into the brush

Mercury Cougar Assassinates George W. Bush’s Front Lawn

Looks like someone's taken up drinking again.
Some guy was showing off his muscle car to his friends in George W. Bush’s neighborhood last night and lost control of the car, ending up crashed on the former president’s lawn. Sounds like Georgie’s got the gang back together.

The man told investigators he ran onto the Bushes’ yard when his gas pedal became stuck. [...]

Bush spokesman David Sherzer said the Bushes were home at the time of the incident but were never in danger.

In fact, Bush came outside, high-fived the man, and invited him in for a beer, probably. Or this was all just a historic re-enactment of things Bush used to do as viral marketing for his new presidential library. [NBC DFW]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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      1. DoktorZoom

        Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro
        Donuts on your lawn
        Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro
        Tony Orlando and Dawn

    1. Not_So_Much

      I figured it was Chuck Norris, but he mixed up his bat-signal with his microwave popcorn being done.

  1. benjo765

    Mr Bush was reported to be outraged, quoted as semi-coherently yelling:
    "What kind of hillbilly dingbat drives around drunk out of their mind in the middle of the night?!?"

    1. Moonbatting Average

      If this were karma, the guy would have rammed their house in a cement truck filled with syphilis.

        1. LocalGirlMakesGoo

          Lindsay Lohan's mother – famous for being Lindsay Lohan's mother and, well, batshit crazy – said that she wanted to host her own talk show because all of her daughters' friends come to her for advice. She said she'd be like Oprah, but white. (I believe it was that coined the sobriquet "White Oprah.")

  2. arcane_allusion

    I'm sorry that is not bitchin'. Cougars are not bitchin'.

    Only Camaros can be properly described as bitchin'

    1. LionelHutzEsq

      I would have a lot of respect of Jenna is she was driving around in an early-70s Cougar. I'm pretty sure she is the new BMW type.

  3. neiltheblaze

    The incident probably reminded George of his lost hellion teenage years – as opposed to his lost hellion presidential years. I'm sure it brought a sentimental tear to his eye, followed by a night of binge drinking.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        I think he's trying to recapture his childhood years. Have you heard his latest interviews? Sounds pretty slurry to me.

        1. SorosBot

          If I had done what Bush has done, being drunk all the time would be the only way I could live with myself; but the man himself does not appear capable of shame or remorse. But maybe he's still upset over that rapper accurately calling him a racist.

          1. HistoriCat

            He's no racist! He didn't care about those people because they were poor – not because they were black.

  4. OkieDokieDog

    I didn't realize that the Mercury Cougar was in the "muscle car" category. It seems way too elitist. I thought it was made for people who were "young at heart" and thought they weren't old enough yet, or too cool for a Lincoln Continental Town Coupe.

    Anyhoo – yahoo! I bet ol' Georgie heehawed and probably felt so giddy by all the excitement that he gave Laura the best 2 minutes of her life with some lovin'.

    1. Jerri

      I'll preface this by saying I don't know anything about cars. In the '90s my grandma drove a Mercury Cougar, and I never for one second thought it was cool. Now, all I can picture is her driving slowly up onto George's lawn and parking the thing.

    2. DoktorZoom

      From its introduction to 1973, the Cougar was a clone of the Mustang, and the XR-7 package had at least some appropriate muscle cred; in the mid-70's the Cougar became a clone of the boring boring Thunderbird, and was horrid. They even had a wagon version, for gods sake.

  5. PublicLuxury

    This is a cover up! It smells really bad. It is obviously Laura regretting her vows and trying to take out her husband instead of boyfriend.

    1. Beowoof

      There is actually real money on the line. And with the increase in tobacco taxes she needs all the cash she can get to keep up her cigs.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    Hopefully, the neighborhood kids will play mailbox baseball next, or TP his house. But trenching his yard is pretty cool and certainly gives me a visceral thrill.

  7. Lascauxcaveman

    Lol, the original article mis-identified the car as a Barracuda, a seriously badass car. That piece of mess in the photo is an early 70s Cougar, a seriously fugly car suitable only for secretaries and hairdressers.

