it's morning in america

Alaska Supreme Court: Joe Miller Is a Huge Loser

Time to face the music that everyone else was listening to MONTHS AGO.

  • Break out your advent calendar and enjoy a delicious chocolate-covered Alaska Supreme Court ruling which states there “are no remaining issues raised by Miller that prevent this election from being certified.” Yay! Blow it out yer butt, Joe Miller, you hairy fraud. Joe will have two days to file “additional complaints,” but it’s unclear what he could possibly complain about at this point, since his dumb whining about “illegal voter intent” has officially been struck down. Maybe Joe Miller can argue that the Alaska Supreme Court is unconstitutional, because Sarah Palin never endorsed it on Twitter? Maybe! Thanks for the laughs, Joe. And please stay out of the news forever. [WP]
  • “WTF is the acronym for the newly formed WikiLeaks Task Force, a project launched by the CIA to determine how the leak of hundreds of thousands of cables and files will affect intelligence operations.” There is simply nothing more to add. [Fox News]
  • A harmless seventeen-year-old Pakistani who lost both his legs in a horrible Predator drone attack is suing the United States for blowing his legs off with death robots for no reason whatsoever. [Seattle Times]
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About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman

Hola wonkerados.

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113 comments

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Do yez a couple Green Eye-Openers (2 shots Creme de Menthe, 2 Alka-Seltzer Plus Cold Medicine tablets, mix both in 4 oz glass of water) and you'll be ready to carpe diem

        1. Monsieur_Grumpe

          What he needs is a Flaming Moe (Flaming Homer) The fun way to get your cough syrup vitamins.

          1 oz. Brandy
          1/2 oz. Blackberry Liqueur
          1 oz. Creme de Menthe
          1 oz. Pineapple Juice
          1 oz. Sloe Gin
          2 tbsp. Grape Cough Syrup (Krusty Non-Narkotik Kough Syrup)

          1. LocalGirlMakesGoo

            8 oz. Orange juice
            X oz. Rum. (no one will judge)
            1 Airborne tablet.

            I drink one every single morning, as a precautionary measure.

          2. BarryOPotter

            That sounds like the kind of precaution one should take in case one meets other people!

            "Huh? Joe Miller was robbed? You're a tard, 'bro, but hey that's cool. I'm feeling just really chill at 7:30am on this train. God, what is that smell?"

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    Pakistani kid lost his legs not because of Predator drone, but because of repeal of DADT. He should sue Harry Reid.

  2. JustPixelz

    I've been ahead of the WikiLeaks Task Force for years. Hardly a day goes by that someone doesn't say to me, "Dude, WTF". Usually this is accompanied with some eye-rolling, which is how I expect people to react to the CIA's effort.

  3. noodlesalad

    Looking forward to the next episode of True North Mama Grizzly and her Cubzz when Uncle Joe shows up, gets hammered, and shoots out the windows of the old mill with a .22, bellowing about voter fraud and spellin'. Time to go a prospectin' for gold on the Fox River, Joe!

  4. Badonkadonkette

    On the domestic side, the DHS has started its own unit, the Assange Special Surveillance and Missions Unit for National Counterintelligence Help to Every Region.

  5. Zvi_Bleindmeis

    Something tells me we haven't heard the last of Joe "The Miller" Miller. Vermin like him are never easy to get rid of. He may have a new shtick next time, though, since the Bounty paper towel thing didn't work out. Any suggestions for him?

    1. Monsieur_Grumpe

      It is time for Miller to fade into obscurity or become a Fox News pundit. Unfortunately, it will probably be the latter.

      1. chickensmack

        No, no, no, fuck no. I don't need another "real 'merkun" from the frozen wasteland of Methalabska to tell me what's wrong in our heartland.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      He's going to try and catch on as Sarah's dopey sidekick. He'll be Sancho Panza to her Don Quixote, Doctor Watson to her Sherlock Holmes, Tonto to her Lone Ranger, Robin to her Batman, Chumley to her Tennessee Tuxedo.

        1. horsedreamer_1

          This would go along with a very special episode of Sarah Palin's Alaska!: "The Lone Ranger & Tonto Fist in Healy Lake".

      1. SorosBot

        Jazzy Jeff to her Fresh Prince, Oats to her Hall, Garfunkel to her Simon, Ringo to her Rest of the Beatles.

