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Fox News Finally Declares a ‘Holocaust Winner’

Book learnin'!
Those Nazis made it close for a while, but in the end, it couldn’t have gone to a better guy.

Wait, this happened during Fox and Friends, America’s number-one journalism source? Well, if anyone knows the Holocaust, it’s they. And they call it straight. BALLS AND STRIKES. They declare the winner at the 0:38 mark:

Stop exasperating Elie Wiesel! He’s been through enough. [Outside the Beltway]

About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

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Comments

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  • StillGoinGreen

    Good thing he won the Holocaust or he would have never survived the Nobel Peace Prize!!

    • Crank_Tango

      at least they didn't call him "Fabio."

      • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

        The Tribe has spoken.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Didn't see that one coming.

  • Buzz Feedback

    Vertical stripes can be very flattering.

  • V572625694

    Surprised Fox admits there was a Holocaust. The fair and balanced thing to do, at a minimum, would be to have Holocaust denier on there to give the opposing viewpoint. He could appear over a chyron saying "Holocaust Loser."

    • Sue4466

      She also included Hanukah and "holidays" in her greeting. Apparently she's a double agent in the War on Christmas ™.

      • chicken_thief

        Slightly off topic, but speaking of Gretchen (if that's her name)… why they have to crank the heat up so high on that set? That skin tight sweater would have been the perfect medium to showcase her Miss America class nips…

        • V572625694

          Never OT. Links, por favor.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ donner_froh

    I would say that Elie Wiesel should stick to hunting escaped Nazi war criminals–there must be a few of them left–and skip the TV news business, but that would make me a bad person so I won't.

    • chicken_thief

      I cain't unnerstand a word that fuckin weasel said – why don't he learn to speak 'Mericun?!

  • elviouslyqueer

    And now that he's won the Holocaust, he's GOING TO DISNEYLAND!

    • PhilippePetain

      Because as we all know, no fascists have anything to do with Disneyland.

    • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

      Walt may raise up out of the grave to greet him.

  • JustPixelz

    Obama/Hitler should take note that Wiesel cannot be defeated. And the Health Care Reform Holocaust the TP'ers predicted is doomed to a mere "participant" medal.

  • freakishlywrong

    Too bad he didn't bring the illegal detainees at GITMO, we'd of been treated to the site of staff at Fux picking up tiny little shards of what would have been left of Gretch's head.

  • SecretMuslin

    I suppose this makes Anne Frank a Holocaust loser…

    • mavenmaven

      Her and millions of unfortunate others. We are all Holocaust losers, other than some of the companies that profited off the war.

      • V572625694

        Some things never die:

        Due to the severity of the war crimes committed by IG Farben during World War II, the company was considered to be too corrupt to be allowed to continue to exist. The Western Allies in 1951, split the company up into its original constituent companies. The four largest quickly bought the smaller ones. Today only Agfa, BASF, and Bayer remain, Hoechst having in 1999 demerged its industrial chemical operations to Celanese AG and merged its life-sciences businesses with Rhône-Poulenc's to form Aventis. Part of Hoechst was afterwards Celanese AG, while another part of the company was sold in 1997 to the chemical spin-off of Sandoz, the Muttenz (Switzerland) based Clariant.

        IG Farben was officially put into liquidation in 1952, but this does not mean the company ceased to exist as a legal entity; up to today, it is still in existence as a corporation "in liquidation", meaning that the purpose of the continuing existence of the corporation is being wound up and dissolved orderly. As of 2010, its shares are still traded on German markets

        • LocalGirlMakesGoo

          Wasn't IBM part of IG Farben?

      • StillGoinGreen

        Like Time Life Magazine.

  • GregComlish

    Wiesel didn't win the entire Holocaust. He just won the indivual achievement award for Best Art Direction and Best Adapted Screenplay.

    • RedneckMuslin

      Wasn't he in that movie….?

  • edgydrifter

    Spoiler Alert: this is the audience price for Oprah's final show.
    You win a Holocaust! You win a Holocaust! You and you and you! Everybody wins a Holocaust!

    • deelzebub

      You kid, but after a couple more failed diets, she could snap and go Bond villain on us. A hungry unstable Oprah would not be a benevolent overlord.

      • http://fontofliberty.blogspot.com/ Rarian Rakista

        She looks like she needs a Dildo missile shot at her.

  • metamarcisf

    I didn't know they gave out rings at the holocaust.

    • vulpes82

      Yeah, Jesse Owens won one, but Hitler wouldn't give it to him.

    • StillGoinGreen

      Yes they did in the beginning, but the winners wore them as belts, so they stopped later on in the games.

    • nappyduggs

      Do NOT ask where they got the gold, it is an awful story.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        It's a crematory and a smelter, two great things that go great together. Ugh, I feel like Nielist now.

  • bitchincamaro2

    Free Bradley Manning! Too bad he's not Jewish.

