into the brush

Mercury Cougar Assassinates George W. Bush’s Front Lawn

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Looks like someone's taken up drinking again.
Some guy was showing off his muscle car to his friends in George W. Bush’s neighborhood last night and lost control of the car, ending up crashed on the former president’s lawn. Sounds like Georgie’s got the gang back together.

The man told investigators he ran onto the Bushes’ yard when his gas pedal became stuck. […]

Bush spokesman David Sherzer said the Bushes were home at the time of the incident but were never in danger.

In fact, Bush came outside, high-fived the man, and invited him in for a beer, probably. Or this was all just a historic re-enactment of things Bush used to do as viral marketing for his new presidential library. [NBC DFW]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Did they check the trunk for pretzels?

    • Terry

      They were scattered on the front floor boards, with some empties.

  • OneDollarJuana

    When did Toyota start making Cougars?

  • bitchincamaro2

    It wasn't me, this time.

    • bagofmice

      Well, crap. I was hoping that we finally had a commentator suited to the situation.

      • bitchincamaro2

        I'm in NYC with the flu. My avatar, too.

    • metamarcisf

      Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro
      I ran over my neighbor

      • DoktorZoom

        Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro
        Donuts on your lawn
        Bitchin' Camaro, Bitchin' Camaro
        Tony Orlando and Dawn

  • StillGoinGreen

    Laura, is that you?

    • SexySmurf

      We'd have to look under the car for any old boyfriends.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Laura wouldn't be caught dead in a Mercury Cougar. A K-Car is much more her style.

      • Jukesgrrl

        A K-Car that smells of Virginia Slims.

    • benjo765

      Bush family get-together = get the hell away from all roads.

      • StillGoinGreen

        And DO NOT sit next to Grampa!

        • umm_huh

          But if Grandma Bar offers you some pickled fetus relish… try some. It is actually quite tasty.

          • benjo765

            Goes great with the "wild game" Uncle Cheney brings round aswell!

    • Not_So_Much

      I figured it was Chuck Norris, but he mixed up his bat-signal with his microwave popcorn being done.

  • Mindblank

    An obvious mistake. He was looking for Dick Cheney's lawn.

    • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

      Dick Cheney does not have a lawn, just lava.

      • Jukesgrrl

        I thought Mr. Freeze live surrounded by ice (not that there can't be lava in a cold climate!).

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      where the hell is Gramps McInsane when ya need him…"you kids get offa my LAWN!"

  • benjo765

    Mr Bush was reported to be outraged, quoted as semi-coherently yelling:
    "What kind of hillbilly dingbat drives around drunk out of their mind in the middle of the night?!?"

    • bagofmice

      Women drivers, no survivors.

      p-loss begins now.

  • Progressiveinga

    Karma's a bitch.

    • Moonbatting Average

      If this were karma, the guy would have rammed their house in a cement truck filled with syphilis.

    • Dashboard_Jesus

      …and then she runs over you

  • SorosBot

    I didn't know the Bushes were friends with Billy Joel.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Maybe Kelsey Grammer was dropping by to do a few lines.

      • SorosBot

        He is a Republican, so that would make some sense.

        • horsedreamer_1

          No wonder he likes 'em young (even if the young in question are female).

  • EdFlintstone

    So Lindsay Lohan missed curfew again?

    • LocalGirlMakesGoo

      Careful, buddy. White Oprah gonna sue you for slander!

      • Negropolis

        Who is the white Oprah? I didn't know that Ms. Whinfrey had any kind of a/an (human) equivalent.

        • LocalGirlMakesGoo

          Lindsay Lohan's mother – famous for being Lindsay Lohan's mother and, well, batshit crazy – said that she wanted to host her own talk show because all of her daughters' friends come to her for advice. She said she'd be like Oprah, but white. (I believe it was dlisted.com that coined the sobriquet "White Oprah.")

  • arcane_allusion

    I'm sorry that is not bitchin'. Cougars are not bitchin'.

    Only Camaros can be properly described as bitchin'

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, Trans Ams too, but they are essentially the same car anyway.

    • johnnymeatworth

      I ran over my neighbors! Now it's in all the papers!

      • neiltheblaze

        Extra p-points for the "Trout Mask Replica" avatar.

      • V572625694

        "What this world needs is a good two-dollar broom and a good two-dollar broom.'

      • Crank_Tango

        I don't want unleaded!!!

    • Radiotherapy

      Cougars, however, can be bitches.

