terrorism reviews

Confused (?) People (?) Hit Chilean, Swiss Embassies With Parcel Bombs


A package bomb exploded at the Chilean embassy and at the Swiss embassy in Rome today, injuring the one person (intern? professional Santa?) who opened them at each location, but not killing him(s) or her(s). On its surface, this is one of the most confusing bombings in recent history, because aren’t there, well, better things to bomb? Let’s do a review of this terrorist attack.

We are not advocating terrorism by any means, and we’re grateful nobody died or whatever, but c’mon, bombers.

1. Location
Really? Rome? What is this, a Fellini film? Get with the modern world.

2. Choice of embassies
What is Switzerland’s response to this supposed to be other than, “Why the fuck would somebody bomb us?” What are you trying to do, make them more neutral on global intervention and entanglements? Impossible. They’re not trying to take over your homeland/religious homeland! Don’t worry!

And Chile? You feel threatened by a country the width of a Toyota Corolla? Are you upset by the celebrity of those cheerful trapped-miner guys?

“It’s a wave of terrorism against embassies, something much more worrisome than a single attack,” Mayor Gianni Alemanno told reporters.

Yes, much more worrisome when they pick actual countries with actual weapons and actual things to be angered about.

3. Choice of day
Oh! Christmas Eve Eve, the day when the Virgin Mary had a craving for orange sherbet and tamales and spent the day watching a season of Lost DVDs. Our most holy of days.

4. Carnage level
Why did you even bother?

Terrorism review: 1.2
Don’t even bother renting this one. [NYT]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

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  • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

    Obviously a hobbyist. Just got tired of napalming his GI Joes in the backyard.

    • http://www.wonkette.com Dr_pangloss

      More like a Unibomber with a hard on for coocooclocks and loose banking regulations.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Say what you will, no one has a cooler uniform cap device/emblem than the Italian Carabinieri. (at 0:15)

    Obviously, Fedex got the wrong address and fucked up the delivery of the printer cartridges.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Hot Italian cops, also! *Fap fap fap.*

      • BaldarTFlagass

        See, something for everyone!!!

    • SmutBoffin

      Ha, in Italy the carabinieri are renowned for their combination of stupidity and swagger, much like the 'Southern cop' archetype here in the USA.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Also, service is compulsory, I have a couple buddies that had the choice of Carabinieri or Esercito (army) and opted for the Keystone Cops. They said it was a joke.

        • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

          They are (or at least were) part of the army and are as competenza, zelante and approfondita as one would expect from the Italian armed services.

    • PresBeeblebrox

      The only cooler Cop Hat is that of the Spanish Guardia Civil, which look like Cap'n Crunch hats without the buckle.

      Oh, and there's also the New Jersey State Police, whose uniforms look a hell of a lot like those of the Waffen SS, sans Totenkopf (I think they don't have it, anyway…)

  • elviouslyqueer

    Everybody calm down. The explosions were just part of Sylvia Poggioli's reaction after she found out how much Juan Williams was getting for his book advance.

    • chickensmack

      You get two extra pee points for knowing how to spell her name.

      • vulpes82

        Yes, but can he say it in that uniquely "Italian" way she does?

    • CapeClod

      Was she still stationed in "Dakaaaaaaar!"?

      • http://drinkiesinthe253.blogspot.com/ drrty_martini

        Cape, you're thinking of Ofeibea Quist-Arcton! Uh…I'll go back to chooching to my Ladies of NPR CD – a Christmas Eve Eve tradition of mine.

        • CapeClod

          Damn, you're right.

        • V572625694

          I was wondering how to spell her name. Thank you.

  • CalamityJames

    Drawing of Muhammad or GTFO.

  • SorosBot

    An attack on Rome? It must be those filthy heathen Carthaginians.

    • http://theblueelite.blogspot.com simplyblue7

      payback is a bitch! that's for what they did in the punic wars, bastards.

      • horsedreamer_1

        You could say they…

        [removes glasses]

        Salted away their revenge.

        • tcaalaw

          My eyes started spontaneously bleeding as I read that….

        • SorosBot

          That was a very pun-ic comment.

          • PhilippePetain

            Oh man, that was worth so many more thumbs than what I'm allowed to give you.

    • horsedreamer_1

      A single elephant was seen fleeing.

      • TanzbodenKoenig

        Back over the Alps?

    • Grief_Lessons

      Carthago delenda est.

      • Ducksworthy

        That's why they named it the Cato institute. Endless war.

