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Fox News Finally Declares a ‘Holocaust Winner’

Book learnin'!
Those Nazis made it close for a while, but in the end, it couldn’t have gone to a better guy.

Wait, this happened during Fox and Friends, America’s number-one journalism source? Well, if anyone knows the Holocaust, it’s they. And they call it straight. BALLS AND STRIKES. They declare the winner at the 0:38 mark:

Stop exasperating Elie Wiesel! He’s been through enough. [Outside the Beltway]

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Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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  1. V572625694

    Surprised Fox admits there was a Holocaust. The fair and balanced thing to do, at a minimum, would be to have Holocaust denier on there to give the opposing viewpoint. He could appear over a chyron saying "Holocaust Loser."

    1. Sue4466

      She also included Hanukah and "holidays" in her greeting. Apparently she's a double agent in the War on Christmas ™.

      1. chicken_thief

        Slightly off topic, but speaking of Gretchen (if that's her name)… why they have to crank the heat up so high on that set? That skin tight sweater would have been the perfect medium to showcase her Miss America class nips…

  2. donner_froh

    I would say that Elie Wiesel should stick to hunting escaped Nazi war criminals–there must be a few of them left–and skip the TV news business, but that would make me a bad person so I won't.

  3. JustPixelz

    Obama/Hitler should take note that Wiesel cannot be defeated. And the Health Care Reform Holocaust the TP'ers predicted is doomed to a mere "participant" medal.

  4. freakishlywrong

    Too bad he didn't bring the illegal detainees at GITMO, we'd of been treated to the site of staff at Fux picking up tiny little shards of what would have been left of Gretch's head.

    1. mavenmaven

      Her and millions of unfortunate others. We are all Holocaust losers, other than some of the companies that profited off the war.

      1. V572625694

        Some things never die:

        Due to the severity of the war crimes committed by IG Farben during World War II, the company was considered to be too corrupt to be allowed to continue to exist. The Western Allies in 1951, split the company up into its original constituent companies. The four largest quickly bought the smaller ones. Today only Agfa, BASF, and Bayer remain, Hoechst having in 1999 demerged its industrial chemical operations to Celanese AG and merged its life-sciences businesses with Rhône-Poulenc's to form Aventis. Part of Hoechst was afterwards Celanese AG, while another part of the company was sold in 1997 to the chemical spin-off of Sandoz, the Muttenz (Switzerland) based Clariant.

        IG Farben was officially put into liquidation in 1952, but this does not mean the company ceased to exist as a legal entity; up to today, it is still in existence as a corporation "in liquidation", meaning that the purpose of the continuing existence of the corporation is being wound up and dissolved orderly. As of 2010, its shares are still traded on German markets

  5. GregComlish

    Wiesel didn't win the entire Holocaust. He just won the indivual achievement award for Best Art Direction and Best Adapted Screenplay.

  6. edgydrifter

    Spoiler Alert: this is the audience price for Oprah's final show.
    You win a Holocaust! You win a Holocaust! You and you and you! Everybody wins a Holocaust!

    1. deelzebub

      You kid, but after a couple more failed diets, she could snap and go Bond villain on us. A hungry unstable Oprah would not be a benevolent overlord.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      Yes they did in the beginning, but the winners wore them as belts, so they stopped later on in the games.

        1. Negropolis

          Them's some ugly brothers. But, when you consider where they are from, you understand the high statistical chance of them being such.

  7. SorosBot

    So now that we know who won the Holocaust, will Fox tell us who won slavery? My guess would be either Sojourner Truth or Frederick Douglass.

      1. Failure_Artist

        Plus all the slaves ended up in de-facto slavery as sharecroppers, prison laborers, and underpaid servants. Hurray for the Reconstruction!

    1. Negropolis

      The modern-day Republicans won slavery and the party never realigned. That's their lie, and they are sticking to it.

  8. Sue4466

    With apologies to everyone here, I don't know that there's anything that can be said that's funnier than that caption.

    1. prommie

      True, really, its sad, but so fucking funny, I am laughing so hard, tears are running down my face, as I simultaneously bash my head repeatedly into a wall. For some reason, these are the two responses I just felt were appropriate, laughing hysterically and bashing my head against a wall.

