TERRORISM REVIEWS  1:09 pm December 23, 2010

Confused (?) People (?) Hit Chilean, Swiss Embassies With Parcel Bombs

by Jack Stuef


A package bomb exploded at the Chilean embassy and at the Swiss embassy in Rome today, injuring the one person (intern? professional Santa?) who opened them at each location, but not killing him(s) or her(s). On its surface, this is one of the most confusing bombings in recent history, because aren’t there, well, better things to bomb? Let’s do a review of this terrorist attack.

We are not advocating terrorism by any means, and we’re grateful nobody died or whatever, but c’mon, bombers.

1. Location
Really? Rome? What is this, a Fellini film? Get with the modern world.

2. Choice of embassies
What is Switzerland’s response to this supposed to be other than, “Why the fuck would somebody bomb us?” What are you trying to do, make them more neutral on global intervention and entanglements? Impossible. They’re not trying to take over your homeland/religious homeland! Don’t worry!

And Chile? You feel threatened by a country the width of a Toyota Corolla? Are you upset by the celebrity of those cheerful trapped-miner guys?

“It’s a wave of terrorism against embassies, something much more worrisome than a single attack,” Mayor Gianni Alemanno told reporters.

Yes, much more worrisome when they pick actual countries with actual weapons and actual things to be angered about.

3. Choice of day
Oh! Christmas Eve Eve, the day when the Virgin Mary had a craving for orange sherbet and tamales and spent the day watching a season of Lost DVDs. Our most holy of days.

4. Carnage level
Why did you even bother?

Terrorism review: 1.2
Don’t even bother renting this one. [NYT]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 143 comments }

Lascauxcaveman December 23, 2010 at 1:14 pm

Obviously a hobbyist. Just got tired of napalming his GI Joes in the backyard.

Dr_pangloss December 23, 2010 at 8:45 pm

More like a Unibomber with a hard on for coocooclocks and loose banking regulations.

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Say what you will, no one has a cooler uniform cap device/emblem than the Italian Carabinieri. (at 0:15)

Obviously, Fedex got the wrong address and fucked up the delivery of the printer cartridges.

elviouslyqueer December 23, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Hot Italian cops, also! *Fap fap fap.*

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 1:20 pm

See, something for everyone!!!

SmutBoffin December 23, 2010 at 1:28 pm

Ha, in Italy the carabinieri are renowned for their combination of stupidity and swagger, much like the 'Southern cop' archetype here in the USA.

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Also, service is compulsory, I have a couple buddies that had the choice of Carabinieri or Esercito (army) and opted for the Keystone Cops. They said it was a joke.

donner_froh December 23, 2010 at 6:39 pm

They are (or at least were) part of the army and are as competenza, zelante and approfondita as one would expect from the Italian armed services.

PresBeeblebrox December 23, 2010 at 5:18 pm

The only cooler Cop Hat is that of the Spanish Guardia Civil, which look like Cap'n Crunch hats without the buckle.

Oh, and there's also the New Jersey State Police, whose uniforms look a hell of a lot like those of the Waffen SS, sans Totenkopf (I think they don't have it, anyway…)

elviouslyqueer December 23, 2010 at 1:17 pm

Everybody calm down. The explosions were just part of Sylvia Poggioli's reaction after she found out how much Juan Williams was getting for his book advance.

chickensmack December 23, 2010 at 2:14 pm

You get two extra pee points for knowing how to spell her name.

vulpes82 December 23, 2010 at 4:12 pm

Yes, but can he say it in that uniquely "Italian" way she does?

CapeClod December 23, 2010 at 2:45 pm

Was she still stationed in "Dakaaaaaaar!"?

drrty_martini December 23, 2010 at 5:53 pm

Cape, you're thinking of Ofeibea Quist-Arcton! Uh…I'll go back to chooching to my Ladies of NPR CD – a Christmas Eve Eve tradition of mine.

CapeClod December 23, 2010 at 6:45 pm

Damn, you're right.

V572625694 December 23, 2010 at 6:53 pm

I was wondering how to spell her name. Thank you.

CalamityJames December 23, 2010 at 1:17 pm

Drawing of Muhammad or GTFO.

SorosBot December 23, 2010 at 1:19 pm

An attack on Rome? It must be those filthy heathen Carthaginians.

simplyblue7 December 23, 2010 at 1:24 pm

payback is a bitch! that's for what they did in the punic wars, bastards.

horsedreamer_1 December 23, 2010 at 2:01 pm

You could say they…

[removes glasses]

Salted away their revenge.

tcaalaw December 23, 2010 at 2:20 pm

My eyes started spontaneously bleeding as I read that….

