the hengh files

As Obama Signs DADT Repeal, Let’s See 2005 John McCain Criticize Himself

Never forget.Despite Republican attempts to stick in a last-minute defense appropriations amendment that would kill the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell repeal, President Obama finally signed it into law today, hooray. But while this simple measure to make this country more fair and equal was a no-brainer for most Americans, it was not for John McCain, who very nearly found a way to kill it. Coincidentally, your editor happens to be home for Christmas and found a copy of John McCain’s 2005 book Character Is Destiny, which a relative gave him on a previous holiday but he never read. And according to the John McCain in this book, John McCain has atrocious character for taking the position he has taken.

Character Is Destiny is basically a ripoff of John F. Kennedy’s Profiles In Courage. Like Kennedy’s book, this is a collection of short biographies of important figures notable for brave dedication to their character, and probably was not written by McCain himself. But he does provide a first-person introduction, a meditation on character and his honorable, boob-TwitPicking family.

To explain the title, McCain says he doesn’t believe in destiny; he believes what we get out of life is based on how well we live it, in terms of character. So if, say, you become a hollow shell of a human, routinely mocked for baselessly denying people their civil rights, you deserve it! Hmm!

Our character is a lifelong project, and perhaps the older we are, and the more fixed our shortcomings are, the more we can use inspiration to encourage the restraints of our deficiencies.

Or we can whine and hengh about it, angry that we lost the presidency and doing all we can to spite our former adversary.

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John McCain usually can get out of self-criticism by just believing he is always right.

the only person who must believe in your integrity is yourself

But that doesn’t leave out self-contradiction. According to McCain, a male teacher once taught him to love William Shakespeare, a writer of drama, which is something those gays do.

I imagine you know some of his plays and remember some of their most famous lines. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers. For he today that sheds his blood for me shall be my brother. Those two lines are from my favorite play, Henry V…. It is a soldier’s play, and I have never tired of it.

He had never tired of it, until now. Soldiers who have shed blood for our country were John McCain’s brothers. But then he realized some of them are gay and the blood they shed probably has gay cooties. So, you know, nice try, but gay veterans aren’t John McCain’s brothers.

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About the author

Jack Stuef is your loyal editor and a freelance satirist or something like that. He is a contributing writer for The Onion. E-mail him or whatever.

View all articles by Jack Stuef

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128 comments

  1. Serolf_Divad

    the only person who must believe in your integrity is yourself

    This is very appropriate advice, given that the only person who believes in John McCain's integrity at this point is John McCain.

    1. Troubledog

      These are the sort of self-affirmation statements one learns after spending a lifetime as a laughing stock.

    2. Wadisay

      FWIW, Pol Pot, Hitler, Stalin, John Wayne Gacey, and the Boston Strangler also believed deeply in their own integrity.

    1. gef05

      Sir! You may say anything you like about John McCain and his closet homosexuality, but you must brace for fisticuffs if you continue to besmirch Prince Hal. Sir!

  2. PsycWench

    So if some gay GIs had tried to rescue McCain from the Vietnamese prison camp, he would have said "Thanks but no thanks"?

      1. PsycWench

        Possibly she learned it from him. Do we have evidence of her using it prior to being added to the McCain ticket? Maybe it's McCain's first law of handling unpleasant realities: just say you didn't do it regardless of the evidence.

    1. BruceLee5000

      In fact, he did!
      "No thanks, I've already had one stiff iron rod shoved down my throat this tour!"

  3. horsedreamer_1

    Also: the original Shakespeareans were cross-dressers, since male actors played all the roles.

    GAY GAY GAY.

  4. Oblios_Cap

    He loves talking about his soldiering days. You know, his storied career where he routinely got in trouble with authority for crashing planes and ended up a POW because he wasn't a terribly good pilot. It's truly an inspiring tale of mediocrity and downright stupidity.

    Don't you wish that the Vietnamese would take him back?

          1. Sheesko

            Well, yes, actually. In their respective countries of origin. Which is why, every day, there are more of them lining up to do us in.

          2. HistoriCat

            Haven't you been paying attention? That's different – it only applies to Americans because of our exceptionalism and freedom and stuff.

      1. ManchuCandidate

        The MSM needs "Heroes" in war. They discovered in WW1 that actual heroes weren't good for PR because of that "hating war and reluctance to talk about war" thing (with good reason, too) and they hated the ones who didn't have that reluctance because their horrific stories of real combat, well, ruined the narrative of brave US doughboys saving those hedonistic Euros from the German boot.

        In WW2, they focused on the generals. Good for a quote. Good for a tale. Good for kissing up when the war was over.

