IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA  8:52 am December 23, 2010

Alaska Supreme Court: Joe Miller Is a Huge Loser

by Riley Waggaman

Time to face the music that everyone else was listening to MONTHS AGO.

  • Break out your advent calendar and enjoy a delicious chocolate-covered Alaska Supreme Court ruling which states there “are no remaining issues raised by Miller that prevent this election from being certified.” Yay! Blow it out yer butt, Joe Miller, you hairy fraud. Joe will have two days to file “additional complaints,” but it’s unclear what he could possibly complain about at this point, since his dumb whining about “illegal voter intent” has officially been struck down. Maybe Joe Miller can argue that the Alaska Supreme Court is unconstitutional, because Sarah Palin never endorsed it on Twitter? Maybe! Thanks for the laughs, Joe. And please stay out of the news forever. [WP]
  • “WTF is the acronym for the newly formed WikiLeaks Task Force, a project launched by the CIA to determine how the leak of hundreds of thousands of cables and files will affect intelligence operations.” There is simply nothing more to add. [Fox News]
  • A harmless seventeen-year-old Pakistani who lost both his legs in a horrible Predator drone attack is suing the United States for blowing his legs off with death robots for no reason whatsoever. [Seattle Times]
 
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{ 113 comments }

Monsieur_Grumpe December 23, 2010 at 8:58 am

Good Morning Mr. Riley (Germ Incubator) Waggaman! I hope you are feeling better.

rileywaggs December 23, 2010 at 9:00 am

good morning! I just took two shots of cough syrup so yes, I'm feeling GREAT!

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 9:05 am

Do yez a couple Green Eye-Openers (2 shots Creme de Menthe, 2 Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine tablets, mix both in 4 oz glass of water) and you'll be ready to carpe diem

Monsieur_Grumpe December 23, 2010 at 9:17 am

What he needs is a Flaming Moe (Flaming Homer) The fun way to get your cough syrup vitamins.

1 oz. Brandy
1/2 oz. Blackberry Liqueur
1 oz. Creme de Menthe
1 oz. Pineapple Juice
1 oz. Sloe Gin
2 tbsp. Grape Cough Syrup (Krusty Non-Narkotik Kough Syrup)

LocalGirlMakesGoo December 23, 2010 at 9:40 am

8 oz. Orange juice
X oz. Rum. (no one will judge)
1 Airborne tablet.

I drink one every single morning, as a precautionary measure.

Rarian Rakista December 23, 2010 at 3:29 pm

Purple Drank, cough syrup with Codeine and Sprite.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purple_drank

CapeClod December 23, 2010 at 8:58 am

Maybe he can go on Palin's show and whine, just like Kate Gosselin did.

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 9:01 am

Pakistani kid lost his legs not because of Predator drone, but because of repeal of DADT. He should sue Harry Reid.

trampndirtdown December 23, 2010 at 9:15 am

Johnny Mac called this one.

Clancy_Pants December 23, 2010 at 9:02 am

15 minutes are up Joe. back in your hole.

nicnack74 December 23, 2010 at 9:24 am

I'm beginning to think the measuring for the drapes was premature.

chickensmack December 23, 2010 at 9:34 am

does his carpet even match the drapes?

elviouslyqueer December 23, 2010 at 9:56 am

What carpet? Todd depilated that with his teeth years ago.

Lascauxcaveman December 23, 2010 at 11:55 am

TMI, DADT!

justkillmenow December 23, 2010 at 10:21 am

And take Palin with you.

Negropolis December 23, 2010 at 10:11 pm

15 minutes? It felt more like a half-an-hour.

JustPixelz December 23, 2010 at 9:02 am

I've been ahead of the WikiLeaks Task Force for years. Hardly a day goes by that someone doesn't say to me, "Dude, WTF". Usually this is accompanied with some eye-rolling, which is how I expect people to react to the CIA's effort.

noodlesalad December 23, 2010 at 9:03 am

Looking forward to the next episode of True North Mama Grizzly and her Cubzz when Uncle Joe shows up, gets hammered, and shoots out the windows of the old mill with a .22, bellowing about voter fraud and spellin'. Time to go a prospectin' for gold on the Fox River, Joe!