    • StillGoinGreen

      And Eli Manning. Also.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        Neither Payton or Eli come free of charge.

        • Negropolis

          Them's some ugly brothers. But, when you consider where they are from, you understand the high statistical chance of them being such.

  • SorosBot

    So now that we know who won the Holocaust, will Fox tell us who won slavery? My guess would be either Sojourner Truth or Frederick Douglass.

    • mavenmaven

      The South, of course, their tourist reenactments and their States Rights commemorations.

      • Failure_Artist

        Plus all the slaves ended up in de-facto slavery as sharecroppers, prison laborers, and underpaid servants. Hurray for the Reconstruction!

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Well, we know that Martin Luther King Jr. didn't win civil rights.

    • SayItWithWookies

      Haha — wrong. It's Michael Steele, Party of Lincoln.

    • Negropolis

      The modern-day Republicans won slavery and the party never realigned. That's their lie, and they are sticking to it.

  • JoeMamased

    Won the Holocaust? Pah, I won the Internets!

  • Sue4466

    With apologies to everyone here, I don't know that there's anything that can be said that's funnier than that caption.

    • prommie

      True, really, its sad, but so fucking funny, I am laughing so hard, tears are running down my face, as I simultaneously bash my head repeatedly into a wall. For some reason, these are the two responses I just felt were appropriate, laughing hysterically and bashing my head against a wall.

      • Sue4466

        You've described my reaction perfectly. I can't stop laughing, but it's so wrong on so many levels.

    • LionelHutzEsq

      I'm sure that John Ellis was pacing back in forth waiting for a call from Jeb Bush before they called it for Wiesel.

  • vulpes82

    Great job, Elie! Just don't head for the showers!

    • GunTotingProgressive

      So wrong. Funny as fuck, but SOOOOOO wrong…

    • StillGoinGreen

      You just made me gasp and say, "OH NO HE DI INT Just go there!"

      • vulpes82

        Oh I went there! But, you know, I did tell him NOT to go to the showers! It's not like I was suggesting Elie Wiesel be gassed.

  • bflrtsplk

    They never showed a leader board, so you could, uh, root for your favorite while getting pleasantly smashed for Holocaust Sunday.

  • Serolf_Divad

    I believe he's also a Nobel Prize Survivor.

    • http://wonkette.com Zvi_Bleindmeis

      I wonder how Elie is at the Cha-cha-cha?

  • Laughitoff22

    I'm not so surprised. Why just last week, didn't they announce Nelson Mandela Apartheid Runner-up?

    • horsedreamer_1

      I think AIDS won Apartheid.

      & pretty much everything else in South Africa.

    • SorosBot

      Yes, and I think Gloria Steinem and Jane Fonda are about to compete for the title bout of feminism.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    In the end, though, with the Holocaust, were we not all winners?

  • guangho

    Pat Buchanan was on hand to award Mr. Wiesel the prize: A toaster oven.

    • StillGoinGreen

      I'm making a running list of those going to Hell over this piece:

      OK, so far it's vulpes82, guangho..

      • guangho

        You know I'm right. Or would be if Pattycake knew what a toaster oven was.

      • vulpes82

        I'm sitting here listening to Dean Martin sing "Silver Bells" for about the seventieth time this month. I'm already in hell, bub.

        • StillGoinGreen

          Thank the heavenly Lord Father God and all that is holy that most who like him are either dead or dying!! I have a girl here in my office that has listened to him, Bing and Elvis xmas songs for two fucking weeks now! If she worked for me and not my business partner, I would have already fired her!!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Now that we have that out of the way, what are the odds on Palin winning the impending Apocalypse?

  • V572625694

    They're depressed about this over at POLITICO, as it makes winning the afternoon seem kinda tame.

  • chicken_thief

    FREE SAKINEH!!!

  • CapeClod

    And he won it with 169% of the vote.

  • Kidneys4Sale

    How did this take so long? Was he playing against Joe Miller or Norm Coleman or some shit?

  • Oblios_Cap

    Now maybe they'll finally invite him to host Saturday Night Live!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Now Weisel goes up against Alexandr Solzhenitsyn, collectivization winner, and apartheid winner Nelson Mandela for the 20th Century Atrocities Cup.

    • V572625694

      With Michael Moore a distant 4th.

    • Gainsbourg69

      Brought to you by Heineken.

  • Oblios_Cap

    "Holiday Season"?!?!? FOX has lost the war on Xmas!

  • 4tehlulz_lite

    Man, Politico must be pissed. Winning the morning doesn't really compete with winning the Holocaust.

  • PsycWench

    They only made this announcement to steal the thunder from the U.Conn women's basketball team, who set a winning streak record yesterday.

  • themcwow

    Fox and Friends, a Fassbinder film, right?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "A hollow victory."