    3. Progressiveinga

      Has ABC contacted him about next season's Dancing w/ the Has-Beens? Just look what that show did for The Hammer and The Tucker, The Hoff and Big B-Palin. No brainer, srsly.

      1. SorosBot

        The Hoff's own reality show lasted a full three episodes before it was canceled; going on that dancing show is just the ultimate ticket to renewed fame and fortune.

  6. JustPixelz

    Palin's a kinda one-woman political death panel, isn't she? Sharron Angle, Christine O'Donnell, now Joe Miller. But we should thank her for putting the nail in McCain's coffin* back in '08.
    _____________________
    * metaphorically, though I'll bet she thought** about it literally.
    _____________________
    ** assuming she thinks in the first place

    1. CapeClod

      I think she also backed Carley Fiorina and the big foreheaded lady from Ebay in California, two other huge losers.

    2. horsedreamer_1

      Had WALNUTS! won, then "died" in office, it wouldn't have been the first time a VP killed the President.

      Looking at you, Millard Fillmore.

  7. Barbara_i

    Looks like this ass clown is going to have to go back to his server job at the Wasilla Casa Kielbasa. Buh Bye, Joe and take that little gay boy in the picture with you.

      1. Barbara_i

        I'm just calling a spade a spade. Let's meet in the middle and you hit it with a spade or we could just pray that she runs into one of those ice road truckers and slides under the rig, tasting her own arterial spray.

          1. Barbara_i

            If you want to lose that chubby REALLY fast just go to youtube and watch Rex Ryan's wife in their homemade foot fixation video. That shit needs more work than Mt Rushmore.

          2. chickensmack

            "Mind if I touch them again? Can I smell them?"

            Jesus, why did you show me that? AND RIGHT AT CHRISTMASTIME, TOO

          3. chickensmack

            I've directed plays in theatre before. With that "director's eye," I am more critical of movies, and the choices that directors make when choosing contextual shots, or lighting schemes. For YouTube, I can walk away from that "criticism" pretty cleanly.

            But for that video, all I could think of was his clammy-ass hand just making the camera slippery, every time she demurred to his "may I touch it?"

          4. Barbara_i

            I liked the way she had her feet outside the window like that. He should have approached her, assumed that her car broke down and offered to call a toe-truck. It would have to be a big one because her feet were HUGE! I thought it was Brett Farve there for a minute.

  8. mavenmaven

    Now that this teen is suing the USA, he's an enemy combatant and can be properly killed. I would bet Fox will make this argument.

  9. freakishlywrong

    Wonkett commenter freakishlywrong: Joe Miller is a huge loser, as the Mama Grizzly who endorsed him.

  10. Blendergoathead

    I'm sure Scalia, et al can find something in the REAL Constitution to remedy Miller's situation (in his favor, of course).

    "Surprise" SCOTUS intervention in 3… 2… 1…

  11. Serolf_Divad

    Looks like we've just polished off our last can of Miller Low Life.

    Buuurp.

    last time I'm buying that beverage.

  12. Come here a minute

    Note to Pakistani boy — evidence of the increased difficulty in making it to Taliban leadership conferences will not help your case.

    1. TanzbodenKoenig

      For more on the political circus blog-whoring and douchebaggery, check out…

      There, fixed that for you!

  13. HempDogbane

    Isn't that person in the photo next to Miller the actress who played the youngest sister on Petticoat Junction?

    "After Steve and Betty Jo married, they set up housekeeping in a cottage near the tracks between Hooterville and Pixley. A baby was added the following season. They moved back to the Shady Rest Hotel in the final year of production." (Wikipedia)

  14. nicnack74

    If we've learned anything from Republican candidates, the age of Fox propoganda, and the Tea party is that this guy will not disappear. He will draaag his 15 minutes to a half hour and translate his bullshit into a book, merchandising, and a PAC. Then he will be a pundit and run again. I truly hate the media sausage.

    1. HedonismBot

      You said basically the same thing I did, but about a minute earlier and I didn't see it. Great minds think alike. That is to say, great minds think.

  15. HedonismBot

    If Sarah Palin taught us anything, it is that defeat only makes these teabagging fools stronger. So Joe Miller will soon be elected (or divinely appointed) emperor of the universe. If Sarah Palin taught us anything else, it's that he will probably quit halfway through his term.

  16. RedneckMuslin

    Only in a red state would it take a supreme court declaration to make people realize this joke was a loser. We, here, knew that the first time he opened his mouth.

