Tom Coburn Slashes 9/11-Cancer Relief, Suddenly Has Evil Goatee

Just weeks after Joe Miller's stunning midterm loss, facial hair has finally returned to the Senate, as Tom Coburn has, heroically, suddenly grown the goatee ("Van Dyke") of Santa Claus' evil twin or whatever. And, powered by a churning gizzard full of holiday douchenog, he managed to single-handedly slash today's 9/11 first-responder health benefits bill from $7.4 billion in benefits and compensation to $1.5 for benefits and $2.7 for compensation. Plus, the fund will close forever in five years, so hurry up and get your 9/11-related cancer now, 9/11 guys!

Coburn's original objection was that the bill was too pricey -- though it was paid for by closing tax loopholes, which means that his real objection was that rich people were going to have to pay for non-rich people to have their illnesses treated. [...]

A bit of history: Coburn voted yes on exempting millionaires from the estate tax, and yes on tax cuts on capital gains and dividends, but he has been fighting fiercely to stop the government from paying for treatment for 9/11 first responders with cancer. (Un-fun fact: Coburn's a medical doctor and a cancer survivor himself!)

Quick! Somebody go to the Senate basement! The real, clean-shaven Tom Coburn is probably tied up down there, because that is certainly the only way such an evil man can be doing this in the Senate right now. Once we rescue him and put this goateed man in jail, 9/11 firefighters and police and EMS people can spend their Christmas enjoying ham with family rather than how they plan to spend it now, dying of cancer. [ Salon ]