The first cut is the deepest.A fantastic thing about any kind of gay-related legislation is it gives Republicans a chance to talk about the many homos they’ve known and loved throughout their lives. For example, a near-tearful Congressman Louie Gohmert (R-Texas, obviously) just gave a very moving speech on the House floor about his carefree days as a soldier in the Army barracks. Seems there was an “overt homosexual” or two in the barracks, and then came the very sad moment when the most overtly gay soldier of all missed a signal, apparently, in the dark, and went to the wrong “straight” soldier’s bunk, for anal sex. Louie Gohmert still hasn’t forgotten the way it felt when that beautiful hunk of young man just strutted right past Louie Gohmert’s bunk, as he explains in this heartfelt “It Gets Better” video.

Let’s hear Holy Louie blow his mad riffs, his cum-stained cold war memories, blew and blown by those human seraphim, the soldiers, caresses of Lone Star love in the rotten mosquito night! Moloch the incomprehensible prison barracks! Moloch the crossbone soulless jailhouse and Congress of sorrows! Moloch whose buildings are judgment! Moloch the vast stone of war! Moloch the stunned governments!

Thanks to overt Wonkette operative Chascates.

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  • hagajim

    Carefree days as a soldier….isn't carefree a synonym for GAY!!! Louis (pronounced LUUUWEEEEE) is gay gay gay! Jealous cuz he got no buttseks!

  • SorosBot

    Looking at Rep. Gohmert , it's kind of hard to tell he's still alive; guy looks like a corpse.

    • WunkRocker

      He never would have got date-gang-banged-ruffied by Halliburton associates.

  • SayItWithWookies

    And in memory of that lost opportunity, Louie has been coiffed like a penis ever since.

  • Trinket

    Well, thank God straight men never misread women's signals, and that women are never bothered by unwelcome advances.

    • Lefty_Lucy

      Yeah, but in Louis-Land (R(apis)TX), this isn't considered a problem–the offended wimminz need to "sit back and enjoy it."

    • indecencycmdr

      especially in the military. this has never ever happened once and has never ever ever been a problem or a distraction greater than one or two gay boys having sex on top of poor Louie. Also, too, in addition, never ever did it harm "unit cohesion". "Oh, sure! No problem! I'd be happy to fight alongside my rapist! My life in my rapists' hands? Give me more of that!"

  • We already know Gomer turned out to be gay. This guy looks like more of a Goober, though.

  • StillGoinGreen

    Hey Louie, you're making shit up. The end.

    • JustPixelz

      Those homosexual hormones were especially out-of-control during the Vietnam draft.

      • StillGoinGreen

        I guess if your choices are take one in the head from Charlie or take one in the butt from Stephan…

  • BorderJumper!

    Gotta give it to Gohmert…I've would've never been able to make up some bullshit story of this caliber while keeping a straight face.

    • StillGoinGreen

      Wouldn't it be funny if all you heard at the end of the video was a bunch of "bullshit" sneezes coming from the chamber?

      • DeeJayKitteh

        Where's Joe Wilson when you need him?

    • SecretMuslin

      Ha ha – "straight face." Louie is an expert at telling the difference between straight face and gay face. Gay face sets off his gaydar and makes the tip of his penis all tingly.

  • Pragmatist2

    "Uncontrolled hormones"!!!Clearly castration of all soldiers is the only answer. Except not the women. You can't castrate them.

    • JustPixelz

      Yes, they anticipated that and are one step ahead of a Bobbet-ectomy.

    • NuttGobbler

      Unless we're talking Marines, because…. I mean, come on, have you ever seen a female Marine? If you have, you would know that I am using the term "female" loosely.

      (Love you, sis!)

      • WunkRocker

        What would be more scary to our enemies?
        "Sir, a brigade of infidel U.S. Marines are circling the perimeter!"
        "Sir, a brigade of gay marines popping viagra are PENETRATING our perimeter!"
        You decide.

    • zhubajie

      How about requiring all Congressmen be eunuchs?

