Pat Robertson Wants Pot Decriminalized To Help the Youngs

by Jack Stuef

Just replace the pot with Jesus dorms! “We did it with video,” Pat Robertson says. Let’s do it with video! All we need to rehabilitate pot smokers is a VHS with some trippy video sequences. Glenn Beck agrees, actually.

The only problem with all of this, of course, is that it would make the Mexicans and the pot-smoking teenagers less scary. We need all the scary things we can get in this country. Because when you’re not scared, you actually take a look at yourself and your surroundings. And that’s a very unproductive, POTHEAD thing to do. [YouTube]

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gef05 December 23, 2010 at 9:57 am

You know… I have more respect for what he says in this video than for a lot of the right-wing bullshit on the so-called "War on Drugs."

I can't believe I just said that about Pat Robertson.

/Don't get me wrong. I don't actually think we need to do anything to "these people". But we'll always be wanting to do something, and if it's a choice between jail and a Jesus-commune I'd plump for the latter.

HistoriCat December 23, 2010 at 10:52 am

In jail they fuck you in the ass; in a Jesus-commune they fuck you in the mind.

mavenmaven December 23, 2010 at 11:32 am

I think you might be underestimating the buttseks at Jesus communes.

HistoriCat December 24, 2010 at 9:12 am

First you, then Negropolis. I've fixed it below – hope you nitpickers are satisfied.

Negropolis December 23, 2010 at 10:27 pm

You've never been to a Jesus-commune, have you? The only difference is that at a Jesus-commune they call it "therapy".

HistoriCat December 24, 2010 at 9:11 am

Oh, fine – "In jail they only fuck you in the ass; in a Jesus-commune first they fuck you in the mind.

Is that better?

Lascauxcaveman December 23, 2010 at 2:06 pm

Hey, Mr. Rev Robertson: if you want to do the stoners a favor, just get their trials moved to Montana.

horsedreamer_1 December 23, 2010 at 9:57 am

I suppose we found out who was clamouring for the Phish reunion.

charlesdegoal December 23, 2010 at 9:58 am

The slurry speech, doddling head, non sequiturs, all the symptoms of advanced addiction are there.

OneDollarJuana December 23, 2010 at 11:16 am

Clearly, Pat has taken up a little smoking habit.

LionelHutzEsq December 23, 2010 at 12:49 pm

You will not be able to see his eyes because of Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension, and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim. He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will not respect your authority. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack for no reason, with every weapon at his command — including yours. Beware. Any officer apprehending a suspected marijuana addict should use all necessary force immediately.

OC_Surf_Serf December 23, 2010 at 9:59 am

"Jesus dorms" …a modern Auschwitz ?

Even toasted on Bubba Kush, Glennnn Beck is not watchable

Serolf_Divad December 23, 2010 at 10:00 am

Guess we'll have to call him Pot Roberston from now on.

Thank you , thank you. I'm here all week.

Monsieur_Grumpe December 23, 2010 at 10:01 am

I always pictured Pat as a mushroom kind of a guy.

weejee December 23, 2010 at 10:06 am

Yeah, but galerina autumnalis rather than liberty caps. Or toadstools really, too, also.

ShaveTheWhales December 23, 2010 at 7:42 pm

Hey, it worked pretty well for John of Patmos,.

Swampgas_Man December 24, 2010 at 5:31 pm

Mushroom cloud, maybe.

Schmannnity December 23, 2010 at 10:01 am

Decriminalization is a great idea except I am against anything that might make Beck more paranoid.

weejee December 23, 2010 at 10:01 am
Boehneriffic December 23, 2010 at 10:07 am

That comment officially wins the interwebs

HedonismBot December 23, 2010 at 10:01 am

I pretty much made up my mind about Mullah Robertson when I was about seven years old. I happened to catch a few minutes of the 700 Club, and I heard him talking about single mothers, how wicked and sinful their lives are and how much they make the baby Jebus cry, etc. I thought, "wait a second, my mom is a single mother, and she is good people."
I'm a bit older now, but I've never really gotten over hearing my mother bashed on TV by a sanctimonious right-wing fraud who pretends to have even the faintest clue as to what my mother and her family have gone through.
That being said, even a stopped clock is right twice a day (for once I kind of sort of agree with him about something.) And he's tied up with Lieberman in the contest for "best Droopy Dog impersonation."
All he needs to say is "ya know what, I'm happy," and he'll get my vote.

gef05 December 23, 2010 at 10:04 am

"That being said, even a stopped clock is right twice a day"

Well said. It makes me want to spew that it's Pat Robertson offering a saner – not sane, just comparatively saner – alternative than jail time. WTF

BeWoot December 23, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Fine. But this is a century clock and it's a digital set on military time. Pat Robertson is, by my count, right exactly once per century.