  • mavenmaven

    Too bad it wasn't that car with the "deport meksikuns" spraypainted all over it.

    • Come here a minute

      I wonder what was written on the whiteboard attached to the trunk (Liar).

  • CapeClod

    My first thought was that it was just Jenna coming by for a visit.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      I would have a lot of respect of Jenna is she was driving around in an early-70s Cougar. I'm pretty sure she is the new BMW type.

      • CapeClod

        I will admit, a car of that quality getting wrecked makes this a sad story.

  • edgydrifter

    Cougar of Lawn Destruction–who do we invade this time?

    • OneDollarJuana

      Thus begins the CoLD war anew.

    • prommie

      Whoever AIPAC tells us to invade,

      • V572625694

        Who're they mad at this week? We let 'em keep colonizing the West Bank.

    • bagofmice

      Obviously we begin with opening up a new cougar front. The MILFs are next.

      • horsedreamer_1

        Finally, G-Dub has an excuse to get with Condoleezza.

    • Beowoof

      Detroit

  • neiltheblaze

    The incident probably reminded George of his lost hellion teenage years – as opposed to his lost hellion presidential years. I'm sure it brought a sentimental tear to his eye, followed by a night of binge drinking.

    • SorosBot

      His lost teenage, twenties, thirties and early forties; but it was just "youthful" indiscretion.

      • OneDollarJuana

        I think he's trying to recapture his childhood years. Have you heard his latest interviews? Sounds pretty slurry to me.

        • SorosBot

          If I had done what Bush has done, being drunk all the time would be the only way I could live with myself; but the man himself does not appear capable of shame or remorse. But maybe he's still upset over that rapper accurately calling him a racist.

          • HistoriCat

            He's no racist! He didn't care about those people because they were poor – not because they were black.

  • OkieDokieDog

    I didn't realize that the Mercury Cougar was in the "muscle car" category. It seems way too elitist. I thought it was made for people who were "young at heart" and thought they weren't old enough yet, or too cool for a Lincoln Continental Town Coupe.

    Anyhoo – yahoo! I bet ol' Georgie heehawed and probably felt so giddy by all the excitement that he gave Laura the best 2 minutes of her life with some lovin'.

    • neiltheblaze

      Trouble is, he had to wake her.

      • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

        Not if he used the Julian Assange technique

    • bagofmice

      Mercury. The classy Ford.

      • jim89048

        Or less classy Lincoln.

    • Jerri

      I'll preface this by saying I don't know anything about cars. In the '90s my grandma drove a Mercury Cougar, and I never for one second thought it was cool. Now, all I can picture is her driving slowly up onto George's lawn and parking the thing.

    • DoktorZoom

      From its introduction to 1973, the Cougar was a clone of the Mustang, and the XR-7 package had at least some appropriate muscle cred; in the mid-70's the Cougar became a clone of the boring boring Thunderbird, and was horrid. They even had a wagon version, for gods sake.

    • Beowoof

      Is that how long the battery lasts on the rechargable dildo.

  • PublicLuxury

    This is a cover up! It smells really bad. It is obviously Laura regretting her vows and trying to take out her husband instead of boyfriend.

    • Beowoof

      There is actually real money on the line. And with the increase in tobacco taxes she needs all the cash she can get to keep up her cigs.

  • Troubledog

    Car's registered to Cindy Sheehan Driving School, Crawford, TX

    • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

      Dude, so sorry, I went for the thumbs up, but my wonky mouse clicked on down. Did not mean it, thought your post was funny and appropriate.

      • Troubledog

        I have referred your explanation to our voter intent division. Joe Miller will be in touch shortly.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hopefully, the neighborhood kids will play mailbox baseball next, or TP his house. But trenching his yard is pretty cool and certainly gives me a visceral thrill.

  • prommie

    Bitchin Camaro, bitchin Camaro
    Tony Orlando and Dawn!
    Bitchin Camaro, bitchin Camaro
    Donuts on W's lawn!

    • Neoyorquino

      Much respect for the Dead Milkmen reference.

    • bitchincamaro2

      You really are a fan.

    • peaceocrap

      They should investigate the mayor's son.

  • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

    Lol, the original article mis-identified the car as a Barracuda, a seriously badass car. That piece of mess in the photo is an early 70s Cougar, a seriously fugly car suitable only for secretaries and hairdressers.