      • Moonbat

        They aren't?!

  • Beowoof

    Hey Gomer Surprise Surpise Surprise, and when he is done Sargent Carter wants a turn.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    It gets better: this guy's state is in line to pick up 4 more Congressional seats! That's four times the tragically funny "Texas Congressmen say the stupidist things" videos for our enjoyment.

  • forgracie

    Sour grapes…

    • elpinche

      bitter choads..

  • ♪♫ Louie, Louie
    We you gotta go now ♫♪

    Louie, Louis whatever, ya gotta improved your diction. Just like your namesake song, work on yer eloqution and you won't be having folks getting confused like that screaming queen J. Edgar Hoover. Ol' J. Edgar blew, as a matter of speech, a couple of mil trying to get the words of that silly song straight, so to speak. Louie, if you spoke more clearly yer soldier buddy would not have tried to fit you with a buttplug.

    • Bastard, you slipped that in there while I was actually composing a parody!

  • Sue4466

    I agree with Gohmert: Considering the extent to which women in the military are subjected to sexual harassment and rape by their fellow soldiers, it seems the only solution is to prohibit straight men from serving openly in the military.

    • JustPixelz

      Exactly! The Repubicans should come out … in support of an all non-heterosexual military. With the endless wars we're fighting, that will send those sinners to meet Jesus ahead of schedule. (Just kiddin, Gomert-sexuals don't get to meet Jesus — it's bad for order and discipline in heaven.)

  • metamarcisf

    On the bright side, today's census announcement means we can count on at least four more just like Louie Lou-eye come 2012.

    • Negropolis

      Maybe more like two. Two of them will probably have to be hispanic seats. You can only get so much advantage out of redistricting. Eventually, when you get that many seats, especially where the growth in the state has been, you HAVE to give a few to the Messican Tessicans.

  • Kidneys4Sale

    I wouldn't hit that either. Outstanding job, soldier.

    • legalize everything

      For me it depends on what precisely you mean by "hitting that":

      with a blunt object? yes
      with my vagina? nooooooooooooooo

      • Kidneys4Sale

        What if we could get it molded and cast in bronze?

    • TanzbodenKoenig

      I would… with a crowbar

  • RedneckMuslin

    "It's not good for good order and discipline". That's what gomer says about the gay jumpin in the straight's bunk. But I would just say it was Awwwk—ward!

    • StillGoinGreen

      Here, let me help you with something I learned today, ♪♫AWKWARD♫♪!!

      Holy Cheeto Jeebus, that is fun!

      • RedneckMuslin

        Yes, couldn't have said it better. I really couldn't. My skillz ain't so. I'm still looking for my <ANY> key

    • Dude gets his own "order" and "discipline" from Mistress Zaruthia and her collection of "implements." If we took up a collection I bet we could get her to apply a permanent ball gag to Gohmert the next time he drops by.

  • Oldskool_

    Hey asshole, if your gop buddies sent him the equipment he needed, i.e. night vision goggles, you wouldn't even have that lame ass story to tell, wouldya.

  • HipHop0Potamus

    Sergeant Sadpants above makes a good point – when you're in the legal branch of the military, it is no place for illegal buttseks to be going on. The military prison where you send people is the only acceptable location for that activity.

  • elviouslyqueer

    And yet, Rep. Gohmert, when we have people who clearly can't control their pathological verbal diarrhea, we keep electing them to Congress.

  • edgydrifter

    And this one time… at band camp…

  • i_AM_ready

    If we've learned anything from 40 years of sitcoms, when people say "This happened to my friend," you know who it really happened to….

  • Um, Louie. The Spartans would like to have a word with you.

  • DeeJayKitteh

    When we had people who could not control their hormones, whether heterosexual or homosexual…they are an impediment to the military.

    Thank you, Senator Gohmert, for that cogent and moving argument against allowing 18 year old boys into the military.

    • SwattieSwat

      DeeJayKitteh, you're on to something. I think he might just be advocating an all womyn military.