        • SorosBot

          Also a far-right Senator who hated any attempts to help the poor, invented the filibuster, and caused a civil war out of spite; that douchebag was a fit for the fellow douchebags at that institute.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I guess they hate chocolate, watches and miners. In no particular order.

    • HistoriCat

      It's the knives – they have serious Swiss Army Knife envy.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Swiss Army Knife, pfft. They are actually after the elusive Swiss Navy Knife. Now, THAT's a knife.

        • tcaalaw

          I believe the Geneva Nautical Society has one of those on display next to the 32nd America's Cup.

        • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

          I see you've played Knifey-Spooney before.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Looks like somebody doesn't like that cuckoo-clock they received from Aunt Gladys' estate. I always thought cuckoo clocks were more of a Bavarian novelty, not Swiss.

  • Steverino247

    French vinyard workers on vacation in Italy upset about Chilean wines being called Champagne and waging a terrorist war against Switzerland over chocolate supplies. Or something…

  • StillGoinGreen

    I fear we have awoken TWO sleeping giants.

    • PresBeeblebrox

      As long as it's not between noon and 3:30, the raging might of Italy will swarm over the Alps…

    • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

      And… they rolled over and went back to sleep. So much for filling them with a terrible resolve.

  • BklynIlluminati

    No one suspects the Spanish Inquisition!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Being of Swiss extraction myself, I can sort of understand. I mean, let's be honest, the Swiss are nothing more than French, but with a bath.

    • SheriffRoscoe

      Haha. But hey, at least the French can settle on one language!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Yeah, tell the Corsicans, Alsatians, and Basques (among others) that!

        I think the French finally made French their official language in, like, 1992 or something…

        • SheriffRoscoe

          True dat. They don't speak French in Paris either, if you really think about it.

        • zhubajie

          Provencal people get quite bitter when they tell you about attempts to stamp out their language!

    • PresBeeblebrox

      Or Germans without the attitude, or Italians without the naps.

      • zhubajie

        Germans with more of the attitude! Other Germans just roll their eyes when you mention the Swiss!

    • zhubajie

      Don't forget the Swiss Germans and their excessive "rules are rules" mentality.

    • Negropolis

      You try telling that to the German and Italian Swiss.

      Anyway, ever since their those teatards banned fuckin' minarets on mosque (apparently, they didn't have enough balls to do a full-out mosque ban, but were enough of cowards to send a "fuck you" to Muslims) I've had their number. Fuckin' holier-than-thou hypocrites.

      Wait, isn't this the country that didn't allow women to vote until the 80's or some shit? How they've ever managed to come across as enlightened is beyond me. I guess it proves that wealth (which is devised from Nazi gold and stolen portraits, anyway) can't buy you class.

  • jim89048

    There's a Holocaust Connection in here, probably, if you really stretch it.

    • Mahousu

      Rats, just when we thought we had a winner, it goes into extra innings.

    • SmutBoffin

      They've already declared a winner, but some people are sore losers.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        See: Joe Miller.

      • PhilippePetain

        Everyone was just excited because the guy was considered a 6:1 untermensch.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Hey, you know who else wanted to, uh, bomb the Swiss?

  • horsedreamer_1

    I would blame Carlos the Jackal, but he's dead. & Kaczynski? He's in 23.5 hrs/day confinement.

    Must be a new wave of nihilist provocateurs.

    • Failure_Artist

      Or maybe Kaczynski uses his half hour of freedom very efficiently.

    • zhubajie

      Italian lefty anarchists

  • VinnyThePooh

    Rome? It had to be in retaliation to a vehicle parking incident.

  • GuanoFaucet

    Um, I was 4 blocks! away when this happened, or something, so maybe it is a bit inappropriate to post about this so soon.

    /old wonkette meme

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Still, in the old days, Bush would crank the terror level to Chartreuse and start ease dropping on anyone that had their radio tuned to NPR.

    Why does Obama take the side of the terrorist and hate America so?

    • PresBeeblebrox

      Because he is Morally Weak.

      • Negropolis

        Does Morally Weak write for the NY Times? It sounds like a very elitist given name.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe it was a delayed reaction (almost 40 years!) to the Chileans for allowing Allende to be ousted by ITT, Anaconda Copper, and the CIA, and the Swiss for allowing Pinochet to squirrel away all that money.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Did the Chileans recently beat Argentina or Bolivia in a soccer match?

    Also: Free Liechtenstein!!!

