the kids call it 'getting discipled' these days?

Pat Robertson Wants Pot Decriminalized To Help the Youngs


Just replace the pot with Jesus dorms! “We did it with video,” Pat Robertson says. Let’s do it with video! All we need to rehabilitate pot smokers is a VHS with some trippy video sequences. Glenn Beck agrees, actually.

The only problem with all of this, of course, is that it would make the Mexicans and the pot-smoking teenagers less scary. We need all the scary things we can get in this country. Because when you’re not scared, you actually take a look at yourself and your surroundings. And that’s a very unproductive, POTHEAD thing to do. [YouTube]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • gef05

    You know… I have more respect for what he says in this video than for a lot of the right-wing bullshit on the so-called "War on Drugs."

    I can't believe I just said that about Pat Robertson.

    /Don't get me wrong. I don't actually think we need to do anything to "these people". But we'll always be wanting to do something, and if it's a choice between jail and a Jesus-commune I'd plump for the latter.

    • HistoriCat

      In jail they fuck you in the ass; in a Jesus-commune they fuck you in the mind.

      • mavenmaven

        I think you might be underestimating the buttseks at Jesus communes.

        • HistoriCat

          First you, then Negropolis. I've fixed it below – hope you nitpickers are satisfied.

      • Negropolis

        You've never been to a Jesus-commune, have you? The only difference is that at a Jesus-commune they call it "therapy".

        • HistoriCat

          Oh, fine – "In jail they only fuck you in the ass; in a Jesus-commune first they fuck you in the mind.

          Is that better?

    • http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd271/lascauxcaveman/?action=view&current=KZ1100shafty.jpg Lascauxcaveman

      Hey, Mr. Rev Robertson: if you want to do the stoners a favor, just get their trials moved to Montana.

  • horsedreamer_1

    I suppose we found out who was clamouring for the Phish reunion.

  • charlesdegoal

    The slurry speech, doddling head, non sequiturs, all the symptoms of advanced addiction are there.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Clearly, Pat has taken up a little smoking habit.

      • LionelHutzEsq

        You will not be able to see his eyes because of Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension, and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim. He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will not respect your authority. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack for no reason, with every weapon at his command — including yours. Beware. Any officer apprehending a suspected marijuana addict should use all necessary force immediately.

  • OC_Surf_Serf

    "Jesus dorms" …a modern Auschwitz ?

    Even toasted on Bubba Kush, Glennnn Beck is not watchable

  • Serolf_Divad

    Guess we'll have to call him Pot Roberston from now on.

    Thank you , thank you. I'm here all week.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I always pictured Pat as a mushroom kind of a guy.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Yeah, but galerina autumnalis rather than liberty caps. Or toadstools really, too, also.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Hey, it worked pretty well for John of Patmos,.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Mushroom cloud, maybe.

  • Schmannnity

    Decriminalization is a great idea except I am against anything that might make Beck more paranoid.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee
    • Boehneriffic

      That comment officially wins the interwebs

  • HedonismBot

    I pretty much made up my mind about Mullah Robertson when I was about seven years old. I happened to catch a few minutes of the 700 Club, and I heard him talking about single mothers, how wicked and sinful their lives are and how much they make the baby Jebus cry, etc. I thought, "wait a second, my mom is a single mother, and she is good people."
    I'm a bit older now, but I've never really gotten over hearing my mother bashed on TV by a sanctimonious right-wing fraud who pretends to have even the faintest clue as to what my mother and her family have gone through.
    That being said, even a stopped clock is right twice a day (for once I kind of sort of agree with him about something.) And he's tied up with Lieberman in the contest for "best Droopy Dog impersonation."
    All he needs to say is "ya know what, I'm happy," and he'll get my vote.

    • gef05

      "That being said, even a stopped clock is right twice a day"

      Well said. It makes me want to spew that it's Pat Robertson offering a saner – not sane, just comparatively saner – alternative than jail time. WTF

    • BeWoot

      Fine. But this is a century clock and it's a digital set on military time. Pat Robertson is, by my count, right exactly once per century.

      • http://www.acepilots.com/wwi/can_bishop.html WABishop

        Oh, but it shows the years as well. Pat Robertson is actually right once, and once only.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    And all this time I thought both of these wads were imaginary characters invented to scare kids away from teh DevilWeed.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Wait a minute, you mean this stuff is illegal???

    *gets all paranoid*

  • BaldarTFlagass

    In fact, Pat is going to officially change the name of The 700 Club to The 420 Club.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Still not as awesome as George Reker's PEN 15 Group.

  • http://littlewanking.blogspot.com/ harry_palmer

    Both these guys know they make a lot more sense if we're stoned.

  • Come here a minute

    Wow, not only is Jesus a "wine-guzzling vagrant," he's a pot-smoking hippie, too! I wouldn't have believed it if it hadn't come from the two people who constantly have him whispering in their ears. (Well, they're definitely hearing somebody's voice in their heads. Could be the dog.)

    • BaldarTFlagass

      30 years ago, the "secret sign" of the pot-smoker in the Navy was "hair parted down the middle." One night while I was on watch in Damage Control Central (also the CHief ENGineer's office), a thusly-coiffed sailor had come by for some reason. After he left, the CHENG muttered something about "dope-smoking hippies with their damn hair parted in the middle." I said to the CHENG "But Mr Mac, JESUS parted his hair down the middle!" to which he responded "Yeah, him too."