    • DashboardBuddha


  • CapeClod

    Given that this is the guy who spun the whole 'Terror Babies' threat out of whole cloth, his credibility is somewhat suspect.

    • If he worried about his credibility he would never speak. Ever.

      • CapeClod

        You've got a point.

    • Not_So_Much

      Exactly. Nobody believes that anyone besides Louie wanted to put anything in Louie's ass. Wonder how much plain, brown wrapper mail he gets from Sweden?

      • SorosBot

        Oh, if Louie was anything like he is now back in the day, I'm sure some of the other soldiers wanted to stick something up his ass, just in the NYPD way not a gay way.

    • GOPCrusher

      It's too bad that we don't have some kind of organization in this country that could fact-check some of these things that are said, and inform the public on the truthfulness of the statements.

      • lurch394

        Yeah, didn't DJ Tommy Jefferson say something about a "free press"? We could use one of those.

        • LetUsBray

          Not enough profit in it.

  • WorkTheSaxofone

    Beat Envoy could be a band name.

    • lurch394

      Steely Dan fan?

  • JustPixelz

    And that distraction is why we lost the Spanish-American War. (I extrapolated Gohmert's military service based on his apparent age.)

    Also, my hormones are under control — just not under my control. There's a hottie in my office who affects my down-there at will.

  • LionelHutzEsq

    Louise Golmert V/O: Perhaps this isn't the routine of an ordinary soldier: floggings, stockings, marching, kneeling on our knuckles, having things dropped on our heads, being pushed down stairs, and so on. But occasionally, there would be time for activities such as steering a jeep, and trying to make the tanks go up a hill. Captain Ned took a warm, personal interest in my welfare, and if a night was stormy, or even mildly breezy, he would come to my barracks to comfort me."

    [ Captain Ned enters Golmert's room as he prays beside his bed ]

    Louis Golmert: Oh. Captain Ned.

    Captain Ned: Hello, Miles. Uh.. I was worried that you might be.. "frightened" by the nasty weather.. [ unbuttons the top of his pajamas ]

    Louis Golmert: But, Captain Ned, sir, it is perfectly calm tonight!

    Captain Ned: Just so.. with the stormy weather we've been having lately, I was afraid this.. sudden calm might alarm you. Because I've seen grown men – manly men, in the full pride of their manhood, grow white with terror on serene, tranquil nights as this!


    • LionelHutzEsq

      Louis Golmert: Oh, that is very kind of you, sir.. [ chuckles nervously ]

      [ Captain Ned blows out the candle besides Louis bed, leaving the room in total darkness ]

      Louise Golmert V/O: "So dangerously flaccid did that night become, thus Captain Ned remained in my cabin to reassure me until dawn, when we were aroused by a shout from Cpl.. Spunk.."

      • genxr

        Sir, I ask you: why are you not on the Senate floor making a speech right now?

  • lefty74

    So if a man positions himself in a stance directly behind another who is bent over, and then places his hands between the others buttocks, and upon command recieves a brown oblique spheroid from between the buttocks,, would you be gay or Tom Brady or both?

    • Not_So_Much

      In Louie's perfect fantasy world, both.

    • Over_Ed

      German. Yup, sounds German.

  • chascates

    According to Wikipedia, Gohmert served in the United States Army Judge Advocate General's Corps, at Fort Benning, Georgia, from 1978 to 1982. Lindsey Graham was also a JAG. Coincidence?

    • LionelHutzEsq

      Well, the JAG Corp is the second gayest part of the Army.

    • Not_So_Much

      JAGoff, is I believe the correct term for Luscious Lindsey. Those tiny dancer hands looks soft as a baby's bottom…

    • HistoriCat

      Did we ever find out who the "young man" coming out of Lindsey's house was? I mean, Gohmert is decrepit but he's also thin – maybe someone mistook him for a slender, youthful manly-man.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Ah, the least actually "warlike" period in the last sixty USA American years.

