A sad new study makes that whole “DREAM Act” defeat a little more tragic: More than 80% of Americans trying to join the Army can’t meet the very low minimum requirements. The first 75% gets immediately disqualified “because they are physically unfit, have a criminal record or didn’t graduate high school.” That second pool is then given a very basic test — a question supposedly on the test is “If 2 plus x equals 4, what is the value of x?” And more than 23% flunk it. If the “DREAM Act” was basically a way to import some higher quality recruits for our doomed foreign wars, just as the Roman Empire had to eventually hire the barbarians to protect the frontiers from other barbarians, then the legislative defeat of that new policy probably means we can skip the centuries of pathetic decline and just go straight to hunting rats in the street, for Christmas presents.
Recruits must score at least a 31 out of 99 on the first stage of the three-hour test to get into the Army ….
A Department of Defense report notes the military must recruit about 15 percent of youth, but only one-third are eligible. More high school graduates are going to college than in earlier decades, and about one-fourth are obese, making them medically ineligible.
In 1980, by comparison, just 5 percent of youth were obese.
2010: Making motherfucking 1980 look good by comparison. [AP via Cryptogon]
{ 131 comments }
WTF? I thought basic training was supposed to get you into shape!
Yeah, and you don't need to know what a logarithm is to shoot foreigners in some godforsaken wasteland of a country. What gives?
I think basic training is for people who need to lose like 10-20 lbs, not those who need the Jaws of Life to leave their bedroom/casket.
Boot camp is only 10 weeks or so – not near enough time to make chicken salad out of chicken shit.
basic training will only get you from borderline morbidly obese, to the top limit of overweight.
Why would a fat person want to join the army anyway? I mean, they don't hide the fact that you have to run a lot and pull yourself up a wall with a rope and shit. I guess: fat, dumb person.
Why do you hate American Exceptionalism?
“because they are physically unfit, have a criminal record or didn’t graduate high school.”
WTF? When I was young, we were threatened with the Army if we WERE any of these things.
yes, some people had the choice of jail(for certain crimes) or army in my day(and my day was Vietnam). Of course, then people had the choice of army or jail- if you got the draft notice.
Soooo, we'll have to hire 'Nucks (like John Candy?) to keep the Mexicans out? This could work and would only cost us the price of a few Molsen tallboys.
An honest brew makes its own friends.
Say no to the Icebacks!
Great, and we can hire water from the Pacific Ocean to keep back the water from the Atlantic Ocean when the polar caps melt.
“because they are physically unfit, have a criminal record or didn’t graduate high school.”
And Refucklicans tell us that they outnumber us in the U.S. of America Military. 75% of them can't even qualify.
From what I understand these policies have a distinct effect of excluding more Republicans (fat for America) than Democrats (fat for Europe), at least that is what my friend in the marines has told me. The brass is actually worried that something like 40% of the US army is now Democrat, compared to like 20% in the 1990's.
Somebody has to stay at home and run the death camps.
Not if they have to run after us.
Exactly. They've got to catch us, first.
I thought the Army started allowing felons and high school dropouts in as cannon fodder for our two current misadventures… It was my understanding that allowing the uneducated and criminally insane in the military was (A) smart policy because they will shoot damn near anything; and (B) the only way to keep those recruitment numbers up in the "all volunteer" military…
They still have to at least get a GED; which your average house cat could get, but not some of our moron-American population.
GED is actually pretty hard to get in some states. As someone who tutors Adults at a community college for GEDs, unless you can do Trig and Quadratic Functions you aren't getting a GED in my state.
What does the Army have against American Expansion?
And twenty years from now, we'll have a fresh crop of fat fuck chickenhawks who want to send your kids off to die in the sand while claiming their own lack of service was entirely due to "medical" ineligibility.
Yup, the hypocritical fat fuckers will always be with us. I think that is part of the Speech on the Mount- after the meek will inherit the earth.
my own personal lack of service was entirely due to an inability to not get high day and night.
Fuck. Now I can't get Newt's fat face and girly voice outta my head.
Could be worse, it could be Turd Blossom's fetid features haunting your consciousness.
Just imagine him between your thighs, see, all better.
Somehow, some way, Sarah Palin is going to insist that this is Michelle Obama's fault.
Eating s'mores, the Palin way to avoid the draft.
How can you have any pudding if you don't hunt, shoot and kill yer meat, from a helicopter?
All we are… is another bun… in Bristol's oven.
This makes me sad. But not sad enough to put down the last of this bag of apple fritters. nom-nom-nom…
I'm middle-aged with a spare tire and no criminal record. Can I be a general? Or drive a tank? Anything awesome would be fine.
Right idea, wrong country; North Korea would be a better bet.
Only 3 people in North Korea have a spare tire. For one of those people it is an actual tire, on fire, around their neck.