LocalGirlMakesGoo December 23, 2010 at 9:43 am

And maybe she'll shoot him like she did that Alaska cow beast. For profit!

Badonkadonkette December 23, 2010 at 9:03 am

On the domestic side, the DHS has started its own unit, the Assange Special Surveillance and Missions Unit for National Counterintelligence Help to Every Region.

LocalGirlMakesGoo December 23, 2010 at 9:47 am

I thought the DoD just said it was going to phase out acronyms.

HistoriCat December 23, 2010 at 10:03 am

Do you see an acronym used in that sentence? No – I didn't think so.

Negropolis December 23, 2010 at 10:13 pm

I feel a new Law & Order coming on. Law & Order: Assange SVU – Stockholm.

Zvi_Bleindmeis December 23, 2010 at 9:03 am

Something tells me we haven't heard the last of Joe "The Miller" Miller. Vermin like him are never easy to get rid of. He may have a new shtick next time, though, since the Bounty paper towel thing didn't work out. Any suggestions for him?

Monsieur_Grumpe December 23, 2010 at 9:05 am

It is time for Miller to fade into obscurity or become a Fox News pundit. Unfortunately, it will probably be the latter.

chickensmack December 23, 2010 at 9:14 am

No, no, no, fuck no. I don't need another "real 'merkun" from the frozen wasteland of Methalabska to tell me what's wrong in our heartland.

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 9:10 am

He's going to try and catch on as Sarah's dopey sidekick. He'll be Sancho Panza to her Don Quixote, Doctor Watson to her Sherlock Holmes, Tonto to her Lone Ranger, Robin to her Batman, Chumley to her Tennessee Tuxedo.

Progressiveinga December 23, 2010 at 9:16 am

Bush to her Cheney, also too.

Lascauxcaveman December 23, 2010 at 11:58 am

Ren, to her Stimpy

Barrelhse December 23, 2010 at 9:31 am

The Stink on her Shit.

gef05 December 23, 2010 at 9:42 am

John Holmes to her Marilyn Chambers.

horsedreamer_1 December 23, 2010 at 9:51 am

This would go along with a very special episode of Sarah Palin's Alaska!: "The Lone Ranger & Tonto Fist in Healy Lake".

SorosBot December 23, 2010 at 12:25 pm

Jazzy Jeff to her Fresh Prince, Oats to her Hall, Garfunkel to her Simon, Ringo to her Rest of the Beatles.

Progressiveinga December 23, 2010 at 9:14 am

Has ABC contacted him about next season's Dancing w/ the Has-Beens? Just look what that show did for The Hammer and The Tucker, The Hoff and Big B-Palin. No brainer, srsly.

SorosBot December 23, 2010 at 9:31 am

The Hoff's own reality show lasted a full three episodes before it was canceled; going on that dancing show is just the ultimate ticket to renewed fame and fortune.

Progressiveinga December 23, 2010 at 11:21 am

And The Hammer may be headed to The Slammer.

elviouslyqueer December 23, 2010 at 9:58 am

Gay marrying Joe the Plumber, obvs.

neiltheblaze December 23, 2010 at 10:30 am

He could always be the next Oxy-Clean spokes-beard.

JustPixelz December 23, 2010 at 9:06 am

Palin's a kinda one-woman political death panel, isn't she? Sharron Angle, Christine O'Donnell, now Joe Miller. But we should thank her for putting the nail in McCain's coffin* back in '08.
_____________________
* metaphorically, though I'll bet she thought** about it literally.
_____________________
** assuming she thinks in the first place

CapeClod December 23, 2010 at 9:17 am

I think she also backed Carley Fiorina and the big foreheaded lady from Ebay in California, two other huge losers.

V572625694 December 23, 2010 at 9:38 am

You're really David Foster Wallace, aren't you. I knew he wasn't really dead.

horsedreamer_1 December 23, 2010 at 9:53 am

Had WALNUTS! won, then "died" in office, it wouldn't have been the first time a VP killed the President.

Looking at you, Millard Fillmore.

Mindblank December 23, 2010 at 9:08 am

I suppose the next CIA operation will be Liquidate Our Leaks

cheaphits December 23, 2010 at 11:19 am

Then Governmental Transition to Future Outsourcing, or GTFO to prevent future leaks.