  • Sounds like the Rep wants help disciplining his little soldier.

  • Today we are all Alan Ginsberg.

  • Radiotherapy

    But he did "kinda like" Brokeback Mountain.

  • V572625694

    There's no atheists in the JAG Corps, where Louie served his military time! No fighting men either. JAG officers get a two-week course on how to wear the uniform who to salute and that's it. He never spent the night in a fucking barracks at Fort Benning, because he was a (Reserve commission) captain. Goddamn lying Repube sack of shit chicken hawk was in the Army from '78 to '82 when there were no wars to speak of, either.

    • SorosBot

      Hey, he was in danger of being sent to the bloody horrors of Grenada!

      • V572625694

        Because lawyers are what you need when you're invading a lethargic tropical paradise Cuban Army sanctuary.

    • deanbooth

      No wars? I thought we've always been at war with Eurasia.

    • ShaveTheWhales

      Ach, I should read the comments before I comment on the comments. Wait, is this left recursiv

  • chicken_thief

    If this alleged event supposedly happened 40 yrs or so ago why is he still walking around with spooge on his lapel?

  • NuttGobbler

    "They're an impediment to the military."

    And you're an impediment to my believing in God, but you don't see me renting out an empty room and whining like a spent blow-up doll to this so-called "C-SPAN."

  • nounverb911

    Now that DADT is finally ending, how many senators and congresspeople are going to come out of the closet?

  • Barbara_i

    Sorry about the snub Gohmert Pyle-driver. I hope things pick up for you and your starfish real soon!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    The video is blocked but I’m guessing that some closeted douche nozzle is complaining that gays are going to ruin our mighty military manliness while he’s making it perfectly clear that he’s not gay. How close did I get?

    • Nope! He's really telling a "true story" about how his "friend" in the Army got surprise-sexed by an "overt homosexual" in the barracks. It's like Beetle Bailey with more cocks.

      • bagofmice

        Beetle Cockly?

        • nappyduggs

          Beetle Gayley.

  • OMG, these are the famous filthy lyrics to "Louie Louie"!

    Louie Louie, oh no
    PFC Homo!
    Aye-yi-yi-yi, I said
    Louie Louie, oh baby
    PFC Homo!

    Fine little soldier waits for me
    Bivouacked in my BVDs
    Late at night when the Sarge is gone
    Drop my guard I won't sleep alone!

    Louie Louie, oh no
    PFC Homo!
    Aye-yi-yi-yi, I said
    Louie Louie, oh baby
    PFC Homo!

    Three nights and days he look at me
    Guard my Privates, constantly
    On that cot, I dream he's there
    Looks so butch with his close-cropped hair!

    Louie Louie, oh no
    PFC Homo!
    Aye-yi-yi-yi, I said
    Louie Louie, oh baby
    PFC Homo!

    Okay, let's give it to him right now!

    (Guitar Solo)

    • ShaveTheWhales

      To be honest, that's as good as any version I've ever come up with. The key is to blur all the words in each couplet except for the first and last.

  • Extemporanus

    Gay soldiers don't call buttsecks-related hemorrhoids "Private Gohmert Piles" for nothin'.

  • XOhioan

    I like how he caught himself there, and realized "Oh shit, that means no women in the service," and then had a small seizure before ending his speech.

  • His lookalike Jeff Van Gundy would have told this story in a much more entertaining fashion.

    "You gotta box out! Don't let him drive the lane!"

  • Units cohere better with lube.

  • fartknocker

    He's from Tyler Texas, which invented butt sex and perfected it using fainting goats. Nuff said Louie.

  • Ducksworthy

    (R Texas obviously) says it all.

  • Rotundo_

    Gohmert left out the part where the DI told him "Gomer, since ya got all this energy to be tail chasin' in my baracks, here's a toothbrush, go clean the shitter!"

  • chickensmack

    "A young man there in the barracks could not control his overt feelings of homosexuality"

    Gohmert, have you ever been shot down by a woman that didn't want to fuck you? There's just no difference, except lipstick and a squish mitten.