  17. V572625694

    So the CIA has decided leaking of "cables" might be a problem, and immediately — only a few months after it happened — assembled a group which labored mightily, perhaps for weeks, to name itself something everyone in the entire English-speaking world would laugh at. Carry on, spies! Failure is not an option, although requesting more funding to continue this important work probably is item 2 on the agenda.

    And regarding the picture: "veteran Joe Miller" has more experience at being Joe Miller than anyone else not named Joe Miller. This alone should have won the election.

  18. x111e7thst

    Clearly dumb Alaskan voters who wrote Leeza Meerkowski on their dumb Alaskan ballots were just making fun of the process, not attempting to indicate any sort of intent or preference. And this is why Joe the Miller wants Senators to be appointed, on Twitter, by Sarah Palin.

  19. Ducksworthy

    So what finally happened to Joe the Plumber? Did he get sucked down a toilet bowl somewhere? Or is he quiet and content now that his $250,000 income will not be taxed at the higher rate?

  20. bureaucrap

    Joe Miller will be back, next time with a bunch of truncheon-carrying brownshirts that salute on cue.

  21. weejee

    The CIA has launched many WTF operations. Back in the daze, they had us looking for VC submarines in the Mekong Delta where many of the hydra-like riverlettes were too shallow for successful snorkeling.

    1. ShaveTheWhales

      Ah, but your incessant vigilance kept them VC subs outta there, so CIA FTW, amirite?

      Also, camels.

  22. elviouslyqueer

    Hairy fraud? Riley, you're being far too nice, when something along the lines of Zvi_B's brilliant WALNUTS takedown, "morally corrupt, self-satisfied, duplicitous, calcified, arrogant diarrhea pouch," works just as well.

  23. prommie

    I guess he will go back to writing those joke collections, then?

    Everyone knows there is no such thing as a harmless Pakistani.

  24. xsluggo

    Anyone think Miller looks like Robert Downey Jr. in “Tropic of Thunder”? Except for the added 8 inches, of course.

  25. ttommyunger

    Nice shot there: a loser-queefer and a quitting-grifter. Coverage like this makes me wish a pretty blonde somewhere in the Lower 48 would get herself killed or kidnapped.

  26. DustBowlBlues

    That FB update in support of Miller that Sarah had spent all morning preparing could have made all the difference. But then Miller pissed off Todd by saying Bible Spice was too stoopid to be president. So Milller has only his own, ungrateful self to blame.

    I hope you're proud of yourself, Joe. Now go shave.

  27. PublicLuxury

    Hey Joe, This is what happens when you're an incompetent hack and have pissed anyone with any power in Alaska. Even the Todd, aka First Dude, hates you. Good luck finding a job, dingleballs.

  28. BarackMyWorld

    Will the WTF have an Office of Media Governance to keep their agents informed of regulations the government can enforce, or a Legal Office at Langley?

  29. mumbly_joe

    Completely OT, but apparently Rudy 9iu11iani and Tom Ridge and Mike Mukasey have decided it's not enough just to criticize the President while on foreign soil, during wartime (!!!), so now they've upped the ante by doing all of that, while also palling around with commie terrorists, in France.

    (No, literally; they are a Marxist-Leninist terror organization, formerly affiliated with Saddam Hussein, and, btw, are also kinda cultish, by most reports.)

    1. BarackMyWorld

      The Americans – former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani, former secretary of homeland security Tom Ridge, former White House homeland security adviser Frances Fragos Townsend and former attorney general Michael Mukasey – demanded that Obama instead take the controversial Mujaheddin-e Khalq (MEK) opposition group off the U.S. list of foreign terrorist organizations and incorporate it into efforts to overturn the mullah-led government in Tehran.

      This is good news for John McCain.

      1. SorosBot

        Hey, they're fighting the Iranian leadership, which makes everything they do perfectly OK; just like fighting Commies meant it was OK for Ecuador's regime to slaughter nuns and children, or the Contras to smuggle cocaine to America's cities.

  30. LetUsBray

    Like US America needs a reason to blow the legs off a 17-year old with flying death robots. For Freedom.

  31. ShaveTheWhales

    I just hope Joe the Almost-Beard goes looking for the "Additional Complaint Department" and finds the Hitting-on-the-Head Department instead.

Comments are closed.