    2. LionelHutzEsq

      I'm sure that John Ellis was pacing back in forth waiting for a call from Jeb Bush before they called it for Wiesel.

      1. vulpes82

        Oh I went there! But, you know, I did tell him NOT to go to the showers! It's not like I was suggesting Elie Wiesel be gassed.

  9. bflrtsplk

    They never showed a leader board, so you could, uh, root for your favorite while getting pleasantly smashed for Holocaust Sunday.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      I'm making a running list of those going to Hell over this piece:

      OK, so far it's vulpes82, guangho..

      1. vulpes82

        I'm sitting here listening to Dean Martin sing "Silver Bells" for about the seventieth time this month. I'm already in hell, bub.

        1. StillGoinGreen

          Thank the heavenly Lord Father God and all that is holy that most who like him are either dead or dying!! I have a girl here in my office that has listened to him, Bing and Elvis xmas songs for two fucking weeks now! If she worked for me and not my business partner, I would have already fired her!!

  10. SayItWithWookies

    Now Weisel goes up against Alexandr Solzhenitsyn, collectivization winner, and apartheid winner Nelson Mandela for the 20th Century Atrocities Cup.

  11. 4tehlulz_lite

    Man, Politico must be pissed. Winning the morning doesn't really compete with winning the Holocaust.

  12. PsycWench

    They only made this announcement to steal the thunder from the U.Conn women's basketball team, who set a winning streak record yesterday.

  13. jodyleek

    I'd like to buy some Holocaust gear to wear while I cheer on old Elie here but the jerseys really suck!

  14. Groupshrug

    Wait. Did he win THE holocaust; or did he WIN a holocaust?

    Because if FOX News made this guy the winner of a contest in which the prize is receiving a holocaust, that would just be fucked up.

    How do they determine a prize value for something like that, you know for taxes?

  15. ttommyunger

    Spoiler Alert: the Fox Christmas Special will celebrate the Baby Jeebus Winning Christmas. Bill-O will be the presenter and Glenn Beck will M/C. For special music, a duet by Rush Limpbaugh and Bill Kristol singing their patented version of "Away in a Boxcar". Pat Buchanan will be Sgt. at Arms and will appear in uniform for the occasion, including his trusty Luger. There will be a surprise appearance by Sarah Palin; scooter trash Nationwide will be hoping and praying she will finally show us her tits. "Gott Mitt Uns" One and All!

    1. finallyhappy

      Speaking of weepy Glenn- today I saw literally 100 geese flying in V formations on Rockville Pike- It must mean God loves the Pike or the stores there.

    1. mrblifil

      I stated almost exactly that thought about 10 comments down, nearly worded precisely to the letter. I deleted it and shall commence the nightly blood poisoning forthwith.

  16. Not_So_Much

    Well, Fox being Fox, one could assume they were going for 'Holocaust Whiner', but had another typo…

  17. Redhead

    Wiesel single-handedly defeated Hitler with his novels, proving once and for all that the pen is mightier than the sword.

    Except that studies have proven that 78.53% of Fox News viewers are functionally illiterate. Might explain why we go bomb the shit out of everything and everyone.

  18. Tundra Grifter

    I don't know why Wonkette is making such a big deal out of another ClusterFox crawl typo.

    It's obvious this was awarded by Pat Buchanan and it's obvious the word they were striving for is "Whiner."

  19. PublicLuxury

    Fox and Fiends new segment, "Anchors I'd Like to Fuck," will begin right after they declare a winner in the War on Terror.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      "Push For Human Rights During Holiday [War on Christmas! Even if he is Jewish] Season" Yeh, right, like we didn't already have enough to do this time of year.

      Just like that whole gay people in the US Military thing – what's the rush? Just why do we have to deal with this NOW?

  20. jim89048

    When I saw the headline, I thought it meant that Eli was the last Holocaust survivor. Because in the end, there can be only one.

  21. Negropolis

    The Jews win everything, don't they? Plus, they own everything in the world, and start all of its wars!

    Wait, what?

  22. Negropolis

    BTW, this entire thread is going to Christian Hell. It will be promptly and kindly greeted by Hell's host Richard M. Nixon and his dog Checkers. Oh, and Henry Ford and Charles Lindbergh. Also.

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