the reason for the season

Tom Coburn Slashes 9/11-Cancer Relief, Suddenly Has Evil Goatee

Try To Forget
Just weeks after Joe Miller’s stunning midterm loss, facial hair has finally returned to the Senate, as Tom Coburn has, heroically, suddenly grown the goatee (“Van Dyke”) of Santa Claus’ evil twin or whatever. And, powered by a churning gizzard full of holiday douchenog, he managed to single-handedly slash today’s 9/11 first-responder health benefits bill from $7.4 billion in benefits and compensation to $1.5 for benefits and $2.7 for compensation. Plus, the fund will close forever in five years, so hurry up and get your 9/11-related cancer now, 9/11 guys!

Coburn’s original objection was that the bill was too pricey — though it was paid for by closing tax loopholes, which means that his real objection was that rich people were going to have to pay for non-rich people to have their illnesses treated. [...]

A bit of history: Coburn voted yes on exempting millionaires from the estate tax, and yes on tax cuts on capital gains and dividends, but he has been fighting fiercely to stop the government from paying for treatment for 9/11 first responders with cancer. (Un-fun fact: Coburn’s a medical doctor and a cancer survivor himself!)

Quick! Somebody go to the Senate basement! The real, clean-shaven Tom Coburn is probably tied up down there, because that is certainly the only way such an evil man can be doing this in the Senate right now. Once we rescue him and put this goateed man in jail, 9/11 firefighters and police and EMS people can spend their Christmas enjoying ham with family rather than how they plan to spend it now, dying of cancer. [Salon]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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107 comments

  1. chascates

    They used 9/11 as their mantra but they don't want to pay the cost of its clean-up.

    NO MORE 9/11s!! (I mean, no more invoking 9/11 as a political tool, you tools.)

  2. Bluestatelibel

    Or maybe it's Dick Cheney in disguise? Because this is something Dick Cheney would do, him being a dick and all.

  3. V572625694

    Bieber's chin-wrap is not quite correctly aligned. Nevertheless it will be a good look for him when he's old enough to grow it.

  4. Refudiation

    Obviously the Wonkette folks have been practicing their Blingee skills. When does the coffee table book come out?

    1. Beowoof

      Beat me to it and you are right, I would love to see him in prision with that on his face, cause I am pretty sure something else will be in his face.

  5. Steverino247

    Somebody's been giving evil thumbs because we've hurt their little feelings with our comments. Why doesn't the red thumb have a beard?

    1. Negropolis

      Texas ain't that bad. For such a large, conservative state, they don't make much noise in the Senate in terms of crazy. I can think of a handful of other states whose senators are more obnoxious.

  6. MadBrahms

    This new "Coburn", with his goatee, would gladly escort any survivors to therapy in his "agony booth"

  7. CapeClod

    You must visit New York sometime, Mr. Coburn, so the cops can set you on fire and firemen wouldn't piss on you to put it out.

    1. ttommyunger

      I would gladly piss on this squirrelly little cunt's grave when he dies, except I made a promise to myself when I got out of the Corps that I'd never stand in line again.

  8. LionelHutzEsq

    You know, Coburn might have a point. Let's simply cut everything related to 9/11 from the budget, and give all that money to the rich. That would make us into a good, Republican country.

  9. mumbly_joe

    Yeah, I mean, who could have possibly predicted that if Democrats folded on the tax cuts, that the very next words out of Republicans' mouths would be, "Nyah, nyah, now it's too expensive to do anything, because of all the deficits and debts and whatnots." I mean, there's really no way anybody anywhere, and especially not anyone with a Droopy Dog avatar, could have predicted this precise shift of the goalposts months and months ahead of time, or anything.

    Meh, I'm just going to wait for Sully to explain why this is secretly Obama playing SEVEN DIMENSIONAL CHESS or some shit, inbetween posts about smoking up, speculation about how hard Sarah Palin's going to win the GOP nomination, beards, and pictures of someone's windowsill in Bumblefuck, ND.