    [/car guy]

    • elviouslyqueer

      Plus, seriously not a muscle car. Not like, say, a '66 Pontiac GTO.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      It must be said, though, that at least Mercury didn't offer a lame-ass six-cylinder as an option on the ugly early 70s Cougar, but you could buy a 'Cuda with a slant-6. Boo!

      [/another car guy]

      • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

        I don't know anyone who did. I think your average 'cuda buyer, by 1970, knew what he was shopping for. Not a hairdresser, that one.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          I was in the market for one of them back in the 80s, a number of those I looked at had the 6 or the 318. I wanted 340 or 383 or 440 (426 was out of my price range). Kowalski!! (yeah, I know, Challenger, but close enough).

          • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

            The 6s and the 318s were the only ones to survive. The balance of 60s muscle car power to muscle car handling & braking was not amenable to long lives for these cars while in the hands of testosteronal teenagers.

          • Dashboard_Jesus

            dang, you DO know yer cars!

          • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

            [/former Barracuda, GTO owner]

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Let's not forget, though, that before they moved it to the T-Bird platform, the Cougar was one hell of a muscle car. Shame that Ford couldn't leave good enough alone.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        The '69 Eliminator with 429 Cobra Jet was pretty cool.

        • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

          Yeah, the cougars were pretty hawt in the first generation. But those early seventies ones – ugh.

          • bitchincamaro2

            Landau roofs and opera windows. I hear ya'.

          • DoktorZoom

            I dunno, Cougars didn't start getting really bulbous and overstuffed until the '74 model, when they switched from the Mustang platform to the Torino/Montego clone. Of course, by 1973, there were no more muscle cars anyway, because of those damn liberals and their emissions controls and Safety-Nazi 5-mph bumpers.

            Why, yes, I got my 73 Impala back from the mechanic last Saturday. I guess I'll keep the damned thing, though I get nervous looking out over that expanse of hood–I keep worrying that John McCain might try to land an A-4 on it.

          • zhubajie

            '73, wasn't that the year of the first oil embargo? Is that why there's no more muscle cars?

          • DoktorZoom

            I know this may be hard for some of you young'uns to believe, but back in those days the US Fed'ral Gummint actually mandated emissions controls and safety regulations in an attempt to make cars less dirty and deadly. Detroit's fumbling attempts to comply led to lower-powered engines and massive, heavy bumpers (first mandated in 1973). Muscle cars were already dying out when the oil embargo hit, and that pretty much killed 'em off.

          • lurch394

            You mean TRY to land one on it.

    • Radiotherapy

      Yeah, but that cougar in the commercials was pretty cool!

      • jim89048

        But then, so was that cute little Bobcat. Rawr!

    • jim89048

      And all these hours later, Tweety still did. Dufus that he is…

  • Come here a minute

    President Barry had such a good week he decided to cap it off by staging a reenactment of the metaphorical Republicans-driving-a-car-into-a-ditch, right in front of the former president.

    • bagofmice

      I don't think that's what they meant when providing tax cuts for R&D.

  • VinnyThePooh

    John McCain taught the driver.

  • nounverb911

    Laura and the driver exchanged drunk driving stories.

  • WhatTheHeck

    The president awoke, only to find the axel of evil was right there on his front lawn.

  • Steverino247

    I thought cougars were looking for younger guys.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      I just assumed this was a pro-Hillary protest.

      • DoktorZoom

        It looks like a Puma to me.

    • Radiotherapy

      But they do like to get fucked up.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Dubya was voted "Ex-President Most Likely To Have A Car Crash Into His Front Yard" by his daddy, Clinton and Carter. Oh and look!

    • bagofmice

      If only they had done a little more R&D.//running the joke into the ground.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Had my money
    I tell you what I'd do
    Go downtown and buy a Mercury or two
    Cause I'm crazy 'bout a Mercury
    And I'll cruise up and down this lawn
    Up and down this lawn

  • Extemporanus

    Was the driver aiming for Bush's lawn Obama?

    • Troubledog

      Oh snap

    • Radiotherapy

      He was jockeying for position…..kkhhhwwwaawwhh (cougar sound).

    • horsedreamer_1

      Actually, it was a Teabagger, lashing out at Bush for not being a real Conservative.

  • wegot2dobetter

    was a golf club involved?

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Please, like they would allow a black/asian person into Bush's neighborhood.

  • Grief_Lessons

    That one dude did time for throwing a shoe at Dubya. I assume this driver will be sent to Gitmo to be anally raped forever.

  • VinnyThePooh

    Death Panel Race 2010

  • freakishlywrong

    Axles of Evil.

