox

      The only cooler Cop Hat is that of the Spanish Guardia Civil, which look like Cap'n Crunch hats without the buckle.

      Oh, and there's also the New Jersey State Police, whose uniforms look a hell of a lot like those of the Waffen SS, sans Totenkopf (I think they don't have it, anyway…)

  2. elviouslyqueer

    Everybody calm down. The explosions were just part of Sylvia Poggioli's reaction after she found out how much Juan Williams was getting for his book advance.

        1. SorosBot

          Also a far-right Senator who hated any attempts to help the poor, invented the filibuster, and caused a civil war out of spite; that douchebag was a fit for the fellow douchebags at that institute.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Swiss Army Knife, pfft. They are actually after the elusive Swiss Navy Knife. Now, THAT's a knife.

  3. SheriffRoscoe

    Looks like somebody doesn't like that cuckoo-clock they received from Aunt Gladys' estate. I always thought cuckoo clocks were more of a Bavarian novelty, not Swiss.

  4. Steverino247

    French vinyard workers on vacation in Italy upset about Chilean wines being called Champagne and waging a terrorist war against Switzerland over chocolate supplies. Or something…

    1. PresBeeblebrox

      As long as it's not between noon and 3:30, the raging might of Italy will swarm over the Alps…

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    Being of Swiss extraction myself, I can sort of understand. I mean, let's be honest, the Swiss are nothing more than French, but with a bath.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Yeah, tell the Corsicans, Alsatians, and Basques (among others) that!

        I think the French finally made French their official language in, like, 1992 or something…

    1. Negropolis

      You try telling that to the German and Italian Swiss.

      Anyway, ever since their those teatards banned fuckin' minarets on mosque (apparently, they didn't have enough balls to do a full-out mosque ban, but were enough of cowards to send a "fuck you" to Muslims) I've had their number. Fuckin' holier-than-thou hypocrites.

      Wait, isn't this the country that didn't allow women to vote until the 80's or some shit? How they've ever managed to come across as enlightened is beyond me. I guess it proves that wealth (which is devised from Nazi gold and stolen portraits, anyway) can't buy you class.

  6. horsedreamer_1

    I would blame Carlos the Jackal, but he's dead. & Kaczynski? He's in 23.5 hrs/day confinement.

    Must be a new wave of nihilist provocateurs.

  7. GuanoFaucet

    Um, I was 4 blocks! away when this happened, or something, so maybe it is a bit inappropriate to post about this so soon.

    /old wonkette meme

  8. LionelHutzEsq

    Still, in the old days, Bush would crank the terror level to Chartreuse and start ease dropping on anyone that had their radio tuned to NPR.

    Why does Obama take the side of the terrorist and hate America so?

  9. BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe it was a delayed reaction (almost 40 years!) to the Chileans for allowing Allende to be ousted by ITT, Anaconda Copper, and the CIA, and the Swiss for allowing Pinochet to squirrel away all that money.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    Did the Chileans recently beat Argentina or Bolivia in a soccer match?

    Also: Free Liechtenstein!!!

  11. DemonicRage

    The Roman coffee bar owners are outraged that the new "Green" generation in Europe prefers Yerba Mate, the green tea-like Chilean drink, to cafe latte.

  12. ttommyunger

    Holiday Postal fuck-up. Was supposed to be Chili's Restaurant in Rome, Georgia. If you'd ever eaten there, you'd understand.

  13. SmutBoffin

    Well, the FBI is in the terrorism business now. Of course, they don't want to do anything to a country that could actually retaliate, so Chile and Swizzerland it is!

  14. SheriffRoscoe

    Down in like the fifth paragraph, the article mentions the embassies of New Zealand and Holland are on heightened alert.

      1. SheriffRoscoe

        I have two policies regarding thumbs-upping my wonkette brothers and sisters. They go like this: if your comment makes me laugh out loud, I thumb you up. If I don't get your comment at all, I figure it must therefore be very clever, and I thumb you up.

        1. Negropolis

          Ha! I see I'm not the only one that uses such criteria. Really, if you want a thumbs-up from me for sure, just think up the most obscure reference you can pull out of your ass.