    [/car guy]

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      It must be said, though, that at least Mercury didn't offer a lame-ass six-cylinder as an option on the ugly early 70s Cougar, but you could buy a 'Cuda with a slant-6. Boo!

      [/another car guy]

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          I was in the market for one of them back in the 80s, a number of those I looked at had the 6 or the 318. I wanted 340 or 383 or 440 (426 was out of my price range). Kowalski!! (yeah, I know, Challenger, but close enough).

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            The 6s and the 318s were the only ones to survive. The balance of 60s muscle car power to muscle car handling & braking was not amenable to long lives for these cars while in the hands of testosteronal teenagers.

    2. LionelHutzEsq

      Let's not forget, though, that before they moved it to the T-Bird platform, the Cougar was one hell of a muscle car. Shame that Ford couldn't leave good enough alone.

          1. DoktorZoom

            I dunno, Cougars didn't start getting really bulbous and overstuffed until the '74 model, when they switched from the Mustang platform to the Torino/Montego clone. Of course, by 1973, there were no more muscle cars anyway, because of those damn liberals and their emissions controls and Safety-Nazi 5-mph bumpers.

            Why, yes, I got my 73 Impala back from the mechanic last Saturday. I guess I'll keep the damned thing, though I get nervous looking out over that expanse of hood–I keep worrying that John McCain might try to land an A-4 on it.

          2. DoktorZoom

            I know this may be hard for some of you young'uns to believe, but back in those days the US Fed'ral Gummint actually mandated emissions controls and safety regulations in an attempt to make cars less dirty and deadly. Detroit's fumbling attempts to comply led to lower-powered engines and massive, heavy bumpers (first mandated in 1973). Muscle cars were already dying out when the oil embargo hit, and that pretty much killed 'em off.

  8. Come here a minute

    President Barry had such a good week he decided to cap it off by staging a reenactment of the metaphorical Republicans-driving-a-car-into-a-ditch, right in front of the former president.

  9. SheriffRoscoe

    Dubya was voted "Ex-President Most Likely To Have A Car Crash Into His Front Yard" by his daddy, Clinton and Carter. Oh and look!

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    Had my money
    I tell you what I'd do
    Go downtown and buy a Mercury or two
    Cause I'm crazy 'bout a Mercury
    And I'll cruise up and down this lawn
    Up and down this lawn

  11. Grief_Lessons

    That one dude did time for throwing a shoe at Dubya. I assume this driver will be sent to Gitmo to be anally raped forever.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    God how I hated that double-tracking shit. Thank God my dad brought me a Pioneer Supertuner cassette deck back from Japan in '75. Of course, pre-recorded cassettes weren't very widely available until the Walkman came out, so I had to record my own off my albums on my all-in-one Lloyds stereo.

  13. SheriffRoscoe

    8-Tracks. You couldn't fast forward or rewind. And there was always at least one song that got chopped up between two of the tracks. But they were a lot easier than cassettes to dig out of the center console compartment.

    1. Troubledog

      Or they'd shuffle the order of the songs from the album! Or there would be one song that was shortened. Or even sometimes one song would be on there twice!

      Now they call that shit "remix"

    2. jim89048

      I had a Muntz 4-track in my old 64 1/2 Mustang. Now I drive an '08 Mustang with an iPod jack, so progress!

  14. mavenmaven

    Todd Rundgren still doesn't sound right without that track changing sound in the middle of the tracks. These are some nasty memories you have awakened. I had "the wiz" on 8-track as well. The Wiz!

      1. DoktorZoom

        My life will be forever Autumn…'cause you're not here…cause you're not here…(ad infinitum)

        Thank you very much.

  15. LionelHutzEsq

    Here. [Hands Kevin a copy of Morrisson Hotel] Take this, it's an 8-track tape. It's one of the last in existence. I want you to steal a car…

    Kevin: I have a car…

    Bruce: Steal a car!

    Kevin: Steal a car!!

    Bruce: I want you to get in it and drive West. Play the tape full blast. When the tape ends, get out and get into a fight, then get back into the car, come to town and meet me at the Bush's house…

  16. mumbly_joe

    Bush spokesman David Sherzer said the Bushes were home at the time of the incident but were never in danger.