Around their neck…
It is called necklacing.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Necklacing
The Army needs to give more of these kids a chance. Private Pyle was a fat ass when he enrolled and look how he turned out.
"LEMME SEE YOUR WAR CRY!"
"nom nom nom"
Okay, America's new Warrior Class won't shoot their enemies, they'll spay them down with chocolate syrup and devour them.
Yeah. Dead. Just cutting out the middle man.
A skinny homosexual? Not that there's anything wrong with that.
An army with 80% more fatties has loads of possibilities! –fart bombs, killing the enemy by simply sitting on them, etc.
Win. This one made me laugh out loud.
Can we use these fat stupid kids as bombs?
What do you mean "go straight to hunting rats"? Did I need a license before?
You're in trouble now!
No – it means gay folks can't do it.
Every grinder needs meat.
and the fatties are extra prime meat!
Well, then, the repeal of DADT should help, 'cause who ever heard of a fat, uneducated gay man?
I'm with Ken: time to recruit as many Gauls as possible.
Boudicca!
He said Gauls, not Celts.
Sorry…my bad. I still like Boudicca though
What if the French don't want to join?
The Pentagon has done some research on this, and if all Gauls turn out to be like that Asterix fellow the war should be over soon.
Haven't been any galls in America's military since the Seventh Cavalry cornered Sitting Bull.
Go Vandals!
Now the pump don't work.
Silly, the Frogs don't fight.
Hiring barbarians sound cheaper and easier. What possibly could go wrong?
No Child Left Behind seems to have left some children behind, where they ate a shit load of Cool Ranch Doritos.
Sorry, Zvi. The page fold was such that when I read your message it seemed to say, "No Child Left Behind seems to have left some children behind, where they ate shit."
Which is actually a pretty fair guess, now I look at it.
No Child's Behind Left.
Soon the only Americans eligible to serve will be naked PETA chicks body-painted like tigers.
that's strangely arousing, I must say
That's the kind of army I can get behind, b'God!
And the robots. Our American Robot-Citizens wouldn't fail the test, would they? Predator drones know, like, trigonometry and shit.
They are accurate to within eighteen feet only, due to a coding error corroding their rusty innards.
No shit.
I mean, "Oh Shit!"
And we'll get into wars -constantly- as lonely armies want to check us out.
Well there's your problem, right there: you're disqualifying everyone except the kids who are smart enough to realize that they don't really want be anywhere fucking near the U.S. Army while we're stuck in this dual Iraq/Afghanistan clusterfuck.
With the repeal of DADT the entrance exam will be even harder, including having to color coordinate a NYC apartment.
Most members of the Armed Forces work in offices, warehouses, garages etc. I don't see obesity as being much of a barrier there, though being dumber than dirt might be a problem. Maybe we just need a separate test for the small minority that of the Armed Services that will actually be armed. Or something.
Obesity is more of a health problem than anything else, I suspect.
Due to supersizing, friendly fire will more frequently find its target.
Due to more fat talities being inflicted by "insurgents," upgrading to tactical nukes will start sooner.
But, but, but I kick ass at Call of Duty: Black Ops!!!
Prob'ly 3 question multiple choice, so they haz to score 2 less that you'd expect to get right by random selection.
Perhaps "robot army" is closer than we think.
Why don't we just clone one badass fighter, like, several million times. What could possibly go wrong?
As a mechanical engineer and roboticist, I nod.
Saudis used to hire us to fight their wars. Now we have to hire somebody to fight ours. There's a lesson here, somewhere, and I'll figure it out right after I find the scissors to cut open a 28-ounce bag of Cheetos, and fight with the twist-off cap on a 48-ounce jug of Diet Coke¹, to neutralize the Cheetos.
___________
¹Now 20 percent more Robot Sweat®!
Damn, V102983028310241028302198. No wonder you have more pees than I do.
Ironically, being a dumb obese criminal is practically a requirement to be a Republican Congressman.
But, what about those "young" guns?
Yeah, obese, they're not; the other, you betcha!
Or NJ Governor. Mississippi also.
I am now following you. While staring at your fucking profile, trying to make it go away, I laughed at your goal. So there you are. Merry Fucking Xmas. You're welcome.
Merry Fucking Xmas to you too. Happy Friggin' New Year also.
I've posted about it before and I'm going to do it again: we need to militarize those scooters. Stick a few missile launchers on the side (I'm thinking "Space Mutiny" style) and the enemy will run in terror (though, granted, they wouldn't need to run very fast).
Blast Hardcheese reporting for duty!
Buff Drinklots!
X equals Christ, right? It's also how these kids make their mark on forms that require a signature.
Anyway, this should come as no surprise, since 80% of all american kids are obese criminals. Have any of you seen your friends' kids pics on facebook? They are ALL the fat kid now.
Who is left to pick on them, who?
Anyone who doesn't wheeze after a single flight of steps automatically becomes the school's designated bully.