SorosBot December 23, 2010 at 2:49 pm

That was a very pun-ic comment.

PhilippePetain December 23, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Oh man, that was worth so many more thumbs than what I'm allowed to give you.

horsedreamer_1 December 23, 2010 at 1:25 pm

A single elephant was seen fleeing.

TanzbodenKoenig December 23, 2010 at 1:54 pm

Back over the Alps?

Grief_Lessons December 23, 2010 at 1:43 pm

Carthago delenda est.

Ducksworthy December 23, 2010 at 1:51 pm

That's why they named it the Cato institute. Endless war.

SorosBot December 23, 2010 at 2:01 pm

Also a far-right Senator who hated any attempts to help the poor, invented the filibuster, and caused a civil war out of spite; that douchebag was a fit for the fellow douchebags at that institute.

Oblios_Cap December 23, 2010 at 1:20 pm

I guess they hate chocolate, watches and miners. In no particular order.

HistoriCat December 23, 2010 at 1:36 pm

It's the knives – they have serious Swiss Army Knife envy.

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 1:48 pm

Swiss Army Knife, pfft. They are actually after the elusive Swiss Navy Knife. Now, THAT's a knife.

tcaalaw December 23, 2010 at 3:22 pm

I believe the Geneva Nautical Society has one of those on display next to the 32nd America's Cup.

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 23, 2010 at 3:46 pm

I see you've played Knifey-Spooney before.

SheriffRoscoe December 23, 2010 at 1:20 pm

Looks like somebody doesn't like that cuckoo-clock they received from Aunt Gladys' estate. I always thought cuckoo clocks were more of a Bavarian novelty, not Swiss.

V572625694 December 23, 2010 at 6:56 pm

C'mon, you never saw "The Third Man"?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dv1QDlWbS8g

Steverino247 December 23, 2010 at 1:22 pm

French vinyard workers on vacation in Italy upset about Chilean wines being called Champagne and waging a terrorist war against Switzerland over chocolate supplies. Or something…

StillGoinGreen December 23, 2010 at 1:22 pm

I fear we have awoken TWO sleeping giants.

PresBeeblebrox December 23, 2010 at 5:20 pm

As long as it's not between noon and 3:30, the raging might of Italy will swarm over the Alps…

Clancy_Pants December 23, 2010 at 5:58 pm

And… they rolled over and went back to sleep. So much for filling them with a terrible resolve.

BklynIlluminati December 23, 2010 at 1:22 pm

No one suspects the Spanish Inquisition!

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Being of Swiss extraction myself, I can sort of understand. I mean, let's be honest, the Swiss are nothing more than French, but with a bath.

SheriffRoscoe December 23, 2010 at 1:26 pm

Haha. But hey, at least the French can settle on one language!

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 1:42 pm

Yeah, tell the Corsicans, Alsatians, and Basques (among others) that!

I think the French finally made French their official language in, like, 1992 or something…

SheriffRoscoe December 23, 2010 at 1:47 pm

True dat. They don't speak French in Paris either, if you really think about it.

zhubajie December 24, 2010 at 1:25 am

Provencal people get quite bitter when they tell you about attempts to stamp out their language!

PresBeeblebrox December 23, 2010 at 5:21 pm

Or Germans without the attitude, or Italians without the naps.

zhubajie December 24, 2010 at 1:25 am

Germans with more of the attitude! Other Germans just roll their eyes when you mention the Swiss!

zhubajie December 23, 2010 at 5:36 pm

Don't forget the Swiss Germans and their excessive "rules are rules" mentality.

Negropolis December 23, 2010 at 11:37 pm

You try telling that to the German and Italian Swiss.

Anyway, ever since their those teatards banned fuckin' minarets on mosque (apparently, they didn't have enough balls to do a full-out mosque ban, but were enough of cowards to send a "fuck you" to Muslims) I've had their number. Fuckin' holier-than-thou hypocrites.

Wait, isn't this the country that didn't allow women to vote until the 80's or some shit? How they've ever managed to come across as enlightened is beyond me. I guess it proves that wealth (which is devised from Nazi gold and stolen portraits, anyway) can't buy you class.

jim89048 December 23, 2010 at 1:25 pm

There's a Holocaust Connection in here, probably, if you really stretch it.

Mahousu December 23, 2010 at 1:40 pm

Rats, just when we thought we had a winner, it goes into extra innings.