WABishop December 23, 2010 at 4:40 pm

Oh, but it shows the years as well. Pat Robertson is actually right once, and once only.

FlownOver December 23, 2010 at 10:02 am

And all this time I thought both of these wads were imaginary characters invented to scare kids away from teh DevilWeed.

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 10:06 am

Wait a minute, you mean this stuff is illegal???

*gets all paranoid*

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 10:08 am

In fact, Pat is going to officially change the name of The 700 Club to The 420 Club.

horsedreamer_1 December 23, 2010 at 10:41 am

Still not as awesome as George Reker's PEN 15 Group.

harry_palmer December 23, 2010 at 10:12 am

Both these guys know they make a lot more sense if we're stoned.

Come here a minute December 23, 2010 at 10:14 am

Wow, not only is Jesus a "wine-guzzling vagrant," he's a pot-smoking hippie, too! I wouldn't have believed it if it hadn't come from the two people who constantly have him whispering in their ears. (Well, they're definitely hearing somebody's voice in their heads. Could be the dog.)

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 10:25 am

30 years ago, the "secret sign" of the pot-smoker in the Navy was "hair parted down the middle." One night while I was on watch in Damage Control Central (also the CHief ENGineer's office), a thusly-coiffed sailor had come by for some reason. After he left, the CHENG muttered something about "dope-smoking hippies with their damn hair parted in the middle." I said to the CHENG "But Mr Mac, JESUS parted his hair down the middle!" to which he responded "Yeah, him too."

VinnyThePooh December 23, 2010 at 11:05 am

They always seemed to sleep through scheduled man overboard drills.

Mindblank December 23, 2010 at 10:23 am

I dunno. The last thing we need is obese Americans with the munchies.

JustPixelz December 23, 2010 at 10:24 am

Good thing Noah also had two of each kind of weed on the ark. Or maybe one of his sons brought that on board — I'm looking at you Ham. I wonder if they'll include that in the Noah's Ark Ride. Mmmmm, ham …. I'm getting kinda hungry.

OneDollarJuana December 23, 2010 at 11:19 am

Wait, Noah's son was named "Ham"? I thought he was Jewish?

ShaveTheWhales December 23, 2010 at 7:45 pm

Well, Leviticus is pretty clear about not eatin the Ham.

JoshuaNorton December 23, 2010 at 10:30 am

Ha! The old miser is just thinking of a way to make more munies for himself. If he can get all the grannies and trailer trash fundies hooked on pot he'll clean up by selling his special "Righteous Jesus Weed" to them.

Why should all those evil Messican drug lords make all the big bucks?

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 10:45 am

"Righteous Jesus Weed"

"Two tokes and you'll think you've been raptured!!"

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 10:31 am

Aren't you supposed to cue it up to start playing when the show goes from B&W to color? Or am I confusing this with something else?

FNMA December 23, 2010 at 10:31 am

OK, which of Pat's grandkids just got busted?

GodShammgod December 23, 2010 at 10:34 am

The blood diamond industry must be drying up.

OneDollarJuana December 23, 2010 at 11:19 am

It's called diversification.

jodyleek December 23, 2010 at 10:40 am

Does that mean it's now okay to proudly display my Jesus-shaped Holy Water Bong in the nativity scene?

ShaveTheWhales December 23, 2010 at 7:46 pm

Oh, please say that is a real thing.

DCHatesMe December 23, 2010 at 10:46 am

I was just reaching for some nachos when the video ended. Pat's tie is so yellow.

tribbzthesquidz December 23, 2010 at 10:48 am

Seeing the 700 Crub reminds me I need to call my mom and dad today. I guess it's time to start drinking as well.

lochnessmonster December 23, 2010 at 10:54 am

Pot heads are scary…just look at t Willy Nelson and Cheech & Chong!