    —Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

  • jodyleek

    I'd like to buy some Holocaust gear to wear while I cheer on old Elie here but the jerseys really suck!

    • Moleman_v3

      Now if we had a Holocaust cloak, THAT would be something.

      • jodyleek

        You get to wear the green cloak when you win the Masters Holocaust.

      • arcane_allusion

        I'd settle for an alive Andre the Giant

  • Groupshrug

    Wait. Did he win THE holocaust; or did he WIN a holocaust?

    Because if FOX News made this guy the winner of a contest in which the prize is receiving a holocaust, that would just be fucked up.

    How do they determine a prize value for something like that, you know for taxes?

  • ttommyunger

    Spoiler Alert: the Fox Christmas Special will celebrate the Baby Jeebus Winning Christmas. Bill-O will be the presenter and Glenn Beck will M/C. For special music, a duet by Rush Limpbaugh and Bill Kristol singing their patented version of "Away in a Boxcar". Pat Buchanan will be Sgt. at Arms and will appear in uniform for the occasion, including his trusty Luger. There will be a surprise appearance by Sarah Palin; scooter trash Nationwide will be hoping and praying she will finally show us her tits. "Gott Mitt Uns" One and All!

    • finallyhappy

      Speaking of weepy Glenn- today I saw literally 100 geese flying in V formations on Rockville Pike- It must mean God loves the Pike or the stores there.

      • ttommyunger

        Prolly a “V” FOR VICTORY over the evil libruls.

  • http://www.marionstein.net MarionNYNY

    It's actually another one of their comical typos. They meant: Holocaust whiner.

    • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

      I stated almost exactly that thought about 10 comments down, nearly worded precisely to the letter. I deleted it and shall commence the nightly blood poisoning forthwith.

      • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

        Tonight's blood poisoning brought to you by Sam Adams Infinium.

  • Not_So_Much

    Well, Fox being Fox, one could assume they were going for 'Holocaust Whiner', but had another typo…

  • Redhead

    Wiesel single-handedly defeated Hitler with his novels, proving once and for all that the pen is mightier than the sword.

    Except that studies have proven that 78.53% of Fox News viewers are functionally illiterate. Might explain why we go bomb the shit out of everything and everyone.

  • Radiotherapy

    Big mistake. Everyone knows the hippies won the Holocaust.

  • SorosBot

    I thought Don Cheadle was robbed when he didn't win the Rawandan Tutsi genocide.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I don't know why Wonkette is making such a big deal out of another ClusterFox crawl typo.

    It's obvious this was awarded by Pat Buchanan and it's obvious the word they were striving for is "Whiner."

  • prommie

    Its too bad we're stil losing the Crusades.

  • PublicLuxury

    Fox and Fiends new segment, "Anchors I'd Like to Fuck," will begin right after they declare a winner in the War on Terror.

  • problemwithcaring

    Hey – better than being mislabled a Republican, amirite?

  • mavenmaven

    I believe the award presenter for that category was Mel Gibson.

  • Extemporanus

    Of course he won the Holocaust — he had the winning numbers hidden up his sleeve.

    • guangho

      *dies*
      from shame and laughter.

    • StillGoinGreen

      OK, now it's vulpes82, guangho, Extemporanus…

      • finallyhappy

        And they might be going in a day or two.

    • Steverino247

      I'm surprised it took this long for that old joke to pop out.

  • gef05

    "Push For Human Rights During Holiday Season"

    For the rest of the year, kids, you're on your own.

    • Tundra Grifter

      "Push For Human Rights During Holiday [War on Christmas! Even if he is Jewish] Season" Yeh, right, like we didn't already have enough to do this time of year.

      Just like that whole gay people in the US Military thing – what's the rush? Just why do we have to deal with this NOW?

  • MissTaken

    Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!

  • mookwrthwilson

    Unfortunately it was pork flavored…

  • ginrevolution

    you win some you lose some.

  • Grief_Lessons

    Aren't you the Indian of the group?

  • SudsMcKenzie

    That was quicker than the Cubs.

  • jim89048

    When I saw the headline, I thought it meant that Eli was the last Holocaust survivor. Because in the end, there can be only one.

  • nappyduggs

    But, where is his Weagle?

    WHEEEEERRRRRE?!111!?XYZ

  • http://strangestoriesaboutsadpeople.blogspot.com/ Thedongsofwar

    Its about time!

  • BarackMyWorld

    A WINNER IS JEW!

  • PuckStopsHere

    When's the Victory Parade?

  • ginrevolution

    you win some, you lose some.

  • Negropolis

    The Jews win everything, don't they? Plus, they own everything in the world, and start all of its wars!

    Wait, what?

  • Negropolis

    BTW, this entire thread is going to Christian Hell. It will be promptly and kindly greeted by Hell's host Richard M. Nixon and his dog Checkers. Oh, and Henry Ford and Charles Lindbergh. Also.

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