    • Negropolis

      From what? Centuries of insignificance and boredom?

  • DemonicRage

    The Roman coffee bar owners are outraged that the new "Green" generation in Europe prefers Yerba Mate, the green tea-like Chilean drink, to cafe latte.

  • ttommyunger

    Holiday Postal fuck-up. Was supposed to be Chili's Restaurant in Rome, Georgia. If you'd ever eaten there, you'd understand.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      But don't they serve pork? They should be safe then.

      • ttommyunger

        All meats are mystery meat with different names.

    • bflrtsplk

      Fed Ex. When it absolutely has to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

      • ttommyunger

        LOL!

  • SmutBoffin

    Well, the FBI is in the terrorism business now. Of course, they don't want to do anything to a country that could actually retaliate, so Chile and Swizzerland it is!

  • DCHatesMe

    Wise guys bearing gifts.

  • SmutBoffin

    Terrorism review: 1.2

    I give it 3 out of 5 crotch-bombs.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Down in like the fifth paragraph, the article mentions the embassies of New Zealand and Holland are on heightened alert.

    • SmutBoffin

      NO! Stay safe, Murray Hewitt…

      • SheriffRoscoe

        I have two policies regarding thumbs-upping my wonkette brothers and sisters. They go like this: if your comment makes me laugh out loud, I thumb you up. If I don't get your comment at all, I figure it must therefore be very clever, and I thumb you up.

        • Negropolis

          Ha! I see I'm not the only one that uses such criteria. Really, if you want a thumbs-up from me for sure, just think up the most obscure reference you can pull out of your ass.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    Retaliation against the Swiss for the founding of DaDa in Zurich,1916. Tristan Tzara has a lot to answer for.

    • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

      But I thought that's what WWII was for?

    • SmutBoffin

      The Dadaists will retaliate by staging a 3 act play where everyone wears mackerel on their heads and speaks through kazoos.

      • horsedreamer_1

        It will kill with my city's nouveau vaudeville (Dead Man's Carnival) crowd.
        http://www.myspace.com/deadmanscarnival

      • 102415

        I did that play years ago and I'll tell you learning all the words and music was a bitch and my head stank for weeks after it closed. Fuck Spider Man Turn Off The Dark.

    • zhubajie

      For destroying Burgundy 500+ years ago?

  • SorosBot

    Fuckin' parcel bombs, how do they work?

    (Not very well, apparently).

    • horsedreamer_1

      You've got such a… magnetic personality.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Switzerland = supporters of Julian Assange? Chile = I have no idea.

    • Naked_Bunny

      WikiLeaks supports would have sent a parcel filled with 5 pounds of scathing rebukes and maybe a thumbdrive with a virus on it.

      • UW8316154

        and a ripped condom.

      • Negropolis

        Or a thumbdrive with a years-worth of Gaga songs on it.

    • zhubajie

      Chile was home to Miguel Serrano, one of the prophets of esoteric Hitlerism as well as Pablo Neruda, Commie poet. They were both diplomats, so presumably knew each other. A weird place, anyhoo.

    • bflrtsplk

      Simple really. Not enough Swiss cheese on the Chile. Solved.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    The Carabinieri are pretty and well dressed, but intellectually they are toads. Is Aurelio Zen on this case? If not, then they need to get him there stat.

  • itsjesuscriss

    Someone was making chili and wanted swiss cheese to sprinkle on top, but the cheese had turned. They retaliated.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Just like a pit bull, you never know when that Swiss cheese is going to turn on you.

      • UW8316154

        The swiss cheese speculation is filled with holes.

    • V572625694

      If you put Swiss cheese on chili, you deserved an attempted bombing. It's jack, man.

  • x111e7thst

    I have 2 competing theories.
    1. the bombs were directed at the Bilderbergs/Rosicrucians
    2. the bombs were sent by the Bilderbergs/Rosicrucians

    • SmutBoffin

      3. The bombs were sent by the Bilderbergers/Rosicrucians and directed at the Bilderbergers/Rosicrucians. They are just that subtle.

      • OneDollarJuana

        The bombs were sent by two sides of the Trilateral Commission while the third side was in the bathroom.

    • PresBeeblebrox

      3. The Bombs were made by the Bilderbergs/Rosicrucians as part of an Elaborate Plot involving the Rothschilds, 33nd Degree Masons, Adam Weishaupt, and The International Jew.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        And Colonel Sanders with his wee beady eyes!