  10. weejee

    Tom is from Muskogee, and it would appear from his absence of good humor that like the song says, he don't smoke marijuana. As suggested by others previously, Coburn may be suffering from chronic constipation. Is there perhaps a first responder could fix that problem with a fire hose high colonic?

    1. ttommyunger

      In that event he would be sick all over. No, wait, that would be cancer of the asshole, No, wait…

  11. charlesdegoal

    The assumption that just because he's an MD and cancer survivor should cause him to side with the 9/11 firefighters or other poor schmucks misses the point. Most people are in it for themselves and don't care who's left behind, so long as it's not them. Just look at Bush, who survived imbecility and business failure: he never sided with the uneducated or the poor.

  12. charlesdegoal

    Only provided said fetuses contributed to his campaign or were otherwise friends of his. Don't ever bet on people like him having any ideology one way or the other.

  13. DogCooties

    It must be nice to have a seat so bulletproof you can do any goddamn thing you want, secure in the knowledge your constituents will never, ever vote for a Democrat.

  14. Extemporanus

    I'd like to take a moment to remind everyone that Senator Dr. Tom Coburn is an OBGYN with a BS in accounting. (Really.)

    With that in mind, the transformation of his face into an inexpensive portable practice vagina makes quite a bit more sense.

    1. Beowoof

      The BS in accounting explains his lack of peronality and the idea that he didn't go into medicine to help people but to profit. Still doesn't explain the prison pussy look.

    2. mumbly_joe

      In other words, if anyone is going to complain about a bill offering aid to cancer-sufferers, because, even though it's paid for by closing an existing tax loophole, it's "too expensive", we could clearly expect it to be this guy, who is the clearly last person on earth who would understand a)medicine or b) accounting.

  15. PublicLuxury

    Let's pass a law that forbids repiggies from getting ANY medical treatment for ANYTHING. I want to see the boil on Coburn's ass explode and infect his family. What a scum sucking bastard.

  16. PublicLuxury

    Maybe the 911 responders will not respond to his address. That puts it into perspecitve, heh Thom? Asswipe piece of shit infected hair.

  17. neiltheblaze

    I can't decide which role Coburn sucks more at: Senator, MD, Southern Baptist Deacon, or Accountant. He's like a evil cartoon version of all of those things.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      Au contraire. He is an excellent SB deacon. Seriously, the reason all this shit doesn't matter to him is that he expects to be raptured up any minute. (Hey, Bible fact: rapture is a term that doesn't appear, even in every fanatics favorite Revelation.)

  18. JoshuaNorton

    So how come one single Republican can get his own way, but the majority party Dems couldn't get diddly squat for 2 years? There must be a snarkier way of saying this, but it's really starting to piss me off.

    1. Blendergoathead

      Because: (a) The Dems are spineless fucktards; (b) The Dems are really on the GOP side and just go for largely meaningless, empty "victories" when they're backed up against the wall by the outrage of their constituents so they can say they're doing something; or (c) all the fucking above.

    2. deanbooth

      Given the rules of the Senate, couldn't Bernie Sanders block every Rep. bill for two years? Or he and Sherrod Brown could take turns. But maybe it's a Rep-only rule, 'cause I've never heard of a Dem blocking a bill.

      1. DustBowlBlues

        We're still burdened by people who aren't completely worthless human beings, like the greedy bastards on the other side. Greedy, power hungry dickwads on the other side.

    1. DustBowlBlues

      And wants to get paid for running a clinic in Oklahoma because he has to keep his license up. God forbid this big bag of steaming dog shit covered in cat piss would work at a free clinic in DC, like Frist did.

      Spooky Doktor Tom is one of the most horrible people in America, probably the world.

      1. Sue4466

        Yes, that too. He still managed to squeeze $2M away from these first responders. What a total bastard.

  19. ifthethunderdontgetya

    George Carlin said it best:

    And now they’re coming for your social security money.
    .
    They want your fucking retirement money; they want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. And you know something? They’ll get it. They’ll get it all from you sooner or later because they own this fucking place. It’s a big club and you ain’t in it!
    ~

    1. Beowoof

      George was prescient and told Americans they were stupid assholes for letting guys such as Coburn and the rest of the GOP get away with the crap they pull.