SmutBoffin December 23, 2010 at 1:43 pm

They've already declared a winner, but some people are sore losers.

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 1:45 pm

See: Joe Miller.

PhilippePetain December 23, 2010 at 2:54 pm

Everyone was just excited because the guy was considered a 6:1 untermensch.

imissopus December 23, 2010 at 10:16 pm

Hey, you know who else wanted to, uh, bomb the Swiss?

horsedreamer_1 December 23, 2010 at 1:26 pm

I would blame Carlos the Jackal, but he's dead. & Kaczynski? He's in 23.5 hrs/day confinement.

Must be a new wave of nihilist provocateurs.

Failure_Artist December 23, 2010 at 9:22 pm

Or maybe Kaczynski uses his half hour of freedom very efficiently.

zhubajie December 24, 2010 at 1:26 am

Italian lefty anarchists

VinnyThePooh December 23, 2010 at 1:27 pm

Rome? It had to be in retaliation to a vehicle parking incident.

GuanoFaucet December 23, 2010 at 1:28 pm

Um, I was 4 blocks! away when this happened, or something, so maybe it is a bit inappropriate to post about this so soon.

/old wonkette meme

LionelHutzEsq December 23, 2010 at 1:28 pm

Still, in the old days, Bush would crank the terror level to Chartreuse and start ease dropping on anyone that had their radio tuned to NPR.

Why does Obama take the side of the terrorist and hate America so?

PresBeeblebrox December 23, 2010 at 5:22 pm

Because he is Morally Weak.

Negropolis December 23, 2010 at 11:39 pm

Does Morally Weak write for the NY Times? It sounds like a very elitist given name.

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Maybe it was a delayed reaction (almost 40 years!) to the Chileans for allowing Allende to be ousted by ITT, Anaconda Copper, and the CIA, and the Swiss for allowing Pinochet to squirrel away all that money.

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 1:33 pm

Did the Chileans recently beat Argentina or Bolivia in a soccer match?

Also: Free Liechtenstein!!!

Negropolis December 23, 2010 at 11:41 pm

From what? Centuries of insignificance and boredom?

DemonicRage December 23, 2010 at 1:34 pm

The Roman coffee bar owners are outraged that the new "Green" generation in Europe prefers Yerba Mate, the green tea-like Chilean drink, to cafe latte.

ttommyunger December 23, 2010 at 1:35 pm

Holiday Postal fuck-up. Was supposed to be Chili's Restaurant in Rome, Georgia. If you'd ever eaten there, you'd understand.

LionelHutzEsq December 23, 2010 at 3:19 pm

But don't they serve pork? They should be safe then.

ttommyunger December 23, 2010 at 11:39 pm

All meats are mystery meat with different names.

bflrtsplk December 23, 2010 at 7:24 pm

Fed Ex. When it absolutely has to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

ttommyunger December 23, 2010 at 11:35 pm

LOL!

SmutBoffin December 23, 2010 at 1:35 pm

Well, the FBI is in the terrorism business now. Of course, they don't want to do anything to a country that could actually retaliate, so Chile and Swizzerland it is!

DCHatesMe December 23, 2010 at 1:35 pm

Wise guys bearing gifts.

SmutBoffin December 23, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Terrorism review: 1.2

I give it 3 out of 5 crotch-bombs.

SheriffRoscoe December 23, 2010 at 1:38 pm

Down in like the fifth paragraph, the article mentions the embassies of New Zealand and Holland are on heightened alert.

SmutBoffin December 23, 2010 at 1:46 pm

NO! Stay safe, Murray Hewitt…

SheriffRoscoe December 23, 2010 at 2:00 pm

I have two policies regarding thumbs-upping my wonkette brothers and sisters. They go like this: if your comment makes me laugh out loud, I thumb you up. If I don't get your comment at all, I figure it must therefore be very clever, and I thumb you up.

Negropolis December 23, 2010 at 11:43 pm

Ha! I see I'm not the only one that uses such criteria. Really, if you want a thumbs-up from me for sure, just think up the most obscure reference you can pull out of your ass.

donner_froh December 23, 2010 at 1:39 pm

Retaliation against the Swiss for the founding of DaDa in Zurich,1916. Tristan Tzara has a lot to answer for.

Lascauxcaveman December 23, 2010 at 1:51 pm

But I thought that's what WWII was for?