        In Korea… they didn't give a shit because US America didn't.

        In Nam. They didn't want to focus on the generals because they LIED to them. They couldn't focus on the fighters because the "left" would call them "babykillers" etc and the fact that the MSM didn't want to go out into the icky jungle to meet them. All they had were the POWs who were edumakated, all US American boys who had suffered under 'Nam/Chicom/Sov torture etc. They became the heroes which explains why an incompetent spoiled snot like Juan made Captain instead being heaved out as a mere commander.

        1. ShaveTheWhales

          Also, too, the flagofficer gene in his DNA.

          I'm sure that he would have made Admiral, despite a career consisting entirely of fuck all plus FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, were it not for the planey-crashy thing(s).

          Bit of a shame, that, considering the way things have turned out. Wonketteers could probably do some nice work with "Rear Admiral Crankypants".

      2. V572625694

        Because his daddy was an admiral, CINCPAC as a matter of fact, which is a huge deal in the Navy, bigger than being CNO.

    1. gef05

      He's changing his name to "John McCain-Vietnam-Vet".

      Kind of like, Anna Kournikova-Never-Won-a-Tournament.

      Or Duke Football-Sucks.

    2. Ducksworthy

      I think it would be fitting if John were to spend one more christmas in the Hanoi Hilton having a gay Vietnamese read Character is Destiny to him.

  5. Serolf_Divad

    The Shakespeare thing is also quite appropriate given that the arrogant, pig-headed McCain has basically mananged to turn himself into the King Lear at the end of Shakespeare's play: a lonely, sad, pathetic old man whimpering in a bitter, cold rain of his own making.

    1. Tundra Grifter

      Nicely written! How about changing the ending a bit to " …a lonely, sad, pathetic old man whimpering in the cold rain of his own bitter tears."

      Just a suggestion…

    2. deanbooth

      If only. Lear at least understood the teabaggers:

      O, that way madness lies; let me shun that;
      No more of that.

  6. OkieDokieDog

    Oooo love that pic of him chomping down on a big hot juicy wiener. Remember John, swallow, don't spit.

      1. PublicLuxury

        He won't hurt you. He's too old. No teeth. Think ahead, imagine the possibilities and DO NOT forget your penicillin.

  7. Blendergoathead

    "this is a collection of short biographies of important figures notable for their brave dedication to their character and was probably not written by McCain himself."

    Didn't Snowbilly also just do this? Is there a chapter on John McCain in it?

  8. PublicLuxury

    Sarah Palin likes to compare herself to Willy too. Do you think this is why teh McHomophobe picked her for his running mate? He also could have picked her because older guys are always after some young pussy. Watch out cats everywhere!

  9. SorosBot

    Henry V restarted an unwinnable war of aggression and occupation that England was stuck in for one hundred and sixteen years, dwarfing our misadventures in Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan; McCain wishes he was President so he could steer America to beat that record.

  10. ManchuCandidate

    I think the only real difference between Juan Sandoval McCanseco and W is that W didn't get shot down over Nam.

    It even hurts me to say this, but Karl Rove did US America a bit of service by torpedoing Juan's campaign with a black bastard baby lie. It hurts me even more to admit this, but I preferred the media version McCanseco because W was such a douche.

    But Juan's behavior post election and his soreloser attitude only make me wonder what would have happened if he actually won? Then I go to the toilet and vomit.

    1. PresBeeblebrox

      It would have been like Reagan, except with the senility setting in pre-election rather than halfway through the second term.

  11. elviouslyqueer

    Henry V my ass. At best, McCain is a poor Titus Andronicus or, better yet, Pandarus from that other faggy military play, Troilus and Cressida.

    1. gef05

      Oh, now, you may have something.

      "O world, world! thus is the poor agent despised. O traitors and bawds, how earnestly are you set a-work, and how ill requited!"

      1. finallyhappy

        Do I run into any of you at the Shakespeare theater here in DC? Next time I go, I am going to wear the Wonkette gang tag and do the secret sign.

  12. arihaya

    don't be too harsh on John McCain,,,

    he might be suffering depression right now, after realizing how terrible was his mistake in summoning that twit Sarah Palin from North Pole

    1. PresBeeblebrox

      Yeah, the problem is that the Necronomicon is full of summoning spells but not many banishing spells.