Revenge of the 97 pound weaklings.
the new peace activist strategy– eating our way out of fighting. Has a certain delicious karma.
You need to be in shape to fly drones from a comfy chair in Bumfuck, USA?
What if they gave an all-you-can-eat-buffet and nobody came?
How come the military is so popular in the South when, according to this article, most Southerners don't qualify for the military? I mean, the South is famous for extremely fattening food, obesity, lassitude, petty criminality, drinking, inbreeding, and studied ignorance, exactly the qualities the military won't accept anymore.
I'm pretty sure my fat ass can pilot a wedding sniping drone. How much different is it than a TiVO?
So sadly true it's sick and funny, all at the same time. Except, you have more pees than me. Now I wish I hadn't given you a response.
Let's do what the Galactic Republic did and hire clone troopers. What could go wrong?
We'd probably get fat clones.
Strange that, while our military is involved in a war with no end in sight, no clear purpose since we let Bin Laden get away, and which is sending back a bunch of permanently disabled, PTSD-scarred vets, not many smart kids want to enlist.
Why does the military hate 'Merika so much?
It's obvious that x=(5*5+3-26).
Show off. Your draft card is in the mail.
Not to be nosy, Josh, but INQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW – clearly you are either fat or a criminal. Which is it?
It seriously can't be too hard. Rural America is prime recruiting area, because, with all the bonuses and shit, the country kids join because of the great pay. Truism: the poor will always be the ones who fight our wars.
On the other hand, when they get a 10K bonus for reupping, it's great for the sale of big trucks. You have no idea how many people around here drive a truck that cost way more than the (trailer) house they live in.
That's too bad, because these fatties would just love the video game reality of today's military.
They would, however, hate the fact that there's no "Pause" or "Reset."
And getting those extra lives requires conversion to a new religion.
They got a lot of damn nerve! I mean… I mean… I mean… You've got these kids sittin' on the bench – on the Group W bench – because you want to know if they're moral enough to join the Army, burn women, kids, houses and villages after being a lard-ass.
I am sick of this indictment of U.S. Americans as morbidly obese & in that, some aberration not recorded in prior centuries, in other locations.
Just get a load of this Englishman: http://alehousepubquiz.blogspot.com/2010/12/artic...
Bloke fought a bear. A bear!
"In 1980, by comparison, just 5 percent of youth were obese."
To be fair, coke/crack probably played a large part in that.
Hey–that must be another reason rural white youth are prime recruiting fodder. Ever see a fat meth addict?
When did testing get so tough? When I joined the army, the only thing they questioned me on was if I liked girls. I'm assuming this was a weaselly attempt to get around DADT.
The US of A. Where the bombs are smarter than the electorate.
HA, got both questions correct! Oh, wait a minute…
Yet, if Barry, Michelle or Congress try to initiate healthy alternatives, the right screams about a "Nanny State" or "Government Micro-Managing" or "Government Intrusion". My solution: bring back the Draft. The wars would shut down, too.
Good thing we just canned DADT — buff surfer models should be beating down the recruiters' doors any day now.
As long as in the end we get a hot chick with boobs that inflate.
Or that Kyle guy. He was hot. Long ago. Probably too fat to join the army, now.
So they're offering little money, a possible one way ticket to Big Sandy to blow up the locals (or unfortunately BE blown up by the locals) and all the abuse you can handle and more. Then they whine when the only people applying for it are fat or stupid or have rap sheets a mile long? Maybe back in the days when we weren't in perpetual war on terr' they might have been able to attract halfway intelligent people betting on not becoming cannon fodder. But when (even though there isn't much national coverage) the news reports some poor kid coming home in a box, blown up by some half-assed IED, or your former high school friend comes home fighting demons for the rest of their life, it's a pretty hard sell.
These American kids just swallow a lot of aggression. Along with a lot of pizzas.
I miss John Candy.
I just want to see if I've gotten to the magical 69p
I usually don't bother reading the byline on "my" wonkette, but as soon as I read the line "chasing down rats" I recognized Ken Layne's prose. Without the wonket, I would have no relief at all from Grandma's candy kitchen (that's me–on my way to getting obese) and arranging perfectly wrapped gifts around the ten foot Xmas (real) tree.
If a person doesn't gag on the Xmas sacharine (and I'm not just talking about the fudge–that's real sugar) then there must something really wrong with that person. Or really boring.
I have an idea. When you get drafted and you are too fat to qualify, you get 8 months of fat camp and then basic training. Two problems solved at once.
You mean my generation could have avoided being murdered in a Southeast Asian village by eating instead of going to Canada?
They don't want dumb, obese criminals? No wonder Pugsly Limbaugh didn't serve.
Please have snow
and mistletoe
and rats
under
the tree.
Yes, and I'm betting it hurts, al lot.
Comments on this entry are closed.