SmutBoffin December 23, 2010 at 1:54 pm

The Dadaists will retaliate by staging a 3 act play where everyone wears mackerel on their heads and speaks through kazoos.

horsedreamer_1 December 23, 2010 at 2:35 pm

It will kill with my city's nouveau vaudeville (Dead Man's Carnival) crowd.
http://www.myspace.com/deadmanscarnival

102415 December 23, 2010 at 8:22 pm

I did that play years ago and I'll tell you learning all the words and music was a bitch and my head stank for weeks after it closed. Fuck Spider Man Turn Off The Dark.

zhubajie December 24, 2010 at 1:28 am

For destroying Burgundy 500+ years ago?

SorosBot December 23, 2010 at 1:40 pm

Fuckin' parcel bombs, how do they work?

(Not very well, apparently).

horsedreamer_1 December 23, 2010 at 2:03 pm

You've got such a… magnetic personality.

BlueStateLibel December 23, 2010 at 1:41 pm

Switzerland = supporters of Julian Assange? Chile = I have no idea.

Naked_Bunny December 23, 2010 at 2:12 pm

WikiLeaks supports would have sent a parcel filled with 5 pounds of scathing rebukes and maybe a thumbdrive with a virus on it.

UW8316154 December 23, 2010 at 7:09 pm

and a ripped condom.

Negropolis December 23, 2010 at 11:46 pm

Or a thumbdrive with a years-worth of Gaga songs on it.

zhubajie December 24, 2010 at 1:30 am

Chile was home to Miguel Serrano, one of the prophets of esoteric Hitlerism as well as Pablo Neruda, Commie poet. They were both diplomats, so presumably knew each other. A weird place, anyhoo.

bflrtsplk December 24, 2010 at 6:10 am

Simple really. Not enough Swiss cheese on the Chile. Solved.

weejee December 23, 2010 at 1:44 pm

The Carabinieri are pretty and well dressed, but intellectually they are toads. Is Aurelio Zen on this case? If not, then they need to get him there stat.

itsjesuscriss December 23, 2010 at 1:46 pm

Someone was making chili and wanted swiss cheese to sprinkle on top, but the cheese had turned. They retaliated.

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 1:51 pm

Just like a pit bull, you never know when that Swiss cheese is going to turn on you.

UW8316154 December 23, 2010 at 7:10 pm

The swiss cheese speculation is filled with holes.

V572625694 December 23, 2010 at 7:03 pm

If you put Swiss cheese on chili, you deserved an attempted bombing. It's jack, man.

x111e7thst December 23, 2010 at 1:52 pm

I have 2 competing theories.
1. the bombs were directed at the Bilderbergs/Rosicrucians
2. the bombs were sent by the Bilderbergs/Rosicrucians

SmutBoffin December 23, 2010 at 2:12 pm

3. The bombs were sent by the Bilderbergers/Rosicrucians and directed at the Bilderbergers/Rosicrucians. They are just that subtle.

OneDollarJuana December 23, 2010 at 3:41 pm

The bombs were sent by two sides of the Trilateral Commission while the third side was in the bathroom.

PresBeeblebrox December 23, 2010 at 5:24 pm

3. The Bombs were made by the Bilderbergs/Rosicrucians as part of an Elaborate Plot involving the Rothschilds, 33nd Degree Masons, Adam Weishaupt, and The International Jew.

imissopus December 23, 2010 at 10:21 pm

And Colonel Sanders with his wee beady eyes!

Come here a minute December 23, 2010 at 1:52 pm

This is the crappiest Holiday Bombing™ ever — with the Shoe Bomb followed by the Underpants Bomb, it appeared the terrorists had nowhere to go but the Lung Bomb, the Heart Bomb, or even the Heart-Lung Bomb.

Very disappointing. Maybe next year.

bflrtsplk December 23, 2010 at 2:34 pm

Stick with articles of clothing – the see through nightie bomb, the knee pad bomb and the edible underwear bomb.

OneDollarJuana December 23, 2010 at 3:42 pm

The see through nightie bomb will inevitably lead to the F-bomb.

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 1:54 pm

Overheard at the scene, one of the carabinieri to another: "Great. No fuckin' ziti."

SudsMcKenzie December 23, 2010 at 2:00 pm

just wait till these people figure out box cutters

bumfug December 23, 2010 at 2:03 pm

These terrorists will be sorry when the Swiss Army starts working them over with the corkscrews in their knives.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 23, 2010 at 2:14 pm

Why blow up the Swiss?
One word.
Yodeling.

Steverino247 December 23, 2010 at 2:30 pm

No shit! You know how many people want to yodel The Star Spangled Banner these days? It's a conspiracy, I tells ya.

OneDollarJuana December 23, 2010 at 3:43 pm

R – i – c – o – l – a – a – a – a – a – a – !