    • Radiotherapy

      Thank heaven it wasn't one of those Camaro IROC's.

    • DashboardBuddha

      Nicely done

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    Busted brushing Bush's bushes…

    (…and I just started drinking)

    • VinnyThePooh

      Relatives enroute?

    • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com HurricaneAli

      I love the holidays.

  • arihaya

    are you sure that the gatecrashing car wasn't a DeLorean ?

  • SorosBot

    Bush's buddy was unpatriotic, driving a Mercury Cougar instead of a good old fashioned Earth Cougar.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    God how I hated that double-tracking shit. Thank God my dad brought me a Pioneer Supertuner cassette deck back from Japan in '75. Of course, pre-recorded cassettes weren't very widely available until the Walkman came out, so I had to record my own off my albums on my all-in-one Lloyds stereo.

  • satyricrash

    Party at the Moon Tower.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Does this mean the terrorist have won?

  • VinnyThePooh

    The Department of Homemade Insecurity announced that it will institute a ban on all Mercury Cougars.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    8-Tracks. You couldn't fast forward or rewind. And there was always at least one song that got chopped up between two of the tracks. But they were a lot easier than cassettes to dig out of the center console compartment.

    • Troubledog

      Or they'd shuffle the order of the songs from the album! Or there would be one song that was shortened. Or even sometimes one song would be on there twice!

      Now they call that shit "remix"

    • jim89048

      I had a Muntz 4-track in my old 64 1/2 Mustang. Now I drive an '08 Mustang with an iPod jack, so progress!

  • mavenmaven

    Todd Rundgren still doesn't sound right without that track changing sound in the middle of the tracks. These are some nasty memories you have awakened. I had "the wiz" on 8-track as well. The Wiz!

    • VinnyThePooh

      Ouch!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War of the Worlds.

      • DoktorZoom

        My life will be forever Autumn…'cause you're not here…cause you're not here…(ad infinitum)

        Thank you very much.

      • mavenmaven

        Thanks to you and Dr. Zoom I will spending all of Christmas pulling those pencils out of my ears.

        • DoktorZoom

          Come on, Thunder Child!

    • elviouslyqueer

      My partner has an autographed copy of The Carpenters "Singles." Suck it, all of you.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Here. [Hands Kevin a copy of Morrisson Hotel] Take this, it's an 8-track tape. It's one of the last in existence. I want you to steal a car…

    Kevin: I have a car…

    Bruce: Steal a car!

    Kevin: Steal a car!!

    Bruce: I want you to get in it and drive West. Play the tape full blast. When the tape ends, get out and get into a fight, then get back into the car, come to town and meet me at the Bush's house…

  • mumbly_joe

    Bush spokesman David Sherzer said the Bushes were home at the time of the incident but were never in danger.

    George Bush doesn't care about black cars.

  • JackDempsey1

    I say it's that shoe-throwing guy on a temporary visa, looking to generate material for the second book.
    Either that or a 17-year-old whose dad must now agree, Seniors Rule. So there.

  • bumfug

    "…Fun, fun, fun 'til the Secret Service shot his kneecaps out."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The Cougar sprang across the curb onto the lawn as if trying to escape.

  • chickensmack

    The driver hit the wrong bush hedge.

  • BklynIlluminati

    You know damn well W asked if he at least brought a six pack.

  • SorosBot

    I cannot understand a single word in this conversation.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      Get off our lawns damnit!

    • chickensmack

      Just do what our kids have learned to do: say "Whatever," and walk off.

  • aguacatero

    Rarely is the question asked: Is our drunkards driving?

    David Sherzer's job must be an intellectual feast. Also.

  • Troubledog

    Me and four guys in my boy Bill's red 67 Impala stationwagon, drunk as fuck, doing donuts on the lawn at Jehovah's Witnesses, mailbox baseball, and Journey on 8-Track.

    On those fricking white label 8-Tracks you'd get from (drum roll) The Columbia Record And Tape Club! Remember, CHOOSE ANY TEN ALBUMS FOR ONLY A PENNY.

    Good fucking times

    • UW8316154

      And then you came over to my house and snuck in the window!

      Good fucking times indeed

      • Troubledog

        Lisa???

  • ttommyunger

    Alert Secret Service Agents promptly wrestled the vehicle to the ground. (Yes, we're still paying for Secret Service protection for Drunky McW and his deeply dysfunctional family).

    • zhubajie

      I wonder if that would be good duty or crap duty.