      • VinnyThePooh

        They always seemed to sleep through scheduled man overboard drills.

  • Mindblank

    I dunno. The last thing we need is obese Americans with the munchies.

  • JustPixelz

    Good thing Noah also had two of each kind of weed on the ark. Or maybe one of his sons brought that on board — I'm looking at you Ham. I wonder if they'll include that in the Noah's Ark Ride. Mmmmm, ham …. I'm getting kinda hungry.

    • OneDollarJuana

      Wait, Noah's son was named "Ham"? I thought he was Jewish?

      • ShaveTheWhales

        Well, Leviticus is pretty clear about not eatin the Ham.

  • JoshuaNorton

    Ha! The old miser is just thinking of a way to make more munies for himself. If he can get all the grannies and trailer trash fundies hooked on pot he'll clean up by selling his special "Righteous Jesus Weed" to them.

    Why should all those evil Messican drug lords make all the big bucks?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      "Righteous Jesus Weed"

      "Two tokes and you'll think you've been raptured!!"

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Aren't you supposed to cue it up to start playing when the show goes from B&W to color? Or am I confusing this with something else?

  • FNMA

    OK, which of Pat's grandkids just got busted?

  • GodShammgod

    The blood diamond industry must be drying up.

    • OneDollarJuana

      It's called diversification.

  • jodyleek

    Does that mean it's now okay to proudly display my Jesus-shaped Holy Water Bong in the nativity scene?

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Oh, please say that is a real thing.

  • DCHatesMe

    I was just reaching for some nachos when the video ended. Pat's tie is so yellow.

  • tribbzthesquidz

    Seeing the 700 Crub reminds me I need to call my mom and dad today. I guess it's time to start drinking as well.

  • lochnessmonster

    Pot heads are scary…just look at t Willy Nelson and Cheech & Chong!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Los Hermanos Rodriguez don't approve of drugs.

      Neither do I, but it's Jesus' birthday.

  • neiltheblaze

    Next thing you know, Beck will be calling for the reintroduction of cocaine into Coca Cola. Original Intent and all that.

  • ttommyunger

    Bet your ass there is a payoff somewhere in this wrinkled old fuck's plan. Money is what this turd worships.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Next video I'm expecting to see on Wonkette: Rush Limbaugh Argues for Racial Sensitivity.

    • V572625694

      Never happen. Rush is from the Missouri Bootheel, a part of Missouri even more backward, bigoted and blighted than the rest of the state. They had plantations there. They'll never forget.

  • PublicLuxury

    That fucker looks dead.

  • EdFlintstone

    But we've been so winning this war on pot for that last 50 years.

    • PhilippePetain

      We the potheads? Totally!

      • CalamityJames

        $120 for a qoz of the good is not a win.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          That is so not a dime bag. Nor a nickle bag either, also, too.

  • bflrtsplk

    Now we know what Pat's been smokin' all these years. Beck uses it to cool that first Chrystal meth rush.

  • chickensmack

    America, listen to your Christian leaders. Even though you won't hire convicts, or let them vote, or carry weapons, at least they have God.

  • http://theaccidentalenvironmentalist.blogspot.com HurricaneAli

    While I was watching the PR video I was thinking, "you know what, this is about the pot-smoking Jesus-freak baby boomers who are getting near round retirement age." And that's what it is – more olds who were swingers in the 60's and 70's are retiring and getting scared about death and stuff so they are returning to the church; ol' Pat wants to make sure he gets his piece of the boomer pie.

    • Sue4466

      This makes a lot more sense then me actually having to agree with Pat Robertson.

  • wok3

    Minimum mandatory sentencing has been around for quite a few years now, nice to see Robertson is as up-to-date as he normally is.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    When did Pat Robertson convert to Rastafarianism?

  • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

    I'm getting a sneaking conspiracy theory that the old Mexican drug lords and cartels are going to be smoked themselves soon as big corporate money takes over the Mexican trade, also they'll be some last stand for RICO as all the land in California and Oregon gets seized, and then they'll be legalization once the best land is owned and operated by some major corporation; meanwhile the whole tea-party right will find "common ground" with the potheads based on shared "libertarian" values and that's how Sarah Palin will get into the White House.

  • wondering where i am

    Wow, I am so stoned that when I watch this video with Pat Robertson he looks and talks like Glen Beck. OMG, what a bad trip.

  • SudsMcKenzie

    pot or whatever, … yes or no, … I just want that red leather indoor coat.

  • BobWonderPoodle

    Pat, you won't convert the stoners until you convert the communion wafers to Doritos.

  • hagajim

    When Glenn Beck and Pat Robinson are calling for the legalization of marijuana we are all potheads!

  • SudsMcKenzie

    Dude, wheres my 4:20 club??

  • http://strangestoriesaboutsadpeople.blogspot.com/ Thedongsofwar

    Right here!

  • fuflans

    i can't watch 4 minutes of glenn beck.

  • lulzmonger

    DID WONKETTE JUST BLOW MY MIND??? Yeah, not so much.

    Good media-whores can smell a big new sponsorship opportunity from upwind – & they know when to roll along with public opinion. If the masses decided cannibalism was suddenly kewl, these choads would be pimping a Soylent Green sponsorship faster than you can say "moral deficit."

  • mrfawkes

    Pat Robertson anagram: Barters On Pot