PresBeeblebrox December 23, 2010 at 5:29 pm

My gay boyfriend Bryan Fischer says yodeling is against Sharia Law.
http://www.afa.net/Blogs/BlogPost.aspx?id=2147501

V572625694 December 23, 2010 at 7:04 pm

Or "The Sound of Music."

chickensmack December 23, 2010 at 2:15 pm

Do we get to watch the footage of Silvio Berlusconi as he dry-humps the bomb defusers?

EdFlintstone December 23, 2010 at 2:21 pm

Well it could of been one of Berlusconi's 43 mistresses.

BorderJumper! December 23, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Two theories for the Chilean embassy:
1) Dumb terrorists mistook the Chilean flag for Texas'
2) In retaliation for Chilean-born Snookie claiming to be Italian

horsedreamer_1 December 23, 2010 at 3:51 pm

No. 2: seriously?

She might well be ethnically Italian, at least, so even if yes, not a lie. Just like Ronnie (the 'roided, violent one) is half-Italian, half-Puerto-Rican.

neiltheblaze December 23, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Maybe Pinochet's relatives are mad at the Swiss for forking over his bank accounts to the Chilean authorities. I have no idea if they did that at all, but it's the only thing I can come up with.

horsedreamer_1 December 23, 2010 at 3:51 pm

Jack Straw has issued an harsh rebuke to this comment.

neiltheblaze December 23, 2010 at 3:57 pm

Oh, what the hay.

CapeClod December 23, 2010 at 2:53 pm

New theory: Person who wanted better Associated Press news content than some crappy post landslide footage from California.

This makes Ken Layne the No. 1 suspect.

doloras December 23, 2010 at 2:55 pm

Seriously, perhaps someone has taken this long to take revenge for Switzerland banning minarets.

Ducksworthy December 23, 2010 at 3:13 pm

I think you got it right on Switzerland. Also, it took them a long time to figure out how to put together the bombs. But Chile?

tcaalaw December 23, 2010 at 3:29 pm

It's made with pork?

horsedreamer_1 December 23, 2010 at 3:52 pm

Con carne?

I thought that implied beef.

jim89048 December 23, 2010 at 7:44 pm

No, Verde.

LionelHutzEsq December 23, 2010 at 3:20 pm

Perhaps Switzerland and Chile were late paying their loan shark?

horsedreamer_1 December 23, 2010 at 3:53 pm

Or, the ambassadors went to one of Silvio's bunga-bunga bacchanals & stiffed the procurer of the nite's talent.

neiltheblaze December 23, 2010 at 3:59 pm

You mean the World Bank?

LionelHutzEsq December 23, 2010 at 5:28 pm

Or the Vatican bank. Same difference.

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 23, 2010 at 4:00 pm

This is obviously an act of terrorism perpetrated by Radical Gastronomes protesting the exploitation of Swiss Chard and Chilean Sea Bass. Ill-tempered sea bass.

DustBowlBlues December 23, 2010 at 4:42 pm

Zvi has it right this time. Celebrity chefs aren't to be fucked. Wait, it's the chefs who are sending those poor bass into extinction.

Okay. confused celebrity chefs.

DustBowlBlues December 23, 2010 at 4:40 pm

If they were in Rome in the first place, why not the Vatican? Let those fucking Swiss Guard guys in the clown suits earn their daily bread for a change.

jim89048 December 23, 2010 at 5:10 pm

Perfect!

mayor_quimby December 23, 2010 at 6:16 pm

Have you seen what nazipope makes them do at night? Well earned lira, my friend

UW8316154 December 23, 2010 at 7:12 pm

Followed by a Lemon Drop.

PublicLuxury December 23, 2010 at 7:51 pm

The short bus equivalent in terrorism terms.

imissopus December 23, 2010 at 10:26 pm

The BBC is saying it was anarchists. Apparently they are unaware it's not 1914.

Negropolis December 23, 2010 at 11:54 pm

I guess someone's trying to move in on The Family's turf, huh?

user-of-owls December 24, 2010 at 12:34 am

I was going to suggest our favowite wittle Aryan TV pundit, but Switzerland and Chile?! Outside of Scandinavia or a bowl of mashed potatoes, you're not going to find anything much whiter than those two places.*

*Mapuches notwithstanding.

zhubajie December 24, 2010 at 1:23 am

Italian anarchists take credit: http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6BM1DP20101

Sassomatic December 24, 2010 at 2:58 am

Dada terrorism. Just confuse them to death.

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