    Otherwise, last I checked, NO STILL MEANS NO.

  • Gay-ass closeted Republicans, buttsecks jokes and high-minded Allen Ginsberg references all in one delicious satirical post… this is why I love my Wonkett.

  • Mrspanky

    Private Cowboy: Tough break for Hand Job. He was all set to get shipped out on a medical.
    Private Joker: What was the matter with him?
    Private Cowboy: He was jerkin' off ten times a day.
    Private Eightball: No shit. At least ten times a day.
    Private Cowboy: Last week he was sent down to Da Nang to see the Navy head shrinker, and the crazy fucker starts jerking off in the waiting room. Instant Section Eight. He was just waiting for his papers to clear division. "

  • aguacatero

    I love the "more in sorrow than anger," doleful tone.

    Louis, you fucking moron.

  • DemonicRage

    Not good for order and discipline…I'll say! The others in the barracks had counted on jacking off while seeing the blankets move up and down, and gettting turned on by the moans of pleasure from the double inhabited cot. The next day they had to go into battle stressed, when they might have been more relaxed. Cue John McCain to tell us again what happens when soldiers get distracted, that way.

  • Redhead

    Wow. The Wonkette summary at the top was actually serious and nearly word-for-word.

    I know it's happening more and more often lately, between the Tea Baggers and McCain's DADT-repeal-induced head-explosion and O'Donnell's "not-a-dildo-I-swear!" witchraft brooms, but it always surprises me when that happens.

    On another note, shouldn't "people who cannot control their hormones, regardless of whether it's heterosexual or homosexual" be in prison and not the military anyway?

  • ttommyunger

    I served as an enlisted man in both the Army and Marine Corps. In both services my sleeping quarters were in a "Bay", consisting of one open room ten double bunks on one side and ten on the other with a common passageway down the middle. If anything even slightly resembling this had even started to happen there would be a blanket party immediately, I promise you. I knew one homosexual during my two tours. Since his friendship didn't interest me, I simply told him so and that was the end of the conversation. This Congressman's "account" is total bullshit from start to finish and the product of a very disturbed mind.

  • MiniMencken

    Louie, Louie, Louie! Nobody likes a cocktease. But, how in the Hell do you propose keeping them out of the Army?

  • hockeymom

    Worst After-School Special ever.

  • Serolf_Divad

    I love the confused pause at the end of his speech when he realizes that he's just undermined his entire argument by stating that the Army is no place for people who cannot control their urges whether gay or straight… ooops, suddenly this is an argument about self control, not sexual preference.

  • VespulaMaculata

    Doubtlessly too old and homely to even get Wide Stance's toes to tapping in the Capitol restrooms.

  • arihaya

    he just need a hug,, a big long hug

  • So we shouldn't let straight people in the military either since they might get all rapey.

  • Louie Gohmert – "Umm, I have this friend? And he's all like, 'I want gay sex,' and I'm like, 'No way!' So, umm, what should I, I mean my friend, what should my friend do?"

  • user-of-owls

    Later on C-Span 2, Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) discusses his experiences with Catholic chaplains in the military.

  • Negropolis

    Who knew that Batboy was a homophobe? I am disappointed.

  • Negropolis

    Gohmert, eh? What's that, a French name or some shit?

  • transfatz

    Yeah, yeah Dumbo, what we really want to know is can you wiggle those things?

  • mumbly_joe

    Well, what Louie is saying is that there should be army regs against fraternization. Good thing there are, thus obviating his concern.

    Oh, wait. His implication is that all gays are horrible sex-monsters who are unable to control themselves, unlike our straight servicemembers, because Louie has shit for brains.

  • thefrontpage

    Is Louie Gohmert the guy seen leaving Lindsey Graham's house?!?!?!

  • mumbly_joe

    Well, as they say, there are only two things that come from Texas, and Pvt (Gomert) Pile doesn't really look like a steer.

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