      • ttommyunger

        Armed to the teeth gophers.

        • WunkRocker

          Scoring weed and blow for Jenna and Babs II. A mixed bag.

          • ttommyunger

            Plus running to Walgreens for Dubya's Metamucil.

    • lurch394

      Chevy Chase on Weekend Update after that Buick hit Jerry Ford's presidential limousine in Hartford. Classic.

      • ttommyunger

        Another old-timer with a good memory. Huzzah!

        • lurch394

          Now that I think back, the driver of the LeSabre simply drove into an unblocked intersection and was smacked by the Lincoln. My memory isn't what it once was…

          • ttommyunger

            Join the…the….oh fuck it.

  • chickensmack

    To all you old people who replied to Monsieur_Grumpe:

    Jesus Retiring Christ, how fucking old are all you people?! I'm 41 and don't remember ANY of that shit.

    • jim89048

      Those that refuse to learn from the olds are doomed to repeat history, or some such shit.

      • lurch394

        The Olds, the Plymouth, the Pontiac, the Mercury–learned from them all.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      People?
      What planet is this?

    • zhubajie

      I'm 57 and I remember it. But I hated cars. Still do.

    • Beowoof

      Oh fuck there are youngsters in here. Isn't this site linked from Boom?

    • Troubledog

      I'm the same age as George Clooney.

      You're the same age as Beau Biden.

    • __kth__

      47 and from Houston. The Linklater film "Dazed and Confused" was my life.

      '72 Plymouth Duster, 8-track player standard. But I had heterodox tastes: "This Year's Model", "Best of Sam & Dave" (cause it was in the Blues Brothers movie!, but every song on it will melt your heart) on 8-track. "Who's Next" closest thing I had to the prevailing consensus.

  • thefrontpage

    Apparenly, Donald Rumsfeld was driving the car, and the passengers were Cheney, Gonzalez, Miers, Card, Fleisher, and Parino. Apparently they had stopped by The Pink Melon to pick up Parino after her late shift, gotten a few six-packs of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and were out "cruising" the neighborhood, drinking, making out with Parino and Miers, and, according to officials, smoking salvia. No one was arrested, and Parino was given a promotion at The Pink Melon.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Tiger Woods is fucking Laura now?

  • SudsMcKenzie
    • glamourdammerung

      Biden would have been doing doughnuts in the front lawn.

      • DoktorZoom

        Biden may yet be planning to do exactly that.

  • chascates

    How many of Bush's plastic lawn jockeys were run over?

  • LetUsBray

    Git off mah lawn. Heh heh heh.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Maybe the driver was a gynecologist who tried to practice some love on a patient while they were out Christmas shopping.

  • JackObin

    Oh what a night. A bunch of Texas assholes crash their assholemobile on the lawn of the idiot son of an asshole. I wonder if "Freebird" or "Stairway to Heaven" was playing on the AM radio?

  • Troubledog

    I don't think that actually qualifies as a "Muscle Car". This is a grandpa car. This car probably had a fairly straight 351 Windsor engine with a narrowly-jetted 4 barrel carb. The insurance industry had been very successful at shutting down the more exotic products by the time this car was designed.

    It's fat and sloppy with leather seats and power accessories and a undertuned automatic transmission. The 73 Cougar had more in common with your mom's Gran Torino station wagon than with the tasty types of Cougars produced from 67 through 70.

    • DoktorZoom

      Well of course, you're assuming it was stock. Any asshole with enough money to live in (or visit assholes who live in) Dubya's neighborhood probably modified the car to Make It Badass, although obviously they didn't know how to drive it in any case.

  • mrfawkes

    Dallas Texas, a President, a grassy area, a car, shots,….
    no need to call Oliver Stone
    Just some Texan with 8 shots in him lost on some idiots lawn.

  • mrfawkes

    Alerted by the Secret Service to the situation on his front lawn, and after three attempts to finally engage the correct button on the remote to pause the horror movie he was watching, Bush swaggered outside, looked around, smirked, and did one of the two official duties he was assigned by the vice president (the other–tossing out the first pitch at baseball games) and he gave the errant Cougar driver a nickname….Lawn Cheney.

  • meester_Data

    Did they have the Democrats push it out while drinking a Slurpee?

  • DashboardBuddha

    It looks like they tore up some bush…and Laura was last heard saying, "Where is that marvelous cougar?"

  • zhubajie

    When I first read the headline I wondered if someone had sent GWB a car-bomb!