Barbara_i December 23, 2010 at 9:09 am

Looks like this ass clown is going to have to go back to his server job at the Wasilla Casa Kielbasa. Buh Bye, Joe and take that little gay boy in the picture with you.

chickensmack December 23, 2010 at 9:16 am

speak for yourself. regarding that little "gay boy", I'd hit it.

(with a shovel, repeatedly)

Barbara_i December 23, 2010 at 9:22 am

I'm just calling a spade a spade. Let's meet in the middle and you hit it with a spade or we could just pray that she runs into one of those ice road truckers and slides under the rig, tasting her own arterial spray.

chickensmack December 23, 2010 at 9:31 am

oh Jesus, I think I just got a stiffie.

Barbara_i December 23, 2010 at 10:16 am

If you want to lose that chubby REALLY fast just go to youtube and watch Rex Ryan's wife in their homemade foot fixation video. That shit needs more work than Mt Rushmore.

mavenmaven December 23, 2010 at 9:11 am

Now that this teen is suing the USA, he's an enemy combatant and can be properly killed. I would bet Fox will make this argument.

trampndirtdown December 23, 2010 at 9:18 am

Or disappeared.

HistoriCat December 23, 2010 at 10:20 am

What are the odds on someone making a joke about Guantanamo wheelchair ramps?

jim89048 December 23, 2010 at 11:20 am

As humanely as we treat our prisoners, though, he'll die with brand-new prosthetic limbs attached.

freakishlywrong December 23, 2010 at 9:14 am

Wonkett commenter freakishlywrong: Joe Miller is a huge loser, as the Mama Grizzly who endorsed him.

ifthethunderdontgetya December 23, 2010 at 9:14 am

Maybe Joe Miller can argue that the Alaska Supreme Court is unconstitutional, because Sarah Palin never endorsed it on Twitter? Maybe!

Jeezus, Riley! Don't give ol' neckbeard any ideas!
~

SorosBot December 23, 2010 at 9:15 am

Hey Joe, where you goin' with that gun in your hand?

gef05 December 23, 2010 at 9:52 am

He is going downtown, to shoot his lady…

trampndirtdown December 23, 2010 at 9:19 am

She's wearing a scarf again. What's she hiding hmmm?

Barrelhse December 23, 2010 at 9:35 am

From here, it appears to be a cum-wiper.

Blendergoathead December 23, 2010 at 9:20 am

I'm sure Scalia, et al can find something in the REAL Constitution to remedy Miller's situation (in his favor, of course).

"Surprise" SCOTUS intervention in 3… 2… 1…

Serolf_Divad December 23, 2010 at 9:22 am

Looks like we've just polished off our last can of Miller Low Life.

Buuurp.

last time I'm buying that beverage.

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 9:25 am

Shoulda got the Miller Genuine Graft instead.

Barbara_i December 23, 2010 at 9:28 am

Taste hate, less thrilling.

Negropolis December 23, 2010 at 10:20 pm

You guys are killing me.

Come here a minute December 23, 2010 at 9:23 am

Note to Pakistani boy — evidence of the increased difficulty in making it to Taliban leadership conferences will not help your case.

Acrewood December 23, 2010 at 9:24 am

For more on the political circus, check out The Bond Project at http://www.thebondproject.net

BaldarTFlagass December 23, 2010 at 9:36 am

Sean Connery was always my favorite Bond. Though Daniel Craig is right up there.

TanzbodenKoenig December 23, 2010 at 11:55 am

For more on the political circus blog-whoring and douchebaggery, check out…

There, fixed that for you!

HempDogbane December 23, 2010 at 9:26 am

Isn't that person in the photo next to Miller the actress who played the youngest sister on Petticoat Junction?

"After Steve and Betty Jo married, they set up housekeeping in a cottage near the tracks between Hooterville and Pixley. A baby was added the following season. They moved back to the Shady Rest Hotel in the final year of production." (Wikipedia)

nicnack74 December 23, 2010 at 9:27 am

If we've learned anything from Republican candidates, the age of Fox propoganda, and the Tea party is that this guy will not disappear. He will draaag his 15 minutes to a half hour and translate his bullshit into a book, merchandising, and a PAC. Then he will be a pundit and run again. I truly hate the media sausage.