  13. Neilist

    Henry V is his favorite Shakespeare play? Well, that makes sense:

    Which is a wonder how his grace should glean it,
    Since his addiction was to courses vain,
    His companies unlettered, rude, and shallow,
    His hours filled up with riots, banquets, sports,
    And never noted in him any study,
    Any retirement, any sequestration
    From open haunts and popularity

    Good thing Henry V didn't have a Naval Air Arm, though. It was one thing for "this cockpit to hold the vasty fields of France." But fitting in five plane crashes would have led to the Globe going up in flames a whole lot earlier than it did.

    Ye Olde Neilist
    Wonkette Guns & Shakespeare Office
    Concealed Casques Division

    1. gef05

      Neilist, Neilist, Neilist.

      That passage refers to Hal as a youngster – set as a contrast to the man he becomes.

      1. Neilist

        "[S]et in contrast to the man he becomes."

        Hmmm.

        :::Paging through (very) battered copy of his Riverside Shakespeare):::

        Let's see. Henry V . . . .

        – Goes to war on trumped up claim (under Salic Law).

        – Threats to destroy civilian population, and subject women to rapine by his troops, unless they unconditionally surrender.

        – Attempts to invade and hold large country with insufficient troops.

        – Prevails only because (1) he was fighting the French (!!?!!); and (2) said French were stupid enough to send heavily weighted down knights charging through a bog (certain things ever change).

        – Engages in a loveless marriage to a bimbo for money and power.

        Sounds rather Walnuts-Like to me . . . .

        Sir Sack of Sack Neilist
        Dying Slowly, Back In That Whorehouse, In Ye Olde England

  14. problemwithcaring

    I cannot get my head around the cognitive dissonance between Cindy's support of marriage equity rights and McCain going full 'tard on his opposition to repeal DADT. It's like the wife of Noriega doing the Just Say No Campaign. Wouldn't it be easier to demand your life partner stop poisoning people for profit? What is life like for that crazy ass, robot family?

    1. PresBeeblebrox

      Possible reasons:

      1. John Sidney McCain, III is teh ghey for "Ham Biscuits" Graham.

      2. John Sidney McCain, III married Cindy for her money; the number of times he has copulated with Cindy correlates precisely with the number of children they have (less adoptees).

      3. JSM, III is a morally reprehensible lizard but his wife actually has a conscience.

      1. problemwithcaring

        If she had a conscience she would divorce his old ass and marry that country music singer she's been banging.

  15. Barbara_i

    Look at the photo again. The bun on the table mirrors John in that it also doesn't have a wiener either.

    1. Barbara_i

      Yes, I saw that, quite impressive! Reminds me of how Sarah Palin can unhinge her jaws to eat her prey.

    1. SorosBot

      Sorry everybody, I accidentally clicked thumbs up on the tedious blogwhore; whose blog is nothing but videos without comment.

        1. SorosBot

          Thanks! I see he's posted nothing but blogwhoring (like fart sounds pauletteanne, don't just click on his name because goes to the blog he's whoring), so I hope Ken notices and breaks out the hammer soon.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    the only person who must believe in your integrity is yourself

    Man, as much as the Republicans talk about hating that feel-good hippie ethic of the 70s, they sure have adopted it — Dubya makes decisions with his gut ("if it feels good, do it") and McCain seems to be some sort of ethics-free self-actualized brat. Just as with the filibuster, Republicans have resorted to overuse of a tactic they deem deplorable just so we can all agree that it sucks — either that or they're spoiled, without reason and constantly full of shit.

    1. HuddledMass

      Between the Republicans who "feel good about their choices," and some people I know who are jobless and homeless because they "followed their bliss" — I say the self-actualization movement has a lot to answer for.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Responsibility is boring. I noticed this early in life and after I entered the workforce and had money all the time, came up with a corollary: Only lend money to your most boring friends.

  17. chickensmack

    Is there a part in Character is Destiny that talks about how awesome it is to ignore your wife's chronic injuries while fucking the nouveaux riche?

    1. CapeClod

      Or a part about cravenly ditching any of moderate leanings and then claiming you never had them in order to curry favor with the most extreme element of your party in a desperate attempt to hold onto power?

  18. DCHatesMe

    John McCain's flying career was constantly sabotaged by gremlins. But if McCain looks deeply into his own character, he'll see that the only gremlin is himself. Always monkey wrenching shit like a pixilated furball. Hey, I know how to get elected president. I'll choose Sarah Palin as my VP candidate! See the problem, John?

  19. CapeClod

    "the only person who must believe in your integrity is yourself"

    It might be helpful if someone else believed in it too, for, you know, avoiding looking like a delusional idiot.

    1. SorosBot

      He's still got most of the media believing in his alleged integrity, and acting shocked whenever he acts like the spiteful, pandering rage machine he's always been.