  • Come here a minute

    This is the crappiest Holiday Bombing™ ever — with the Shoe Bomb followed by the Underpants Bomb, it appeared the terrorists had nowhere to go but the Lung Bomb, the Heart Bomb, or even the Heart-Lung Bomb.

    Very disappointing. Maybe next year.

    • bflrtsplk

      Stick with articles of clothing – the see through nightie bomb, the knee pad bomb and the edible underwear bomb.

      • OneDollarJuana

        The see through nightie bomb will inevitably lead to the F-bomb.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Overheard at the scene, one of the carabinieri to another: "Great. No fuckin' ziti."

  • SudsMcKenzie

    just wait till these people figure out box cutters

  • bumfug

    These terrorists will be sorry when the Swiss Army starts working them over with the corkscrews in their knives.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Why blow up the Swiss?
    One word.
    Yodeling.

    • Steverino247

      No shit! You know how many people want to yodel The Star Spangled Banner these days? It's a conspiracy, I tells ya.

    • OneDollarJuana

      R – i – c – o – l – a – a – a – a – a – a – !

    • PresBeeblebrox

      My gay boyfriend Bryan Fischer says yodeling is against Sharia Law.
      http://www.afa.net/Blogs/BlogPost.aspx?id=2147501

    • V572625694

      Or "The Sound of Music."

  • chickensmack

    Do we get to watch the footage of Silvio Berlusconi as he dry-humps the bomb defusers?

  • EdFlintstone

    Well it could of been one of Berlusconi's 43 mistresses.

  • BorderJumper!

    Two theories for the Chilean embassy:
    1) Dumb terrorists mistook the Chilean flag for Texas'
    2) In retaliation for Chilean-born Snookie claiming to be Italian

    • horsedreamer_1

      No. 2: seriously?

      She might well be ethnically Italian, at least, so even if yes, not a lie. Just like Ronnie (the 'roided, violent one) is half-Italian, half-Puerto-Rican.

  • neiltheblaze

    Maybe Pinochet's relatives are mad at the Swiss for forking over his bank accounts to the Chilean authorities. I have no idea if they did that at all, but it's the only thing I can come up with.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Jack Straw has issued an harsh rebuke to this comment.

      • neiltheblaze

        Oh, what the hay.

  • CapeClod

    New theory: Person who wanted better Associated Press news content than some crappy post landslide footage from California.

    This makes Ken Layne the No. 1 suspect.

  • doloras

    Seriously, perhaps someone has taken this long to take revenge for Switzerland banning minarets.

    • Ducksworthy

      I think you got it right on Switzerland. Also, it took them a long time to figure out how to put together the bombs. But Chile?

      • tcaalaw

        It's made with pork?

        • horsedreamer_1

          Con carne?

          I thought that implied beef.

          • jim89048

            No, Verde.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Perhaps Switzerland and Chile were late paying their loan shark?

    • horsedreamer_1

      Or, the ambassadors went to one of Silvio's bunga-bunga bacchanals & stiffed the procurer of the nite's talent.

    • neiltheblaze

      You mean the World Bank?

      • LionelHutzEsq

        Or the Vatican bank. Same difference.

  • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

    This is obviously an act of terrorism perpetrated by Radical Gastronomes protesting the exploitation of Swiss Chard and Chilean Sea Bass. Ill-tempered sea bass.

    • DustBowlBlues

      Zvi has it right this time. Celebrity chefs aren't to be fucked. Wait, it's the chefs who are sending those poor bass into extinction.

      Okay. confused celebrity chefs.

  • DustBowlBlues

    If they were in Rome in the first place, why not the Vatican? Let those fucking Swiss Guard guys in the clown suits earn their daily bread for a change.

    • jim89048

      Perfect!

    • mayor_quimby

      Have you seen what nazipope makes them do at night? Well earned lira, my friend

  • UW8316154

    Followed by a Lemon Drop.

  • PublicLuxury

    The short bus equivalent in terrorism terms.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    The BBC is saying it was anarchists. Apparently they are unaware it's not 1914.

  • Negropolis

    I guess someone's trying to move in on The Family's turf, huh?

  • user-of-owls

    I was going to suggest our favowite wittle Aryan TV pundit, but Switzerland and Chile?! Outside of Scandinavia or a bowl of mashed potatoes, you're not going to find anything much whiter than those two places.*

    *Mapuches notwithstanding.

  • zhubajie

    Italian anarchists take credit: http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSTRE6BM1DP20101

  • Sassomatic

    Dada terrorism. Just confuse them to death.