HedonismBot December 23, 2010 at 9:31 am

You said basically the same thing I did, but about a minute earlier and I didn't see it. Great minds think alike. That is to say, great minds think.

HedonismBot December 23, 2010 at 9:27 am

If Sarah Palin taught us anything, it is that defeat only makes these teabagging fools stronger. So Joe Miller will soon be elected (or divinely appointed) emperor of the universe. If Sarah Palin taught us anything else, it's that he will probably quit halfway through his term.

RedneckMuslin December 23, 2010 at 9:39 am

Only in a red state would it take a supreme court declaration to make people realize this joke was a loser. We, here, knew that the first time he opened his mouth.

V572625694 December 23, 2010 at 9:42 am

So the CIA has decided leaking of "cables" might be a problem, and immediately — only a few months after it happened — assembled a group which labored mightily, perhaps for weeks, to name itself something everyone in the entire English-speaking world would laugh at. Carry on, spies! Failure is not an option, although requesting more funding to continue this important work probably is item 2 on the agenda.

And regarding the picture: "veteran Joe Miller" has more experience at being Joe Miller than anyone else not named Joe Miller. This alone should have won the election.

x111e7thst December 23, 2010 at 9:46 am

Clearly dumb Alaskan voters who wrote Leeza Meerkowski on their dumb Alaskan ballots were just making fun of the process, not attempting to indicate any sort of intent or preference. And this is why Joe the Miller wants Senators to be appointed, on Twitter, by Sarah Palin.

Ducksworthy December 23, 2010 at 9:48 am

So what finally happened to Joe the Plumber? Did he get sucked down a toilet bowl somewhere? Or is he quiet and content now that his $250,000 income will not be taxed at the higher rate?

Angry_Marmot December 23, 2010 at 5:12 pm

Just don't say that name three times.

bureaucrap December 23, 2010 at 9:49 am

Joe Miller will be back, next time with a bunch of truncheon-carrying brownshirts that salute on cue.

weejee December 23, 2010 at 9:52 am

The CIA has launched many WTF operations. Back in the daze, they had us looking for VC submarines in the Mekong Delta where many of the hydra-like riverlettes were too shallow for successful snorkeling.

ShaveTheWhales December 23, 2010 at 7:37 pm

Ah, but your incessant vigilance kept them VC subs outta there, so CIA FTW, amirite?

Also, camels.

horsedreamer_1 December 23, 2010 at 9:56 am

بلاك نايت

LocalGirlMakesGoo December 23, 2010 at 8:05 pm

Balaka na'eet?

I barely passed Arabic 101.

elviouslyqueer December 23, 2010 at 10:05 am

Hairy fraud? Riley, you're being far too nice, when something along the lines of Zvi_B's brilliant WALNUTS takedown, "morally corrupt, self-satisfied, duplicitous, calcified, arrogant diarrhea pouch," works just as well.

bagofmice December 23, 2010 at 10:14 am

You had me at calcified.

prommie December 23, 2010 at 10:06 am

I guess he will go back to writing those joke collections, then?

Everyone knows there is no such thing as a harmless Pakistani.

bitchincamaro2 December 23, 2010 at 11:05 am

Legless, not armless.

xsluggo December 23, 2010 at 10:11 am

Anyone think Miller looks like Robert Downey Jr. in “Tropic of Thunder”? Except for the added 8 inches, of course.

ttommyunger December 23, 2010 at 10:57 am

Nice shot there: a loser-queefer and a quitting-grifter. Coverage like this makes me wish a pretty blonde somewhere in the Lower 48 would get herself killed or kidnapped.

DustBowlBlues December 23, 2010 at 11:09 am

That FB update in support of Miller that Sarah had spent all morning preparing could have made all the difference. But then Miller pissed off Todd by saying Bible Spice was too stoopid to be president. So Milller has only his own, ungrateful self to blame.

I hope you're proud of yourself, Joe. Now go shave.

PublicLuxury December 23, 2010 at 11:12 am

Hey Joe, This is what happens when you're an incompetent hack and have pissed anyone with any power in Alaska. Even the Todd, aka First Dude, hates you. Good luck finding a job, dingleballs.