    George Bush doesn't care about black cars.

  17. JackDempsey1

    I say it's that shoe-throwing guy on a temporary visa, looking to generate material for the second book.
    Either that or a 17-year-old whose dad must now agree, Seniors Rule. So there.

  18. aguacatero

    Rarely is the question asked: Is our drunkards driving?

    David Sherzer's job must be an intellectual feast. Also.

  19. Troubledog

    Me and four guys in my boy Bill's red 67 Impala stationwagon, drunk as fuck, doing donuts on the lawn at Jehovah's Witnesses, mailbox baseball, and Journey on 8-Track.

    On those fricking white label 8-Tracks you'd get from (drum roll) The Columbia Record And Tape Club! Remember, CHOOSE ANY TEN ALBUMS FOR ONLY A PENNY.

    Good fucking times

  20. ttommyunger

    Alert Secret Service Agents promptly wrestled the vehicle to the ground. (Yes, we're still paying for Secret Service protection for Drunky McW and his deeply dysfunctional family).

    1. lurch394

      Chevy Chase on Weekend Update after that Buick hit Jerry Ford's presidential limousine in Hartford. Classic.

        1. lurch394

          Now that I think back, the driver of the LeSabre simply drove into an unblocked intersection and was smacked by the Lincoln. My memory isn't what it once was…

  21. chickensmack

    To all you old people who replied to Monsieur_Grumpe:

    Jesus Retiring Christ, how fucking old are all you people?! I'm 41 and don't remember ANY of that shit.

    1. __kth__

      47 and from Houston. The Linklater film "Dazed and Confused" was my life.

      '72 Plymouth Duster, 8-track player standard. But I had heterodox tastes: "This Year's Model", "Best of Sam & Dave" (cause it was in the Blues Brothers movie!, but every song on it will melt your heart) on 8-track. "Who's Next" closest thing I had to the prevailing consensus.

  22. thefrontpage

    Apparenly, Donald Rumsfeld was driving the car, and the passengers were Cheney, Gonzalez, Miers, Card, Fleisher, and Parino. Apparently they had stopped by The Pink Melon to pick up Parino after her late shift, gotten a few six-packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and were out "cruising" the neighborhood, drinking, making out with Parino and Miers, and, according to officials, smoking salvia. No one was arrested, and Parino was given a promotion at The Pink Melon.

  23. Jukesgrrl

    Maybe the driver was a gynecologist who tried to practice some love on a patient while they were out Christmas shopping.

  24. JackObin

    Oh what a night. A bunch of Texas assholes crash their assholemobile on the lawn of the idiot son of an asshole. I wonder if "Freebird" or "Stairway to Heaven" was playing on the AM radio?

  25. Troubledog

    I don't think that actually qualifies as a "Muscle Car". This is a grandpa car. This car probably had a fairly straight 351 Windsor engine with a narrowly-jetted 4 barrel carb. The insurance industry had been very successful at shutting down the more exotic products by the time this car was designed.

    It's fat and sloppy with leather seats and power accessories and a undertuned automatic transmission. The 73 Cougar had more in common with your mom's Gran Torino station wagon than with the tasty types of Cougars produced from 67 through 70.

    1. DoktorZoom

      Well of course, you're assuming it was stock. Any asshole with enough money to live in (or visit assholes who live in) Dubya's neighborhood probably modified the car to Make It Badass, although obviously they didn't know how to drive it in any case.

  26. mrfawkes

    Dallas Texas, a President, a grassy area, a car, shots,….
    no need to call Oliver Stone
    Just some Texan with 8 shots in him lost on some idiots lawn.

  27. mrfawkes

    Alerted by the Secret Service to the situation on his front lawn, and after three attempts to finally engage the correct button on the remote to pause the horror movie he was watching, Bush swaggered outside, looked around, smirked, and did one of the two official duties he was assigned by the vice president (the other–tossing out the first pitch at baseball games) and he gave the errant Cougar driver a nickname….Lawn Cheney.

  28. DashboardBuddha

    It looks like they tore up some bush…and Laura was last heard saying, "Where is that marvelous cougar?"

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