  20. V572625694

    "Our character is a lifelong project, and perhaps the older we are, and the more fixed our shortcomings are, the more we can use inspiration to encourage the restraints of our deficiencies."

    Translation, pleez? This "sentence" is incomprehensible, and may well mean the opposite of what Panamanian strongman Juan McCain (or his ghost) thinks it means. Is it some bondage thing?

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Translation, pleez?

      My handy Walnuts-o-Matic Word Salad generator sez this: "I'm old, cranky, semi-senile, set in my ways, and my diapers need changing something fierce."

      Happy to help.

    2. HistoriCat

      I think what the ghostwriter was trying to impart was "Know Thyself". If you can recognize your weaknesses/blind-spots, then you can actively manage them or work around them.

      At least, I think that's what they're going for. Obviously, Juan should have read his own book. Or maybe just Profiles in Courage.

  21. freakishlywrong

    In keeping with the Shakespeare theme here; this crazy fucker doth protest too much. Somebody sounds like someone would like a something up his cornhole.

  22. Extemporanus

    Jack, this is your father. Put your little filth and porn machine away and get your butt up here!

    Your mother needs help getting things ready for the church potluck tonight. And when you're done with that, I need you to shovel the driveway. Get a move on son — we leave in three hours!

    Oh, and bring that goddamn McCain book I gave you — I need to take a dump.

  23. freakishlywrong

    Juan needs to store nuts in his pouches and go gently in to the twilight of his life. Or, be a raging, divisive, shouty old douchebag. Either way, just go.

    1. trampndirtdown

      Go away? He's still running for president. Repugs never give up, look at Nixon or Reagan, both kept trying till it happened. That's why Walnuts keeps moving right, he thinks it will put him over the top. However being Walnuts he is wrong as usual.

      P.S. Sorry Mittens, maybe next time.

  24. Not_So_Much

    Is he still bitchy because of his spat with Lindsey? So much drama — the two of them just need to get a room and hate-fuck it out between them.

  25. Mindblank

    Oh, oh, this is like that ancient Star Trek episode where the good guy has a mirror image bad guy and the good guy lures the bad guy between universes and seals them both up. Or John McCain was just lying all along.

    1. finallyhappy

      Star Trek – ancient???? Like maligning Bo, these are fighting words. And now back to our previous topic

      1. Mindblank

        It was in the past, which is well known to be another country. It seems ancient to me when I review my memories of it.

  26. NewtsChicknNeck

    yes, but what do cheney and limbaugh have to say about this? did anyone tell them this was going down? dontchaknow this is the kind of thing we have to consult draft-dodgers who zealously volunteer others to go get blown up so they can realize a modest quarterly increase in their war profiteer portfolios. it's in the constitution. somewhere. i'm sure of it.

    and it should be…after all, if you're the one who gets boners over sending others to war, and acts on that fetish, shouldn't you get to decide who's going to be inducing those boners (other than pfizer, thai hookers, and dead puppies)?

  27. ttommyunger

    I'm encouraged by John's health-conscieous diet. White bread buns around a medley of porcine lips, taint and anus. And not satisfied with one, but TWO, thank you very much. Lets hope it all marches straight to the arteries, bypassing the digestive tract completely, yelling all the while in true Naval Fashion: "Gangway, Motherfuckers, coming through!". Keep up the good work, Senator Crankypants, see you in the Obits, soon, I hope.

  28. fuflans

    hey jammakin: you know what else is one of his most famous lines?

    "o, what a rogue and peasant slave am i?"

  29. WigFlipper

    There's some kind of joke to be made about that sandwich and heroes, but I can't quite put my finger on it. "True American heroes," perhaps? That might be a better caption, or something.

  30. thefrontpage

    Interestingly, Lindsey Graham today just sent out an invite to 1,500 people inviting them to a "ravishing, fabulous party!" at his house tonight.

  31. mrblifil

    I think near-abouts that speech Henry V is presented with two miscreants from his days as a boy and orders to have one hanged. It's actually the tale of Dubya, former fuck-up who has a religious conversion. Except in Henry's case the war is of necessity (because who wants to be ruled by French fags?) and his underdog army wins. Then toward the end Henry has a crisis of faith, which causes him to embrace a less strict philosophy that includes sexytime with womenz. What there is for McCain to love about that play I have no idea. Maybe the part where a guy has to suck on a leek?

  32. MISTAHCOUGHDROP

    A bit like the Maverick's take on MLK Jr. Watch John Boy Plane Wreck announce Hug A Gay American Day, with the beta out in Arizona.

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