  20. LionelHutzEsq

    But in the case of Sen. Coburn, wouldn't the evil, goatee'd Sen. Coburn actually be nice, like Evil Cartman? Or is he even eviler…, and if so, how is that possible?

  21. fuflans

    who the hell is tom coburn pleasing with kind of horror? i mean this isn't a corporate gimme, there's no military involved, the anti-abortion lobby couldn't give a hoot about 9/11 and No Gay People are (officially) involved.

    cui bono?

    1. Jukesgrrl

      The vast majority of the first responders are UNION MEMBERS. Not to mention, many are also residents of Manhattan so might be afflicted by the ghey or general artiness. In any case, they are surely Communists for not being willing to throw their chips into the Tax Cuts for the Rich kitty.

  22. ttommyunger

    Triple threat motherfuckers make my ass tired. He plays up being a doctor when he's in Congress, plays up being a Shaman when he's doctoring and plays up being a Senator when he's angling for pussy. He's such a self-loathing little prick that without seventeen titles, he's just not important enough. He's so fucking wormy he probably wears his clothes out from the inside-out.

    1. Rarian Rakista

      I wouldn't be surprised if he poked his head out of my dog's asshole wearing a goatee with a hookworm mouth, maybe that's it, he is using he goatee to hide his mouth.

  23. Barbara_i

    That's not a goatee, that's what happens when you have too many face lifts. I'm guessing that his belly button is mid scalp right now.

  24. DustBowlBlues

    I knew that Spooky Doktor Tom (R-Douchebagistan) would show up on the wonket, in honor of his powerful anti-9/11 one-man stand. The facial hair is because he looks in the mirror and thinks, "what a handsome devil. Er, angel. "

    The most dangerous spot to stand is between SDT (like it? so do I) and a camera. His so-called principled stands are about nothing but getting attention. He's vile. I hate him. I hate him even more than Inhofe, who's just a standard bag of shit senator from an oil state. But Spooky Doktor Tom–he takes douchebaggery to a whole new level of vile, opportunistic self-obsession. And these dumb okies just love it.

  25. GodShammgod

    I thought the mirror universe mustachioed people were supposed to be opposites. So shouldn't mirror Tom Coburn *not* be a total douchenozzle?

  26. tribbzthesquidz

    He's his own little fuzzy death panel on legs. I wonder which insurance companies he's helping here because he's really giving it his 105%.

  27. lulzmonger

    Wow … fucking over IRL heros with terminal cancer. This guy has to look up to see whaleshit, he's so low. Someone's going to be sending out Xmas Cards to his constituents that say "12/22 – PLEASE FORGET."

  28. zhubajie

    Ah! A Southern Baptist deacon! He probably figures that wealth is God's favor and poverty, God's punishment. (Although it was the Devil who offered all the kingdoms of the world….)

  29. MilwaukeeKent

    Well, this is bizarre, but I may have figured out the mystery of Tom Coburn's beard. Departing Congressmen David Obey has kidnapped the real Senator Coburn and is holding him captive in a Motel 6 in Ashland, Wisconsin. Why a retiring Rep from Wisconsin would take the identity of a standing Senator from Oklahoma? Who knows, but here's "proof". Look at this photo and tell me it isn't so: http://www.usnews.com/usnews/images/issue/photos/

  30. Walkinwiddaking

    "A bit of history: Coburn voted yes on exempting millionaires from the estate tax, and yes on tax cuts on capital gains and dividends, but he has been fighting fiercely to stop the government from paying for treatment for 9/11 first responders with cancer. (Un-fun fact: Coburn’s a medical doctor and a cancer survivor himself!)"

    So, what"s your point?

  31. mrfawkes

    Coburn earned the Senate nickname Dr. No for his consistent refusals to pass any legislation. His new hirsute image may earn him a new moniker–Pussy Galore..

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