    1. SmutBoffin

      The Dadaists will retaliate by staging a 3 act play where everyone wears mackerel on their heads and speaks through kazoos.

      1. 102415

        I did that play years ago and I'll tell you learning all the words and music was a bitch and my head stank for weeks after it closed. Fuck Spider Man Turn Off The Dark.

    1. Naked_Bunny

      WikiLeaks supports would have sent a parcel filled with 5 pounds of scathing rebukes and maybe a thumbdrive with a virus on it.

    2. zhubajie

      Chile was home to Miguel Serrano, one of the prophets of esoteric Hitlerism as well as Pablo Neruda, Commie poet. They were both diplomats, so presumably knew each other. A weird place, anyhoo.

  15. weejee

    The Carabinieri are pretty and well dressed, but intellectually they are toads. Is Aurelio Zen on this case? If not, then they need to get him there stat.

  16. itsjesuscriss

    Someone was making chili and wanted swiss cheese to sprinkle on top, but the cheese had turned. They retaliated.

  17. x111e7thst

    I have 2 competing theories.
    1. the bombs were directed at the Bilderbergs/Rosicrucians
    2. the bombs were sent by the Bilderbergs/Rosicrucians

    1. SmutBoffin

      3. The bombs were sent by the Bilderbergers/Rosicrucians and directed at the Bilderbergers/Rosicrucians. They are just that subtle.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        The bombs were sent by two sides of the Trilateral Commission while the third side was in the bathroom.

    2. PresBeeblebrox

      3. The Bombs were made by the Bilderbergs/Rosicrucians as part of an Elaborate Plot involving the Rothschilds, 33nd Degree Masons, Adam Weishaupt, and The International Jew.

  18. Come here a minute

    This is the crappiest Holiday Bombing™ ever — with the Shoe Bomb followed by the Underpants Bomb, it appeared the terrorists had nowhere to go but the Lung Bomb, the Heart Bomb, or even the Heart-Lung Bomb.

    Very disappointing. Maybe next year.

    1. bflrtsplk

      Stick with articles of clothing – the see through nightie bomb, the knee pad bomb and the edible underwear bomb.

  19. bumfug

    These terrorists will be sorry when the Swiss Army starts working them over with the corkscrews in their knives.

    1. Steverino247

      No shit! You know how many people want to yodel The Star Spangled Banner these days? It's a conspiracy, I tells ya.

  20. BorderJumper!

    Two theories for the Chilean embassy:
    1) Dumb terrorists mistook the Chilean flag for Texas'
    2) In retaliation for Chilean-born Snookie claiming to be Italian

    1. horsedreamer_1

      No. 2: seriously?

      She might well be ethnically Italian, at least, so even if yes, not a lie. Just like Ronnie (the 'roided, violent one) is half-Italian, half-Puerto-Rican.

  21. neiltheblaze

    Maybe Pinochet's relatives are mad at the Swiss for forking over his bank accounts to the Chilean authorities. I have no idea if they did that at all, but it's the only thing I can come up with.

  22. CapeClod

    New theory: Person who wanted better Associated Press news content than some crappy post landslide footage from California.

    This makes Ken Layne the No. 1 suspect.

    1. Ducksworthy

      I think you got it right on Switzerland. Also, it took them a long time to figure out how to put together the bombs. But Chile?

    1. horsedreamer_1

      Or, the ambassadors went to one of Silvio's bunga-bunga bacchanals & stiffed the procurer of the nite's talent.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Zvi has it right this time. Celebrity chefs aren't to be fucked. Wait, it's the chefs who are sending those poor bass into extinction.

      Okay. confused celebrity chefs.

  23. DustBowlBlues

    If they were in Rome in the first place, why not the Vatican? Let those fucking Swiss Guard guys in the clown suits earn their daily bread for a change.

  24. user-of-owls

    I was going to suggest our favowite wittle Aryan TV pundit, but Switzerland and Chile?! Outside of Scandinavia or a bowl of mashed potatoes, you're not going to find anything much whiter than those two places.*

    *Mapuches notwithstanding.

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