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 10:59 am

Los Hermanos Rodriguez don't approve of drugs.

Neither do I, but it's Jesus' birthday.

neiltheblaze December 23, 2010 at 10:56 am

Next thing you know, Beck will be calling for the reintroduction of cocaine into Coca Cola. Original Intent and all that.

ttommyunger December 23, 2010 at 11:02 am

Bet your ass there is a payoff somewhere in this wrinkled old fuck's plan. Money is what this turd worships.

BarackMyWorld December 23, 2010 at 11:10 am

Next video I'm expecting to see on Wonkette: Rush Limbaugh Argues for Racial Sensitivity.

V572625694 December 23, 2010 at 11:35 am

Never happen. Rush is from the Missouri Bootheel, a part of Missouri even more backward, bigoted and blighted than the rest of the state. They had plantations there. They'll never forget.

PublicLuxury December 23, 2010 at 11:15 am

That fucker looks dead.

EdFlintstone December 23, 2010 at 11:19 am

But we've been so winning this war on pot for that last 50 years.

PhilippePetain December 23, 2010 at 11:45 am

We the potheads? Totally!

CalamityJames December 23, 2010 at 1:13 pm

$120 for a qoz of the good is not a win.

weejee December 23, 2010 at 1:49 pm

That is so not a dime bag. Nor a nickle bag either, also, too.

bflrtsplk December 23, 2010 at 11:22 am

Now we know what Pat's been smokin' all these years. Beck uses it to cool that first Chrystal meth rush.

chickensmack December 23, 2010 at 11:22 am

America, listen to your Christian leaders. Even though you won't hire convicts, or let them vote, or carry weapons, at least they have God.

HurricaneAli December 23, 2010 at 11:24 am

While I was watching the PR video I was thinking, "you know what, this is about the pot-smoking Jesus-freak baby boomers who are getting near round retirement age." And that's what it is – more olds who were swingers in the 60's and 70's are retiring and getting scared about death and stuff so they are returning to the church; ol' Pat wants to make sure he gets his piece of the boomer pie.

Sue4466 December 23, 2010 at 12:02 pm

This makes a lot more sense then me actually having to agree with Pat Robertson.

wok3 December 23, 2010 at 12:42 pm

Minimum mandatory sentencing has been around for quite a few years now, nice to see Robertson is as up-to-date as he normally is.

LionelHutzEsq December 23, 2010 at 12:53 pm

When did Pat Robertson convert to Rastafarianism?

MarionNYNY December 23, 2010 at 1:08 pm

I'm getting a sneaking conspiracy theory that the old Mexican drug lords and cartels are going to be smoked themselves soon as big corporate money takes over the Mexican trade, also they'll be some last stand for RICO as all the land in California and Oregon gets seized, and then they'll be legalization once the best land is owned and operated by some major corporation; meanwhile the whole tea-party right will find "common ground" with the potheads based on shared "libertarian" values and that's how Sarah Palin will get into the White House.

wondering where i am December 23, 2010 at 2:06 pm

Wow, I am so stoned that when I watch this video with Pat Robertson he looks and talks like Glen Beck. OMG, what a bad trip.

SudsMcKenzie December 23, 2010 at 2:08 pm

pot or whatever, … yes or no, … I just want that red leather indoor coat.

BobWonderPoodle December 23, 2010 at 3:52 pm

Pat, you won't convert the stoners until you convert the communion wafers to Doritos.

hagajim December 23, 2010 at 4:47 pm

When Glenn Beck and Pat Robinson are calling for the legalization of marijuana we are all potheads!

SudsMcKenzie December 23, 2010 at 4:52 pm

Dude, wheres my 4:20 club??

Thedongsofwar December 23, 2010 at 4:58 pm

Right here!

fuflans December 23, 2010 at 10:33 pm

i can't watch 4 minutes of glenn beck.

lulzmonger December 23, 2010 at 11:23 pm

DID WONKETTE JUST BLOW MY MIND??? Yeah, not so much.

Good media-whores can smell a big new sponsorship opportunity from upwind – & they know when to roll along with public opinion. If the masses decided cannibalism was suddenly kewl, these choads would be pimping a Soylent Green sponsorship faster than you can say "moral deficit."

mrfawkes December 24, 2010 at 2:40 am

Pat Robertson anagram: Barters On Pot

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