BarackMyWorld December 23, 2010 at 11:16 am

Will the WTF have an Office of Media Governance to keep their agents informed of regulations the government can enforce, or a Legal Office at Langley?

mumbly_joe December 23, 2010 at 11:17 am

Completely OT, but apparently Rudy 9iu11iani and Tom Ridge and Mike Mukasey have decided it's not enough just to criticize the President while on foreign soil, during wartime (!!!), so now they've upped the ante by doing all of that, while also palling around with commie terrorists, in France.

(No, literally; they are a Marxist-Leninist terror organization, formerly affiliated with Saddam Hussein, and, btw, are also kinda cultish, by most reports.)

BarackMyWorld December 23, 2010 at 11:25 am

The Americans – former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani, former secretary of homeland security Tom Ridge, former White House homeland security adviser Frances Fragos Townsend and former attorney general Michael Mukasey – demanded that Obama instead take the controversial Mujaheddin-e Khalq (MEK) opposition group off the U.S. list of foreign terrorist organizations and incorporate it into efforts to overturn the mullah-led government in Tehran.

This is good news for John McCain.

SorosBot December 23, 2010 at 11:43 am

Hey, they're fighting the Iranian leadership, which makes everything they do perfectly OK; just like fighting Commies meant it was OK for Ecuador's regime to slaughter nuns and children, or the Contras to smuggle cocaine to America's cities.

cheaphits December 23, 2010 at 11:23 am

Am I correct that the US told the Paki kid not to come crawlin' to us…

deanbooth December 23, 2010 at 11:27 am

Is that 17-year-old kid the one who hacked Palin's email?

EdFlintstone December 23, 2010 at 11:45 am

The Pakistani kid needs to look on the bright side, he could still play second base.

TanzbodenKoenig December 23, 2010 at 11:52 am

The Alaska Supreme Court – The Honorable Judge Captain Obvious presiding…

One_who_wanders December 23, 2010 at 3:58 pm

Did the court say we could abandon Miller on an ice floe. Please. Pretty please.

LetUsBray December 23, 2010 at 6:42 pm

Like US America needs a reason to blow the legs off a 17-year old with flying death robots. For Freedom.

ShaveTheWhales December 23, 2010 at 7:40 pm

I just hope Joe the Almost-Beard goes looking for the "Additional Complaint Department" and finds the Hitting-on-the-Head Department instead.

lulzmonger December 23, 2010 at 11:55 pm

The CIA's explanation: "We did it for the lulz."

truthrevealer December 27, 2010 at 3:56 am

If Palin chose to endorse Miller, he must be a good man! The kind none of you can handle.

weejee December 23, 2010 at 9:47 am

And a nice Alice B. brownie for dessert. Heck, it's the holiday season. Get well soon.

BarryOPotter December 23, 2010 at 10:17 am

That sounds like the kind of precaution one should take in case one meets other people!

"Huh? Joe Miller was robbed? You're a tard, 'bro, but hey that's cool. I'm feeling just really chill at 7:30am on this train. God, what is that smell?"

chickensmack December 23, 2010 at 11:15 am

"Mind if I touch them again? Can I smell them?"

Jesus, why did you show me that? AND RIGHT AT CHRISTMASTIME, TOO

Barbara_i December 23, 2010 at 11:33 am

I'm sorry, I should have kept that to myself.

TanzbodenKoenig December 23, 2010 at 11:56 am

IDK, my BFF Rose?

Lascauxcaveman December 23, 2010 at 12:04 pm

'Tis the season for sharing (but not that).

chickensmack December 23, 2010 at 12:39 pm

I've directed plays in theatre before. With that "director's eye," I am more critical of movies, and the choices that directors make when choosing contextual shots, or lighting schemes. For YouTube, I can walk away from that "criticism" pretty cleanly.

But for that video, all I could think of was his clammy-ass hand just making the camera slippery, every time she demurred to his "may I touch it?"

Barbara_i December 23, 2010 at 1:37 pm

I liked the way she had her feet outside the window like that. He should have approached her, assumed that her car broke down and offered to call a toe-truck. It would have to be a big one because her feet were HUGE! I thought it was Brett Farve there for a minute.

PresBeeblebrox December 23, 2010 at 5:33 pm

I love you, Alice B. Toklas… and so does Gertrude Stein.

Chet Kincaid December 23, 2010 at 5:40 pm

Sounds like a title for a Meat Loaf Christmas song.

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